I've hated Wonkette for a long time! So long, in fact, that I once became "Wankette," and sought (futilely) the fame and fortune (errr...) that Wonkette had achieved.

The Wankette Gay Rumors Du Jour!

Determined to one day be called "funny and sharp" by former Washington Post gossiper Lloyd Grove, I boldy follow Wonkette's lead and will begin trafficking in gay-rumors that I just made up.

Credit must be given to my male interens Nicholas and Troi, who assisted me in making up these gay rumors.

I'm hoping to win a Polk Award.

Occupation: Much-traveled NFL coach.

Why He Might Be Gay: He's currently the coach of the Dallas "Cowboys," which must be the gayest team-nickname in the NFL, and will remain so in the foreseeable future, at least until the P-town Public Rest-Room Gay Hustlers become a franchise in 2008.

Plus, New York Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey called him a "homo," and I'm inclined to believe pretty much anything Jeremy Shockey tells me.

Why He Might Not Be Gay: Just look at him.

Rosie O'Donnell

Occupation: Unfunny spherical comedian who began her undeservedly well-compensated career simply reciting Jerry Seinfeld's act without attribution.

Why She Might Be Gay: I don't know. It's just a sort of vibe I get from her.

Why She Might Not Be Gay: She seems to really dig Tom Cruise. She's always calling him "cutie patootie" and stuff, so she seems to dig on the dorkmeat.

Plus, I hear she has a kid.

Joshua Micah Marshall

Occupation: Hyperpartisan hack; Impressario at his local Starbucks.

Why He Might Be Gay: Just look at him.

Plus, in my experience, the more insistent you are on being called by your full given name ("Michael," "Thomas," "Stephen," "Christopher," etc.), the more likely you are to occasionally enjoy the pleasures of the ol' trouser-safari.

Someone who announces at the top of his website that his name is not "Josh Marshall," but rather "Joshua Micah Marshall," would seem to be telling the world "I am proud, I am fabulous, and I don't much care who knows it."

Why He Might Not Be Gay: He's chubby.

Now, don't get me wrong. There are lots of fat gay men. But not a lot of chubby gay men. Seems to me that if you're gay, and you're just twenty or thirty pounds from being not-chubby, you expend the time and effort to drop that weight like a bad habit (such as vaginal sex).

Joshua Micah Marshall seems to be disinclined to do any crunches or spend any time at all working on his lats. The fact that his dumper is bigger than the average kindergarten-teacher's is strong evidence for his heterosexual credentials.

Wonkette

Occupation: Internet Skank; procuress.

Why She Might Be Gay: Posed for faux-lesbian shots with fellow cyberwhore Jennifer Cutler.

Why She Might Not Be Gay: The faux-lesbian thing is pretty common among marginally-attractive non-lesbians looking for attention to which their looks wouldn't otherwise entitle them.

There's a well-known rule that the minute two sixes start making out with each other, they become a pair of eights.

Plus, few lesbians are that into gay-male culture. That's definitely a straight white liberal woman thing.

Not even gay dudes are as into gay crap as straight white liberal women. Even gay dudes are like, "Hey, ix-ne on the ag-fay all the ime-tay, okay?"

Boba Fett

Occupation: Bounty Hunter

Why He Might Be Gay: Wears a cape; carries around a lot of futuristic BDS&M equipment; calls his ship, which is shaped like an iron, the Slave One; collects funky metal sculptures of handsome men; is known to be a "dedicated bachelor."

Why He Might Not Be Gay: If you watch the eyeslits of his helmet, he occasionally looks at Princess Leia's metal bikini on Jabba's pleasure-barge.

But I don't know how to interpret that Is he thinking, "Tight little unit, there," or is he thinking, "She thinks she's all Little Miss Thing, but she ain't"?

It's a hard one to call.

Allah Update: Allah sends along this pic of Joshua Micah Christopher-Nicholas Stephan (prounouced "Steffan") Michael Pierre Tavington-Cavendish Marshall:

Okay, I admit it: Probably not gay. I'm the straightest, sloppiest, filthiest guy I know, and even I don't go out into public looking like that.

OTOH: Troi says the stubble might be a "beard." Troi is always making funny puns like that. He's incorrigible. .

He does this impersonation of Samantha from Sex & the City that is just absolutely precious... He keeps me in stitches. Stitches, I tell you.

