March 18, 2010
— LauraW Good Day to you, Morons, Moronettes, and all you drooling lovable pudding-eaters with your sneakers on the wrong feet.
As you all know, here at the 'Q, we usually depend on Val-U-Rite 'irregular' vodka and hobo-killin' to take care of any stress issues that may arise in the course of our daily meanderings.
However, sometimes the life's blood of a drifter slithering through our fingers in big wet chunky gobbets just isn't enough to calm us or take our worry away.
Let's be realistic; life has gotten difficult for many, many American working men and women. I'm sure there's plenty of tales of woe right here on this very blog. I have a couple of friends who are very, very, very tense right now. One of them is a working mom whose office staff has been pared back to the point where she feels that the world is resting on her shoulders. The other is the backbone of her family, who recently lost her (not-great paying) job and is trying to struggle along on some pretty paltry unemployment dough.
These are tense times. This post is dedicated to all you worried people, and to my friends Tammy and Lisa.
Most of us are probably familiar with these mental exercises that help affirm us and provide a healthy outlook.
I have a relaxing and enjoyable stress-reduction exercise for you under the break, here. Please consider it a gift from the Ace of Spades family, to yours. After reading this, close your eyes and do the following:
Take a few deep, cleansing breaths.
Imagine yourself in a lovely natural setting of your own preference. It is a beautiful day. See your surroundings. The sky is blue, with just a few fluffy white clouds. You are seated comfortably and the sun is warming your skin.
Good.
Now I want you to think about all your stress, all your problems, the needs of your family, and all the difficulty you are having with other people, too. Imagine all of this taking the form of a bird. A really huge bird.
This bird is a gigantic ugly vulture, bigger than you, perched on your wretched shoulders like a malevolent spirit. Take a few moments to feel the weight on your shoulders, literally oppressing you. It is painful and your spine feels ready to crack from the weight. This ugly motherfucker's loathsome and filthy claws are digging into your neck, it is chuckling hideously, and you feel nauseated and wracked with unutterable fear.
Good. You're doing great.
Take a few short, shallow gulps for air.
The vulture's beak represents your own worry. The beast is now beginning to drag its beak, crusty and polluted, across your forehead, wickedly teasing you. This leaves stinging scratches in your skin, which further excite the bird's attention.
Imagine your bowels let go. Good.
Take in the whole scene. You are sitting in a pile of your own stinking waste while a putrid hellbound creature prepares to take you apart piece by quivering piece. Oh, and it's a gorgeous day outside. Nice little breeze is kicking up. Why not, right? At least it's not raining.
If you are on heart medication, place it under your tongue now and catch your breath to let the hysteria abate a bit.
Good.
The beak (which represents worry) now makes its initial foray into your flesh. It slams into the top of your eyesocket, bursting through your skin and mashing the soft flesh underneath. The foul, reeking beak continues hammering into your skull, pulling out mashed stringy bits of gore. Your eyeball is hanging wetly against your cheek, suspended at the end of some long piece of red goo. You know you are going to die, and you begin screaming, screaming, screaming in vain.
Take a breath.
Good.
Look; how bad is your day, really? Think about it.
Posted by: LauraW at
06:43 AM
| Comments (114)
Post contains 653 words, total size 4 kb.
um... ewww.
