Hussein greets Yasser Arafat at a 1979 conference in Havana, Cuba.

Thanks to GregS.

And There's No WMD in Iraq Either, Except Maybe For the WMD They Just Found Update: Instapundit links to an NPR report on the discovery of vials labled "Sarin- V Gas."

Ehhhh...

For a guy with no terrorist links or WMD, Saddam sure does seem to have had a lot of terrorist links and WMD.

Of course, it might only seem that way because I'm so stupid.

Update: Looks like it's a kit to detect Sarin gas, not Sarin gas itself.

Still-- why are such things being stockpiled in Iraq, if there is no Sarin?

Posted by: Ace at 10:54 AM | Comments (23)
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HelpThemLeave.com, supposedly (maybe actually?) a charity for assisting the "disenfranchised" relocate elsewhere, so long as they renounce their American citizenship.

Thanks to the Fat Kid.

Posted by: Ace at 10:08 AM | Comments (5)
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For some reason, I always imagined that Vincent D'Onofrio -- best known as "Private Gomer Pyle" or "Private Disgusting Fatbody" in Full Metal Jacket -- was a pretty grounded, with-it kind of cat.

As usual, I was wrong:

November 11, 2004 -- VINCENT D'Onofrio, the star of "Law & Order: Criminal Intent," passed out while shooting the hit TV series yesterday morning — prompting insiders to gossip that the actor is "losing it."
"Ever since John Kerry lost the election, [D'Onofrio] has lost his [bleep,]" said our on-set insider.

"He has been getting into fistfights with people, and when he passed out today, we all thought he was faking it. But then he insisted they call 911."

An ambulance raced to the Queens studio, where paramedics found nothing wrong with the gifted actor...

Tensions on the "Criminal Intent" set are running high. "No one thinks Vincent will last for much longer," the insider said.

...

D'Onofrio, a big Kerry supporter, was said to be devastated over President Bush's re-election. "When PAGE SIX [last week] wrote about 'Law & Order' putting up signs forbidding political discussions on set, it was funny," our source said. "Those signs were put up because of [D'Onofrio]."

About a month before the election, D'Onofrio "insisted" on putting up anti-Bush posters and fliers, "and would attack anyone who disagreed with him," the spy added.

In response, "Law & Order" producers posted signs banning political discussions or anything else that would impede work on set, implying that D'Onofrio had held up taping of the show with his political zealotry.

Sheesh.

But the Lord never closes a door without opening a Cliff Claven. Cheers star John Ratzenberger seems to be making some serious conservative noises here:

"In school we said the Pledge of Allegiance and in summer marched in parades on streets decorated with American flags," says the actor, who appearing before one recent audience criticized this country's "silly educational emphasis on multiculturalism" that "only causes people to be hyper-aware of color instead of being colorblind."

...

The actor warns that "structures and organizations, even countries, don't survive forever on momentum."

...

As for Hollywood and its impact, he says: "I'm concerned about the insidious influence of the media's bad messages that undermine the lessons parents try to instill in their sons and daughters."

He speaks of a recent conversation he had with a high-ranking network executive, the son of a studio executive born and raised in Los Angeles, who turned down a series proposed by Mr. Ratzenberger that would center around life in a truck stop.

"I kid you not, this guy had never heard of truck stops," says the actor, whose father was a truck driver. "I should have educated him by pointing out that if New York and Los Angeles were to suddenly disappear one day, all the other American cities would quickly learn to adjust ... .

"I have a lot more in common with my gardener that I do with guys like him," he concludes. "It appalls me that the people who decide what Americans will be watching on the tube have never been to the United States. Not the real United States.

"To them, the real United States is just flyover country. The pollution they produce, market, sell, and show to billions around the world is at its core contemptuous of the country that gave them better lives than nearly 100 percent of everybody who's ever lived. And they pass that contempt along for everyone to see."

I'm starting to think that he really might have a potato chip that looks like Richard M. Nixon.

The Sergeant Really Did Hate Private Pyle: R. Lee Ermey, the DI from FMJ (and a thousand other movies), apparently is no big fan of Michael Moore.

He doesn't call him a disgusting fatbody, but he does call him fat and ugly.

Update: Hard to believe, but Roger L. Simon says that liberal Beverly Hills went 42% for Bush.

At the moment, I'm filing this in the strange-but-not-necessarily-true category.

Posted by: Ace at 09:30 AM | Comments (16)
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This is just getting silly now. I swear to you this is not a made-up news-parody piece.

The Democrats think the key to persuading Red State voters to like them is to start eating at Applebee's. See, Red Staters eat at Applebee's, whereas liberals eat at... I don't know. Not-Applebee's, I guess. Some sort of so-called "upscale," "classy" restaurant that only enlightened liberals know about.

Maybe the Olive Garden.

Anyway:

One veteran Democratic strategist, Clinton White House political director Doug Sosnik, sums up the answer in one word: ApplebeeÂ’s.

For Sosnik, the chain of modestly priced restaurants (more than 1,600 in 49 states), symbolizes precisely what is wrong with the partyÂ’s Washington-based elite.

