Somehow, I don't think the Daily Kos will be doing a major retrospective.

Communism, in a very real way, is slavery. The only difference between a traditional "slave" (as some Muslim communities still practice) and a Communist slave is who holds the whip. It doesn't matter to the slave if the whip is held by an individual or an actor of the state, he is still a slave, and slavery cannot be tolerated.

So on this day, with the anniversay of the collapse of the Soviet Union on the horizon, I urge you, my meager readership to think about the existance of Communist slaves the world over. Realize that our fellow human beings are held in bondage and prevented the very freedoms we all too often take for granted. I urge you not to fear the rise of Communism in South America or it's continued presence in China, Cuba and N. Korea, instead I urge you to despise it as the citizens of the Soviet Union came to. Recognize that "Che worship" is the worship of oppressors and those that would enslave other men to their will, to their dictates. The concept that a state can make better decisions for an individual is an truly evil concept. To deny an individual the control of their own destiny is to encourage evil in the world. To fail to support Democracy is to support the imposition of another's will on the individual.

He says that like it's a bad thing.

Posted by: Ace at 09:50 AM | Comments (20)
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A story that's been big here. They sentenced him.

Here come the judge. All rise.

A former judge convicted of exposing himself while presiding over jury trials by using a sexual device under his robe was sentenced Friday to four years in prison.

Donald Thompson had spent almost 23 years on the bench and had served as a state legislator before retiring from the court in 2004. He showed no reaction when he was sentenced.

At his trial this summer, his former court reporter, Lisa Foster, testified that she saw Thompson expose himself at least 15 times during trial between 2001 and 2003. Prosecutors said he also used a device known as a penis pump during at least four trials in the same period.

He entered a plea of "That's not my bag, baby."

His actual defense is, well, sort of limp:

Thompson, a married father of three grown children, testified that the penis pump was given to him as a joke by a longtime hunting and fishing buddy.

"It wasn't something I was hiding," he said.

He said he may have absentmindedly squeezed the pump's handle during court cases but never used it to masturbate.

Absentmindedly. He had this pump on his dorkbat, under his robes, during a trial, and he may have absentmindedly squeezed it a few times, like Humphrey Bogart absentmindedly working those ball bearings and then screaming in climax, "Oh God yes, Mess Boys! Take those strawberries! Take it! TAKE IT!!!"

Sad, he used to have the reputation of being a "hanging judge"... now, not so much.

It actually gets worse:

Foster told authorities that she saw Thompson use the device almost daily during the August 2003 murder trial of a man accused of shaking a toddler to death. A whooshing sound could be heard on Foster's audiotape of the trial. When jurors asked the judge about the sound, Thompson said he hadn't heard it but would listen for it.

...

Investigators later checked the carpet, Thompson's robes and the chair behind the bench and found semen, according to court records.

He absentmindedly busted a nut.

...

"Thompson's denial of the offense would likely present difficulty, if not inability for treatment providers to provide meaningful and beneficial sex-offender treatment," [a senior probations officer] said.

Well, they could at least share war stories.

Whatever way you slice it, it's a sad say for the Ace of Spades Lifestyle (TM).

Thanks to Del, who notes that while the SF Chron identifies him as a "former state legislator," there's a more proper way to refer to him. As a "former Democratic state legislator."

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

In related news, I'm writing a trilogy about this judge and his polymorphously perverse pansexual exploits, to be called, in order, Oral Arguments, Hung Jury, and Penal Colony.

Posted by: Ace at 09:41 AM | Comments (28)
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Warning: Contains pick of naked chick hugging a dead pig, and she's not nearly hot enough to justify clicking on it at work.

Although the dead pig has a cute little butt.

After pickled sheep, unmade beds and painting with elephant dung, some questioned where modern art could go next.

Kira O'Reilly will provide her own answer today by spending four hours naked, hugging a dead pig - at the taxpayer's expense.

The controversial Irish performance artist will invite one person at a time to watch her sit in a specially-constructed set and perform a 'crushing slow dance' with the carcass in her arms.

She claims the bizarre exhibition is an attempt to 'identify' with the pig, which she cuts with a knife during the show.

I like the basic idea, but I think we can improve on it. How about, instead of this pasty, shapeless art-hag, we have a smokin' hot porn actress like Celeste?

And instead of a dead pig, I'm thinking, "live clydesdale suffering from chronic priapism."

Now that's my kind of art.

Thanks to Lance.

