Should be coming soon. 11 minutes long. Supposedly it shows Kerry's numerous contradictory statements about Gulf Wars I and II.

I DON'T GET IT. HE'S JUST SHOWING HIS NUANCE AND "COMPLEXITY."

Update: Sharp as a Marble has Joshua Micah Cougar Mellencamp Marshall's next big scoop for him, offering:

I question the timing of this video.

Some might say it's designed to hurt Kerry right as he's nominated. But I think that's just crazy-talk.

Posted by: Ace at 11:18 AM | Comments (6)
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Brought in as a sub for Coulter after USAToday refused to run the column they'd commissioned, Goldberg pens a screed. I know he means well, but I DON'T GET IT.

Convention week officially began with the shocking news that the wife of a little-known Midwestern governor had written a column in which she criticized the way blacks, Southerners and various Easterners speak. Christie Vilsack — who will be addressing the convention today with, no doubt, perfect diction — apparently wrote her column for something slightly more prestigious than the Food King Flier more than a decade ago.

I DON'T GET IT. WHO IS THE "FOOD KING"? IS THIS A FAT JOKE?

I'M NOT FAT, JONAH. IT'S MOSTLY WATER WEIGHT.

That this "news" rocked the convention — albeit at a fairly low setting on the Richter scale — is a cautionary tale of what happens when a party is determined to deny anything approaching news from breaking out at its convention. If the Democrats will not provide copy, the media will generate their own.

IS THIS MEANT TO BE A SHOT AT THE MEDIA? NOT FUNNY, I DON'T GET IT. THE MEDIA IS THE MOST IMPORTANT AND MOST IDEALISTIC INSTITUTION IN AMERICA.

DID YOU MEAN "RNC" INSTEAD OF MEDIA? THAT JOKE MAKES MORE SENSE TO ME.

Still, one must give them credit; this promises to be the most disciplined Democratic convention ever — which normally would be akin to saying you've found the world's tallest midget.

MAKES NO SENSE. MIDGETS ARE NOT TALL. IF THEY ARE TALL, THEY ARE NOT, BY DEFINITION, MIDGETS.

ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC? IF SO, YOU SURE LOST ME.

...

Kerry's waxing philosophic about how life begins at conception, but the activists still wear abortion-on-demand buttons.

I DON'T GET IT. ARE YOU SUGGESTING SOME INCONSISTENCY? YOU'LL HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR ME.

BETTER YET, DELETE IT ENTIRELY. I KNOW COMEDY, AND THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

YOU KNOW WHO'S FUNNY? THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS. THE YO-YO MAKES ME LAUGH.
...

The irony, of course, is that Kerry is, in fact, far more simpatico with the delegates than any Democratic nominee has been since at least Walter Mondale and perhaps George McGovern — that is, if you go by something as trivial as the senator's actual voting record. Besides, even if Kerry weren't the most liberal senator in the United States — and from perhaps the most liberal state — when we elect presidents, we also elect their parties to staff the government.

IS THIS SARCASTIC? JOHN KERRY IS A MODERATE. I SUGGEST CHANGING REFERENCES TO "LIBERAL" TO "MODERATE" OR "CENTRIST" OR "CENTRIST, COMMON-SENSE PATRIOTIC WAR-HERO MODERATE."

THE JOKE WILL WORK BETTER THAT WAY, I THINK. THE BEST JOKES ARE THE ONES THAT "REALLY MAKE YOU THINK."

Howard Dean is already throwing things at effigies of Bush, Cheney & Co. and popping the veins in his neck as if he's just about to turn into the Hulk.

WHO IS "HULK"?

USATODAY STYLE-BOOK SAYS FIRST REFERENCE TO PERSONS SHOULD BE PRECEDED BY FORMAL TITLE. I WILL CHANGE TO "MR. HULK."

BUT I DON'T REALLY GET THE JOKE.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS FUNNY? MARK RUSSELL. HE SINGS FUNNY SONGS ABOUT POLITICS.

Never underestimate the ability of Democrats to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

NOT FUNNY. I DON'T GET IT. AND I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH A "SNATCH" JOKE.

MIGHT I SUGGEST THIS RE-WRITE:

THE DEMOCRATS WILL WIN IN NOVEMBER BECAUSE THEY'RE THE PARTY OF IDEAS, OPTIMISM, WISDOM AND HOPE.

MAYBE YOU CAN WORK IN SOME SORT OF "MAN FROM HOPE" PUN. THAT WILL KEEP THEM IN STITCHES.

STITCHES, I TELL YOU.

