Come on, you knew this was coming, right?

In the comments at the very sophisticated, nuanced, layered Huffington Post:

I'm not convinced the guy is dead. It's not out of the realm of possibility that he may have gone "underground" as a retribute for being a loyal Ranger (multi-million $ GOP fundraiser) and dedicated Shrub-Acolyte.

Kenny Boy's probably sipping mimosa's on some beach in Bali right about now, or in post-op recovery from major plastic surgery to alter his appearance.

-- Know too much about the Bushies? Better watch your back. A potassium chloride dart can ruin your day.

-- Noo, the real question is, is he really dead at all, or has he been spirited away to a private island and an exile of luxury paid for by his ill-gotten gains?

Read it all. The only real debate seems to be whether Ken Lay was murdered by President Bush, or if his death was faked so he could live a life of luxury on the government's dime on some "tropical island" where they fashion makeshift radios out of coconuts and palm-leaves. (Presumably, this scheme involves murder as well; someone about Ken Lay's age and appearance would have to be killed in order to fill the "box" with the required body.)

Of course, no leftists can engage in lunatic conspiracy-theorizing without taking time out to pat themselves on the backs for their courage, vigiliance, and righetousness:

-- Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to.

I speculate that all of you frothing shut-ins are in dire need of getting seriously bent. Straight or gay sex, pity or paid sex. Doesn't matter.

It's science that when dudes don't get bent, bad chemicals collect and pool in their brain and cause them to do all sorts of crazy things-- rape, go on senseless murder sprees, stalk women, read the Huffington Post... really, some of the worst horrors imaginable.

Please, guys. Listen to the good Reverend Smock when he says "God has a vagina for every homosexual," and most likely every heterosexual too, which means, implausible as it may seem, that somewhere out there there is probably someone out there willing to take one for the team to chill you nutjobs the frick out.

As for the crazy chicks posting this crap: Well, you must just be really foul-looking, because just about any chick can get it if she's desperate enough. So, sadly, no cure for you, and you're basically doomed to a sad, lonely, Frischian existence.

Lifetime has some satisfying Meredith Baxter-Birney movies, though.

The Blog: Ken Lay Lives!

I'm not sure if it's a liberal blog or a conservative parody of a liberal blog.

Did the NY Post really run a headline suggesting we check the coffin to make sure he's in it? There's sensationalistic and funny-tacky and then there's just stupid.

Thanks to the Feisty one.

Posted by: Ace at 05:11 PM | Comments (53)
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Good stuff, as always.

I, uhhhh, can't quite see how this man makes his living as an editor, however.

Posted by: Ace at 03:02 PM | Comments (44)
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Bumped. Comments seem to be working now, so you can post your gems here.

LauraW submits:

Gafu blrarg on wet bark

fuck fuck I can't NOT
moths, moths, moths, moths, moths, moths EAT
I'm a professor

Although federal laws forbid me from competing myself, I can offer this as an example, not an entry:

Saw a garden, overrun with weeds.
I said, not me.
Through Spring I smothered and plucked them.
In Summer my garden was blooming brilliant.
But in the slumberous warmth the weeds got ahead of me.
Have I got the will, in this heat?
Oh, let them go to seed
And sleep with me under the snow
Chancing some Spring awakening!

It's really got that "creepy unhinged Deb Frisch vibe" to it, I think.

Other Poems...: are here.

More Deb Frisch Poetry... here, at Villainous Company. She calls herself a "bloggerist," and is the only Poetical Stalker I know of.

People who are always trying to coin cute new words are 1, stupid, and 2, likely insane.

She posts under the name -- yet another desperate cry for help -- under the name "Looney Lefty" or "LL" for short.

This isn't poetry. It's just... well, judge for yourself.

The war in Iraq is a cost-ineffective, oxymoronic waste of money

"Oxymoronic"? Does she believe that "oxymoronic" just means "super moronic"?

Does anyone see an oxymoron there?

University. Professor.

Doesn't know what "oxymoron" means, which is a tough vocabulary word... if you're in ninth grade, speak English as a second language, and are, in fact, a monkey being trained by DARPA to throw poop at IED's.

Gee, I wonder if her political leanings somehow helped her career in the academy.

I'm serious. Look at her insipid writings. Nevermind the crazy shit. Look at the very low level of intellect we're dealing with here.

University. Adjunct. Professor.

How did this borderline retard manage this feat? I can't imagine her writing skills much impressed her professors.

i blog, therefore i am.
i rant, i troll, i spam.
i'm arrogant, crude and sometimes too rude
i can't stand uncle sam.

