Ace of Spades HQ

December 15, 2009

Christmas gift idea with GREAT product reviews
— Purple Avenger

Its that time of year folks. I always do my Christmas shoplifting and credit card fraud early to avoid the rush.

Hit the tab for product "reviews" at this link. I think you'll be as impressed as I was by this fine apparel product and want to give one to all your friends..

I've been having problems with my stool lately, and have not been able to pass my Feces as well as I've been accustomed to in the past. after wearing these badboys, I've been able to pass my stool much easier! It feels so good just to be able to put these pants on and go go go without having to stop for a toilet break. infact It wont stop! I've been going for about 3 days solid (pun intended) Overall a good pair of pants if you've been racked with the same ailment that i've had..

...These pants saved my life. First I wore them to my job interview at the bank and totally got the job on the spot when the manager saw my pants. Then when i was walking home I stepped on a rake and it shot between my legs at lightening speed. Fortunately there is about a foot between the crotch of these pants and your actual crotch, so I was saved an expensive trip to the ER...

There's lots more where those came from!

[UPDATE!] I see that Charles Johnson and Al Gore have submitted product reviews. Superior products sell themselves.

CJ: "What can I say? Honestly these pants are so comfortable they have convinced me to give up bike riding entirely, and concentrate my attack on the right wing smear merchants full time"
Al Gore: "It's totally what those 4chan gays wear while they are typing on their Mom's computer. If you have ever wanted to look like those 4chan gays wear while they are typing on their Mom's computer, or the gay that runs right wing crazy web site Ace of Spades, you are so lucky. Buy these beautiful trousers immediately. They help fight global warming."

Hey, if Al Gore says they fight Global Warming, who am I to question that?

Posted by: Purple Avenger at 07:22 PM | Comments (99)
Post contains 369 words, total size 2 kb.

1 This is the next 3 Wolves Moon.

Posted by: ol_dirty_/b+/tard at December 15, 2009 07:29 PM (Lf8Yg)

2 Please, have a seat. Thanks, I'll stand if you don't mind. Suit yourself.

Posted by: eman at December 15, 2009 07:29 PM (yf/JJ)

3 Being a tech-Luddite, I could never get the ghost-blogger thing to work.

The good news, is apparently you can add your own reviews to this product without actually buying it.

Posted by: Purple Avenger at December 15, 2009 07:33 PM (ZKDbV)

4 Rand Paul TeaParty money bomb tomorrow, the 16th.

Posted by: sdf at December 15, 2009 07:33 PM (wvkyi)

Disturbing, but not unexpected.

Thanks for sharing.

Posted by: USCitizen at December 15, 2009 07:35 PM (x0kcN)

For the man who has everything...including a tripple ripple.

Looks like it was inspired by some drunk dude who tried to put his sweatshirt on like they were pants.

Posted by: Rodent Liberation Front at December 15, 2009 07:38 PM (dQdrY)

7 Hey, is that a sack of dirty laundry hiding in your pants, or are you just glad to see me?

Posted by: Purple Avenger at December 15, 2009 07:41 PM (ZKDbV)

8 Finally. A pair of pants to wear for hanging yourself with dignity. Nothing worse than writing a truly sweet suicide note, only to have unsightly depends bulges, or stain & stench from inevitably beshatting yourself.

Posted by: krakatoa at December 15, 2009 07:41 PM (hQbvm)

9 Those pants look like when my 6-year-old puts his pajama top on as pants and runs around acting up. I guess if you leave a flap or button on the neck hole, you probably go to the toilet in them too!

Posted by: neuromancer at December 15, 2009 07:45 PM (GDOa/)

10 Anybody tell the Lizard King about these pants yet? I'd bet he'd love to sell 'em on Amazon too.

Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at December 15, 2009 07:45 PM (otlXg)

I guess if you leave a flap or button on the neck hole, you probably go to the toilet in them too!

It could only be an improvement.

Posted by: huerfano at December 15, 2009 07:47 PM (BEYNH)

12 Those pants are awful! And as for the wolf shirt, these guys have the footed PJ version....for adults.

Posted by: Sekhmet at December 15, 2009 07:50 PM (t7fcE)

13 Those are my posting pants. My adult diaper doesn't even need changing for 2 or 3 days! AoSHQ logo on back. "When I move, I slice like a hammer".

Posted by: Dr. Ace at December 15, 2009 07:51 PM (mGSN1)

14 The post just kinda reads funny.

Posted by: AndrewsDad at December 15, 2009 07:52 PM (b/EA7)

$125 CDN!! For those uuuugly pants?

Mein gott!