Posted by: Ace at 10:56 AM | Comments (4)
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Click graphic for story.

Thanks to Nick.

Update! A survey of manufacturing execs finds that while they are less optimistic than those in other sectors, confidence in an upbeat manufacturing climate has risen five points over the past year, to 84%.

Just to Be Consistent About This Update: I'm not sure that surveys of sentiment (as opposed to facts about current economic conditions) really are deserving of the all-important Cowbell stinger, but I might be wrong about that.

If so, I sincerely apologize, and offer modest, let-us-all-compromise-in-the-interests-of-patriotic-unity Cowbell:

Guess what? I got a fee-vah.

Posted by: Ace at 08:32 AM | Comments (7)
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(Note: This whole deal is a bravura comedic synthesis of the latest Andrew Sullivan and Ann Coulter posts. (At least my Mom says so.) If you read this before you read them, YOU WON'T GET IT.)

MASTER-STROKE: I've been writing for months now that Kerry's most effective message would be that he'd conduct the war on terror with more allies and more wisdom than Bush. But I never actually believed he'd be canny enough to do exactly that. But he has!

I DON'T GET IT.

I had a catch in my throat as "Amazing Grace" struck up, and another as I absorbed the fact that a Muslim-American and a Jewish-American had just joined in tribute to the murdered.

ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC? IF SO, YOU REALLY LOST ME.

Rhetorically, at least, they were saying: this is our war too. But we can pursue it more wisely and effectively than the well-meaning hothead now in office. And there was a subtler message as well. Remember when we were one as a nation? Do you really think that president Bush is capable of bringing any of us together again?

NOT FUNNY. IF THERE'S A JOKE HERE, YOU'LL HAVE TO DO A BETTER JOB OF SETTING IT UP. HAVE YOU CONSIDERED KNOCK-KNOCK FORMAT?

SUCH AS:

KNOCK-KNOCK.

--WHO'S THERE?

WE CAN PURSUE THIS WAR MORE WISELY THAN THE HOT-HEAD CURRENTLY IN THE OVAL OFFICE, THAT'S WHO.

SEE? THE PUNCHLINE IS BETTER TELEGRAPHED. IT'S GOT "SNAP."

Jimmy Carter's speech was one of the best I've ever heard from him; and the genius of it was that Carter went against type. He re-introduced himself as a navy veteran...

I DON'T GET ALL THIS PRAISE OF JIMMY CARTER. YOU OBVIOUSLY MEAN THIS IRONICALLY, BUT THE JOKE IS TOO SUBTLE AND FALLS FLAT.

I FEEL LIKE I'VE WALKED IN HALFWAY THROUGH A SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKETCH WITH A PARTICULARLY CONVOLUTED PREMISE.

Kerry showed up. Kerry is as tough as Bush - but with "judgment and maturity." And in case you didn't get the message: "The biggest reason to make John Kerry president is even more important. It is to safeguard the security of our nation."

NOT FUNNY. I DON'T GET IT. ARE YOU CONFUSING JOHN KERRY WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

I FIND THAT MOST FUNNY JOKES INVOLVE EITHER 1) BEARS OR 2) VAGINAS. TRY WORKING IN A BEAR OR A VAGINA ANGLE. MAYBE BOTH, IF YOU'RE FEELING AMBITIOUS.

CLINTON AT HIS BEST: Carter's was the better speech, but Clinton was magnificent.

GOOD SET-UP, BUT WHERE'S THE PUNCHLINE?

REMEMBER, BEARS AND VAGINAS. I THINK THE VAGINA IS THE OBVIOUS GO-TO JOKE FOR CLINTON, BUT MAYBE IT'S A LITTLE TO "ON THE NOSE."

IN SUMMARY:

GOOD EFFORT, BUT NEEDS WORK. KEEP TRYING WITH THE WHOLE "HUMOR" THING, ANDY.

-- YOUR EDITOR,

ACE OF SPADES

P.S. VAGINAS ARE WHERE BABIES COME FROM.

Posted by: Ace at 11:27 PM | Comments (6)
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MASTER-STROKE I'm still somewhat in shock at the first night of the Democratic Convention. I kept thinking i was at a Republican convention. Tightly scripted, elegantly choreographed, seamlessly on the centrist message of war, unity, maturity and judgment. Foreign policy was front and center; faith was showcased; military service was held up as the ideal; prudent leadership was touted in a time of "peril," in Hillary's word. I wonder if they can keep this up. But I'm amazed they've tried. I've been writing for months now that Kerry's most effective message would be that he'd conduct the war on terror with more allies and more wisdom than Bush. But I never actually believed he'd be canny enough to do exactly that. But he has! If the first night is any indicator, the Democrats have played the smartest, strongest card of the campaign so far....

