You miss Ace. I know. But let's not get all broken up about it.

Posted by: Hoke at 06:22 AM | Comments (15)
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Well, it's not the pure hoax those in the dextrosphere speculated it might be.

Neither, however, was it "distributed by party leaders."

It seems to have been written by aid to Senator Mel Martinez (R (damnit) - Florida), who apparently was hired as part of a Give a Retard a Job program.

They ought to be praising Martinez for his devotion to the mentally challenged.

The New York Times has the story; but then again, so does Little Green Footballs. Who ya wanna give traffic to?

Thanks to Ron... sort of. I'm going to call you "Buzzkill Ron," if you don't mind.

I like people who bring me happy news.

Not people like "Buzzkill Ron."

Posted by: Hoke at 09:41 PM | Comments (20)
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An absolutely savage rip into Sandy Berger and his ludicrous lies.

Via Instapundit. I can only say: Read the Whole Thing.

Posted by: Hoke at 12:52 PM | Comments (14)
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And they say they're going to use it for video games.

Uh-huh.

No kidding, I read a very persuasive piece that claimed that virtually all new communications technology -- from the printing press to photography to film to the VCR tape to the new craze known as INTERNET -- broke through to become the new standard only after first being primarily utilized... for pornography.

Hadcore Pornography -- History's, err, Handmaiden for Technological Advancement.

The Sins (who has the link) made the same point, basically... but come on! I thought of it independently. It's just... obvious.

When I think about a gadget that can pipe physical sensations directly into my brain, trust me, I'm not thinking "Shit! That would make the snowboarding in SSX3 like sooooooo much more radical!"

And the guy who invented this widget wasn't thinking that, either. Neither was the guy who wrote the article in which he pretends to believe him. Or even Santa Claus' top Elf Vice President in Charge of Video-Game Delivery.

'Sides-- it's all bullshit anyway. Everyone knows that to convincingly mimic a false smell to the human nose you need the omnichemical called "the Neutral Scent."

(Just tossing that reference out there for you supergeeks.)

Edited: Commenters reminded me about obvious other examples, like photography, film, and of course INTERNET.

Another commenter suggested this might be a spoof based on a previous April Fool's article in The New Scientist. I didn't think about the hoax angle, although I do think the article is bullshit. Most of these new-technology stories are.

I'm still waiting to fill up my car with gasoline made from turkey-necks, for example.

References Update: Ultron recalls Dennis Miller's prescient warning: "The day a working-class Joe can sit back in his barcalounger and have virtual sex with Claudia Schiffer is the day our country experiences an epidemic that will make crack look like Sanka."

Gail enthuses, "SOMEONE HAS INVENTED THE ORGASMATRON!!!"

And yet-- still no one indicates they know what the hell I'm talking about regarding the "Neutral Scent."

Either this is so obvious no one feels the need to even identify the reference, or else you guys just aren't the geeks I thought you were.

Of all people, bbeck should be all over that one.

Posted by: Hoke at 12:39 PM | Comments (15)
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Bumped, just to give fair warning.

RockNClothing is re-activating the ordering page. Once again, they want a minimum of 20 shirts to do another print; if we're ballpark, Ace will suck it up and buy the necessary number of shirts to make 20.

If we don't get anywhere near the ballpark, your credit card won't be charged but you also won't get a shirt.

(Click on the pic to order.)

By the way... these shirts didn't sell very well. Ace is curious... but he's not here, so be honest. What was the problem? Just too pricey? Just not really wanted?

One friend suggested that the logo was too small and too "corporate," and really ought to have been bigger, in the center of the shirt.

Some people liked the old death-card better... and some think the new one is just pure ass. I like it, but others don't.

Anyway, just wondering. Once Ace has recovered from this debacle, he may try again, maybe six months or a year down the line. Although, given the weak sales, it's doubtful another vendor will be eager to set up the screens for shirts.

PS: Don't buy a shirt just to "be nice." If you really want to "be nice," you can just drop $5 in the PayPal. A lot of people think Ace did the retirement thing because of the t-shirt sales; he didn't. He just threw out a throw-away gag and then Instapundit linked it so he figured he'd better go ahead and do a lame prank or else Instapundit might never link him again.

Posted by: Hoke at 11:54 AM | Comments (80)
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She's an athlete. She's European. She's a basketball player, so she must be tall, and the James Bond people could use her as a villainous female assassin.

Plus, they wouldn't have to give her a silly sexual double-entendre name. She already has one.

Her name is Mandic. Ivana Mandic.

Ivana Mandic in action... well, not the action
that some of us are giggling over.

