SCENE: A corporate boardroom. CAROLYN takes a seat to the left; a BLONDE MAN IN AN ORANGE SHIRT AND GREEN TIGHTS takes a seat to the right.

The main doors open, and DONALD TRUMP enters the boardroom and sits.

TRUMP: Okay. So, the Ace of Spades readers were assigned a task to write bad poetry. How did they do, Carolyn?

CAROLYN: I think they did well overall, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: Good, good. Once again, George is away on business. Or should I say, "business." I think he's on some kind of sex-tour in Thailand.

CAROLYN: Actually he's finalizing your acquisition of the Continental Hotel in Geneva.

TRUMP: They call Thailand "The Switzerland of the Orient."

CAROLYN: Nobody calls it that.

TRUMP: Sure they do. My mechanic told me that when I was preparing to jump the central, gorgeous fountain at the Tropicana Hotel in Vegas on a red white and blue motorcycle.

CAROLYN: That wasn't you. That was Evel Kinievel.

TRUMP: Now who's being naive, Carolyn? Daredevil stunts are a two billion dollar a year business, and, in my guise as Evel Kinievel, I'm the largest purveyor of daredevil spectacles in the world.

CAROLYN: No, you're not.

TRUMP: Well, maybe I'm not. And that's the key to business: Just making up shit left and right. Who do we have to replace George today?

CAROLYN: He joined the Trump Organization last May to help conform our West Side development project with the EPA's requirements: Aquaman.

TRUMP: Jesus, he's the lamest guest executive ever. Can't we just get Omarosa or someone?

CAROLYN: She wasn't available.

TRUMP: Well, okay. Welcome then, Aquaman.

AQUAMAN: The King of the Seven Seas bids you a hearty "Ahoy!"

TRUMP: You're not going to summon any fish or anything, are you?

AQUAMAN: No.

TRUMP: Good. I always thought that was pretty gay. You're up against the Black Mantis and your big trick is to summon a school of tilapa. I think you missed your calling. You should quit the Justice League and join Red Lobster.

AQUAMAN: I've had offers.

TRUMP: I'd look into them. Selling Fisherman's Platters is a ninety billion dollar a year industry. The tartar sauce industry is a seven hundred thirty trillion dollar a year enterprise.

CAROLYN (to Aquaman): Ignore him. He gets this way sometimes.

TRUMP: Okay. So we have to announce the winners.

more...

Posted by: Ace at 10:31 AM | Comments (45)
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Does Castro have Parkinson’s Disease?

The CIA recently concluded that Cuban leader Fidel Castro suffers from Parkinson's disease and has warned U.S. policymakers to be ready for trouble if the 79-year-old ruler's health erodes over the next few years.

Damián Fernández, director of Florida International University's Cuban Research Institute, said the larger questions are how Castro's subordinates would react to his mental or physical erosion, and how that could affect Raúl's role as Cuba's No. 2.

''I envision Raúl [Castro’s brother and head of the armed forces]trying to forge key alliances with subordinates in the military and among civilians to rule very tightly,'' he said. ''But I don't know how this could sustain itself without delivering benefits'' to the Cuban people.

That's assuming that Raúl, 74, does not die before his brother. That would leave Fidel without a clear successor and the powerful military, now controlled by the younger brother, without a widely recognized or respected leader.

The result might be political turmoil as senior government officials jockey for power with a Fidel Castro too infirm to make vital decisions.

Interesting. Not sure how this will play out, but I’m pulling for the most entertaining scenario – Castro loses it but continues with those eight hour speeches, the audience not permitted to leave, while El Commandante goes off on the proper consistency of kitten pudding or his project to paint the ocean orange. Fun times ahead.

Posted by: Dr. Reo Symes at 08:58 AM | Comments (18)
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Does Castro have ParkinsonÂ’s Disease?

The CIA recently concluded that Cuban leader Fidel Castro suffers from Parkinson's disease and has warned U.S. policymakers to be ready for trouble if the 79-year-old ruler's health erodes over the next few years.

Damián Fernández, director of Florida International University's Cuban Research Institute, said the larger questions are how Castro's subordinates would react to his mental or physical erosion, and how that could affect Raúl's role as Cuba's No. 2.