Posted by: The Chewbacca Defense at March 18, 2010 06:46 AM (YMZjg)
Posted by: Lurkin'no'mo at March 18, 2010 06:47 AM (6zvrq)
Posted by: Dave in Texas at March 18, 2010 06:49 AM (WvXvd)
Posted by: conscious, but incoherent at March 18, 2010 06:50 AM (Vu6sl)
Posted by: Mal at March 18, 2010 06:50 AM (Z+qzA)
Posted by: Gaff at March 18, 2010 06:51 AM (jDWYv)
Posted by: The Chicken at March 18, 2010 06:52 AM (kCEOg)
Posted by: winewife at March 18, 2010 06:53 AM (OnM4p)
Posted by: Conan at March 18, 2010 06:54 AM (v0kvW)
Posted by: President-for-life and Exhaulted Grand Poobah Barack Hussein Obama, PBUH at March 18, 2010 06:54 AM (SgGTT)
Posted by: HeatherRadish at March 18, 2010 06:55 AM (mR7mk)
Posted by: Old Sailor at March 18, 2010 06:56 AM (/Ft4q)
Posted by: conscious, but incoherent at March 18, 2010 06:56 AM (Vu6sl)
Posted by: Christopher Calandro at March 18, 2010 06:57 AM (JdbYk)
Posted by: Crusty at March 18, 2010 06:58 AM (GvSpB)
Posted by: Christopher Calandro at March 18, 2010 10:57 AM (JdbYk)
Testor's Model Glue. Smells like an orange, fries like an egg.
Posted by: grognard at March 18, 2010 06:59 AM (v0kvW)
Do you know of some mechanism by which I can trade my life for the circumstance you have outlined above?
Posted by: Truman North at March 18, 2010 07:00 AM (e8YaH)
Posted by: Tim at March 18, 2010 07:00 AM (xq7pr)
Do you know of some mechanism by which I can trade my life for the circumstance you have outlined above?
Posted by: Truman North at March 18, 2010 11:00 AM (e8YaH)
Piss off Thulsa Doom at his Mountain of Power.
Posted by: Conan at March 18, 2010 07:00 AM (v0kvW)
Testor's Model Glue. Smells like an orange, fries like an egg.
Word. I was an avid model airplane builder when I was a lad. I think all those Testor's fumes contributed to the massive chemical imbalance I suffer from/delight in.
Posted by: ErikW at March 18, 2010 07:02 AM (NwNBg)
For destressing activity I prefer downing a couple Dogfish Head vodka screwdrivers then hopping on my mountain bike and weaving through rush hour traffic.
really clears the mind and refreshes the spirit
Posted by: kallisto at March 18, 2010 07:02 AM (+FkcS)
Have you tried hitting the nuke with a rock?
Posted by: dead, not sleeping at March 18, 2010 07:03 AM (u37xD)
Testor's Model Glue. Smells like an orange, fries like an egg.
Word. I was an avid model airplane builder when I was a
lad. I think all those Testor's fumes contributed to the massive
chemical imbalance I suffer from/delight in.
Posted by: ErikW at March 18, 2010 11:02 AM (NwNBg)
Ditto. Between the glue, the paint thinner, and the lack of proper ventilation, that was a hell of a fun hobby.
Posted by: Conan at March 18, 2010 07:03 AM (v0kvW)
Posted by: HeatherRadish at March 18, 2010 07:03 AM (mR7mk)
Posted by: unknown jane at March 18, 2010 07:06 AM (5/yRG)
You are sitting in a pile of your own stinking waste while a putrid hellbound creature prepares to take you apart piece by quivering piece
That was me after the pub last night.
Posted by: Dang Straights at March 18, 2010 07:07 AM (fx8sm)
Posted by: jewells at March 18, 2010 07:07 AM (l/N7H)
This ugly motherfucker's loathsome and filthy claws are digging into your neck, it is chuckling hideously, and you feel nauseated and wracked with unutterable fear.
So I'm picturing Nancy Pelosi.
Posted by: Benson at March 18, 2010 07:09 AM (qzcNU)
BALL DIPPING!!! Steve Lynch of Massachusetts is YES TO NO flip. Saw this over at HHR: On the Hill:
Lynch (who was not a GOP target) has been flipped to NO in The Hill Count
Says he will vote no. Proponent of Stupak language. Has major problems with “deem and pass” strategy. Told Politico, “I don’t buy the argument that he’s done if this doesn’t pass. He’s got three more years. He can recover.”
