Okely-dokely. Yesterday I noted, following Politburo Diktat, that Kerry's much-vaunted convention bounce seemed, like Kerry's presence in the Senate, missing in action.

Some commentors noted that Rasmussen's polling that day only included some small fraction of interviews conducted during or after Kerry's speech.

That was a well-founded criticism.

But here's the deeley-oh, as the kids say. Now we have another full day of post-convention polling, and Kerry's lead-- which had stood at 3% -- has grown to a whopping one percent.

Was 48-45. Now 47-46.

Ummmm... isn't a "bounce" supposed to go the other way?

The theory that Kerry's best chance to steal the presidency is by way of an Invisible Man strategem seems to be buttressed by the latest numbers.

Bush obviously had a very good Friday night. We'll soon see if that was an aberration or something more substantial.

Posted by: Ace at 08:58 AM | Comments (57)
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Stay on message... stay on message...:

Meanwhile, Dems worked overtime trying to associate John Kerry and his running-mate, John Edwards, with the words "strong" and "strength."

The idea was meant to overcome the duo's hard-earned reputation for weakness on defense issues, given that the nation is at war. Kerry led the way, uttering some form of "strong" at least 17 times.

But maybe the biggest boost came from a newspaper: The New York Times.

"Edwards Gives Strong Tribute As Democrats Nominate Kerry," read its four-column, lead headline on Thursday (all emphasis added).

On Friday, the paper went whole hog for the cause: "Strong Show of 'Strength'," read a Page One analysis that itself noted the nominee's efforts to paint himself as "strong."

I should say so!

A strong show of strength? Is this a frickin' joke?

Planned headline for Bush's address: A Retarded Display of Retardation.

That should "balance" things out nicely.

But the Times doesn't stop there. Oh, no. Check out this headline today: The Nominee Seems a Happy Warrior.

Hmmm, why stop there? The Strong Happy Optimistic Prosperity Family-Fun-Time Nominee Seems a Very Happy Strong Tough-but-Fair Free-Sex Party-Time SuperWarrior of Mega-Strength.

They really should give me a job. I can bang these out right off the top of my head.

Posted by: Ace at 07:35 AM | Comments (22)
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This attitude -- giving defeats and uprisings and bodybags front-page coverage, while relegating victories to page A16 -- couldn't possibly hurt troop morale, could it?

Everytime our troops are killed, it's mentioned, usually in in the top third or even the first or second story, on the network newscasts.

When's the last time you saw such prominent reportage of our hundreds of clear victories? Victories in which twenty or thirty or forty terrorists are killed with minimal or zero American casualties?

Most often, I see the press refer to such enemy kills as "Iraqis." Iraqis. Not enemy fighters. Not foreign enemy fighters, which is what most of them are. Just "Iraqis." Some Iraqi civilians just out for a stroll whom our troops massacred.

Anyway:

"Once we got in the city, we had hundreds and hundreds of people trying to kill us," said the [soldier fighting in Fallujah, a] native of El Paso, Tex., recalling how the cascade of enemy shell casings from windows above the Marines sounded like a never-ending slot machine payout.

After braving enemy fire four times to evacuate wounded Marines, Petty Officer 3rd Class Jason "Doc" Duty received a medal nomination that reads, "As bullets impacted within inches of his head, Duty remained resolute in his mission."

...

More than 50 Marines from Echo Company have been recognized for valor between March 18 and April 26, when they went into Fallujah to root out insurgents after four civilian contract workers were murdered and two of the bodies hanged from a bridge.

The battalion's Fox Company has recommended about 20 Marines for medals.

"My boys are superheroes," said Capt. D.A. Zembiec, the Echo company commander who climbed atop a tank while under fire to guide it to where his men were pinned down. "I got guys with two Purple Hearts still out here working."

...

As word of the violence spread, the media gathered for a closer look.

When insurgents attacked Marines in a house, Lance Cpl. John Flores, 21, stood outside protecting the left flank. Wounded twice, Flores could have left for treatment, but he said he didn't have the heart to leave his fellow Marines.

"One reporter said, 'It can't be that bad,' " recalled 1st Sgt. William Skiles, Echo Company's top enlisted man.

"Well," Skiles recalled, "the Armored Assault Vehicle had just stopped to let the media off when the first (assault rifle) rounds flew overhead. Then came the (rocket propelled grenades). There weren't a whole lot of stories filed that day because the reporters were face down in the dirt."

During the encounter, journalists often asked Skiles, 43, of San Juan Capistrano, for information for their reports about the fighting, but he thought they were missing something.

