January 15, 2013

I Got Nothin'
— Ace

But I thought maybe this would lead to jokes: Hints a woman might drop when she wants you (or wants to steal your man).

I can't even think of anything for this lame post. This one, though, is usually a "strong signal:" "My chooch is dirty, come wash it."

Posted by: Ace at 01:33 PM | Comments (175)
Post contains 55 words, total size 1 kb.

1 ace we have a troll.....(QOX/9).  Past two threads.

Posted by: Tami[/i] at January 15, 2013 01:34 PM (X6akg)

2 worse than nuthin

Posted by: teh Wind at January 15, 2013 01:35 PM (HBU8E)

3 Cafemom? Ug, that site is all about the "provacative headline, boring article".

Posted by: Wooga at January 15, 2013 01:36 PM (rIfOa)

4 Doom is always a good conversation starter.

Posted by: toby928© for TB at January 15, 2013 01:36 PM (evdj2)

5 ace we have a troll.....(QOX/9). Past two threads. Posted by: Tami at January 15, 2013 05:34 PM (X6akg) That Jack Frost prick? He's sniffed around here before. pay no never mind to him

Posted by: Nevergiveup at January 15, 2013 01:36 PM (9Bj8R)

6 These are liberal broads right? I mean conservative women already have the right man or don't need one

Posted by: Nevergiveup at January 15, 2013 01:38 PM (9Bj8R)

7 Any time a women tells you how her husband can't satisfy her, it's probably not idle chit chat.

Posted by: toby928© for TB at January 15, 2013 01:38 PM (evdj2)

8 Do you like my new assault boobehs? Here tell me if the feel real.

Posted by: Buzzsaw at January 15, 2013 01:38 PM (81UWZ)

9 Hints suck. I prefer the direct approach. Just say, "Let's fuck". Lot less mixed signals that way.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 15, 2013 01:38 PM (GFM2b)

10   You gonna finish that?

Posted by: Bruce at January 15, 2013 01:39 PM (D/OWC)

11 This one, though, is usually a "strong signal:" "My chooch is dirty, come wash it." That'll get her taken to the car wash for a power washing before being dropped off at the bus stop.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 15, 2013 01:40 PM (GFM2b)

12 Raylan to surround himself with chilluns tonight. Teachin em how to fill up his speedloaders with dumdums.

Posted by: The littl shyning man at January 15, 2013 01:40 PM (PH+2B)

13 I couldnt say where shes coming from, But I just met a lady named dinah-moe humm She stroll on over, say look here, bum, I got a forty dollar bill say you cant make me cum (yjes cant do it) She made a bet with her sister whos a little dumb She could prove it any time all men was scum I dont mind that she called me a bum, But I knew right away she was really gonna cum (so I got down to it)

Posted by: toby928© for TB at January 15, 2013 01:40 PM (evdj2)

14 I find that when a woman/stripper whips out her iPhone and shows me a picture of her vagina, that is usually a hint that she is interested in the contents of my pants (cash and/or dong).

Posted by: Wooga at January 15, 2013 01:40 PM (rIfOa)

15 "You know, it would be really sweet if you untied me for a little while"

Posted by: Hollowpoint at January 15, 2013 01:41 PM (SY2Kh)

16 I hope your wife appreciates... what a hunk you are/how funny you are/what a great guy you are.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 15, 2013 01:41 PM (piMMO)

17

Wow if that's all you need to do to get paid to write articles for some stupid women's website, then I could do that.

 

I'll write an article of 6 things a man says when he is trying to steal your woman.

 

1.  I would love to bang your girl.

 

2. I would love to get head from your girl.

 

3.  I would dump my girl to fuck yours.

 

4.  Hey baby want to go back to my bedroom?

 

5.  Dump your loser boyfriend and sleep with me.

 

6.  Hi.

 

Posted by: buzzion at January 15, 2013 01:41 PM (GULKT)

18 Perhaps she would say something like, "I want to steal your man."  Just throwing ideas out there.  Discuss.

Posted by: countrydoc at January 15, 2013 01:41 PM (zZGjJ)

19 Usually, with me  ( when I was younger ), chicks would point at my Johnson and make a funny face to signal their desire to copulate 


I might have been interpreting that wrong, though.

Posted by: Wally in Walla Walla at January 15, 2013 01:42 PM (Dll6b)

20 4 Doom is always a good conversation starter. Chris Christie is a Cacodemon.

Posted by: Bevel Lemelisk at January 15, 2013 01:42 PM (uhAkr)

21 I will put the lotion on my skin but I still think I should get the hose.

Posted by: toby928© for TB at January 15, 2013 01:42 PM (evdj2)

22


Number 6: “Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat.”


Posted by: Rev dr E buzz at January 15, 2013 01:43 PM (raGXo)

23 I know. She digs the pack of gum out of your front pocket for you.

Posted by: EC at January 15, 2013 01:44 PM (doBIb)

24 "Does this rag smell like ether?" Oh wait. That's my line. Nevermind.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 15, 2013 01:44 PM (GFM2b)

25 I'll write an article of 6 things a man says when he is trying to steal your woman. **** Tell the truth. Your girl's a straight-up freak in the sheets isn't she?