Bad Timing Insensitivity Update: JHF informs me that Mrs. Clift's husband died recently.

I didn't know that. I have omitted the bit about her from the piece.

Posted by: Ace at 10:10 AM | Comments (8)
Post contains 799 words, total size 6 kb.

Hey! Just got a tip!

I think this guy...

...just may be one of those keister-divers I was just talking about!

My evidence? Well, for one thing, look at those shoes! Okay, you can't see them, but you know they are "fashion-forward," if you know what I mean!

For another thing, he actually says he's some kind of homo! Comes right out and admits it! Which isn't as fun as outing closeted homos, but, hey, he's in the military, so he may turn out to be Republican!

And wouldn't that be fun!

What the hell is going on?! It's been three days since I was mentioned in the New York Times! Has Wonkete jumped the shark?!

Only time will tell! Stay posted!

How Long Are You Going to Keep This Up For, Asshole? Update: Well I don't know. How long will it take to fill my tipjar?

Posted by: Ace at 09:40 AM | Comments (9)
Post contains 157 words, total size 1 kb.

Gee, what was so suspicious about it?!

Maybe it was a homo-plane! And you know what the Church teaches about ass-slammin'!

Whoo! This is fun!

MTV, call me!

Posted by: Ace at 09:34 AM | Comments (1)
Post contains 44 words, total size 1 kb.

Hey, I'm going to start making glib and vapid (and, might I say, unfunny) little remarks and try to rescue them via promiscuous usage of exclamation points!

Sound like fun?! Anyone want to join me?!

Let's all become talentless and tasteless media-darlings by writing like a twelve-year-old schoolgirl-slash-drooling-retard!

Posted by: Ace at 09:30 AM | Comments (15)
Post contains 58 words, total size 1 kb.

Of course I'm not serious. Michelle Malkin is one of the dearest friends I have, despite the fact that I know her not at all. But she's famous and she seems to humor me, so she joins Ice-T and "Coco" in the exalted pantheon of Ace of Spades pretend-friends.

But commenters at the Washington Monthly's "Political Animal" blog are quite serious.

The only real disagreement among them concerns whether Ms. Malkin is a "c**t" or merely a "whore."

I suppose I have little right to comment on the incivility on INTERNET, as I've done so much to advance it.

Still, I will say this. I do try to exercise some caution here. Partly for reasons of taste, partly so that the people who know me don't think I'm an absolute freak, and also partly because I'd like to, you know, sell advertising space here.

For more money than I'm getting now.

And it just seems to me that right-wing sites are discriminated in terms of advertising -- because we're "scary" to a lot of the liberal buffoons making ad-buys -- and because, for example, one of our readers might say something a bit nasty in the comments.

And yet lefty commenters can toss out the c-word all the doo-dah day without impacting the desirability of advertising on their sites.

Maybe I should stop calling Keith Olbermann a "fucking douchebag" and call him what I really think he hought to be called. Trust me, "douchebag" is really down on the list of curses I like. It's so cute and silly it's almost a term of endearment.

By the way, speaking of the priggishness of many liberals-- Michelle Malkin is a "whore," I'm guessing, because she, get this, wears lipstick and seems to care about how her hair looks when on TV.

My goodness, she might as well be peddling her ass on the street, the filthy slattern.

Not all women can have the natural beauty of a, say, Bella Abzug.

That's Why "Wonkette" (or Her Ghostwriters) Gets All the Attention: A perfectly idiotic posting on this matter.

I don't mean to be, you know, either misogynistic or homophobic. But could someone explain to liberal women and liberal gay men that exclamation points are not to be used as commonly as, say, commas?

And furthermore! Just throwing in exclamation points! Does not! In fact! Make a bad joke funny! Via some process of excessive, gushing! Punctuational alchemy!

Writing! In the breathless style! Of a Michale Musto gossip column! Or a thirteen year old girl! In her crush-diary! Is kinda fuckin' annoying!

You know what I mean?!

Don't Hook Up With Wonkette

You could wind up with a nasty dose of The Slammies.* And pennicillin will not cure you.

Thanks! For the tip! To James!

* "The Slammies" is a euphemism for the chronic condition of over-using the already-overused exclamation point. It derives from "Slammer," newspaper-jargon for the punctuation mark in question.

Learn somthin' new every day!

Posted by: Ace at 08:37 AM | Comments (37)
Post contains 510 words, total size 3 kb.