''I envision Raúl [Castro’s brother and head of the armed forces]trying to forge key alliances with subordinates in the military and among civilians to rule very tightly,'' he said. ''But I don't know how this could sustain itself without delivering benefits'' to the Cuban people.

That's assuming that Raúl, 74, does not die before his brother. That would leave Fidel without a clear successor and the powerful military, now controlled by the younger brother, without a widely recognized or respected leader.

The result might be political turmoil as senior government officials jockey for power with a Fidel Castro too infirm to make vital decisions.

Interesting. Not sure how this will play out, but I’m pulling for the most entertaining scenario – Castro loses it but continues with those eight hour speeches, the audience not permitted to leave, while El Commandante goes off on the proper consistency of kitten pudding or his project to paint the ocean orange. Fun times ahead.

Posted by: Dr. Reo Symes at 08:58 AM | Comments (18)
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The Pajamas Media hoo-hah is going on here in New York today. There's some sort of confab in the morning and some sort of meet and greet in the early evening. The latter, I'm reliably informed, will feature liquor.

I'm more drawn to that one.

Not really sure if I'll have much time to blog. If anything interesting gets said at the morning confab, you have my word that I'll read about it on someone else's blog and then link to it.

Posted by: Ace at 10:05 PM | Comments (61)
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Iraqi Basic Training Extended From 14 To 24 Days

And they're training themselves now, too:

At the academy, recruits are taught hand-and-arm signals. All the instruction is in Arabic—no translator needed. Iraqi noncommissioned officers teach the course.

"We're at a phase now where we mainly just advise the Iraqi instructors," said Sgt. 1st Class Naymon Mack, an advisor at the academy who also serves in the 80th Div. "Two years ago, we started off with Americans giving all the training. American drill instructors did all the training through interpreters."

"Now, we pretty much just oversee (Iraqi instructors) and make sure the training is conducted properly," Mack said. "We've moved to another level."

Ants Devour Eye of Coma Patient

"I've got some bad news and some good news. The bad news is, carnivorous ants ate your eye out of its socket. The good news is, well, it's not like you were going to be winning any archery contests anyhow."

Mars May Have Liquid Water

Using a planetary environmental chamber – a tank that mimics the atmosphere, temperature, and pressure of other planets – the team exposed various concentrations of briny water to conditions that match Mars' colder, less pressurized environment. Based on these experiments, salty water, it seems, can exist as liquid on Mars.

"It was thought that any liquid on the surface would evaporate almost immediately," Julie Chittenden, a graduate student with the Arkansas Center for Space and Planetary Sciences told SPACE.com. "These brine solutions enable water to stay liquid at colder temperatures. If you expose these brine solutions to cold temperatures, they can exist for a very long period of time."

While pure water freezes at zero degrees Celsius, water mixed with sodium chloride and calcium chloride salts – the two salts used in these experiments – remains liquid down to -21 and -50 degrees Celsius respectively.

Because salty water can exist as liquid at colder temperatures than pure water, it won't make the jump from ice to vapor as quickly, giving it a better chance of existing as liquid on the surface or just below it. Average Martian temperatures range between -125 degrees and 28 degrees Celsius at various latitudes at different times during the day, and the salty test samples stayed liquid within the range.

I'm just sayin'... what if we just f'n' shipped all the caribou in ANWR to Mars? We'd be giving them an entire planet. That is, until they die off (in 30 minutes) and start becoming oil. Then we drill the fuckers.

Iran Warns Action on Nukes Could Have "Consequences"

Memo to Iran: Threatening a country that already has the bomb could have "consequences," too.

Poland Hopes To Base For American Missile Defense System

Poland's new centre-right government has signalled its eagerness to become the key European partner for the Bush administration's controversial "son of Star Wars" missile defence shield. Less than a week after winning a vote of confidence in the Polish parliament, the new prime minister, Kazimierz Marcinkiewicz, said the Polish authorities were discussing the plans with Washington.

...

More than the radar sites, the Polish authorities want to host a missile interceptor site, a reinforced underground silo from which long-range missiles would be launched to intercept incoming rockets.

