March 01, 2010
— Ace For those coming late to the blog, this guy...
...ran for Minnesota governor in 2006, on the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party ticket. Unsuccessfully, I should add, in case you're wondering.
He courted religious voters... sort of.
Honesty is very seldom heard nowadays, especially from a politician. So, I am going to break from political tradition. My name is Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, Ph.D., L.D.D.D. I am a Satanic Dark Priest, Sanguinarian Vampyre and a Hecate Witch....
My Magikal Path name is: Lord Ares.
...
I despise and hate the Christian God the Father. He is my enemy.
However, it doesn't mean that I hate all his followers. This Country was founded on religious rights and freedoms. This is guaranteed under the 1st Amendment of our great constitution. This right allows me to worship Lucifer and the Goddess Hecate, just as it allows you to worship the Goddess/God of your choice.
He cribbed that last paragraph straight from Haley Barbour.
I just looked up "Sanguinarian," and it turns out its derived from the Latin, meaning "dressing in cheap throw rugs and waving a plastic sword."
Later he was arrested for stalking and harassing a 16-year-old girl. In fairness, the 16-year-old girl threatened him:
She told police that "in a desperate attempt" to get him to leave her alone, she had e-mailed him that she was a member of an elite vampire hunter society and that continuing their relationship would put him in danger.
He responded, via YouTube, noting he didn't need her protection, since he was a trained hunter, sniper, and death dealer:
He even managed to get his very own Cool Facts About Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey thread.
Well, he's back in the headlines.
Well, the page B-25 headlines, anyway.
Guy meets girl. Guy falls for girl. Guy asks girl to marry him. Old story.Except when the smitten guy is Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, a 44-year-old self-described vampire from New Jersey, who has a colored history of controversial relationships with teenage girls, a laundry list of run-ins with the law in at least three states, and a bizarre plan to get elected Minnesota's next governor.
And when the object of his affection is 16-year-old Paige Brewer, a troubled kid who walked out on her mother, Jillian Moen, and their Mound home six months ago. Brewer met Sharkey in an online vampire forum in January. She, too, claimed to be a vamp.
In case you're wondering what sort of ass goes for a 44 year old magikal Sanguinarian vampyr taps:
Like, totally hot ass 'n stuff.
An email relationship developed. Sharkey proposed marriage on February 11 via YouTube video. She accepted via MySpace. On Valentine's Day he flew in from New Jersey to pick her up and the pair went into hiding—with a cell phone, an internet connection, and an insatiable desire to wage war with their critics in the comments section of the City Pages website.
That marriage proposal seems to have been taken down from YouTube -- but here is a video of him making a different proposal, to kick some guy's ass in gladiator combat, showing off his voluptuous arm-fat.
Authorities are looking for the girl, and she's been listed as "an endangered runaway by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children."
"Screw off," Brewer said in an interview, adding that she knew all about Sharkey's criminal record, and discounted it after getting to know him better. She said she was a vampire, too, and that Sharkey was treating her like his queen."I bit him first," she said. "Let me live my life."
So -- what do we have here? A "Dark Satanic Lord" practicing dark "magik," a vampyr and pagan, a man with a history of having sex with underage girls and now apparently "marrying" one and taking her into hiding from the authorities, and a man who ran for Minnesota governor.
What does this make him?
That's right -- a Teabagger. Obviously.
Thanks to "ace's liver."
I can't believe I just spent 40 minutes on this post.
Yup... Salem Communications should be calling with a cash offer any minute now.
Any. Minute. Now.
Whoops, Update: The girl has been released back into the custody of her mother by the self-professed vampire.
Or, using "JonathOn's" fucked-up spelling:
The gyrl has byn releast bakk into the kustody of her mooothyr by the sylf-pryfyssyd vampyre.
Thanks to Vic, or "Vyc."
Posted by: Ace at
11:02 AM
| Comments (284)
Post contains 758 words, total size 6 kb.
Posted by: ThackerAgency at March 01, 2010 11:05 AM (HhRUR)
Posted by: /dev/null at March 01, 2010 11:07 AM (rGcVx)
Posted by: GarandFan at March 01, 2010 11:07 AM (6mwMs)
*splorf*
Yeah. Clearly my standards are too high.
Posted by: HeatherRadish at March 01, 2010 11:08 AM (mR7mk)
Get that man a development contract!
Posted by: Every Hollywood Talent Agent you've ever heard of at March 01, 2010 11:08 AM (I/MqP)
Posted by: Vic at March 01, 2010 11:08 AM (QrA9E)
Posted by: doug at March 01, 2010 11:08 AM (MQlzc)
Posted by: maddogg at March 01, 2010 11:09 AM (OlN4e)
Honesty is very seldom heard nowadays, especially from a politician. So, I am going to break from political tradition. My name is Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, Ph.D., L.D.D.D. I am a Satanic Dark Priest, Sanguinarian Vampyre and a Hecate Witch.
Oh, I forgot about this alternate spelling of "vampire". I haven't a clue what the different vampire spellings mean (if anything in the world of Nerdcraft).
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:09 AM (9hSKh)
Just another reason why I refuse to go to New Jersey.
Posted by: taylork at March 01, 2010 11:09 AM (0Hn5w)
Posted by: lorien1973 at March 01, 2010 11:09 AM (IhQuA)
I had forgotten about this dude entirely—he constitutes one of my first serious "Internet memories" from way back in the day. Hopefully he comes out of hiding soon; there are a lot of disenfranchised witches, vampyres, and pagans out there craving blood, virgin sacrifices, and electoral representation.
Posted by: Fortunate Son at March 01, 2010 11:09 AM (ssWVX)
Posted by: ThackerAgency at March 01, 2010 11:10 AM (HhRUR)
Posted by: Joanna at March 01, 2010 11:10 AM (7+WuG)
Posted by: kev at March 01, 2010 11:10 AM (TKWiY)
Posted by: exception at March 01, 2010 11:10 AM (o5wq5)
Posted by: Dirk Diggler at March 01, 2010 11:10 AM (jmf9+)
8 I wonder why he didn't win in MN. It appears that they will elkect anybody who is suitably weird.
He likes the 1st Amendment. Enuff' said.
