He found a worker's severed finger in his custard.

But he won't give the worker's severed finger back, which could have been reattached.

He's being cagey about the actual location of the finger, occasionally revealing it for TV cameras... but won't give it to the injured man's doctor.

Emotional-damages in a lawsuit? The hell with that. They ought to find some way to lock this son of a bitch up.

As a matter of fact... can't they subpoena the finger, for crying out loud? And jail him for refusing to produce it?

Thanks to Slublog.

Boy, I Really Should Read the Articles I Post Update: In the most embarassing example of my slapdash style yet, I skimmed and completely misread this article, thinking the man was hiding his own severed finger.

It's a lot worse than that. For purposes of a lawsuit, he is hiding someone else's severed finger.

Thanks for correcting me, guys. Sorry for that cosmically loose shit.

Posted by: Ace at 09:18 AM | Comments (47)
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And the new best thing I've ever linked. Of course there's a content warning.

Thanks to Corey.

Posted by: Ace at 07:27 AM | Comments (21)
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"Baby Got Book," a parody of "Baby Got Back," a video about girls who show off their big bubblicious Bibles.

WARNING: May contain the phrase "Me so Holy."

PS: Not really foul or anything. Defintely irreverent, though.

Don't Call it a "Call-Back," I've Been Here For Years Update: The song rocks Satan old-school, and by that, I mean they drop the 6-6-6 number in the rap.

Guess they didn't hear. 666 is so passe now, like those unflattering and so gauche brimstone-black robes that were all the rage in Satanic circles a few years back.

Hey-- just because you're worshipping the Prince of Lies doesn't mean you can't look pretty doing so. Punch it up with a little color, guys.

Posted by: Ace at 01:34 PM | Comments (116)
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The cops don't like the security problems.

I think the thing just sucks.

Okay... I pitched this a ways back, before I was a big-time blogger being called a "concentrated dose of pure Lorenzo Lamas" by Jacki on CNN's Inside Politics.

Let me pitch it again:

We rebuild the Towers. Not quite as big as they were (hold on; there's a reason for that). Say-- 70 stories or so and a bit less imposing in girth.

We build them in the opposite corners of the square they once stood in, to keep the "footprint" of the buildings undeveloped. (Why this is such a major concern, I have no f'n' idea, but a lot of people seem very, very insistent on it.)

Now, the cute part: Between the towers -- connecting them, touching at their inside corners -- we add a third tower, this one even higher than the original two, towering above the two slightly-miniaturized old towers. This tower can be square or circular or oval-shaped at its base; doesn't really matter.

The symbolism? Well, for one thing, the Towers that everyone wants back in the New York Skyline are, in fact, back.

For another-- out of the destruction rises an even higher tower. And this new higher tower unites the old towers knocked down by the terrorists.

Sort of a "together we stand higher" kind of a deal. Not subtle, of course, but then killing 2800 people in one day wasn't subtle either.

We send a message: Knock 'em down, we'll just put them back up. Bigger, better, and more filled with "cultural imperialism" goodness.

Now stop all this nonsense with these glass Dr. Seuss creations and give us back the sort of imposing, handsome, and stately architecture which everyone except avant-garde achitects prefer.

Posted by: Ace at 01:30 PM | Comments (31)
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Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease...

U.N. investigators have turned over to Congress boxes of evidence on the Oil-for-Food program, including "proof" that U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan lied to the Independent Inquiry Committee probing the scandal, Fox News Channel reporter Jonathan Hunt said Thursday.

One source close to the case told me that in those boxes is the ammunition to prove that Kofi Annan lied to investigators," Hunt told Fox News Radio host Tony Snow. "So this is a very dramatic development indeed."

All I can say is: Indeed.

"The boxes contain the almost complete records of Parton's investigation," Hunt told Snow, explaining, "It looks very embarrassing for Kofi Annan right now - it's a very bad thing."

This must be some novel use of the phrase "very bad thing" with which I was not previously familiar.

Kind of like "bad" can really mean "fly" and "phat" or somethin', right?

Posted by: Ace at 12:35 PM | Comments (34)
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Well, the religious and irreligious wings of the conservative movement are now openly fuming at each other. Outside the Beltway has a round-up of columns by Hitchens, Will, and (most spot-on) James Taranto, who probably has a pleasant speaking voice.

Taranto and Outside the Beltway nail it, together: It's one thing to disagree with religious conservatives. It's enough thing entirely to claim that they have no right to believe the things you disagree with in the first place, just because those beliefs are religiously-motivated.

All of us have various factors that determine our political beliefs -- sex, race, sexuality, spirituality/materialism, etc. I find it rather absurd to claim as much as the left does -- and increasingly, much of the right -- that the fact that someone might have political beliefs shaped in part by Christian devotion means they are acting improperly by expressing those beliefs at all.

This seems to be an attempt to simply win a debate by insisting the opposite side not even engage in it.

Via InDC Journal, who links Iron Maiden's Number of the Beast video, before it winds up having the "666" references digitially corrected to "616" and double-necked guitars replaced with walkie-talkies.

Posted by: Ace at 12:30 PM | Comments (54)
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Wow! It's a good thing we don't have John Bolton as Ambassador to the UN! That could alienate these guys and cause them to hate the West or somethin'!

A Dutch national employed with the U.N. weapons inspection agency has been detained for questioning in connection with Thursday's explosions outside the British Consulate in New York, a United Nations official said.

Police said two "improvised explosive devices" made from "novelty-type grenades" exploded in front of the building that houses the consulate.

The detainee works at the world body's weapons inspection agency as an analyst, the official said. Another U.N. source said the man is a satellite imagery analyst.

The FBI is not calling the man a suspect, said spokesman Jim Margolin.