If agreed, such a site would make Poland the host of the biggest US missile defence site outside the US. Any such move would be certain to infuriate the Russians, Poland's neighbour, who are alarmed by the missile defence plans. The Poles and Americans say any European missile interceptor installation would be aimed not at Russia but at neutralising potential attacks from the Middle East.

Memo to Russia: Maybe if you'd stop giving Iran missile and nuke technology we wouldn't have to build this sucker on your doorstep.

40-50 Thousand Total Enemies Killed In Iraq?

LauraW. already posted this letter from Iraq, but I was delighted to read this:

When they [the Iraqi "freedom fighters," who fight mainly to free schoolteachers of their heads] are engaged on an infantry level they get their asses kicked every time. Brave, but stupid.

Suicidal Banzai-type charges were very common earlier in the war and still occur. They will literally sacrifice 8-10 man teams in suicide squads by sending them screaming and firing Aks and RPGs directly at our bases just to probe the defenses. They get mowed down like grass every time....

When engaged, they have a tendency to flee to the same building, probably for what they think will be a glorious last stand. Instead, we call in air and thats the end of that more often than not. These hole-ups are referred to as Alpha Whiskey Romeos (Allahs Waiting Room).

We have the laser guided ground-air thing down to a science. The fast movers, mostly Marine F-18s, are taking an ever increasing toll on the enemy. When caught out in the open, the helicopter gunships and AC-130 Spectre gunships cut them to ribbons with cannon and rocket fire, especially at night. Interestingly, artillery is hardly used at all.

Fun fact: The enemy death toll is supposedly between 45-50 thousand. That is why were seeing less and less infantry attacks and more IED, suicide bomber shit. The new strategy is simple: attrition.

News You Can Use: Seasonal Depression May Affect Hamsters

Very, very important research, worth every dime they're spending on it. Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, which causes depression due to declining sunlight in the winter months, affects hamsters too.

Confirming a long-held belief of mine: Never stick a hamster where the sun don't shine.

Archeologists Discover Pottery With Name of Biblical Giant, Goliath

Archaeologists digging at the biblical home of Goliath have unearthed a shard of pottery bearing the Philistine's name, lending credence to the Biblical tale of David's battle.

While the discovery does not prove Goliath's existence, it does support the Bible's depiction of life at the time of the supposed battle, said Dr Aren Maeir of Bar-Ilan University in Israel.

"It means there were people there named Goliath at the time. It shows David's story reflects the cultural reality of the time."

Also named on the pottery shard? Mid-eighties shit-rock balladeer Richard Marx. Archaeologists could offer no explanation, but did say "At least it wasn't Peter Fucking Cetera."

Iraqi Terror-Suspects Allege: US Troops Threw Us In Lions' Cage!

But their amazing story doesn't end there. One of the detainees, it turns out, had earlier removed a thorn from the lion's paw, and the lion declared, in a rich booming voice (not unlike that of James Earl Jones): "This Iraqi, he's... he's okay by me. No, really, he's a pretty good guy. So we will only eat his legs and genitals."

But just as the somewhat-grateful lion was about to attack, the Iraqis were spirited away from the cage by leprechaun, who told them, "There is a pot at the end of the rainbow, and that pot is called 'multi-level marketing.' Have either of you ever considered selling products for Amway?"

Although the men could offer no proof of their amazing magical adventures, the mainstream media was quick to parrot their charges, noting that their charges were "similar to charges leveled by other Iraqi detainees, as well as demented street-rummies and lunatics. So we're quite comfortable running with it."

The men came forward after Mary Mapes put them in touch with officals at the DNC to "discuss political strategies against Bush."

Syria Girds Itself For Coming Sanctions

Bracing for possible economic sanctions, Syrian officials urged citizens to stock up on Syrian products, such as "asssassination, terror, mass-murder, squalor, backwardness and barbarism."

"We may have to tighten our belts a little," the Syrian Minister of Terror stated, "but we can always draw upon our Strategic Crazy Reserve in case things get really tough."

Syria has been filling the Strategic Crazy Reserve since 1988. It is estimated to contain 1.8 million barrels of light sweet crazy.

