All "Do not want," alas, except for Reno 911. more...

Posted by: Ace at 02:58 PM | Comments (30)
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You know those thousands of notebooks "John Doe" had in Seven, just filled with nonsensical obsessive schizophrenic ramblings?

John Doe just emailed me to say, "Dude, Courtney Love could use a filter."

He then told me that a box was about to be delivered to me. Oh, goody! I love surprise gifts!

I think it's probably a pony. Fingers crossed!

Thanks to steve_in_hb.

Yeah, I'm buying she wrote her own songs.

You guys think I write long? Make sure you just take a gander at the lower-case second part of her rambling.

Posted by: Ace at 01:21 PM | Comments (24)
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No spoilers. Don't even hint about spoilers; people are smart and figure that stuff out.

Link your own reviews but if it has spoilers put up a big fat warning about that.

As for the well-publicized deaths of major characters in it: Obviously, don't say who they are or hint about who they are by job or age. Just say whether it worked for you or felt contrived etc. Unfortunately I got a spoiler (I think) in this regard.

I'll put up a discussion thread with spoilers allowed in... what? A week? That should be enough time.

I'm going to try to read it, just to be part of the whole dealio, but really, I do lose patience when JK Rowling insists of giving me every single trivial detail of a conversation, including those who may be "gasping" or "squealing" in response to the last statement made, and goes on and on about the Weasley parents' pet-names for each other.

I usually put these down after one hundred pages have gone by and nothing at all has happened.

Incidentally, the Order of the Phoenix was the best Harry Potter movie yet. The rest have been okay enough to sit through with a girlfriend or kids; not actually something you'd want to see on your own, but effective enough that you weren't actually annoyed at having to see them. The last one is actually worth seeing without any obligation to take someone else to see it. Not great, but enjoyable even for a non-fan. more...

Posted by: Ace at 12:21 PM | Comments (77)
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Oh, dear! Greg Sergeant of TPM's got the smoking gun! (Don't click; I'll give you the link for the vid in a sec.)

Being a New Yorker, I'd remembered that during a cop union rally in 1992, Rudy had come unhinged and screamed, "Bulls#$t!"

For some time now I've been meaning to track video of this moment down. I thought it might tell us something about the reliability and temperament of this man who is asking us to make him our next Commander in Chief -- especially now that he's trying to win the support of GOP "values voters."

Oh yes, "values voters" are so terribly worried about the word "bullshit!" You got us, Greg!

Funny how I, a "values voter," can write the word "Bullshit" whereas Greg Sergeant must resort to "Bulls#%!."

Here's the video of the unhinged mayor candidate Giuliani saying "Bullshit!" about Dinkins' claims that low police morale is somehow due to Giuliani stating that police had low morale under Dinkins.

Indeed, he does appear unhinged -- somehow the volcanic black anger burning inside of him like tumors of pure hatred is able to cause the video to suddenly jump-zoom on his face the moment he speaks The Forbidden Word of Ultimate Blasphemy. His very utterance of the word causes the video to zoom in frighteningly, almost as if someone had manipulated the tape for this effect.

For the love of God, the man is grinning when he says bullshit.

The new left. Not just pussies, but puritanical pussies to boot.

Giuliani uses a word you can fucking say on basic cable now, Fred Thompson has had a "colorful and far-ranging sex life" as a bachelor... I just don't know how the "values voters" can handle the shocking details of the depraved libertines we laughingly call "candidates for president."

Update: Rudy Giuliani just wrote me to say:

I hear Greg Sergeant digs on cock.

COCK!

PS, don't quote me on that "cock" part. "Values voters" couldn't handle it. Say something like, "He enjoys a colorful and far-ranging sex life, as we'll all sure find out."

PPS, Really liked the titty video. But no Salma Hayek from Desperado? Really bad oversight. It's Bullshit that wasn't included. ; ) (winking smiley face) You really should post more nudity. Don't be such a fag, dude.