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 15, 2013 01:44 PM (piMMO)

26 Hi my name in Pitbull.

Posted by: YaHump at January 15, 2013 01:44 PM (yJlNz)

27 “Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat.”
---
I remember that.  I think someone 'volunteered', too.  Despite the 'strong vaginal smell'.

Posted by: CUS at January 15, 2013 01:44 PM (84pE9)

28 She digs the pack of gum out of your front pocket for you. With her tongue.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 15, 2013 01:45 PM (GFM2b)

29 Number 6: “Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat.” **** Laughing through tears.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 15, 2013 01:45 PM (piMMO)

30 Yeeesh

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 15, 2013 01:45 PM (UOM48)

31 I find that when a woman/stripper whips out her iPhone and shows me a picture of her vagina, that is usually a hint that she is interested in the contents of my pants (cash and/or dong).

Posted by: Wooga at January 15, 2013 05:40 PM (rIfOa)

 

 

--------------------------------------------

 

 

But mostly cash.

Posted by: Soona at January 15, 2013 01:45 PM (OSRET)

32 I bet your husband likes pancakes.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Take us away. at January 15, 2013 01:46 PM (Gk3SS)

33 The best one I ever heard was "omg I had a wild dream we were having sex", and then went into detail describing it.

Not kidding, true story.

Posted by: Berserker at January 15, 2013 01:46 PM (FMbng)

34 A guy flashed me in ATL while I was walking to the office one morning.  I laughed, pointed, and said, "It looks like a penis...only smaller."

Instant shrinkage.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 15, 2013 01:46 PM (UOM48)

35 Yeeesh **** Jump in. You know you wanna.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 15, 2013 01:46 PM (piMMO)

36

Do you have a brother????

 

hahahahaha.

 

Marco Rubio-Tom Cotton 2016 approve!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Prescient11 at January 15, 2013 01:46 PM (tVTLU)

37
"Laughing through tears."

I hear ya...I needed that one...

Goddamn West Virginia...holy shit.

I've been through there, there is some serious BFE...as well as BO.

Posted by: Rev dr E buzz at January 15, 2013 01:47 PM (raGXo)

38

"You are such a nice dresser"

"You are so smart"

"My husband would never...(fill in the blank)"

"You're so funny!..(arm touch)"

"We are going in to the city and don't want to drive..do you know a good car service?  Can we borrow yours?"

 

had an acquaintance, who was a buyer for a chain of department stores, try to give my husband a bag of "samples" of under wear.  Metallic, thong, banana hammock, Santa Hat for your johnson...and then ask him if he would ever consider wearing them, which ones, and if not why not.  Slut

 

 

 

Posted by: thunderb at January 15, 2013 01:47 PM (Dnbau)

39 The best one I ever heard was "omg I had a wild dream we were having sex", and then went into detail describing it. Not kidding, true story. **** I once told a guy I had a dream we were taking a bath together. And, it was true.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 15, 2013 01:47 PM (piMMO)

40 As for the article: women have no signals. As Shakespeare said, they ain't designed to woo. It is far, far more likely for man to believe a woman is interested in him when she isn't.

Posted by: Bevel Lemelisk at January 15, 2013 01:47 PM (uhAkr)

41 So has anyone asked Eliot Spitzer for his exspurt opinion?

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at January 15, 2013 01:48 PM (QidfK)

42 "My chooch is dirty, come wash it" she might just be upset about Ruiz' suspension

Posted by: Kozaburo at January 15, 2013 01:48 PM (S4AQU)

43 She asks if you want to join her for a nice colonic next Tuesday.

Posted by: YaHump at January 15, 2013 01:48 PM (yJlNz)

44 One time a girl I was talking to ate a maraschino cherry stem and all. Then spit out the stem tied in a knot. It was a compelling display of skill.

Posted by: MikeTheMoose is Shrugging at January 15, 2013 01:48 PM (0q2P7)

45 Do these pants make my butt look big?  And fuckable?

Posted by: polynikes at January 15, 2013 01:48 PM (m2CN7)

46 A guy flashed me in ATL while I was walking to the office one morning. I laughed, pointed, and said, "It looks like a penis...only smaller." **** Ahhhhhh. It's so cuuuuute.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 15, 2013 01:48 PM (piMMO)

47 Wash it, ~with~what~?

Posted by: MoJoTee at January 15, 2013 01:48 PM (e1kfW)

48 Wash it, ~with~what~?
---
Bleach.  And ammonia.

Posted by: CUS at January 15, 2013 01:49 PM (84pE9)

49 Then there is Stacy's Mom
http://youtu.be/dZLfasMPOU4

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at January 15, 2013 01:49 PM (QidfK)

50 Wash it, ~with~what~? **** Price check on Vagisil, aisle 47.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 15, 2013 01:49 PM (piMMO)

51 If your girl gets in the hot tub with me, I'm taking that as a sign.

Posted by: Ric Flair at January 15, 2013 01:49 PM (vmBXJ)

52 "My Chooch is dirty, come wash it" is Hillary's line at a Justin Bieber concert.

