Yes, it was an important election. Yes, you lost, and that always hurts. Yes, you're disappointed, as I would be, were the roles reversed.

But honestly, get a sense of perspective. Not for my sake, but for your own.

"I had one friend tell me he's never been so depressed and angry in his life," Schooler said. "I observed patients threatening to leave the country or staring listlessly into space. They were emotionally paralyzed, shocked and devastated," he told the daily.

To be fair, I felt the exact same way when I was forced to watch Strictly Ballroom on a blind date.

Posted by: Ace at 10:34 AM | Comments (9)
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Ilyka, who's pretty reasonable, disagrees with my sarcastic point, and thinks there is an awful lot of homophobia on the right.

I don't know. On one hand, yes, what she's saying is undeniable: there is of course homophobia on the right. On the other hand, though, it's also undeniable that homosexuality is now much more accepted than it has ever been in history, both on the left and the right, and by both secularists and religious traditionalists (many of whom continue to believe that it is against God's wishes, and yet are perfectly willing to allow gays to make their own lives in a civil society).

I do think that to some extent Ilyka is making a mistake that many on the left do (and on this issue, she seems to be more on the left than the right): to conflate the opposition to a measure desired by a minority group with "hatred" or "intolerance" for tha minority group.

I don't support racial quotas; I don't hate minorities, though. If you want to ascribe to me a negative motive, try simple selfishness: Why would I support a measure that hurts my own chances of getting a job, or of my children getting into the college of their choice, simply because it is asserted that I "owe" that to a perfect stranger do to injustices perpetrated on that stranger's ancestors by some other perfect strangers?

There is in fact a "gay agenda," or, perhaps, there are two gay agendas. One is the agenda of increased tolerance and acceptance; the other is quite a bit more ambitious than that, and seeks, for example, to mainstream outre notions about sexuality like the acceptance of "open relationships" (Andrew Sullivan occasionally makes noises about this, when he forgets he's supposed to be pretending he's a passionate supporter of the monogamy-model of human relationships).

And then of course there's gay marriage, which by its very terms, seeks to change the accepted definition of marriage as primarily an institution for the creation of families -- and when I say "families," I mean "children" -- to an institution based purely on romantic love. Romantic love ought to be a part of any marriage, to be sure, but we haven't previously confused being "in love" with taking the solemn step of marrying another.

In arguing for gay marriage, its supporters are consciously and unavoidably seeking to change the very nature of the institution, from something quasi-sacred and chiefly about children and family to what is basically a government certificate of Goin' Steady.

Well, that's where you guys lose me. I've gone steady before, and I really didn't think I needed a county, municipal, state or federal acknowledgment of that status.

Those who support gay marriage say it won't have any effect on traditional marriage. Well, maybe so, or maybe not. I can't help but think that diminishing the institution to what is basically a state-sanctioned pinning will have any sanguine effects on traditional marriage, either.

Posted by: Ace at 10:17 AM | Comments (19)
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It's the movie you were waiting for for twenty years, but then stopped waiting for about five years ago, 'round the time of Jar-Jar's first appearance.

Someone asked me if he had accidentally hit the "retard setting" on his DVD for Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. I told him yes, that setting was called "Play."

And yet, I've gotta say, they might actually trick me into seeing this one.

The good news: Hayden Christiansen might not be in the movie much. That's something, I guess.

I'm not saying he's a bad actor; he was good in Shattered Glass (highly recommended, by the way; a must-watch liberal-media true-crime flick). But Lucas -- he of the velvet-soft directorial touch -- made him such a whiny bitch in the last movie. Evil ought to be compelling. Not annoying.

At any rate, they need to get Annikin into the Vader mask as soon as possible. But I imagine the trailer is sorta lying to me, and that moment will come in the last three minutes of the movie.

Posted by: Ace at 09:25 AM | Comments (21)
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Kinda makes me long for a more innocent age, back when Ice-T was merely urging the murder of policemen:

In February 2004, a new rap music video created a stir on both sides of the Atlantic. The video, entitled “Dirty Kuffar” (kuffar being the Arabic term for non-believers), was performed by the British group Sheikh Terra and the Soul Salah Crew. ... The viewer can even watch several human beings morph into animals; bin Laden’s right-hand man, Ayman al-Zawahiri, morphs into a roaring lion early in the video, and later Israel’s Ariel Sharon turns into a pig with a tiny Star of David on its forehead.