PPPS, now that I think about it, maybe keep it quiet I like tits too, huh? Instead of telling your "values voters" readers I liked the titty video, maybe tell them instead I enjoy a nice hot cup of camomille tea while crocheting sweaters with inspirational messages on them? Like that thing about walking with Jesus on the beach? Where Jesus suddenly levitates or whatever so he doesn't leave footprints? I forget how it goes. Probably wouldn't fit on a sweater anyway. I guess just go back to saying I like a nice pair of jugs, but only if "tastefully" displayed. Like maybe packed inside a nice crocheted sweater featuring an inspirational message about Jesus flying around like an F-22, leaving no footprints, and then maybe buzzing the tower like in Top Gun and making Tom Skerritt spill coffee on himself. Again, I'm not really sure how that goes, but I'm pretty sure Jesus flies at some point. Or turns into a robot. Something like that.

PPPPS, this whole thing about Jesus not leaving any footprints is really starting to bother me. It's like one of those mysteries you read and you love but two weeks later you can't for the life of you remember the solution and it drives you crazy. Look, the two guys are walking on the beach, right? And yet there's only one set of footprints? Damnit, that's a stumper. Is it a trick question type deal? Like there's only one set of footprints, but the Transformer/Messiah JesusRobot left behind a set of treadprints? Or is that cheating? Does a seagull and/or kryptonite figure into this riddle at all?

PPPPPS, has it ever been established that beach in question is on earth? Maybe there's no gravity. Let me know if that's it.

PPPPPPS, actually, at this point, maybe "values voters" might hold it against me that I can't remember how to solve this riddle. And that I've suggested that the Lamb of God was some sort of holy cyborg. Maybe it's better if you just didn't publish this email at all, huh?

Sorry, Mayor. Already hit "post." I'll try to keep this damaging email hidden from "vaules voters" expert Greg Sergeant, though.

Posted by: Ace at 11:39 PM | Comments (83)
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Wish I knew who wrote this.

Dear New Republic,

When I was stationed on our lunar base we driving the lunar rover around and the guy was at the wheel really liked to run over those moon dogs. The problem was when he would hit them they would go flying off into outer space because of the lower gravity. It was more fun when we were in Irak and could cut them in half.

After spending the day doing that we got back to base we went to the chow hall and there was this chick astronaut there who had been burned when the rocket she was ridding in exploded. My friend thought she was gross but I said I wanted to do her. She got upset at this and put on her space suit and left the chow hall. Boy did we laugh.

Well, I gotta go but next time I'll write about the mass grave we found in a crater and the really funny shit this one guy did with a skull and his space suit helmet...it's funny shit man.

Look forward to seeing my stuff on the website.

Posted by: Ace at 11:24 PM | Comments (17)
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DP provided me with the details of the post and it seems to just be a cross-posing of this post. He told me the post was titled "KILLITARY" (in caps, by the way); it didn't take long to discover the beauty excerpted below.

DP writes back to say this is the diary he read on Kos... but softened now:

What you posted most recently is significantly similar to what the diarist at Kos posted. However, I can tell you clearly that the first line, “saying not all soldiers are serial killers” was NOT in this diary. After getting several negative responses in the thread, the diarist did try to backtrack a bit by making a similar disclaimer, but this was not in the original diary. I think the diarist did use the bulk of the post you put up, but he changed it.

The original point was clear, the military turns people into serial killers and rapists.

So, here it is. More troop-supportin' from those red-white-and-true-blue star-spangled super-patriots of the Daily Kos, the preferred Hate Site of Jet Blue Airlines.

Tell a friend.

KILLITARY: Are America's Armed Forces Creating Serial Killers and Mass Murderers?

This article in no way is meant to suggest that all miltary members will become serial killers or mass murderers. It does point out a serious problem with what is happening in our armed forces and seeks a solution to help the brave men and women on their return back home.

According to the July 30, 2007 issue of The Nation magazine, damning photos of a U.S. Soldier using a spoon to literally scoop out the brains of a dead Iraqi and pretending to eat the gray matter were recently acquired.

Of course, everyone is appropriately appalled and make all claims of disgust and finger-wagging. Research shows, however, that such unacceptable behavior happens more often than the United States military wants you to know.

