Outstanding parody and/or verbatim transcript (who can tell?) of Chris Matthews and Andrea Mitchell swooning over Barack Obama:

Mitchell
Well, Chris, as I'm sure you've heard, there's been quite a bit of talk about Barbara Boxer today.

Matthews
There sure has.

Mitchell
Well, take a look at this.

(Clip of Barbara Boxer looking at Barack Obama as he's speaking)

Mitchell
Now, Chris, we've both been in Washington long enough to be able to read that look. It's obvious that she's thinking "Wow, this man, Barack Obama, is really amazing. I've been in the Senate a long time, and I've seen people come and go, but this is certainly one of the most impressive people I have seen, not only in my time in the Senate, but in my life."

Matthews
Isn't it amazing how some people can be so expressive without saying a word?

Mitchell
It certainly is. And take a look at this.

(Shot of Chuck Hagel straightening up some loose papers)

Mitchell
Now, here we have Senator Chuck Hagel, who is obviously thinking, "Barack Obama is such an amazing orator and outstanding statesman, that I'd better do everything I can to look my best when I'm up here with him, including making sure that everything around me is as tidy as it can be."

In related news, John McCain is planning a major speech to win back the love of the liberal media, tentatively titled, "Ronald Reagan: 40th President or #1 Douchebag?"

Good stuff, Wuzzadem.

One of these days I really have to start being funny again. I really do.

Posted by: Ace at 09:43 PM | Comments (4)
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An old CBC news report explains this new phenomenon called "INTERNET," and how people need just a phone and a modem to "log in" and start writing in "emoticons."

Pretty funny.

Posted by: Ace at 09:18 PM | Comments (3)
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WHERE THE FUCK IS MY EVIAN??!!

WHO THE FUCK HIRED YOU?!! NOT ONLY ARE YOU FIRED, BUT THE INCOMPETENT MEDIOCRE-TALENT WHO HIRED YOU IS SHITCANNED, TOO!

AND WHO THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET SOME POWDER ON MY BALD SPOT?!!!

Yeah, I know there's no camera. Did you ever see the commercials on TV? I want to have that feeling of "confidence" that comes with a full, lush head of hair.

And didn't I fuckn' fire you already? No? You're someone else? Well, you're fired too. I specifically sent telepathic messages that I didn't want any civilians in my eyeline. And you just violated the three-second rule, pal.

Have a nice life. You'll never work in the high-paying glamorous world of blogging again, Chief.

My Psychological Actual State: Scared shitless.

I feel like I did in seventh grade when we were assigned to do verbal, before-the-class reports on the various systems of the human body, and after praying desperately for ten minutes "Not the reproductive system... not the reproductive system," damnit, I got assigned the goddamned human reproductive system.

There are two kinds of kids. The first kind would say, "Oooh, snap!, I'm gonna have some fun with that shit!"

The second kind of kid begins having full-body conniptions at the thought of having to say "testes" and "pundendum" in front of his peers.

And in front of hand-made charts and diagrams, which, of course, Mom would have to help out with.

I was the second kid.

I pleaded with my teacher to let me do another system. Eventually, he relented. I got to do the digestive system.

I deliberately spent far too long discussing how saliva digests starches in the mouth so that my allotted time ran out before I got anywhere near the duodenum or, worse yet, the rectum.

What happens to food once it passes the pyloric valve? Who knows. Not any of my business. And none of yours, either.

Life is a mystery. Poop especially so.

On Hold... And they've got me on tape-delay. And warned three times about the f-word.

Hah! I'm the bad-boy of blogging.

They Can't Hear Me... KZSU has three days to straighten this loose shit out.

See-Dubya-- Do you like your job?

Posted by: Ace at 03:01 PM | Comments (234)
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Yeahp, everyone's into the conversation that never really goes away over at Michele's.

Allah Pundit's comment (linked by Michele in an update) really stirs things up.

Which raises another question:

Do women want a guy to say what they want to hear, or do they prefer Allah's here's-the-truth-and-damn-the-consequences approach?

I suspect the former, most of the time. But I have little doubt that Allah just earned himself a lot of Bad Boy points, too.

Posted by: Ace at 01:30 PM | Comments (49)
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Don't take a contrary position to the New York Times, boys. They get a little snippy.

The Times article speculates, without evidence, that the ItM bloggers are CIA plants.

Let's say, hypothetically, that's true.

Didn't the Times kinda-sorta scold the Bush Administration for outing a (so-called) "undercover CIA agent" working in dangerous and mysterious Arlington, Virginia?

Shouldn't they have approximately the same protectiveness for supposed CIA agents operating in Baghdad?

Posted by: Ace at 01:17 PM | Comments (6)
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He didn't report his $1 million winnings from the show, nor hundreds of thousands in later payments for personal appearances and such.

