Oh, for God's sake, grow the fuck up:

Conspiracy filmmaker Michael Moore was so devastated by President Bush's election victory last month that he refused to get out of his pajamas or leave his bedroom.

"He was so unhappy over Bush's win, he didn't roll out of bed for three days," reports gossip columnist Liz Smith, after chatting with the left-wing movie man.

Smith adds, "I could live forever without that visual."

It's not the visual so much as the olfactory aspect of the scenario that gets to me. I think I just lost the ability to procreate by the normal biomechanical method, if you know what I mean, kind of like General Jack T. Ripper in Dr. Strangelove except without a nuclear air-wing at my disposal.

Top Ten Effects of Bush Win on Liberal Celebrities

10. Whoopie Goldberg threatens to launch another catastrophic television series; the Department of Homeland Security confirms "chatter" about such a threat, but as of yet has "no actionable intelligence"

9. Viggo Mortensen is so distraught over the warmongering mood of the nation he's demanding that his swords in Lord of the Rings be digitally erased and replaced by walkie-talkies

8. In order to foster understanding, Elton John and Eminem will form a quartet at this year's Grammys with Ted Nugent and John Ashcroft

7. Chevy Chase is so depressed he just can't work up any amount of enthusiasm for National Lampoon's Vacation 5, putting him, ironically enough, in the same mindset as the rest of America for the first time in over 40 years

6. Angered by Tony Blair's support for the War in Iraq, Madonna stops doing that ridiculously bad fake British accent in favor of a bad hybrid German/Cherokee accent she picked up from watching Dances With Wolves and Das Boot

5. Al Franken ends his political punditry and retreats into safer world of young children's storybooks; his first title is expected to be A Little Boy's Journey Into the Great Big World, subtitled Rush Limbaugh is a Rotten Fucking Shitfinger

4. Dispirited mood at next years' Vibe awards result in 20% less ratings and 40% fewer stabbings

3. Old Margaret Cho Act: Tiresome tirades about gay issues, feminism, pop ecology, and Republicans
New Margaret Cho Act: Nothing but dead-on impressions of all four members of The A-Team

2. Alec Baldwin vows to gain 60 pounds and let his appearance go completely to shit Mark it down as already done, baby!

...and the Number One Effect of Bush's Win on Liberal Celebrities...

1. Barbra Streisand promises to never appear in another motion picture for the rest of her life; nation mourns the fact that Bush was elected only after Yentl and Nuts

Posted by: Ace at 01:15 PM | Comments (10)
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And yet the PM declares the gesture had an “enormous, positive psychological effect” towards advancing peace.

Look: there are bad men in the world and they want to do bad things. And all the origami cranes, "Arms are made for hugging" bumper stickers, and idiotic Yoko Ono "art" installations just aren't going to change that.

Posted by: Ace at 12:11 PM | Comments (4)
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Yeahp, oddly enough, it's Kwesi Mfume who's the hero in this tale:

DonÂ’t believe the well scripted press conference where former President and Chief Executive Officer of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, Kweisi Mfume, announced his resignation. Mfume did not resign from the nationÂ’s oldest and most prestigious civil rights organization. He was kicked out, following a long simmering feuded with NAACP Chairman Julian Bond.

The two began feuding after Mfume nominated National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice for his 2003 NAACP Image Award. Furious that Mfume was reaching out to the Bush administration, Bond responded by nominating "Boondocks" cartoonist Aaron McGruder for his Image Award. McGruder had ridiculed Rice in his comic strip and later caller her “murderer” for her role in the war in Iraq.

The rift grew as Mfume continued to reach out to the Republican Party. Mfume realized that by reflexively voting Democrat in every election, the black voting populace has given away most of their political bartering power.

...

The final tear came after the election. Mfume suggested sending a letter to President Bush, mapping out ways that they could work together to help the community. Bond rejected the idea. Mfume sent the letter anyway. To Bond, this was an unforgivable. A few weeks later, Bond had Mfume voted out. The message was clear: There is no room within the NAACP for intellectual diversity. Just loyal servitude to the Democratic Party.

Wait a gosh darn minute; I'm confused. What about all that blather I was just hearing two weeks ago about the need for "diverse voices" in an administration as opposed to "mere yes-men" who would not give the leadership "candid consel"?

Posted by: Ace at 12:03 PM | Comments (6)
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Not funny. Sad, but in that horrifyingly odd way:

A player in Switzerland's top division has been left without a finger after a goal celebration went horribly wrong.

Servette midfielder Paulo Diogo was forced to have his left ring finger amputated on Sunday after catching it on a perimeter fence during his side's 4-1 win at Schafthausen.

The 29-year-old Swiss-Portuguese player jumped up on the fence in celebration after setting up his team's third goal.

Diogo, who got married recently failed to notice, however, that his wedding ring was caught in the metal barrier and severed the top two joints of the finger as he jumped back down.

