1

my wife gives me teh sex

married morons will understand

2

sock failure on a FIRST!!!!!!

fml

3 We do the (almost) annual treasure hunt.

It is almost invariably true that someone will find out what gift they will be getting, so, since it won't be a surprise, we don't actually put it under the tree.  We, instead, put a box with a clue- which leads to another clue- which leads to another clue- on out until we get bored with it.  The last clue leads to the actual present.

The height of this form of entertainment is to make your clues small "poems" of two - four lines but which don't actually rhyme.

4 no it's not a fail, Joe. it just makes it more IRONIC

5 But the hero/third grader thread was just getting rolling.

6 Posted by: navycopjoe at December 22, 2010 11:43 AM (S9k9+)

But it makes the joke so much more funny.
And, yes, we understand.

7 I like to wrap up something like a Nintendo Wii box, but when my daughters open it up, it's a framed picture of Dad.

8 My wife goes crazy for Christmas.  While I share her love of the holiday, she beats me out in zeal.  She needed the tree up and decorated on Black Friday, so I tell her to knock herself out.  The first year we were married, she put up the tree and the ornaments while I played PlayStation.

We've done the same thing for 13 years now.  This year, while she was decorating the tree, I was smiting stormtroopers in Force Unleashed II.

9 I take the family downtown and we look for a nice fat hobo to drag home and butcher ourselves.  None of that store-bought shit for us.

10 Two words:  Christmas anal.

11

wiring the tree to the wall before doing anything else. between dogs, cats and kids this is needed. Every place I've lied, I picked a spot, found a wall stud and drove an eyebolt in and left it there.

Last year the damn cat leapt out at midlevel. I had it wired near the top, and the tree stand slid on the wooden floor, so the bottom came forward, not the top. After cleaning up that particular mess, I put in an eyebolt at the botom as well.

 

We also have decorating zones. breakable/edible ornaments are placed at a certain height depending on the age and ability of the current inmates.

12 Does fisting the electorate count as a tradition?

13 We've done the same thing for 13 years now.  This year, while she was decorating the tree, I was smiting stormtroopers in Force Unleashed II.

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at December 22, 2010 11:46 AM (mM7dK)

You're just a hopeless romantic.

14 You're just a hopeless romantic.

Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like hacking through people with a red and green lightsaber.

15 I slow down my son by having everyone takes turns opening one gift at a time.

16 Posted by: The Democrats at December 22, 2010

Out damned sock!

17

One year i bought everyone in my family expensive gifts just to shame them. It was hilarious to me.

I was getting shirts and gift certrificates and they were getting 300 dollar ipods and 300 dollar bottles of wine etc.

You may wonder how that is "getting them", clearly you have no experience with Jewish guilt.

Ah, that  was a great Hannukah..

18 My wife has a roughly 1/32 scale little Christmas scene with a tree and a pond and a bunch of happy skaters and revelers.

Every damn year I half-assedly semi-hide a couple of my old toy soldiers in menacing positions. And every damn year one of our visitors notices it before she does.

This year there's a Soviet with a PPSh-43 and another with a Molotov cocktail, standing bold-as-brass in front of the conifer for the past week with the happy skating family in their sights. She hasn't noticed. 

19

8  ot: damn wyatt, i heard you guys have a serial killer out there

i hope you aren't getting slammed out there and get some time off with your family

20

I love the box in a box in a box thing! There's so much anticipation about the present then. The best part of a gift is opening it, so more layers = more joy!

21

8  ot: damn wyatt, i heard you guys have a serial killer out there

i hope you aren't getting slammed out there and get some time off with your family

Thanks.  I take Christmas week off every year.  With four kids aged 2-9, they never give me an issue taking time.  Homicide, SVU, and the FBI are all trying to catch this toad, but so far, no dice.  It's starting to piss us off.

22 12

Here endeth the thread.