Posted by: YaHump at January 15, 2013 01:50 PM (yJlNz)

53 Young, southern girl  mating call:  "I'm so drunk!"

Posted by: Count de Monet at January 15, 2013 01:50 PM (BAS5M)

54 44 One time a girl I was talking to ate a maraschino cherry stem and all. Then spit out the stem tied in a knot. It was a compelling display of skill.



I used to get free drinks by doing Deep Throat shooters back in the day.  Take the shot glass in your teeth, (no hands!), throw it back, and lick the remnants out of the glass.


I think my husband partially fell in love with me because of that skill.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 15, 2013 01:50 PM (UOM48)

55 One time a girl I was talking to ate a maraschino cherry stem and all. Then spit out the stem tied in a knot. It was a compelling display of skill. Um, no. I'm not spending the rest of the evening trying to get the knot out of willie.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 15, 2013 01:50 PM (GFM2b)

56 Young, southern girl mating call: "I'm so drunk!" ***** Bless her heart.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 15, 2013 01:50 PM (piMMO)

57 John Rocker has opened his mouth once again, and not surprisingly, something stupid came out of it. Rocker, infamous for racial and homophobic shots at New Yorkers in 1999, has weighed in on the gun control issue and the Holocaust. Rocker, in a rambling column for the conservative website WorldNetDaily, said, “Absolute certainties are a rare thing in this life, but one I think can be collectively agreed upon is the undeniable fact that the Holocaust would have never taken place had the Jewish citizenry of Hitler's Germany had the right to bear arms and defended themselves with those arms." But he wasn’t done there. Rocker went on to rip President Obama for the “fiscal cliff” agreement and Obama care, and also accused the president of using the Sandy Hook tragedy for political gain. “ ... the one issue few members of the GOP, even fewer conservative pundits and, worse, even the National Rifle Association fail to realize is the pressing matter of our age: President Barack Obama’s decision to use the political capital garnered from the Sandy Hook tragedy to make an all-out assault on gun ownership.” Hey sounds like a pretty smart guy to me! Oh and the Daily News can go fuck themselves for injecting THEIR politics into sports. Fuck the Daily News

Posted by: Nevergiveup at January 15, 2013 01:50 PM (9Bj8R)

58 Hi Jane!

Posted by: EC at January 15, 2013 01:51 PM (doBIb)

59

It's a dead giveaway they are interested when they run your credit report.

Posted by: garrett at January 15, 2013 01:51 PM (vmBXJ)

60 I got the troll using Maet's trollbuster script. However, if it's erg, he just hops on to the next homeless-person computer at the library.

Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 01:51 PM (LCRYB)

61 I used to get free drinks by doing Deep Throat shooters back in the day. Take the shot glass in your teeth, (no hands!), throw it back, and lick the remnants out of the glass. I think my husband partially fell in love with me because of that skill. *** Oh hell. Now you've done it!

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 15, 2013 01:51 PM (piMMO)

62

For me, women have taken the direct approach. 

 

For example:  "Ya' know, if we were in your apartment right now, I'd be sucking your dick".

Posted by: Soona at January 15, 2013 01:52 PM (OSRET)

63 I used to get free drinks by doing Deep Throat shooters back in the day. Take the shot glass in your teeth, (no hands!), throw it back, and lick the remnants out of the glass. If they had whipped cream on top, they were "blow jobs".

Posted by: rickb223 at January 15, 2013 01:52 PM (GFM2b)

64 58 Hi Jane!

Posted by: EC at January 15, 2013 05:51 PM (doBIb)



*waves*  Did you get my info about lodging for BC graduation?

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 15, 2013 01:52 PM (UOM48)

65 44 One time a girl I was talking to ate a maraschino cherry stem and all. Then spit out the stem tied in a knot. It was a compelling display of skill.

Posted by: MikeTheMoose is Shrugging at January 15, 2013 05:48 PM (0q2P7)

 

I believe ParanoidGirlinSeattle has mentioned being able to do the cherry stem tied in a knot trick.

Posted by: buzzion at January 15, 2013 01:53 PM (GULKT)

66 If they had whipped cream on top, they were "blow jobs".



Oh, I did those, too.

*hopes son isn't lurking*

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 15, 2013 01:53 PM (UOM48)

67 Yup! Booked at the BW like you recommended.

Posted by: EC at January 15, 2013 01:53 PM (doBIb)

68 61 I used to get free drinks by doing Deep Throat shooters back in the day. Take the shot glass in your teeth, (no hands!), throw it back, and lick the remnants out of the glass. I'll be in my bunk.

