In case anyone's interested in making similar offers (actually, this was a contest, I think, but roll with this), I can blog about the following shows:

* The Apprentice
* American Idol -- Okay, it jumped the shark in season 2, and I've vowed to never watch this crap again, but for a 100K I can deal
* Simon & Simon
* The A-Team
* Any of those awful softporn shows on Cinemax where all you see is some silicone-boobies and some frictive rubbing of (unseen) private areas while a horrible wailing sax plays in background
* Justice League/Justice League Unlimited (it sucks now, but I'll pretend it's good)
* The Batman
* That kick-ass Spiderman cartoon that was on MTV but seems to have either moved to a bad channel location or else was cancelled
* Monk
* Survivor
* Any 70's show featuring a guest appearance by Evel Kinevel (which is, like, all of them... I think The Incredible Hulk one time learned the "importance of motorcycle safety" from Evel)
* Riptide
* Cocksucker Creek Deadwood (also jumped the shark, but what the hell)

Shows you'll have to pay me extra money to blog about:
* "Prestige" dramas like ER and The West Wing
* Virtually any comedy, esp. those featuring Ted Danson, Brett Butler, Whoopie Goldberg, or really anyone at all; they all suck except for Arrested Development
* Any show by Steven Bochco
* Any show featuring Lorenzo Lamas

Thanks to Evan.

Posted by: Ace at 11:35 AM | Comments (28)
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...none of it was quite as bad as this. From an article by Christina Hoff Sommers:

Which games are deemed safe and self-affirming? The National PTA recommends a cooperative alternative to the fiercely competitive "tug of war" called "tug of peace." Some professionals in physical education advocate activities in which children compete only with themselves, such as juggling, unicycling, pogo sticking, and even "learning to ... manipulate wheelchairs with ease."

Hmmm... making kids learn juggling, unicycling, and pogo-sticking?

Next lesson: How to curl yourself up into a defensive fetal position when you're getting your fuckin' ass Goodfellas-stomped by every non-emasculated guy out there. Guys who don't juggle, unicycle, or pogo-stick.

Maybe they can change the name of that from "getting punched out" to "getting peaced out."

For God's sake. When did teachers decide that society was best served by transforming boys into women?

Probably around 1953, given their mentality. They just feel comfortable putting the program into action now.

There are a lot of people who just want to repeal manhood. It's not so bad when they contstantly rip into adult men-- hey, we're men, we're supposed to be able to handle such whining and sniping. Sure, we cry ourselves to sleep every night, but during daylight we put up a brave front.

But they're doing this to children who don't know any better. And some of them are actually impresionable, and want to do whatever it takes to please the teachers they (unfortunately) respect.

Let's cut to the quick. Stop overprescribing Ritalin to boys and simply castrate them. That's what you're after; why settle for half-steps?

Tendentious Connection Update: Charges filed against the monsters who sexually assaulted a handicapped girl in school.

Okay, I've got to say I've never liked it when Rush Limbaugh would attempt to link a discreet act of sickness to liberalism. Most of the time I figure he's really just filling time, stretching (both time and a point), but I still don't really like the attempt to pin a lot of vile criminal behavior on a political philosophy.

To some extent, it's fair. If liberals keep telling criminals "It's not your fault; it's society's fault," that really must have some (smallish to be sure) effect on encouraging criminal behavior, by giving a faux-intellectual cover to paper over what vestiges of guilt, shame, and decency remain in the souls of monsters.

But usually it's unfair.

I'm going to dabble in the arguably unfair right now. I'm not going to pretend that rape is a new phemenon, or that boys (and men) haven't been inflicting forcible sex on girls (and women) for all 100,000+ years of human history.

But: I wonder about this.

Part of education is character education. But character education can only work if there is some code that appeals to the student. For men, that code has historically been one of honor and duty and truthfulness. And, yes, a bit of chivalry thrown into the mix.

Suppose misguided educators are now attempting to indoctrinate a wholly alien code on to boys. A code that does not, will not, and cannot resonate with 95% of boys. A code they think is complete bullshit.

