Claims she was misquote, which has the thinnest veneer of plausiblity as her words were translated by her into Spanish and by the reporter into his native Portuguese. Although, you know, Portuguese is practically Spanish anyway.

Gwyneth Paltrow is "deeply upset" over stories claiming she made anti-American remarks, and tells PEOPLE exclusively that she never said anything against her native country.

"First of all I feel so lucky to be American. When you look at the rest of the world, we're so lucky, and that's something my dad always instilled in me," Paltrow tells PEOPLE. "I feel so proud to be American."

The actress has recently been criticized after she was quoted as telling the Portuguese newspaper Diario De Noticias, "The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans."

"I felt so upset to be completely misconstrued and I never, ever would have said that," says the 34-year-old Oscar winner. "I definitely did not say that I think the British are more intelligent and civilized than Americans. I am a New York girl, that's how I always think of myself and see myself."

Posted by: Ace at 06:57 AM | Comments (45)
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Dungeons & Dragons, for real, and not with dorky loners getting lost in subway tunnels.

More than a mile below the Earth's surface, South African police are waging a battle against a new breed of pirate: wildcat gold miners who live underground for months at a time in unused mine shafts, smuggling out ore worth millions and defending their turf with homemade grenades and booby traps.

In the past six months, in response to pleas from outgunned private mine-security squads, South African police have created a task force to ambush the thieves. The force has arrested 60 of the pirates in six perilous underground raids.

That clattering you just heard was ten-thousand would-be novelists and screenwriters writing "Chapter One" or "FADE IN."

More excerpts below. more...

Posted by: Ace at 05:24 AM | Comments (21)
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Called "Li'l Bush," showing Bush as a kid. A dumb kid.

I don't think it's as bad as Greg Tinti does, maybe just because I always enjoy a Bush impression, even a mediocre one. The shot at Laura Bush being a "chubby nerd" I could have done without. Chubby? Why not just say "nerd" ?

He's right, it's uninspired and just mostly a rehash of a thousand Bush jokes you've heard before. Plus, the premise is lifted from "Conan Babies," a parody of "Muppet Babies" featuring Conan O'Brien, Andy Richter, and Max as babies. They also play cute little instruments in bouncy, sing-a-long pop songs. It's here at the end of this brief compilation of Conan O'Brien music parodies.

And the hot dog thing? Just a rehash of the Onion's hilarious "Christopher Walken on hot dogs" column. (I'd read that first, so you don't get the good hot dog humor spoiled by the inferior Bush cartoon.)

So... eh. A kinda crappy bit of work that has little going for it except it has the all-important Anti-Bush Brand on it. The same thing that keeps marginal talents Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert on the air.*

* Okay, Stephen Colbert was funny in Strangers with Candy, so he's talented. But his show isn't very funny. It's just liberals' need for constant validation and reassurance that keeps them watching.

Posted by: Ace at 02:50 PM | Comments (40)
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Just a Free Republic link. They say it's being "reported on terrorist websites." One such website is linked way down in the thread, but it's in Arabic, so I have no idea what it says.

Can anyone figure this out?

Posted by: Ace at 02:23 PM | Comments (67)
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This story's actually a little old, but if you haven't read about it, there's a new whatsit called "The Magic Cone" that allows women to, uh, pee standing up.

The way they're supposed to. Not squatting down on the earth like baboons and circus bears.

I'm linking it because Cake or Death is a good blog, and this time around, there's an illustration about how to use your new rolled-paper penis.

Step Six shows her disposing of the urine-soaked paper in a nearby trash can. Just in case you weren't sure if you were supposed to carry your own waste around with you in your handbag.

Bonus! There's an animation, too.

It's hentai-hot.

Posted by: Ace at 02:16 PM | Comments (45)
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As NRO's Byron York notes, the outrage would be more plausible had Democrats not constantly referred to George Allen as "George Felix Allen, Jr.," attempting to call into notice his Jewish ancestry.

And also, that he's a "junior," which he's actually not, as his dad had a different middle name.

With leaks that hurt Democrats, it's the leaking (dirty leakers! skullduggery!), and not the substance of the leak, that gets the media attention; when a leak hurts Republicans, the substance of the leak gets all the attention, and that stuff about leaking being political skullduggery? Not mentioned.

Similarly-- the whole "Felix" thing was rehashed endlessly by the media. Not to castigate Democrats for a ham-handed (ahem) attempt at Jew baiting. Does George Allen hate Jews? Do you hate Jews? Well then, better think twice about voting for George Felix Farbstein Allen!

And nothing at all about how low all of this was.

Same story, but a Democrat is not being name-baited by the mention of his middle name. Any stories going to run about how Obama came by this middle name? Of course not. When it's a Democrat, the silliness of it is understood, and it's the evil tactic of mentioning such a thing that's the story.

They might be more effective in their bias were they not so transparent about it. If they restrained themselves a little more, played a little fairer, they'd have more impact, because people would basically trust them.

