Ace of Spades HQ

April 29, 2010

A Guest Post by Charlie Crist
— Jack M.

Many of you are wondering what I am going to run on should I declare an independent candidacy for the United States Senate.

I think the most compelling issue is abundantly clear. Quite simply, I am going to run on the platform of Repeal & Replace!

Seriously...doesn't that link prove my conservative bona-fides to you wingnuts? What more do you want out of me?

Oh...and maybe I'll try to get Bill Clinton a Congressional Gold Medal for sending that Cuban punk back to Havana. During the primary campaign, I came to appreciate just how prudent and farsighted a gesture that was. In fact, as I gazed upon the increasing distance between myself and Speaker Rubio in the polls, I often found myself asking "Where is Janet Reno when she's really needed?"

So, that's pretty much it. Repealing the tanning tax and deporting inconvenient Cubans before they have a chance to grow up and run against you.

That's really all I got. Obama's stimulating everything else just fine, I think.

Well, that's not really true. I do have one other selling point.

I blow one mean Conch! That's important to Florida's voters, especially those who live in the Keys. Why, on a good day, one can see virtually unlimited conch roaming wild and free in their native habitat!

See...here I am putting my talent to full, effective use.

People tell me I have a natural talent for it. "Charlie," they say "you seem like a guy who's blown a lot of conch." I also hear voters tell me that "Washington is full of conch-suckers like you" and that makes me confident that I'll fit in just fine! Unlike my two opponents, Rubio and Meek, who I have never seen blow a conch. I don't think anyone's ever even alleged it.

I mean, that has to count for something, right? My "learning curve" will be much shorter than theirs, and I will be able to get to work on behalf of Floridians that much quicker.

The more I think about it, the more excited I get! I can see it now....hanging out in the cloakrooms, voting with the Democrats 95% of the time, and transforming myself into a one man Chamber of Commerce for Florida Conch.

I have to end this post now, as I have a phone call from Senator Graham to return. He wants to discuss a "comprehensive conch cap and trade" bill, and I am eager to show my ability to reach around the aisle.

See you fine folks in November!

Charlie "a conch in every pot" Crist.

Posted by: Jack M. at 12:13 PM | Comments (48)
Post contains 441 words, total size 3 kb.

1 That pic is HOT!

Posted by: Hobo at April 29, 2010 12:18 PM (V8B//)

2 He can blow a conch alright. LOL,, he and Graham need to get together at a rest stop on I-95 and get caught!

Posted by: Vic at April 29, 2010 12:19 PM (QrA9E)

3 I don't suppose Charlie ever turned his hand or, or turned his lip to blowing the shofar?

Posted by: nine coconuts at April 29, 2010 12:19 PM (DHNp4)

And Rahm can poke me in the chest with his dick hanging out any time he wants!

Posted by: Gov. Charlie Crist, Human Traffic Cone at April 29, 2010 12:19 PM (QKKT0)

5 Charlie I'll blow your conch anytime.

Posted by: Barney Fwank at April 29, 2010 12:19 PM (tf9Ne)

6 I love snorkeling conchs too!

Posted by: Charlie Crist at April 29, 2010 12:19 PM (IhQuA)

I blow one mean Conch!

As do I.

Posted by: Monica Lewinsky-Devilette in a Blue Dress at April 29, 2010 12:20 PM (pLTLS)

8 Dilettante.

Take it from me, when it comes to blowing conch, it's the tongue action that separates the men from the boys.

Posted by: Lindsey Graham at April 29, 2010 12:20 PM (ZSVyF)

9 Crist looks like he's pulling that conch shell off his face. Wonder if under that orange skin there's reptile skin lurking beneath. He'll always have a supporting role on V.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at April 29, 2010 12:20 PM (UOM48)

10 Put yer tongue back in yer mouth, Perv Boy.

Posted by: disgusted conch at April 29, 2010 12:21 PM (4Kl5M)

11 Awww, Vic beat me to it.

Posted by: HeatherRadish at April 29, 2010 12:21 PM (mR7mk)

12 No, I'm not happy to see you Charlie, but that IS a conch in my pants.

Posted by: FUBAR at April 29, 2010 12:22 PM (1fanL)

13 Why, just last year he was blowing Barack Obama's conch.

Posted by: Benson at April 29, 2010 12:22 PM (qzcNU)

14 All this talk about conch has me all a-fritter!

Posted by: steve at April 29, 2010 12:23 PM (nd0uY)

Chuck, here's a tip (although something tells me you're not a novice)-- no teeth!

Posted by: laceyunderalls at April 29, 2010 12:23 PM (pLTLS)

16 What consenting adults do with their conchs in the privacy of their own homes is one thing, but some things shouldn't be blown in public.

Posted by: looking closely at April 29, 2010 12:23 PM (PwGfd)

17 Remember, when you pull a conch out of its shell you have to beat it to get it soft....wait.....

Posted by: Jane D'oh at April 29, 2010 12:25 PM (UOM48)

18 Two weeks ago, on a Sunday afternoon, as I campaigned for what I thought was a very conservative position of leadership in Florida as a solid Republican. The case against Conservatives, I believed, was being overstated by Democrats in need of additional resources. Ever committed to preserving the dignity of Conservatives in a world which constantly stereotypes them as violent savages, I viewed this campaign as yet one more opportunity to fight Â“the manÂ” on behalf of my brothers. That day, before I could finish the campaign, I was held in a Fox news studio and raped repeatedly by one of the very Republicans who I had spent the bulk of my life advocating for.

