Believe it or not, between the lawyer and the scumbag criminal -- the lawyer's the good guy here.

A 44-year-old Cotati man was punched by his own attorney and shot twice with a Taser stun gun today during a melee that emptied a full Sonoma County courtroom after he tried to remove a court bailiff's firearm from its holster.

The Sonoma County sheriff's office, whose deputies serve as court bailiffs, said defendant Martin E. Hirtz, 44, turned on sheriff's Deputy Eric Greenband and lunged for his weapon when the deputy approached to place him into custody on Judge Lawrence Antolini's order.

The 5 foot 11 inch, 180-pound Hirtz was in Sonoma County Superior Court for violating the terms of his probation. He previously was convicted of assault on a police officer and resisting arrest, sheriff's Capt. Dave Edmonds said. Hirtz's attorney, Deputy Public Defender Jeff Mitchell, said Hirtz's probation violation was alcohol-related.

...

Then attorneys joined the fray. Deputy District Attorney Robert Waner and Mitchell, who has a black belt in Kempo Karate, participated in restraining the defendant.

Mitchell said he punched Hirtz in the face several times while Waner took hold of one of Hirtz's arms.

Several punches to the face? Let's call that, ohhh, a half a billable hour, plus copying costs.

Posted by: Ace at 11:04 AM | Comments (26)
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Over At the Bored Room.

You can look at some of last year's ads there too.

Meh. Well, Checkout Girl is chuckleworthy, and coincidentally is based on the real life of longtime AOSHQ commenter Monty.

Posted by: LauraW. at 09:19 AM | Comments (8)
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I have no shame.

I don't even care about this skanky Scandi.

So, supposedly (and who knows what's going on here -- we've got the manipulative, attention-craving Paris Hilton and a shady Internet website here), Paris Hilton failed to pay a $208 storage fee when she was swapping out mansions. (The old one's ashtrays were full.)

So the company auctioned off the crap she had in there.

Because of an unpaid $208 bill.

Is anyone buying this?

I'm not.

And then this website thing claims it managed to get a hold of every damn thing in the storage unit, so it could "digitize" it all and make it available to the public.

Buying that? Okay, me neither.

PopSugar has the teaser video from the site. If you click on it, the video will begin playing, and you'll see a lot of Paris Hilton nudity, sex, drug use, and bragging about taking it "Wonkette style."

Content warning. Also an intellect and spirit warning. I'm stupider and less human for watching this 40 seconds of crap. Link Corrected.

Dear Paris Hilton,

Please keep it in your pants, and furthermore, please remove your pants and the contents therein to the sixth moon of Neptune.

You're not hot. I look at you and see a walking petri dish for a new mutant strain of venereal disease, a mutate combining the worst parts of the herpes, hanta and ebola viruses. I full-blown level-5 hot zone for one's privates.

And also -- seriously -- a powerful tranny vibe, too.

It's a kind of sexual early warning light that won't stop blinking.

I'm not 100% certain that you have herpes, and I don't know for the fact you've had some pieces swapped out for aftermarket parts intended for an entirely different chassis. But I'll go with my gut.

You know that everyone knows they could see your sex tapes after only thirty seconds of Googling, and yet most of us haven't bothered? Why do you think that is?

That damn light that just won't stop blinking.

Please, please. Just go away.

Suck the barbed cock of Satan,

Ace

Posted by: Ace at 09:16 AM | Comments (57)
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Okay, we don't know this guy suffers from Sudden Jihadi Syndrome yet, but it does look suspicious.

What we know for sure -- he splits atoms. With his mind. And he'd like a licence to drive a HAZMAT truck to facilitate his subatomic psyochkinetic fissionist lifestyle choices.

A 28-year-old Muslim from India has been taken into custody in Rhode Island after a truck driving school became suspicious of his efforts to obtain a license to drive trucks with hazardous material.

