Note: Pushed up in queue so that this would come before the Top Ten list, now below.

Astonishly enough, just about the whole thing is quotable; I've had to cut a lot of great stuff just to comform with fair use. But read the whole damn thing:

Hush Over Hollywood
by Pat Sajak

Somewhere in the world, a filmmaker creates a short documentary that chronicles what he perceives as the excesses of anti-abortion activists. An anti-abortion zealot reacts to the film by killing the filmmaker in broad daylight and stabbing anti-abortion tracts onto his body. How does the Hollywood community react to this atrocity? Would there be angry protests? Candlelight vigils? Outraged letters and columns and articles? Awards named in honor of their fallen comrade? Demands for justice? Calls for protection of artistic freedom? ItÂ’s a pretty safe bet that there would be all of the above and much more. And all of the anger would be absolutely justified.

So IÂ’m trying to understand the nearly universal lack of outrage coming from Hollywood over the brutal murder of Dutch director, Theo van Gogh, who was shot on the morning of November 2, while bicycling through the streets of Amsterdam. The killer then stabbed his chest with one knife and slit his throat with another.

The presumed murderer, a Dutch-born dual Moroccan-Dutch citizen, attached a 5-page note to van Gogh's body with a knife. In it, he threatened jihad against the West in general, and specifically against five prominent Dutch political figures. Van GoghÂ’s crime? He created a short film highly critical of the treatment of women in Islamic societies. So, again I ask, where is the outrage from HollywoodÂ’s creative community? I mean, talk about a violation of the right of free speech!

...

ThereÂ’s another possibility; one that seems crazy on the surface, but does provide an explanation for the silence, and is also in keeping with the political climate in Hollywood. Is it just possible that there are those who are reluctant to criticize an act of terror because that might somehow align them with President Bush, who stubbornly clings to the notion that these are evil people who need to be defeated? Could the level of hatred for this President be so great that some people are against anything he is for, and for anything he is against?

Posted by: Ace at 12:35 PM | Comments (10)
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10. Latest phrase on Wheel of Fortune? "SUCK MY DIRTY HAIRY BALLS"

9. Old Pat Sajak Public Persona: The nice, sweet guy you want your daughter to marry
New Pat Sajak Public Persona: The guy who knocked up your daughter and then forced her to have dangerous Mexican breast-augmentation surgery (and then banged her sister)

8. Candidly admits reason for having so many porcelain dalmations on early shows-- was connected to Bonano Crime Family and was using tacky tchochtkees to smuggle black-tar heroin

7. When a recent contestant wasn't able to guess author's name for puzzle "STE_EN _ING," blurted out, "What are you, some kind of fucking retard?", then referred to contestant as "Corky from Life Goes On" for remainder of broadcast

6. Explains reason his late-night talk show failed was due to "stuffed-shirt network pussies" who wouldn't let him explore the issues most important to him-- illegal fireworks, cock-fighting, and vagina

5. Tom Sizemore, Robert Downey Jr., Mickey Rourke and Robert Blake just attempted to have an "intervention" with Sajak over his out-of-control, hard-living lifestyle; all four men are said to now be in "stable but guarded condition" at Los Angeles County General

4. Just had name legally changed to "Pat Fucking Sajak"

3. New rider in contract calls for separate adjoining suite for "my ginormous crotchmonster"

2. Is being investigated in connection with gangland-style shooting deaths of Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls; police are pursuing possible motive that both men "just sort of rubbed Sajak the wrong way"

...and the Number One Sign that Pat Sajak is on Fuckin' Fire...

1. Vanna White has that contented, beaming glow of a woman who's just been kept prisoner in somone's psychosexual torture chamber/rumpus room for six weeks straight*

*Don't believe me? The poor woman winces everytime she hears the words "bumper pool."

Posted by: Ace at 12:06 PM | Comments (9)
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Sobek has fun with photoshop.

I really need to get photoshop. Seems like fun. And I've had this thing I've wanted to do for some time. Mostly porn, yeah. But also stuff for this site.

Alas, I need the "Golden Photoshop" package, and I won't be able to pick it up until I make at least fifty thousand dollars of crazy blog-money.

