I still love this piece, and damnit, I'm still pissed off it wasn't linked more.

When I wrote this, man, was I sick of blogging, and I had nothing left to say. I had blogged almost 24 hours straight on election day, and I had already been burned out before that.

So I was in a rut and experiencing a humor drought. But I thought of this thing late one night and had all the major jokes in my head within a hour.

Songwriters always say the best songs are the easiest ones to write. It's the ones that take effort that turn out to be mediocre. Well, this one was an absolute snap, and just when I needed it, too.

Almost every regular has read it, but on the off-chance that there are new visitors here today who haven't, let me present Donald Trump Grilling the Democrats in the Boardroom Over Losing Their "Task" on November 2nd.

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Before I get into the Top Ten, let me mention a few honorable mentions.

This post is still one of my favorites, because it both makes fun of an easy, soft target -- Joshua Micah Mellencamp Marshall -- and because it's the first appearance of Geoffrey the Duck, who appears in the "Never Waste a Good Premise" update. In fact, that's really the part of the post that's worth reading.

In the funny and true department, this post, "Andrew Sullivan: I Only Watch PBS," explores liberals' kneejerk insistence that they almost never watch TV, and yet seem to do little but natter on about Sex & the City constantly. Andrew slams Ann Coulter for saying "everyone should watch more TV," and I slam him back. Idiot.

This is a love-it-or-hate-it post. I love it. a Special Guest Editorial from Rich "Psycho" Giamboni, titled If You Touch My Hoagie One More Time, I Will Fucking Kill You.

I always meant to do more with Psycho. I wanted to do a Vote For Bush Or I Will Key Your Fucking Camaro piece, but it just seemed to be the same thing all over again. Oh, well. One-trick pony.

My favorite Michael Moore hit-piece: Michael Moore Goes on a Mid-Manhattan Lunchtime Death-Spree.

And my second favorite: The Case of the Missing WMD's: A Michael Moore Mystery (TM).

I've attacked Wonkette a lot, pretty much because she's overrated, overexposed, and underfunny. Here Wonkette announces her new "Morning Zoo" format.

Here Nick Denton attempts to launch a Muslim-friendly Wonkette-style gossip site, titled Jihadette, with tragic results.

For a while -- maybe she still does it; I don't read her -- Wonkette did little but traffic in gay rumors. So I decided to compete with her -- as "Wankette" -- and start trafficking in my own gay rumors du jour.

And my favorite Wonkette hit-piece -- a verbatim transcript of her first and only appearance at Open Mike Night at the Dupont Circle Laff-Shack. It's like the birth of a young, somewhat-attractive faux-mo Lenny Bruce.

And, just to show that I'm not obsessed with Wonkette (although, I guess, I really am), here's an aperitif, a wholly gratuitous attack on Michael Totten, the only independent in America with the balls to tell you how superior he is for not being a member of a political party.

Well, that's enough for now. More as the day goes on.

Update: Eh, this one's okay, too. Playing off a real story that the intelligence community was eyeing blogs for fast-breaking information, I got hold of a CIA memo digesting what had been recently learned from Wonkette, Instapundit, Oliver Willis, and Drudge.

Posted by: Ace at 09:07 AM | Comments (11)
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I don't think you'll be surprised to learn that Professor Alan Singer has been a putz his whole life.

So much of a putz, in fact, he makes Charles Schumer appear to be on fire.

Posted by: Ace at 07:55 AM | Comments (2)
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Okay, I jumped the gun yesterday -- forgot which day I started this blog on -- but I can now say that this blog has officially turned one year old.

As I've said, I started this blog because I'd been reading blogs for a while -- especially Instapundit, for links, and Steven den Beste, for the most amazing essays on the Internet -- and because I got annoyed that Oliver Willis, who is not-funny and not-insightful, was getting attention and I wasn't. And of course because I happened to read an article on Dec 29th or Dec 30th about how easy it was to start a blog now because of Blogger's software.

And because I'd actually met a real live blogger. She said, off-handedly, "Oh, you can read about that on my blog," and I determined at that moment that I, too, needed to be able to say, off-handedly, "I'm sorry, but I've already completely discarded that spurious claim on my blog."