When it comes to training killing machines, the military really does create "an Army of one."

The list of serial killers and mass murderers borne from the military is astounding.

Full Metal Jacket's proud support of UT Tower sniper Charles Whitman's marksmanship notwithstanding, you just aren't going to hear a whole lot about the training ground of killers that are bred to slaughter, maim, and torture and then dumped on our streets upon their return.

Here are just a few of the more memorable individuals who received the best training in the United States military and returned to prowl our country's streets and commit terrorist attacks of a different nature:

Charles Whitman - former Marine sniper who killed his wife, mother, and then proceeded to the University of Texas Tower and picked off sixteen people using his sniping skills.

Dean Corll - former Army man and serial killer known as the "Candy Man" who killed at least 27 young boys and buried them in a storage facility in Houston, Texas.

David Berkowitz AKA "The Son of Sam" - New York serial killer and former Army vet who shot and killed at least six people during the 1970s.

Jeffrey Dahmer - former Army vet and Milwaukee cannibal who murdered at least sixteen young boys and men. He performed experiments on some of the victims and ate others.

Timothy McVeigh (pictured above) - Former Gulf War Army vet responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing.

...

In 2000, CPT Pete Kilner presented his paper, Military LeadersÂ’ Obligation to Justify Killing in War, before the Joint Services Conference on Professional Ethics in Washington D.C. He was there to present his thesis that "the methods that the military currently uses to train and execute combat operations enable soldiers to kill the enemy effectively, but they leave the soldiers liable to post-combat psychological trauma caused by guilt."

Kilner's paper discussed how the military's training changed drastically after World War II. A survey determined that only 25% of all soldiers during the war actually fired their weapons. The main reason cited was that soldiers were more afraid to kill another human being than to be killed.

...

One way to achieve this was with pop-up targets on marksmanship ranges. "They enable soldiers to overcome their aversion to killing by conditioning them to act spontaneously to conditions that are combat-like yet morally benign," according to Kilner.

I trust you can see where this is going. Desensitized to violence, their empathy for other humans drilled out of them, culture of death, etc., etc., etc.

Incidentally, given the millions upon millions upon millions of young (and not so young) men who've served in the military in the past 50 years, it's hardly surprising to find serial killers among them. And drug dealers. And hit men. And rapists. And gentleman cat-burglar jewel-thieves, even.

Alas, Google didn't cache the page as it originally appeared on DKos, but undoubtedly it's just this story again.

Question:

Is Kos, who never tires of telling us of his stint in the armed forces, a serial killer? Did he delete this to prevent us from discovering the awful truth?

PS: Since the diarist was inspired by Full Metal Jacket, why not include the man also mentioned as a Marine in that film -- Lee Harvey Oswald? Having killed two people and wounded a third, I think we can sneak him into at least the "spree killer" category, no?

So why no mention?

You know why.

Patsy. Google it.

Posted by: Ace at 10:26 PM | Comments (112)
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Naked dude walks into house to have sex with underage boy. Totally naked. Except for his ratty gym socks. Manboobs and dirty gym socks-- hot.

The second part, though, is what makes this an all-time highlight. I won't spoil it.

Pwnd.

And pwnd again.

He's an attractive guy. Gotta wonder why he hasn't already been snapped off the market by someone above the age of consent.

Hansen's theories about "internet addiction" causing this are jackass psychobabble, but gotta love how he grills pedophiles in that hammy, holier-than-thou way. I mean, here, he actually is holier than thou, so it works.

Posted by: Ace at 09:58 PM | Comments (37)
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Background: The guy shows up stinking drunk in the morning to defend a man facing life in prison for kidnapping. The judge interrogates him pleasantly through his absurd lies until finally she orders the bailiff to breathalyze him.

This is just the first part. Here's the second, and the third, and and the fourth. Skip to part 4 if you get bored -- parts 2 and 3 are just kind of confusing as his goofy story comes apart at the seams. Part 4 is where he gets his breathalyzer, then says he's drinking because he lost his grandma either 2 weeks or one month ago (depending on the version of the story he tells), and then also tries to slip it in that his brother died in 19XX; precise year unknown, as the judge cuts him off. Seems to me, though, that this having occurred in 2006, it's kinda weak to blame you drunkenness on a death occurring in the previous millennium.