Posted by: Ace at 10:23 AM | Comments (11)
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NOT SAFE FOR WORK (see below):

I've been hearing about this song for so long; finally it's available online. Someone's taken the song and added their own images and graphics.

I'm not hat-tipping my source -- let's just say his blog, and his prose, are purplish -- but I'm sure he'll forgive me, as he's maintains "God knows I'm not easy to offend."

NOT SAFE FOR WORK WARNING: In addition to the "Fuck Yeah" call back -- said about 100 times -- there's a brief and slightly pixelated shot of porn sex -- real sex, not faking it sex.

Posted by: Ace at 10:01 AM | Comments (9)
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72Virgins lashed me in a well-meaning critique. If anyone else wants to, as they say, opine, have at it. I'm soliciting slams and criticisms of all kinds.

I want this blog to be better. I don't know if I can actually make it better; a man's got to know his limitations, as Harry Calahan once said. But who knows, perhaps I can.

Keep it pithy. Name and town, people. Name and town. Eh, fuck it. You don't need to tell me your name and town. And you don't need to be pithy.

The best criticisms of me will earn a signed copy of Bill O'Reilly's Who's Looking Out for You? Signed by me, that is. Worth a lot more, I figure. There's gotta be ten million of those signed by O'Reilly.

Idea: People seemed to enjoy the open-forum thing I did a few weeks ago. Would that be the sort of thing people would like to see more often? I mean, you could just register at The Perfect World and have your own forum. But, if you want to post here, debating people you already know, we could have a weekly open forum debate on some issue that readers suggest.

Posted by: Ace at 09:47 AM | Comments (34)
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I'd rather have my enemies fail than succeed myself. Kind of a retarded position to take, but it's true:

The recipient, architect Frank Gehry, genuinely received the biggest laughs when he related his fear of following Maher (whom he had never met) since the only time he had done something similar, speaking after someone from the comedian's "near-profession", he had found it very difficult to go on immediately after 15 minutes of an hilarious Robin Williams act. He realized his fears were unfounded as "Bill Maher's not that funny."

No, he's not that funny. He simply reinforces liberal beliefs in a snide comedic tone. His clap to laugh ratio is a dangerously high 9:1.

And you know who else isn't funny? Jeneane Garofalo. Here's a telling tale from Fred Wolf, a longtime SNL writer:

I had this one sketch. It was about five idiot guys who were working on oil rigs in North Dakota. And they're drilling a hole deep into the earth and out of that hole pops some sort of a subterranean human-- some crazy alien person. And it's Jeneane Garofalo. And these five idiots see her come out of the hole and she tells them that she lives in an underground kingdom, that they've been watching earth's progress over millions of years and they have all the answers to any question that we might have about life on earth. And that she has five minutes until exposure to the air will kill her. [She offers:] "Ask any question you'd like."

Well, when she first pops out of the hole, Chris Farley screams a really high-pitched scream, so after she gives her speech about how they could ask any question they want, the next thing out of Adam Sandler's mouth is, he turns to Farley and says, "What the hell kind of scream was that? When you saw the fish lady pop out of the hole, you screamed like a girl." And then they proceed to spend one minute of her last remaining time on earth arguing over how he didn't screalm like a woman, he screamed like a man. And back and forth. The point of the sketch was that theese guys were idiots and that they were blowing their chance at, you know, at great knowledge.

Jeneane Garofalo raised hell with three or four people before I got wind of it that I was being "disrespectful to women" in that it is a fault of a guy to scream like a girl, that because Farley screamikng like a girl would bring chastisement, she said that meant that women therefore are deserving to be chastised when they scream. It was one of the most convoluted, strangerst, most ridiculous reasons I've ever heard to dislike a sketch.

I don't know if the sketch ever got on. It sounds sort of familiar, but maybe I'm just imagining it. It sounds kinda funny-- not super-funny, but a good chuckler for that last 12:50 sketch.

It's just amazing to me that some people can be so ludicrously PC that they can't just take a fat paycheck and perform a very skilly sketch.

Credit: Wolf's book taken from Live From New York: An Oral History of Saturday Night Live, at page... eh, fuck it, go look it fucking up yourself. Somewhere in the four-hundreds.

Posted by: Ace at 09:29 AM | Comments (5)
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