Posted by: 5Aces at December 15, 2009 07:52 PM (O5yP8)

16 I've searched long and hard for a pair of pants that had enough room in the crotch. Alas, these won't do the job, either.

Posted by: Jarrod at December 15, 2009 07:56 PM (ZgOms)

17 $125 CDN!! For those uuuugly pants?

Are you some kind of hater? These went great with my 70's vintage Earth Shoes and lime green polyester print shirt.

Posted by: Purple Avenger at December 15, 2009 07:59 PM (ZKDbV)

18 For those who prefer tacky gold-plated jewelry to ugly pants, here's the infomercial from hell: it tries to combine a jewelry business with an advertisement for a sci-fi wrestling movie called Blood Circus.

http://tinyurl.com/6mz6fq

Warning: bad idea to watch the 4-minute clip if you're already into the Valu-Rite.

Posted by: PA Cat at December 15, 2009 08:02 PM (KKUW0)

19 Mommy, I'm scared....

Posted by: Ace Frost at December 15, 2009 08:08 PM (Ate22)

20 Go to amazon and read the tuscan milk reviews. Particularly the one about male breast feeding. Hi-larious

Posted by: taylork at December 15, 2009 08:12 PM (qIT/g)

If it wasn't for that bitchin' little tab with the button on it, these things would look really dorky.

Posted by: Sockpuppet Ace #14 at December 15, 2009 08:19 PM (Cafqf)

22 U. Bolt. Me.

B++

Posted by: CUS at December 15, 2009 08:20 PM (n56wA)

23 I've been having problems with my stool lately, and have not been able to pass my Feces as well as I've been accustomed to in the past.

Why is the word feces capitalized?

Posted by: chewydog at December 15, 2009 08:23 PM (9F+6+)

Great! Ace is sock-puppeting PA. What a dink.

Posted by: acecanuck at December 15, 2009 08:35 PM (2qU2d)

Why is the word feces capitalized?
To command greater respect. Or it's a German noun.

Posted by: acecanuck at December 15, 2009 08:37 PM (2qU2d)

26 Someone come over here quick. These things are filling up adn I am sinking.

Posted by: Ace-phitis at December 15, 2009 08:40 PM (ehXLT)

27 AllGoremon wears them alla time and he likes them. Thikn of extended version without needing an 'ool change'.

Posted by: Ace-phitis at December 15, 2009 08:41 PM (ehXLT)

28 Wow just in time for my stint as a 17th century ship's surgeon.

Posted by: Aceshaw Jack at December 15, 2009 08:41 PM (ax/Au)

29 Teh Won can wear those pants instead of mom jeans the next time he throws out the first pitch at a baseball game. Or Michelle can wear a red pair to welcome Oprah to the WH for the holiday special.

Posted by: PA Cat at December 15, 2009 08:49 PM (KKUW0)

30 I could lace myself up upon this stool were it not for these awesome B+ laptop batteries! CD keys to myself!

Posted by: ace blücher at December 15, 2009 08:51 PM (9VE+l)

31 These pants really do help to cool. My scrotum is at least .2 degrees cooler when homoginized. There's nothing worse than stewing in your ball juice during tough interviews about stolen emails, or just because the ground is like 5 million degrees. Solid B+

Posted by: Al Gore at December 15, 2009 08:55 PM (Ro77u)

32 9 Finally. A pair of pants to wear for hanging yourself with dignity.

The blinds go inside the pants?

Posted by: David Carradine at December 15, 2009 08:58 PM (22if9)

33 Whoever wrote that review is an impostor. I only review Kindle over and over and over again.

Posted by: Charles Johnson at December 15, 2009 09:04 PM (xVKXy)

34 Hmm. I like the pants, but they lose out a bit due to the lack of any well defined crease. I give it a solid B+.

Posted by: David Brooks at December 15, 2009 09:05 PM (xVKXy)

35 I've been having problems with my stool lately, and have not been able to pass my Feces as well as I've been accustomed to in the past. after wearing these badboys, I've been able to pass my stool much easier! It feels so good just to be able to put these pants on and go go go without having to stop for a toilet break.

once i get back from my well deserved holiday, i would be very interested to see not only how easy it is to pass my stool, but also to push it in

Posted by: andi sullivan-johnson at December 15, 2009 09:09 PM (sYxEE)

36 Tiger could fit two, maybe three hookers in those suckers.

Posted by: eman at December 15, 2009 09:11 PM (yf/JJ)

37 Nope. Tight as a rabbit.

Posted by: Hillary Clinton at December 15, 2009 09:13 PM (yf/JJ)

38 wow. those pants are disturbing.

