My mailbox has filled up during my sickness. Here's some funny ones:

A bit late now, but you can still play Garfield Ridge's Strip State of the Union Game if you recorded it.

Curbside Prophet notes that NPR is now aping my appreciation for more cowbell, with this radio essay on the cowbell in rock 'n roll history.

John Wuzzadem has an excellent Hardball parody, in which Chrissy and Andrea Mitchell attempt to figure out which of the Beverly Hillbillies each Bush Administration official corresponds to.

Or maybe, once again, it's just a verbatim transcript. Hard to say. Either way, it's funny.

In the "A Gallon of Irony Spilled and Not One Drop Splashed On Her" Category comes Wonkette calling the State of the Union "vapid."

Wonkette deeming something vapid. I'll just let that sink in for a bit. (Thanks, Nick!)

Not again! They haven't just captured little-known "Cody" of Dragon Action Figures; now they've gone too far, capturing a true American icon.

But don't worry. A rescue operation is being mounted as we speak.

And still more! "Cody's" sister has joined the team.

Hobgoblin wonders where Al Qaeda got the idea to bring puppets into this. Maybe from Ralph Nader...?

And of course Republicans are known for nothing if not their prediliction for starving the aged. Turns out the the Washington Post says we threatened to starve Iraqis too (old folks, I'm sure, who can't pay for both food and medicine) unless they voted.

Via Ghost of a Flea comes this important essay on convincing your girlfriend to have Dungeons & Dragons themed sex.

Step One is obtaining an actual girlfriend, which, I imagine for most of us, is the bitch of the bunch.

Thanks for that to Bill from InDC, who celebrated his anniversary a couple of days ago. Sorry, Bill. I was so sick and out of it I never linked you.

And this isn't funny at all. A beloved Phoenix policeman suffered horribly disfiguring burns after a car accident, and the genuises and moral philosophers at Weekly World News have been so kind as to name him one of the world's ten ugliest people.

The other nine are the cretins on the WWN's editorial board.

Finally, a lot of people are sending me this. Apparently a 13-year-old running a site called Austin's Blog took a pic from Blogs for Bush and didn't link or otherwise attribution. Everyone then began screaming about it, including B4B, Jordan from Cheese and Crackers, and the boy's mom.

I think there's some overreaction here, but I do think the kid screwed up badly. You don't swipe people's stuff without crediting, and that's true whether you're 13 or 50.

At any rate, the brouhaha seems to be the talk of the Internet today. Discuss among yourselves.

Posted by: Ace at 10:44 AM | Comments (82)
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I don't think I've been as sick as I was yesterday for at least eight years. I'm still wobbly, but I'll start posting againg today. Thanks for bearing with me.

PS, had vitamin C, chicken soup, showers, as was suggested. Seems to have helped.

Posted by: Ace at 09:54 AM | Comments (7)
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My upper respiratory bug is now a full-on fever with chills (and no, cowbell won't cure it). I'll do a little linking, but I'm pretty out of it today.

Posted by: Ace at 10:00 AM | Comments (24)
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1. Eason Jordan. Last seen covering up for Saddam's atrocities in order to keep a CNN bureau open in Baghdad, Jordan now makes the unsubstantiated claim that the American military has targeted and killed 12 journalists in Iraq:

During one of the discussions about the number of journalists killed in the Iraq War, Eason Jordan asserted that he knew of 12 journalists who had not only been killed by US troops in Iraq, but they had in fact been targeted. He repeated the assertion a few times, which seemed to win favor in parts of the audience (the anti-US crowd) and cause great strain on others.

Due to the nature of the forum, I was able to directly challenge Eason, asking if he had any objective and clear evidence to backup these claims, because if what he said was true, it would make Abu Ghraib look like a walk in the park. David Gergen was also clearly disturbed and shocked by the allegation that the U.S. would target journalists, foreign or U.S. He had always seen the U.S. military as the providers of safety and rescue for all reporters.

Eason seemed to backpedal quickly, but his initial statements were backed by other members of the audience (one in particular who represented a worldwide journalist group). The ensuing debate was (for lack of better words) a real "sh--storm". What intensified the problem was the fact that the session was a public forum being taped on camera, in front of an international crowd. The other looming shadow on what was going on was the presence of a U.S. Congressman and a U.S. Senator in the middle of some very serious accusations about the U.S. military.

2. Ward Churchill. Read this bastard's sick essay here:

"Some People Push Back"

On the Justice of Roosting Chickens

[He's talking about 9-11, folks.]

...

On the morning of September 11, 2001, a few more chickens – along with some half-million dead Iraqi children – came home to roost in a very big way at the twin towers of New York's World Trade Center. Well, actually, a few of them seem to have nestled in at the Pentagon as well.
...