Posted by: Ace at 09:31 PM | Comments (46)
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I don't wish terrorist massacre on anyone, but Daniel Pipes hope that the massacre of Palestinians in Amman will be a "teachable moment" (as the liberals say) for the Palestinian Murder Cult.

I extend my deepest sympathy to the family. I also hope that Palestinians, who have established a worldwide reputation not just for relying heavily on suicide murder but for doing so enthusiastically, will benefit from this unique learning opportunity.

No other media and school system indoctrinates children to become suicide murderers. No other people holds joyous wakes for dead suicide bombers; no other parents hope their children will blow themselves up. None other receives lavish endorsement and funding for terrorism from the authorities. Nor has another people produced a leader so inextricably tied to terrorism as was Yasir Arafat, nor so bountifully devoted its allegiance to him.

...

Will the Palestinians’ shameful love affair with suicide killings and “martyrdom” diminish after the atrocity in Amman? Might a taste of their own medicine teach them that what goes around comes around? That barbarism ultimately visits the barbarians too?

Short answer: No.

Longer answer: Maybe possibly, by which I mean, "No."

Posted by: Ace at 09:05 PM | Comments (2)
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Who you gonna believe, them or your own lying Times?

Subliminadabbubble Messages? Traffic Non-Santa points out the music playing in the clip is Traffic's Low Spark of High Heeled Boys, which, I guess, he supposes is some kind of gay joke.

Not necessarily. The song's about whores. Male whores, gay whores, hustlers, yes. But whores first and foremost.

I'd say the "hustler/whore" message is the intended one, not the "fruity fairyboy" one. 'Sides, a lot of hustlers aren't even actually gay. (Or so the movies tell me.) Same as a female prostitute isn't really all that in to having sex with you.

If the RNC really wanted to push the gay thing, the song would have been Relax (Don't Do It) seguing into Duran Duran's Wild Boys, which, for my money, is even gayer than the Frankie Goes To Hollywood one.

NRO acclaims Insty's knowledge of Traffic's songbook. Identifying their most famous song? C'mon. Reciting lyrics from the song proves something. Like this:

The percentage you're paying is too high a price
while you're giving up on all of your dreams
and the man in the suit just bought a new car
from the profit he made off your jeans

Or something pretty close to that. From memory. That second line looks a little off.

If Instapundit really wants to show off his knowlege of Traffic, he can answer this question: Which Traffic album is Can't Find My Way Home on?

Loose Lyrics: Dan says the second line of that chorus is "while you're living beyond all your means," which sounds right. To be honest, I completely spaced on that line, and just made up words with about the right number of syllables and with an approximate rhyme at the end.

Posted by: Ace at 08:37 PM | Comments (24)
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This parody plays off the article Hoax Call to McDonald's Results in Forced Nudity and Forced Sodomy.

As you can imagine, there's a Strong Content Warning. more...

Posted by: Ace at 03:50 PM | Comments (21)
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Dude, you're fat, balding, and the hippest thing you've done in 40 years is have a pelvic exam. You're 50+, not 18; it's time to start acting like it.

What changed in the US with hurricane Katrina was a feeling that we have entered a period of consequences and that bitter cup will be offered to us again and again until we exert our moral authority and respond appropriately," he says. "I don't want to diminish the threat of terrorism at all, it is extremely serious, but on a long-term global basis, global warming is the most serious problem we are facing."

... he said as he diminished the threat of terrorism.

Almost as if to confirm his claims, three high-pressure systems caused by global warming strapped shrapnel-studded bombs to their bellies and detonated themselves in an Israeli nightclub, just before the classic "I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine" line from One Night In Bangkok.

I question the timing. Because, you know, it's a really cool lyric.

Posted by: Ace at 03:43 PM | Comments (29)
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Catch it at rightalk.com.

So, yeah, Peter Schweizer cancelled without giving much of a reason. The perils of being a minor webcast talk show host-- when you get that call to do ten minutes on Kalamazoo Talks Back!, how can you say no?

866-884-TALK is the number you want to call.

Tom Lipscomb will be talking about the Episcopal Church heirarchy's radical, secular agenda, and Hoke will discuss "the cool mom" who had sex with her son's friends.

Kinda eclectic, I guess.

Posted by: Ace at 11:49 AM | Comments (119)
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