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:11 AM (9hSKh)
It appears that expressing a love for the US Constitution is a disqualifier in MN.
This Country was founded on religious rights and freedoms. This is guaranteed under the 1st Amendment of our great constitution.
Posted by: IllTemperedCur at March 01, 2010 11:11 AM (I/MqP)
Posted by: Unclefacts, Summoner of Meteors, and buckets of scorn for the left at March 01, 2010 11:12 AM (erIg9)
Posted by: johnny_p at March 01, 2010 11:12 AM (ldoxy)
22 Remove the Grecian formula and the guy kinda looks like a certain pony-tailed blogger.
Dirk, isn't that ponytailed guy 'bout 100 pounds above fat boy these days?
Posted by: maddogg at March 01, 2010 11:12 AM (OlN4e)
Posted by: Chi-Town Jerry at March 01, 2010 11:12 AM (f9c2L)
25 from new jersey, that explains a lot.
There's a T-shirt saying: "Jersey girls aren't trash. Trash gets picked up!"
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:13 AM (9hSKh)
Tried to summon up some landscaping for that cracker box house of his and up popped a cock-eyed fat chick.
Dude's got no summoning skillz.
Posted by: Dang at March 01, 2010 11:13 AM (UA4gE)
Am I the only one that thinks Predator strikes should be expanded?
To say, wherever this douchebag is. "Lord Ares"--what the fuckity fuck?
However, that is one bitchin' bathmat to wrap one's self in...
Posted by: Circa (Insert Year Here) at March 01, 2010 11:13 AM (B+qrE)
Does this mean that we can expect chaos sooner? I'd like to know so I can stock up on canned tuna and top ramen.
Posted by: IllTemperedCur at March 01, 2010 11:13 AM (I/MqP)
Is there a video of the vampyre wedding? How exactly does that work?
At any rate, I don't see rings, cake, and bouquets playing any role in the ceremony.
Posted by: Fritz at March 01, 2010 11:14 AM (GwPRU)
Posted by: fartbubble at March 01, 2010 11:14 AM (gAmQ1)
FIFY
Posted by: pinche migra at March 01, 2010 11:14 AM (E3SK8)
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:14 AM (9hSKh)
Posted by: someone out there at March 01, 2010 11:15 AM (CZB4k)
16 year old is age of consent for marriage in my state. I know it is 14 in some.
My experience shows that it's up to the parents whether it's a criminal offense. If the parents are okay with their little princess being a ho, nothing is done. But if the parents have some kind of standards, then the offending male is dead meat. Unless he's got high-places kinfolk. Or he's a minority.
Posted by: katya at March 01, 2010 11:16 AM (ag+rI)
#32 To say, wherever this douchebag is. "Lord Ares"--what the fuckity fuck?
Lord Ares is dead, Jonathan. He was stabbed with the Blade of the Gods in GoW1. Didn't you get the memo?
/Lord Ares' corpse may be featured in GoW3.
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:16 AM (9hSKh)
Posted by: tangonine at March 01, 2010 11:16 AM (C8Pcc)
Posted by: lowell at March 01, 2010 11:17 AM (grH7t)
Posted by: maddogg at March 01, 2010 11:17 AM (OlN4e)
Yeah, looks like he avoids the Mann Act by hiding with her in Minnesota instead of taking her back to Jersey.
Posted by: HeatherRadish at March 01, 2010 11:17 AM (mR7mk)
I wonder if he believes this nonsense... some people who reject religion could do the sensible thing and become atheist or agnostic, but no, it's vampires, witches, celtic knots, and Goddess Hecate for this loony.
But it also looks like his whole getup is used for laying pipe in gothopotamus teenagers. Maybe that explains it.
Posted by: fb at March 01, 2010 11:17 AM (G60Nl)
You know the pay-per-view would be astronomical!
Posted by: Iblis at March 01, 2010 11:17 AM (9221z)
Posted by: lorien1973 at March 01, 2010 11:17 AM (IhQuA)
#33 Does this mean that we can expect chaos sooner? I'd like to know so I can stock up on canned tuna and top ramen.
The rise of chaos is immient. I'd stock up on as much as you can, especially before March 16th.
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:18 AM (9hSKh)
Is there a video of the vampyre wedding? How exactly does that work?
At any rate, I don't see rings, cake, and bouquets playing any role in the ceremony.
Sure there will be. The rings will have some kind of celtic/peagan symbol, the cake will be baked with blood and festooned with skulls and the bouquet will be black roses.
Posted by: katya at March 01, 2010 11:18 AM (ag+rI)
On topic: I'd like to see this guy in an actual physical fight with Al Franken. Put it on pay-per-view.
Posted by: Ian S. at March 01, 2010 11:18 AM (p05LM)
Posted by: IllTemperedCur at March 01, 2010 11:18 AM (I/MqP)
Posted by: Iblis at March 01, 2010 11:18 AM (9221z)
Trying not to laugh at this. After all, the poor, obviously troubled girl is a minor.
But this paragraph gave me the giggles: "I am arriving in Minneapolis tomorrow. I would have stated to all women of Minnesota: Cover your necks with garlic. However, the only neck my fangs will be in is Paige's neck. Otherwise, she will make me a toothless vampyre! 
," wrote Sharkey, who is the first vampire in history to use emoticons.
Posted by: laceyunderalls at March 01, 2010 11:18 AM (pLTLS)
Posted by: kansas at March 01, 2010 11:18 AM (mka2b)
Everyone knows that if you want an offer from Salem you have do all gay posts all the time. (Link to Hot Air).
Posted by: Gabriel Malor at March 01, 2010 11:18 AM (Mi2wf)
Posted by: taylork at March 01, 2010 11:18 AM (0Hn5w)
Posted by: ace at March 01, 2010 11:19 AM (jlvw3)
What a dickhole. My fervent hope is that Epic Beard Guy is on that Greyhound and issues a beating.