Posted by: C. Crist, Civic Servant and Activist in Florida at April 29, 2010 12:25 PM (DHNp4)

19 I really like the orange skin - just the thing to attract the youth vote. With the white hair, he kinda looks like a comic book character, only with less depth.

See ya in the Senate, Chuck! We're both sure to win!

Posted by: Arlen Specter at April 29, 2010 12:25 PM (3hg5M)

Every Republican donor to Crist should demand their donations be returned asap.

Then let him find a replacement source.

Posted by: Lazarus Long at April 29, 2010 12:26 PM (+MZ0U)

21 Maybe if Charlie blew a few conches in Key West he might get more votes.

Posted by: mpfs at April 29, 2010 12:27 PM (QuP9W)

22 He'll bail out by August. Come November, he'll be posting iced tea videos on You-Tube.

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at April 29, 2010 12:30 PM (8lCJT)

23

in case any of you morons are unaware:

It's pronounced

KONK

Posted by: Charlie Krisp at April 29, 2010 12:31 PM (UaxA0)

24 We can haz flaming conch?

Posted by: starboardhelm at April 29, 2010 12:31 PM (SgSfB)

25

and the N is usually silent.

Posted by: Charllie Krisp at April 29, 2010 12:31 PM (UaxA0)

26 #20

Already happening:
http://tinyurl.com/22tvtw3

Refunds Requested

Cornyn told reporters today that donors across the country have already requested refunds from Crist.

Â“That process is well under way,Â” he told reporters today. Â“People have already begun to ask for their money back.Â”

I saw another story today (but don't have the link handy) that Crist's campaign was talking about pro-rating donor refunds (pro-rating for what?)

Posted by: looking closely at April 29, 2010 12:32 PM (PwGfd)

Posted by: ian at April 29, 2010 12:34 PM (b/qUt)

28 Gosh, to have an RNC chairman with stones, to go after anyone who contributes to Crist or endorses him, and make it clear they will be boycotted and ostracized until the end of time. What I'd give to have that RNC chairman use the phrase 'scorched earth' and sound like they meant it. Shit, who am I kidding. Never mind.

Posted by: KilltheHippies at April 29, 2010 12:35 PM (VKfXw)

29 #26 Here it is, partial refunds from the Conch blower:

April 29, 2010

Charlie Crist's campaign giving donors partial refunds.

The Charlie Crist campaign is already hearing from donors asking for their money back, and the campaign is giving donors pro-rated refunds.

Posted by Adam Smith at 12:09:46 PM on April 29, 2010

Which begs the question of why only partial refunds? He's only refunding the money he hasn't spent yet?

Posted by: looking closely at April 29, 2010 12:35 PM (6Q9g2)

30 He kind of looks a little like Senator Robery Kelley, the mutant hating senator, who was of course, turned into one, died and was masqueraded by Mystique

Posted by: ian at April 29, 2010 12:36 PM (b/qUt)

31 I saw another story today (but don't have the link handy) that Crist's campaign was talking about pro-rating donor refunds (pro-rating for what?)

He's taking a principled position. It's not fair to expect GOP donations to be kept by an independent candidate. But GOP donations to a stealth Dem shitheel is fair game, bitches.

Posted by: Lindsey Graham at April 29, 2010 12:36 PM (ZSVyF)

Conch? - more like a cleverly disguised opium pipe.

Posted by: J. Peterman at April 29, 2010 12:38 PM (GwPRU)

33 "MSM newsteam, assemble!"

Posted by: rdbrewer at April 29, 2010 12:42 PM (ajjrO)

34 Hey Charlie, blow on this!

Posted by: a moron with a huge conch at April 29, 2010 12:47 PM (YVZlY)

35 Hey Charlie, pro-rate this!

Posted by: the smart-ass moron with the huge conch at April 29, 2010 12:49 PM (YVZlY)

36 Why does Charlie Crist keep sucking my dick?

Posted by: Random Voter at April 29, 2010 12:53 PM (ajjrO)

37 Got to love the media spin on this. The Tea Party is spliting the GOP and this will ensue more Dims will get elected.

Posted by: TheQuietMan at April 29, 2010 01:17 PM (1Jaio)

38 Crist handles that conch like a champ.

Posted by: Tattoo De Plane at April 29, 2010 02:10 PM (mHQ7T)

39 I used to live in South Florida and it's usually pronounced 'konk'. And I think you blow the conch on the other end, so because he doesn't know which end of the conch to put his mouth on he can't find the conch hole to blow correctly. Not only is he a conch blower, he's a bad conch blower.

Posted by: Orwellian at April 29, 2010 02:49 PM (EXx/A)

40 You're wasting your time Christ. Even the Mer-men are voting for Rubio. It's over.

Posted by: cackfinger at April 29, 2010 03:32 PM (TUBcJ)

41 Aw crap. I wrote "Christ" instead of Crist. That was stupid. For his next trick Charlie'll blow a limpet and some scallops !

Posted by: cackfinger at April 29, 2010 03:37 PM (TUBcJ)

42 Hmmmm.

Advice for Charlie:

Blow is just a euphemism.

Posted by: memomachine at April 29, 2010 04:27 PM (MwCol)

Well it's obvious he's no tea bagger.

Posted by: Support the NRSC at April 29, 2010 05:17 PM (2Ye5I)

44 Yup, Charlie. No one blows harder than you.

Posted by: JC at April 29, 2010 05:46 PM (kmuoQ)

45 He's an empty haircut, and I'm pretty sure he actually thought that his obviously Senatorial hair would guarantee him the Senate seat. He wouldn't have to do anything except put on a suit and wear his white Senator hair.

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