Posted by: Sean Bannion at January 15, 2013 01:53 PM (GbIg3)

69 >>>It is far, far more likely for man to believe a woman is interested in him when she isn't. nah they have signals. men tend to believe women are interested in them, when they're not, because they never bother to actually ask the woman out (which sort of decides the matter quickly). That's why we have all these guys complaining about being in "The FriendZone." They wouldn't be in the FriendZone if they just manned up and asked the question. If they asked the question, they'd have an answer, and wouldn't be stuck in this trap of trying to merely ingratiate themselves to women. they'd be in or out.

Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 01:53 PM (LCRYB)

70 D'oh Boy in the back room on another computer, "Mom!!!!"

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at January 15, 2013 01:53 PM (QidfK)

71 If she plays with her hair, you're in.

Posted by: best, mike at January 15, 2013 01:54 PM (vmBXJ)

72 Ms D'oh,

How ya doing?

Just kidding ma'am.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 15, 2013 01:54 PM (LRFds)

73 For me, women have taken the direct approach.

For example: "Ya' know, if we were in your apartment right now, I'd be sucking your dick".

Posted by: Soona at January 15, 2013 05:52 PM (OSRET)



Same here. the best one I heard yet was "when I get done sucking you off you'll have to pull the bedsheets out of your ass".


I actually had heard a similar version of that before, but the fact she even used that line was.......


fucking awsome

Posted by: Berserker at January 15, 2013 01:54 PM (FMbng)

74 Another time I had a girl look me in the eye and say:

"It's my birthday and I don't want to go home alone."

Subtle. Like bulldozer.

Posted by: MikeTheMoose is Shrugging at January 15, 2013 01:54 PM (0q2P7)

75 Jewish Girl: " Is that a huge diamond ring in your pocket or are you just happy to see me"?

Posted by: Nevergiveup at January 15, 2013 01:54 PM (9Bj8R)

76 60 I got the troll using Maet's trollbuster script. However, if it's erg, he just hops on to the next homeless-person computer at the library.

Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 05:51 PM (LCRYB




I believe it's Toure. 

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 15, 2013 01:55 PM (UOM48)

77 "May I see your license and registration?"

Posted by: Serious Cat at January 15, 2013 01:55 PM (UypUQ)

78 70 Ms Puma,

Heh, or he's jaded enough by Okinawa he just shrugs.

You know how it is.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 15, 2013 01:55 PM (LRFds)

79 If you're so big, why don't you meet me in the alley with 15 of my drunk soccer hooligan friends?

Oh, won't show up? Not tough enough to take me on with 25 of my friends? Coward !!!

Posted by: Piers Morgan at January 15, 2013 01:55 PM (wwsoB)

80 "A lot of married women say don't like doggie 'cause it hurts their back. I think that's silly."

Posted by: Honestly.happened.once at January 15, 2013 01:55 PM (Q8Wa9)

81

  They wouldn't be in the FriendZone if they just manned up and asked the question.

 

 Teach us, Pancake Master.

Posted by: garrett at January 15, 2013 01:55 PM (vmBXJ)

82 If she plays with her hair, you're in.
---
I have heard that, but it does not compute.  I am a guy, I have a simple brain.

Posted by: CUS at January 15, 2013 01:55 PM (84pE9)

83 They wouldn't be in the FriendZone if they just manned up and asked the question. I guess "So, wanna fuck?" isn't the correct question?

Posted by: rickb223 at January 15, 2013 01:55 PM (GFM2b)

84 used to do something called an unside down margarita where you lay on the bar and they pour tequila in your mouth.  Is that a sign?

Posted by: thunderb at January 15, 2013 01:55 PM (Dnbau)

85 74 MikeTheMoose,

I never have anything witty to say in those situations.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 15, 2013 01:56 PM (LRFds)

86 "Let's exchange phone numbers, and DNA samples."
 
"I'm hotter than Georgia asphalt."
 
"I can hear your balls rumbling from here."

Posted by: GnuBreed at January 15, 2013 01:56 PM (ccXZP)

87 >>> I guess "So, wanna fuck?" isn't the correct question? that's better than nothing, actually.

Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 01:56 PM (LCRYB)

88 I'll take "Things I Never Hear" for $600, Alex.

Posted by: Truman North at January 15, 2013 01:56 PM (I2LwF)

89 They wouldn't be in the FriendZone if they just manned up and asked the question. That could be true. One of the great things about being married is I don't have to worry about this crap anymore. I kinda understand my wife and I don't need to understand any other women

Posted by: Bevel Lemelisk at January 15, 2013 01:57 PM (uhAkr)

90 Is there anything more pathetic than a Republican State Senator in NY. These idiots voted with Cuomo on the Gun Ban, and actually have the majority in the Chamber.

How many US House seats do we have there? I say the GOP gives up on the state completely and let it rot

Posted by: Jack J at January 15, 2013 01:57 PM (inOFh)

91 One time a girl I was talking to ate a maraschino cherry stem and all. Then spit out the stem tied in a knot. It was a compelling display of skill.