Posted by: real joe at March 01, 2010 11:19 AM (YpKIQ)
/goes to find glasses.
Posted by: tangonine at March 01, 2010 11:20 AM (C8Pcc)
16 year old is age of consent for marriage in my state. I know it is 14 in some.
My experience shows that it's up to the parents whether it's a criminal offense. If the parents are okay with their little princess being a ho, nothing is done.Giving permission for a daughter to marry is "okay with their little princess being a ho"? That's not the definition of "ho" I'm familiar with...
Posted by: HeatherRadish at March 01, 2010 11:20 AM (mR7mk)
Posted by: John Galt at March 01, 2010 11:20 AM (F/4zf)
Posted by: Ian S. at March 01, 2010 03:18 PM (p05LM)
Don't know how much it was omitted since it's the top headline on Drudge. With a picture of Bambi drinking a beer.
Posted by: Tami at March 01, 2010 11:21 AM (VuLos)
Heh heh - let's hope this puke runs again - and many more like him. He probably took about 5 - 10 percent of the Liberal vote away from the Democrat.
Though in seriousness I sorta pity this dirt bag. He's going to have a rude shock coming for him in the next life.
Posted by: Reactionary at March 01, 2010 11:22 AM (4nbyM)
maddogg,
Dirk, isn't that ponytailed guy 'bout 100 pounds above fat boy these days?
CJ's got a weight problem? That's news to me.
Posted by: Dirk Diggler at March 01, 2010 11:22 AM (jmf9+)
Results for Paige Brewer may contain adult-oriented content.Your SafeSearch filter must be turned off to display these results.
Posted by: CUS at March 01, 2010 11:22 AM (wOGfT)
Giving permission for a daughter to marry is "okay with their little princess being a ho"? That's not the definition of "ho" I'm familiar with...
I'm talking about adult men having sex with minor girls.
Posted by: katya at March 01, 2010 11:22 AM (ag+rI)
Posted by: Unclefacts, Summoner of Meteors, and buckets of scorn for the left at March 01, 2010 11:23 AM (erIg9)
73 This is 'Twilight' in real life, and it's very, very ugly.
I wouldn't go as far as to say it's "Twilight". Now if Jonathan had plastered himself with glittery body paint...
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:23 AM (9hSKh)
Oh, & I saw that, ITC.
But this is real life we're talking about here. Posted by: Miss'80sBaby at March 01, 2010 11:23 AM (sZ+lP)
If only. I would totally watch the Twilight movies with my wife if they actually used authentic vampires.
Posted by: Dave R at March 01, 2010 11:23 AM (53crM)
Posted by: tangonine at March 01, 2010 11:23 AM (C8Pcc)
Posted by: ATaLien at March 01, 2010 11:23 AM (SkRi5)
#71 Though in seriousness I sorta pity this dirt bag. He's going to have a rude shock coming for him in the next life.
Maybe not. I think Jonathan's soul is so pathetic that even Lord Hades and Miss'80sbaby won't bother to torture it.
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:24 AM (9hSKh)
Posted by: Sgt. Fury at March 01, 2010 11:24 AM (XpWHj)
Posted by: MikeTheMoose at March 01, 2010 11:24 AM (0q2P7)
Hey, what's a little ribbing among friends?
Posted by: IllTemperedCur at March 01, 2010 11:25 AM (I/MqP)
A truism: Nothing says "fucking douche bag" like a grown man in a ponytail."
Posted by: angler at March 01, 2010 11:26 AM (SwjAj)
So what exactly caused said liver to give up on management and go on independent ops?
Posted by: MikeTheMoose at March 01, 2010 11:26 AM (0q2P7)
Posted by: katya at March 01, 2010 11:27 AM (ag+rI)
Posted by: Curmudgeon at March 01, 2010 11:27 AM (ujg0T)
#88 Hey, what's a little ribbing among friends?
Dude, if you want to befriend a soul-stealing consort of the ruler of Hades, that's your business, but don't complain when your soul ends up on a pike within a dark pit in Tartarus.
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:27 AM (9hSKh)
So when you add the novelty sword and area rug where does that get you?
Posted by: MikeTheMoose at March 01, 2010 11:28 AM (0q2P7)
Too true, ITC, too true. I just felt it needed saying.
Posted by: Miss'80sBaby at March 01, 2010 11:29 AM (sZ+lP)
(Yes, I've read them all. Yes, I'm ashamed of myself. Alice remains all the awesome.)
Posted by: alexthechick at March 01, 2010 11:29 AM (8WZWv)
Posted by: conscious and main lining Vanilla Coke at March 01, 2010 11:29 AM (Vu6sl)
Posted by: Gmac at March 01, 2010 11:30 AM (k2Fyd)
94 Blood must be very fattening.
I think it depends where you extract it from. I dunno where Lacey and Rum get their blood from, but they keep in good shape (I think).
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:30 AM (9hSKh)
Posted by: CM at March 01, 2010 11:30 AM (f14vX)
This is 'Twilight' in real life, and it's very, very ugly.
Posted by: Dang Straights at March 01, 2010 03:22 PM (fx8sm)
this guy afraid of the vajayjay too?
Posted by: Unclefacts, Summoner of Meteors, and buckets of scorn for the left at March 01, 2010 11:30 AM (erIg9)
I just looked up "Sanguinarian," and it turns out its derived from the Latin, meaning "dressing in cheap throw rugs and waving a plastic sword."
You just made my day, ace.
Posted by: Emily M. at March 01, 2010 11:31 AM (SaGHc)
Checking the age of consent laws in both States it looks like he didn't break any laws. Both NJ and MN have 16 as the break point.
BTW, those States that have 14 or 15 as an "age of consent" require parental permission to marry. Running off with a girl that age to "get married" will still get you in jail in those States. And, in most of those States the juries treat people like this one "harshly".
Posted by: Vic at March 01, 2010 11:31 AM (QrA9E)
I am now typing this on a braille keyboard...
There is a photo on the Drudge Report of Rahmbo whispering sexy-talk in Nancy Pelosi's ear. She has a look of *gulp* lust *shudder* on what passes for her "face".
