Is this a spoof? Will we all find out tomorrow the always-gullible world press has been hoaxed?

Eh. We'll take our chances. It's pretty amusing:

A German couple who went to a fertility clinic after eight years of marriage have found out why they are still childless - they weren't having sex.

The University Clinic of Lubek said they had never heard of a case like it after examining the couple who went to see them last month for fertility tests.

Doctors subjected them to a series of examinations and found they were both apparently fertile, and should have had no trouble conceiving.

A clinic spokesman said: "When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: "What do you mean?".

The doctor in question insisted the couple were not "retarded people."

Well, maybe not technically. But in the looser sense of the word, there's little doubt that these two are world-class retards.

There's a bit like this in Catch-22. Doc Daneeka tells Yossarian a story of a couple who had just such difficulties, for the same reasons. When Daneeka explains to the man what he'll have to do with his wife to conceive a child, the man socks him in the jaw.

Posted by: Ace at 01:25 PM | Comments (7)
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We're not big Rush fans, although we know most of their big songs, of course; you couldn't grow up white and male in the early 80's without osmotically memorizing the chord progressions of Subdivisions.

But we figure that a lot of the readers here are big Rush fans. People who dig on Dungeons & Dragons and Road Warrior references have a high probability of being Rush fans. That's our rule, and it's served us well over the years.

It's going to be an album of covers. Texas Best Grok has more.

Posted by: Ace at 12:31 PM | Comments (10)
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The markets declined sharply today after the Philadelphia Federal Reserve Bank reported disappointing manufacturing growth in that sector.

Quick point: Since the media always reports good economic news for Bush as being actually quite bad -- as good economic news heralds rising interest rates -- will they therefore celebrate this disappointing news as being just a terrific development?

We doubt it. When it comes to the media's reporting of economic news under Republican presidencies, the glass is always half-empty, and furthermore the glass just lost its health-care benefits and got downsized from its job in favor of a cup of agua working in Belieze for 33 cents per month.

But there's some great news in the report as well:

"This will fuel optimism that manufacturing payrolls can post further gains after rising by a combined 37,000 in the last three months," said HSBC Chief Economist Ian Morris.

The Philadelphia Federal Reserve Bank said its gauge of regional industry dropped to 23.8 in May from 32.5 in April, far below economists' forecasts of a dip to 32.0.

But that still showed an expanding factory sector, for the 12th straight month, and hiring prospects improved to the best level since April 1973.

Although the increase in national factory jobs has been modest, it has ended a three-year drought, when layoffs dominated.

Cowbell Notification: Sorry, no cowbell for mixed economic news.

Posted by: Ace at 11:00 AM | Comments (1)
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Alright, this lass could probably safely stand to increase her daily caloric intake into the triple digits. And what's the deal with her apparently dating both Jack Nicholson and David Spade? What's her type, precisely? Where's the overlap there?

Both could be described as "puckish," we suppose.

But, goodness gracious, we'll take our celebrity endorsements where we can get them (last item):

Representatives for George W. Bush are hoping to recruit actress Lara Flynn Boyle for campaigning duties, after she publicly declared her support for the American President. The former star of The Practice, 34, has gone against the grain of a large number of her Hollywood counterparts to pledge her support for the Republican leader. She says, "I'm Irish Catholic, so a Democrat by blood. But I'm 100 per cent for Bush. I want my president to be like my agent: not afraid of people, but wants my best interest."

Thanks to Free Republic.

Our apologies. We thought we were above Oliver Willis-style ladmag cheesecake photos.

It turns out we're not.

You've got to admit it's a pretty good photo.

Update: Things That Make Lara Flynn Boyle So Damn Hot.

She seems to have no particular "type." She's dated both David Spade and Jack Nicholson. Obviously, she's not obsessed with one particular male body or facial type.

Are you a seventy-ish, portly balding guy who's sort of gone to seed?

Or do you look instead like a weather-beaten Anne Heche, except without all that muscle and bodyhair, who's also sort of gone to seed?

Well, if you look like either one of those, or maybe somewhere in between, it's just possible Lara Flynn Boyle will find you attractive.

The illusion of obtainability is always worth bonus hotness points in the Ace of Spades HQ Hotness Manual.

She's hot, but not perfect hot. Once again, bonus points for the illusion of obtainability.

