Welcome, Gamer Dorks.

I've been getting some traffic from GameSpot, XBOX, and Halo3 forums lately. Mostly that Filth, etc. post.

Anyway, geeks, glad you're coming by. You might want to check this out, my Generic Universal Walk-Thru For Every Fucking Game You've Ever Fucking Played.

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Sheriff: Woman Sat on Toilet for 2 Years



WICHITA, Kan. (AP) - Deputies say a woman in western Kansas became stuck on her boyfriend's toilet after sitting on it for two years.

Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

"We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it."

Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman's 36-year-old boyfriend.

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, `Maybe tomorrow,'" Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."

Two years in the can, huh? I called that "Junior High."

I've faced the same addiction myself. I, too, have chased the Porcelain Dragon. I have had the White Monkey on my backside.

Kicking it was awful; I spent three straight days sick in the toilet. Which was actually not that bad, because that's where I was planning to be anyhow.

Remember my old, old theory? To wit, my theory that the Japanese are very, very deeply fucking weird?

Yeah. Still viable.

More and more [Japanese] men, reports maintain, are turning to masturbation and sex toys rather than to their female counterparts. And further exacerbating an already declining birthrate of 1.29 children per women found in a 2004 survey by The Daily Yomiuri, is the fact that some men are increasingly turning their backs on sex.

...

Pornography, masturbation aids, Internet porn sites and social networks that lead to "virtual relationships", soaplands and Japan's widespread prostitution industry all allow men outlets for sexual fulfillment while not fulfilling other needs, such as procreation. The alarming trend has led medical experts in Japan to coin a new term for a condition they call "vaginal ejaculation dysfunctional disorder".

"There has been a definite increase in the number of men showing signs of vaginal ejaculation dysfunction disorder, which includes such afflictions as premature and delayed ejaculation. There are physical reasons believed to be behind this, including prejudice against women, past trauma and overuse of masturbatory aids so that a vagina is unable to provide sufficient stimulation," Dr Tsuneo Akaeda, head of the Akaeda Clinic in Tokyo's Roppongi entertainment district, told Shukan Asahi.

"Some of the masturbation aids coming out nowadays are absolutely incredible. Guys become used to using these and there is no doubt that many men are unable to obtain the necessary satisfaction from a female vagina that they need to ejaculate."

Talk about media bias. It reads like an advertisement, doesn't it?

If only Sharper Image had known about this. They might have avoided bankruptcy.

Paying $1200 for a tricksy putter? No thanks. But now slap an "amazing" plastic vagina to the handle, well, now maybe we can do some fucking business.

Thanks to Sheryl, skh and Dan.

More: Not so funny: 1 in 4 teenage girls has an STD.

Kate Beckinsdale: "I'd rather eat vagina than sushi." This girl is really showing me something lately:

Speaking to Mean magazine, the Pearl Harbor actress admits that she is unable to eat raw food because it doesnÂ’t appeal to her.

She says: “I can’t do raw. I can’t do sushi, even. Anything that has that vaginal quality to it. I’d rather an actual vagina than that, honestly."

The 34-year old also explains the inspiration behind high-heeled shoes: “Apparently, during orgasm, a woman’s feet move like this [makes tiptoe gesture], and that’s the reason they invented high heels.

“So next time you’re having an orgasm, pay attention to your feet and you’ll see.”

When last we saw this delightful minx, she was asked what her best feature was. Her answer?

“My best feature is unfortunately a private matter, although I'm told it is spectacular. But you can't really walk it down the red carpet. What can I say?"

After a giggling fit, Kate then enlighten the interviewer, by silently mouthing the magical words: “My twat.”

Not necessarily the kind of girl you want to bring home to mama, but you know what? Mama can just grow the fuck up and understand that a man has needs.

An ex of hers just emailed me:

Sirs:

Ms. Beckinsdale is telling the truth -- she's amazing down there. It's like, like, I don't know-- it's like plastic or something.

Sincerely,

Hiro Yoshimoto
3rd Baseman for the Kyoto Bunny-Dragons

Addendum: Can anyone make heads or tails of the below video? more...

Posted by: Ace at 11:55 AM | Comments (80)
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Funny. Sure, it's 50% clapper material, but 50% of it is genuinely funny, which is hellagood for the Daily Show.

"Right on."

Stolen from Hot Air, again.

Bonus! What would celebrities look like if they lived in Oklahoma instead of Hollywood?

Fun Fact: That picture of Tara Reid isn't a photoshop or retouched. Real deal, baby.

(No not really. But close enough.)

I apologize to any Oklahomans who might be out there reading this current-events blog via an electrically-powered home computer sending/receiving encrypted information over the Internet.