Posted by: Phil Jones at March 01, 2010 11:31 AM (apMa4)
You know...I was picturing that 16 year old chick as a younger version of Kate Beckinsale or even Kirsten Dunst.
And then you had to show me the real pic.
...
Posted by: EC at March 01, 2010 11:31 AM (mAhn3)
Posted by: NotAMolly at March 01, 2010 11:31 AM (ADJFU)
#89 A truism: Nothing says "fucking douche bag" like a grown man in a ponytail."
I resent that!
Posted by: Steven Seagal at March 01, 2010 03:28 PM (9hSKh)
me too!
Posted by: Willie Nelson at March 01, 2010 11:31 AM (Vu6sl)
It gets you:
Steven Seagal in:
U N H O L Y
B L A D E
Posted by: angler at March 01, 2010 11:31 AM (SwjAj)
It's been a while since I read Dracula, but do vampire powers also include jumbo foreheads? God, you could recreate the Sistine Chapel on that dude's front dome.
A meeting should be arranged between this guy and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Followed by another meeting between this guy and An Outlaws Motorcycle Club chapter
Posted by: UGAdawg at March 01, 2010 11:32 AM (q3Oy6)
Posted by: gus at March 01, 2010 11:32 AM (Vqruj)
#106 this guy afraid of the vajayjay too?
I don't think so, unless he's afraid of older vajayjays. I know that there are functional couples that have a large age gap, but I dunno if Jonathan and Paige's "union" can be classifed as "functional".
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:33 AM (9hSKh)
Posted by: Cicero at March 01, 2010 03:32 PM (QKKT0)
uh, that's ok
Posted by: Stevie Nicks at March 01, 2010 11:33 AM (erIg9)
Man I know the state has a few screws let off to less than minimum torque, and indications clearly out of calibration, but I would never suggest they were so far off as to elect....that....whatever it is.
Posted by: MikeTheMoose at March 01, 2010 11:33 AM (0q2P7)
#106 this guy afraid of the vajayjay too?
I don't think so, unless he's afraid of older vajayjays. I know that there are functional couples that have a large age gap, but I dunno if Jonathan and Paige's "union" can be classifed as "functional".
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01,
2010 03:33 PM (9hSKh)
Isn't Joe Biden considered "functional" too?
Posted by: Unclefacts, Summoner of Meteors, and buckets of scorn for the left at March 01, 2010 11:34 AM (erIg9)
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:34 AM (9hSKh)
Posted by: inquiring moron needs to know at March 01, 2010 11:34 AM (Vu6sl)
Posted by: Willie Nelson at March 01, 2010 03:31 PM (Vu6sl)
Willie gets a dispensation because he is Willie.
As do members of Lynyrd Skynyrd, ZZ Top and that dude from the Oak Ridge Boys.
Posted by: Circa (Insert Year Here) at March 01, 2010 11:34 AM (B+qrE)
Posted by: shibumi at March 01, 2010 11:34 AM (OKZrE)
"Hey, what's a little ribbing among friends? "
As long as ribbing doesn't mean boning (ribs - cartilaginous bones), and it's not a caudal approach.
Posted by: The Chicken at March 01, 2010 11:35 AM (ucq49)
Yeah, she definitely looks like she has a little moisture between the thighs there.
Posted by: taylork at March 01, 2010 11:35 AM (0Hn5w)
A truism: Nothing says "fucking douche bag" like a grown man in a ponytail."
There's a guy in my church with a long ponytail. Nice guy, built like a linebacker with four strapping boys. He helps his wife take care of the babies but is, in no way, whipped.
Posted by: katya at March 01, 2010 11:36 AM (ag+rI)
Posted by: Tami at March 01, 2010 03:34 PM (VuLos)
Lame Dicked Dumbass Dude
Posted by: conscious with an IV of Mountain Dew at March 01, 2010 11:36 AM (Vu6sl)
#129 Yeah, she definitely looks like she has a little moisture between the thighs there.
*shudders*.
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:36 AM (9hSKh)
Posted by: cahrles johnson at March 01, 2010 11:36 AM (OKZrE)
this guy afraid of the vajayjay too?
I'd say he's terrified of a grown-up vajayjay. Hence the child molestation.
Posted by: Dang Straights at March 01, 2010 11:37 AM (fx8sm)
Posted by: Nancey Pelos's thigh moisture at March 01, 2010 11:37 AM (0Hn5w)
Posted by: Cicero at March 01, 2010 11:38 AM (QKKT0)
Funny stuff, all of it. The cool facts. Ha!
Posted by: rdbrewer at March 01, 2010 11:38 AM (hKifX)
Cool. Where these VAMPIRE sites. I mean I could use a wire of 2. And 16 plus 16 is 32.
Posted by: gus at March 01, 2010 11:38 AM (Vqruj)
Posted by: Llord Master Blutarsky at March 01, 2010 11:39 AM (QKKT0)
"On Valentine's Day he flew in from New Jersey to pick her up."
Imagine if you were the person stuck on the plane next to this guy. That's gotta be, what, a three-hour flight? What if you were the flight attendant?
"Can I interest you in a drink, sir?"
"I REQUIRE THE BLOOD OF VIRGIN FLESH, UNSULLIED BY THE KISS OF SUNLIGHT!"
"Sir, do I need to go have words with the air marshall again?"
"...forget it. I've got a Yoo-Hoo in my carry-on..."
Posted by: reason at March 01, 2010 11:39 AM (kZVsz)
Yeah, she definitely looks like she has a little moisture between the thighs there.
Posted by: taylork
at March 01, 2010 03:35 PM (0Hn5w)
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. yep, thanks jackass
Posted by: Unclefacts, Summoner of Meteors, and buckets of scorn for the left at March 01, 2010 11:39 AM (erIg9)
I like to think of it as her "other" expression.
Thanks to mr. botchalism TOXIN, she has two:
-bulging eye blinky face (seen 99.8% of the time)
-wide thin mouth face
Posted by: shibumi at March 01, 2010 11:39 AM (OKZrE)
Are you sure the one with the sword is a dude? I mean, it could be a really ugly lesbian, right?