MMMMMM MMMMMM MMMMMM
Posted by: phoenixrisen at March 18, 2010 07:10 AM (74DQm)
Posted by: joncelli at March 18, 2010 07:11 AM (RD7QR)
Posted by: Vic at March 18, 2010 07:11 AM (QrA9E)
I'm about 6 hours away from DC, and I'll have two horses depending on me for food and exercise this weekend, so I won't be going to protest this shitshow. Anyone else gonna make the trip?
Oh, and a question. Do you think throwing Skittles at members of Congress (or maybe just the buildings themselves) would be considered unlawful enough to warrant arrest? If not, I think everyone who goes to the protest should bring a bag and throw them "back" at the people trying to convince us that they're free and good for us.
Posted by: lincolntf at March 18, 2010 07:14 AM (cGaVN)
Posted by: Antimatter at March 18, 2010 07:15 AM (gbCNS)
Posted by: Editor at March 18, 2010 07:17 AM (pUfK9)
Posted by: Guy Smiley at March 18, 2010 07:19 AM (0QJjg)
LauraW = IN
Posted by: wildwood at March 18, 2010 11:18 AM (VSWPU)
Oprah - No
LauraW - I'd hit it, hump and all!
Posted by: conscious, but incoherent at March 18, 2010 07:21 AM (Vu6sl)
Posted by: Rocks at March 18, 2010 07:21 AM (Q1lie)
"big wet chunky gobbets"
Mmmm.
Great green globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts, mutilated monkey meat, dirty little birdie feet...
Posted by: Guy Smiley at March 18, 2010 07:21 AM (0QJjg)
I was really hoping for a way to de-stress from the anxiety I have been feeling lately over what our government is doing to us. I suppose things could really be worse, I am cured, thank you.
Oh look! Obama is signing a jobs bill! All is well.
Click my name for an insane biker video that will raise your sitting pulse rate by a couple points for fear of your fellow man ending up as a red stain on the back of a truck some day.
Posted by: Mord at March 18, 2010 07:24 AM (tTj19)
Posted by: Gromulin at March 18, 2010 07:27 AM (7FA9S)
After a while can't the news people recognize that Obama every other hour is no longer news; its boredom.
Posted by: Vic at March 18, 2010 07:28 AM (QrA9E)
Oh look! Obama is signing a jobs bill! All is well.
Yes--we'll give tax breaks to businesses who hire workers to serve customers they don't have.
It's in all the economicalism textbooks.
Posted by: Circa (Insert Year Here) at March 18, 2010 07:30 AM (B+qrE)
...the life's blood of a drifter slithering through our fingers in big wet chunky gobbets
I dare Poe to top that. Yes, he's dead and rotted away, but if he still haunts Gaia as a zombie, I'll bet he's all aquiver. I know I am.
Posted by: Antimatter at March 18, 2010 07:31 AM (gbCNS)
I thought it was their call to prayer. Five times daily! Face D.C. and hit the ground to give thanks to The Won!
Posted by: HeatherRadish at March 18, 2010 07:31 AM (mR7mk)
Posted by: MCPO Airdale at March 18, 2010 07:33 AM (Zn88K)
FIFY. You may file this post under 'patently unhelpful' at your earliest convenience.
Posted by: Howler Monkey God at March 18, 2010 07:34 AM (AIyLg)
That is a spammer hitting all the threads with what appears to links to porn. Which for a normal Moron that would be grounds for instant banning.
Posted by: Vic at March 18, 2010 07:36 AM (QrA9E)
Posted by: Mrs. Compton at March 18, 2010 07:37 AM (NaJ/S)
There are worse ways to lose your eyes.
Posted by: Oedipus at March 18, 2010 10:52 AM (TpXEI)
Helen Thomas in a thong comes to mind
Posted by: Unclefacts, Meteor Summoner At Large at March 18, 2010 07:37 AM (erIg9)
Which for a normal Moron that would be grounds for instant banning and excessive self-gratification
ftfy
Posted by: Dang Straights at March 18, 2010 07:38 AM (fx8sm)
Spot the Bridge
It's at Theo Spark's. So clicking on the image will enlarge it.