And there is little out there in society to offer or reinforce an alternate code, a more traditional code.

Being offered a code that they dismiss a simple lie, would that not tend to make some boys believe that all codes of decency and honor are likewise bullshit? And would many of these boys simply become nihilists and moral monsters, for want of any sort of internal code -- and the shame and guilt that comes from failing that code -- to restrict their behavior?

I don't know. I'm not really trying to pin this awful assault on liberalism. But ideas have consequences, and most ideas have unintended consequences (which often are far more powerful than the intended consequences).

Let's stop trying to turn boys into respectable young women -- which will never work -- and start trying to turn them, as we did for centuries before, into honorable young men. Yes, they're still going to exhibit some of that awful masculine behavior that our ultrafeminized teacher corps so despises, but maybe they'll grow up to be good men, or at least as good as men can be.

Arms Are Made For Huggin' Update: A magically stupid poem by a cat named Shel Silverstein:

Hug O' War

a poem by the late Shel Silverstein
[Author of A Light in the Attic]

I will not play at tug o' war

I'd rather play at hug o' war,

Where everyone hugs

Instead of tugs

Where everyone giggles

And rolls on the rug,

Where everyone kisses

And everyone grins

And everyone cuddles

And everyone wins.

I don't have any beef against rolling around on the floor with a chick and kissing her, and maybe even touching her boobies, but I've got to say that a lot of this touchy-feely "love" shit the left is peddling to children has some decidedly creepy sexual overtones. And undertones. And mid-range tones, too.

This is a fine poem to hang over the door at Plato's Retreat, but I don't know if we should be selling kids on Cuddle Parties. Let them do their own PR.

Thanks to apotheosis.

Posted by: Ace at 10:10 AM | Comments (86)
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Oxytocin -- not Oxycontin, the painkiller known as "Hillbilly Heroin" -- makes rufies look like Diet Shasta:

University students who inhaled the [oxytocin] hormone in a nasal spray were discovered to be far more trusting of one another -- eager, in fact, to hand over money to strangers in investment deals.

Somehow I can use this information in my quest for crazy-blog money.

Anyone interested in purchasing Ace of Spades HQ potpourri?

The results suggest trust can be bottled and used to forge commercial relationships. Oxytocin levels have long been known to spike with sexual climax or influence the production of mothers' milk, but the new study suggests they are also "the biological basis of trust among humans."

You had me at "sexual climax." The rest of it was just frosting on the cake.

...

"Of course, this finding could be misused to induce trusting behaviours that selfish actors subsequently exploit," the team wrote.

Shut up, really?

"However our findings may have positive clinical implications for patients with mental disorders."

Indeed. Patient with mental disorder + oxytocin = Ace stealing blind from lunatics and retiring to St. Kitts.

The study already has some cynical scientists musing about whether political operatives will try to crop-dust crowds with oxytocin at rallies...

I wonder what sort of "political operatives" they might mean?

...whereas more hopeful researchers see the hormone as a potential boon in treating people with social phobias, or rare genetic disorders that cause children to trust everyone they meet.

Social phobias? Check. I'm on my way to the pharmacist right now.

...

Naturally occurring oxytocin is more fun, but has its pitfalls. In fact, some sex counsellors warn new lovers not to jump into bed with one another, as orgasms increase levels of oxytocin and can thus impair judgment about a mate's character.

Um, isn't "impaired judgment about a mate's character" the glue that holds couples together in the first place? We should be praising the Miracle Hormone Oxytocin, not slandering it.

And besides -- if you just jumped into bed with someone you just met, aren't you already exhibiting imparied judgment?

If you ever suspected that an awful lot of attraction (both sexual and platonic) was just chemically based, this would seem to be support that theory. Somewhere out there are people who can pheremonically trigger increased oxycotin levels in you, and you'll like them and trust them, for no better reason than they sweat agreeable molecules.

Thanks to LauraW.