As if. Seriously, I want to apologize to all none of you.

I also want to apologize to all the psychokinetic purple space-unicorns living in my pants. I really ought to let you guys out more often. It gets kinda fetid in there. Trust me, I know.

Posted by: Ace at 11:02 AM | Comments (40)
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The media lied, people died.

Great story, and Allah supplies some good nuance (no quotes -- fo' real, yo):

If the propriety of anti-war rhetoric turns on whether it makes the mission in the field harder, then arguably the same is true of Geert WildersÂ’s film. The Secretary General of NATO has said that explicitly, in fact, as has one of the U.S. militaryÂ’s joint task forces in Afghanistan. If an economist can prove that criticism of Islam increases attacks (which shouldnÂ’t be hard), you want to roll that back too?

He wonders if there is an "optimal level" of war criticism, economically.

I don't know. But I would suggest that there is a cost in human (and American, particularly) life to over-the-top, dishonest anti-war agenda journalism, and reporters can avoid all such moral quandries by simply reporting the truth accurately.

Will the truth always reduce human death? Well, no, but it does have the virtue of being the truth. If people and particularly Americans are to die due to reportage, can we at least insist they die for a noble principle like the truth, rather than some unhinged partisan distortion?

I would think that American soldiers and Iraqi cops and civilians would be rather heartened to know that, while reportage always may encourage jihadists, at least their fellow Americans are not increasing their risk of death by deliberately reporting lies and refusing to report on American/Iraqi victories.

No one wishes to die, but if death is inevitable, it is better to die for the truth than a lie.

As the left said during Vietnam:

Who wants to be the last soldier to die for a lie?

The MSM ought to consider that.

In Related News... NBC famously and fatuously decreed Iraq to be in a state of civil war a year or so ago.

That pronouncement still stands. They have not retracted it.

So tell me, NBC: If it was gosh-darn important to officially declare Iraq to be in a state of civil war -- if it was so mind-bogglingly critical that NBCNews authoritatively declare the current civil-war-ish-ness of Iraq -- why is it so unimportant now to authoritatively declare Iraq to NOT be in a state off civil war?

NBCNews took the position that its official, duly considered institutional opinion was of Great National Import when that position was implicitly anti-war.

Now that Iraq is clearly not in a civil war, NBCNews has decided it's not quite as important to go around declaring which countries may, or may not be, "officially" in a state of civil war.

According to NBCNews' last official pronouncement, Iraq is in civil war.

Either they do not make corrections or bother retracting reportage that has become stale, or they are simply delusional.

Either way, no one should be getting their news from such an outfit.

Posted by: Ace at 10:31 AM | Comments (103)
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Detroit's scandal-plagued mayor, steeped in dark intrigue (not the least mysterious element of which is is oddly unknowable party affiliation), plays, if you can imagine such a thing, the race card.

This is supposed to be a 'appy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue about 'oo killed 'oo....

I'm reminded of Dennis Miller's suggestion for Marion Barry's comeback-election slogan: No hookers, no blow, just good government.

Kwame Kilpatrick should start running on a similar platform: More Jobs. Fewer Dead Strippers. Together We Can Make Both Happen... Assuming Ideal Circumstances.

Related To That Other Scandal: The shock here I think is that a British royal isn't sexually impotent.

Posted by: Ace at 09:44 AM | Comments (77)
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Effective Monday, March 17th. The delay was requested by the incoming Governor to ensure an orderly transition.

His wife was with him and he spoke several times of 'private failings' not about doing high class hookers. I wonder if people he prosecuted for similar 'failings' would have liked to have had the chance to make that argument.

On FNC, Jeanine Piero, who lost to Spitzer in a race to become NY Attorney General identified one of the aides in the room as Ted Wells. Wells is a high powered lawyer and her thought is his presence indicates no deal is in place with DoJ and that Spitzer may have some big legal problems in his future. (Thanks to Kid from Brooklyn for the correction)

Who benefits from this? Aside from the remnants of NY's Republican Party, Barrack Obama gets a small bump. Spitzer, as Governor of NY is a super delegate and is committed to Hillary. Once the resignation becomes effective, that's one less vote for her.

Update: "Kristen" revealed?

Update [ace]: Definitely click that link, but light content warning.

Now we're getting closer to $4300.

She, too, is pixelated, or else was seriously goobernatorialized.

Oddly enough, she does in fact look like the super-luxe call girl played by Rachel Ward in Sharkey's Machine.

Always trust content from Burt Reynolds.

Always. Trust content. From Burt Reynolds.

Because in your heart you know Stoker Ace and Six-Pack secretly kicked ass.

