A Paris Hilton Christmas shrine. There's a reason for the season, and that reason is vapid, distasteful billionaire whores.

And:

The Holy Cross appears... inside a potato!

And you know it's a legitimate miracle, because the website announces:

This is NOT a Hoax!
This is a true miracle!

And futhermore, it must be real, because it will be auctioned on eBay!

In related news, I have a fungal growth beneath a dead toenail which looks almost exactly like St. Francis of Assisi robbing a liquor store. Which, of course, I'll also be auctioning off on eBay.

I'm scheduling the toenailectomy for Three Kings Day for maximum solemnity/synergy.

Thanks for the "Holy Potato" to Armchair in Sin.

Posted by: Ace at 09:05 AM | Comments (13)
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Lost In Translation Sarcasm Update: A reader, Andy, who seems to sprechen de German, says this article is sarcastic, the writer is actually pro-Israel and writes often about German anti-semitism, so he's making a Swiftian sort of Modest Proposal. Obviously, this, ahem, changes my opinion about this piece.

I don't know why I'm acting this way. I don't read German for a living.

Article follows past the jump. I'm keeping my error up, the way I'm told I'm supposed to, but past the jump, because if this is sarcastic, the article itself doesn't seem very newsworthy. Except perhaps to show that Germans, contrary to rumor, can exhibit a sense of humor from time to time.

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Posted by: Ace at 07:38 PM | Comments (31)
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Apparently it's Bizarro World Day at the UK Guardian, which publishes this very-hopeful article about Iraq:

Despite threatening to block previous votes, this time the Jordanian militant, believed to be responsible for most of the suicide bombings in Iraq, has been silent. "He's changed his strategy because he has discovered how confident and determined we are to vote," Azhar Abdel Majeed al-Samarrai, a leading candidate for the Iraqi Consensus Front, an alliance of the main Sunni parties, told the Guardian yesterday.

...

But the clear desire of many Sunnis to vote next week has changed the dynamic within the insurgency. "Zarqawi is in a dilemma because many Sunnis want to vote," a senior western political official said this week. The same dilemma confronts Iraq's homegrown insurgents, who rely mainly on the Sunni population for support and recruits.

A Sunni cleric from the influential Association of Muslim Scholars told worshippers at Baghdad's Umm al-Qura mosque yesterday it was a "religious duty" to vote next week. "The date of December 15 is a landmark event. It is a decisive battle that will determine our future. If you give your vote to the wrong people, then the occupation will continue and the country would be lost," he said.

A crucial moment in the campaign for Sunni votes was the recent murder of Sheikh Ayad al-Izzi, a cleric and engineer who was a leading member of the Iraqi Islamic party and a candidate for the Iraqi Consensus Front. He had just left a campaign rally in Falluja on November 28 when gunmen drove past his car and killed him and two colleagues. A huge crowd came to his funeral last week.

"I think Zarqawi will become smaller and smaller, especially after we lost this man from our list," Azhar Abdel Majeed al-Samarrai said yesterday. Perhaps under pressure of mounting Sunni anger, al-Qaida in Iraq took no responsibility for the murder and even put out a statement denouncing it.

And Speaking of Voting... Don't let al-Zarqawi scare you off of voting for Ace.

Think of the kittens.

Posted by: Ace at 04:15 PM | Comments (5)
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Sexual dhimmitude Down Under:

THE eldest of four Pakistani gang rapist brothers has admitted lying at trial and apologised to his victims but said he thought he had a right to rape the "promiscuous" teenage girls.

MSK, 27, told the NSW Supreme Court yesterday that this was because the girls did not wear headscarves, were drinking alcohol and were unaccompanied when they went to his Ashfield home. MSK also blamed his intoxication, "cultural beliefs" and an undiagnosed mental disorder.

You're not going to believe this. Remember, he gets arrogant in the middle of apologizing the girl child he'd raped:

During a long apology to TW, who was in court, he stopped mid-sentence to reprimand her.

"I wish to say this to [TW], that at the time when I commit these offences I come from such a background which led me to - don't shake your head, I'm telling you something - I say now that I hurt you and I'm extremely, extremely apologetic to you and I'm, I wish to say one thing more.

"I'm serving 22 years Â… I'm just requesting to you that you one day may come that you realise that the person who assaulted me is in prison Â… and I should forgive him. I'm asking for your forgiveness." He said it was only now, since he had gained a "better understanding of Australian culture", that he knew the rapes were wrong.

In fairness, Australia is a strange country with odd beliefs, like "you shouldn't rape children just because they're walking unescorted."

He arrived in Sydney for the ninth and final time four days before committing several rapes over six months. He had planned to study medicine.

Yeah.

Now, yes, as a general matter, I'm against prison rape, and I think we have an obligation to stop it.

There are exceptions, of course. I'm hoping that this fine young cannibal runs into some like-minded, but larger, inmates who also believe they have the right to rape those they don't cotton to.

And, of course, as his new friends begin explaining to him what services he'll be providing for the next 22 years, one can say, "Don't shake your head, I'm telling you something."

Paul Hogan's Revenge Update: Zetetic indulges in a caged-heat fantasy--

Number one on the list of things I hope MSK, 27, hears on a daily basis in the prison shower:

"That's not a penis. THAT's a penis."

And that fellow inmate? You guessed it: Dick Cheney.

