ANDREW SULLIVAN IS AN ASS: So says Professor Bainbridge, documenting Excitable Andy's latest bit of acting-up, and concluding it's "always about sex" with Sullivan.

I cannot begin to tell you how sickened, appalled, disgusted, distempered, chagrined, angered, nauseated, and generally verklempt I am made by such an attack on Mr. Sullivan . It fills me with heart-ache of the sort that only my wonderful beagle Mr. Percy can fix.

But I fear even Mr. Percy's genial face will not be enough to lift me from this black-clouded dispair.

I would consider suicide, but quite frankly, it seems like such a hassle. Why bother. And who would feed Mr. Percy? Certainly not this Germanic Hun Satan they've elected as Pope.

Posted by: Ace at 11:37 AM | Comments (28)
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Pundit Guy has all the links and facts-at-your-fingertips you could want.

I would be remiss not to note the reaction of Andrew Sullivan to the election of Benedict XVI as Pope.

Lord knows, he's not the easiest person to offend:

And what is the creed of the Church? That is for the Grand Inquisitor to decide. Everything else-- especially faithful attempts to question and understand the faith itself -- is "human trickery." It would be hard to over-state the radicalism of this decision.

But Andy will give it his level-best, no doubt.

It's not simply a continuation of John Paul II. It's a full-scale attack on the reformist wing of the church. The swiftness of the decision and the polarizing nature of this selection foretell a coming civil war within Catholicism. The space for dissidence, previously tiny, is now extinct. And the attack on individual political freedom is just beginning.

Remember: This was the guy that just a couple of years ago was considered reasonable.

Is there anything that can pass without Andrew Sullivan having an "Eeek! A mouse" burst of hysteria? Can any event occur without him swooning from a bad case of the vapors?

Ratchet. It. Down, Andrew. Screeching is not persusave. Get your shit under control posthaste or you'll wind up going from "joke" to "crank."

But Wait, Ace, Is Andrew Sullivan Still In Shock? Thanks for asking. As it turns out, he is:

STILL IN SHOCK: Thanks for your emails both sympathizing and telling me to leave the Church entirely. But I am still in shock.

Someone needs to do a color-coded Andrew Sullivan Outrage Warning System, ranging from "chagrined" to "appalled" to "disgusted" to "outraged" to "shocked" to "sickened" to "actually offended, though Lord knows he's not the easiest person to offend."

Pretty much it would quiver between "shocked" and "sickened" day in, day out.

I grew weary of using exclamation points to parody Wonkette.

Do I have it in me to attempt, for an entire day, to satirize Andrew Sullivan's hysterical overemotionalism about Every. F'n'. Issue. Under the Sun?

We'll see. I just think that feigning a freak-out over everygoddamnthing would get to be really wearying. How the hell does this ninny find the energy?

I (as you bastards keep razzing me about) suffered from chronic and nearly debilitating panic attacks, and I don't think I ever succumbed to the gibbering hyperhysteria Sullivan manages on a daily basis.

THANKS FOR ALL YOUR EMAILS OF SYMPATHY ON THIS BLACK DAY: Slublog sends:

It's both sad and fun to watch, actually.

Ever notice how when he's saying something completely outrageous, he always manages to find someone who agrees with him via email?

That is intesting, Slu.

EMAIL OF THE DAY:

Hey! What a great site you have here! Agree with everything you say!

You're the only one who really gets it!

That's from some guy named "Pure Discount Viagro."

ALL IS LOST: Thanks for this wonderful email. My spirit was crushed like meal in a mill, but now this lovely missive from "AndrewS" puts a smile on my face for the first time since I can remember... must have been yesterday, before this afternoon's regularly-scheduled freak-out.

Anyway, AndrewS apparently agrees with me wholeheartedly, and thus is credited with the the SUPER-EMAIL OF THE DAY:

THE FUNDAMENTALIST TRIUMPH: And so the Catholic church accelerates its turn toward toward authoritarianism, hostility to modernity, assertion of papal supremacy and quashing of internal debate and dissent. We are back to the nineteenth century. Maybe this is a necessary moment. Maybe pressing this movement to its logical conclusion will clarify things. But those of us who are struggling against what our Church is becoming, and the repressive priorities it is embracing, can only contemplate a form of despair. The Grand Inquisitor, who has essentially run the Church for the last few years, is now the public face. John Paul II will soon be seen as a liberal. The hard right has now cemented its complete control of the Catholic church. And so ... to prayer. What else do we now have?

