Shut up, Dave, I don't care if it's old.

Chris sends this gallery of parodies of those annoying inspirational posters, except they're for dorks. D&D jokes, Ash from Evil Dead, Cthulhu, James Bond, Darth Vader, crap like that. Couple of funny ones:

Cthulhu. With topical reference.

Optimus Prime, I think.

Kind of hit and miss, with a lot of obvious or just dumb ones, but some real gems scattered throughout.

1d8 gems worth 1d6x1000 gp each, to be precise. Plus, a 50% chance of a map.

Oooooh... a map. Something you can get for $3.95 at a friggin' gas station.

Map.

If I were a a DM, I'd give away nothing but maps, just to be a dick. And all the maps would lead to secret hiding places of, yes, other maps.

Another Good One: Check out Fantasy Football on this page.

Obvious, yes. But some things need to be said enough times that they sink in.

Posted by: Ace at 01:15 PM | Comments (32)
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The boss at Rightalk (is he really a boss if he doesn't pay me? Not sure on that one) sends this observation:

I've been reading all the reports this morning and the one salient point that is not being pointed out by the MSM and the blogosphere is the impact of the "new democrat sign ups" in Connecticut.



Leiberman lost by 10k votes. Yet prior to the primary over 14k "new' (aka college age KOS kids) voters registered to vote as dems and over 14k "unaffiliated" (aka Greens, socialists, disaffected hippies) switched to the dem party. Their only purpose was to slam Leiberman.



It was these swing voters that swung the primary victory to Lamont.

The American Green Party

Almost as moderate as COBRA from the GI Joe cartoon.

This is a big experiment. The Republicans learned, from Reagan, then in 1994, then in 2004, that playing to the base is a sound electoral strategy. You bring out a lot of voters who usually don't vote for you because they think you're too establishment and sell-out, and you don't alienate as many "moderates" (in the old sense of the word, pre-NYT redefinition) as you'd think.

After all, the moderates have only four choices: You, them, some other guys, or sitting it out. Only one of those choices actually hurts you.

Even when you play to the base, you still seem to get those moderates who might be a little bothered by the party's "extremism" but they still believe in enough of the program to pull the lever for you.

The liberals are trying this now. They scored a modest (and as of yet incomplete) success in Connecticut. I wonder if it will actually play for them as well-- can they tack hard to the left and get more of the left's votes while retaining most of their moderate, loosely-affiliated Dem-leaning voters?

The big question is whether pure liberalism is as much of a turn-off as we assume it to be. On one hand, self-identified conservatives outnumber self-identified liberals by at least 3:2 and almost 2:1 (something like 33-20); but, on the other hand, how many liberals actually call themselves "liberal"?

It's only the total moonbat goofballs who admit they're liberals.

You always get that "I don't believe in labels" horsehit. Which means a lot of non-labels-believing liberals just call themselves moderates when asked.

So, the NYT might have a minor point: a lot of self-defined moderates (i.e., fringe lefties) did in fact vault Lamont to a narrow win.

The question remains how many moderates are actually moderate, how many moderates are really liberals who don't want to admit it, and how many of those will be alienated when they get a taste of genuine, revanchist 1968'er liberalism?

I don't know. I hope the answer is that the Democrats are driving off the edge of a cliff, but I can't rule out the West Wing thesis, that what the public actually craves is a return of Summer of Woodstock straight-up-no-chaser left-liberalism.

Posted by: Ace at 11:59 AM | Comments (60)
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[Re-Posting because, with all these new readers, I kind of want to let them know there was a time when I was actually funny. Plus, I love this piece. I still giggle at it.]

For some time, I've been casting about looking for guest contributors who could help shoulder the blogging load. Recently I received the following essay in an email, and I think the writer's words are important for all of us.

If You Touch My Hoagie One More Time, I Will Fucking Kill You

by Rich "Psycho" Giamboni
Special Guest Columnist for Ace of Spades HQ

If you touch my hoagie one more time, I will fucking kill you. I don't mean that metaphorically. I mean I will fucking reach across this table and literally, physically kill you.

You had your fun. You thought you were cute. You thought it was clown-time, and you were driving the little car. You touched the top of my turkey and provolone hoagie, and now I've had to rip off the piece of bread that you fucking contaminated.

Well I've got news for you, Chuckles. Clown-time is over. Now it's Psycho-Time. And if you touch my goddamned hoagie one more time, I'm going to fuck you up so bad you'll end up looking like Kuato from Total Recall.

more...

Posted by: Ace at 11:51 AM | Comments (36)
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This used to be such a nice neighborhood until the, you know, Sith started moving in.

I'm not a bigot. I'm sure there are a lot of Sith who are really cool guys. I'm sure the vast majority of Sith have no interest in controlling the Galaxy and killing all who oppose them.

But.

