I may have linked this before, but it sure is funny to see Batman and the Joker go on and on about big "boners."

Poor Joker. They "chortle" at his "boner." I'd be pretty steamed, too.

And apparently it's not a photoshop. It's just, you know, "boner" had a different meaning back in a more innocent time. It meant "three-toothed gutter-meat hobo-whore."

Found here, in a post about one man's quest to track down "Boner" from Growing Pains. We all have a life's mission, I guess.

Thanks to Lord Floppington.

Posted by: Ace at 01:32 PM | Comments (16)
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"I don't know how to quit you," she sobs

Okay, this is almost certainly a hoax, but it's goofy enough that we can pretend it's real for the moment.

An unusual wedding ceremony was held in the southern resort town of Eilat on Wednesday, as Sharon Tendler, a 41-years-old Jewish millionaire from London married her beloved Cindy, a 35-years-old dolphin, Israel's leading newspaper Yedioth Ahronoth reported Thursday.

The groom, a resident of the Eilat dolphin reef, met Tendler 15 years ago, when she first visited the resort. The British rock concert producer took a liking to the dolphin and has made a habit of traveling to Eilat two or three times a year and spending time with her underwater sweetheart.

"The peace and tranquility underwater, and his love, would calm me down," the excited bride said after the wedding.

...

Cindy, escorted by his fellow best-men dolphins, swam over to Tendler and she hugged him, whispered sweet nothings in his ear, and kissed him in front of the cheering crowd.

After the ceremony was sealed with some mackerels, Tendler was tossed into the water by her friends so that she could swim with her new husband.

"I'm the happiest girl on earth," the bride said as she chocked back tears of emotion. "I made a dream come true, and I am not a pervert," she stressed.

Of course you're not. You're just marrying Flipper. Nothing weird about that.

Except that it's a female dolphin. Sickie.

Now, here's where it pretty much screams "hoax," if you weren't already suspicious:

Tendler said she and her newly wed husband will probably spend their wedding night bowling.

Thanks to utron.

Posted by: Ace at 12:33 PM | Comments (18)
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The police say it has nothing to do with terrorism. Which is, of course, pretty likely. It's not as if criminals have no need of explosives.

Posted by: Ace at 12:21 PM | Comments (7)
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When I say "suspected," I just mean that I suspect he's a DU'er:

Lower Paxton Twp. police said that when they arrived to investigate the disturbance, they found [Curtis] Lofton standing stark naked in the snow.

Lofton was charged with aggravated assault involving a police officer, resisting arrest, open lewdness, possession of a small amount of marijuana, possession of drug paraphernalia and unlawful possession of the prescription drug oxycodone.

According to court papers, when Lofton was asked if he was okay, he responded, "No, I am ... crazy, and I need a menthol cigarette."

He gets to the point without a lot of excess verbiage. 1, I'm a lunatic, 2, I really need a Kool. Logorrhea is not among his afflictions.

When asked where he lived and why he was naked, Lofton is alleged to have said that he was "Jesus Christ" and that the officer must be "God," court papers say.

A scuffle broke out between the two men during which Lofton is alleged to have hit the officer over the head with a long plastic toy trumpet which he scooped up from nearby.

The officer used his pepper spray on Lofton, at first to no avail. Then a cursing Lofton advised the officer that "'Jesus' is now blind," court papers say.

Just when you don't think he could get any crazier, he starts bonking cops over the head with a plastic trumpet. Always end on a high note.

Posted by: Ace at 12:03 PM | Comments (12)
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By Allah:

Ghada Jamshir: "Does the Islamic Shari'a authorize mut'ah marriages? Does the Islamic Shari'a authorize mut'ah according to the following classification: 'Pleasure from sexual contact with her thighs.' They have: 'Pleasure from sexual touching,' 'pleasure from sexual contact with her breasts.' 'Pleasure from a little girl.' Do you know what 'pleasure from a little girl' means? It means that they derive sexual pleasure from a girl aged two, three, or four."

Interviewer: "Let's not go into details..."

Ghada Jamshir: "Let me tell you what 'pleasure from sexual contact with her thighs' means..."

Interviewer: "Don't give me the details..."

Ghada Jamshir: "This is a violation of children's rights! This constitutes sexual assault of the girl. What does 'pleasure from sexual contact with her thighs' mean? It means deriving sexual pleasure from an infant. How old is an infant? One year, a year and a half, a few months?

"Is it conceivable for a grown man to have sex with an infant girl? And you people tell me that the Islamic Shari'a authorizes this? Forget about the mut'ah. Let's talk about misyar. What do misyar marriages mean? You said that I'm a Sunni and that's why I'm attacking the Shiites. No!"

Interviewer: "Some people claim that."

Ghada Jamshir: "No, no. What does the misyar marriage mean? A man marries a woman from another town, and goes to her once a month. He 'visits' her. He calls her his 'wife.'"

Interviewer: "Not necessarily once a month. He might go there every day."

Ghada Jamshir: "Brother Turki, this kind of marriage, this kind of behavior, diminishes the woman's honor as a human being."

[...]