Yes! A Military Application!: Dave offers:

Anyway, another use for the "trust hormone" that the story didn't mention, and quite relevant for today: interrogations.

I can't wait for the bleating from Amnesty International when we start spritzing Gitmo prisoners with trust spray.

Too true. A drug that sort of blisses you out (and gives you kick-ass orgasms, should you get lucky) could be used as an aid in some extremely gentle interrogations.

But the civil rights absolutists will flip out, of course.

Beth Update: Oxytocin is apparently also being used to control premature ejaculation.

The Hubris blog has a non-drug alternative.

Posted by: Ace at 09:31 AM | Comments (25)
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Hey, if you're doing a promotional movie to introduce new 49'ers players to the most PC city on the face of the earth, what better way to do it than to feature a lot of racial humor and soft-porn take-offs on lesbian weddings?

The video is of course on-line (linked at Say Anything, of course, who trafficks in such trash, unlike the pristine Ace of Spades HQ blog). But the naked "lesbians" have all their fun bits fuzzed out by the judgmental bowlderizing censors at the San Francisco Chronicle.

Slublog is also on the story, who notes:

The video was shown to players last August during training camp in Santa Clara, where it was part of a diversity workshop.

A diversity workshop. You can't make this stuff up. It makes the sexual harassment video we show at our annual workshop look tame.

The article does not explain what 'lesbian soft-porn and topless blondes' have to do with media relations and diversity, except maybe that's the only way Reynolds could get the football team to watch a video dealing with those subjects. Maybe Reynolds can move onto a career as a media advisor for Howard Stern.

This is just another data-point supporting my long-held theory that People are just generally fuckin' stupid. And I mean pretty much all of us. Most of us act in a non-stupid manner most of the time, but there's this wellspring of ineffable stupidity threatening to geyser up at any moment.

I've got to say I could care less about the "outrages" on this video. The crime here is really just complete moronitude and not any mortal sin.

Still-- how the hell can a PR guy continue to get business after demonstrating such utter incompetence at the PC PR game?

Isn't the first rule of PR, like the first rule of medicine, "Do no harm"?

I'd love to see this guy defending someone involved in a scandal. "Let's not focus on these unsubstantiated allegations of infidelity," I can hear him saying. "If you want to write a story, you should check out his extensive collection of illegal fetish videos. Hot stuff, baby!"

Posted by: Ace at 09:14 AM | Comments (17)
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Every time I think I'm out, Lucas keeps pulling me back in.

The third item here has Lucas supposedly looking for cast members to star in his new SW TV series, to feature "all-new" characters. Thank goodness.

On the other hand, it's TV, which has a smaller budget, so expect less action and more of that wond'rous Lucas dialogue!

I'd sooner kiss a Wookie.

Thanks to OgreGunner.

Posted by: Ace at 08:50 AM | Comments (20)
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I hope the FBI gets involved double-quick.

Posted by: Ace at 08:43 AM | Comments (3)
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Down in flames.

Over at Hit & Run, Matt Welch frets that the EU Constitution actually represented the opportunity for economic liberalization, and that its immolization is therefore a setback.

Nonsense. Economic liberalization is a good thing. But there are more important things-- actual democratic representation, for one.

I'm opposed to Roe v. Wade not because I object to the policy but because that decision reduces democracy by taking important decisions from the people themselves. If all 50 states made abortion legal through the first two trimesters, I'd be happy.

But, while I do think it's important to allow women to end unwanted pregnancies, I think it's more important that normal democratic means be permitted to settle these questions.

So-- Europe rejected the EU Constitution. Economic liberalization will not be forced on resistant populations by unaccountable bureaucrats. (PS, I kind of doubt those bureaucrats really would have liberalized much at all -- they don't seem like a bunch of Adam Smiths to me -- but let's assume for this discussion that they would have.)

It's better to have protectionism and a vestige of democracy than economic liberalism and rule by an unaccountable European Vanguard.