As the pro-Islamist images roll across the screen, a rapper in military fatigues and a ski mask rhythmically weaves back and forth before the camera...:

The Ronald Reagan was a dirty kuffar

The Mr. Tony Blair is a dirty kuffar

The one Mr. Bush is a dirty kuffar Â…

Throw them in the fire

“Dirty Kuffar” finally grinds to a halt with the lyrics “Peace to Hamas and the Hezbollah/ OBL [Osama bin Laden] crew be like a shining star/ like the way we destroy them two towers, ha ha.” The rappers’ laughter can be heard as footage rolls of United Flight 175 slamming into the World Trade Center’s south tower, followed by further footage of the Twin Towers’ billowing collapse.

Honestly, it's time to Tupac OBL's ass. It's time to give him much love with the Massive Ordnance Penetrator. We need to give him all props with an XM8 air-bursting radar-detontated round right in his hateful face.

War out, y'all.

Posted by: Ace at 09:07 AM | Comments (5)
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I probably shouldn't be posting this, but technically, I think it falls under the heading of "celebrity news," which I cover here, right?

Not safe for work, unless you work as a talent scout for Russ Meyers*: A slosh-drunk Tara Reid gets photographed and interviewed at a Sean "Puffy" Combs party, not realizing for ten minutes her entire breast is completely hanging out. Like, completely.

* I know, I know, he's dead.

Posted by: Ace at 07:58 AM | Comments (17)
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Well, I've got five or six good reader-submitted Top Ten entries, and I'm looking for about two or three more.

Don't bother with the D&D reference. I've got a pretty good one, and you're going to have to really on your game if you want to beat mine. Pride of authorship and all that.

Anyway, I'll have to hold the list until either late tonight or tomorrow morning. Which gives everyone a chance to try for those last couple of spots.

Update: The list is coming, I promise. I just need to get it double-checked with my Sith Masters at the White House edit it personally based on my own independent judgment.

Posted by: Ace at 01:31 PM | Comments (9)
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Hobgoblin notes: Let's face reality: Dmocrats simply cannot accept that people think they're wrong.

I've been meaning to post on this idea.

The fact is that it's very important for liberals to think of themselves as "mainstream" and as part of the dominant mode of political thought. Their belief that they are mainstream is reinforced, powerfully, by the liberal "mainstream" media, which tells them how right they are every day.

In fact, the mainstream (ahem) media uses this belief of its centrism to justify its clear political bias. We're not liberally biased, they claim. We have a natural bias to reflect the dominant political thought in the country; of course we cover that dominant political though more than fringe thought. How else could we report?

When this faith in their mainstream status is shaken, they get a little pissy.

I don't know how it is for the rest of you. Some of you live in Red States, so maybe you actually have the feeling you're part of the majority mode of thought in the country. Maybe that's why so many of you were bullish on Bush's chances.

As a Reddish-Purple inhabitant of a very blue state's very bluest city, however, I always feel like a minority. I don't expect people to agree with me. And I don't make arguments based on the notion that my thoughts are "centrist," because I rarey feel that they are.

So this idea of being "mainstream" isn't central to me. It's kinda alien. I don't express shock when I meet liberals. I express shock when I meet conservatives; I just can't believe my good fortune.

But liberals really do have this idea that they're in the very center of American politics; to their left are hardcore Naderite/Chomskyite leftists (about 1/3 of the country, they figure) and to their right are hard-core fascist Republicans like Chris Shays, and beyond that, the real wack-a-loons who vote for Bush (sadly, they figure this too is about 1/3 of the country).

They seem perpetually shocked to realize, again and again, that they are the smaller plurality in America.

I'm never really shocked by finding out the public doesn't agree with me. I'm occasionally bothered by it -- didn't everyone else agree that Bill Clinton was just a, well, a dick? -- but I'm never surprised. It's what I kinda expect.

I think liberals would do themselves a favor, just on the level of psychological comfort, to get used to the idea that they're neither majority nor mainstream.