"All her life, the woman is a prisoner in her own home. In the past, she would not go out to work, or to study abroad. Very few women would go to university outside Bahrain. She is at home in order to cook, sweep, and raise the children. How will she get an education? There are women whose families are extremist. They even force them to marry against their will.

"You tell me, why is female circumcision still practiced in the Arab world? Why? Because there is no education, no awareness. A few days ago, a four-year-old girl called An'am died in Sudan."

Interviewer: "Why?"

Ghada Jamshir: "Because she had been circumcised. Four years old, and she died of blood poisoning."

At the end, the interviewer brings up the fact that she's (obviously) been accused of heresy, and she basically says she doesn't give a wet shit.

I'm not a Freudian. Or at least I wasn't. I probably don't believe in the particulars of his theories (I don't know what they are, except that he thinks that pooping affects your psychological make-up), but I am starting to believe that sex is the motivation for 90% of the goofy, bizarre, and cruel things humans do.

Why don't more feminists support women like this, and women generally in the Islamic world? I know Jay Leno's wife, a liberal feminist, was a pretty big advocate for women in Afghanistan; I just wish there were more like her.

Why do we only hear about this woman from MEMRI? Why doesn't Katie Freaking Couric interview her on the Today Show?

It's the liberation of women that hardline psychosexual-dysfunctional Islamist men fear the most. And it may end up being that Islamic women wind up bringing the mullahs to bear.

And then, a hundred years from now, they'll screw everything up, like they've done in America. But let's just kick that particular can down the road and deal with it later.

Related: In France, a Muslim girl has broke her silence about the repeated gang-rapes she was subjected to and has written a book about it.

Posted by: Ace at 11:38 AM | Comments (56)
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Lieblings Herren und Frauen,

Guten Tag.

I would like to apply for a grant in the amount of 1.2 million Euros to create "edgy," politically-themed art about America, the European Union, and the War on Terror.

I have no artistic abilities whatsoever, but that doesn't seem to be disqualifier for you guys. I can do some photoshopping, or, more likely, outsource such work to Allah or Slublog. (Please don't tell them I'm being paid 1.2 million Euros. I plan to pay them in bite-sized Twix bars and old issues of Guns & Ammo.)

My "concepts" for the campaign are not fully fleshed out, but here are some ideas.

1) A photoshopped depiction of George Bush on a rearing bronco, lassoing a group of terrified brown-skinned people. The brown skinned people will be labled, as in an editorial cartoon, "Our Precious Civil Liberties." That way the picture works on two levels, even though, quite frankly, one of those levels doesn't even make much sense.

George Bush will also be naked. You guys seem to like that.

2) A photoshop of Tony Blair put into a the famous Hugh Grant/hooker picture. But here's the brilliant twist-- Tony Blair will be playing the role of the hooker. His head will be ducked down beneath the dashboard so you can't actually see him, but again, an editorial caption will point to him and say "Tony Blair, Prostitute."

Oh, and Hugh Grant will be replaced by George Bush.

This may seem a little confusing but, hey, you've got Tony Blair going down on George Bush, which seems to be right up your alley.

George Bush will also be naked, again. The license plate on the car will read "The Fascist Emperor Has No Clothes." I'm not sure how to fit that on a license plate, but I'm sure Slublog can figure it out.

3) A parody of the pro-life lobby's "Chose Life" campaign. The billboard will have the words "CHOOSE DEATH" in dripping bloody letters, and the visual will be of an aborted fetus. The fetus will be photoshopped to look like a brown-skinned man between the ages of 25 and 40.

He will also be naked. Not really a political point made with the nudity there; it's just that fetuses don't wear clothes.

4) A photoshop of Keira Knightly going down on Kate Winslet. This is more a personal interest than a political statement. Though, if you're going to be sticklers about it, I can have body-paint on Keira Knightly reading "Bush's Foreign Policy" and body paint on Kate Winslet reading "The Military-Petroleum Complex."

Both will definitely be naked.

If this seems a little over-the-line, I can just have them pillow fighting or, maybe, comparing breast sizes. But I will not compromise my artistic vision any further.

5) A "conceptual mass-guerilla performance art" sort of display, in which I give out baseball caps to European citizens with slogans like "I Really Do Matter" and "Europe: The Fifth Most Important Continent On Earth," in order to boost support Europeans' self-esteem. I've seen them give out similar esteem-boosting baseball caps to retards, and the retards seem to just love them. Sometimes they try to eat the hats, but most of the time they wear them proudly (until they try to eat them).

I'm pretty sure that no more than 30% of European citizens will try to eat the hats, so I really think this one could be a winner.

I hope you give my edgy, controversial, authority-challenging ideas the due consideration they deserve. And I hope I can count on that 1.2 million Euro check in the near future, because I really want to get a widescreen LCD HDTV. And also, some live-in whores.

Thank you very much.

Auf widersehen,

Ace of Spades

Posted by: Ace at 10:44 AM | Comments (34)
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Mild Content Warning.

It's not just the stupid menage-a-trois with Bush, Chirac, and the Queen.

Another part of the campaign features the American flag used as a, wait for it, burka. Which is both idiotic and disrespectful to the flag.