I'm just tired of them hasseling me when I go out to the laundromat. Yeah, the telekinetic choking gag. That never gets old, guys.

Grow up. Get jobs, why don't you, and stop hanging out in front of the 7-Eleven drinking Big Gulps and making disparaging remarks about "Fringers."

Thanks to Blogger Ale, who suggested this as a Lieberman parody, but that would take photoshopping to pull off, and I can't manage that.

Posted by: Ace at 10:14 AM | Comments (15)
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"I'm a stringer photographer! Yayyyyyy!!! I'm a stringer photographer!! Yayyyyy!!! I'm a stringer photographer! Yaayyyyyy!!! Yayyyyyy!!! Yaayyyyyyy!!!"

At least I assume that's real. I haven't been told that the helmet was p-shopped. If it was, well, then there's not much of a joke here.

On to the p-shop. If someone posts a really killer p-shop that makes you giggle, is it okay to just swipe it and post it on your site, and then just say "hat-tip to this other dude over here"?

It's not? Are you sure?

Okay. Damnit.

"It's what the Jews do! It's all they do! And they absolutely will not stop until all adorable stuffed animals are dead! DEAD!"

Thanks to William S., or "Willis," as I call him, for the former and Digital Brownshirt for the latter.

An Inspirational Picture: Gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling.

In my pants. That "Fallen, Hurt" guy without the shirt-- yum! If I were there, I'd check his junk for a pulse.

He's as lithe and smooth as a friggin' otter dipped in transmission fluid.*

* Rule Quadruple Zero: Don't give away a joke in a gmail chat to a blogger who is not above a little swiping.

Posted by: Ace at 09:37 AM | Comments (17)
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Headline :Truck Filled With Penguins Overturns.

Adnan Hajj was on the scene to photograph what appeared to be EIGHT MILLION penguins, all wailing over burning Korans, weeping over bomb-blasted Teletubby dolls, and producing movies about Jewish Penguins drinking the blood of Muslim baby-penguins, with a Hezbollah dude in foreground pointing an AK-47 at them from atop a hill.

Opening paragraph of the day:

A Brazilian man died Tuesday when he tried to open what police believe was a rocket-propelled grenade with a sledgehammer in a mechanical workshop on the outskirts of Rio de Janeiro.

How absurd. You NEVER smash a rocket propelled grenade with a sledgehammer in an ENCLOSED SPACE, dude. Always do it outdoors. This allows the explosion to occupy a greater volume with lesser force when it, inevitably, blows your fucking head off.

Police found several unexploded army issue rocket-propelled grenades in the workshop. They believe the ammunition had been brought there by scavengers wanting to sell them as scrap metal, but they also are investigating a possible link to Rio's heavily armed drug gangs who often raid military bases.

The survivor of the blast, who was rushed to the hospital with third-degree burns, is being investigated by the police for suspcion of being a "moderate."

Thanks to tmi3rd for the latter.

Posted by: Ace at 09:16 AM | Comments (33)
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You heard it here first-- the Daily Kos is not going to like this.

That's my prediction, and if I'm wrong, I'll eat the "fallen," "hurt" guy's hat.

Via The Influence Peddler, who reports, if you haven't heard, the Israelis are a go for the Litani River, a major "escalation" and "disproportionate response" in this war of Zionist Aggressions.

The Security Cabinet vote was unanimous.

Yeah.... the days of unanamity for the proposition that a nation ought to defend itself. I remember those days.

The days when we had the "moderates" on board.

Well, not really. The "moderates" we never even in favor of military action against the Taliban, except maybe a cruise missile here or there to appease the knuckle-dragging troglodtyes like yourselves.

But they pretended. And I'll always have warm memories of the days when they used to bother to lie.

Posted by: Ace at 08:36 AM | Comments (40)
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You know what we call these people?

"Moderates."

In Wardrobe Door's other blog, Two or Three, he reports on one of Cynthia McKinney's thug-life bodyguards slugging a member of the press because he accidentally brushed him with a boom mike or the like.

Did I call him a thug?

I meant "Moderate."

Posted by: Ace at 07:54 AM | Comments (37)
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They write that the correct "fall and got hurt" caption ran with the print version of that day's paper.

But the "dead bodies" buried "under the rubble" captain ran with the online slide show that was put up that same day.

So that was a pretty big, um, mistake by the Times' web division, wasn't it? Do they not bother reading their paper's own captions?

Alas, it's not the Big Enchilada I had first hoped for. It's just typical Times' sloppiness, incompetence, and willingness to mislead.

Thanks to Michelle for the heads up.

Posted by: Ace at 07:50 AM | Comments (18)
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Via Mr. James Treacher.

The part with the X-Ray machine is nifty. Being an easily-amused simpleton has its advantages.

Posted by: LauraW. at 07:17 AM | Comments (9)
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