Upon appearing in court today in Boston to answer immigration charges, Mohammed Yusef Mullawala was denied bond pending a removal hearing scheduled for next Tuesday, Jan. 30.

Federal Immigration Judge Matthew D'Angelo said he found Mullawala's court responses not to be creditable and ruled that he posed a danger to the community and was himself a flight risk.

Rhode Island State Police said Mohammed Yusef Mullawala came to the United States on a student visa but never attended classes at three separate schools he said he was going to attend.

Instructors at the Nationwide Tractor Trailer Driving School in Smithfield, R.I., became suspicious when Mullawala showed up last November.

"He kept saying he wanted a HAZMAT license, and he wanted it quickly and that he did not want to learn to back the truck up, only to be able to drive it forward," said Darleen Crawford, president of the driving school, who reported her concerns to Highway Watch, a national Homeland Security program for highway safety and anti-terrorism.

Rhode Island State Police Major Steven O'Donnell said Mullawala's phone records revealed calls that were "suspicious" and "problematic," but he would not provide further details.

Wink-wink. Trust me, you dont have to provide the details. I think we can fill them in ourselves.

It's amazing to me that every one of these half-jackal drooling imbeciles drips with superiority and arrogance.

Just like the fucking KKK -- the stupider and more no-account you are, the more you're drawn to an organization willing to tell you you're superior to someone in the world, even if it's just a lowly Scandi herring-choker.

Posted by: Ace at 08:19 AM | Comments (44)
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"Pure intimidation:" the Stryker seems to be a hit.

ItÂ’s becoming very difficult to predict whatÂ’s going to happen the next hour. In addition to the dangers of militia or insurgent attacks, you canÂ’t tell when a bridge or a street will be suddenly blocked. At any minute you can find yourself stuck between two groups of Humvees or Strykers, or even in the middle of a military operation standing between you and your destination. ThatÂ’s when you call home or work to explain the delay, or calm down a worried friend or relative.

Although the major Baghdad plan isnÂ’t officially launched yet, every day we see several joint operations against targets in and around the city. Still, according to the latest leaked reports, it seems as if the major implementations of the plan are going to wait until the beginning of next month,.

The government here says they are waiting for the buildup of participating troops to be completed, but I think itÂ’s more likely that they are waiting for the Ashura ceremonies to end to allow pilgrims to travel between Baghdad and the shrines safely.

The waiting is proving to be more of a burden on the people of Baghdad than the operation itself would be. Patience is fading under the pressure of the increasing numbers of suicide attacks and the civilian deaths they cause. Baghdadis are desperately waiting for the operation to begin because they hope it can reduce the occurrence of these deadly attacks that distribute death equally among civilians.

Bill Roggio with the Snake Eaters:

In patrolling with the Snake Eaters for several days, their proficiency became readily apparent. The first night patrol, on Thursday, was through the streets of the "poisonous little town" of Sadiqiya. Lieutenant Mohammed led his platoon, 5 MTTs and me through the farmlands, palm groves and the narrow, dirty streets of this most dangerous town. It had rained the two days prior, and the water turned the Iraqi sands into a slick mud that makes walking in the dark quite a challenge. The lieutenant led the patrol as if it was a speed-march at times, but the Iraqi soldiers maintained security throughout. Lt. Mohammed and his soldiers searched several homes, and asked the owners information about insurgent activity. It was an uneventful three hours, with then ever-present baying dogs seeming like the greatest threat.

The following morning, the Snake Eaters, along with the MTTs conducted a cordon on a mosque in Sadaqiya. The mosque is well known for spewing hatred against the American and Iraqi forces, and the Iraqi Army had good intelligence several terrorists would be present in the mosque for Friday sermon. The Iraqi Army conceived, planned and executed the operation from beginning to end. They surrounded the mosque just before the sermon ended. As the men and women exited the mosque the Iraqis lined up the military age males.