No. Any self-respecting goth vampire lesbian wears makeup.
Posted by: katya at March 01, 2010 11:40 AM (ag+rI)
Posted by: Vile Roman at March 01, 2010 11:40 AM (iBzKc)
Posted by: Unclefacts, Summoner of Meteors, and buckets of scorn for the left at March 01, 2010 11:41 AM (erIg9)
#142 "Can I interest you in a drink, sir ma'am?"
"I REQUIRE THE BLOOD OF VIRGIN FLESH, UNSULLIED BY THE KISS OF SUNLIGHT!"
This must be how Lacey answers that question whenever she flies.
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:42 AM (9hSKh)
Posted by: T at March 01, 2010 11:43 AM (z9Awt)
Posted by: Guy Fawkes at March 01, 2010 11:43 AM (cpuvG)
Posted by: Pat at March 01, 2010 11:44 AM (6L8wk)
Posted by: SATAN at March 01, 2010 11:44 AM (0FiCa)
Posted by: DelD at March 01, 2010 11:44 AM (eWtdM)
Posted by: Nancey Pelos's thigh moisture at March 01, 2010 11:44 AM (0Hn5w)
Posted by: The Chicken at March 01, 2010 11:45 AM (IhQuA)
Not only some major wu-shu skillz, but some powers of mind-clouding.
Quick, somebody call Diamond Dave to git over there and lay down some real Ninjy Whompin' Action TM
Posted by: Arbalest at March 01, 2010 11:45 AM (BqSr3)
161 The Impaler may have an appreciation of the 1st Ammendment, but the line "When I am sworn in as governor you will bow down before me as slaves," suggests that he might hold some expansive positions about the power of the executive branch.
Kind of like Brain telling Pinky that when Brain is established as dictator, the people will be allowed some democratic institutions.
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:46 AM (9hSKh)
My Magickal Path Name is...Lord Kratos!
I am too afraid that mine would come up "Joe Biden" or "Fred Barnes."
Nope--not taking the risk.
Posted by: Circa (Insert Year Here) at March 01, 2010 11:46 AM (B+qrE)
Posted by: Banned from LGF at March 01, 2010 11:46 AM (2jp4I)
Yeah, she definitely looks like she has a little moisture between the thighs there.
Posted by: taylork at March 01, 2010 03:35 PM (0Hn5w)
Here's even a better picture of the two of them together:
Posted by: conscious with an IV of Mountain Dew at March 01, 2010 11:47 AM (Vu6sl)
"Yeah, she definitely looks like she has a little moisture between the thighs there. "
OK, asshats! I never said I was 100% effective.
Posted by: Depends at March 01, 2010 11:47 AM (ucq49)
Posted by: Vile Roman at March 01, 2010 11:47 AM (iBzKc)
My name is Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, Ph.D., L.D.D.D. I am a Satanic Dark Priest, Sanguinarian Vampyre and a Hecate Witch.
Translation: I live in my mom and dad's basement and I work for a 7-11, where I'm completely unappreciated for my genius but at least they let me wear all my peircings to work.
My Magikal Path name is: Lord Ares.
My Magikal Path name is "Skippy, the wonder poodle". I wanted Lord Ares but somebody already registered that one so I was kind of stuck, and Ares90322356 Just didn't have quite the right ring to it.
I despise and hate the Christian God the Father. He is my enemy.
I'm sure that terrifies Him beyond belief. After all, if I were the creator of the entire universe I would get mighty worried about some pasty face loud mouth wearing an imitation persian rug and waving a cheap stainless steel reproduction sword above is head suddenly declared himself my enemy.
This is guaranteed under the 1st Amendment of our great constitution. This right allows me to worship Lucifer and the Goddess Hecate, just as it allows you to worship the Goddess/God of your choice.
Mighty nice of you there Skippy. But more to the point, the First Amendment also gives me the right to mention in a public forum that you are, without a doubt, nuts. Completely and totally off your rocker. A few bricks shy of a full load. The lights are on but nobodies home. Your elevator definately doesn't go all the way to the top floor. My, isn't America a wonderful country?
So yes, you do have a constitutionally protect right to be a complete an utter moron. You do not, however, have a constitutionally protect right to prey on vunerable teenage girls even if they, too, happen to be morons.
So I hope you saved that throw rug you were wearing in your self portrait their skippy, it will make a really nice addition to your cell once the law catches up with your sorry ass.
Posted by: Redneck Klingon at March 01, 2010 11:47 AM (e8T35)
Posted by: ExurbanKevin at March 01, 2010 11:47 AM (a/Ojb)
Posted by: Waterhouse Waetyrhoos at March 01, 2010 11:49 AM (bbn3s)
Here's even a better picture of the two of them together:
Posted by: conscious with an IV of Mountain Dew at March 01, 2010 03:47
PM (Vu6sl)
yeah, so much for lunch.
Posted by: Unclefacts, Summoner of Meteors, and buckets of scorn for the left at March 01, 2010 11:49 AM (erIg9)
176 That carpet robe is definitely slimming; I never would have thought that was the same guy as the pasty fat f*ck with shitty tattoos in the YouTube video.
The camera always adds several hundred pounds.
Posted by: Stoner Dudes from Tommy Boy at March 01, 2010 11:50 AM (9hSKh)
I just happen to be listening to Fuel's "Won't Back Down" while reading this. I got to the picture of the girl and Brett sang the line, "I've come to bring you hell."
Freaky.
Posted by: Elizabetty at March 01, 2010 11:50 AM (00h26)
"When I found out my Magikal name was Pounded Ass, I knew life was gonna suck."
I own you bitch!
OK, I used to. Until the Dims started strated replicating like viuses and mold.
Posted by: The Rooster at March 01, 2010 11:50 AM (ucq49)
"Lame Dicked Dumbass Dude"
Is lame, the same as limp? "... and I resemble this message"
Posted by: typical Dim male at March 01, 2010 03:44 PM (ucq49)
Damn! I should have used limp. That would have been much better.