Ahhhh yes.   That's always a classic.


http://youtu.be/NudxprfTY0I

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Take us away. at January 15, 2013 01:57 PM (Gk3SS)

92 69 Ace,

The other issue is not grasping that women handle intimacy, affection, and carnal needs as rather segmented and not necessarily entwined things.

ARGH

I am so glad I have been stable for 20+ years now.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 15, 2013 01:58 PM (LRFds)

93

"My roomate and I can't decide which one of us should take you home."

 

I'm pretty sure I could have closed the deal with the one.

Posted by: garrett at January 15, 2013 01:58 PM (vmBXJ)

94

That cherry stem trick is really easy...

And it's "better" for guys, doncha think?

Tie a stem up, place it between your cheek and gum, like you would if you were in West Virginia or Western PA, and swap that one out with the one you inserted in your mouth.


Posted by: Rev dr E buzz at January 15, 2013 01:58 PM (raGXo)

95 Chemical weapons used in Syria http://tinyurl.com/cje54dg

Posted by: The Political Hat at January 15, 2013 01:58 PM (XvHmy)

96 82 If she plays with her hair, you're in. I have heard that, but it does not compute. I am a guy, I have a simple brain.Posted by: CUS at January 15, 2013 05:55 PM (84pE9) He meant pubic hair. Still too subtle?

Posted by: Sean Bannion at January 15, 2013 01:59 PM (GbIg3)

97 60 I got the troll using Maet's trollbuster script. However, if it's erg, he just hops on to the next homeless-person computer at the library.

Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 05:51 PM

What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? Had you come to me in friendship, then this scum that trolled your blog would be suffering this very day. And that by chance if an honest man such as yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you

Posted by: Ace's Godfather at January 15, 2013 01:59 PM (wwsoB)

98 91 AlexTheChick,

and it is a dual threat in a portion of female kind.

My ex was at least as impressed with one bartender's skill at that as i was.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 15, 2013 01:59 PM (LRFds)

99

I kinda understand my wife

 

It's okay to lie to yourself, but you shouldn't lie to us.

Posted by: garrett at January 15, 2013 01:59 PM (vmBXJ)

100 Another example:  "Too many times I've passed up fucking a guy like you.  I want to make amends".

Posted by: Soona at January 15, 2013 01:59 PM (OSRET)

101 >>For me, women have taken the direct approach.

Yeah.  Me too.  "I have a gun."

Posted by: angler at January 15, 2013 01:59 PM (SwjAj)

102 96 Sean bannion,

Well it depends.

Is it hello pleased to meet your oral, or where's my ring oral?

Posted by: sven10077 at January 15, 2013 01:59 PM (LRFds)

103 I snagged my husband by asking him to protect me from a douchebag at a party.  I really did want him to act like he was with me to keep the douchebag off me, but D'oh thought I was actually hitting on him.

I was semi-attracted to D'oh that night.  He grew on me pretty quickly.  Heh.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 15, 2013 01:59 PM (UOM48)

104 He meant pubic hair. Still too subtle? Nah. That'll work.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 15, 2013 02:00 PM (GFM2b)

105

I remember the story about the guy whose pick up line was, every time with every chick:

 

"Wanna fuck?"

 

Apparently he got slapped a lot but also got laid a lot....

Posted by: Prescient11 at January 15, 2013 02:00 PM (tVTLU)

106 Well TPH explains why Assad and family were off-shore.  Now if those Russian warships would accidentally fire a torpedo at them...

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at January 15, 2013 02:00 PM (QidfK)

107 there was some Internet Controversy lately about some Tumbler account that screencapped a bunch of self-described "nice guys" from OKCupid whining about being stuck "in the FriendZone" and how bitches ain't shit and all that. The only thing sadder than a woman pining over the "mixed signals" a guy she likes (who does not like her) is sending is a dude doing that. There are really very few mixed signals. 99% of "mixed signals" are plainly negative signals being sent but then distorted by huge amounts of wishful thinking and result-driven "logic."

Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 02:00 PM (LCRYB)

108
Not sure, but "let me make you a sammich" might give me a clue.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at January 15, 2013 02:00 PM (p/cQy)

109

The funniest direct pick up line from a guy is:

 

I wonder if you could settle a bet between me and my friend.  He say's you have sparkling blue green eyes and I say you're a dirty little girl .  

Posted by: polynikes at January 15, 2013 02:00 PM (m2CN7)

110 Big Bang Theory: Pick Up Lines

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dwrXInUh0M

Posted by: Ace's Godfather at January 15, 2013 02:01 PM (wwsoB)

111 "...they'd be in or out. "

Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 05:53 PM (LCRYB)

Yes....but asking the question risks rejection. if you never ask, and just go with the ones who are more forward, then you are batting 1.000!

Not getting laid very much, but still!

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at January 15, 2013 02:01 PM (GsoHv)

112 "BOOM I got your boyfriend...I got your man!"

Posted by: DangerGirl at January 15, 2013 02:01 PM (GrtrJ)

113 Another example and then I have to go to work:  "Two years ago I was such a prick tease to you.  How can I make it up".