There may be a real utility to reflecting further, this time upon the fact that it was pious Americans who led the way in assigning the onus of collective guilt to the German people as a whole, not for things they as individuals had done, bur for what they had allowed – nay, empowered – their leaders and their soldiers to do in their name.

If the principle was valid then, it remains so now, as applicable to Good Americans as it was the Good Germans. And the price exacted from the Germans for the faultiness of their moral fiber was truly ghastly. ...

Meet the "Terrorists"

... The most that can honestly be said of those involved on September 11 is that they finally responded in kind to some of what this country has dispensed to their people as a matter of course.

That they waited so long to do so is, notwithstanding the 1993 action at the WTC, more than anything a testament to their patience and restraint.

They did not license themselves to "target innocent civilians."

There is simply no argument to be made that the Pentagon personnel killed on September 11 fill that bill. The building and those inside comprised military targets, pure and simple. As to those in the World Trade Center . . .

Well, really. Let's get a grip here, shall we? True enough, they were civilians of a sort. But innocent? Gimme a break. They formed a technocratic corps at the very heart of America's global financial empire – the "mighty engine of profit" to which the military dimension of U.S. policy has always been enslaved – and they did so both willingly and knowingly. Recourse to "ignorance" – a derivative, after all, of the word "ignore" – counts as less than an excuse among this relatively well-educated elite. To the extent that any of them were unaware of the costs and consequences to others of what they were involved in – and in many cases excelling at – it was because of their absolute refusal to see. More likely, it was because they were too busy braying, incessantly and self-importantly, into their cell phones, arranging power lunches and stock transactions, each of which translated, conveniently out of sight, mind and smelling distance, into the starved and rotting flesh of infants. If there was a better, more effective, or in fact any other way of visiting some penalty befitting their participation upon the little Eichmanns inhabiting the sterile sanctuary of the twin towers, I'd really be interested in hearing about it.

...

"You've got to learn, " the line went, "that when you push people around, some people push back."

As they should.

As they must.

And as they undoubtedly will.

There is justice in such symmetry.

All emphases added.

Incidentally, on the Brit Hume report tonight, this cocksucker said that the fact that his job was now on the line -- that there was a furor over these viciously treacherous remarks -- that people were expressing their disgust with him -- constituted, get this, "terrorism" against him.

Get that?

Bombing the WTC wasn't terrorism.

Getting this fuckbag denied tenure, on the other hand, is terrorism.

I've fucking had it. Free speech and all that, but there is a fucking line. And when you actively root for America's enemies, and give them aid and succor, you've fucking crossed it.

You don't like this country? Then be a man, grow a pair, and get the fuck out.

I'm not suggesting we prosecute you. I'm not saying we should lock you up.

I'm suggesting you have the courage of your lack of convictions and just fucking go already.

Voluntarily. Leave. Get the fuck out. Go somewhere where it won't be treasonous to defend the mass-murder of 2800 Americans. You know-- like, hint-hint, Canada.

Or just go to one of those foreign third-world paradises you're forever fucking nattering on about, you effete cocksucking traitors.

But wherever you go, just go.

Get. The Fuck. Out.

Go already. You don't like America; let me presume to speak on behalf of America and be the first to tell you the feeling is eminently mutual.

Let's admit this relationship just isn't working and part on civil terms, yes-yes?

Posted by: Ace at 11:21 PM | Comments (68)
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I think I've already mentioned this, but it's so cool it's worth linking again.

Quinn said it was a “bootstrap development process” to convert a Talon robot, which has been in military service since 2000, from its main mission - defusing roadside bombs in Iraq- into the gunslinging SWORDS.

...

The $200,000, armed version will carry standard-issue Squad Automatic Weapons —- The SWORDS can fire about 300 rounds using the M240 and about 350 rounds using the M249 before needing to reload.

...

A typical soldier who could hit a target the size of a basketball from 300 meters away could hit a target the size of a nickel with the SWORDS, according Quinn.

The better accuracy stems largely from the fact that its gun is mounted on a stable platform and fired electronically, rather than by a soldierÂ’s hands, according to Staff Sgt. Santiago Tordillos of the EOD Technology Directorate at Picatinny. Gone are such issues as trigger recoil, anticipation problems, and pausing the breathing cycle while aiming a weapon.

“It eliminates the majority of shooting errors you would have,” said Tordillos.

Chances are good the SWORDS will get even more deadly in the future. It has been tested with the larger .50 caliber machine guns as well as rocket and grenade launchers - even an experimental weapon made by the Australian company Metal Storm LLC that packs multiple rocket rounds into a single barrel, allowing for much more rapid firing.

I think every one of these bastards should be fitted with a jet black cowboy hat, just like Yul Brenner in Westworld.

More at the link.