Posted by: chemace at December 15, 2009 09:18 PM (F+U5/)

39 I accidentally in my pants. Halp halp.

Posted by: Chuckles Johnson at December 15, 2009 09:21 PM (p1iaB)

40 Okay, seriously about Kindle. Is it something worth buying?

Posted by: chemace at December 15, 2009 09:22 PM (F+U5/)

41 That is really creepy. I think I will pass (lol) this xmas, but am sure will be a hit in Arabia. It is like almost 12th Century.

Posted by: pat at December 15, 2009 09:27 PM (Jr9Wl)

42 A book you bought on kindle can be retracted by Amazon at any time. You do not really own it as you would own an old-fashioned book.

Posted by: eman at December 15, 2009 09:34 PM (yf/JJ)

43 eman, oh that sucks. Well then never mind on Kindle.

Posted by: chemjeff at December 15, 2009 09:46 PM (F+U5/)

44 Those pants are wonderful... for someone who likes milk loads. You could pour a couple gallons in them without leakage.

Posted by: A Edward Newmann at December 15, 2009 09:48 PM (Dt7k0)

45 For those who prefer tacky gold-plated jewelry to ugly pants, here's the infomercial from hell: it tries to combine a jewelry business with an advertisement for a sci-fi wrestling movie called Blood Circus. All the ladies love Santo Gold...

Posted by: cheshirecat at December 15, 2009 09:56 PM (ZHPG2)

46 Honey, where's the dog? Have you checked your pants? What? Let's see..... Oh! You rascal! I thought I felt something. Out you go.

Posted by: eman at December 15, 2009 09:58 PM (yf/JJ)

47 A book you bought on kindle can be retracted by Amazon at any time. Posted by: eman

Not 100% accurate. They retracted a copy of 1984 that was available for free because Amazon thought the copyright had expired. They retracted the book because they would have had to pay royalties or eat the potential lawsuit.

Users were understandably pissed and Bezos apologized. He reiterated that it is not Amazon's policy to recall books.

Posted by: Iskandar at December 15, 2009 10:05 PM (t19oz)

48 You know what? When you use Bag Balm™ on your bag to give it the yielding, veiny suppleness of rich Corinthian leather, such as first seen in the 1974 Chrysler Imperial, advertised by Sr. Ricardo Montalbán, your man-plums are apt to take on dimensions such that only a low-slung item of apparel like that depicted is capable of constraining your 'special bundles of joy' without traumatic herniation. Testicular integrity demands nothing less.

Posted by: David Gillies at December 15, 2009 10:18 PM (g4zXx)

49 49, Oh, my error then. Thanks.

Posted by: eman at December 15, 2009 10:25 PM (yf/JJ)

50 Those pants look like Ghandi & Papa Smurf had a baby. NTTAWWT.

Posted by: Ace Pizza at December 15, 2009 10:27 PM (4iIhs)

51 Those pants are wonderful... for someone who likes milk loads. You could pour a couple gallons in them without leakage.

Posted by: A Edward Newmann at December 16, 2009 01:48 AM (Dt7k0)

Then they should suit Excitable Andi just fine.

Posted by: Bill H at December 15, 2009 10:29 PM (q8CmE)

52 Do they come in loose fit?

Posted by: Jimmah at December 15, 2009 11:01 PM (8yIhu)

53 It's obvious over there when you shitweeds started adding to the reviews. I'm in tears here.

Posted by: Herr Morgenholz at December 15, 2009 11:13 PM (UBQGM)

Honestly, I can't think of a better present for Christmas...well, for any occasion, really...than magic pants.

And hey, if they will make me svelt again, the way I was when...SOB...then, well, I'll have to order them in at least two sizes. One for now, and one for...SOB...then.

Posted by: BeckoningChasm at December 15, 2009 11:33 PM (eNxMU)

55 Those pants are the habilimental equivalent of the Senate health care bill. In fact, I believe they were designed by Reid and Pelosi, for the rest of us to wear.

Posted by: arhooley at December 15, 2009 11:59 PM (GKXA7)

56 They look like those Spooky Pale Green Pants with Nobody Inside 'Em that Doctor Seuss wrote of.

http://tinyurl.com/ydo8rub

Posted by: arhooley at December 16, 2009 12:03 AM (GKXA7)

57 I've searched long and hard for a pair of pants that had enough room in the crotch. Alas, these won't do the job, either.
Posted by: Jarrod

Maybe the guy who made these pants could fit you out properly:

http://tinyurl.com/ydzmlof

Posted by: arhooley at December 16, 2009 12:09 AM (GKXA7)

58 laugh not VAARRRMINTS..... try a pair and be amazed!