"I kept thinking: What about valor? Why weren't any of the reporters interested in the valor of our Marines?

"All anyone wants to write about is our dead and wounded," he said, thumbing through military papers that included nominations for Silver and Bronze stars.

It would be nice to see Our Patriotic American Media give greater coverage to stories like the ones recounted here. I'd excerpt, but there's very little of the story that's not worth excerpting. Read the whole thing, as the man says.

It's a sick world where Michael Moore is lauded for having the "courage" to make a film guaranteed to win him praise from his peers and millions in profit, while the guys who actually have courage -- the real kind, not the fakey "artistic bravery" sort -- can't get a single column inch on the front page of any of our very patriotic newspapers.

Posted by: Ace at 07:26 AM | Comments (13)
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Court: Eighth Amendment Bars Executing Sandwiches, Retards; also, Retarded Sandwiches

IMPACTING HARD...

WORLD EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT DRUDGE! I MEAN, ME!

WASHINGTON -- In an order announced by Ruth Bader Ginsberg, the US Supreme Court has ruled "political prisoner" Johnny Coldcuts' request for a habeas corpus hearing and ordered him released immediately.

"The American system of justice requires that all detainees be granted a chance for a fair hearing before a civilian court," the brief order stated. "Detainees, whether alleged 'terrorists,' or 'foul-mouthed time-travelling bologna sandwiches,' cannot be held indefinitely at the whim of the Justice Department, or even right-wing bloggers trolling for donations."

Having reached the threshold determination that Johnny Coldcuts was entitled to a hearing, the Court then made the rare decision to rule on the petition's merits, and found that Johnny Coldcuts had the "mental capacity of an eight year old boy." "The petitioner, Mr. Coldcuts, talks about nothing except knockers and weiners and 'stinkybutts,'" Ms. Ginsberg declared from the steps of the Supreme Court. "As we found earlier in this term, in U.S. v. Wonkette, persons behaving in such a fashion are presumptively retarded. The State failed to carry the burden of disproving this presumption."

Candle-carrying crowds gathered in Paris last night in a silent vigil to protest Mr. Coldcuts' "political execution" by a "unilateral right-wing American jingoist." Reeking French fucks carring signs reading Forgetez-vous Johnny Coldcuts-- Non stood in a light rain for eight hours to protest the execution. The City Council of Paris had earlier declared Mr. Coldcuts a "political prisoner" and an "honorary citizen" of Paris.

It is not known at this time why the signs were written in crude fake-French rather than the actual language. Some reporters believed they did so so that FoxNews commentator Bill O'Reilly would understand their message.

The solemn vigil turned to jubilation when the decision was announced in an AFP wire.

Mr. Coldcuts had much to say about his French supporters. "Fuck 'em," he quipped. "I was half-hoping to be shot just to see the looks on their ugly French mugs."

Mr. Coldcuts also announced his decision to file an appeal. "I'm not a retard," he protested. "How the hell do they figure that? I'm an educated, engaging time-traveling bologna sandwich. I've got half a mind to go to Washington and slap Justice Breyer right in his pudgy frigging face."

Ace of Spades, a self-described "Internet Vigilante" who threatened to execute Mr. Coldcuts in order to extort donations from his readers, said he was "satisfied" by the decision. "Okay, look," he said from his ultraswank corporate hedquarters on the secret 103rd floor of the Empire State Building, "I didn't get enough to buy a Ducati. But people did send in money, and that was very generous. And it isn't just the money-- it's also the fact that people cared enough to make such a generous gesture."

He leans back in his chair. "But mostly, you know, it's the money itself. If you put a gun to my head, I'd say it's 90% 'the money,' and 10% 'the gesture.' Actually, that may be high-balling it a little on 'the gesture' part."

Mr. Spades promised to abstain from ever threatening any other made-up internet characters, "at least until my bandwidth costs go up. Seriously, it costs me like sixty-thousand dollars a month just to keep this site up and running."

Andrew Sullivan was asked for a comment. "Rick Santorum is a homophobic theocrat," he said, completely off-topic, as is his wont. "I have several 'Emails of the Day' which verify that judgment. Also, please send me money."

Thank you for saving my life, dickweeds!

Photo Credit: Used with permission of Enjoy Every Sandwhich. "Sandwich for Skippy" pic created by Zombie and Rowan.

Update: Joshua Micah Legolas Mordecai Sugarfoot "KHHAAAANNNN!" Marshall finds the "timing" of this decision "suspicious." "This news comes just as Kerry goes into a difficult period in his campaign, in which he must conserve campaign cash and use free media to get his message out," Mr. Marshall writes. "I think it's no coincidence that this media circus is sprung on the public at this time."