23 Similar to schizuki, we have this ginormous nativity scene from Italy - I mean the thing is HUGE, with like 300 characters, a big wooden manger - it's ornate. Our "tradition" is to position creche characters . . . oddly. When I was growing up, things got quite racy. My mom didn't notice some shepherd lovin one time - until Monsignor came to visit!

24

8  ot: damn wyatt, i heard you guys have a serial killer out there

i hope you aren't getting slammed out there and get some time off with your family

Thanks.  I take Christmas week off every year.  With four kids aged 2-9, they never give me an issue taking time.  Homicide, SVU, and the FBI are all trying to catch this toad, but so far, no dice.  It's starting to piss us off.

Is that the guy in Kensington killing people?

25 I guess it's strange that my family shoot's fireworks on Christmas Eve.  My uncle has taken us (the four cousins) to get fireworks every year that I remember...and four of the five are in our twenties now.  But, he insists, and I like seeing stuff explode.

26

I rape a thirteen year-old in the hot tub at my friends' house. 

Relax.  It's not rape-rape.

 Good Times.

27

wtf, the sock came back!!

fml

28 Is that the guy in Kensington killing people?

Yeah.  Mostly hookers and/or junkies, which is why there are very few witnesses.

29 We've done the same thing for 13 years now.  This year, while she was decorating the tree, I was smiting stormtroopers in Force Unleashed II.

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at December 22, 2010 11:46 AM (mM7dK)

What a catch.

30 21. Wyatt I'm sure this guy has many priors. People aren't freeking out because the dude is targeting whores essentially. So far. He'll slip up, one hopes. Or he'll lie low for a while and then just change his MO, and frankly how will you ever find him? Just another angry dude with a long rap sheet. He's not the Boston Strangler or anything interesting like that.

31 We also do Chinese food for dinner every Christmas Eve.  This way, we're hungry for turkey/ham on Christmas.

32 I rape a thirteen year-old in the hot tub at my friends' house.

Me too!

33 box inside a box inside... is devilish genius. One year I gave a birthday present to a buddy of mine, and the box had a false bottom to it. huge box, filled with styrofoam, and nothing in it. I let everyone else in on the joke, and while he was wtf-ing, we were all laughing our asses off. Not quite as epic as this though... Did something similar to another friend... taped the gift to the top of the box. He pulls the top off and doesnt see it. Digs around in the box and finds a pack of mini condoms that would barely fit a pinky finger. Everyone else sees the present taped to the top but says nothing. hilarity ensues.

34

my wife gives me teh sex

married morons will understand

I've been married 26 years. What's sex?

35 31. We do The Meal of Seven Fishes on Christmas Eve works the same way, since none of us really like any of the damn fishes.

36

21  my crazy sis is on that task force and her xmas vacation is done, she's pissed

i hope they find him feeding maggots, otherwise they may make him the administration's new safe streets czar or some crap

37

Similar to schizuki, we have this ginormous nativity scene from Italy - I mean the thing is HUGE, with like 300 characters, a big wooden manger - it's ornate

 

The Fontanini figures? Those are great. We have a set, and we get trees and accessories and animals for it now. My daughter loves moving things around. I told her about moving he wisemen slowly toward the manger, day by day, and every day she moves them along.

38 works the same way, since none of us really like any of the damn fishes.

Is shrimps one of them?

39

34  I've been married 26 years. What's sex?

this is teh awesome

and people wonder why i take wednesdays off

40  huge box, filled with styrofoam, and nothing in it.

Posted by: A.G. at December 22, 2010 11:59 AM (otjrY)

 

Pranks make the best tradition, but you have to adapt after a while.

Whenever a relative spotted a big box, they KNEW what was happening.

So I checked out ULINE- they sell boxes in increments of literally an inch difference- so I can buy a 2x2, 3x3, 4x4, and so forth and present a relatively small gift...and still zing them.

41 wow Blue Hen YES I think that's what it is. your daughter is so good and sweet! mine has just kept moving the baby Jesus to random odd locations every day. It's like Elf on the Shelf, but with the baby Jesus. I think he's in a bucket now.