Posted by: conscious with an IV of Mountain Dew at March 01, 2010 11:51 AM (Vu6sl)
#178 My eyes, my eyes! Daym yu Vyc!
Posted by: Stoner Dudes from Tommy Boy at March 01, 2010 11:51 AM (9hSKh)
More up to date picture of this idiot. He is even uglier now.
Posted by: Vic at March 01, 2010 03:50 PM (QrA9E)
so he went from being nuts, to being really fat and nuts.
Posted by: Unclefacts, Summoner of Meteors, and buckets of scorn for the left at March 01, 2010 11:51 AM (erIg9)
Posted by: Vile Roman at March 01, 2010 11:51 AM (iBzKc)
#185 so he went from being nuts, to being really fat and nuts.
There is a continuum.
/Not saying it applies to me.
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 11:52 AM (9hSKh)
apparently being an insane, child molesting, LARPing whackjob from jersey is his strength.
Posted by: Unclefacts, Summoner of Meteors, and buckets of scorn for the left at March 01, 2010 11:54 AM (erIg9)
Posted by: Vic at March 01, 2010 11:54 AM (QrA9E)
#185 so he went from being nuts, to being really fat and nuts.
There is a continuum.
/Not saying it applies to me.
Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at March 01, 2010 03:52 PM (9hSKh)
You can't change the inevitable...
Posted by: conscious with an IV of Mountain Dew at March 01, 2010 11:55 AM (Vu6sl)
Why am I positive "The Impaler's" story is bound to end with the phrase: "...shot dead by local police responding to a 9-1-1 call made by a frantic sixteen year old girl who claimed he'd bitten her and held her a sword to her throat."
I'd call this guy a freak but that would insult freaks.
This is especially troubling because of it's inevitable association to role playing games that will be made when he loses his last marble and does something that gets someone hurt or worse.
This guy looks like a LARPer.
They always point to the LARPers when trying to make the rest of us out to be crazies.
Stupid LARPer...
Posted by: SuperCool at March 01, 2010 11:55 AM (DRsTV)
More up to date picture of this idiot. He is even uglier now.
Posted by: Vic at March 01, 2010 03:50 PM (QrA9E)
Now I'm going to have to gouge my eyes out.
Posted by: WalrusRex at March 01, 2010 11:56 AM (xxgag)
There is a photo on the Drudge Report of Rahmbo whispering sexy-talk in Nancy Pelosi's ear.
Chalk, one more confirmed accomplishment, for RahME – necrophilia.
Posted by: Keepin Score at March 01, 2010 11:56 AM (ucq49)
There is a photo on the Drudge Report of Rahmbo whispering sexy-talk in Nancy Pelosi's ear.
Gaahhhhh! Looks like they're doing a little grinding, too.
Posted by: Dang Straights at March 01, 2010 11:57 AM (fx8sm)
Posted by: maddogg at March 01, 2010 11:58 AM (OlN4e)
VJJ his age knows what is good and what isn't.
I guess he's afraid of her realizing that he's a pretty lackluster "performance."
My suggestion - dude, seriously rethink your outlet for "compensating." Convertibles and/or jetskis work a lot better. Also, pretending like you know a lot about wine or beer. Go clean up, and spend a few weeks Wiki'ing "tannins" and what an "earthy nose" means. I'm sure you could probably find a mostly-working Miata on Craig's List. If you kept the receipt, zip your clothes back up into their "bed in a bag" container and return them to Target.
Posted by: reesonne at March 01, 2010 11:58 AM (kZVsz)
Posted by: Assman at March 01, 2010 11:58 AM (HfA9V)
Posted by: mesablue at March 01, 2010 11:58 AM (jc7YC)
Posted by: kathysaysso at March 01, 2010 03:56 PM (ZtwUX)
"did your mother lay out those panties for you?"
Posted by: Unclefacts, Summoner of Meteors, and buckets of scorn for the left at March 01, 2010 11:58 AM (erIg9)
Damn. You sell your soul to the devil and ya can't win a governors race for a shitty state, you live in a run down shack and your lady looks like a white version of Re-run from TVs "What's Happening?". Where's the pay off? Can he at least play guitar, like, really good?
Posted by: Dang at March 01, 2010 11:59 AM (UA4gE)
I always wondered what a Cutlery-Corner-3:00 a.m.-dragon-sword-buyer might look like.
Notice the second sword on the down-low.... I think he's trying to tell us something.
Posted by: eleven at March 01, 2010 11:59 AM (7DB+a)
Posted by: bebe's boobs destroy at March 01, 2010 11:59 AM (cniXs)
I eat a lot of garlic and Italian food. There's a reason that vampire legends die out when you go south of the Alps.
Posted by: IllTemperedCur at March 01, 2010 12:01 PM (I/MqP)
There is a photo on the Drudge Report of Rahmbo whispering sexy-talk in Nancy Pelosi's ear.
"You gonna pass that bill? Or do I have to smack dat ass? Ooh, you like dat?!"
Posted by: Dang at March 01, 2010 12:02 PM (UA4gE)
Posted by: Mudshark at March 01, 2010 12:03 PM (11AAY)
Posted by: Assman at March 01, 2010 12:03 PM (HfA9V)
Posted by: MikeTheMoose
He didn't even nudge my creepometer.
Now, my "bathos-ometer"? That, he pegged.
"Hi, I'm the lord high executioner Billy", as one friend of mine used to describe certain people met at parties during the brief fashion for B&D in the 90s.
Posted by: Dianna at March 01, 2010 12:04 PM (qrFCz)
Posted by: maddogg at March 01, 2010 12:05 PM (OlN4e)
He probably has a scythe hanging up in the garage so he can't use the "I don't have the tools" excuse.
Posted by: IllTemperedCur at March 01, 2010 12:05 PM (I/MqP)
The Magykal Spelling Fun is hilarious, but this
uh, that's ok
from Stevie Nicks just cracked my ass right up.
Posted by: spongeworthy at March 01, 2010 12:07 PM (rplL3)
Except when I set up a meeting in a park with the police, then yeah, I will be caught, but that doesn't count cause they tricked me and vampire rules say no tricks.