Awful [ace]: The Spitzer Scandal swallows its next victim: Kirsten the high-price call-girl tearfully resigns, citing a desire to spend time with other women's husbands.

Thanks to RobG.

[DrewM] Of course, no moment as momentous as this can pass without a SluShop:

Posted by: DrewM at 07:48 AM | Comments (68)
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He doesn't say conservative -- at least I don't think he does. But the Village Voice piece he penned is apparently being slammed by everyone -- smells like a movement Drudge-o-lanch -- and it's damned hard to get from one page to the other.

The best bet at the moment is Hot Air's excerpts. I'll put up my own when the damned site is accessible.

I've long been a fan of Mamet's; I even thought he was worth interviewing back when he was a stone-cold liberal. Well, I didn't interview him really, but I would have liked to have.

His output is uneven and he veers from brilliant (Glengarry Glen Ross, The Spanish Prisoner) to compelling (Oleanna, The Winslow Boy) to strangely engaging though badly, badly flawed (Spartan) to disposable and derivative of his earlier works (Heist, playing an awful lot like House of Games.)

On the plus side, even when his movies or plays aren't very good, they're not very good in an interesting way.

Anyway, obviously, I'm a fan. If we had done a celebrity political draft I would have tried to get him by the the fifth or sixth round (of course I would have to grab more famous, prettier spokesmen first), so this is pretty cool.

I'm reading his piece and I'm amused at how obvious and naive his epiphany is... but that's sort of the same for any fledgling conservative. It's still cute to see him take those first tentative baby steps we once took ourselves.

His big thing is the liberal belief in intrinsic human perfection, coupled with their paranoid/demented belief that "everything is awful." Which is, of course, a perfect contradiction and a childlike conceit -- it's the stance of the disappointed utopian who, emotionally upset that not everything is perfect, begins claiming that everyhing is terrible.

Harlan Ellison, who's a bit of jackass, did make the now-so-obvious point that while 50's utopian science fiction was hopelessly naive, 60's and 70's dystopian science fiction was no less naive. In fact, they were both animated by the same childish conceit in human perfectibility. But whereas utopian science fiction boats of human perfectibility, the angry, paranoiac strand of dystopian fiction is simply the petulant overreaction of a teenager to disappointment and veering wildly in the opposite direction -- but impelled by the exact same jejune motivation. If humans aren't perfect or at least perfectible, well than damn it, they must be total shit.

Conservatives, who embrace the "tragic" view as Mamet terms it (I would call it the "realistic" view myself, but then, I'm not a dramatist), are less childish in their starting conceits. We believe that people are selfish, self-serving, self-interested, self-obsessed, and only vaguely self-aware. It is the nature of all of us. And we do mean us; when we speak of human failings, we are really not, as the liberals are, speaking of other people only. We say "we are all selfish and flawed' and we do in fact mean we.

So for conservatives, the question isn't "Why is the world so awful and cruel?" The question is really "How do humans, especially those in the west and particularly those in America, manage to get so very, very much right so much of the time?"

A different set of starting assumptions creates wildly differing expectations and thus wildly different judgments.

Again, this is so obvious to most of you as to be beneath mention. For me, who once took the trip from liberal to conservative myself (in college, I subscribed to The Nation, yo), it's a nostalgic. Oh yeah, right: I remember first realizing that too, etc.

And I also remember the days when, while I would no longer call myself liberal, I also fiercely resisted the label "conservative." Mamet still seems to be resisting that hateful label himself, imaging a third way in between goof-joke liberalism and the faith-based hatred of conservatism, but... he'll get there.

Most of us do.

You have no idea of the power of the Dark Side.

Some Quotes: Again, this stuff may strike you as somwhere between "duh" and "fucking a-dehrrr."

I took the liberal view for many decades, but I believe I have changed my mind.

As a child of the '60s, I accepted as an article of faith that government is corrupt, that business is exploitative, and that people are generally good at heart.

These cherished precepts had, over the years, become ingrained as increasingly impracticable prejudices. Why do I say impracticable? Because although I still held these beliefs, I no longer applied them in my life. How do I know? My wife informed me. We were riding along and listening to NPR. I felt my facial muscles tightening, and the words beginning to form in my mind: Shut the fuck up. "?" she prompted. And her terse, elegant summation, as always, awakened me to a deeper truth: I had been listening to NPR and reading various organs of national opinion for years, wonder and rage contending for pride of place. Further: I found I had been—rather charmingly, I thought—referring to myself for years as "a brain-dead liberal," and to NPR as "National Palestinian Radio."

This is, to me, the synthesis of this worldview with which I now found myself disenchanted: that everything is always wrong.