Posted by: Yoseite Sam at December 16, 2009 12:17 AM (8iTbj)

I'll wear these pants while I'm doing my xmas shoplifting. You could totally smuggle a couple of turkeys in that shit.

Posted by: BoutrosBoutros at December 16, 2009 12:20 AM (F2Tm3)

Posted by: Yosemite Sam at December 16, 2009 12:39 AM (8iTbj)

61 Listen, I would really appreciate it if those of you who are making fun of me on that site would stop. While I will no-doubt be lampooned for this, I would totally kick most of you guys's asses if you said that shit to my face. You think that's something to make fun of, but I don't see any of you sending me your email addresses.

If you're willing to fuck up a man's reputation on some stupid pants review board, you should be man enough to let me beat your ass down.

Posted by: Jeff Goldstein at December 16, 2009 12:53 AM (uLHPW)

62 such a bargain at that price... I decided to put them on the "wish-list"

Posted by: J2 at December 16, 2009 12:54 AM (8iTbj)

63 If you're willing to fuck up a man's reputation on some stupid pants review board, you should be man enough to let me beat your ass down. You need help, my friend. Trust me; I'm a scientist.

Posted by: Jeff Goldblum at December 16, 2009 01:40 AM (SwkdU)

64 Oh, my error then.

Then again, Amazon does have the technology to expand purchased pants. So what do I know.

Posted by: Iskandar at December 16, 2009 01:40 AM (t19oz)

65 Amazon does have the technology to expand purchased pants. They sure do!! The thought of reading books on my Kindle makes my bike shorts bulge out. Whoa, there they go again!

Posted by: Charlemagne Jansen at December 16, 2009 01:56 AM (SwkdU)

66
While I will no-doubt be lampooned for this...

yep

Posted by: Posted by at December 16, 2009 02:05 AM (5vvtw)

67 December 16, 2009 04:53 AM (uLHPW)

Should we be embarrassed for you because that's a rather lame impersonation or because of the grammatical errors?

Or is this the lightening round? You left us hanging.

Posted by: Iskandar at December 16, 2009 02:31 AM (t19oz)

68 I'm seven feet tall, I eat lightning and crap thunder! These are the only pants that can contain the blast. Brains! English brains!

Posted by: zombie William Wallace at December 16, 2009 02:43 AM (SwkdU)

The Ever Mad Chuckles is now promoting and defending fisting for five year olds. Chuckles likes the idea of young children five years old being encouraged to have oral sex and fisting. Hard to believe anyone could defend this blantant attack on children but if Christians and Conservatives don't like it then Ponytail willl jump in and unquestioning support whatever it is even if it is books promoted to teach kids to be whores when they are not even six years old. That means Chuckles also supports old men having sex with really young boys and girls who are not even close to ten years old yet.

Posted by: Steve In Tulsa at December 16, 2009 03:50 AM (lv+sJ)

70 Andrew Sullivan, Pyongyang, MA

I bought these for my cousin Corky, who was afflicted at birth with an extra chromosome. Corky just loves wearing his MJOLK Simonslouch Trousers during mealtime, when he gets force-fed his Mongo Chow. The MJOLK Simonslouch Trouser's unique fit affords Corky much needed extra space for when he "has an accident" and defecates in his pants, which he sometimes stews in for days on end.

Posted by: RJ at December 16, 2009 03:54 AM (ADbI4)

71 Wonder if they come in upholstery print?

Posted by: Michelle Obama's stylist at December 16, 2009 04:26 AM (KVSUW)

72 Wonder if they come in upholstery print? Tasteful upholstery, or the kind you usually wear?

Posted by: zombie Mr Blackwell at December 16, 2009 04:42 AM (SwkdU)

73 Fucking hilarious..!1!1

Posted by: NYCRetired at December 16, 2009 04:44 AM (cq+XG)

74 Justin Wilson, Cajun Chef Won't ride up, I garr-un-tee! Hoooo!

Posted by: Johnny I, unseeded funnyman at December 16, 2009 04:57 AM (ig2PW)

75 Please, Hammer, don't hurt 'em!

Posted by: Johnny I, unseeded funnyman at December 16, 2009 05:01 AM (ig2PW)

76 63 Listen, I would really appreciate it if those of you who are making fun of me on that site would stop. While I will no-doubt be lampooned for this, I would totally kick most of you guys's asses if you said that shit to my face. You think that's something to make fun of, but I don't see any of you sending me your email addresses.

If you're willing to fuck up a man's reputation on some stupid pants review board, you should be man enough to let me beat your ass down.