I had a catch in my throat as "Amazing Grace" struck up, and another as I absorbed the fact that a Muslim-American and a Jewish-American had just joined in tribute to the murdered.

...

Rhetorically, at least, they were saying: this is our war too. But we can pursue it more wisely and effectively than the well-meaning hothead now in office. And there was a subtler message as well. Remember when we were one as a nation? Do you really think that president Bush is capable of bringing any of us together again? Of course, some Democrats are responsible for exactly that polarization. But it's nevertheless a smart move to portray themselves as a unifying future compared to the divisive past.

THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY: The cultural signals were superbly done as well.

...

Jimmy Carter's speech was one of the best I've ever heard from him; and the genius of it was that Carter went against type. He re-introduced himself as a navy veteran, and was most effective mentioning those presidents who had actually been in the military: Eisenhower and Truman, under whom Carter served. Now listen to this passage:

Today -- today our Democratic Party is led by another former naval officer, one who volunteered for military service. He showed up when assigned to duty -- and he served with honor and distinction. He also knows the horrors of war and the responsibilities of leadership. And I am confident that next January he would restore the judgment and maturity to our government that nowadays is sorely lacking.

Kerry showed up. Kerry is as tough as Bush - but with "judgment and maturity." And in case you didn't get the message: "The biggest reason to make John Kerry president is even more important. It is to safeguard the security of our nation."

...

TO THE RIGHT OF BUSH: ...

After 9/11, America stood proud, wounded but determined and united. A cowardly attack on innocent civilians brought us an unprecedented level of cooperation and understanding around the world.

But in just 34 months we have watched with deep concern as all this good will has been squandered by a virtually unbroken series of mistakes and miscalculations.

If you're a worried undecided voter, you may nott agree with all that. But you'll be troubled by enough of it to consider Kerry. And then there was the gut-punch: the indirect use of Bush's dubious National Guard service. In fact, the way in which the Democrats used the service record of Kerry against Bush was straight out of the Republican playbook. It's a pretty low blow, and Carter delivered it with a deep thud. When you describe someone as weak on defense and a draft-dodger, you're usually a Republican. But not this time.

...

CLINTON AT HIS BEST: Carter's was the better speech, but Clinton was magnificent.

...

And then the coup de grace: he put himself and Bush in the same camp as draft-dodgers, in stark comparison to the patriotic Kerry! My jaw was on the floor at that point in a mixture of admiration and horror. But it was mighty effective. And the way in which he described the cost of the tax cut in terms of squandered attempts to improve homeland defense was another smart move. Use the Republican tax cut issue against the Republican security issue. Wedge against them for once. If the constitution didn't prevent it, the man would still be president. After last night's speech, you can see why.

Guess who...?

Yes, it's that centrist, undecided analyst "reluctantly" moving towards supporting John Kerry. The one who apparently pays $120,000 for a server.

AllahPundit wrote to me, about six months ago, that Sully was just waiting for John Forbes Kerry to bravely declare "Terrorism is bad," and then he'd go into another one of his loopy puppy-dog-love swoons, praising the guts and judgment of the man to make such a steely pronouncement.

They don't call Allah the Maker of All Wisdom for nothin', folks.

By the way. This?:

I kept thinking i was at a Republican convention. Tightly scripted, elegantly choreographed, seamlessly on the centrist message of war, unity, maturity and judgment.

Of course Randy Andy thought he was at a Republican convention. Randy Andy has this funny way of thinking that wherever he is on an issue RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT, that represents the heart and soul of the conservative movement-- or at least the real conservative movement, the Gay-Marriage-Arnold-Schwarzenegger-John-McCain-Eagles-'n-Ecstasy "conservative movement" he prefers.

Who is this Garth Doug? There seems to be some confusion among readers about who "Garth Doug" is. One of the Dougs thinks I mean "Darth."

Didn't you guys watch Knight Rider?

Garth Knight was Michael Knight's "evil twin with a goatee."

So, to tell the two Dougs apart:

This is the Doug that agrees with me. Notice how sexy he looks in that Member's Only jacket.

This is Evil Twin Garth Doug, who disagrees with me. Look at this evil son-of-a-bitch! Look at that corrupt goatee! And look at that mendacious chest-hair! What a dickweed!

