If you haven't been following it -- and if you haven't, kudos to you for your good taste and judgment -- there's a minor fooferall regarding the Washington-based blogger Washingtonienne.

Well, she's not just a blogger, really. She's a blogger-slash-Senate Aid-slash-dirty, filthy whore. More on that later.

Wonkette, who may or may not herself be a filthy whore, but is certainly a publicity whore, is pumping up this tawdry tale into her own little Monica-gate.

Serious Content Warning: A graphic recounting of my own tawdry sex-for-money escapades follows. Seriously-- some of this might be too rude for general consumption. more...

Posted by: Ace at 12:39 AM | Comments (29)
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Iraqis claim that air-attack on "wedding party" kills 40 innocents.

US disputes Iraqi claim of attack on wedding party, calling it an attack on a safe house and warehouse used by terrorist insurgents; weapons, foreign passports, and sophisticated commuication devices recovered from the targeted building.

Top Ten Signs You're at an Iraqi "Wedding Party"

10. Dress is strictly black-tie and bandana face-mask

9. Invitations promise "Dinner at Nine, Dancing 'till Midnight, Suicide-Bombing 'till ?..."

8. The wedding band's rendition of Signed, Sealed, Delivered contains a bassline which incorporates coded messages to Hezbollah

7. When the bride tosses the "bouquet," panicked guests run away in shrieking horror

6. The buzz of the party is whether or not the bride will take the husband's nomme de guerre

5. The best man's toast concludes, "Health, wealth, and happiness, and death to the pig-monkey Jews and infidel Crusaders"

4. The couple is registered at the Syrian Intelligence Agency

3. According to tradition, the bride's father pays for the wedding; the groom's father provides the new couple with a SATCOM radio and Katyushka surface-to-surface missiles

2. Dinner selections include prime rib, stuffed chicken, and binary-form sarin gas

...and the Number One Sign You're at an Iraqi "Wedding Party"...

1. The groom sports the traditional Iraqi handlebar moustache, as does the bride

Posted by: Ace at 12:29 AM | Comments (1)
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Top Ten Euphemisms for Masturbation in the Star Wars Universe

10. "pulling the ears off your Gundak"

9. "petting the Wookie"

8. "doing the Jedi Hand Trick"

7. "strangling Jabba the Hutt"

6. "polishing your R2 unit's sensor dome"

5. "feeling a strange disturbanceÂ… in your pants"

4. "wrangling the ol' tauntaun"

3. "brandishing your Gaderffii stick"

2. "strokin' Yoda"

...and the Number One Eupehmism for Masturbation in the Star Wars Universe...

1. "setting your blaster to fun"

Posted by: Ace at 12:26 AM | Comments (3)
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Some people don't like potatoes much at all.

And then some people despise potatoes so passionately they malign them in the most venomous, hateful terms. An entire "subculture of hate" has sprung up in opposition to the innocent, humble tater. Committed "tater-haters" spread their venom in order to undermine what they call "the Spud Agenda."

Top Ten Disparaging Terms for Potatoes, By People Who Really, Really Hate Potatoes

10. "The Irish Scourge"

9. "The Predatory Pedophiles of the Plant Kingdom"

8. "Idaho turdmuffins"

7. "Hitler-tubers" (archaic form: "Kaiser-tubers")

6. "Satan's Yams"

5. "Dirt-Testes"

4. "Insidious, Godless Commuspuds"

3. "Nature's Little Zionists"

2. "Dirtbacks" (considered a racial slur against potatoes)

Â…and the Number One Disparaging Term for Potatoes, by People Who Really, Really Hate PotatoesÂ…

1. "Retard-apples"

Update: For those who wanted a Top 10 Bush-Apology List, Protein Wisdom has stepped up and provided the leadership this country needs.

Unfortunately for us, he drops a Billy Squier reference, which really steams our beans because we now realize how desperately we wanted to make such a reference ourselves. On the plus side, he links Billy's site, and if you follow that link you get to hear some snippets of a couple of Billy Squier's songs. But not, alas, "In the Dark."

Damn. We forgot how much we love Billy Squier.

Posted by: Ace at 12:21 AM | Comments (4)
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There will be some genuinely new posting today -- especially if there's big news -- but, as I'm now getting a boatload of new traffic, I thought maybe I could try to hook them into coming back once this Rather-thing blows over, maybe by presenting some of my old stuff.

So, throughout the day I'll be reposting some of my best stuff, in the hopes that maybe more than fourteen people will see it.