Son of Nixon, it turns out, had read the same article, and he called me up to tell me he wanted to start a blog a mere two hours after I'd started my own. And boy, did we have some chuckles for a full month, as we'd just slip into conversation "Yeah, you can find that information on my blog" and then giggle like schoolgirls about it.

At any rate, Ace of Spades started out with this amazing blast in the etherspace -- a missive I like to call "First Post" -- and then the quality just got even better with this potty-mouthed reworking of Poe's The Raven.

I originally had a different schtick for the blog. I never said "I think" in the beginning; it was "We think." Because I was claiming that this wasn't a one-man operation, but rather a lavishly funded 644-man operation consisting chiefly of Gulf War special forces veterans and ex-CIA operatives, being run out of the luxurious Ace of Spades HQ corporate offices on the secret 103rd floor of the Empire State Building, all under the control of a secretive and mysterious rightwing benefactor we only knew as "Mr. Tranh."

I dropped that sometime after I moved to Mu.Nu. Trouble is, I only occasionally did anything with the schtick, and it turns out that 80% of readers didn't even know it was the schtick. They just hadn't heard of it, and they just thought I was being a pompous dick for always saying "We."

Anyway, if you read early posts and find me saying "we," that's why. I wasn't crazy and I wasn't using the royal we. I was just doing a comic riff that apparently only I and six other people even knew about.

I guess today I'll be doing a Best of Ace through the day, in between blogging about other crap. It'll be both my actual best stuff, and the most important moments in the blog-- important in terms of getting Big Links.

I won't be doing that Hey, Remember The Last Year of Blogging? thing I'd teased, because I really can't think of a lot of funny things for the Lisa Loeb Chick from Blender and Sebastian Bach to say about my site. If they never say anything funny, how can I be expected to make up funny things for them to say?

At any rate, thanks again for reading this site. It's really very satisfying to put up some nonsense and have other people read it, and occasionally even enjoy it.

Thanks to Carnivorous Conservative! ... for providing me with a new banner, which I think I'll use at least for the Blogoversary.

I don't know if I like the font he's chosen for the title, and I really liked the Garamond font for the Mencken quote, but baby, you cannot find fault with that kick-ass death card!

Posted by: Ace at 07:27 AM | Comments (15)
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Soon to be released: John Kerry, Our 44th President.

Also in the works: Barney Frank, Al Sharpton & Robert Reich: The Greatest Generals of the Twenty-First Century.

Thanks to Jeremy, who provides a non-blog website he works at, but I'm not sure he wants me to link that.

Posted by: Ace at 07:25 AM | Comments (6)
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Fat Kid sends me this unbelievable site-meter display, from a blog called, it seems, Cheese & Crackers.

Drudge linked the blog.

The results were, erm, rather noticeable.

Bang! A 400,000+ hit day will really have an impact on your weekly average, I'm thinking.

For goodness sakes. I've been chasing Instapundit! Drudge is where the action is!

Now, if only I had access to some information he'd be interested in. Some headline like:

FREAK! Kitten Born With Inordinate Number of Nipples

or

HELLSTORM 2005: Hurricane Omega Threatens to Cause Boston and Galveston to Swap Places

or

MOUSEKEFEARS-- Someone You Never Heard of At Disney Is Planning Corporate Changes Which Will Not Effect You At All, Even If You Own Disney Stock

I've got to get cracking. I'm sure I've got some big Drudge-worthy story in me.

DEVELOPING HARD...

Welcome, New Visitors! I realize a lot of you are coming here off the Drudge/Cheese & Crackers link about the tsunami catastrophe, and you may not be in the mood for humor.

But it's actually this site's one-year blogoversary, and I'll be posting the best comedy (and serious) pieces of the year all day. So, if you're in the mood for laughs (and some of these pieces are really funny), make sure you return during the day, and hit the "Main" button at the top of the page for new material.

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Miniature desk-set guillotines, trebuchets, and ballistas-- for crying out loud, can you say "Target Fucking Audience"?

Jagoffs.

Odd Linkage: Never really read Justin Raimondo; I knew he was some sort of out-there peacenik.

Got linked by him today. Why? Because I insulted Andrew Sullivan.