Posted by: Ace at 09:26 AM | Comments (31)
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The man just doesn't break character:

Adam Sandler is doing his part to help Israel following its 34-day war with Lebanon. The 50 First Dates star announced earlier this week he would donate 400 Sony Playstations to Israelis whose homes were damaged in the fighting. The 39-year-old made the pledge during a meeting in Hollywood with Ehud Danoch, Israel's consul general in Los Angeles.

A very nice gesture, and a totally Sandleresque response to disaster relief. There's very little that can focus a kid's mind to the exclusion of all else like a videogame. (Send over some of the now-very-cheap original Spyhunter games, too -- it's awesome.)

Although a better repsonse might have been to take a page from the Warriors of Courage from the left and just film a videotape lecturing the kids, "Hey, kids. Don't be such wussies. It's just a little month long uninterrupted Nazi buzz-bomb campaign targeting your homes and schools. Man up, and stop with the crying before I come over there and give you something to cry about. I'll give you a Sonny-Corleone-beat-down, trashcan-slam and kick in the guts at no extra charge."

In related news, Barbara Streisand has offered to send over 1000 copies of The Mirror Has Two Faces, but the Israelis have asked, "How about a couple of dozen copies of Tiger Woods' Golf?"

From Crosblog, who's now mad at himself for not seeing Click. It's still in the theaters. And there's always Grandma's Boy.

Posted by: Ace at 09:08 AM | Comments (10)
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Seattle Times hosting Snakes on A Plane haiku contest, though RLW wonders how you construct a proper SOAP haiku without the word "motherfuckin'."

73% fresh at Rotten Tomatoes, but if you read carefully, a lot of these reviews are along the lines of "shit sandwich, but that's just what I was in the mood for."

Plus, I think -- seriously-- they're afraid to review it badly. Critics are always complaining that when they pan a film enjoyed by 14 year old boys, like the sub-trainable Star Wars sequels, they get hundreds of angry, abusive, even threatening emails. Some even feel the need to respond to these complaints in the next week's column.

One review says that people may be disappointed that it's not actually bad, which is, I have to say, sort of what I was hoping for. I like movies that are so bad they're actually great, like The Avengers, Batman & Robin, and the unbelievably, laugh-out-loud bad First Knight.

Posted by: Ace at 08:33 AM | Comments (45)
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The bombs might have resulted in a 7/7 type disaster, but for the fact they were technically retarded.

Butch up, Medienkritk. Be a man. Don't sweat the small stuff.

They didn't actually go off, right? Then what are you complaining about, sissy?

There's nothing wrong with some of these rightwing nancyboys that couldn't be cured by a haircut and a strong dose of vaginal sex.

Posted by: Ace at 08:23 AM | Comments (18)
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Okay, he didn't say "Jews." But he doesn't have to. It's implied.

Sharpton, who is considering another run for president, faulted Hollywood and the record industry for making "gangsterism" seem cool and acceptable.

"We have got to get out of this gangster mentality, acting as if gangsterism and blackness are synonymous," he said. "I think that challenge has to be given to Hollywood and the record industry. I think we've allowed a whole generation of young people to feel that if they're focused, they're not black enough. If they speak well and act well, they're acting white, and there's nothing more racist than that."

Hollywood. The record industry. See? Jews. And probably Korean grocers, too, though I'm not sure how powerful Korean grocers are in the recording industry.

Pundits are calling this Sharpton's "Sister Souljah moment," which was all the more daring, because at the precise time he made these remarks he was actually attempting to convince Sister Souljah to pick up his hotel bill for him.

Thanks to RobG.

Posted by: Ace at 08:00 AM | Comments (42)
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The left prides itself on its "freethinking," and castigates the right for "repeating the Bush/Rove mantra," but the left sure just seems to repeat the same blog-propagated nonsense over and over.

Their big one right now (and for a few months) is that they're all too "manly" to be a-sacared of terrorists. Whereas we "piss our diapers" at the thought of "brown people." With "vasline." Or even "peroxide-based slurry liquid bombs."

We're such chickens. Bwak, bwak.

As threads are a good place for catharsis, I thought I might do the dextrosphere the service of providing a thread where you can admit your abject terror and mind-numbing fear at all the events in the world-- assuming, of course, you can keep your hands from trembling long enough to actually type on a keyboard.

I'd wish you all "Courage," but I have none to give. My teeth are chattering so damn hard I can barely think above the din.

Whoops, I just made a mess in my boxers again. I thought of a "brown person" and was so overcome by shirt-drenching fear I lost all involuntary control over my excretory system. Let me lock the doors, peek out the windows for "brown people," and wash myself, and I'll be back as soon as I'm done having a terror-induced conniption on the floor.