Posted by: Ace at 08:52 PM | Comments (13)
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When I was in Sundance, I met a kid who was perfectly joyous about everything in life. He was pleased as punch to be there; he was unrelentingly optimistic and upbeat; he was genuinely happy to meet new people and hear about their projects; he spoke in soothingly melodic lilt, and always had a reasuring smile on his face.

I couldn't stand the fucking sight of him. Sometimes when I would hear his Up With People voice I was nearly overcome by the desire to tear off his arms and then beat him to death with his own limbs.

Well, he told me he'd come down with a very bad upper-respiratory cold that was going all through town, and that I'd better take a lot of Vitamin C and try to stay six feet from everybody if I didn't want to catch it.

Knowing full well that I had the immune system of a god -- not capital-G God, mind you, but a lesser, mythological god like, say, Apollo, or maybe Thor; whichever one is more mantastic -- I ignored him.

Ignoring him seemed like a good idea. It spared me a murder and interstate felony flight rap.

Well, sonofabitch, if I didn't catch that stupid bug. I am now so sick I am walking around on the verge of falling over from dizziness and weariness.

And no matter how much Susan-Estrich-Strength Robitussin I suck down, I have the dry, deathly cough of the pederast chained to the bed in Seven. It's one thing to have a "productive cough" when you're producing mucous; it's another thing to be producing crypt-dust and what appears to be the sort of sparkling silica most commonly found in cobalt mines.

And yet, I have blogged.

That's how damn-bastard committed I am to providing the best stupid-shit-I-just-thought-of-off-the-top-of-my-head for you, my dear readers.

PS, SiteMeter Sucks: And on a day when I get linked by Instapundit and ASV and a bunch of other good folks, my SiteMeter decides to go down for three of my biggest hours, resulting in zero hits since 4:30PM EST.

And because it was crapping out, it made the site difficult to load for a couple of hours during that period.

Thanks a lot, guys! That'll help with the advertising.

Jagoffs.

Posted by: Ace at 03:18 PM | Comments (21)
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Jessica seems to think it's unnecessarily baiting.

I, on the other hand, think it's a well-deserved statement of gratitude.

Posted by: Ace at 02:26 PM | Comments (12)
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NRO has an enormous scoop-- George W. Bush taking out Osama bin Ladin!

And there's a picture and everything!

(Don't think there's much chance AP will pick this one up, though.)

Posted by: Ace at 12:53 PM | Comments (6)
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10. "If the UN does not immediately withdraw support for the US occupation of Iraq, the Jihad Brotherhood will cut off one of Papa Smurf's three fingers"

9. "We have captured Rainbow Brite, and we will hang her as an infidel at dawn"

8. "Al-Zarqawi is pleased to announce new reinforcements in his jihad-- COBRA Commander and Megatron of the Decepticons (also, we may get that completely useless robot who can turn into a fuckin' tape-recorder)"

7. "If the American infidels do not depart Iraq immediately, the streets will run black with the ink of a thousand Etch-a-Sketches"

6. "I swear to Allah, if you do not release our brave warriors held in captivity, by next week Garfield the cat will have a whole new reason to hate Mondays"

5. "You have no chance of defeating us in Iraq, in Afghanistan, or in high-stakes games of Hungry Hungry Hippos"

4. "We have Jarts and we're not afraid to use them"

3. "If our demands are not met immediately, we will begin pestering your female soldiers with our great stockpiles of Mr. Microphones; they will not be able to sleep, for our constant utterances of Hey good-looking, be back to pick you up later!"

2. "Deliver Donald Rumsfeld to us as a war criminal for trial or we will take our collection of Muppets and pose them in the most insidiously-sexual of manners; verily, your children will weep bitter tears when they witness Elmo being sodomized by the deviant Gonzo and his pansexual chickens"

... and the Number One Other New Terrorist Announcement...

1. "A thousand explosive Chia Pets will thunder in the streets of Bagh... oh, fuck it, we're a bunch of buffoonish wankers everybody knows it"

It's Just Too Funny: If you're late to this story, check out:

ASV

Wizbang

and SondraK, who notes, with some satisfaction I'm sure, that it's just not the suicide bombers who seem to be fucking retards

This Isn't the First Time Either, Update: Hubs and Spokes suggests he knows who's behind this.

The evidence appears damning.

Posted by: Ace at 11:51 AM | Comments (28)
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Folks, it's a FUCKING GI JOE DOLL!

Look at the picture-- looking again closely, it looks miniature.

And look at the EXACT match of the soldier's uniform to the GI Joe doll's (which I thought looked pretty hinky, actually).

Thanks so much to Wizbang! The blogosphere has uncovered another hoax!

A Small Victory knocks it down, too.

Awesome detective work, guys. Just awesome.

Posted by: Ace at 11:31 AM | Comments (12)
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