Kidney failure, they say.

Nope, I don't believe it either.

Posted by: Ace at 07:17 PM | Comments (112)
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"The weird thing is if a tourist took those pictures, there would be people in them. There was nobody in these."

And they probably wouldn't have snapped so many shots of New York's luxurious subway system, where you can ride anywhere for $2.00 and the stench of week-old human urine is, as ever, on the house.*

* Okay, really, that joke is pre-Guiliani. It's very rare to find the subways reeking of anything anymore, except for a general moldiness, which is pretty excusable for an underground system.

Posted by: Ace at 06:18 PM | Comments (25)
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Second verse, same as the first, a little bit slower and a little bit worse.

They'll change the old one to contain a strong committment to maintaining Europe's "social model," in order to appease the French, who, one must imagine, are pretty scared their Europewide-subsidized economic house of socialist cards will come tumbling down if there is any more of that "Anglo-Saxon" economic darwinism in Britain, Ireland, Italy, and the Central European states.

Hmmm... appeasing the French.

Well, I gues they've earned a bit of appeasement-capital, huh?

The A-Man. All up in the French's shit, like a viking.

Posted by: Ace at 04:52 PM | Comments (15)
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They hate our freedoms.

And no, I'm not talking about Al Qaeda. The earth is home to more than one fanatical group of zealots willing use violence and terrorism to vindicate their mannichean worldview.

Nancy Pelosi called for an "immediate over-the-horizon redeployment" of all citizens of San Francisco, then injected Botox directly into her eyeballs.

Posted by: Ace at 04:40 PM | Comments (32)
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Clarified says she's "tagged" me with the new, well, they always call it a "meme," but it's not really. It's a game or something.

I'm supposed to tell you five weird things about me. Okay, here they are:

1. I find the term "bathroom" to be low-class and tasteless. I never use the word. I always refer to it as the "lavatorial facilities" or "a small room where you can make a stinky."

2. I've spent the last six months of my life working on my children's book, Johnny Fucknuts. I've had complaints about the title, and I'm considering changing it to Teddy Fucknuts.

3. I feel truly alive only on the dance floor.

4. I am offended by the terms "blind man" and "sightless person," which define people according what they don't have rather than what they do. I always make it a point to use the more sensitive and positive term "People With Retarded Eyeballs."

5. In grade school the other kids used to tease me mercilessly and call me "Spats," because my Mom and Dad insisted I wear a "sharp-lookin'" pair of spats to school each day. Just the other day I was having a beer with a kid I knew in fourth grade, laughing about the old times, those ridiculous shoes I used to wear, and how I brutally murdered my parents with a shotgun in 1988.

BONUS Weird Thing Number 6:

6. I hate these things, and only do them when I write them in thirty seconds by re-using jokes I've done about 7,856 times before.

I'm supposed to pass this on, but another weird thing about me is that I don't placate. So, nah.

Posted by: Ace at 03:46 PM | Comments (15)
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Seriously, he does. He doesn't quite know what to make of these "facts," but he's not necessarily against them. The cool facts lists at least give him a chance to plug his autobiography and "Old West novels," which he calls his "literary efforts." And, hell, who can blame a guy for a little self-promotion?

Cool Fact About Chuck Norris' Old West Novels: They're actually slightly fictionalized versions of his second-grade diaries, set 100 years in the past. Some of the more gratuitous sex and graphic violence has been toned down for the novels in order to make them more palatable to general audiences.

Dick Cheney, meanwhile, has no response to the facts offered about him, chiefly for legal considerations.

Thanks to Pompous.

Related & Funny: The Ultimate Showdown, featuring Godzilla, Optimus Prime, Batman, and of course Chuck Norris.

Thanks to Nat for that.

Posted by: Ace at 02:56 PM | Comments (24)
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James Risen apparently doesn't. Once again, a confirmed member of the Eastern Liberal Establishment pines for the day when the elected representatives of our government get out of the way of Ivy educated, unelected bureaucrats to let them rule.

Let's Try Some Of These Cutting-Edge Democratic Reforms Out! Update: JoeInDC44 writes--

Hmm, maybe we could make it so that only people who own land vote? Or perhaps people that pass some sort of IQ test, like a written poll exam. Maybe we should exclude people who are of a certain heritage, religion or occupation. I got it, lets make people pay to vote. I mean, we don't want just anyone voting.

Great ideas, certainly! But I think Risen is more of the mind that everyone should vote, but their votes should just be ignored, and a permanent governing intelligentsia -- let's call it, oh, I don't know, a "Politburo," or, more euphonious I think, a "Revolutionary Vanguard" of some sort -- should rule as they please despite the masses' so-called "votes" and "preferences."

Another great idea that hasn't been tried yet, but just might work!

Posted by: Ace at 02:48 PM | Comments (42)
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Instalanche me! It's war! It's nanotech! It's the singularity of body amor!

An Israeli firm has developed armor based on nanotechnology.

ApNano has tested armor said to be five times stronger than steel and twice as strong as any impact-resistant material used in protective gear.

Last year, a sample of the ApNano material was subjected to tests in which a steel projectile traveling at a speed of up to 1.5 kilometers per second slammed into the material.

Executives said the impact was the equivalent to dropping four diesel locomotives onto an area the size of a human fingernail.

They said the nano-based armor, which stemmed from a new carbon form called Inorganic Fullerenes, withstood the impact.

They hope to begin selling the armor by 2009.

Thanks to the A-Man.

Posted by: Ace at 12:27 PM | Comments (60)
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It held:

Should update every time the site is reloaded.
Another Update: Okay, it held, so I guess I didn't "know" that. It'll

The resistance point is futile.

Update: I knew it wouldn't hold for the day. But just getting over 11,000 intraday is enough to lower resistance for the next time.
fall back down tomorrow, though. Still, the resistance point is breached.

Posted by: Ace at 12:13 PM | Comments (48)
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He's so over his ex-fiancee he has to announce his new crushes in the tabloids:

He says, "Charlize Theron (leaves me tongue-tied). I've met her a few times now and she's always left me completely lost for words.

"She's wonderful and so beautiful."

Chris Klein? Tongue tied? The devil you say.

I like how the writer had to (paraphrase) The Eloquent One's words about being tongue-tied. He probably was speaking pubescently and made no sense at all there.

What a lucky woman Charlize Theron is. What woman doesn't want to date a male-ish version of the Alien Borg Queen from Star Trek: Insurrection?

Update: I'm over her, I mean honestly, I'm like sooooo totally over her, I barely ever think about her, ever, except that I can't seem to stop talking about her:

We get it, Chris Klein. You've moved on from your days with Katie Holmes.

Still, the "American Pie" actor can't seem to keep from publicly pining about his former relationship with Tom Cruise's baby's momma.

After telling "Access Hollywood" in November that he wasn't bitter and had moved on, Klein, 26, told himself the same thing recently on AP Radio:

"It's a time that I'll always look back with Â… fondness, but her and I have moved on."

I'd feel bad for him if he didn't have this thing going on that's working for him.

A lot of the women in Hollywood need a Daddy. And they call him "Daddy," because they're hungry.

But Katie Holmes doesn't. Not hungry. And maybe she needed a little more placating.

Not Gay: The A-Man thinks Holmes was a beard. How the hell does a man so embarrassingly pine for a woman, publicly no less, if he's gay?

Is the A-Man suggesting that Klein is actually smart enough to cover up one embarrassing secret with another fake embarrassing secret?

Surely he can't be suggesting that.

The A-Man, natch.

Posted by: Ace at 11:29 AM | Comments (38)
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