42 wow Blue Hen YES I think that's what it is.

your daughter is so good and sweet!

mine has just kept moving the baby Jesus to random odd locations every day. It's like Elf on the Shelf, but with the baby Jesus. I think he's in a bucket now.

Posted by: BlackOrchid

 

We also told them about placing Jesus in the manger on Christmas Eve, just before they go to bed. That's another nice tradition. I told them about the old tale that animals could talk at midnight on Christmas Eve. Both of my kids wanted to talk to the cat! Alas, he didn't let the cat out of the bag.

43

heh

T:  what are you doing?

me: playing on the blogs

T: are you going to get dressed?

me: no

T: what if ali walks in and sees you in your underwear?

me: honey, one look at this and we won't have to worry about dating

T: stunned silence

44

We don't have any truly wacky Christmas traditions in my family, but we do have slightly odd takes on familiar traditions.  For instance, most people watch things like It's a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street every Christmas.  Not so my family.  In my family it's The Muppets Christmas Carol and Ernest Saves Christmas.  It just isn't Christmas without Harmony Star, Joe Carruthers, and Ernest!  

I also never seem to make it through the holiday without watching Die Hard, but I try to be a LITTLE respectful of the season and wait until AFTER Christmas.  It just doesn't seem right to be celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ while watching Bruce Willis choke a guy with a chain.   It's really for more violently festive celebrations, like when Pelosi has to hand over her bigass gavel. 

45 If I give a gift card I get the biggest box I can find and hang the card in the empty space in the center of the box with a bunch of stings coming at in all directions. I don't spend good money on wrapping paper for a box this size so I save several weeks worth of Sunday funnies for the task.

46 My parents used to get hammered while wrapping our presents, so they never put tags on the gifts, and forgot who they were for. Christmas morning they would try to figure out who the gifts were for. Needless to say, my sister opening up my tighty-whities, and me opening up her panties became kinda anti-climatic.

Several years ago my M-I-L decided this would be fun to do. So she gave us presents to open, so we all opened someone else's gift, not knowing the gift wasn't for us. Confusion was everywhere, and MrsCaniac was left with hurt feelings after opening a gift that was a blouse that she had asked for that was meant for her sister in law (that she has a burning hatred of 10,000 suns.)

Good times.

47 46. Okay, Mr Caniac, this one I'm stealing. "I need to be drunk for wrapping, hey it's a TRADITION!"

48 I don't have any, forgive the expression, Chrismas traditions.

49 Every Christmas eve we have a really nice roast...I'm talking the "break the budget" roast, garlic mashed potatoes and asparagus.  Followed by homemade creme brulee.  After dinner we open the presents.  Each year there is one gift of new PJs for everyone.  We don those, go to sleep and wake up to homemade cinnamon rolls and coffee on Christmas morning.....then the extended family comes over.

50 We have a set, and we get trees and accessories and animals for it now. My daughter loves moving things around. I told her about moving he wisemen slowly toward the manger, day by day, and every day she moves them along.

Posted by: Blue Hen at December 22, 2010 12:01 PM (R2fpr)

That is the most adorable thing ever.

51

My parents used to get hammered while wrapping our presents, so they never put tags on the gifts, and forgot who they were for. Christmas morning they would try to figure out who the gifts were for

 

Sadly, my wife and I managed to screw this up three years running and we were sober. She deploys 'santa' wrapping paper for each person, and hates tags. After a frenzied recounting and re-wrapping session, tags have made an appearance. Calm conversation and a TOTAL lack of recrimination is called for in such situations.

52

'Tis a sin to have Christmas traditions, methinketh.

53

"It's a Free Trade Christmas!"