Agent Margolin added, however, that the FBI generally doesn't call things by their proper names, prefering a made-up language similar to the nonesensical poetry of Dr. Seuss. He did allow that FBI is now calling the man a "three-legged multi-pronged semi-amorphous gizzederbok," meaning he'll be arrested imminently.

I hate to note the obvious, but the fact that the media and FBI are not jumping to reassure us that the man is not Islamic sort of makes me suspect... eh, I guess we'll know soon enough.

Thanks to Andy the Squirrel, who really hates the f'n' UN.

Posted by: Ace at 10:58 AM | Comments (14)
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The site parodies continue, despite the fact that there is, and will remain for the foreseeable future, a war on.

Thanks to John from Wuzzadem.

Posted by: Ace at 10:38 AM | Comments (15)
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Scholars now believe the famous Number of the Beast is not "666" as so notoriously imagined, but actually 616:

A newly discovered fragment of the oldest surviving copy of the New Testament indicates that, as far as the Antichrist goes, theologians, scholars, heavy metal groups, and television evangelists have got the wrong number. Instead of 666, it's actually the far less ominous 616.

Think of all the Heavy Metal albums and posters that will have to be recalled in order to fix this glitch... it's going to be like the Y2K megacoding correction all over again.

The new fragment from the Book of Revelation, written in ancient Greek and dating from the late third century, is part of a hoard of previously
unintelligible manuscripts discovered in historic dumps outside Oxyrhynchus
in Egypt. Now a team of expert classicists, using new photographic techniques, are finally deciphering the original writing.

Professor David Parker, Professor of New Testament Textual Criticism and Paleography at the University of Birmingham, thinks that 616, although less memorable than 666, is the original. He said: "This is an example of gematria, where numbers are based on the numerical values of letters in people's names...."

They and satanists responded coolly to the new "Revelation". Peter Gilmore, High Priest of the Church of Satan, based in New York, said: "By using 666 we're using something that the Christians fear. Mind you, if they do switch to 616 being the number of the beast then we'll start using that."

This is just like when people get annoyed at having to switch from the "good" old area code to the less-desirable new area codes. The Satanists can claim they're willing to switch, but believe me, if you've got a 212 area code, it stings to have to give it up for a lame "917" or "646." They say they're waiting for Christains to "switch" first; that's just Satanist-double-talk for "we're sticking with our old number, even if it means we have to stay forever in the same apartment to keep it."

So I think 666 is going to be around for a long time to come.

But seminarians announced that 666 would no longer be refered to as "the Number of the Beast" or the "Brand of the Antichrist," but rather merely "the Number of a Guy You Might Want to Keep Your Eye On" and further that "666" found on someone's scalp constitutes "Suggestive, But Not Quite Conclusive, Evidence That This Dude Might Be a Real Fucking Prick."

Thanks to Irwin.

Damn, This is Old, and This Time I Mean It's Really Old Update:

Hondo:

This isn't really new. Irenaeus, a Church father from the Second Century, wrote about the 666 / 616 difference in the second century in Chapter XXX of Against Heresies.

Emily:

The actual line from revelations says "If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man's number. His number is 666*". So 666 is actually man's number. Also, some versions of the bible actually have a footnote from that line that says "*616 on some manuscripts". The discovery of these new texts may have simply changed the balance so that more than 1/2 of the "original" manuscripts now say 616, and less than half say 666.

Zorachus blames Nero for the confusion:

If I remember correctly, the difference between 616 and 666 is because of the way Nero's name was rendered in Greek and Hebrew (or Aramaic). In other words, Nero's name in one language was *something*, and those numbers added up to 666. His name in the other language was * something else*, and that added up to 616.

Whatever. I might be wrong, but at least I'm long-windedly rong.

Dude, on that last point, you're preachin' to the choir.

Hondo clarifies:

The Greek Neron Kesar, in Hebrew, has the numeric value of 666. The Latin Nero Caesar, in Hebrew, has the numeric value of 616.

Ummm... you guys seem to know an awful lot about Satan.

Just sayin'.

The Ace of Spades HQ Blog

When News Breaks, I'm On It, No More Than 2,000 Years Late. That's the Ace of Spades Guarantee (TM).

Too Bad He Doesn't Play Baseball For the Damn Yankees Update: Stumbo adds:

The NHL sections of the ESPN, CNN/SI, FoxSports, and Yahoo!Sports websites have individual player pages identified by 3-digit numbers. (The same numbers correspond to the same players on each site, so presumably the numbering system has a common source.)

I'm sure y'all can guess who #666 is.

ESPN
CNN/SI
Fox
Yahoo

Can't make this stuff up. Can't. Make. This stuff. Up.

Well, I guess you actually could, but that would involve time and effort, and I don't play that.

Posted by: Ace at 09:47 AM | Comments (44)
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There's a difference between being "edgy" and being a a nasty anti-human dickbag, Bill.

From the Late Late Show, now hosted by Craig Ferguson, whoever he is:

Craig Ferguson: "You don't have kids, do you, Bill?"

Maher: "No."

Ferguson: "No. I have a son. It makes me crazy, this thing, this Michael Jackson thing. It drives me, the idea of someone touching my kid, I would go, I nearly swore there. I'd go crazy."

Maher: "Very wrong. But, you know, I remember when I was a kid. I was savagely beaten once by bullies in the schoolyard. Savagely beaten. If I had a choice between being savagely beaten and being gently masturbated by a pop star.... It's just me."

There's more at the link, including Ferguson's very wise deployment of the hook to yank this arrogant preening douchebag off the air before he did further damage to his own career.

On second thought... Ferguson should have let Maher "explore the space" a little more. If the man wants to hang himself-- give 'em the rope and plenty of it.

Posted by: Ace at 09:25 AM | Comments (82)
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