Hey John. How ya doin' pal? I guess I remembered I too still have posting rights here at Ace's.

Well, at least until Ace see this post.

Anyway, I figured I'd post here just to say hello to everyone while the Innocent Bystanders crowd entertain you all, like some blogging improv troop. They're like the Upright Citizens Brigade, but with 100% less Amy Poehler. Who, by the way, is 100% less hot than Rachel Harris, but that's because Harris has funky glasses, and she has heat vision.

Who's with me here? Anyone?

Of course, I couldn't possibly put up a posting without some links back to my crapblog, as it's always about the marketing. Especially when my crapblog gets 1,600 hits a day, and this moronblog gets *20,000*. The only other thing I know that gets 20,000 hits a day is Ace's crack pipe, so color me impressed.

Here's an "old" but disturbing commercial for Adidas called "Pink." Yeah, it's got a girl being covered in pink. . . stuff, but that's not the freakiest part-- it's how the pink teddy bear comes alive and walks around, sorta like that detergent bear, only evil. Or, more evil. Because that Snuggle bear is REALLY evil. If that Snuggle bear ever got the chance, it'd eat you, and everyone you care about.

Did you hear that Lindsay Lohan got scolded by the production company of her latest film? They called her a "spoiled child," which are words I would not have chosen. I would have gone for "spoiled f'ing brat who smells like cigarettes, Red Bull and broiled tilapia," but that's because I don't placate.

A study shows college kids can handle their liquor. Now, if only we could handle college kids.

And finally, one of the most popular YouTube videos out there right now demonstrates just how stupid kids can be. Especially kids with motorscooters.

Anyway, to all the crazy Innocent Bystander kids, good luck, have fun, and remember: this guestblogging at Ace's thing won't result in a damn lick of sustainable traffic for your own blogs, so don't get your hopes up that you're accomplishing anything other than washing Ace's balls while he sits at home all weekend watching the World Series of Poker.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

UPDATE: Dammit, I just cockblocked Dave in Texas with the Lohan post-- scroll on down to here. Sorry 'bout that, pal.

Ace's Edit To Prevent Embarrassment To Dave:

Hi, I'm Dave At Garfield-Ridge. That thing about Lohan I just posted? It's old.

Dave's Edit To Shut Ace Up: Dude, I had the posting on my site last night. You know, when you were having your little inside-baseball blogger wars with people none of your loyal readers ever bother to read.

Also, you smell like ham.

Posted by: Dave From Garfield Ridge at 06:42 AM | Comments (27)
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It's actually at artist's guess at what two new species discovered in Thailand might have looked like.

By MICHAEL CASEY, AP Environmental Writer
Fri Jul 28, 6:59 PM ET

BANGKOK, Thailand - Scientists have identified two ancient reptiles that swam in icy waters off Australia 115 million years ago, researchers said Friday. They are among the first of their kind to be found from the period soon after the Jurassic era.

The discoveries — dubbed Umoonasaurus and Opallionectes — belonged to a group of animals called plesiosaurs, long-necked marine reptiles that lived during the time of the dinosaurs.

Researchers, led by paleontologist Benjamin Kear and a team from the University of Australia and South Australian Museum, identified the new species after piecing together fossils from 30 individuals collected from an opal mine in the past 30 years.

Like certain bloggers, these critters were nasty. One was a vicious killer:

Umoonasaurus was a rhomaleosaurid, a kind of plesiosaur that was the "killer whale equivalent of the Jurassic" period, Kear said. It was distinguished by its relatively small size of less than 8 feet long and three crest-like ridges on its skull.

"Imagine a compact body with four flippers, a reasonably long neck, small head and short tail much like a reptilian seal," Kear said.

Does that not sound like Ace?

The other species was a fat boy that picked on small prey:

Opallionectes was also a plesiosaur, but much larger — about 19 feet long with masses of fine, needle-like teeth for trapping small fish and squid. Its name means "the opal swimmer from Andamooka."

"It's a missing link between older forms of the Jurassic period found in England about 170 million years ago and the much younger ones found in Antarctica and Patagonia which are about 65 million years old," Kear said.

AP - Scientists identify 2 ancient reptiles

Posted by: Ace at 06:19 AM | Comments (10)
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Do you like zombies? Of course you do. Do you like songs about zombies, sung from the perspective of the zombie?

Of course you do.

And yes, I realize that Dave linked this 23 days ago (and that I also stole the whole "of course you do" line), but let's be honest -- if I want people to actually see the video, I need to link it here.

Because seriously, Dave? You don't get nearly as much traffic as I do, now that I'm riding Ace's coattails.

That's right: I disparage low-traffic blogs, now.

Posted by: Ace at 06:06 AM | Comments (7)
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His letter doesn't even mention the rowboat incident.

In a letter to the 20 year old actress, Hollywood producer James Robinson calls her to task for showing up late on the set of Georgia Rule, another film of Lindsay's I probably won't see.

I was going to watch Freaky Friday and Herbie: Fully Loaded until someone told me she doesn't show off her cans.

Lindsay complained that the 105 degree heat and humidity gave her heat exhaustion. But the executive producer of Morgan Creek Productions is having none of that bullshit, calling her behavior "discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional." while blaming her actions on excessive partying. "You have acted like a spoiled child and in doing so have alienated many of your co-workers and endangered the quality" of 'Georgia Rule'".

Well, she is an actress.

I certainly hope the quality of Georgia Rule doesn't suffer further. Perhaps they could take a break in August. Georgia summers are a bitch.