- MST3K 521, Santa Claus

54 what is this Christmas that you speak of?  ...pardon the expression

55 we like to go around and tare down Christmas decorations and fire people that say Merry Chirstmas

56 When I lived back in PA we would turn the television to the New York station and have the Yule Log with music on all night.  As far as I know they still do it.   On Christmas night the Sound Of Music would be on and I would do a puzzle on the dining room table singing (badly) along with the movie.

57

My brother and I will sneak old items from around the house and wrap them.  No one knows if they are geting a real gift or finding that missing pair of shoes that disapeared. 

The other tradition is to steal recently opened gifts and imediately re-wrapp them and secretly placing them back under the tree.  We once had our sister unwrap the same sports water bottle five times in one afternoon.

58 Lutefisk for Christmas Eve dinner. By far the most horrible food on the planet.

I revolted when I hit 18 and told Mom I'd never eat it again. Now she makes a side of lasagna.

59

'Tis a sin to have Christmas traditions, methinketh.

Posted by: zombie Oliver Cromwell at December 22, 2010 12:14 PM (vXoJW)

Dude, whatev'.  Hey, how's it "hangin'"?  Heh heh heh.

60 My wife, being of Slovak descent, makes this weird (to me anyway) Christmas Eve supper that includes a soup made from kraut juice, mushrooms and beans. Other dishes include boiled wheat, rice and split peas. Whole garlic is eaten to chase away sins or someting.

61

Years ago, when I was dating the future Mrs. Cop, I got a nice Christmas bonus and used that money to buy her a very expensive ruby and diamond bracelet.  I put the bracelet inside an empty toaster box. 

Of course, she knew it wasn't a toaster when she took off the wrapping because the weight was too light for a toaster.  The inside joke was that she had told me that one of the worst Christmas gifts she had even gotten was a toaster:  she doesn't think gifts like that are suitable for Christmas.

 

62 I wash down a handful of Ambien with a bottle of Night Train.

What?

63 My darling wife hermetically seals all packages -- there's not a seam or corner that has not been taped down, making it difficult to find a place to do that first rip.

The folks who make Scotch Tape just love her this time of year.

64 60 My wife, being of Slovak descent, makes this weird (to me anyway) Christmas Eve supper that includes a soup made from kraut juice, mushrooms and beans. Other dishes include boiled wheat, rice and split peas. Whole garlic is eaten to chase away sins or someting. Posted by: Ronster


That sounds....festive.

65 @59 I'll take my heavenly reward over he who "rolls about from whore to whore, a merry monarch, scandalous and poor."

66 63 My darling wife hermetically seals all packages -- there's not a seam or corner that has not been taped down, making it difficult to find a place to do that first rip.

The folks who make Scotch Tape just love her this time of year.

Posted by: Rhymes With Right at December 22, 2010 12:19 PM (19lFx)

Sounds like my mother.  Christmas cannot officially begin until a suitable assortment of bladed instruments has been gathered to make it possible to actually open anything.

67 Sock OFF!

68 Posted by: Royalists at December 22, 2010 12:17 PM (4df7R)

Ummm... Cromwell died of natural causes.  While he was "Lord Protector."  Just sayin.

69

We also have decorating zones. breakable/edible ornaments are placed at a certain height depending on the age and ability of the current inmates.

Our kitten is a great climber! Sigh. One broken ornament so far today...

The kids pretty much know we're getting a Wii, so I think I'll save one big box for the end and then make it a treasure hunt.

70 65 @59 I'll take my heavenly reward over he who "rolls about from whore to whore, a merry monarch, scandalous and poor."

Posted by: zombie Oliver Cromwell at December 22, 2010 12:20 PM (vXoJW)

Buzzkiller.

71 That sounds....festive.

Posted by: mpfs, I sniff sharpies at December 22, 2010 12:19 PM (iYbLN)

I've used many words to describe the meal. Festive is not on the list.

72 68 Posted by: Royalists at December 22, 2010 12:17 PM (4df7R)

Ummm... Cromwell died of natural causes.  While he was "Lord Protector."  Just sayin.