Hours of intensive effort and that tricksey bridge continues to elude me. See if you can spot it first!
Posted by: Looking Glass at March 18, 2010 07:44 AM (IfMnA)
Old Man: Crucifixion's a dawdle.
Centurion: Don't keep saying that.
Posted by: Cautiously Pessimistic at March 18, 2010 07:46 AM (pZEar)
Posted by: Vic at March 18, 2010 07:46 AM (QrA9E)
Posted by: joncelli at March 18, 2010 11:11 AM (RD7QR)
We have been told that he red licorice is tainted. please do not eat the red licorice.
Posted by: Garth at March 18, 2010 07:48 AM (fPOY0)
Posted by: skinbad at March 18, 2010 07:49 AM (xDPzy)
Posted by: FUBAR at March 18, 2010 07:52 AM (1fanL)
Posted by: harleycowboy at March 18, 2010 07:54 AM (JKGfQ)
Posted by: motionview at March 18, 2010 07:57 AM (DtSf1)
This bird is a gigantic ugly vulture, bigger than you, perched on your wretched shoulders like a malevolent spirit. Take a few moments to feel the weight on your shoulders, literally oppressing you. It Grab your weapon, in my case a .380, and shoot the is painful and your spine feels ready to crack from the weight. This ugly motherfucker's loathsome head off and filthy claws are digging into your neck, it is while chuckling hideously, and you feel nauseated and wracked with unutterable fear. Then you clean, dress, and gut the mutherfucker, slap it over some hot coals, and bon appetite. Break out a nice bottle of Chianti, while you're at it.
FIFY
Posted by: SFC MAC at March 18, 2010 08:05 AM (RPkOk)
Hey, that was great. But instead of letting the foul beast have his way with me, I just reached up and snapped the fucker's neck.
Woo hoo!
Posted by: I R A Darth Aggie at March 18, 2010 08:19 AM (kay6f)
Holy shit, dude - remind me to never piss Laura off. That's an imagination I would not want awake while I was sleeping next to it. Mr. Laura's in my prayers tonight.
BTW, I'm now strangely reluctant to make "keep fucking that chicken" jokes. I admit it - I never considered the poor bird's feelings until my bowels just let loose and he was dragging his beak across my forehead. Go figure.
Posted by: SocietyIs2Blame at March 18, 2010 08:34 AM (rPDD/)
Posted by: Jeff at March 18, 2010 08:34 AM (wr8S+)
Posted by: Lunatic Fringe at March 18, 2010 08:36 AM (uFdnM)
75:
Some things can't be un-envisioned. Thx a bunch.
Toss in Madeline Albright, Hillary!, two cans of whipped cream and a lawn chair while you're at it. Damn you, brain - why must you imagine so.
Posted by: SocietyIs2Blame at March 18, 2010 08:40 AM (rPDD/)
You want horror stories?! I'm supposed to be on the road to Vegas Right Now to meet like twenty good friends for a weekend of weapons grade buffoonery... but instead... I'm At The Office!! And I will be throughout the weekend!! Sonofa!
stupid responsibility....
Posted by: Terry at March 18, 2010 08:44 AM (+7Usq)
Posted by: iowavette at March 18, 2010 09:02 AM (0JTac)
Posted by: lauraw at March 18, 2010 09:12 AM (G2MSL)
Posted by: Carednek at March 18, 2010 09:19 AM (onuG5)
How 'bout Squirrel Nut Zippers? Got any of them?
Posted by: Vic at March 18, 2010 09:27 AM (QrA9E)
Posted by: Sweetsrender at March 18, 2010 09:46 AM (rVDlM)
Posted by: soulpile at March 18, 2010 09:56 AM (afWhQ)
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Posted by: maddogg at March 18, 2010 06:44 AM (OlN4e)