Swiped from Patterico's open thread, where a lot of funny videos are being linked.

Posted by: Ace at 04:25 PM | Comments (53)
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Or should I say "Moon Landing." Look at how that flag stands stiffly as if blown by the wind, which doesn't exist on the Moon, you know.

As Nina Van Horne said of the "astronauts" -- or rather, "ActorNauts" -- "You know why their helmets have dark glass? So you can't see them giggling."

Posted by: Ace at 04:15 PM | Comments (37)
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I'm going to cut out this guy's moronic use of quotation marks in order to make this read better.

Dear Mr. Winston,

As Councilman representing Cleveland's 11th Ward, I have been notified once again that you have been arrested for dealing drugs in my ward...

Mr. Winston, you have to be dumber than mud. Don't you know that one of your so-called friends from the 8th Avenue gang ratted your stupid ass out that your were dealing drugs from the parking lot? They cut a deal. So much for your wonderful pals, you idiot. I am glad that you are now 18 years of age and can no longer hide behind the juvenile court system, Mr. Quarterback, loser. Remember when you told me to "iiss your black ass"... and that you were going to be an NFL Quarterback? Well, the NFL, despite perceptions, is not for losers!

In closing, I told you just recently to stay out of my neighborhood, you crack dealing piece of trash. yet you keep coming back because you think you are a big man. Well,real men go to school or to work every day and take care of their family... You are a thug and you know what? There are only two places you will end up at the rate you are going -- that is, prison or the nearest funeral home. Quite frankly, I don't care which one you get to first as long as your dumbs stupid ass is out of my neighborhood.

Have a wonderful life, Arsenio. [His actual first name, not a dig.] I am sure you have made your mother real proud. Remember when I spoke to her one of the other times that you were arrested for assaulting a police officer...? Only a moron would do that. Your fate is totally in your hands, which is a scary thought.

Go to jail or the cemetery soon,

Michael D. Polensek
Councilman, Ward 11

Of course, because the councilman is white and the perp black, this is a "racist attack," and the mother of the little angel addressed here is planning a lawsuit.. for, um, the "death threat" she claims the letter is.

The longtime councilman said in a telephone interview Wednesday that he often writes blunt letters to troublemakers in his neighborhood and makes no apologies for the one to Winston.

"I'm fed up and the people in my neighborhood are fed up," Polensek said. "There's no political correctness left in me."

Winston's mother, Tonya Lewis, said she plans to speak to her attorney, former City Council President George Forbes, about filing a lawsuit against Polensek. She said she also has written a letter to black activist the Rev. Al Sharpton.

Lewis said she views Polensek's letter as a death threat against her son because the councilman said "he didn't care which one came first, that he went to jail or the cemetery."

She also complained that the letter referred to Winston as "dumber than mud," which she considers a racist remark because mud is black and dirty.

Polensek defended his letter.

"If my letter was offensive, fine, so be it," he said. "If my letter is going to make his mother and family think about what he's done, I'm glad."

Ah, sensitivity. It seems that if you call someone a dumb thug, you're actually insulting blacks generally, and of course if you call someone a murderous religious maniac you're insulting Muslims generally.

Don't those claims seem to reinforce the exact "racism" or "Islamophobia" complained of? Who's claiming blacks are "dumb thugs"? Why, this woman with her moron thug of a son, by claiming the two are equivalent.

Who's claiming that impugning terrorists is impugning Muslims, thus suggesting all Muslims are terrorists? Why, the terrorist-supporting Muslims at CAIR, of course.

None of this makes sense, but sense isn't the point when a child argues she should be given a cookie, either. Any whine, bitch, manipulation or shrieking hissy fit will do when all that matters is getting that cookie.

But of course to point this out is itself "racist" or "Islamophobic," which is why they're permitted to keep doing it without being subjected to the criticism and mockery they deserve.

Thanks to Drew.

Posted by: Ace at 04:09 PM | Comments (32)
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