Hoke Malokey (like, Bob Dole, this is how I refer to myself) just read "Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim" by David Sedaris and makes the following offer to all of Ace's acolytes.

Buy the book. Read the chapter about Sedaris' brother ("Rooster at the Hitchin' Post").

If it is not the funniest thing you've ever read, Ace will refund the purchase.

Posted by: Ace at 06:47 AM | Comments (7)
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Posted by: Ace at 06:38 AM | Comments (5)
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Cameron Diaz, on Oprah Winfrey.

It got me to thinking about two things.

First, are there other one-liners that may be helpful in the upcoming election to discourage turnout (I mean, other than the boring "INS! INS!")?

"If you think John Ashcroft has been peeking at your library records and knows that you still haven't returned 'Pudd'nhead Wilson' (which is now 11680 days late), then don't vote."

"If you think Jed Bartlett would be a good president, then don't vote."

"If you think that AIDS and divorce are hallmarks of your own generation, on par with those of the Greatest generation, then don't vote."

"If you think you could talk to Rosie Perez for an hour without hitting her in the mouth, then don't vote."

The second thing that came to mind was Cameron Diaz herself. How did she happen? Currently, she's fighting release of some nude and/or S/M photos from her early days. God, I hope she's successful, because from what she's revealed, I'm not too keen to see more of that banana peeled.

She's got chopped up, pockmarked skin.

She dates Justin Timberlake.

Her head is . . . well

Good luck in the legal fight, Cameron, and remember:

"If you think your head could be tossed in a nice, tight spiral, then don't vote."

Posted by: Ace at 06:21 AM | Comments (34)
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The best o-line Lombardi ever coached.

Posted by: Ace at 07:31 PM | Comments (1)
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some folks can't forgive "Lambert" Field.

Bush Up 3 in Wisconsin

(Kerry spokesman Tad Devine, responding to the poll: "Just like Tom Brady will take the Packers to victory this season, John Kerry will carry Wisconsin in November")

Posted by: Ace at 07:22 PM | Comments (3)
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Last night's debate. Kerry wins. Had to win. No knock-out. Bush tired. Maybe he shouldn't have visited hurricane-ravaged Florida. Podium to low. Smirks. Kerry not so orange in dim lights. Presidential.

Makes . . me . . . wanna' . . . kick . . . teeth in.

Look. Bush is what he is and he isn't going to come up with a dazzling menagerie to say what he has to say, which is relatively simple.

"Stay the course. Oh, and Longface John Silver over here is a fuckin' liar."

He can rattle a few facts, remember some dates, use a zinger, even make a backhand when Mr. Carnival-Mirror Chin screws up (i.e., "global test").

But even then, Bush doesn't make the crosscourt beautiful.

It's just not in him.

So he says, "Let me -- I'm not exactly sure what you mean, "passes the global test," you take preemptive action if you pass a global test. My attitude is you take preemptive action in order to protect the American people, that you act in order to make this country secure."

That's Bush-speak for "Look, you Ron Perleman-looking clown, I never passed a whole lot of tests, but you are a man a hair away from sniffing Chirac's panties."

It's tough to fill 90 minutes with that attitude.

Wait until domestic policy.

How the hell is he going to fill 90 minutes with "I cut the shit out of taxes, Dudley DoRight. What of it?"

Posted by: Ace at 07:05 PM | Comments (11)
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Joe Lockhart was brought on in the cattle call of ex-Clintonistas assigned
to help Kerry. I'm becoming more and more convinced that Lockhart is a
saboteur, sent in to mess with the dials and run the good ship Kerry into
the shoals. Consider --

First, Lockhart is ensnared in Rathergate, chatting up Bill Burkett in
return for Burkett handing Mary Mapes documents that excoriated Bush in the
Guard because Bush was shirking his duties to watch "Hardcastle and
McCormick."

Next, when Prime Minister Allawi comes to speak to Congress, Lockhart
snickers "You can almost see the hand underneath the shirt today moving the
lips." Lockhart's hilarious dig was shoved in Kerry's face at the debate.
Presidential candidates aren't supposed to endure the droppings of their
fat, central casting hacks during debates.

Later, Lockhart revealed that Cher called him up to say he was too fat to
represent the campaign on TV. (Cher is wrong, by the way - Lockhart looks like Bill Parcells with Grave's disease)

And now, Lockhart offers post-debate analysis such as ""Judging from the
smirk on George Bush's face, I think he may have to spend a little bit more
time with the briefing book, a little bit more time in debate prep, as we
get ready for a town hall meeting."

Kerry's advisers can be pretty woeful. Tad Devine always looks like Gary
Oldman in Dracula right after Keanu Reeves cuts himself shaving. And Bob
Shrum is the George McClellan of presidential campaigns. At what point do
Democratic candidates respond to his calling card with "Aren't you Rich
Kotite?"

But if Lockhart gets caught flouncing about in a Tereeezzzzzzza ensemble on
the campaign bus singing "Respect" and then laughing, 'Look at me! I'm an
African-American!" then don't say you weren't warned.

Posted by: Ace at 05:38 PM | Comments (3)
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My name is Hoke Malokey.

Actually, that's not my name.

That's the kind of har har har Ace came up with it, trying to start me off
at a disadvantage as I try my hand at guest hosting.

Remember this guy?

That's Tom Wopat. That's me. Original Duke of Hazzard.

This is Ace.

Enough said. Let's get the show on the road.

Posted by: Ace at 05:25 PM | Comments (3)
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Via Jim's tip, over at Powerline:

State Republican Party Chairman Chris Vance called it a "Watergate-style break in" and said he suspects Democrats are behind it.

"If you're just some burglar looking for computers to sell to buy drugs you take every laptop in the office maybe," he said. "But they knew exactly whose computers to get. They got the executive director's computer and the get-out-the-vote director's computer."

If any of you haven't registered to vote yet, please think about what these guys are up to, and consider taking the five minutes to sign up to vote.

Posted by: Ace at 01:15 PM | Comments (8)
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Not that any of the network newscasts will take notice, of course. They're all following John Kerry's line that the economy is in the tank.

I don't want to say that John Kerry has a hair up his ass about the economy but, during his last colonoscopy, they found that his rectum was 80% obstructed by an adult bull sasquatch.

Posted by: Ace at 01:10 PM | Add Comment
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