Posted by: Ace at 02:14 PM | Comments (22)
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Known by the delightful sobriquet "The Butcher." Which tells you his turn-ons were not sunsets, long walks on the beach, and women with their legs in an "M of receptivity."

Amir Khalaf Fanus was No. 3 on the 28th Infantry Division's High Value Individual list for Ramadi, wanted for murder and kidnapping in connection with his affiliation with Al Qaeda in Iraq.

"He is the highest ranking Al Qaeda in Iraq member to be turned into Iraqi and U.S. officials by local citizens," Capt. Jeffrey S. Pool said in a statement...

According to Pool, Iraqi and U.S. Forces "have witnessed increasing signs of citizens fighting the terrorists within Ramadi as the Dec. 15 National Elections draw nearer."

Gee, I sure hope no one uses any coercive interrogation techniques on "The Butcher." That would be gob-smackingly vile.

Posted by: Ace at 01:49 PM | Comments (10)
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I guess his friends were right to worry.

Michael Jackson has suffered an overdose from drugs and alcohol and is said to be in a critical condition in Bahrain.

...

Now The National Enquirer has learned exclusively that Santa Barbara police were told by family insiders that Jackson "recently OD'd on Demerol and Jack Daniels" in Bahrain.

Update: Denied by Jacko's flackos.

Hmmmm... On one hand, the National Enquirer. On the other hand, Michael Jackson's PR flacks.

That's what you call a Hobson's Choice.

Thanks to Steve for the update.

Posted by: Ace at 01:20 PM | Comments (31)
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No, not for them to use, perish the thought. As if they need them. You don't need a remote control to just leave the TV on the Lifetime channel all damn day. How many different ways can Meredith Baxter-Birney be abused/stalked/abducted by a cruel ex-husband, anyway?

No, this remote control is for controlling women.

Now some chick is going to say, "Hah hah, now we'll have to come up with a male remote control."

The sad thing is you already have one. And you know it.

Thanks to Armchair in Sin.

Posted by: Ace at 01:11 PM | Comments (40)
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Kelsey Grammer looks good. So does Angel. Although I still don't understand the concept of a superhero whose one big power is flight. Who the hell can't fly?

Usually we expect our superheroes, as Chris Klein expects of his ladyfriends, to bring something to the table.

Thanks to Temple of Jennifer, who has some links of such bawdiness I dare not even name them. It's a double-standard, I tell ya: when she does it, it's cute. If I linked that stuff, I'd just be a nasty old perv. Aqualung himself would shake his head at me and mutter, "Utterly tasteless."

Posted by: Ace at 01:01 PM | Comments (28)
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(Skip down to "What it Takes:") Atrios definitely sprechens de Ace when he writes this:

"To have a very high traffic blog a necessary condition is that you post consistently a lot. It means that great writers who take a lot of time to craft their prose are unlikely to have a high traffic blog. That is not unfair or wrong or anything, that's just not how you generate consistently high traffic. If you are a tremendous writer who spends lots of time crafting your prose, blogging is perhaps not the best medium for you except as a useful tool for self promotion if your goal is high daily readership."

Pretty much my observation, actually. The reason I don't do longer pieces -- and I always put off poetry contest results and the like -- is that there is always an urgent need to have fresh posts up. Even if they're crap.

And, of course, I'm lazy. And only marginally talented.

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Posted by: Ace at 11:33 AM | Comments (18)
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Norm Podhoertz's new Commentary article compares the "sunshine patriots" of the Revolutionary War to today's defeatist Democrats and finds...

To put it in the simplest and starkest terms: in that early stage of the Revolutionary War, there was sound reason to fear that the British would succeed in routing Washington’s forces. In Iraq today, however, and in the Middle East as a whole, a successful outcome is staring us in the face. Clearly, then, the panic over Iraq—which expresses itself in increasingly frenzied calls for the withdrawal of our forces—cannot have been caused by the prospect of defeat. On the contrary, my twofold guess is that the real fear behind it is not that we are losing but that we are winning, and that what has catalyzed this fear into a genuine panic is the realization that the chances of pulling off the proverbial feat of snatching an American defeat from the jaws of victory are rapidly running out.

As I was just saying:

Their careers, political and media, depend upon an American defeat in Iraq. They cannot hope for an actual Al Qaeda military victory; that's simply an impossibility. They need Bush to concede defeat in the jaws of victory, and to do that, they need to convince the American public that a war moving towards full victory is actually doomed to certain defeat.

They need this. They cannot recapture power without it. And if convincing the American people to save their asses by forcing Bush to surrender requires them lying about white phosphorus, "propaganda" in Iraqi newspapers, and the like, they'll do so, gladly.

Much like the Goateed Evil Twins of the Founding Fathers, who knew they were risking hanging for treason by signing the Declaration of Independence, they have put too much on the line to choose any other path at this point.

America must lose for them to win. And if Al Qaeda can't, and the American military won't, help them in securing an American defeat, they'll just have to find another way.

Ace of Spades HQ: Tomorrow's professional punditry today, except much more slapdash and moronic!

And remember: Dick Cheney commands you to vote for me. He does that Dracula-trick where his face falls into shadow except for a slash of light across his hypnotic eyes. Except, of course, the light illuminates his hypnotic wiener.

Posted by: Ace at 11:14 AM | Comments (9)
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