You know, Lindsey Lohan. That chick from that movie about the identical twins. What were their names? Oh yeah, Leftie and Rightie.

I think she did a couple of sequels, like Hey, Check Out These Fat Sweater-Pumas and Oh No, I Just Traded My Big Cans With My Stacked Mother.

Six months isn't so hard. I f I go back to the joint again, I'd just use that time to get ripped and practice my katas.

The thing is, getting arrested for runnin' from the cops at 100mph all sloppy-drunk and coked-up turns out to be the highlight of this stupid whore's week. Her new movie is called Rack Attack or something.

Never heard of it? Yeah, me neither. I think that was maybe the whole idea.

The critics are calling it the worst movie of the year. Now, don't get me wrong, critics are fuckin' queers, but the fact is every single one of them goes out of their way to let you know that not only does this movie suck a rat, the girl from In Six Years These Will Be Resting On My Lap doesn't even get naked in it. And there's only like three months left to get any mileage out of those puppies.

Words like "career killer" are being used. And "uninsurable risk."

I'm no Charlie Hollywood or nothin', but that doesn't sound good to me.

Posted by: Rich "Psycho" Giamboni at 08:44 PM | Comments (49)
Post contains 249 words, total size 1 kb.

Keep a cold one for me in heaven, brother.

Posted by: Rich "Psycho" Giamboni at 07:32 PM | Comments (17)
Post contains 23 words, total size 1 kb.

Rich "Psycho" Giamboni,
Special AoSHQ Correspondent

Big Rich here. You pansies probably know me from a piece I wrote up a while ago.

Ace is good people. We go way back. I used to make the geek do my science homework for me in sixth grade. And also some gay stuff. Not super-gay stuff or anything. Just stuff with my wiener.

That's neither here nor there. I don't have to answer your questions. I'm not the one on trial here.

At any rate, since this pussy ran off, I'm supposed to do this queer blogshit or somethin' for him. I don't know. I guess it's just posting gay shit and then making gay comments after everything like I'm Lord fucking Brucie, King of the Gaylords or something.

Like this:

Fred Thompson raised only three million buck last month. Everyone's saying he's a dud.

I don't know, sounds like a lotta fuckin' jack to me. But then, I work for a living, brother. I don't live the soft life like most of you. Most of the day I spend in the baking heat on top of people's roofs. Then I let myself in through a window and spend the rest of the day baking in their air conditioning, stealing their electronics and jewelery and baseball card collections.

When I'm not doing that I'm breeding fuckin' ferrets and training for the UFC. UFC, baby.

Am I afraid of gettin' all fucked up? No way, my little Psychomaniacs. Wanna know why? Because you can't hurt steel.

That's kind of my motto. I'm planning on getting a robe with that on it from Spenser's Gifts. My hot-ass stripper girlfriend Heather Betthany thinks it's going to look awesome.

So there you go. This soft-handed fuck "only" made 3 large last month doing all kinds of nothin' at all I'm breaking my ass trying to fence some stupid retard-kid's telescope for $10 on the goddamn curb and learn how to keep those squirmy little judo-faggots from kicking my kidneys in.

But I guess I'm supposed to cry for Fred Thompson. A boo. A hoo. A hoooooo.

Is that it? Is that all there is to this shit?

Not so hard.

Posted by: Rich "Psycho" Giamboni at 07:02 PM | Comments (38)
Post contains 376 words, total size 2 kb.

O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weatherÂ’d every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead

In other news, today is Mr. Paul Anka's birthday, and the anniversary of the sinking of the USS Indianapolis. Sunk by a Jap sub on it's way back from delivering the Hegemon™.

Posted by: Dave In Texas at 06:57 PM | Comments (20)
Post contains 108 words, total size 1 kb.

It's game over, man...game over.

This second video, I think, really captures the full range of emotions we all feel at Ace's retirement. It's sad, and yet hopeful. We know, eventually, Ace will be back...and he'll be happy to meet us.

Below...a moron's lament. more...

Posted by: Slublog at 06:19 PM | Comments (27)
Post contains 144 words, total size 3 kb.

With him gone for good, I'll finally have the run of the place.

That's right! A site entirely devoted to HamNations, RedEye w/Greg Gutfeld, and my personal photo collection of one Ms. Suzanne Sena.