Posted by: Soona at January 15, 2013 02:01 PM (OSRET)

114 I get in enough trouble because of my wife's dreams, you know, "I dreamed last night you were hitting on this girl" (how the f am I in trouble for that? Woman logic.), that I've killed that little bit of the brain that could have noticed. Signals? She could dance naked and I wouldn't know.

Posted by: RoyalOil at January 15, 2013 02:02 PM (imtbm)

115 >>>I wonder if you could settle a bet between me and my friend. He say's you have sparkling blue green eyes and I say you're a dirty little girl . was your father a thief? Because I'm gonna get that shit pregnant.

Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 02:02 PM (LCRYB)

116 There are really very few mixed signals. 99% of "mixed signals" are plainly negative signals being sent but then distorted by huge amounts of wishful thinking and result-driven "logic." Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 06:00 PM (LCRYB) So it's a lot like voting for Romney then.

Posted by: Sean Bannion at January 15, 2013 02:02 PM (GbIg3)

117

"You should be in porn." 

Proved succesful 1 : 8 times in our informal survey. 

Posted by: garrett at January 15, 2013 02:02 PM (vmBXJ)

118
Ohh, I forgot about Stacy's mom, good recall.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at January 15, 2013 02:02 PM (p/cQy)

119 There are really very few mixed signals. 99% of "mixed signals" are plainly negative signals being sent but then distorted by huge amounts of wishful thinking and result-driven "logic."

Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 06:00 PM (LCRYB)

 

Exactly correct

Posted by: The Jackhole at January 15, 2013 02:03 PM (nTgAI)

120 Usually women that come on that aggressively are, how do I put this, pretty fuck'n scary. I normally bolt, I sure as hell don't want them in my house the next morning.

Posted by: lowandslow at January 15, 2013 02:03 PM (7Nq2G)

121 89 bevel L,

Yeah pretty much hell if I am being very ethical I can have a nice conversation when i am designated driver for a bachelor party with a few strippers and not wonder at all...well much what happy noises they make and whether they can clap their feet behind their head.

The only stripper I was halfway interested in was a cute lesbian who was having trouble avoiding the airline pilot's advances whose girlfriend looked like Kathy Bates in misery and probably could have handled my ex-army butt and the birthday boy's Air force butt had we stayed within Marquis of Queensbury's rules.

I tipped her 20 not in her panties winked at her and unasssed the AO.

Ah "maturity"

Posted by: sven10077 at January 15, 2013 02:04 PM (LRFds)

122 Usually women that come on that aggressively are, how do I put this, pretty fuck'n scary. I normally bolt, I sure as hell don't want them in my house the next morning. **** that's why you go to HER house

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 15, 2013 02:04 PM (piMMO)

123 Okay.  One more:  "I turned 18 last week".

Posted by: Soona at January 15, 2013 02:04 PM (OSRET)

124 Anothe clue that she   wants  you is if she takes off her panties and uses them to make a ponytail hair scrunchie.  At the table.

Posted by: Count de Monet at January 15, 2013 02:05 PM (BAS5M)

125 So it's a lot like voting for Romney then. Posted by: Sean Bannion at January 15, 2013 06:02 PM (GbIg3)


Your words are hurtful. 

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Take us away. at January 15, 2013 02:05 PM (Gk3SS)

126 my mother met my father when she hit him in the head with an icicle.  I met my husband when I informed his commander I didn't have to justify myself to an asshole like him.  We are more like "Taming of the Shrew" wooers.

Posted by: thunderb at January 15, 2013 02:05 PM (Dnbau)

127 new Jew hater thread above

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 15, 2013 02:05 PM (piMMO)

128 Danced with a chick during a night out with friends in a college town.

her: "So you ready to move this to someplace private?"
me: "See that girl over there? She's my wife"
her: "Cool she can come"
me: "I think you're missing the point"

Just because the leash is long, doesn't mean I'm not on it.

Posted by: MikeTheMoose is Shrugging at January 15, 2013 02:05 PM (0q2P7)

129 that's why you go to HER house No! That's where the acid bath is!

Posted by: Sean Bannion at January 15, 2013 02:05 PM (GbIg3)

130

Worst pick up line ever in history ever.

 

Don't let this rape turn into a murder.

Posted by: polynikes at January 15, 2013 02:06 PM (m2CN7)

131 I had a bat-shit crazy roommate when I met my husband.  She was beautiful, and smart, but stalkerish.

We fixed her up with a great friend of my husband's, they went out on one date, and he figured out pretty quickly she was nuts.

They never dated again, but I would hear her talking to her mother or sister about how they were "getting engaged."