There's always Ecstacy, you know.

Posted by: Ace at 10:54 AM | Comments (33)
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Roy Hallums was kidnapped by terrorists on November 1. Five months later, My Pet Jawa interviews his wife:

RS: You and Carrie have gone on record noting the frustration you've had at trying to get information out of the State Department concerning what
they know about Roy's fate. Has the State Department been more helpful since such major media outlets, such as CNN, have publicized your cause? What could they do to be more helpful.

SH: No , no agency has been helpful before or after media. It hasn't made any difference at all. They could put more effort and come up with a better plan than "we don't negotiate with terrorists". We need to do something if we don't negotiate. Roy is sitting there and I feel he is alive. Captivity is a day -to -day ordeal for him , it has to be for us as well! It is a heartwrenching ordeal and nightmare for our family. We pray for him constantly and cry as well.

I happen to agree with "we don't negotiate with terrorists" policy. But there is a human cost to it-- and that cost is being borne by, among others, Susan and Roy Hallums.

Posted by: Ace at 10:48 AM | Comments (4)
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10. "Christian fish" logos will all be certified by the EPA as dolphin-safe

9. Key lyric of Norman Greenbaum's hippie-Christian anthem, Spirit in the Sky, changed from "I've got a friend named Jesus" to less-divisive "I've got a friend named Walter"

8. Good Friday officially renamed "Passable Friday;" Ash Wednesday officially renamed "the Day Before Thursday"

7. Placards displaying "John 3:16" outlawed at sporting events; spectators wishing to display their spiritual beliefs may substitute oversized foam-finger bearing the corporate slogan "Dude, You're Getting a Dell!"

6. The requirement that an actual belief in Christ is required to be a Christian is deemed discriminatory and judgmental; churches will offer alternative methods of qualification, such as "celebrating the magical joy of a baby's smile" or "just sitting in the park, thinkin' about Nature and shit"

5. Christ's words are modified to make them less "harsh" and "hostile" to non-believers; "I am the Way and the Light" changed to "I am the Way and the Light, if you believe in that kind of thing, and assuming that's your bag"

4. To be more "inclusive," Christian Heaven becomes history's first open-enrollment paradise; no particular belief system is required for entry, but applicants must have either a high-school diploma or eight weeks of N.E.A.-approved adult education (in cooking, basic automotive maintenance, or modern Spanish flamenco guitar)

3. Common name "Christopher" -- from the Latin for "Christ-Bearer" -- declared intolerant and offensive; by Papal Bull, all men named Christopher have their first names immediately changed to "Mitch" (also acceptable: Walter; see Number 9 above)

2. New Testament rewritten to delete references to Caiaphas and other Jewish priests; henceforth, Christ is accused of blasphemy by Hans Gruber and the German mercenaries from Die Hard

...and the Number One Change the New Pope Will Enact to Make Christianity Acceptable to Liberals...

1. Christian Trinity officially changed from Father, Son, and Holy Spirit to Easter Bunny, Santie Clause, and the Ghost of Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (a.k.a., "The Spirit of Diversity")

Posted by: Ace at 09:31 AM | Comments (40)
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His statement:

As more and more attention has focused in recent weeks on a partisan minority unfairly blocking simple up or down votes on judicial nominees in the Senate, some have claimed that any effort to restore precedent for up or down votes on judicial nominees would affect the rights of Senators when it comes to legislation.

If I must act to bring fairness back to the judicial nomination process, I will not act in any way to impact the rights of colleagues when it comes to legislation. Senate rules and practices now provide many tools for members, and leaders, to see legislative ideas brought to an up or down vote on the Senate floor and there is no need for change in relation to legislative matters.

It is unfortunate that Democrats continue to block up or down votes on President BushÂ’s judicial nominees, thereby keeping the Senate from doing its constitutional duty. I urge the minority to put aside its partisan blockade, which interferes with our constitutional responsibilities, and join with me to bring fairness back to the process of voting for or against judicial nominees.

Could still be saber-rattling, of course.

Meanwhile... Chuck Schumer calls the head of the Family Research Council "un-American" -- jeepers, I thought we weren't supposed to bandy about that word -- and actually goes a little further than that, too:

Several federal judicial nominees whom Democrats oppose hold strong Christian beliefs, but Mr. Schumer said their nominations are being blocked for unrelated reasons — including their views on the limits of congressional power relative to the states and their opposition to some environmental regulations.