It's not a bad thing thinking of oneself as the perpetual outsider. For one thing, you get to pose as the rebel, even though you're actually kinda-sorta an establishment-lovin' authoritarian statist.

Which is cool.

I gotta figure there's more money in that, anyway. You know what a real rebel makes? Bupkis.

Correction: Ron says it's "bupkis," not "bubkis," and I believe him. Sort of.

Posted by: Ace at 01:25 PM | Comments (19)
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Charming:

"We can deny this crap, but I'm out of the denial. I'm about reality here," Mr. Carville told reporters at a breakfast hosted by the Christian Science Monitor. "We are an opposition party, and as of right now, not a particularly effective one. You can't deny reality here."

He said the party is desperately in need of a compelling narrative to tell voters, rather than the "litany of issues" the party stands for now.

He said Mr. Bush and Republicans presented just such a story: "These guys had a narrative — we're going to protect you from the terrorists in Tikrit and from the homos in Hollywood. That's it," he said. "I think we could elect somebody from Beverly Hills if they had some compelling narrative to tell people about what the country is."

The only homo from Hollywood I feel I need to be protected against is Jm J. Bullock. Long story. Let's just say the affair ended badly, and he claims I still owe him for the phone bill.

But then it gets silly:

He said he is considering writing a book about what direction Democrats should go.

One possibility, he said, was to embrace a reform-oriented, anti-Washington agenda. That would require the ability of members of Congress to reject pork projects for their districts and stake the party's fortunes on fiscal discipline.

Ummmm... yeah. Okay.

Bob "0 in 8-- and counting" Shrum also thinks the main message of Bush's campaign was "Git the Gayboys:"

"Some of the stuff I read is not going to happen," Mr. Shrum said. "The Democratic Party is not going to be better at competing with the Republican Party at being anti-gay. And frankly, I wouldn't be in that party. I would leave that party."

Tell me if you've noticed this. Whenever Republicans win, the Democrats and the media are all very insistent that the public was voting on the "wrong issues."

They're claiming that the public should have voted Bush out because of Iraq. But had Iraq been going better, you can bet they'd be saying that the public should have voted on the economy. And had that been going gangbusters, they'd say we should have voted on health care, or the homeless, or, well, the homos, but in a good way.

Whatever.

Funny, innit it? The only time we the American public can get a great big pat on the back from our neutral and unbiased media is when we elect Democrats.

Posted by: Ace at 12:13 PM | Comments (25)
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Who cares what Madonna thinks?

It's kinda sad when you make a movie like Swept Away, containing what's supposed to be a big sexy scene about semi-forced sodomy, and you still can't induce perverts like myself to watch past the first three minutes.

Madonna's the sort of liberal twit who's always asking "Why do they hate us?"

You know why they hate us, Madge? Body of Evidence for starters. Dick Tracy for another one.

Sometimes I'll accidentally watch The Next Best Thing and I'll start thinking about strapping dynamite to my chest.

Thank the Lord that Osama bin Ladin's never seen Shanghai Surprise. You think he's angry now? He could be angrier still, trust me. The loss of Andalusia to the Infidels is nothing compared to watching Madonna try her hand at screwball-cute banter for ninety teeth-grinding minutes.

Update: That insipid cover of American Pie probably didn't win us any friends, either.

Posted by: Ace at 10:36 AM | Comments (18)
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That's quickly become the basic liberal explanation for Democrats' failure.

You're stupid. Every one of you. Some more than others, but let's be honest, none of you is precisely a rocket scientist.

And I'm not exactly splitting atoms myself here, either.

It's about time we faced the facts.

You people are all so dumb-stupid you believe that proof of a connection between Hussein and Al Qaeda constitutes, I don't know, some sort of proof of a connection between Hussein and Al Qaeda.

How do you make that leap, exactly? What kind of subcretins are you imbeciles?

Let's be honest: The most intelligent thing that comes out of your mouths is a prodigious amount of ropy moron-drool.

How many of you short-bus commuters can successfully differentiate between Dido and Kylie Minogue? Not many, I bet. Y'all can probably better tell the difference between a smell-hound and a coon-hound than successfully identify pop divas.