Posted by: Jon "the chubby chaser" Sharkey at March 01, 2010 12:07 PM (cpuvG)
He reminds me of a blind date I was on once.
The "friend" that set us up? I never spoke to her again.
Then again, I don't dig Vampyres who kant dreess gud.
Posted by: Biblio at March 01, 2010 12:09 PM (y5VNb)
Posted by: Satan at March 01, 2010 12:10 PM (QKKT0)
"He could learn a thing or two about lawn care."
Seriously, yard maintenance could be accomplished within the proper context. He's simply not using his imagination.
TREMBLE BEFORE THE SUPREME DARK BLADE OF TORO WHICH I WIELD, YOU KNAVES OF ST. AUGUSTINE!!1!
Posted by: reesonne at March 01, 2010 12:10 PM (kZVsz)
Actually, I'm eyeing my living room's area rug. I think it could work. I've never had a cloak.
It has gravitas.
I'll swing by the high school and see what the chicks think.
Posted by: jcjimi at March 01, 2010 12:11 PM (NEj2I)
"There are some souls that we put directly up for auction."
If Kate Beckinsale is one of them, then I'm in. Is Bid Sis watching? Then see my double cut-out agent.
Posted by: Lovin' Vampire Wymins at March 01, 2010 12:12 PM (ucq49)
Posted by: YllTemperedCur at March 01, 2010 12:13 PM (I/MqP)
Make sure you do it driving a 1970's muscle car. With primer splotches all over it. Blasting Motley Crue from the speakers.
Posted by: Vile Roman at March 01, 2010 12:13 PM (iBzKc)
Posted by: dananjcon at March 01, 2010 12:13 PM (pr+up)
Posted by: dagny at March 01, 2010 12:14 PM (VqDb7)
Posted by: YllTemperedKur at March 01, 2010 12:14 PM (I/MqP)
Posted by: Deathknyte at March 01, 2010 12:16 PM (wHUVp)
Posted by: bebe's boobs destroy at March 01, 2010 12:16 PM (cniXs)
I am sure that when the police set up that "meeting" where the got the girl back the radio was full of the 5150 code being used.
Rotfl - The guy apparently never poses for a picture without half a dozen bladed weapons on him and then gets huffy that the cops actually have the good sense to show up in force?
I would think being an immortal dark lord vampire and witch known as the Impaler you'd just sort of come to expect that sort of thing. Especially after declaring war on God. Guess he talks a good game about going to war with God, but when an actual cop shows up he starts peeing his pants. Typical.
(Subject note to those unfamilar with code 5150, it's used for involuntary psych holds)
Damn. You sell your soul to the devil and ya can't win a governors race for a shitty state,
Guess not.. but much like lets make a deal you go home with a nice area rug as a consolation prize I guess.
Posted by: Redneck Klingon at March 01, 2010 12:16 PM (e8T35)
"Actually, I'm eyeing my living room's area rug. I think it could work. I've never had a cloak."
Is it a shag rug? It'd work better.
Posted by: The 70s at March 01, 2010 12:17 PM (ucq49)
Ullternayte spellyngs is sumwhate of an akwyered art, EelTempyrredKyrr...
Posted by: reesonne at March 01, 2010 12:20 PM (kZVsz)
Ullternayte spellyngs is sumwhate of an akwyered art, EelTempyrredKyrr...
Reesonne, the Irish have us all beat.
Posted by: Dianna at March 01, 2010 12:22 PM (qrFCz)
Posted by: Lance Wilson at March 01, 2010 12:25 PM (Ed9Xn)
@232
Shucks, ma'am, twant nuttin. Geez, jus what we do here, at AoSHQ.
Could I offer my services. To look over you. In your times of need. Vulnerable. Trust me. I'll make sure, no one violates you, while you're sleeping.
Posted by: Concerned Denizen at March 01, 2010 12:26 PM (ucq49)
Posted by: TheQuietMan at March 01, 2010 12:26 PM (1Jaio)
Dye thinning hair jet black + overweight + wear beach towel as some sort of cape + pretend that your a vampyre = chick magnet!
Yet still better than Franken...
Posted by: dagny at March 01, 2010 12:28 PM (VqDb7)
Posted by: looking closely at March 01, 2010 04:28 PM (6Q9g2)
The University of Magikal stuff & Vampyres
Posted by: TheQuietMan at March 01, 2010 12:31 PM (1Jaio)
"Who the f@$k gave this guy a PhD?"
Fuck you, dipstick. How dare you question what we decide is the best for you?
He's another one of "ours"
Posted by: Dr Amy "typical Democrat" Bishop at March 01, 2010 12:31 PM (ucq49)
Posted by: Bram Stoker at March 01, 2010 12:34 PM (Ed9Xn)
Posted by: Alfred Thayer Mahan's Liver at March 01, 2010 12:35 PM (t9pKb)
Posted by: looking closely at March 01, 2010 04:28 PM (6Q9g2)
The University of Magikal stuff & Vampyres
UC Santa Cruz?
Posted by: Alfred Thayer Mahan's Liver at March 01, 2010 12:35 PM (t9pKb)
In college we had a bunch of "vampyres" running around. One actually bit someone. As a harmless group of RPG players, we decided these assholes (art students, one and all) would end up giving US a bad name, so we took matters into our own hands.
One naked "vampyre" duct-taped to the statue in the middle of campus, and the problem magically ceased to exist.
It's pretty fucking bad when D&D players and average LARPers are far more sane and mainstream. It's even worse that we kicked his ass.
Posted by: grognard at March 01, 2010 12:35 PM (v0kvW)
"Who the f@$k gave this guy a PhD?"
I'm pretty sure you can still basically buy one off the Internet. There are places that will "ordain" you as a minister of any "religion" you specify, too.
It's like buying impressive-looking paper and spending an hour at Kinkos, except you're paying someone else to be the loser actually interfacing with the Reprographic Technician behind the counter.