Posted by: Ace at 02:31 PM | Comments (23)
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“Americans are very kind people,” one English-challenged detainee said in the March 4 paper. “If people say there is mistreatment in Cuba with the detainees, those type speaking are wrong, they treat us like a Muslim not a detainee.”

“I’m in good health and have good facilities of eating, drinking, living, and playing,” remarked another. “The food is good, the bedrooms are clean and the health care is very good.

The vaunted multiple layers of painstaking editorial fact-checking determined that the detainee who said that was "a lying little bitch" who was "probably peddling his ass for Pall Malls."

More at Is This Blog On?

Posted by: Ace at 01:40 PM | Comments (8)
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I don't think I agree with his ends-justify-the-means analysis, but I'll excuse it as he dearly loved Nixon and besides, he's a really cool guy.

But he's got some strong words about Mark Felt.

Thanks to Alex_fs.

Posted by: Ace at 01:00 PM | Comments (32)
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...have banded together to form The Cotillion all-grrrl blog, linking primarily (exclusively?) female bloggers.

Which isn't as cool as it first sounds. Because you know there's always going to be that one annoying chick who won't let her drunk friend go home with you. I figure it's Bamapachyderm.

But seriously, I think it's great that women can team up together and help advance each other at the expense of everyone else's interests. I wish men had someplace like that.

Oh, yeah. We do. It's called "Earth."

Via Michelle Malkin.

Totally Chick-Baiting Update: The blog's off to a good start, but I'm a little confused about the political nature of some of the categories:

* Whining Endlessly About Our Periods

* We're Smarter Than Everyone We Work With But No One Can Understand That Because They're All Stupid

* Paige Davis From Trading Spaces Thinks She All Dat, But She Ainnn'

* Home Gardening: Spending Hours and Hours Planting Stupid Fucking Vegetables That Pretty Much Taste As Shitty as the Ones You Get From PathMark

* I'd Love To Blog Something About Uzbekistan But Lost Is On and I Just Picked Up the Latest Mystery By Janet Evanovich So My Night Is Completely Shot

* Let Me Explain In Teeth-Grinding Detail the Love/Hate Relationship I Have With My Mother and Sisters, Which Is Difficult To Explain Because It's So Unique, Except Of Course For The Other 3.3 Billion Women In the World Who Blather On About the Same Fucking Thing

* When My Husband Falls Asleep I'm Going to Re-Paint the Dresser With Sage Milk-Paint, Even Though He Forbade It, and Then Blame It on a Home Invasion by a Maruading Band of Interior-Decorating Dominican Gangbangers

* I Haven't Been This Super-Psyched Since ZBT Had a Mixer With the Lacrosse Team

* Are You Mad At Me?

* Seriously, You Seem Quiet. Are You Sure You're Not Mad At Me?

* I Can't Put Up With Your Silent Contempt Any Longer. We Need To Talk

* No, I Swear, Everything's Fine Now. Fine. You Can Tell It's Fine Because I Won't Look At You and Everytime I Say Your Name I Spit On a Picture of Your Whole Fucked-Up Family. Now Let This Go Or I Will Stab You In Your Sleep With Pinking Shears. It's Fine

* You Guys Are My Very Best Friends and I'm Not Just Saying That Because I'm Really Drunk; Sure, I Had Eight Appletinis and I'm Sloppy-Sappy and Slurring the Words to Margaritaville As I Try to Induce Everyone Else to Join In In An All-Drunk-Girl Singing Circle, Which Is Sort of a Problem, Because I'm Too Drunk To Realize It's Not Margaritaville That's on the Juke-Box but Rather Flirtin' With Disaster By Molly Hatchet, But Seriously I Love You Guys

* Let's Spend the Next Four Hours Talking About Shoes, Mushroom Qaesadillas, and Cute "Tops"

Only women can call shirts "tops." If any of your male friends ever says "Hey, I have to go home to change into a different 'top,'" keep your eye on him.

And of course I keeeeed. It's a cool blog, and great idea.

Posted by: Ace at 12:55 PM | Comments (89)
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