Is there a... "special" professor track I'm not aware of?

Thanks to Beth.

Posted by: Ace at 12:50 PM | Comments (137)
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Comments Now Working, It Seems.

On the other site, for now.

Here.

Posted by: Ace at 12:48 PM | Comments (4)
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No, wait, that's not right.

A raving American lefty tries to thwart Canadian energy production.

Sounds odd, but it's true:

The importance of Canada to the U.S. as an energy supplier is not news to former Democratic presidential candidate Gore. Back in January Bill Clinton's old V-P accused the oil industry of financing the election of "ultra-conservative" Harper to protect their interests in the oilsands.

"The election in Canada was partly about the tarsands projects in Alberta," Gore told a crowd at the Sundance film festival in Utah. "The financial interests behind the tarsands poured a lot of money and support behind an ultra-conservative leader in order to win the election ... and to protect their interests."

Apparently Gore was unaware that Canadian election law caps company donations at $1,000 a year, or that natural resources are controlled by provincial governments and not the feds. But why let facts get in the way of a good smear?

This week he was at it again, using an interview with Rolling Stone magazine to suggest development of the oilsands is "truly nuts" - equivalent to a junkie looking for a fix. "They have to tear up four tonnes of landscape, all for one barrel of oil," moaned Gore. "It seems reasonable, to them, because they've lost sight of their lives."

Well, thanks for that Al, but I'm guessing most Albertans have a better grip on their lives than a political also-ran who can't get over the fact he lost the presidency to George W. Or the fact his former boss, Bill Clinton, refused to submit to the U.S. Congress a Gore-negotiated Kyoto accord that would have crippled the American economy.

For all the endless, repetitive speculations about George Bush's supposed Daddy Complex, you'd think Maureen Dowd could write one column about this shell-shocked, heart-broken, agony-twisted empty suit of man.

It's like Death of a Salesman, except with fat people.

Thanks to Fred Z.

Posted by: Ace at 12:46 PM | Comments (13)
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I think we're all shocked that Michael Jackson was shocked.

A wide-eyed Michael Jackson testified he "was shocked" when he saw a video of his ex-associate [Marc Schaffel] actively directing a gay porn film, according to videotaped deposition shown in court yesterday.

...

"I was shocked by what I saw. ... [Schaffel] was directing two guys. They were naked from head to toe ... and he was telling one what to do with the other and he grabbed their penis or something," said Jackson, who was dressed in a dark, striped, button-down shirt.

"I didn't believe it!" said Jackson, who had a house full of hard-core heterosexual porn magazines and DVDs when cops searched it in November 2003 before his arrest on child molestation charges.

That, to me, is the most baffling part of this story.

Schaffel's lawyer, Howard King, asked Jackson if he was shocked by the "gay-themed show." But the entertainer said he was shocked to learn Schaffel had been "in that circle."

Jackson, who has twice been accused of sexually molesting teenage boys but never convicted, said he didn't think "mothers" would approve of his association with someone who made "gay pornography."

He's worried that moms won't let kids sleep over and drink Jesus Juice anymore?

If they know he associates with a gay-porn dude?

So, what, doinking the kids doesn't rate?

In an earlier trial brief, King warned that if the singer [denied knowing about his porn career], Schaffel was prepared to reveal "their intimate discussions" and discuss "Jackson's sexual proclivities."

...

In earlier testimony yesterday, Schaffel shed more light on a top-secret $300,000 cash payment he made to someone in South America immediately after Jackson was charged with molestation.

He said the money went to someone he labeled "Mr. X" in Argentina. He said it was "a very private transaction of a very sensitive nature for Mr. Jackson" and that he didn't record it in his business ledger at the time because "it was during the criminal matter."

In related news, Tommy Lee reports he was "stunned" to hear that Motley Crue guitarist Nikki Sixx was a heroin addict. Lee says he should have been more alert to the "early warning signs" of his bandmate's addiction, such as 1) his name was "Nikki Sixx" and 2) he was a guitarist for Motley Crue.

Also, Joannie Cunningham states she is "gobsmacked and dumbstruck" to learn that Jenny Piccolo french kisses, despite the fact she was voted her high's school's "Girl Most Likely To Be An Automatic First-Date Third-Base."

Posted by: Ace at 11:41 AM | Comments (12)
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Joeratory!

AcePilots thinks it's pretty funny that the self-styled "tough" left-liberal crowd is all a-twitter that Lieberman all but bent Lamont over the podium and did him on live television.