This is so outrageous a statement that I have to announce 1) I'm too much of a girlie-man to actually endorse it but 2) I can't help posting it.

My theory on why war and pornography contribute so much to
technological advance is, not that they spur advancements, but that they reduce the barriers to advancement.

It's obvious how this works in the case of war. Desperation in the face of imminent destruction will loosen up most people. In the case of pornography, well, it's a furtive, antisocial vice to begin with. The "What will the neighbors say?" factor is already eliminated. And, it oftened involves fantasy, so the limits of current reality are eliminated as well.

Drugs are oftened touted for similar effects, but unfortunately they make you stupid. Maybe they reduce the barriers, but they also reduce your ability. So war and pornography are better.

Thanks to Bob.

It's not often that someone will champion both war and porn as crucial elements of technological and social evolution. So, when someone does, you really have to seize the moment.

Actually, come to think of it, maybe that's why my audience will just never get all that big. Liberals love porn (in theory, anyway; a lot of them are real prigs); conservatives "love" war-- well, not love it so much as see it frequently as the lesser of two evils.

But there's not a big demographic for porn-lovin', war-lovin' blog readers.

I guess we're a very select group. We should be proud... I guess.

Let's be honest: we're a bunch of warmongering perverts.

But Seriously... His point about war changing society is undeniable. Many of the most important changes in society occurred due to war, because war is such a serious, deadly business that long-standing but stupid traditions are no longer an affordable luxury, and society changes because it has to.

Women working in factories, for starters.

Posted by: Ace at 07:42 AM | Comments (17)
Post contains 327 words, total size 2 kb.

Unbelievable, if true.

First, we found out that you could be killed, if inconvenient, if you left no cleary worded living will to the contrary.

Now we learn that even if your clearly-worded living will states your desire to be kept alive, a "helpful" judge just might decide to okay someone else's desire to do away with you.

As I've said before, I'm not keen on slippery slope arguments -- after all, if we begin accepting slippery-slope arguments, who knows what arguments we'll take seriously next? -- but the Death Express does seem to be gathering momentum.

Via Traffic Santa, who has some doubts about this story, and also links to Megan McArdle's thoughts on the matter.

Edit: The always-annoying VonKreedon whines to demonstrate a little caution here, so I did. I added the words "if true."

So now everything's copacetic.

Posted by: Ace at 07:30 AM | Comments (51)
Post contains 165 words, total size 1 kb.

Beer truck flips over, destroying tons of brew:

"It is sad," Capt. Scott Logan of the Halifax Regional Fire Service (search) told The Daily News of Halifax. "Chances are they won't recover any of the beer."

...

The female driver was pulled out of the cab uninjured — "more frazzled than hurt," according to Logan — letting rescuers focus on the calamitous aspects of the disaster.

"I had a tear in my eye, actually, when I was watching it," said police Constable Mark Hobeck.

Courage. I mean, I wish them courage. It wasn't Courage Stout. Thank God.

Canadians -- at least some of them -- just dropped a notch on my Flouncing Puss-O-Meter.

Posted by: Ace at 07:25 AM | Comments (19)
Post contains 129 words, total size 1 kb.

Paul Krugman writes his typically-nuanced and sober piece, and the Hallelujah Chorus of NYT readers sings "Amen!"

POWERS BOOTHE: You've got a lot of hate in you, kid. One day that hate's gonna burn you up.

PAUL KRUGMAN: It keeps me warm.

Idiots.

Posted by: Ace at 07:19 AM | Comments (12)
Post contains 73 words, total size 1 kb.

Cute idea that will lead to countless tragedies:

25-year-old Massachusetts Institute of Technology student has invented a revolutionary alarm clock that makes sleepyheads find it to quiet it.

Designed to overcome abuse of the snooze feature on most alarm clocks, Gauri Nanda's "Clocky" falls to the floor and rolls away on the first push of the snooze button.

To turn it off, a person must get out of bed and find it.

The clock features two rubber wheels and is covered in thick, 1970s-style shag carpet and other material to cushion it when it tumbles to the floor.

A built-in computer chip randomly decides how far the clock will roll, so it stops in a different place each morning.

You can own a gun or you can own Clocky, but I beseech you not to own both.

Thanks to LauraW.

Posted by: Ace at 06:44 AM | Comments (6)
Post contains 154 words, total size 1 kb.