You know, in these divided times, during this culture war, in the midst of this near civil war between the red and the blue-- all of us, right or left, conservative or liberal, can agree on one thing:

Andrew Sullivan is a vain, solipsistic hyperemotional twit.

Let us all take some solace in that. Let the lamb lay down with the lion.

Posted by: Ace at 03:35 PM | Comments (15)
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Apparently Germany has about as much concept of how far $1 million goes as Dr. Evil.

Which seems about right.

But do scan up to read about other countries which are much more generous-- and more generous than the US, too.

Posted by: Ace at 03:16 PM | Comments (6)
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Updated! Now With Obligatory Top Ten! (scroll down)

Now, don't get me wrong. I still think he's an unethical prick.

But give the man his due:

"Are you reconsidering your position on the war in Iraq now that the justifications presented by the Bush administration have all proved to be false?" [a left-wing professor named Alan Singer] complained.

When Schumer replied by asking how he would handle Iraq differently, Singer responded: "The Bush administration policies have destabilized that entire region of the world. I would work with European allies to find a way to leave immediately."

At that, Singer recalled, Schumer called him "a fool," before declaring that if the U.S. withdrew from Iraq it would be subject to a terrorist attack worse than 9/11 during the next three years.

Heh. Remember the media's outrage over Cheney's suggestion that, were Kerry to be elected and a terrorist strike should happen (not would happen, btw), the danger would be we'd slip back into a September 10th response?

Don't expect to hear similar gnashing of teeth over Schumer's claim that withdrawing from Iraq, as many liberals and Democrats advocate, would result in an attack worse than 9-11.

But he got in a good parting shot, too:

"I know people like you," Schumer shot back, saying that Singer and his ilk were responsible for the destruction of the Democrat Party.

"With your ideas you should not be allowed to be a teacher," the agitated Democrat added. "I know your type."

Is Schumer suggesting that we ought to "chill" this man's right to free expression-- and employment? Hey, I'm not saying I necessarily agree; I'm just looking for clarification.

And a stern scolding from the liberal media.

Think I'll get it?

Top Ten Signs That Charles Schumer -- Yes, Charles Schumer -- Is On Fuckin' Fire

10. Recently scandalized Maureen Dowd by confessing he rarely watched Sex & the City, and furthermore considered every character except Kristin Davis a "dirty, filthy whore"

9. Just introduced legislation to make January 12th a paid federal holiday called "National MILF Appreciation Day"

8. Apologized for a previous visit to Paris, explaining he only went there to "beat up hookers and steal their trick-money" and "defecate freely in the streets"

7. Old Charles Schumer Persona: Annoying, publicity-obsessed nebbish
New Charles Schumer Persona: Annoying, publicity-obsessed nebbish who just might know Jeet Kune Do, "The Way of the Intercepting Fist"

6. Keeps stealing Byron Dorgan's lunch money and "pantsing" Gerry Nadler

5. Never goes anywhere without his "bible," a pocket-sized copy of the inspirational words of R. Lee "Full Metal Jacket" Ermey, titled Get the Fuck Off My Obstacle You Disgusting Fatbody

4. His new chief of staff? Vinny Fuckin' Falcone

3. Keeps making prank calls ordering dozens of pizzas to Michael Moore's Upper West Side penthouse; oddly enough, Moore hasn't yet complained about this

2. Has taken to attending DC cocktail parties dressed as "The Humungous" from The Road Warrior

...and the Number One Sign that Charles Schumer Is On Fuckin' Fire...

1. Recently spotted at a Georgetown dive chugging beer and going shot-for-shot with Bob Dole's cock

Posted by: Ace at 03:07 PM | Comments (16)
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Although I've got some people I *know* I need to link, there are others I should link but will forget to unless reminded.

If you want to be linked, please mention your blog's name and URL in the comments below.

I don't link everybody. But I just noticed, for example, that commeter Carin has a blog, but never mentioned it to me. So I definitely need to link people like her.

And, by the way: I know I have to update the links for Marcland and Dalek's Weblog. I've just not gotten around to it. I know in Marcland's case it was because he requested the change when I still didn't even have my blogroll back up yet, as I was still in the redesign phase.

Posted by: Ace at 02:30 PM | Comments (35)
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