I hope that clears things up.

p.s. to Evil Twin Garth Doug:

j/k. (g).

Posted by: Ace at 10:43 PM | Comments (20)
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Amazing. You have to read the USAToday editor's ridiculous complaints about the piece.

I don't think this Coulter's best work. I don't even think it's her B-act. But that's not the point.

The point is is that this "editor" disingenuously keeps writing "I DON'T GET IT" after each and every joke. The editor either does "get it" and is lying about that, or else USAToday has joined up with the United Way in some sort of Give-a-High-Paid-Media-Career-to-a-Retard program.

Examples (Editor's, ahem, "input" in caps):

A speaker at the Democratic National Convention this year, Al Sharpton, accused white police officers of raping and defacing Tawana Brawley in 1987, lunatic charges that eventually led to a defamation lawsuit against Sharpton and even more eventually, to Sharpton paying a jury award to the defamed plaintiff Steve Pagones. So itÂ’s a real mystery why cops wouldnÂ’t like Democrats.

USA Today: IS THAT LAST SENTENCE SARCASTIC? IF SO, YOU SURE LOST ME.

See, Al Sharpton defamed prosecutor Steven Pagones, accusing him of kidnapping and raping Tawana Brawley. Now Sharpton is a speaker at the convention. Cops, you see, might not like that.

Is this a very complex joke? This editor sure seems easily "lost."

As for the pretty girls, I can only guess that itÂ’s because liberal boys never try to make a move on you without the UN Security Council's approval. Plus, itÂ’s no fun riding around in those dinky little hybrid cars. My pretty-girl allies stick out like a sore thumb amongst the corn-fed, no make-up, natural fiber, no-bra needing, sandal-wearing, hirsute, somewhat fragrant hippie chick pie wagons they call "women" at the Democratic National Convention.

USA Today: NOT FUNNY, I DON'T GET IT.

Liberal women are hairy, dykey hippie-chick pie-wagons. You may disagree with this, but I have difficulty believing that the editor doesn't "get" a stereotype of liberal bra-burners that dates from 1966.

I have a feeling that this editrix gets the joke-- only too well.

Looking at the line-up of speakers at the Convention, I have developed the 7-11 challenge: I will quit making fun of, for example, Dennis Kucinich, if he can prove he can run a 7-11 properly for 8 hours. WeÂ’ll even let him have an hour or so of preparation before we open up. Within 8 hours, the money will be gone, the store will be empty, and heÂ’ll be explaining how three 11-year olds came in and asked for the money and he gave it to them.

USA Today: I DON'T GET IT.

The editrix doesn't "get" a complaint that liberals are bleeding-hearts and ineffectual managers. Apparently the editrix also didn't "get" the presidential elections of 1968, 1972, 1980, 1984, and 1988.

I imagine the day after those Republican drubbings, she redlined the stories declaring Republicans the newly elected or re-elected Presidents, writing "HOW CAN THIS BE? I DON'T GET IT. GEORGE McGOVERN IS A VERY SMART MAN. ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC? IF SO, YOU SURE LOST ME."

IÂ’d say I love all these Democrats in Boston so much I want them to go home, but I donÂ’t. I want Americans to get a good long look at the French Party and keep the 7-11 challenge in mind.

USA Today: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "THE FRENCH PARTY"? I DON'T GET IT.

Our editrix proves herself to be truly cosmopolitan and up with current events here. Apparently she hasn't noticed the affinity between Jacques Chirac and John Forbes Kerry.

I ask you: Is it conceivable that the editrix didn't "get" those third-grade-level (sorry, Ann) jokes?

Or is it more likely that this yet another example of the liberal media objecting to a story or an analysis based on political affintiy, and yet refusing to forthrightly admit the political nature of the disagreement?

Her real problem? She disagrees with Coulter. Coulter has committed the journalistic offense of writing something a liberal media-type disagrees with.

She "gets" the jokes. She just doesn't think they're fair. She doesn't think they're funny, in the same sense that getting pegged in nards by bocce ball might be funny to others, but it won't be very funny to you.

Of course, Michael Moore will be performing the same service at the Republican convention. As Human Events notes, it's a pretty fair bet that USAToday won't need his jokes explained to them. They'll not only get those jokes, they'll be telling their friends about them for a week afterwards.

And needless to say, his columns will make it into print with minimal editorial changes.

You won't see any "I DON'T GET IT"'s or "IS THIS SARCASTIC?" there.

No, the only comments there will be "DYNAMITE! EXPAND THIS THOUGHT!" or "DON'T YOU THINK WE CAN GO TO THE BUSH=CHIMP WELL ONE MORE TIME?!"