Posted by: Jeff Goldstein at December 16, 2009 04:53 AM (uLHPW)

Patterico, is that you?

Posted by: Jim in San Diego at December 16, 2009 05:11 AM (F09Uo)

77 Andi loves them. He wears them at his fan rallies. Which is really nothing more than a bus stations' bathroom stall.

Posted by: hutch1200 at December 16, 2009 05:16 AM (dUR2C)

78 Wow. Another rush to give fake reviews to a product none of you need, want, or have ever seen.

It was clever when it was "The Story of Ping". The Tuscan Whole Milk episode was slightly amusing. With the 3 Wolves Moon shirt, it started to get old. Now? Now it's lame.

Posted by: Rob Crawford at December 16, 2009 05:22 AM (ZJ/un)

79 All I want for Xmas is a missing Lockerbie bomber doll. http://tinyurl.com/ycy2xp9

Posted by: Jean at December 16, 2009 05:25 AM (tTdaQ)

80 "Hammer time?"

Or get hammered time?
.

Posted by: locomotivebreath1901 at December 16, 2009 05:26 AM (vh+HM)

81 RandPaulGraphs graphs Rand's Tea Party. HeÂ’s raised about 50 thousand so far. ThatÂ’s pretty good.

Posted by: sdf at December 16, 2009 05:28 AM (wvkyi)

82 Posted by: Steve In Tulsa at December 16, 2009 07:50 AM (lv+sJ)

Are you for real? I'd go and check myself but my blood pressure is high enough already.

Posted by: David Brooks at December 16, 2009 05:29 AM (xVKXy)

Now? Now it's lame.

You're just mad because you bought 3 pair.

Posted by: Entropy at December 16, 2009 05:50 AM (IsLT6)

84 Rand Paul Tea Party money bomb today. RandPaulGraphs. HeÂ’s raised about 50 thousand so far. ThatÂ’s pretty good. ,

Posted by: sdf at December 16, 2009 05:55 AM (wvkyi)

85 LOL PA, solid B+!

Posted by: Titus Quinctius Cincinnatus at December 16, 2009 06:01 AM (DrGKS)

86 Thank you Revolve clothing, for now the pants are Rocky Balboa and my scrotum is the training meat....

Posted by: Dees Nutz at December 16, 2009 06:07 AM (037Wm)

87 Rand Paul takes sloppy seconds on the cattle his father shags down in Brazoria.

Posted by: Zimriel at December 16, 2009 06:10 AM (9Sbz+)

Looks like the Naval Academy Class of '85 flag would just fit in there.

Just sayin'. What kind of man wears Simonslouch?

Posted by: comatus at December 16, 2009 06:18 AM (/VEEI)

89 "Michelle can wear a red pair to welcome Oprah to the WH for the holiday special."

With an appropriate extra-wide belt , I hope! Fashionistas would dig it.

Posted by: dfbaskwill (er ImeanAce) at December 16, 2009 06:21 AM (7Gs5S)

I've invented a new dance to take advantage of the pants.

It's called "The Mess".

What you do is, you plant your feet firmly on the floor, and vigorously move your bowels.

Posted by: Disco Stu at December 16, 2009 07:02 AM (o6Rer)

91 I started reading the reviews and had to go to the loo because I was just about ready to wet myself laughing.

Posted by: Ace Fish Stick at December 16, 2009 07:59 AM (iYbLN)

92 My impression was far too stupid to have come from either of those bloggers in that spat, but come on, it's performance art! You can't diss me for being stupid when I'm kicking your ass. I have three buldging bisceps that say you're going to bend over and kiss my ass. I am incredibly awesome and tough, which is why I win all my arguments.

Also, I detect a subtle hint of anti semitism. You make me sick.

Posted by: Jeff Goldstein at December 16, 2009 10:04 AM (uLHPW)

93 Haha, another one:

http://tinyurl.com/yelojdm

Posted by: RJ at December 16, 2009 01:21 PM (ADbI4)

94 Self-blousing seven-day shitters! A pair for all my men!

Posted by: Al Gore, Cmbt ICE Cmdr, Esq. at December 16, 2009 02:07 PM (aO1EC)

95 Get a kilt! Nyaaaa-a-a!

Posted by: William Wallace at December 16, 2009 02:09 PM (2X8VA)

96 At least you could stow a pair of Levis in there in case you get tired of the heckling...

Posted by: Golem14 at December 16, 2009 02:14 PM (2X8VA)

@94

Then you obviously need a pair of those pants... that way, you could stay at your computer and skip the trip!

Oh, and which one of you gave a review as "Barry O., Washington, DC"?