The conservative group’s president, Tony Perkins, “stepped over the line,” Mr. Schumer said. “He said it’s people of faith versus Democrats.”

“That is so un-American. The founding fathers put down their plows and took up muskets to combat views like that — that one faith or one view of faith should determine what our politics should be,” Mr. Schumer said on the ABC News program “This Week.”

I am rather bothered by the suggestion that this dispute over liberal judges is worth having an actual civil war over. Perhaps Senator Schumer disagrees?

We don't know, and of course we cannot expect our fair-and-balanced media to inquire into what he meant.

But do remember the media was awfully upset that DeLay suggested that judges should be "held accountable."

Thanks to "someone" for the last bit.

Posted by: Ace at 09:00 AM | Comments (7)
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Updated!

I sure hope it's someone that Frank F'n' Rich approves of.

Honestly, they should just induct the New York Times editiorial and op-ed staff into the College of Cardinals. I'm tired of the whining. I don't care if it would end up gutting Catholic theology... just enough with the whining already.

Update: It's Ratzinger.

Posted by: Ace at 08:42 AM | Comments (56)
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Not sure if it's real, but somewhere along the line Jennifer Anniston may have gotten sloppy with her email list. Pics of the christening of Courtney Cox's and David Arquette's baby seem to be being sent around.

Not going to post them; they're private, and they just show the couple holding a baby, anyway.

So why bring it up? Well -- I guess to demonstrate that bloggers don't just put up every damn thing that floats by their transom.

Everybody's Got The Pics Now, and the "Friends" Are "Spitting With Rage": I'm just so glad that I didn't hurt my chances with "Jenny."

Posted by: Ace at 08:39 AM | Comments (3)
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Not the one from Saturday Night Live, which was, shockingly enough, funny for a change.

But a bunch of amateurs have topped them. Again-- shockingly enough.

CONTENT WARNING. Not safe for work. But pretty damn funny.

Posted by: Ace at 08:26 AM | Comments (6)
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Unfortunately, his hippy-dippy jury acquitted him of the most serious charge:

A Caltech graduate student convicted of helping to firebomb scores of sport utility vehicles was sentenced to more than eight years in federal prison and ordered to pay $3.5 million in restitution.

A federal judge Monday rejected William Jensen Cottrell's plea for leniency.

"There's no way I'd ever be involved in anything like this again," Cottrell said. "I won't ever even jaywalk again."

Whine, bitch, whine. But do a little poser-pussy's crime, do a man's time.

However, U.S. District Judge R. Gary Klausner said Cottrell had engaged in domestic terrorism and "we're very, very lucky" that no one was killed in the arson attacks.

Cottrell, 24, was convicted in November of conspiracy to commit arson and seven counts of arson for an August 2003 vandalism spree that damaged and destroyed about 125 SUVs at dealerships and homes in the San Gabriel Valley east of Los Angeles.

Cottrell was acquitted of using a destructive device — Molotov cocktails — in a crime of violence. That was the most serious charge he faced and it carried a sentence of at least 30 years in prison.

I don't know how "crime of violence" is defined in the statute. Common sense would say that BLOWING UP CARS IN A CRAZY VANDALISM SPREE would count as "violence." But perhaps it requires violence towards a person, or with some sort of reckless disregard of harming a person.

And if the latter of course-- then they should have nailed him on it. You don't blow up 125 f'n' cars without taking the chance that someone might be hurt.

At his trial, the prosecution had accused Cottrell of "arrogance" and a "towering superiority" toward people who did not share his environmental views. Cottrell had testified that SUV dealers were evil.

Prepare for a new kind of evil, Billy.

I hear the prison system isn't ecologically-friendly. Particularly as regards arrogant white-boy flakes, such as yourself.

Posted by: Ace at 08:23 AM | Comments (7)
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Kind of crappily-formatted, but a must read from the Daily Pundit.

Kerry's IQ? 115-118. Bush's? 125-128. Neither one's a dummy and neither one's a genius. But Bush is smarter. And he doesn't just edge 'im, either.

Via Bill from InDC, who has a round-up of interesting links.

Just wish he'd get off my tits once in a while.

Posted by: Ace at 07:52 AM | Comments (24)
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