Thankfully, while D'oh and I were on vacation, she moved out without warning.  I've never been so relieved in my life.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 15, 2013 02:06 PM (UOM48)

132 120 lowandslow,

Yeah that is good judgement or wisdom talking, I lacked some restraint in high school.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 15, 2013 02:07 PM (LRFds)

133 Geez, you guys must've known girls from the Algonquin Round Table. Nothing that subtle ever came my way True examples; 1) "Hey, wanna see my new tattoo?" Bends deeply over desk, hikes skirt fully above her bare except for stringed ass. 2) Hey, do you think this blouse is to tight? Braless, shoulders back, headlights on high. 3) Comes over topless at Barton Springs - "Hey natural fake, I didn't know you were here. Can you help put sunscreen on my back?" Etc. Honestly, I can hardly remember a subtle verbal come on that didn't include a pretty clear physical indication of interest. Or maybe I was just too stupid to catch the subtle stuff...

Posted by: naturalfake at January 15, 2013 02:07 PM (UgFxe)

134 "17 I'll write an article of 6 things a man says when he is trying to steal your woman. 1. I would love to bang your girl. 2. I would love to get head from your girl. 3. I would dump my girl to fuck yours. 4. Hey baby want to go back to my bedroom? 5. Dump your loser boyfriend and sleep with me. 6. Hi. Posted by: buzzion" So, men are more direct.

Posted by: nerdygirl at January 15, 2013 02:09 PM (c2kdv)

135 I once had a woman send her sister to tell me "My sister wants to have your baby."  Sister was with boyfriend/husband.  I think she was looking to get her brother in law in a fight of some kind.  I saw no need to start anything...kind of pudgy.

Posted by: Paladin at January 15, 2013 02:11 PM (ROXo4)

136 134 nerdygirl,

You misspelled "simple"

Heh hahaha

Posted by: sven10077 at January 15, 2013 02:11 PM (LRFds)

137

6. Hi.
Posted by: buzzion"

 

7. "No way you're hittin' that right."

Posted by: garrett at January 15, 2013 02:12 PM (vmBXJ)

138 130 hah. Did it work, or...?

Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 02:12 PM (LCRYB)

139 The eye fuck is the best, no words need to be said, just the way us men like it.

Posted by: Adam Smith's Invisible Pimp Hand at January 15, 2013 02:14 PM (NzBQO)

140 >>hah. Did it work, or...?

He ended up smothering her with his man-breasts.

Posted by: angler at January 15, 2013 02:14 PM (SwjAj)

141 settle a bet for me, does this rag smell like ether?

Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 02:16 PM (LCRYB)

142 "Have I ever told you about the time I shit myself in the Whit House?"

Posted by: Al Roker at January 15, 2013 02:16 PM (vmBXJ)

143 that's why you go to HER house No! That's where the acid bath is! ***** It will only hurt for a minute.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 15, 2013 02:18 PM (piMMO)

144 Can you help me lift this couch into the back of this van? 

Posted by: angler at January 15, 2013 02:18 PM (SwjAj)

145 142 Al Roker,

So you're going to Roseanna Barr's tonight Al?

Posted by: sven10077 at January 15, 2013 02:18 PM (LRFds)

146 If she says that she will Love you long time, GI, she's interested.

Posted by: toby928© at January 15, 2013 02:21 PM (QupBk)

147 you remind me of my sister I murdered.

Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 02:23 PM (LCRYB)

148 My friends call me Slap-Chop Vince, because you're gonna love my nuts.

Posted by: Prothonotary Warbler at January 15, 2013 02:23 PM (8KGvR)

149 147 Ace,

You're Tony McCluskie?


Posted by: sven10077 at January 15, 2013 02:24 PM (LRFds)

150 141 settle a bet for me, does this rag smell like ether?

Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 06:16 PM (LCRYB)

 

You mean Chloroform.

Posted by: buzzion at January 15, 2013 02:25 PM (GULKT)

151 Want to come back to my place and check out my human hair collection?

Posted by: garrett at January 15, 2013 02:26 PM (vmBXJ)

152 Attention single men:  Never, ever invite a woman over for a first date to "make dinner."

Really attractive, smart, funny guy asked me to come to his apt. for dinner on the first date.  He didn't seem "rapey" so I went.  Put me to work as his damned sous chef, chopping veggies, sauteing...ugh.  Even had me set the table.

No. Thanks.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 15, 2013 02:27 PM (UOM48)

153 I'm just a quiet guy who keeps mostly to himself that no one ever suspected of having a wall of teeth.

Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 02:27 PM (LCRYB)

154 >>>Really attractive, smart, funny guy asked me to come to his apt. for dinner on the first date. He didn't seem "rapey" so I went. Put me to work as his damned sous chef, chopping veggies, sauteing...ugh. Even had me set the table. smart move by him. you gotta see if they take instruction well.

Posted by: ace at January 15, 2013 02:28 PM (LCRYB)

155 I usually just make them take the roast out of the oven, Jane.

Posted by: garrett at January 15, 2013 02:29 PM (vmBXJ)

156 *dagger eyes at Ace*

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 15, 2013 02:32 PM (UOM48)

157 I shared this on an ONT back a few years ago:

Said to me in my cube one fine October day in '07 by a very cute woman 18 yrs. my junior:

"I really like you and I really want to fuck you."