The local informants who provided the intelligence for the raid were present, and donned masks to keep their identity secret. They picked the terrorists out from the lineup. Fourteen were arrested and sent up from the battalion to the brigade detention facility for further investigation. Three of those captured are believed to be very senior local al-Qaeda leaders. No shots were fired during the entire operation, which lasted less than 2 hours.

Bill Ardolino, at a police recruitment center -- a dangerous place to be, of course.

[O]ne applicant with an ID that marked him as an Iraqi journalist was uniquely forthcoming. Asked why heÂ’d decided to join the police, he said heÂ’d been driven out of Baghdad by Shia militiamen and needed the money.

When asked who the insurgents were and why they committed acts of violence, he offered two reasons: They want to control the economic levers of power — the police are paid too well — and Iraq’s neighbors were funneling money and resources into the country to destabilize the government.

I asked another fellow what he thought of the Americans. He said he thought bad and good things. His negative opinion focused on collateral damage — he said that “when the Americans are fired upon, they fire back and kill civilians.”

The positive: “If it weren’t for the Americans, Fallujah would have been destroyed a long time ago.”

Processing continued until the early evening, when the tired Marines counted heads: 102 new recruits would board a plane for the Jordanian International Police Training Center in the morning, soon augmenting the roughly 700 police manning stations in and around Fallujah. Some had been turned away, including a 60 year-old volunteer.

In 2004, the number of police in Fallujah was zero.

Michael Yon's latest dispatch ends on a cliffhanger. It's about Custer's old unit, and an Iraqi man who approaches with hands in his pockets and a stubborn definance in the face of shouts and M-16. I just want to quote this commenter:

Joseph Edgerton Says:

As a fellow journalist and photographer, I read your dispatches over and over, and each time is like the first. There are days I wish that I had emailed you earlier and taken you up on your offer to head to Iraq in your place. Now that you are there, I realize that you are doing a far better job than any other reporter, myself included, could ever do. I tell everyone I know, regardless of their views on the war, about this site. I also admire Mr. GayaÂ’s keen perspective on photography. Does he have a site of his own?
I envy you for being able to work alongside the very best of my generation. Keep the truth coming, and keep honoring our fighting men and women, Mr. Yon. I eagerly await your next dispatch.

Indeed.

Posted by: Ace at 07:43 AM | Comments (7)
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I know I've already done the Nifong thing already. Can't resist this though.

Mike Nifong, the embattled prosecutor once at the helm of the Duke lacrosse rape case, revealed little as he appeared in court Wednesday to face serious ethics charges by the North Carolina Bar.

In an exclusive interview with "Good Morning America," though, Nifong's attorney said that his stone-face expression buried the true feelings of a man under siege.

"He's devastated. It's very upsetting to be attacked. Â… It's like he's public enemy No. 1," said David Freedman, Nifong's attorney.

"Here's a man who's trying to do his job as an elected DA in Durham County. He's always held himself up as an ethical individual. Â… It's a bit of a surprise."

Duke lacrosse defendant Reade Seligman was quoted as saying, "I hear ya, brother."

He claims that, even knowing what he knows now, he would have still brought the charges:

"He may regret some of the things he may have said," Freedman said. But, Freedman also pointed out, "If many of us had an opportunity to go back and do something over, we might do it differently."

"I don't think he would have changed his mind about the charges," Freedman said.

Um, he already did change his mind. The rape charges have been dropped, because, supposedly, the "victim" -- attempting to explain the utter lack of DNA evidence of a violation after being raped without condoms by 20 a dozen five three two men -- now claims that she, an exotic dancer/likely hooker, can't differentiate between a penis and an object used as a dildo.

One would imagine she could testify as an expert on that point.

Posted by: Ace at 06:52 AM | Comments (24)
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This sounds like TORTURE to me! Waterboarding = false sense of drowning; this gun = false sense of catching fire.

Oh, the heart-ache this will cause.

The military's new weapon is a ray gun that shoots a beam that makes people feel as if they will catch fire.

