Posted by: Ace at 05:07 PM | Comments (39)
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It's so tantalizing. Like delicious candy I'm forbidden to taste but I just can't help myself.

More seet, sweet man-candy at BikerFox.com.

Thanks to Grendel.

Posted by: Ace at 05:07 PM | Comments (60)
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Crazy lookin' dog!

Crazy. Lookin'. Dog.

Thanks to Scott.

Posted by: Ace at 01:47 PM | Comments (41)
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Had the print story yesterday; here's the sickening video.

Wow. Santa brought me an ear.

Update: Dave and Carin have some doubts this shows American body parts. The rescue/recovery would come too fast for that, they think.

Possibly. The article says the kids are celebrating the destruction of an American Humvee, but they could be lying.

Either way, you've got children playing with dead things, which I'm told they're not supposed to do.

Posted by: Ace at 12:52 PM | Comments (19)
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And this is his best stuff. He chose these major ha-has to promote himself on his website.

Maybe they sound better before they were translated from the original Retardese.

Anyway:

I'd accuse the Democrats of being afraid of their own shadow, but I have yet to be convinced they actually cast one.

You can't accuse me of bias here: that joke is anti-Democratic, but it's still not funny. What the hell is that? They don't cast shadows? Like... what does that even fucking mean? That they're... ghosts? Incorporeal? Transparent? What?

Bush says he looked into Putin's eyes and saw his soul. Fortunately, Putin was gracious enough not to mention he looked into Bush's ear and saw daylight on the other side.

He's got an empty head, you see. Not funny, but at least, I guess, this counts as a joke with a punchline. I could see five year olds thinking that was pretty funny.

Although I think five-year-olds would get a bigger kick out of it if he said ... he looked into Bush's ear and saw nothing but POOP.

Actually, I think that works better for adults, too.

Dubyah's Healthy Forests Initiative encourages logging, his Clear Skies Bill allows for more pollution. You can understand why seniors are afraid his Social Security Reform might legislate a quota of old people.

Did I mention he had selected these bon mots as "Durst Quotables"?

Who would would quote that?

Cheney has a pacemaker the size of a garage door opener. The first Vice President susceptible to assassination by microwave.

These just don't seem to make any sense. I mean, kind of, I guess. But they're not funny.

I'm glad Schwarzenegger is Governor of California. We have once again wrestled the mantle of madcap away from Florida. We are Colliephonia: The state that put the "mock" in Democracy.

"Mantle of madcap?" Who the hell has talked like that since the 1880's? Who's writing his gags for him, Professor Moriarity? The Scarlet Pimpernel, maybe?

Maybe he cribbed that one from Edgar Allen Poe's Treasury Of Pick-Up Lines And Party Jokes.

And: "The state that put the 'mock' in Democracy."

He's a professional comic, guys. He gets paid for stuff like that.

PETA says we shouldn't eat fish because they have feelings too. The hell are we supposed to eat? Fruit? Vegetables? What's next? "Please don't agitate the Brussel Sprouts' self-esteem?"

Again: politically, this is a "joke" that should appeal to me. But... it's so amateurish and obvious. I wouldn't even write this one on a blog, for crying out loud.

Newt Gingrich has not ruled out a run for the Oval Office in 08. President Newt. That's scarier than the Dennis Hastert Swimsuit Calendar.

Which is half as scary as, "Your in-flight entertainment tonight will be three hours of Will Durst making jokes about Brussel sprouts."

Still can't find Osama. The six foot nine inch Arabian guy traipsing around the Khyber Pass dragging behind him a solar-powered Kidney Dialysis Machine from Sharper Image.

This joke is told by everyone, including f'n' Alan Colmes for crying out loud, in one variation or another.

Again-- these are "Will Durst Quotables." This is his top-drawer stuff. This is his comedy resume.

If Hillary becomes President, that makes Bill the First Lady. And knowing his sexual proclivities, that means he's the first First Lady to be a lesbian. Okay. Maybe not.