I "fact-checked," sort of. It's a real article, and no, the dateline is not April 1.

Dirty-Kinky Stormtrooper of Love Update: While you're at Dave's, check out the gif in the sidebar.

I think it's the new "Star Wars kid."

Posted by: Hoke at 11:45 AM | Comments (12)
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ACE: Yo, Hoke. Look, I want to just say I'm sorry for--

HOKE: Spare me the scheduled Ike Turner-style chain-apologies. What the hell do you want?

ACE: Just wanted to let you know I didn't need to borrow that money from you anymore. I've got myself a new gig. It's great-- all the attention I want, and it pays good, too.

HOKE: What is it?

ACE: Well, it's sort of like cabaret.
more...

Posted by: Ace at 10:41 AM | Comments (26)
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Francis tipped me to this a ways back, suggesting I Ace should publicize it, as of course courage above and beyond the call ought to be noted.

But Bill from InDC has a better post about it, including an NPR report and a flash re-enactment of the engagement that won him this high honor.

Posted by: Ace at 10:19 AM | Comments (15)
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Captured Terrorists Humiliated on New Hit Iraqi TV Show

This isn't a joke, but hopefully Ace will get a top ten out of it.

They deserve worse:

Iraq's hottest new television program is a reality show. But the players are not there by choice. And they don't win big bucks, a new spouse or a dream job.

Instead, all the characters on "Terrorism in the Hands of Justice" are captured suspected insurgents. And for more than a month, they have been riveting viewers with tales of how they killed, kidnapped, raped or beheaded other Iraqis, usually for a few hundred dollars per victim.

Seated before an Iraqi flag, the dejected and cowed prisoners answer questions from an off-camera inquisitor who mocks their behavior. Some sport bruised faces and black eyes. Far from appearing to be confident heroes battling U.S. occupation, they come across as gangsters.

How could that be? Doesn't everyone know these are "The Minutemen," and "they will win"?

"I watch the show every night, and I wait for it patiently, because it is very revealing," said Abdul Kareem Abdulla, 42, a Baghdad shop owner. "For the first time, we saw those who claim to be jihadists as simple $50 murderers who would do everything in the name of Islam. Our religion is too lofty, noble and humane to have such thugs and killers. I wish they would hang them now, and in the same place where they did their crimes. They should never be given any mercy."

Broadcast on al-Iraqiya, the state-run network set up by the U.S. occupation authority in 2003, "Terrorism in the Hands of Justice" has become one of most effective arrows in the government's counterinsurgency propaganda quiver.

"It has shown the Iraqi people the reality of those insurgents, [that] they are criminals, killers, murderers, thieves," Interior Minister Falah Naqib said last week.

Sabah Kadhim, an Interior Ministry spokesman, added, "The last few weeks have been incredible in terms of tips coming in from the public."

Officials launched the program, Kadhim said, after realizing that Iraqis did not believe that insurgents were being arrested. "Talking to people in the street, they say, 'Is it really true? . . . Why don't you show it?' " he recalled. "The demand for this came from the people."

Heh, Read the Whole Thing, and/or Keep On Scrolling.

Or even: Oh, That Terrorist-Humiliating Media.

LauraW again. GregS and NickS had better get their shit together post-haste and start sending me cool tips again or LauraW replaces them as the top Ace of Spades Digital Brownshit Informer.

Posted by: Ace at 10:12 AM | Comments (15)
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Art Buchwald, the WaPo columnist most famous not for any of the drivel he's written but for giving Eddie Murphy the idea for Coming to America, apparently doesn't know any real conservatives, and so he's forced to invent a "friend" named Sam Sampson, who then explains how much he wants to murder the "non-human" liberal judges in America.

I'm surprised at how accurate his guestimation of the conservative mind-set is! Why, ever time I go to a right-wing get-together in NY DC the talk almost immediately turns from sports to duct-tape, shovels, and lime.

Wardrobe Door deconstructs this idiocy on his group blog, Two or Three.

Hey, great name for a blog there, dude. In case you start another blog,
I've got another killer name -- Eight.

Showmanship, people. It's all about showmanship. People want their steak but they also want the sizzle. And, let's face it, steak leads to arteriosclerosis. Sizzle alone is easier, cheaper, and maybe even healthier.

To Be Fair... Okay, there's a quote from, all right, Jesus of all people to explain the quote. Jesus-- now there's a trump-card for ya.

Still. "Two or Three"? Come on now. You're better than that.

Hell, Oliver Willis is better than that.

Posted by: Ace at 09:19 AM | Comments (14)
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