Not in a gay way, you understand.

Like a Viking.

Allah's got the video of this nasty, arrogant, angry (Republican...?) performance, edited down to a few short minutes of Joepprobium and Joeppression.

Posted by: Ace at 11:11 AM | Comments (13)
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Another correction: It's that kind of day. See below.

And so it goes:

Bob Mulholland, senior advisor to Democratic nominee Phil Angelides, aims for controversy this morning, saying: "With North Korea leader Kim Jong-Il back in the news, it reminds me that he and Schwarzenegger have something in common. Both have their shoes specifically made to add a couple inches of lift. What we donÂ’t know is does Kim Jong-Il have his shoes made by SchwarzeneggerÂ’s shoemaker in Italy."

...

In 2003, Mulholland warned Arnold Schwarzenegger that "real bullets" will be coming his way during his campaign to be governor.

"Schwarzenegger is going to find out, that unlike a Hollywood movie set, the bullets coming at him in this campaign are going to be real bullets and he is going to have to respond to them," warned Mulholland.

I hate to be all lookist and stuff, but really. Bob Mulholland is taking a shot at Arnold Schwarzenegger's physical specs.

Arnie's a little short. That's not really a secret. It's sort of funny that Bob thinks that dishing on someone's appearance-enhancement is going to win points in... California.

You ever see this guy? I'm sure you have. He returns like a plague every two years to stick his foot in his nasty mouth.

The tubes of the internet are conspicuously free of pics of this cat, so you'll have to settle for this really small, really grainy one. Trust me, a better picture would only make it worse.

So, that's the dude taking shots at Arnold's height. I haven't seen shoulders that narrow since my old Tyco toy racetrack.

And, for good measure, a previous quote threatening the Governor with "real bullets."

Strong. Tough.

Fat, ugly, and bald.

Talking "peace" while constantly threatening political violence.

Layers.

Pic from OCBlog.net, which doesn't seem to like Bob at all.

Correction: I originally made the "real bullets" thing the headline of this post. But I failed to notice that was a quote from the 2003 recall campaign. It's not, then, new news.

Still ugly. But not news.

Thanks to Craig for alerting me to my loose shit.

Posted by: Ace at 10:58 AM | Comments (21)
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He's the guy who linked Michelle Malkin's criticism of a UC-Santa Cruz president with her subsequent suicide.

He wrote me to correct my spelling of his name.

It's spelled "Weigel," not "Wiegel."

cheers,
DW

I wrote back:

Thanks. I'll get right on that.

PS, are you feeling okay? I hope my errant spelling of your name hasn't sunk you into the black depths of suicide or anything.

Choose Life,

Ace

He's a good sport, though. I asked him if I could print this and he said okay.

Not a big deal. But I hate wasting a decent joke in an email.

Posted by: Ace at 10:29 AM | Comments (6)
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Note correction at bottom.

Don't leftists pretend to love the lower classes?

Did they just decide to stop that whole charade, or what?

Jeremy Clarkson, a British certified psychokinetic atomic fissionist, visits the US, and seems to hate the poor. He doesn't mention the race of the people he so despises, but, given he's ragging on the Mississippi poor, it seems likely that a lot of the people he hates are black.

And, unfortunately, these people at the bottom of the food chain have no intellect at all. Reasoning with them is like reasoning with a tree. I think this is because people in the sticks have stopped marrying their cousins and are now mating with vegetables.

They certainly aren’t eating them. You see them growing in fields, but all you ever find on a menu is cheese, cheese, cheese, or cheese with cheese. Except for a steak and cheese sandwich I bought in Mississippi. This was made, according to the label, from “imitation cheese”.

Nope, I donÂ’t know what that is either but I do know that out of the main population centres, the potato people are getting fatter and dimmer by the minute.

Strong. Tough.

Anti-poor, anti-black.

And not even pretending anymore.

Correction: Tina tells me Clarkson is not a lefty.

Jeremy Clarkson isn't a leftist by any means. He hosts a tv show about cars where he mocks diesel, hybrids, and public transportation. He also gets bonus points for parking illegally on tv while pointing out that the fine for the ticket was cheaper than parking charges in London.

I don't know if that really proves the point, but I obviously made an assumption I couldn't back up, and now I have to climb down.

Anyway. Fine. He's just a sneering, sniveling, anti-American elitist Eurotwit.

And let's face it, even British Tories are left-liberals by American standards.

(Put the shovel down and stop digging, Ace...)

Posted by: Ace at 10:10 AM | Comments (15)
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