I get it-- Bill Clinton's horny, and he'll have sex with women, right?

"Okay. Maybe not."

Truer words have never been spoken.

Thanks to Allah.

I'll Admit... This one would be passable, on a blog:

What's the deal with his marriage to Maria Shriver? What is that: phase one in a genetic experiment to breed a bullet-proof Kennedy? Have you seen her lately? She looks like Skeletor's great aunt. Those cheekbones, you could slice open envelopes with those puppies.

But then I'm a sucker for a Skeletor joke. The ending line is horrible, though.

Actually, minus the word "Skeletor" and the "bullet-proof Kennedy" line, this joke has to be completely rewritten by a professional to be borderline funny.

Posted by: Ace at 12:40 PM | Comments (22)
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A secret source just sent me an audio file in which Will Durst's jokes have been digitially masked, so you can hear only the sounds of the audience response. I have transcribed the sounds and overheard snippets of dialogue as faithfully as possible.

...

[man clears throat uncomfortably]

...

[half-hearted clapping to indicate the audience agrees with what Will Durst just said; however, no sounds of actual laughter]

...

[one woman offers a "charity laugh," realizes she's laid it on too thick, and then says "I'm sorry" in a whisper]

...

[crickets chirp]

...

[a confused older woman asks her husband, "What the hell is this?"]

...

[the confused older woman now asks, "Is this Retard Night? Did we come to the club on Retard Night?"]

[(inaudible reply from husband)]

[old woman now says: "Oh, it is Retard Night? Okay. I understand now. He's pretty good for a retard. I guess.]

...

[young woman's voice: "For this I missed Blow Out and Queer Eye?]

...

[crickets stop chirping, and now simply shift uncomfortably in their seats. One cricket begins playing with his cell-phone, looking for cool new ring-tones.]

...

[a cricket is heard asking a waitress, "If we leave early, do you still validate parking?"]

[End transcript.]

Posted by: Ace at 12:12 PM | Comments (7)
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Or at least in a soccer match, designed to reduce fears and foster understanding.

A Dutch multicultural group is organizing a soccer tournament between gays and Muslims, hoping to counter what a study published on Thursday said was a rising tide of fear among gays.

A nationwide survey by the Police Research Academy said that most gays questioned feel unsafe and reported experiencing verbal attacks in the last year.

Of the 776 homosexuals who responded to an internet questionnaire, 80 percent said they believed their safety was threatened at some time during the year, said academy director Frits Vlek, who commissioned the research.

Only 3 percent said they were physically assaulted, Vlek said in an interview, but some 40 percent claimed they had been insulted or verbally abused.

Youths from Moroccan and Turkish backgrounds often were blamed for the incidents, Vlek said, since homosexuality is not widely accepted in many Muslim cultures.

"Parts of the Muslim community still resist homosexuality and receive little education about it," he said.

Muslim-gay tension is the theme of the soccer tournament organized by the Institute of Multicultural Development, to be held next week.

An organizer of the group, Suzanne Ijsselmuiden, said she hoped the competition will "help ease these tensions so that people can openly talk about homosexuality."

She further added that she hoped a "new openness and acceptance" would blossom between the Muslim players and any surviving gay players.

Thanks to Frank and Scott.

Posted by: Ace at 11:38 AM | Comments (42)
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Published in a Kuwaiti newspaper. I guess there is a debate happening in the Muslim world. We just need it a little quicker. Time is ticking down.

Osama bin Laden is a terrorist, a criminal, a murderer, is a vile man and has many inhuman attributes, but he is certainly not responsible for the rise in hatred toward Muslims in Europe. This hatred has emerged due to the adoption (by Western governments) of the many new measures taken to stem the flow of Muslims into Europe and the United States.

...

Muslims themselves are responsible for disfiguring Islam's image in the Western mind. They have failed to present a positive image of Islam, and therefore are responsible for all the trouble that has descended on Muslims today.