Strangely, I did not tell my wife about that conversation when I got home. 

Posted by: goozer at January 15, 2013 02:32 PM (vsmH2)

158 What about "Drill me so hard that when the lucky bastard finally pulls it out he will be named King Arthur"

Posted by: CheshireLion at January 15, 2013 02:32 PM (zNDIM)

159 We were going to have a dick sucking contest, and were wondering if you'd be the judge?

Posted by: teransolo at January 15, 2013 02:33 PM (+wAto)

160 Her lips said no no, but her eyes said "read my lips"

Posted by: Niles Crane at January 15, 2013 02:33 PM (wwsoB)

161 So-o-o-o Jane, did you know that human flesh is supposed to taste just like pork? Just. Like. It. I mean, heh, I mean we could be eating human flesh,right now and and and you'd never know it....

Posted by: Non-rapey Cooking Guy at January 15, 2013 02:36 PM (UgFxe)

162 Jailbabes: http://goo.gl/lk6H8 They are unusually cute. Though they seem shy about listing why they are in the slammer -- not a good sign.

Posted by: waldo at January 15, 2013 02:38 PM (H96hE)

163 How I Won those 2 dead wives of mine? ( Details are in my nick but you would have to wade thru 100's of mawkish pages to get it.... ) Miss Helen? I grabbed her and I kissed her. She kissed me back. I'd noticed her two other suitors never touched her. I saw them at nightspots and they wheeled her in ( Yes, she was handicapped ) fed her, gave her drinks. But they never touched her. I did and that was all it took. She never saw either again. Miss Emily? She had 3 men chasing her. A Jeweler, a MENSA guy, and a Rhodes scholar. She made me curry chicken at her house. I made meat loaf & potatoes at mine. We started kissing on the hammock by the pool and a trail of discarded clothes led to the bed. After the festivities were over we laid side by side smoking. She turned to me and said in that beautiful deep contralto voice of hers “You know why I did this? It was all the garlic you put in that meatloaf. I love smelly stuff....” That encouraged me. She didn't jump up, look at her crotch & run away. She also didn't grab me with protestations of Eternal Love. She gave me a funny answer. So I asked her a question that really had been bothering me- remember, I never formally got past the eighth grade.... “Emily, what did you really think of those brainy guys?” “They were overeducated assholes.” That, is when I knew she was a “good one.” And yes, the Cute Cat Lady I'm seeing and who sometimes is my boss is another. I can't say how it will work out- but? It's “interesting....” -30-

Posted by: backhoe at January 15, 2013 02:46 PM (ULH4o)

164 Ace's date:

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you....OMG, it is a gun....okay, I'll get in the van...."

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 15, 2013 02:46 PM (UOM48)

165 Huh. One says she's widowed and in for "domestic homicide." I hope that means she killed her husband and not her kids.

Posted by: waldo at January 15, 2013 02:46 PM (H96hE)

166 "You'll have to do." Who cares, had sex.

Posted by: Max Entropy at January 15, 2013 02:56 PM (qcd8f)

167 A bat shit crazy lawyer I dated for a year or so opened with "Are you fixed?"

Posted by: butternut at January 15, 2013 02:59 PM (nbYoV)

168 You mean Chloroform. Ether is cheaper, and unregulated, and we're nothing if not cheap and unregulated.

Posted by: toby928© at January 15, 2013 03:00 PM (QupBk)

169 164 Jane D'oh,

Ace: You might want to step over that Hobo he's being properly aged.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 15, 2013 03:06 PM (LRFds)

170 I was in Brazil a few years ago and an (obvious) prostitute sidled up to me on the street and pointed at my wife's crotch and said 'roughly translated' - "Her fish is probably small and wrinkly" and winked at me and pulled and squeezed and hurt my arm.  WTF!!!??  Serious mental injury list.

Posted by: pet at January 15, 2013 03:10 PM (r0DVT)

171 170 pet,

The wife and I were propositioned by a pro in Montreal on our honeymoon.

We declined as well.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 15, 2013 03:21 PM (LRFds)

172

I was at a Trace Atkins concert and left our group to go get a beer. There was this extremely hot young brunette waiting for her turn at the counter. A couple of smartasses were harassing her, hitting on her pretty hard. I'm a big guy and I pushed my way between 'em and thumbed my cowboy hat back. I growled, " I can't believe I can't take my baby sister out to a concert without some scrawny ass punk messing with her." Them boys cleared out and I left with a date I didn't arrive with. True story.

 

Published in Penthouse Forum. No, really.

Posted by: Pecan Scandi at January 15, 2013 03:52 PM (Uamfo)

173 Shit! Always the last one on a thread.

Posted by: Pecan Scandi at January 15, 2013 03:58 PM (Uamfo)

174 A pecan sandi.....What is the "penthouse"????


haha.  At least now you're not last!!!!

Posted by: pet at January 15, 2013 04:11 PM (r0DVT)

Posted by: Vic at January 16, 2013 01:50 AM (53z96)

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