Mr. Marshall asserted that there were three periods during which the announcement of major news story would be deemed to indicate "suspicious timing": Before Kerry's convention, during Kerry's convention, and after Kerry's convention.

In fact, Mr. Marshall believes the November 2nd date upon which the election is scheduled is in fact possibly "suspiciously timed" itself. "How can we be sure that Kerry will be ahead in the polls on that one day of the whole year?" he ponders. "What if he's actually behind on November 2nd? That would be pretty suspicious, wouldn't it?"

He vowed he would have much more to say about this matter at a later time of his choosing.

More: Oliver Willis -- "Like Kryptonite to Original Thoughts and Jokes" -- has decided to once again copy from his betters. He is announcing a new pledge drive, titled Give Me Money to Buy Filet-O-Fish Sandwiches or I Will Eat This Filet-O-Fish Sandwich. He has named his Filet-O-Fish sandwich "Johnny Coldcuts," which is not only derivative, but it makes no sense in the context of a Filet-O-Fish sandwich.

Update: The pledge drive ended thirty seconds after it began, when Willis, driven mad by the delicious smell of the fishburger, consumed it in a single gulp.

Posted by: Ace at 04:39 AM | Comments (10)
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I've filed an emergency stay with the Supreme Court. We just have to hope now. Hope, and pray.

(crying I'm so... sorry. I'm so... sorry...! Waaaah

Be strong, Johnny. Have faith.

(wiping eyes I just want you to know... (sniffle)... I appreciate everything you've done for me... (sob)... and how ever this turns out... (blows nose)...
(beat)
You've got just about the most impressive knockers on a fucking nun I've ever seen. I mean, you've got crazy-sick-coming-out-of-your-collar knockers. Your blouse is like Knocker-City. Population: Two.

(reaches for Johnny Population: Three...

Cue Benny Hill theme.

Posted by: Ace at 06:20 PM | Comments (21)
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Missed this yesterday: 270 insurgents arrested in raids.

The claim is that they're 90% foreigners. Call me crazy, but unless an Arab foreigner is employed by Halliburton or such, I don't see any good reason for him to be in Iraq of all places.

Round 'em up, boys. Reinstate Lyddie Englund.

Posted by: Ace at 05:27 PM | Comments (7)
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Great stuff.

Posted by: Ace at 04:31 PM | Comments (13)
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Un. Frickin'. Believable.

30, 2004 (Bloomington, Ill.) — Filmmaker Michael Moore's Bush-basing documentary "Fahrenheit 9/11" apparently has upset more than Republicans.
The (Bloomington) Pantagraph in central Illinois has sent a letter to Moore asking him to apologize for using what the newspaper says was a doctored front page in the film.

A scene early in the movie shows newspaper headlines related to the legally contested presidential election of 2000. It includes a shot of The Pantagraph's front page with the prominent headline: "Latest Florida recount shows Gore won election."

But the Pantagraph says that headline was never on the front page. It only appeared -- in much smaller type -- above a letter to the editor.

Gee, that's not a misrepresentation or anything, is it? He portrayed the paper as making the factual, reportial claim that Gore won the recount, while the "headline" (such as it was) was only the conclusion of a reader's letter to the editor.

A message left at Lions Gate Entertainment seeking comment from Moore wasn't immediately returned today.

You fat, lying, fat fucking fuck-faced fuck.

Fat.

"The Rules Don't Apply To Me"

Some times I'm a "comedian"
others, a brave muckracking "journalist"
Fact is nothing-- I deal in truth.

Posted by: Ace at 04:21 PM | Comments (11)
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You know what? Don't even bother reading this story. It's the same story, basically, that I've already linked and that you've already read six billion times.

Jews might go bigger for Bush. Yeah, maybe. Probably not. Sure. What-everrrrr.

I just like the headline.

Ignore everything in this post except the headline. That's a keeper.

Posted by: Ace at 11:59 AM | Comments (12)
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Son of Nixon has a little somethin'-somethin'.

A little more: FoxNews' gossip hound said he was in Ben Affleck's hotel room. Affleck specifically pointed to the bed, which contained the younger of the Kerry girls, whom the the gossip hound hadn't noticed until Affleck pointed her out.

Affleck said gallantly, "Don't write about this."

Well, he did. Which, one presumes, was Affleck's intent.

I hope he marries, or at least knocks up, one of them. The kid'll have a jaw like a skateboard.

Posted by: Ace at 11:36 AM | Comments (14)
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