Osama bin Laden never forced anyone to go to Iraq, kill its people and destroy its infrastructure. He has forced no one to kill innocent people in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, America and Europe. Bin Laden didn't tell European Muslims hate the countries that have given them refuge and made them rich after their poverty, fed them after their hunger, provided them with freedom after being enslaved in their own Muslim counties, and finally educated them after they were ignorant. You, the Muslims of the West, made all of these catastrophic choices out of your own free will. You willfully sought evil and failed to return the West's goodwill with goodwill. What do you expect from the Westerner, when he sees his own citizens killed in the name of religion? Sees hate in the name of religion? Sees terrorism harm him in the name of religion?

It is only natural that the West hates you, and that the West puts increasing restrictions on you, to prevent you from "invading the West" (while you are living in it) as you proclaim in your speeches and press reports....

If Muslims [don't] do as they should, they will have to bear the consequences of the approaching hardships. But they shouldn't blame bin Laden or Zarqawi, but should instead blame themselves for being ignorantly influenced by misguided imams and religious leaders.

Today, Muslims in particular are unwelcome in the West. This is because they have withdrawn from modernity and fallen under the influence of misguided religious organizations. Eventually, disaster struck. You reap what you sow.

The middle section notes that Osama bin Ladin and other leaders of the jihad movement never seem to themselves sign up to become suicide-bombers, nor do any of their children.

Good stuff.

Thanks to Allahrming News.

Posted by: Ace at 11:33 AM | Comments (35)
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After a long, long list of insulting words, which is supposed to be funny, but isn't:

Impeachment, hell no. Impalement. Upon the sharp and righteous sword of the people's justice.

I guess I have only one question:

Who are you again?

PS, bad news: The Giggle Factory in Poughkipsee wanted me to let you know, they're sorry, but they just got a late-minute confirmation from "Slappy" Hirshbaum, and so you're being bumped from tonight's line-up.

I mean, you can hardly blame them. "Slappy" Hirshbaum. Gold standard. The man's a living legend in the Northern New York suburban comedy scene. He's forgotten more Olive Garden jokes than Paul Provenza ever knew.

When "Slappy" Hirshbaum calls up and says he's got a half-hour to do a set, you only ask two questions: What time does he want to go on, and how do we get out of paying Will Durst?

Thanks to Allah, still guest posting over at Alarming News.

The Most Important Comedic Voice Since Lenny Bruce Update: I apologize for suggesting, however subtly, that Will Durst is a no-talent nobody who bottom-feeds on the second-rate muck of the low-rent lowest-rungs of the ninth circle of bad comedy Hell.

The Comish (sic) sets me straight. The guy is an undisputed comedic genius:

Ace, you could learn a lot from this guy. For example, here's one of his jokes:

"Bush is like if Reagan and Quayle had a kid. He's Quagan."

See what he did there? He combined the names of two conservatives. To make one name. One name that we've probably never heard before, so it sounds downright silly. That's humor, Ace.

That's funny. That's Hee-Haw funny.

I've got one. Will Durst is like if a no-account no-talent no-name nobody and a cancerous asshole had a kid. He's a no-account no-talent no-name nobody cancerous asshole.

Pretty good. It's a wonderment to me that this guy isn't headlining in the big Vegas rooms already. What is he, ninety? He should have been huge back when he was a spry seventy-year-old, just starting to make a name for himself.

Posted by: Ace at 11:13 AM | Comments (17)
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-- by Clay Aiken

Once again, ignore that "By Ace" above. I cleared this with his PR people. Well, not his PR people so much as a guy who once did his hair and makeup before a gig at a Six Flags near Des Moines. So this is just as good as coming straight from Mr. Aiken himself.

To All My "Claymates,"

There are a lot of rumors flying out there about me. I'm sure you've read the tabloids, seen the web-chat logs, seen the web-cam pictures I sent.

It's time to drop the pretense, the lying. Yes, it's all true.

I am a liberal.

(Content advisory.) more...

Posted by: Ace at 10:20 AM | Comments (19)
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