How many of you corncob-smokin', cousin-pokin' inbred Hillybilly riffraff understand that Kim Cattrall's performance in Sex in the City is a brave and deliriously over-the-top paeen to female sexual empowerment? You squirrel-huntin' redneck trash-scavengers probably just know her as the chick who gets turned on by gym socks in Porky's.

Come to think of it, that's how I know her, too.

Like I said: I'm stupid too.

Let's be honest: How many of you have the wit and insight to know which of Maureen Dowd's tastelessly-puerile wisecracks you're supposed to pretend are funny?

The lot of you are stock characters out of The Dukes of Hazzard, except with fewer fingers and feet, owing to a series of tragic yet comical accidents with the band-saw and gator-wrasslin', cartoonishly runnin' shine round muddy Georgia back-roads while tryin' to bail your beloved Uncle Jesse out of the hoosegow.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Every single one of you is a slack-jawed shaved-baboon who needs to put in his'n "lucky tooth" when Nana Nooney makes her county-famous muskat pie.

Idiots. Don't you know the media wanted you to vote for Kerry? Did they have to draw you a road map? How obvious do they have to make it for you? Maybe next time they'll need to resort to explaining things to you with rebus-puzzles-- simple rebus-puzzles, I mean, because, let's face it, it's not like any of you can recognize a line-drawing of anything more complex than a hole-digger. Or Jeff Foxworthy.

You make the Mountain Men from Deliverance look like a Mensa mixer.

I don't know how any of you feel -- I don't know much, truth be told; my Pappy wasn't much for book-learnin' neverways, choosing instead to teach me instead about real-world type stuff, like tyin' a good lure or Jew-hatin' -- but I for one am sick to death of being such a halfwit pinhead stupidbrain.

Next time, I'm going to listen to Dan Rather. I'll vote for whoever he tells me to vote for, just so long as he makes it real clear for me. Maybe he can put out a colorin' book or somethin'. I like to color. My teacher sometimes even lets me use Magic Markers, so long as she's nearby and keepin' a sharp eye on me, because otherwise I tend to eat them.

They don't taste very good. But they're colorful like licorice and rock-candy.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get myself to a hoe-down. I play the best fidjo in Oshawalla County. The fidjo is an instrument I created myself-- basically, I just tooks me a fiddle and glued it to the back of my trusty banjo.

Right now I'm workin's on makin' me a shotgunjo. Basically that's a-- wait, let me keep it a secret until it's ready. Don't want no carpetbagger Yanks stealin' my ideas.

Sometimes I'm a moron, but othertimes I have flashes of real smarts like that. So that gives me hope that maybe I'll vote right next time. I just hope Dan Rather isn't so G-darn cagey about telling me the right way to vote. Sometimes when he talks, it confuses me, and makes my head hurt somethin' fierce.

And when my head gets to achin', the only way to relieve the pain is to walk me down to the stockyards and start strangling tramps and railroad hobos in their sleep.

Just to watch them die. It makes me feel powerful, almost God-like, as if I were, I don't know, Randall "Tex" Cobb or somethin'.

Err... I reckon I shouldn't have said that. Too bad I'm such a Hee Haw doofus that I can't figure out this magic word-machine technology and delete that.

Well, I guess I gotta go. Cletus and Enos will be showin' up on my ramshackle shack's stoop to take me away any minute now, on account of that serial tramp killin' I was just tellin' y'all about, if you remember, which you probably don't, being so stupid and all.

Luckily, I just put in a new Hemi in my '64 El Camino, so I can make a fast getaway, I think.

On the other hand, it doesn't have any tires. I don't know what kind of mileage it's going to get on cinderblocks.

Either way, I got my shotgunjo. They'll never take me alive. I'll go down killin' poe-lice and playing select favorites from the Charlie Daniels Band.

More: And there's a very intelligent new liberal site on the Internet called Fuckthesouth.com.

Man, do I wish I had a brain in my head so that I could come up with this level of wit.

More LLM Geniuses! Too funny. Media photo-captioners attempt to identify helicopters and tanks; fail.

Another Blogger Confesses Her Moronity: Unlike the LLM, we're willing to admit our biases. Which, in our case, is a bias in favor of shiny objects and mail-order nunchuks.

Posted by: Ace at 09:16 AM | Comments (26)
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