Yeah, I know there's a don't-get-married-joke in there someplace, but let's let that lie.

Here's the kicker:

He was then shown a yellow card for his excessive celebration.

Ah. Let me recommend "Injury" as the special of the day. Perhaps you'd like a side of insult?

Talk about a hard-ass referee. You've got a guy there bleeding profusely from being maimed, missing the top two knuckles of his finger, and you decide that that's just not punishment enough. You've got to throw the flag on him, maybe aiming it right into the puddle of his steaming blood.

Because otherwise, you know, he won't understand that excessive celebration is a bad thing.

Thanks to Tanker.

Losing One For the Team Update: Rather than undergo surgery and lengthy rehabilitation that would have kept him sidelined for a few games, Ronnie Lott simply had the tip of his pinky amputated and didn't miss a down.

That's dedication.

Thanks to Garfield Ridge, who recalls another overweight person who couldn't rouse himself out of bed.

Posted by: Ace at 11:48 AM | Comments (8)
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And coincidentally Frankie Muniz's as well, although Son of Nixon suspects this isn't coincidental at all.

Then again, he's a lunatic.

Happy Birthday, Margaret Cho!

You're definitely every bit as fall-down funny as the committed leftist commentariat claims you are!

Posted by: Ace at 11:26 AM | Comments (5)
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I know why I'm so annoyed by the Shrill Shill, Andrew "No Offense Taken" Sullivan, but why exactly has Mickey Kaus declared a virtual war on him?

Now, maybe I'm just getting a big head here and all... but is Mickey Kaus trolling for Ace-a-lanches?

Posted by: Ace at 11:13 AM | Comments (10)
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Alarming News links to a doctor opining in the Daily News-- and poisoning is not ruled out. The words "dioxin" and "Agent Orange" appear prominently.

If you're going to take a shot at the king, boys, you'd better not miss. If Yushchenko wins the real election -- as we all hope he does -- there's going to be some payback, and I, for one, am not going to complain too loudly about it.

A Second Opinion: Ken J tips that Code Blue thinks it might be Rosacea, covered in thick make-up. He says his wife is in the skin care business (and I believe him) and thinks it could be a very severe case of acnaic Rosacea.

I don't know what any of those words mean, either. Still, I guess I should note their are plausible explanations apart from poisoning.

Posted by: Ace at 11:02 AM | Comments (10)
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No way to tease it. Just trust.

Posted by: Ace at 10:21 AM | Comments (3)
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Interesting piece about blogonomics, but only if you're a blogger, I guess:

The Business Of Blogging
Explosive growth means Web logs are suddenly in Madison Avenue's sights

Just a year ago, blogs were viewed as a collection of off-the-cuff ramblings in cyberspace read mainly by online devotees. Then, as the election season heated up, bloggers gained new prominence, writing up-to-the-minute news and politics nuggets that the mainstream media struggled to match. Suddenly, millions of Americans were turning to political blogs such as instapundit.com and journalist Andrew Sullivan's Daily Dish. And blogs about everything from art-world gossip to macroeconomics are drawing audiences, too. A new medium, though still a work in progress, is coming into being.

Now advertisers are realizing there is a market emerging in the blogosphere. Already, the growth in regular online advertising, estimated to be about 35% this year, will far outpace the spending increases for any other sector of the media world. Add to all this the fact that about 11% of Internet users today are inveterate blog readers, and the blogging scene starts to get mighty compelling for marketers.

Don't expect a repeat of the dot-com rush that inflated the Web bubble of the late 1990s. "This is a long game, with lots of ebbs and flows," says Henry Copeland, founder of media-buying firm BlogAds. Blogging isn't about to lead to vast wealth anytime soon, says Copeland, but he does expect "more money to [flow to] more authors as smart advertisers bypass publishers and pay authors directly for their audiences." BlogAds is placing ads on 50 to 100 blogs a day for up to 20 advertisers, including Sharp Electronics Corp. and Walt Disney Co. Just six months ago, the firm served 20 blogs for about 10 advertisers.

Posted by: Ace at 10:16 AM | Comments (3)
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Look, Halliburton is going to just have to step into the pitch and take one for the team on this. They're going to have to claim that they were somehow involved with Kojo Annan-- that's the only way to whet our fair-and-unbiased media's appetite for this outrageous scandal:

A Swiss company that won a lucrative U.N. oil-for-food contract agreed to continue paying U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan's son for four years after he resigned because he possessed "sensitive information," about its operations, The Post has learned.

A copy of the controversial "no-compete," agreement between Annan's 29-year-old son, Kojo, and Cotecna Inspections SA — which led to payments of $2,500 a month until February of this year — was turned over to congressional committees under a recent subpoena and reviewed by The Post.

...

Kojo, who now lives in Nigeria, could not be reached, and the United Nations is refusing further comment on his business activities.

Posted by: Ace at 10:10 AM | Comments (1)
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