I don't get these artists. If they're so creative and talented, why do they just keep using shock-jock style "humor" that a 13-year-old would find a little beneath him?

I'm not offended by the sexual content; I'm more offended by the stupidity of it. You get a million Euro grant and the best you can come up with is a three-way involving politicians?

Artists are big on subtlety. That's why they deliberately made Brokeback Mountain so stultifyingly boring that even straight men were saying to themselves, "Just eff him already! Just so there's something happening in this stupid movie!" That's the genius of Brokeback Mountain -- so tedious and slow that heterosexuals begin asking, "Please, let's just get to the gay sex, okay?"

And yet when it comes to politics, they're about as subtle as sledgehammer to the small of the back.

The last pic on Dan's site is, well, pretty effective, I must say. Sort of makes me hope this whole European Union thing works out.

Posted by: Ace at 10:13 AM | Comments (9)
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NOT SAFE FOR WORK AUDIO.

I've posted this a long, long time ago, but it's the end of the year... a time for nostalgia, right?

Thanks to C.

Posted by: Ace at 10:07 AM | Comments (3)
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Knock me over with a feather:

[The] research found that men value the net for the freedom it gives them to try new ways of doing things.

You think they're going to mention porn, don't you? Well, they don't. It's never brought up. What a sham.

By contrast women like the opportunities the net gives them to make and maintain human connections.

They're not going to mention cyber, either.

Men tend to be first to try out new net technologies and 68% of the men questioned are the administrator of a household's computer compared to 45% of women.

You can't make a woman the administrator of the computer, 'cause she'll blow the whole thing up. Or, worse yet, find your "secret special folders."

The Pew report also found that men are more likely to use the net to get at all kinds of information about sports results, weather, news, job offers and consumer ratings for goods and services.

Yep... we spend our time on the Internet looking for "sports results," vigorous physical contests, wink-wink, nudge-nudge.

A woman's use of the net is more likely to involve greater use of e-mail as well as searches for health and medical information, map directions and religious material.

When gathering information women tended to prefer to use e-mail exchanges with individuals and support groups.

Women also tended to use e-mail to communicate with friends and family, to keep in touch and to maintain social ties. By contrast men tended to use e-mail as a way to maintain links with organisations rather than individuals.

Fun aside, I'm going to call BS on this whole "survey." I hate to sound like Neal Gabler, but it seems Pew came up with few real differences between men and women (except for porn, which they don't mention), and so they've made the most of small differences in usage and have deemed them "striking."

They're putting women into the "nuturer looking to maintain connections, and all worried about health issues and 'news you can use'" narrative that's kind of true but also overstated, while putting men into the "abstract but practical thinkers" category, which is also kind of true but overstated.

Women use the internet to get maps more than men do? By what differential? Again, with the survey showing not much difference at all, they fall back on the stereotype of women asking for directions and men relying on geomantic electrosense to guide them to parts unknown. I use maps all the time. Google maps is the best, true dat, double true!

Men were also more likely to use the net for recreation and to listen to music, gather information for hobbies and take part in online fantasy sports leagues.

Wow. Men are more likely to take part in online fantasy sports leagues? What would we have done without this study?

How about this for an overreaching, overblown concluding thought:

"We may soon look back on it as a charming, even quaint moment, when men reached for the farthest corners of the internet, trying and experimenting with whatever came along, and when women held the internet closer and tried to keep it a bit more under control."

Here's my concluding thought:

Pew spent a lot of money and manhours doing 6000 interviews with people, found few major differences between men and women's internet usage (except for porn, which they don't mention, and of course online videogames and fantasy sports leagues), but are hellbent to recover something from this big database o' nothing at all.

Thanks to Allah.

Never Trust The BBC! Update: The BBC edited out what I imagine is the greatest difference in male/female internet usage-- porn --but CNN, bless their hearts, didn't:

Internet users share many common interests, but men are heavier consumers of news, stocks, sports and pornography, while more women look for health and religious guidance, a broad survey of U.S. Web usage has found.

What the hell kind of news outfit is the BBC, anyhow? How does something like that -- the main difference here, which of course we all already know -- get edited out? For what reason? I know that such things don't offend their conservative religious values. So what sort of weird need to bowlderize prompted that?

Thanks to Slublog for pointing that out.

Posted by: Ace at 09:54 AM | Comments (16)
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Almost certainly another stalling tactic, but...

In what may herald a sharp reversal of previous statements, a senior Iranian official said Wednesday that Iran would "seriously and enthusiastically" study a Russian proposal aimed at breaking the deadlock on efforts to block Iran from enriching nuclear fuel.

The official, Javad Vaeedi, deputy head of the Supreme National Security Council, was referring to a proposal made by Russia several weeks ago under which Iranian-produced uranium gas would be processed into fuel in Russia and returned to Iran.

The circuitous route would ensure that Iran would be able to produce fuel only for nuclear power, and could not enrich the uranium into a form that could be used in weapons. It would also slow Iran's ability to obtain enrichment technology.

Posted by: Ace at 11:19 PM | Comments (11)
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