Posted by: reesonne at March 01, 2010 12:40 PM (+hPIb)
Posted by: Reactionary at March 01, 2010 12:41 PM (4nbyM)
Posted by: grognard at March 01, 2010 04:35 PM (v0kvW)
Twas a fine jape, grognard! You did the world a valuable service.
Posted by: Reactionary at March 01, 2010 12:42 PM (4nbyM)
In the video that was posted the vampyre lord claimed that when he became governor he would also become ruler of the viking state and make people his slaves. That's a hell of a campaign slogan. How did he not win the election?
Vote for me your vampyre lord and become my slaves for life.
Posted by: TheQuietMan at March 01, 2010 12:44 PM (1Jaio)
In Soviet Grognard, initiative rolls YOU!
Posted by: Yakov Smirnov at March 01, 2010 12:45 PM (+hPIb)
Posted by: SGT Dan at March 01, 2010 12:50 PM (GgXZc)
Posted by: ChicagoJedi at March 01, 2010 12:54 PM (WZFkG)
Posted by: Victis at March 01, 2010 12:55 PM (S0IZA)
My Magikal Path name is: Lord Ares.
Oh, shit! That's the name I was using! I better change it fast, before John Sharkey finds out and impales me!
Posted by: JohnW at March 01, 2010 12:56 PM (nc4Yv)
Posted by: Vercingetorix at March 01, 2010 12:57 PM (N8eC4)
Posted by: GarandFan at March 01, 2010 12:58 PM (6mwMs)
Posted by: TheQuietMan at March 01, 2010 01:01 PM (1Jaio)
There's a wikipedia entry on him!
And someone made a documentary about him! I'd stop using exclamation points, but it's JONATHAN FUCKING SHARKEY!!11!!1
Posted by: JohnW at March 01, 2010 01:02 PM (nc4Yv)
I'd like to see him get "impaled" by the boys who got hold of Ned Beatty in "Deliverance". Squeal like a pig, boy!!!
Posted by: Tom Servo at March 01, 2010 01:07 PM (T1boi)
He has proposed impaling "any one found committing an act of terrorism in Minnesota"
Shouldn't he be Jonathon "The Proposed Impaler" since he only proposed to do it but hasn't actually impaled anyone?
Posted by: TheQuietMan at March 01, 2010 01:10 PM (1Jaio)
Posted by: Anony at March 01, 2010 01:13 PM (rW3zM)
My husband and I have worked haunted houses at Halloween for years. Hubby does the F/X make-up and props. Invariably, if there is a "vampire bride" character to be cast, the only chicks who show up for it are the 350 pounders. Costuming them is a nightmare and don't even get me started on the reinforcements for the prop casket....
Judging from the girls headshot, my guess is that she well on her way to being a BVB (behemoth vampire bride).
Just curious on the psychology here, is it low self esteem? Some kind of delusion? Has there EVER been any vampire lore that included 350 pound brides?
Posted by: mpur at March 01, 2010 01:38 PM (7m5P2)
i think this is supposed to be the proposal video. he actually only asks her to be his "valentime", (or maybe that's valentyme) and then asks her to be his girlfriend. but in the description he says he "pops the question" and the date matches what it says in the article.
i really hope this is his proposal. watching this may make me feel a little less pressure to get it right whenever i get around to a marriage proposal. gotta love the beauty and the beast song though.
Posted by: ar46and2 at March 01, 2010 01:42 PM (2ghqI)
Posted by: History's Didn't watch, just caught a few Olympic nuggets at March 01, 2010 02:26 PM (ucq49)
Well, they say honesty is the best policy. I prefer the pirate guy that ran in 2006.
Posted by: Christopher Taylor at March 01, 2010 03:22 PM (PQY7w)
Posting stuff like that is just...wrong.
You are a truly disturbed individual.
Take the article, take the pics and send them to the poor soul's local mental health professionals.
Of course, coming here and actually looking at such posts and pics says something about myself that I find disturbing...
Posted by: Warren Bonesteel at March 01, 2010 03:50 PM (LS0vp)
Posted by: Buffalobob at March 01, 2010 05:32 PM (XjviO)
"I am a Satanic Dark Priest, Sanguinarian Vampyre and a Hecate Witch."
That's like saying you're a Buddhist Pope who moonlights as a Baptist mohel giving circumcisions to Muslim bishops.
Do I have everyone's permission to send my flying monkeys to work on him?
Posted by: Wiccapundit, the Red State Witch at March 01, 2010 06:10 PM (LC73f)
Posted by: Wiccapundit, the Red State Witch at March 01, 2010 06:33 PM (LC73f)
Lord Ares; Enemy of God, friend of the working man.
I'm sold.
Posted by: Robert at March 01, 2010 10:08 PM (4ixH5)
Posted by: CapedConservative at March 02, 2010 04:22 AM (GKZBr)
Posted by: keyboard jockey at March 02, 2010 08:01 AM (YB60l)
Posted by: keyboard jockey at March 02, 2010 08:02 AM (YB60l)
Posted by: Audacity at March 03, 2010 04:57 PM (DQ29K)
train tickets,
life insurance quotes,
health insurance quotes,
train tickets,
dental insurance quotes,
car insurance quotes
Posted by: nmzcvos at June 25, 2010 06:44 AM (FsHwY)
Posted by: nevada dog breeders at September 17, 2010 05:13 AM (NKrDk)
Posted by: Allergy and Immunology at September 18, 2010 04:49 AM (FZ4N1)
Posted by: Find renting computers at September 21, 2010 06:17 AM (26Vp1)
Posted by: antique restoration listings at September 24, 2010 05:53 AM (QmStZ)
Posted by: women health resources at September 27, 2010 04:31 AM (NQCKQ)
Posted by: yeast infection treatments at November 17, 2010 08:02 PM (YeeHg)
Hide Comments | Add Comment | Refresh | Top
64 queries taking 0.2052 seconds, 412 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.
Love the self-pic outside the clapboard house.
Kinda Oswald-esque, don't you think?
Posted by: Michael Rittenhouse at March 01, 2010 11:05 AM (2QFX4)