Onwards and Upwards! Excelsior!

.....Yeah....I'll make sure to turn the lights out when you all leave.....

Damn you, JimBimbo. Damn you to hell!

Posted by: Jack M. at 05:55 PM | Comments (21)
Post contains 65 words, total size 1 kb.

It's taken a while, but at last I have met my master. JimBimbo has defeated me. He's threatening to reveal to everyone I'll rewrite his posts to say how much he enjoys dick, and he's got some pretty incriminating evidence to that effect (namely, that I just said I would do exactly that).

Further, he's got all the screencaps of my Saving Private Beauchamp posts, and he's threatening to go public with them, unaware, apparently, that this is a public blog viewed by 15,000 or so people a day and also cached on Google. But those screencaps will be damning, somehow, or so he assures me.

I simply cannot carry on in this sort of environment where my lies and smears are so effectively exposed by this Mensa Chapter President, a man gifted with such transcendent genius that he is capable of, yes, splitting atoms... with his mind.

I blame you retards. When this subatomic psychokinetic fissionist was decimating me, where were you? Nowhere, that's where.

I don't know if you've been paying attention but we just got our asses kicked, man!

Thanks. Thanks for nothing.

Well, that's it for me. We had some laughs along the way, I'd like to think.

Seacrest, out.

Posted by: Ace at 05:40 PM | Comments (137)
Post contains 212 words, total size 1 kb.

They're rooting for America so goshdarn hard it hurts.

In fairness, he's talking about tactical positioning and such, but one can't miss the basic admission that good news for America is bad news for the Democratic Party.

House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-S.C.) said Monday that a strongly positive report on progress on Iraq by Army Gen. David Petraeus likely would split Democrats in the House and impede his party's efforts to press for a timetable to end the war.

Clyburn, in an interview with the washingtonpost.com video program PostTalk, said Democrats might be wise to wait for the Petraeus report, scheduled to be delivered in September, before charting next steps in their year-long struggle with President Bush over the direction of U.S. strategy.

Clyburn noted that Petraeus carries significant weight among the 47 members of the Blue Dog caucus in the House, a group of moderate to conservative Democrats. Without their support, he said, Democratic leaders would find it virtually impossible to pass legislation setting a timetable for withdrawal.

...

Many Democrats have anticipated that, at best, Petraeus and U.S. ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker would present a mixed analysis of the success of the current troop surge strategy, given continued violence in Baghdad. But of late there have been signs that the commander of U.S. forces might be preparing something more generally positive. Clyburn said that would be "a real big problem for us."

If there was some caveat to the effect of "Of course, this would be wonderful news for the country," the Washington Post reporter seems to have forgotten to write it down.

Thanks to.... sorry, I saw it in a thread, forget which one.

Posted by: Ace at 04:44 PM | Comments (17)
Post contains 315 words, total size 2 kb.

Just wondering what your favorites are.

I mention this because I've been wanting to comment on the superb psued "Thebronze," which, unless I miss my guess, is a reference to slang for cops in Mad Max.

And also-- roc ingersol, a reference to Galaxy Quest.

"THE Bruce Dickenson" was always a smile, too, but he's not around much anymore.

Oh... I have to give a shout-out to my old college roommates. steve_in_hb isn't a cool name, but another roommate decided to be funny by calling himself not_steve_in_hb, prompting a third roommate to go with the very fun neither_steve_in_hb_nor_not_steve_in_hb.

That last one almost provokes me into convulsions.

Quick, stick a wallet in my mouth.

Posted by: Ace at 04:19 PM | Comments (170)
Post contains 123 words, total size 1 kb.

Patterico link, feel free to hit it.

Yes, yes, it's just those darn uncontrollable commenters on leftwing blogs that express this level of vicious hatred. Not the bloggers or "diarists" themselves, of course.

By the way, some of you don't seem to know: "Wonkette" is no longer Ana Marie Cox. She left that gig like two years ago. It's now run by a bunch of dudes including Ken Layne who share the sensibilities of thirteen-year-old girls as well as most of the crushes.

Incidentally, one of the sissiest sissies over there, Alex Balk, seems to be going out of his way to wear his anti-semitism proudly.

Posted by: Ace at 04:08 PM | Comments (10)
Post contains 116 words, total size 1 kb.