Update: Scan down. Some silly stuff.

And I mean the hot kind of roleplaying. (Mild content warning for "chat session" linked at site.)

Actually, I did almost exactly this one of my first times ever online. With a friend, I went into an AOL chatroom called "The Dungeon," with the intent of pretending I had missed the meaning of that name.

I immediately got hit on by some dude. He wanted to know my race, so I told him "elf." He asked what I was packing, so I told him "+4 Longbow of Slaying." Or something like that.

He asked me what I was wearing, so I said "Studded leather," which he seemed to like, but when he asked me to take it off, I said I couldn't, because there might be stirges and displacer beasts around.

He eventually got annoyed and moved on.

Still, from that moment, I knew that this crazy thing we call the Internet Tubes was my stage.

Update: For GURPS (a D&D kind of game), rules for sex.

Thanks to Shawn, but not lowercased shawn.

I wish I could find it, but there was this RPG created by a lunatic which was online. It was insanely detailed. And I don't mean "insanely detailed" as in "overly detailed." I mean it was filled with the sort of details only a lunatic would need.

You actually rolled for things like penis length and girth, and sexual stamina. And ladies, you got to roll for vaginal diameter. And, um, depth. And equivalent ratings for your butt, should things come to that.

But that wasn't the craziest thing. The craziest thing -- which I've kind of stolen -- was that you also had to roll to see if you were a "retard." And that's not the crazy part. The crazy part was that, if you were in fact a "retard," you then had to roll on another table to determine if you had something called, I shit you not, "retard-strength." And then a subtable would determine your exact level of "retard-strength."

I was reading it one night, and was just delighted. It wasn't a parody; this was just some obsessive, probably insane geek who had, thankfully, chosen creating the "ultimate super-detailed role-playing game" as the vehicle for his psychosis.

The hell with the old "I rolled three 18's, an 18/00 for strength, and the highest level of psionic power with all forms of mental attack and defense." That's kid-stuff. In this game, the ulitmate munchkin would claim "I rolled up a character with a 14 inch cock, four and a half inches in diameter, with a one hour and forty minute sexual stamina capacity, and, while I rolled up mental retardation, I also rolled +250% 'retard-strength' when I'm enraged by either not having wild retard-sex for a week or not getting my vanilla tapioca."

That legendary game -- which is sort of the Keyser Sose of RPG's, except it's definitely real -- is definitely the Ace of Spades Lifestyle (TM) Official Role-Playing Game.

Posted by: Ace at 05:01 PM | Comments (38)
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Mrs. Peel has a dream, and rejects the now-discredited Freudian interpretations of it.

Instead, she prefers a Gygaxian analysis.

She asks about previous threads on Vampires. Well, I've done several. Here I slammed vampires as the liberal metrosexual Eurotrash pussyboys of the monster world.

Here I argued about what the "rules" of vampires are or should be.

Here I reported on a British crank's theory that the world was controled by an alien race of shapeshifting reptilian space-vampires who, for reasons I can't comprehend, are also Jews. You'd think aliens would have some other, less terrestrial religion. But no: of course they're Jews.

And this is just about some overly-praised seven-year-old girl and black activist poet, who writes powerful indictments about "PIRATE-VAMPIRE!" whites who plunder, and suck the blood, of the black community.

You know, when I was seven, I wrote a lot about pirates, vampires, and ghosts. No one nominated me an NEA grant, though.

Layers.

On to Mrs. Peel's Gygaxian interpretation of her dream.

Content warning. This is so geeky it's disturbing. more...

Posted by: Ace at 03:14 PM | Comments (67)
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Oh, wait, no, that's the "torture" we subject Al Qaeda detainees to.

Al Qaeda is slightly more lax in upholding the Geneva Conventions.

There is plenty of warning (empty space) before the screencaps from the beheading/desecration video, but you are advised to think twice before scanning down and viewing them.

Andrew Sullivan, upon seeing this, wasted no time in accusing Ramesh Ponnuru of being "Stalinist."

Remember when they used to say that snuff films were an urban myth? Well, the Religion of Peace (TM) saw an opening in the market and promptly filled it.

By the way... just a random observation. Serial killers are often categorized as either "organized" or "disorganized" personalities. An organized personality would be, say, Ted Bundy. He's insane, but he's kind of on the ball, and, as far as serial psycho murderers go, he's "normal."

A disorganized personality is the crazy of the crazies. They're the kind of people who actually make Ted Bundy look sane, by, you know, playing with dead bodies and wearing intestines as sashes and boas and stuff.

Al Qaeda "Warriors" seem to fall into the latter category.

Great culture and religion you have here, Colonel. Would be a shame were something to happen to it.

(Note: Actually, I think the organized/disorganized thing has mainly to do with restraint, control, planning, etc. They're all crazy, but there is a method to the organized personality's madness, where the disorganized types just have a madness to their madness. But I think there's a lot of overlap of the disorganized type with the sort of person who wants to dance around wearing someone's head as a hat.)