Democratic leaders are out of touch with the American people, Sosnik said in a panel discussion Tuesday sponsored by the centrist Democratic Leadership Council (DLC).

“The leadership of our party has a cultural disconnect,” Sosnik said. “Our leaders — particularly Washington, D.C.-based — don’t really have the same life, day to day, as all those people out there in those red states. We don’t eat at the same restaurants. I don’t know how many politicians in town that are leaders of our party who voluntarily go to Applebee’s, unless it’s for work. You look at the swing voters out there, what their sporting events are, the music they listen to, the celebrities, the television programs, it’s just not what the East Coast leadership (watches) — it’s not quite where we are.”

"Talk about Applebee's, we don't even go to the Cracker Barrels and the DennyÂ’s as well," added Donna Brazile, who served as Al Gore's campaign manager in 2000.

Ohhhh... so it's not all about Applebee's. It's also about Cracker Barrel and Denny's. What about Chi-Chi's? Whither TGIFriday's?

I've never eaten at Applebee's, but I'm guessing I'd like it well enough. But I'm pretty sure that my political and philosophical stance has little to do with my feelings about Applebee's "Triple Chocolate Meltdown."

Yeah, it looks kinda good, but really, isn't it just a Bennigan's Death by Chocolate with a different name? I mean, who's zoomin' who?

I'm a single issue voter, and that single issue is the War on Terror. I will vote for whoever promises to most vigorously and, quite frankly, violently prosecute the war on terrorist killers. Given that, is it really very likely that I'll switch votes just because a liberal candidate enjoys some of Applebee's "legendary" Riblets?

Again, they look just absolutely delightful. I like ribs, so why wouldn't I like "riblets"? But honestly, my problem with John Kerry is that he refused to give a coherent answer as to how he would handle Iraq, not that he didn't come with a side of barbeque sauce (and/or Applebee's Honey Barbeque Sauce-- your call, really. This is America after all).

There is a cultural disconnect between liberals and conservatives, but it's not just about our tastes and habits. True enough, liberals love the biscottis at Starbucks, and conservatives go ga-ga over Applebee's "Fajita Con Sizzle"--

-- as well we should. Can you blame us? You can get it with chicken, steak, or chicken and steak, and anyway you like it, it comes with a free side of Sizzle, no extra charge.

The Democrats have problems connecting with the American people. While it of course wouldn't hurt to run advertisements of candidates speaking on the issues, intercut with shots of delicious "Nachos Nuevos" --

-- the American people want to hear more about "pocketbook issues," like, I don't know, the possible selections from Applebee's Value Menu.

And that's just how I see it. I'm an intelligent and informed American citizen. I'm motivated by a complex range of political preferences, and I simply can't be stereotyped as someone who begins sprouting unruly erections whenever I catch a scent of the absolutely delicious "Me Queso, Su Queso" appetizer selection--

-- although, quite frankly, anyone who doesn't like Mi Queso Su Queso sounds like a G-damn communist subversive with his head up his ass. And yeah, I'm getting a little horny just thinking about it now.

Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I have to go out to church and pray to my God, and then I have to go to Applebee's, or, as I call it, "A Little Slice of Heaven on Earth, Smothered in Monterrey Jack Cheese."

Thanks to BrianG, who knows a good premise when he sees one.

Umm... Update: The Applebee's link just ended up offering me a $50 free gift certificate to Applebee's, supposedly.

Whoo-hoo! What a November I'm having!

Posted by: Ace at 08:42 AM | Comments (50)
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That's their estimate, at least, which I'm guessing is pretty inflated. Hard to count bodies in the heat of battle.

Still-- they're obviously killing a lot of these thugs.

It's good to read this:

In one of the most dramatic clashes Wednesday, snipers fired on U.S. and Iraqi troops from the minarets of the Khulafah al-Rashid mosque, the military said. U.S. Marines called in an airstrike, and an F-18 dropped a 500-pound bomb on the mosque, destroying both minarets.

Not that I necessarily am I big fan of blowing up mosques, but it's a sign that that the commanders here are serious.

Posted by: Ace at 08:14 AM | Comments (20)
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by the unofficial shadow staff of Ace of Spades HQ

"This reign of witches will pass"

10. Exit polls show that Elves went big for Nader (Alex)

9. Bush's Flying Monkeys surpisingly effective at getting out the vote (suggested by Frank Villon)

8. One word: Cheneymania (Senator PhilABuster)

7. Damn Republicans kept making their saving throws against Media Bias
(Blacknimbus, Jimmie, Bbeck were all on the same track)

6. In the house of R'yleh, Dead Cthulhu lies sleeping, except when he mans the phones for the Iowa Republican Party (Jimmie)

5. James Carville, busy with his Crossfire gig, couldn't get down to the bayou and work a little cornpone voodoo (BlueDevils)

4. JoBu did not answer our chickenbone prayer. Fuck JoBu. (RD Brewer)

3. Stupid American voters couldn't grasp the subtle political arguments contained in Papa, Can You Hear Me? (suggested by Alex)

2. Opening speakers of Republican convention -- Smurf-Archenemy Gargamel and Pinhead from Hellraiser -- really "connected" with public (Ace)

... and the Number One Barbra Streisand Explanation for Kerry's Loss...