I schedule those for around 12 every day. It's good for the abs. It's like a cardio version of Pilades.

Nothing To See Here Folks Update: On the flight-disrupting Pakistani-pen-pal woman, who did in fact have a screwdriver:

"She made reference to being with people associated with two words," the affidavit said. "She stated that she could not say what the two words were because the last time that she had said the two words she had been kicked off a flight in the United Arab Emirates."

What were those homo pussyboy faggit Air Marshals thinking, overreacting to a perfectly-innocent and not-at-all worrying statement like that?

Fuckin' fruitcakes we have in the Air Marshal corps. I'm surprised they found the time to subdue her in between shitting themselves and blowing each other.

True Tales of Terror From Aos: Wiserbud--

While walking form the parking garage to my office this morning, I heard what sounded like the soft mewling of a kitten from out of an alley. I froze in terror, unable to move, as the sound came closer and closer to me. I eventually became so overcome with terror that I bolted back to my car, raced home and have been working from under my bed ever since (thank you, wireless connection.)

I have no proof, but I am sure that it was not a kitten, but was, in reality, a "go" signal of the surburban terrorist. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but someday soon, I am sure I will be proven correct in my assumption.

Then who'll be laughing, huh? HUH?

That poor man. I shudder to think how he'll soldier on with the mental scars from this horrific encounter.

Posted by: Ace at 07:31 AM | Comments (227)
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The first one.

There are going to be a lot of these, so I won't be linking them all. But this one's pretty good, even if there is no evidence whatsoever to indicate he actually saw the movie.

Besides Samuel L. Jackson, Snakes on a Plane's main strengths are:

1) Snakes
2) A plane
3) On

Posted by: Ace at 07:22 AM | Comments (15)
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Bugs

Bugs! Bugs! Bugsbugsbugs! Bugs! Shitbastard!

The View From Your Window

Thanks to Nii'ainy'glathh'hurk, from Yoggoth.

Painting Your Walls With Your Own Feces

Eh, why not? On Trading Spaces they're always saying rooms need a "pop" of color.

Bush: Satan

VOICES IN MY HEAD TELLING ME KILL KILL KILL BUT I IGNORE THEM I TRY TO IGNORE THEM GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH PLEASE PLEASE I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS WHAT IS THAT SMELL COMING FROM MY REFRIGERATOR OH GOD NO WHAT HAVE I DONE

Email of the Day

Andrew, I just wanted to compliment your bravery on your post "Bugs." You captured a feeling deep in the heart of this country, but which too many are afraid to express. When you write "Bugs! Bugs! Bugs!," you sum up the frustration of millions of Americans who are tired of seeing Bush/Cheney transdimensional parasitic beetles burrowing into their skulls and devouring their cortex fluid.

And when you write "BugsBugsBugs! Shitbastard!," you give me hope that the incompetence of Donald Rumsfeld will one day come to an end, and that the nine foot tall centipede who has taken the place of my wife will finally be exposed as the Infiltrator Insect it is.

Thank you for your courage and independence, and keep on bugsbugsbugsbubsbugs! Dirty ratwhore soup! Bugs!

Thanks to reader "Good Andrew" for that, who is the "Other Andrew" who hides in my left eyeball when "Bad Andrew" is looking for him. "Bad Andrew" does... things to "Good Andrew." Terrible things.

We must talk of this no more. He's coming.

Oh, hi, Bad Andrew! I was thinking of you! I bought you some pants at the Gap!

Why... why are you holding that meat-cleaver, Bad Andrew? Talk to me... I don't like it when you stare like that...

Don't you want to try on your new khakis? They're pleated.

Was I... not supposed to buy... pleats?

Please answer me. Please answer me.

Bugs!

...

Cognitive dissonance. It's not just a river in Egypt.

Welcome, Corner Readers: I don't know if this was linked on the Corner, but you should know what this post is about.

Andrew Sullivan actually "aired" the theory that Cheney and Rumsfeld deliberately lost the War in Iraq so as to not have to bother with that nation-building nonsense after they shock and awe Iran. This is most unhinged of his recent conspiracy-theory peddling -- and the third one in a week.

So I'm not just batting him around because I don't like him. I'm batting him around because he's gone batty.

...

Thanks to McGurk for the graphic. And the post. It inspired me.

more...

Posted by: Ace at 07:18 AM | Comments (90)
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