Updated Dostoyevski: "A society can be judged by the way it treats its prisoners."

St. Andrew is fond of that quote.

Let's update it. "A society can be judged by the way it treats its psychopathic spree-killers, serial-killers, and mass-murderers."

To wit: Does a society hunt them down and imprison them and often put them to death?

Or does it venerate them as heroes and hang heroic posters of them?

Hang the killers, or hang their posters?

I think that's a more fundmental criterion for judging a society.

I wonder if St. Andrew of the Sacred Heart-Ache agrees.

Nah. He's too busy being "brave" and "independent" to consider the question.

Reference Explanation: In case you're curious why I write heartache as heart-ache, it's because I'm mimicking St. Andrew's manner of writing it. I don't know if it's a Briticism or just an affectation on his part. Either way, it annoys the living shit out of me.

Posted by: Ace at 02:40 PM | Comments (254)
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Ace of Spades Lifestyle (TM), Silver-Years Edition:

We just got a late call for an emergency from one of our patients this week who is about 70 years old. He has a defibrillator and heart problems and he is out drinking and partying with two hookers and his brother. He gets dehydrated from all of the alcohol, then has sex with the hookers and gets his heart rate over the recommended limit, then gets in a fight with his brother, his defibrillator goes off, shocks both of them, they fall down and end up in the emergency room.

Too bad. They were just getting around to firing bottle rockets out of their asses.

Thanks, I think, to TusharD.

Posted by: Ace at 02:13 PM | Comments (12)
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Good News: The disastrous idea of having Kate Capshaw (aka Mrs. Steven Spielberg) reprise her role as the despised Willie Scott from the unloved Temple of Doom is, at the moment, recanted.

Karen Allen will (for the moment) come back as the best "Jones girl," Marion Ravenwood.

Now, the thing is... well, Ms. Allen is kinda... you know. She's not 20 anymore, obviously. They may be able to take 10 years off her, but, with the creaky Harrison Ford as her co-star, this is not going to be your father's Indiana Jones. More like your grandfather's.

Why the hell did these morons wait so long? Oh, right: Spielberg had to do "Hook," and Harrison Ford had to make a lot of movies with "serious acting" in which he played a growling lump of igneous rock.

"Internal acting." Yeah, right. How about impassive? Brick-like? Charisma-free?

Dude, your forte is somewhat broad light comedy and action. Accept it.

Only Lucas has a good reason for the delay on this. He did the world a favor by making the three Star Wars prequels, helping an entire generation move on from Star Wars obsession.

Bad News: They're giving Indy a daughter -- Natalie Portman -- because, you know, we really want to see more kids in Indy movies. Short Round was soooooo funny and cute, I could just gag myself with barbed wire.

I'm hoping for a Indy/Goonies team-up, myself.

Posted by: Ace at 01:08 PM | Comments (76)
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The judge cited the landmark 1959 decision Gee, Ya Think? Vs. No Fuckin' Duh, Genius.

Thanks to tmi3rd.

Posted by: Ace at 12:12 PM | Comments (23)
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Marine Fast-Insertion Space Plane!

Unlike the Air Force, Navy and Army, all three of which sponsor expensive satellite programs, the cash-strapped Marines are pushing just one space concept. It's called Small Unit Space Transport and Insertion, or SUSTAIN, and it's a reusable spaceplane meant to get a squad of Marines to any hotspot on Earth in two hours -- then get them out.

Marine. Fast-Insertion. Space-Plane.

(Bad news: We're talking 2020 here, which means we're really talking 2038.)

Thanks to John.

Posted by: Ace at 12:05 PM | Comments (28)
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The Socialists have teamed up with the pro-Russian Viktor YanukovichÂ’s Party of Regions.

So is the revolution over? I don't know. It's pausing. As long as democratic processes are not thwarted, there's a good chance Yanukovich will be voted out in a couple of years.

The real revolution was the Ukraine breaking from its Russia-dominated/Russia-fixed "elections." As long as that isn't disturbed (a big if, admittedly), the Revolution is still successful.

Sometimes the good guys lose in elections. That's democracy. As long as they have the chance to regroup and fight again in a fair election (again, another big if), it's not a reason for great sadness.

Posted by: Ace at 11:10 AM | Comments (8)
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Feminist blames "Hadji Girl" song for actual rape/murder of Iraqi girl and family.

This is one of those predictions I made, though only in my own head, but I still want credit.

And, yeah: It was obvious. I think that's why I didn't bother.

Still: Credit.

In related news, feminists are blaming Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville for, well, just about everything; Deb Frisch lays the blame for her child-threatening comments at the feet of Suzanne Vega's Luca; I blame Andrew Sulllivan on Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy.

Posted by: Ace at 11:06 AM | Comments (10)
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There seems to be some disagreement over whether it was an accident or a hit, but the guy who engineered the murders of all those Russian schoolchildren is dead.

As Allah tends to snipe: "Thank God he's not being transported to Gitmo."

Posted by: Ace at 10:36 AM | Comments (19)
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