But the girls can't help themselves, so nobody does trust them.

Thanks to Kelly.

Posted by: Ace at 02:11 PM | Comments (27)
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That's CNN's cute headline. I say cute because it suggests something that didn't happen.

What does that headline make you think? It made me think the cop said something like "The only black men that can afford a Benz are rappers, so start rapping or I'll book you."

Why else mention "Benz"?

The video shows something completely different. They litter, the cop jokes around they can avoid a fine if they rap. Everyone's laughing in the video.

The NAACP is outraged.

And CNN needs a new headline writer.

And also, a new employee for every position that exists in the organization.

Posted by: Ace at 01:43 PM | Comments (26)
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But sorry, ladies -- so far he's still apparently gay.

Lance Bass and his boyfriend, Reichen Lehmkuhl, have called it quits, People magazine reported on its Web site Monday.

Bass' publicist, Ken Sunshine, didn't respond to a message from The Associated Press. The AP was trying to locate a representative for Lehmkuhl.

Two things: 1, if you're born "Ken Sunshine," you're pretty much guaranteed to grow up to be a publicist representing a boy-band pop-star, and 2, I believe the reason AP couldn't locate a representative for Reichen Lehmkuhl is because there is no representative for Reichen Lehmkuhl, except Reichen Lehmkuhl.

Posted by: Ace at 01:34 PM | Comments (14)
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God bless 'em. They do such important work.

Debating resolutions, passing resolutions, considering resolutions to prevent UN troops from raping women, girls, and young boys, deciding such resolutions would be unnecessary, etc.

Posted by: Ace at 01:30 PM | Comments (3)
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So says Dan Riehl, combing the news for how other outlets are handling this.

Eh, what does it matter? Let's face it, you don't need reporters in Iraq. Which is good, because we have almost none. Let's just follow the AP's lead and make stuff up that sounds sort of plausible. We know the "Big Picture" is that it's ceaseless, intensifying violence; what do the little nits and details of it matter?

I will now be an Iraq reporter, reporting from my bed in Massachusetts. Like so:

Shi'ite "Rape Squads" Rampage Sunni Neighborhoods, "Punishing" Women Suspected of Aiding Family Members In Insurgency

R A M A D I -- They came in the dead of night. In the four am desert cold, a gang of ten to twenty masked men raided the small village of Bina'il, systematically raping women and girls, some as young as eight.

None of the victims of the rapes would speak openly about the event with Acewire News Service, owing to the Muslim taboo against victims of rape. But Captain Jamil Hussein confirmed the events of the night. "It was like nothing I've ever seen," police captain Hussein said from his office inside a Ramadi Mailboxes, Etc. storage closet. "Women were dragged out of their homes, by their hair, by their feet, and raped in front of the men of the village, who were forced to watch at gunpoint."

The masked raiders screamed at the villagers, blaming them for supporting the insurgency, and shouting they were all now "whores" who would be condemned to hell by the violations.

Tensions have been rising in Iraq since Sunnis successfully unearthed the giant mutant bat Rodan from his grave in the southerly Anbar province, and set him after the city of Basra, promising him "giant mutant casaba melons" to snack on if he killed at least three hundred Shi'ites.

Police Captain Jamil Hussein called Rodan
"the greatest recruiting tool bin Ladin ever had,"
although, he said, bin Ladin is known to prefer
Gamerra on the whole.

Police Captain Jamil Husein described the carnage as he walked his beat, which consists of the front portion of the Mailboxes, Etc., between the envelope racks and copying machines.

"There was this great big humanoid vampire bat flying around, shooting huge bolts of lighting of his mouth," Captain Hussein said as changed the toner cartridge of a copier. "He was knocking down entire buildings. And then, in one of the most horrifying scenes I've ever witnessed, this three-hundred foot tall vampire bat began dragging women out of their homes and raping them."

Asked how such a violation was even physically possible, Captain Hussein said merely, "Exactly. How is such a thing even possible at all?"

The cycle of violence promises to grow still worse, however, as there are dark rumors that Shi'ites are seeking "the ultimate revenge" for the Rodan incindent. They have cast a Satanic spell to resurrect the butcher of Whitechapel, Jack the Ripper himself, and will set him against Rodan. "He's going to be three hundred feet tall, too," Police Captain Hussein said as he polished his various accomodations, one for bravery, another for service above the call of duty, and a third for being the World's Greatest Golfer. "The giant Satanic zombiespawn Jack the Ripper is going to slit Rodan's throat, cut out his innards, and then drag him by his hair down the street and rape him in front of his Sunni relatives."

"Where will it all end?" Police Captain Jamil Hussein asks himself wistfully. "I wish I knew," he says as he punches a customer's "Frequent Faxer" card. "I wish I knew."

Kathleen Carroll of the Associated Press contributed to this story. She also says if you question a word of it you're an agenda-driven retard.

Pulitzer me!

FoxNews... covers the Hussein/Burning Man story.

Posted by: Ace at 11:12 AM | Comments (46)
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