The fact that Lara Flynn Boyle is hot, but not perfect hot, means that you can play upon her anxiety and beat down her reservoir of self-esteem in order to keep her dependent on you. You just have to say things like, "Oh, no Lara, I'm totally attracted to you. I've never been really into what some would call 'classic beauties.'"

Or, maybe, "Look, I'm always calling you beautiful. Even when all my friends and the Hollywood glitterati say you're not so beautiful, I'm always there, arguing otherwise, usually in futility. But I think you're beautiful. In the right light, you understand."

And then, when she's asleep, just keep whispering to her, "Who else could possibly love something like you?" Eventually that will sink into her subconscious.

Convince them you're doing them a favor by having sex with them. Keep them in a perpetual state of body-image anxiety. Those are the Ace of Spades HQ keys to a long and happy relationship, at least on your end.

She's a cheap date. She seems allergic to sandwiches. The typical dinner, we're thinking, would be a bottle of Evian and three Certs. Diet Certs, we mean, which contain only 33% of all that fattening Retsin found in regular Certs.

She's rich. She's not super-rich, but she's stealth-rich, which is sort of sexier. A lot of Hollywood stars get big paydays, and we always hear all about that. But Lara Flynn Boyle has been consistently working since she was a teenager in the high-paying worlds of both movie and television acting, and both of her big shows have gone into the residual-bonanza known as syndication.

You gotta figure she socked most of that cash away, investing it before the run-up in stock prices in the mid-nineties. And we've never heard of her having a drug problem.

That sounds like big cash to us.

There are female stars who top her as a far as being stealth-rich -- the Olsen Twins, Alyssa Milano -- but they're all kind of weird-looking.

She's a Republican. The cherry on the Sundae. There are a lot of wonderful women out there, but how many, really, are likely to turn to you and say, "Frankly, I think Thomas Friedman is an ego-bloated douchebag"?

That's hot. That's dirty-kinky right-wing hot.

Posted by: Ace at 10:11 AM | Comments (17)
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We've printed these stirring words before. But, with some Americans beginning to doubt the rightness of our cause, it seems it's time to print them again:

The hard fact is that so long as Saddam remains in power, he threatens the well-being of his people, the peace of his region, the security of the world. The best way to end that threat once and for all is with a new Iraqi government -- a government ready to live in peace with its neighbors, a government that respects the rights of its people....

The decision to use force is never cost-free. Whenever American forces are placed in harm's way, we risk the loss of life.... Heavy as they are, the costs of action must be weighed against the price of inaction.

If Saddam defies the world and we fail to respond, we will face a far greater threat in the future. Saddam will strike again at his neighbors. He will make war on his own people. And mark my words, he will develop weapons of mass destruction. He will deploy them, and he will use them. Because we're acting today, it is less likely that we will face these dangers in the future.

The full text of this address, and video of the Presiden'ts solemn delivery, can be found here. The language quoted above comes at around 11:08 into the speech.

Gosh, we forgot that once in a while our President -- President Clinton, that is -- got something right.

Posted by: Ace at 09:56 AM | Comments (4)
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Iraqis claim that air-attack on "wedding party" kills 40 innocents.

US disputes Iraqi claim of attack on wedding party, calling it an attack on a safe house and warehouse used by terrorist insurgents; weapons, foreign passports, and sophisticated commuication devices recovered from the targeted building.

Top Ten Signs You're at an Iraqi "Wedding Party"

10. Dress is strictly black-tie and black-bandana facial mask

9. Invitations promise "Dinner at Nine, Dancing 'till Midnight, Suicide-Bombing 'till ?..."

8. The wedding band's rendition of Signed, Sealed, Delivered contains a bassline which incorporates coded messages to Hezbollah

7. When the bride tosses the "bouquet," panicked guests run away in shrieking horror

6. The buzz of the party is whether or not the bride will take the husband's nomme de guerre

5. The best man's toast concludes, "Health, wealth, and happiness, and death to the pig-monkey Jews and infidel Crusaders"

4. The couple is registered at the Syrian Intelligence Agency

3. According to tradition, the bride's father pays for the wedding; the groom's father provides the new couple with a SATCOM radio and Katyushka surface-to-surface missiles

2. Dinner selections include prime rib, stuffed chicken, and binary-form sarin gas

...and the Number One Sign You're at an Iraqi "Wedding Party"...