The technology is supposed to be harmless -- a non-lethal way to get enemies to drop their weapons.

Military officials say it could save the lives of civilians and service members in places like Iraq and Afghanistan.

The weapon is not expected to go into production until at least 2010, but all branches of the military have expressed interest in it, officials said.

The Air Force and the Navy have expressed interest? For what? To disperse crowds of gulls and manatees?

Sheesh. Control yourselves, guys.

During the first media demonstration of the weapon Wednesday, airmen fired beams from a large dish antenna mounted atop a Humvee at people pretending to be rioters and acting out other scenarios U.S. troops might encounter.

The crew fired beams from more than 500 yards (455 meters) away, nearly 17 times the range of existing non-lethal weapons, such as rubber bullets.

While the sudden, 130-degree Fahrenheit (54.44 Celsius) heat was not painful, it was intense enough to make participants think their clothes were about to ignite.

I don't know... seems kind of lame to me.

A Terrorist Pop-Tart Toaster? EC thinks it's not just for crowd control--

I think you guys are missing the point here.

Here's a weapon that can be fired from long range, with (I'm guessing here) little or no "bullet drop", no visible or audible signature, and can cause the enemy to reveal themselves and give their position away.

What if the military were to use this on an area suspected of concealed enemies? You could sweep the area and make them jump up and run around like their asses were on fire. As soon as they do, they are dropped by a sniper.

Posted by: Ace at 06:44 AM | Comments (29)
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...shot by ground forces about a mile and a half away from the target.

I really don't think they needed to add insult to injury by repeatedly calling the Mahdis "mother fuckers." Come on guys, you're better than that. Clean up your acts. Stop using words that hurt and start using words that heal.

Michael Yon says the war can be won. Step One: Moqtada al-Sadr Must Die.

...getting pretty kinetic here. During my first 5 days we lost 6 KIA Americans and 1 terp, so that was 7, plus quite a few others who were really messed up. Serious business, but ISF making serious progress in Mosul. This place is dicey, though. I need to downgrade my initial assessment. The ISF is much better, but this "deal is not sealed" as it were. At this point I would say we are probably actually losing the war, but I really think this can be turned around. Petraeus is just the man who can do it. He's brilliant and is ready to slam those militias. We need to kill Sadr.

You're preaching to the choir, bub.

Posted by: Ace at 05:45 AM | Comments (25)
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* UNC law professor Joseph Kennedy: “If these allegations are true and if they don’t justify disbarment, then I’m not sure what does. It’s hard for me to imagine a more serious set of allegations against a prosecutor.”

* Duke law professor Thomas Metzloff: The new charges “have significantly increased the chances for a serious sanction, possibly including suspension or disbarment.”

Another thing I'd meant to get to yesterday. If the bar is now charging five -- five! -- deliberate lies by Nifong made to the court, plus a conspiracy to hide evidence, then they're quite serious about booting Nifong. They're not trying to get Al Capone on tax evasion anymore; they're going for murder and racketeering charges.

Of course, having not gotten to this yesterday means that KC Johnson has had time to write up a much more substantive post concluding the same thing.

Speaking publically so as to inflame opinion against the defendants? Well, they could have just slapped him with a censure or suspension for that. That's sort of what I figured would probably happen.

But now they're averring multiple lies, conspiracy, and perpetrating a fraud on the court, which is pretty big shakes.

It doesn't help that Nifong, like his "victim," has offered up multiple conflicting stories to explain away his difficulties telling the truth. In fact, the bar seems to have added those conflcting stories to its dishonesty charges.

The lawyers here -- the experts, if you will -- did tell me that state bars were willing to disbar a lot more frequently than I imagined, and that the NC state bar here seemed to want to purge itself of this embarrassment. I guess those "experts" sort of know something after all.

Posted by: Ace at 05:16 AM | Comments (19)
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From Israelly Cool.

Posted by: AndrewR at 04:00 AM | Comments (20)
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