Clever. I mean, what are the odds that anyone working in the IRS even heard of Survivor?

You know when your grandma gives you $50 and you don't report it as a gift to the IRS? Same thing, really. Not like anyone's going to come looking.

Posted by: Ace at 12:44 PM | Comments (5)
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Yeah, Brit Hume interviewed him, but will he be on KZSU tonight? I think not.

Pull on Superman's Cape has a high-bandwidth video capture of the interview.

Posted by: Ace at 12:16 PM | Add Comment
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Okay, Katie Couric's not involved, but you know they've talked to "her people."

The women's magazine has a special feature about dieting advice... for suicide bombers.

Tim Blair thinks that an explosive belt beats Atkins all to hell. I haven't tried it yet, but I hear good things.

On one hand, your internal organs are vaporized into a greenish-yellow mist.

On the other hand, you get to eat frigging french fries again.

Thanks to NickS.

Posted by: Ace at 12:14 PM | Comments (1)
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Okay, first up: I apologize that the site went down today. It just keeps happening. It's possible we were under spam-attack again.

Next: I'm so grateful to Mike from Red State for selecting me to be a fully-credentialed media-guy at the CPAC conference in mid-February. Whoo-hoo!

It may be difficult to work around my judge-imposed order to remain at least 500 feet away from Ann Coulter, but hopefully they relax so-called "temporary restraining orders" at these things. Otherwise, it's going to be pretty difficult to move around the joint.

Finally, I've agreed to appear on a Standford University radio show called "Shark Tank" tonight at eight EST (five on the Pacific coast, which is, frankly, the only place you can hear it... in fact, you can only probably hear it within an eight block radius of the radio mast).

The host is trying to fill up empty air, quite frankly, and he'd like you to send along any questions you might have to kzsushark@yahoo.com, because God knows he and I won't have anything to talk about otherwise. If you're somewhere in SoCal, you can listen in to KZSU (I'm still waiting to hear where it is on the dial).

It's going to be fun but nerve-wracking. I have no book to promote, nothing of particular interest to say (as long-time readers can attest), nothing especially I need to get off my chest. I'm tapped, dried up, empty, spent. I figure we'll talk about the Patriots game for five or six minutes and then maybe my extensive collection of pre-Powers of the Force Star Wars action figures.

But I'm told I should be "political" and "funny." Well, I guess we'll have to see.

Personally, I expect disaster, as I usually do (and, alas, I'm usually right about it). So, for those of you who enjoy slowing down at bus-collisions, it might be worth your time.

Update: It's on 90.1 FM in the Palo Alto area.

But it's also... oh, God... available as an RM stream everywhere, at the Stanford station homepage, which means that it's possible that more than eight people will be listening.

Not good. Not good at all.

Remember: Always judge on a curve. This is my first time doing this, and, let's be honest, I'm a retard anyway.

Also bear in mind that so-called "dead air" is not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it's used deliberately to achieve an effect, like a dramatic pause. Or something.

Update II: Jeff Goldstein bets $20 that I sound like Wally Cox. I take that as an insult, although I don't think I've ever actually heard him. Read a kick-ass kid's book co-written by him, though, about a cat who could read minds.

I hope to hell I don't sound like Wally Cox. I've always fancied myself as having a more Hasselhovian timbre to my voice.

But you'll have to be the judge, I guess.

Posted by: Ace at 11:19 AM | Comments (55)
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Well, I had feared that Mr. Paul Anka's guest appearance on Las Vegas would be an embarassing cameo that sullied his reputation for substance on conscious. I'm happy to say I couldn't have been more wrong.

Mr. Paul Anka played, fittingly enough, Mr. Paul Anka, The Only Important Character on That Show. He showed his acting chops as he helped promote a new burger being offered by the casino -- a sign read "Mystique Reinvents the Burger," which sounds like wonderful news to me. A bandleader called Gunther, who I must assume is a highly fictionalized version of Vinny Falcone, provided some delightful comic relief.

Mr. Paul Anka sang a witty and wry re-working of She's Havin' My Baby:

Havin' my burger
What a lovely way of dressin' up a ground-beef pat-ty
Havin' my burger
One bite one taste and I'm certainly feelin' so hap-py

They didn't fry it
Or make it slo-o-o-ow
They grilled up that meat
with goodness sweet
And cooked it just so

Havin' my burger...
What a lovely way to dress up a ground-beef patty...

Spellbinding.

I am pleased to report that Gunther showed no loose shit with the cut-offs, as the song ended impeccably. I assume he was watching Mr. Paul Anka, Mr. Paul Anka's arms, the instruments and the landing strip, all simultaneously, and with character and heart besides.

For any who saw it, can there be any doubt that Mr. Paul Anka is back?

I think not.

Posted by: Ace at 11:00 AM | Comments (4)
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