1. The groom sports the traditional Iraqi handlebar moustache, as does the bride

Posted by: Ace at 08:36 AM | Comments (34)
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We keep having problems accessing the blog today.

If we keep having trouble connecting to the blog, we may switch over to our blogspot address for the day, or until our connection gets straightened out.

We apologize for the technical difficulties.

Posted by: Ace at 07:48 AM | Comments (3)
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For some time we've been arguing that we could take a wait-and-see attitude with respect to the Fallujah and Sadrists insurgents. We thought that, because we assumed there was no likely path to power for either group. The Fallujah terrorists were Sunni Baathists who would never be allowed by the Shia majority to control the country. The Sadrists were Shia, but we thought they were unpopular too, and opposed by the most influential figure among the Shia, al-Sistani.

This poll, if correct, would seem to indicate that we have to either act against Sadr quickly and forcefully or else accept the possibility that he may soon come to actual power, possibly even control of Iraq:

Respondents saw Mr Sadr as Iraq's second most influential figure after Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, the country's most senior Shia cleric. Some 32 per cent of respondents said they strongly supported Mr Sadr and another 36 per cent somewhat supported him.

The poll might be inaccurate, of course. And the "support" registered for al-Sadr might not be real support. Iraqis might be using that question to underscore their rising unhappiness with the US occupation; they might be indicating general support of al-Sadr's stated goal of ending the US occupation.

But if the poll is accurate, it illuminates a grave problem. By allowing Sadr to continue defying us with impunity, we may have made him a "strong horse" in the eyes of Iraqis-- and, as Osama bin Ladin said, between a weak horse and a strong horse Arabs and Muslims will choose the strong one.

If this is the case, we are presented with two alternatives, neither of which is pleasant or without great risk.

We could continue attempting to poltically isolate Sadr, which would seem not to be working. If it continues not working, we would have to accept the very real possibility of a President Sadr of Iraq, and the possibility that the nation will spent billions of dollars and eight hundred US soldiers' lives liberating will become a virulently anti-US, terrorist-supporting satrapy of Iran.

Or we could take firm and forceful action against him now -- as in, tomorrow, if we can catch him on the way to delivering Friday's prayers. If we killed him, we would largely end the threat of a Sadrist takeover, but we would also be faced with the real possibility of what we have always feared-- a genuine, popular, broad-based revolt against American rule.

Since our powers of prognostication have proved inadequate in the past, we'll avoid making strong arguments as to which is preferable. Although it would seem to us that between a disasterous course of action, and a course of action that risks disaster, one should go with the latter.

Bear in mind, all of that is predicated on the assumption that the poll is both accurate and actually measures what it purports to measure, i.e., genuine political support for Sadr. That assumption may not be true at all.

Iraq the Model presents an anecdote suggesting that, even in Sadr City, al-Sadr is not in fact very popular at all.

Posted by: Ace at 07:39 AM | Comments (11)
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Also stolen from FreeRepublic, news that isn't quite cowbell-worthy. But we're so desperate for COWBELL, we'll give it a little tiny cowbell gif.

Rasmussen has Bush's numbers climbing on most fronts.

42% now say Bush's leadership on Iraq is Good or Excellent, the best that figure has stood in a month. Not great, certainly-- but better than it has been.

Bush advances ahead of Kerry 45-43. Not great, but Bush had been behind. This particular finding probably doesn't mean much, as both men see-saw back and forth between 43 and 47%. Still.

Bush up three points to score 41% Good or Excellent handling on the economy. This is one to watch. Rasmussen says these are the best ratings on the economy since John Kerry won the primary.

And this is the big one: Job Approval at 52%. Not terrific, but you can, and probably would, win with that number.

Meanwhile, the generic Congressional ballot shows Republicans pulling to within the margin of error with Democrats. They had been further behind.

Posted by: Ace at 02:08 PM | Comments (7)
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Found on Free Republic:

"But speaking here in my capacity as a polished, sophisticated European as well, it seems to me the laugh here is on the polished, sophisticated Europeans. They think Americans are fat, vulgar, greedy, stupid, ambitious and ignorant and so on. And they've taken as their own, as their representative American, someone who actually embodies all of those qualities." - Christopher Hitchens on Scarborough Country

Eh. They got it from Andrew Sullivan. But we didn't. We got it from FR.

The hell with giving Andrew Sullivan a link.

Posted by: Ace at 01:58 PM | Comments (7)
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