Update: Michelle Malkin comments.

Posted by: Ace at 07:13 PM | Comments (13)
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In the off chance you haven't seen this, turns out that the media was a lot more eager to run stories about Joe Wilson's charges than the debunking of those exact charges:

How is it that the exact same story can be so newsworthy and important when it's hurting Bush, and yet not newsworthy at all when it turns out to be false and thus, in effect, helping Bush?

How can the media have run all these stories and imagine they have no obligation to prominently correct the record that themselves made?

More here, here, here, and of course here.

Posted by: Ace at 06:52 PM | Comments (2)
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47% approve, 50% disapprove of his handling.

That's up from 39% approval in March, and 45% earlier this month.

Posted by: Ace at 06:11 PM | Comments (1)
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Portly partisan Oliver Willis is spinning Teresa Heinz's "Shovegate" gaffe.

As you might know, Terrezzzzzza gave a speech in which she said that some political speech -- and of course she chiefly meant the speech of Republicans -- was becoming "unamerican."

A reporter from the conservative-leaning Pittsburgh Tribune-Reviewer attempted to ask her about this. She said, repeatedly and forcefully, that she'd never said the word "unamerican," and that the reporter was putting words into her potty mouth.

Of couse, she actually did say that.

Once she found out the reporter was from the PTR, she told him to "shove it."

It's not the "shove it" which is really objectionable. It's the fact that she lied about impugning those who criticize her husband as "unamerican."

The liberals are spinning this, claiming that she didn't say what she is caught on tape saying. Willis' initial defense was exactly that, but now he has corrected to allow that she did say the word in question, but that he's not really sure of the "context."

How many fuckin' different "contexts" could there be, Cholesterol-Head?

If Terezzzza is to be excused for uttering this quite-inutterable slander -- at least we're all lectured about how horrible the unamerican slur is when directed at liberals -- because she said that some were merely "becoming unamerican," then of course I will take that to mean that the liberals will not object if Republicans merely say that the liberals are becoming unamerican in their opposition to the war on terrorism (and even the law-enforcement efforts against terrorism).

You can't have it both ways, guys. The charge is either a horrible slander which must be condemned or it is not. It cannot be the case that Terezzza is permitted to make this charge -- yet again -- and conservatives are not.

Meanwhile, the wife of Iowa governor (and Democrat) Tom Vilsack is apparently "fascinated" by the way blacks talk to one another.

The Video: Go here to watch Terezzzzzza call brave political dissidents "unamerican," and then lie about that.

Posted by: Ace at 01:38 PM | Comments (6)
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Treasuries Fall on Fears of Strong Economic Data:

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Treasury prices fell on Monday as traders feared record U.S. home sales might herald a wave of strong data in a week packed with economic reports.

Policy-makers have argued that a June slowdown in growth was a mere blip in an otherwise healthy recovery. Investors are worried their theory could be corroborated in this week's data, damaging safe-haven government debt.

Compounding the uneasy mood was a hefty pile of upcoming supply -- $35 billion worth will make its way into the market this week.

The week's first notable economic report certainly caught bond bulls off guard. Sales of existing homes climbed 2.1 percent to 6.95 million in June, confounding analysts, who had looked for a pullback.

"How much of this is just people rushing out to lock in rates before they go up remains to be seen," said Steve Ricchiuto, chief U.S. economist at ABN Amro.

...

Some of the economic data this week will likely echo the softness seen at the end of the last quarter. The advance GDP report on Friday, for instance, is expected to show growth slowed to an annual 3.6 percent in the second quarter from 3.9 percent in the first.

But the week's numbers may also offer evidence that activity picked up in July. If so, that would tend to support the Federal Reserve's optimism on the economy and reaffirm the outlook for steady interest rate hikes.

Kansas City Federal Reserve President Thomas Hoenig indicated as much on Monday, saying the economy was doing well and should register growth above 4 percent in 2004. Economists seemed to agree.

"The Chicago PMI should post a healthy rebound from a big dip in June, one clearly distorted by the annual auto plant retooling," said Eric Green, an economist at BNP Paribas.

The Chicago purchasing management survey is due on Friday.

"The ISM as well as the employment report the following week should provide further evidence that the lull in June was just that," added Green, referring to the Institute for Supply Management survey of manufacturers.

Modest, Don't-Want-To-Count-Our-Chickens Cowbell:

Click for the Cowbell Theme.

Posted by: Ace at 01:24 PM | Comments (1)
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