1. Public simply had no confidence in Kerry's constantly-evolving, multiple-position nuance; in D&D terms, they decided to stick with the +3 Holy Avenger that is George Bush, rather than the Dick of Many Things that is John Kerry* (Ace)

* Why only +3 and not +5? Two reasons: One, we haven't taken out Fallujah yet. But more importantly: I don't run a Monty Haul campaign.

Thanks to everyone who contributed. I hope no one's too disappointed to not see their contribution on the list; there are only ten slots, and sometimes one joke is too similar in subject matter to another.

Geek Overload Update! Well, due to the premise I offered, and then the selections I made, I think I've just about constructed the most geeky damn post ever seen on this site, and that says an awful lot, given how all of this nonsense started.

My God. I'm looking at what I've become and my heart is sinking.

Did I never play outside as a child? Had I no friends at all?

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to pop into the garage and hang myself for a little while. See you tomorrow.

Maybe.

Posted by: Ace at 12:23 AM | Comments (21)
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Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Jawa Innuendo Update: Is it just me, or is Rusty trying to suggest something about the cause of Arafat's death here?

Posted by: Ace at 12:21 AM | Comments (9)
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...are being debated over at A Small Victory.

90% of the lyrics the commenters mention are good lyrics. They may read a little dumb written out, but they work well in the song. "Get it On" has bad lyrics? No way.

But I do think one of Michele's commenters has hit upon the worst lyrics of all time: the excruciatingly pretentious crapwords in Sting's Russians.

Posted by: Ace at 12:19 AM | Comments (4)
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It's not pretty, folks. It's worse than the trash-can beat-down Sonny Corleone gave to Carmine in The Godfather.

PARENTAL ADVISORY: CONTAINS SCENES OF INTENSE GORE:

Somberly reporting that "all this data here is from the office of Florida's secretary of state," Olbermann listed five Florida counties where the registrations are majority Democratic -- and yet (!) the counties went for Bush.

A quick glance at the Congressional Almanac indicates that all five counties in Olbermann's conspiracy theory are in the Florida Panhandle, where most people have been registered as Democrats since their grandfathers registered them to vote shortly after the Civil War....

As if anticipating Olbermann's idiotic conspiracy theory two years ago when he wrote the most recent almanac, Michael Barone specifically notes that these Panhandle counties -- though still majority Democratic in party registrations -- have been voting for Republicans for president for many years. This would include the 2000 presidential election when the three voting districts at the centerpiece of Olbermann's conspiracy theory voted for Bush by 69 percent, 66 percent and 57 percent. The only way Barone could have made this any clearer to the "Countdown" host would have been to begin the chapter, "Dear Keith Olbermann ..."

...

The only scandal is that a purported news program would raise insinuations of vote fraud based on the party registration of Southern Democrats living in the Florida Panhandle -- without anyone at the show checking the Congressional Almanac. (It's especially attractive to be promoting a theory based on a lack of basic information, in the self-righteous, smug manner of Keith Olbermann.)

No election in the United States can be discussed intelligently without reference to Michael Barone's Congressional Almanac. At any half-serious television news station, the Congressional Almanac is as common as a phonebook.

But at MSNBC, Keith Olbermann can go on air with the major breaking story that five conservative Democratic Panhandle counties voted for Bush, without one person on the show: (1) consulting the Congressional Almanac, (2) looking at the results of the 2000 election, or (3) apparently ever having heard of "Southern Democrats." (They're all Republicans now!)

In case you needed more on the genius theories being hatched on MSNBC's "Countdown With Keith Olbermann," even if every one of these counties went unanimously for Kerry -- count them up, Keith! -- that's still, at most, about 50,000 votes. Bush won by 350,000 votes in Florida.

So I guess we can add "math" to Keith's growing "I Don't Do" file, along with "Reading the Congressional Almanac," "Basic Show Prep," "Getting My Attitude in Line With My IQ" ... (By the way, shouldn't Keith Olbermann be avoiding "time is running out" motifs wherever possible?)

Memo to Olbermann: "Smug" is hard one to pull off. You have to have something to at least partly back that attitude up. When you're a borderline imbecile, it's very difficult indeed.

Smug, lazy, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

Posted by: Ace at 06:43 PM | Comments (18)
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Look, we're all desperately trying to avoid the rather obvious "pining for the fjords" dead-parrot jokes.

You guys are going to have to do your part, too. Telling us he's "just resting," perhaps after a prolonged shag, makes our jobs all the more difficult.

Final Destination Update! Arafat to be pronounced dead?

Finally?

This guy's having a longer death sequence than The Shape from Halloween.

He's got a bigger bodycount, too.

Bush Not Exactly Weeping Update: Announces with a kind of winning lack of tact that Arafat's death could be a good thing.

Well, he said his death could re-start the peace process. Close enough.

Posted by: Ace at 03:21 PM | Comments (40)
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