But in my life, a brief review revealed, everything was not always wrong, and neither was nor is always wrong in the community in which I live, or in my country. Further, it was not always wrong in previous communities in which I lived, and among the various and mobile classes of which I was at various times a part.

And, I wondered, how could I have spent decades thinking that I thought everything was always wrong at the same time that I thought I thought that people were basically good at heart? Which was it? I began to question what I actually thought and found that I do not think that people are basically good at heart; indeed, that view of human nature has both prompted and informed my writing for the last 40 years. I think that people, in circumstances of stress, can behave like swine, and that this, indeed, is not only a fit subject, but the only subject, of drama.

I'd observed that lust, greed, envy, sloth, and their pals are giving the world a good run for its money, but that nonetheless, people in general seem to get from day to day; and that we in the United States get from day to day under rather wonderful and privileged circumstances—that we are not and never have been the villains that some of the world and some of our citizens make us out to be, but that we are a confection of normal (greedy, lustful, duplicitous, corrupt, inspired—in short, human) individuals living under a spectacularly effective compact called the Constitution, and lucky to get it.

More at the link, of course. Fair use can only be pushed so far.

PS: In that old post of mine I took a shot at him for always casting his wife Rebecca Pigeon in his movies. I had to. He does that more than Brian DePalma used to cast Nancy Allen.

It's not that she's a bad actress -- she's great in The Wislow Boy and amazing as the sexually-forward socially-awkward Nancy Drew good girl/bad girl in The Spanish Prisoner. (I kind of fell in love with her there and for a while was fond of quoting her oddball catchphrases, like "Well dog my cat" and "Just shows to go ya.")

It's just that she's always in there, so that it becomes sort of a drinking game prompt.

Plus, well... while she's great when she's good, he often puts her into roles she's just not well-suited for. I didn't buy her for a second as the flinty-tough jaded semi-whore in Heist, for example. She wouldn't have passed a screen test for that, not because she's untalented, just because actors have a type and Mamet tends to cast her both in-type and quite a ways out-of-type. Meg Ryan wouldn't have worked in Basic Instinct, after all.

I guess an overfondness for and excessive belief in one's wife isn't the worst flaw in the world.

And, I guess, it should be said he almost always has Ricky Jay and/or Joe Mantegna and/or William Macy in his movies, too, suggesting that at least they gave him a couple of handjobs at some point.

Ed "Al Bundy" O'Neill, too. What's up with that?

Since We're All Quoting It... Here's the Alec Baldwin scene from GGR.

Fun fact. At least I think it's a fact. This wasn't in the original stage play. I think he added this for the movie either just to extend the running time or else because he thought he had to juice up the desperation/intensity thing.

How the hell could the play exist without this scene? It seems impossible to me.

more...

Posted by: Ace at 06:55 AM | Comments (96)
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Language warning. This song only has three words and two of them are curses.

Here's a censored version, in which everything except the word "the" is censored.

Via Pat Dollard's blog, thanks to Snapped Shot.

Also: Hey... nice beaver.

Posted by: Ace at 05:36 AM | Comments (24)
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We've heard this before from 'sources' and it hasn't panned out, but for what it's worth:

Gov. Eliot Spitzer has decided to resign and will begin notifying top state officials of his decision just after 9 a.m., The Post has learned.

Word began circulating of his decision in state political circles just minutes ago, which came after what one source called "an agonizing night," as the governor's wife, Silda Wall Spitzer, and the governor's lawyers went over a possible plea deal offered by federal prosecutors, sources told The Post.

Also from the Post, how the feds caught Spitzer.

Update - The resignation will come at 11:30 a.m., but won't be effective until Monday, to give Lt. Gov. Paterson more time to prepare for the transition.

Posted by: Slublog at 05:11 AM | Comments (27)
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At least I hope that's pixelation. Otherwise -- well done, sir. Well done.

There's the hooker he was having sex with while AG. Not Ms. Valentine's Day, though. $4300 worth? Not sure. Looks like at least $1400 though.

Hot, spicy details coming up.

Thanks to CJ.

Correction: I initially wrote she was worth $2200. After reviewing the record, I have corrected this to the more accurate $1400.

Another Correction: I also clarified that this is not his most recent sexual conquest leasing. Thanks to someone for pointing out the confusion on that.

Posted by: Ace at 08:31 PM | Comments (61)
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Guess who?

Media content has gotten more graphic, more violent and more sex-based… Currently, nothing under New York State law prohibits a fourteen-year old from walking into a video store and buying… a game like ‘Grand Theft Auto,’ which rewards a player for stealing cars and beating people up. Children can even simulate having sex with a prostitute…

Posted by: Slublog at 08:07 PM | Comments (15)
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