Not that I don't appreciate my fourteen regular readers; I do. It's just that blogging is an embarassing enough habit; it's more embarassing when you're writing for a smaller audience than BringCharlesInChargeBack!.com.

Anyway. On to the umpteenth reprinting of dated material.

By the way, if you catch me referring to myself as "we" or "us," just ignore it. My previous schtick was that Ace of Spades is a lavishly-financed 644-man concern operating out of our luxurious offices on the secret 103rd floor of the Empire State Building. So everything was "we."

Yeah, I know-- that's why I dropped it.

Posted by: Ace at 12:16 AM | Comments (5)
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Near the end, in a typically slanted New York Times piece that seems to suggest it's unclear whether or not the documents are forgeries.

So, Allah gets mentioned by the New York Sun. Ratherbiased.com gets mentioned by the New York Times. Powerline gets on Hume. LGF gets mentioned by O'Reilly, Brit Hume, and, well, everybody else.

And what's Ace of Spades get?

I just got added to my Aunt Hazel's Friendster list.

So don't worry about me. I'm doin' just fine.

(chugs from bottle of Val-U-Rite discount vodka;
then whispers harshly

I'm doin' just fine.

Brit Hume Non-Mention! Brit Hume mentioned tonight that Burkett had compared Bush to Napoleon and Hitler... something I just reported two nights ago. And I know that post got an awful lot hits from an awful lot of people.

Any mention of the Acester?

Nope. Nothin'.

Brit Hume gave me the shitfinger.

But don't worry about me. I'm sitting here with my box of Val-U-Rite discount vodka and an Oliver-Willis-Sized carton of Funions.

I'm doin' just fine.

(begins knitting crude noose out of heavy extension cords)

I'm doin' just fine. And dandy.

Posted by: Ace at 10:11 PM | Comments (27)
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Kausfiles used to have quite a bit of fun with the LA Times' liberal-coccoon wishful thinking, always claiming that Gray Davis' advisors were "increasingly optimistic" about trouncing Schwarzenegger.

Kausfiles had big funny the day after Schwarzenegger replaced Davis, easily winning the run-off, and Davis easily losing the recall; Kausfiles speculated that the LA Times headline would be, Davis Recalled; Schwarzenegger Elected Governor; Davis' Aides "Increasingly Optimistic."

Well, CBS News has got nothing on the LA Times.

GALLUP: Bush leads Kerry by 14 points in three-way matchup, building upon his big convention bounce.

CBS News:

Despite turmoil in the John Kerry campaign, key Democrats believe Kerry is back on-message and poised to overtake President Bush by Election Day. Following two weeks of Kerry campaign reorganization, optimism flourishes among Democratic insiders.

Veteran Democratic strategists agree that John Kerry had a poor August, was off message and allowed President Bush to drive the momentum of the campaign. ThatÂ’s ending, in party veteransÂ’ view.

While the cohesiveness of the Democratic campaign remains in question, KerryÂ’s coming turn around does not among many party veterans. They believe the Kerry campaign has sufficiently restructured and is now on track.

The liberal media has to understand something: they may think they're helping their liberal heroes, and to some small extent they are, but this sort of obvious boosterism also hurts the liberal candidates they're trying to get elected.

Posted by: Ace at 06:22 PM | Comments (10)
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Buried so deep in the article that only the crack team at Lucianne.com could possibly find it:

"A Gallup poll being released Friday has Bush up 54-40 in a three-way matchup, with Ralph Nader (news - web sites) at 3 percent."

I don't want to say that John Kerry is looking for a quick exit out of this campaign, but he was just seen arguing with a doctor that an infected hangnail deserves a Purple Heart.

Posted by: Ace at 05:32 PM | Comments (12)
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They all go to a centralized records depot.

So Bill Burkett's "I three times got lucky overhearing/seeing document scrubbing" just became a little more implausible.

Dan Rather Has PMS: Demure Thoughts explains what's wrong with Rather's "preponderance of evidence" standard, in terms Rather might understand.

Posted by: Ace at 05:12 PM | Comments (3)
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From the Online Journal article cited by Captain's Quarters:

Burkett was one of five subjects in James Moore's book, "Bush's War for ReElection," and one of the sources for information in the Michael Moore's film "Farenheit 911." He is decorated soldier and recognized military process expert.

I'd like to trash Michael Moore's integrity and professionalism-- but sadly, it's no more shoddy than CBS News'.

Posted by: Ace at 05:06 PM | Comments (15)
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