Posted by: Ace at 05:57 AM | Comments (11)
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Many of you are familiar with the official AoS house band, Beatallica. Their fusion of Beatles melodies with Metallica's metal have redefined the very art of rock and roll. Why, they have reached almost Justin Timberlake status as pioneering and groundbreaking recording artistes!

Up to now, on this site, you have been able only to listen to MP3's that Ace has posted. Who can forget the very first time you heard "Hey Dude"?

Or you have been able only to read the lyrics. Remember the joy that erupted when reading the lyric "hybrid children watch the sea" in "The Thing that Would Not Let It Be"?

But now? You can watch these modern day Mozarts in action. I present to you, live and in concert, in full living color, the one and only Beatallica performing their smash hit "I Want to Choke Your Band".

Beatallica: The Walrus was Paul from Wizbang!

Now if only they would play my original song, "While My Guitar Violently Beats You Until You Weep, You Wuss (Ode to Brewfan)" the world would be a better place.

And I could die happy. Like Paul McCartney in 1966.

Posted by: Ace at 04:42 AM | Comments (6)
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It was fun while it lasted.

UPDATE: You know, now that I think about it, it was anything but fun.

UPDATE II: In fact, if I had to describe it, I guess I'd have to say it was more like a chore.

UPDATE III: No one likes chores, right? So I guess this is a win/win for me.

UPDATE IV: I'm pretty sure "win/win" is only applicable in situations involving at least two parties, so it looks like it's just a win for me. Still...

UPDATE V: I worked my ass off for you people! more...

Posted by: John From WuzzaDem at 11:37 PM | Comments (21)
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spam spam spam

[for God's sake, Wuzzadem, there's a reason I didn't ask you. And this sort of unhinged spam is Exhibit A.

Now if you want to discuss this situation reasonably, with reason, and logically, with logic, we can, but please take a breath.

The rest of Wuzzadem's insipid, frothing, insane post hidden past the jump to spare him from embarrassment.

PS I quit. -- A] more...

Posted by: John From WuzzaDem at 10:31 PM | Comments (44)
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...should be sent to my new gmail account, to which my moron guest bloggers have access. It is called by the easy-to-remember and quite apropos name, morontips -at -gmail dot com.

See? It's a mnemonic. What are you sending? Tips. To whom? Morons. Ergo, morontips.

I don't mind getting tips for the next few days, but I'm really trying to stay away from the computer a little bit. I'm stressin'.

So, send your tips, and pimp your blog, to the morons doing most of the posting right now.

At morontips.

Seriously. Try it. It's a real account and everything.

Note: Given the lack of reasonable reason and logical logic displayed in most commenters' comments, I have decided to begin editing them to spare the commenters any embarrassment.

I did so with the three comments to the post above; I plan to do more through the weekend.

Note that this has always been the Ace of Spades HQ comment editing policy. It's not a written policy per se, but I think it's only reasonable and logical.

Another Note: Megan doesn't think this is a good idea at all, or even close to funny. I figured it was pretty obvious where the ace edits occurred, and, as I'd noted I'd edited the posts, people wouldn't be fooled as to what was real and what wasn't.

However, I guess she makes a good point. Well, I don't know if it's a good point, but she makes it very forcefully. I think it's a bad point, actually, but she really has this commanding air about her I have trouble resisting.

So I won't do it. My bad.

Or Maybe I Will: Okay, I'm going to edit some posts to spare my cobloggers embarrassment, and edit some comments ot spare some commenters their lapses in logic and logicality and logical thought processes.

However, I'll only do it with posters I know with 99% certainty won't mind it, and I'll only do it with silly comments, not longish comments or comments during a serious debate.

Posted by: Ace at 10:26 PM | Comments (9)
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Tehran faces UN nuclear deadline

Iran says its nuclear programme is entirely peaceful.

The five permanent members of the UN Security Council have agreed on a draft resolution giving Iran until 31 August to suspend uranium enrichment. The draft was circulated to all 15 members of the Council and could be voted on as early as Monday.

The US envoy to the UN, John Bolton, said the Council would consider sanctions if Iran missed the deadline.

Sounds good to me. If John Bolton is on the case, we are OK.

What? There's a problem?

But Russian envoy Vitaly Churkin stressed that the draft resolution did not contain the threat of sanctions.

Mr. Churkin said it would encourage Iran to resume dialogue.

Give me a frickin' break. Exactly whose dick is Mr. Churkin going to suck to "encourage Iran to resume dialogue" in the absence of a threat of sanctions?

BBC News: Tehran faces UN nuclear deadline

Posted by: Ace at 09:14 PM | Comments (4)
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I didn't even know he was "in." His name is posted, after all.

The threat was meant along the lines of the AcePilots post-- to collect blogger's horror stories of Paul's dishonesty, stupidity, incivility, thin-skinnedness, condescension, comment-deleting, insult-spewing, and demeaning bloggers for their smaller traffic levels. (Again, I find this last one particularly delicious -- what "traffic" does Paul himself have? As far as I know he's just an idiot that Kevin Aylward misguidedly elevated to coblogger.)

My threat to make him my "next Greenwald" meant he'd be the next on my list to embarrass. Not to "out." (And note, I didn't out Greenwald either. Greenwald aready was "out." I exposed his embarrassingly vain sock-puppetry and his subsequent lies about it.)
more...

Posted by: Ace at 08:22 PM | Comments (27)
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