Posted by: AllenG (Dedicated Tenther) at December 22, 2010 12:21 PM (8y9MW)

Yeah, but then we dug up his corpse, hung him in chains, and cut his head off.

We did NOT like that guy.

73 i like to call the local "everythings a dollar" store, tell them i have waited til Christmas eve to buy gifts and ask them if they have certain items.  if they say yes, i ask how much do you want for it? over and over again...

74 I do now have a tradition that I am able to use to get my mother back. Years ago she heard the name "Mr Hankey" and thought it was a cute name, not realizing what/who Mr Hankey was. She found out. I found a Mr Hankey plush toy, and he gets strategically placed before each Christmas meal.

This works even better when non-family members are invited to said Christmas party.

75 18 - That is hilarious. I may sabotage my own Christmas town, that's so dern funny.

76 I had a cousin do the "Box in a box" thing to me one year. I think it was 5 layers. More fun than anything, but a big mess.

The ex-wife's family used to give each other Christmas-themed underwear each year. One year, I got a thong (banana hammock IYKWIM). I made damned sure that I wore it to bed for the ex so she'd never do anything like that again. It's never been worn since, and sits buried in a box somewhere with the other crap that I haven't unpacked since I left her 17 years ago.

77 Whole garlic is eaten to chase away sins or someting.

Posted by: Ronster at December 22, 2010 12:18 PM (9q4PA)

I think it's eaten to chase away the taste of the rest of the meal.  Blaggggg....

78 you guys still celebrate Christmas?  do you sing happy bday to the true messiah-obama? 

79 My grandma used to go all out - I mean ALL out - for Christmas.  Christmas fudge, fondant, Andy Williams on the phonograph.  But, she never, ever got a Christmas tree until Christmas Eve.  And it was always the tallest, spindliest, most incredibly scruffy tree they could find.  I always thought the lack of tree limbs and gaping spaces were because that was the last tree on the lot...but, years later, my mom told me that grandma liked tall, spindly trees because you could hide presents in the branches.

80

My husband HATES clothes for Christmas.

One year, I spent all my money on an underwater camera (he is a scuba diver).  We usually give each other several gifts.  If I had had only one present wrapped for him, he would have guessed it before he opened it.

So I wrapped the camera is a huge box (like the kind you would put a big coat in).

Then I went and bought him underwear, long underwear, undershirts, socks, and new shirts and jeans.  I filmed the whole thing.  I had the huge camera present on the bottom.  Every present he opened, he was saying... 'oh, great....just what I wanted'.  The look on his face was priceless.  I was laughing my a$$ off.

It was worth it when he finally got to his real present.

81

I think it's eaten to chase away the taste of the rest of the meal.  Blaggggg....

Posted by: Tami at December 22, 2010 12:26 PM (VuLos)

Good point.

82

The other tradition is to steal recently opened gifts and imediately re-wrapp them and secretly placing them back under the tree.  We once had our sister unwrap the same sports water bottle five times in one afternoon.

Posted by: weapongradecrazy

 

This is funny.

83

The kids pretty much know we're getting a Wii, so I think I'll save one big box for the end and then make it a treasure hunt.

Posted by: Mama AJ

 

Go all out. Hide the instructions in a seperate place. And the controllers. And the games.....

84 Lutefisk for Christmas Eve dinner. By far the most horrible food on the planet.

I revolted when I hit 18 and told Mom I'd never eat it again. Now she makes a side of lasagna.

Posted by: TimB53 at December 22, 2010 12:17 PM (o2K5o)

Lutefisk.  Ugh, I'd almost forgotten about that.

You may have revolted at 18, but the lutefisk was revolting all along.

85

#80

Getting something for your loved one they REALLY WANT negates all the pranking anyway, and you still get to laugh your ass off.

 

Although I wonder if I too am getting pranked this year. My fiancee keeps talking about my gift and that I'll really love it but I have no clue what it is. Its in two seperate boxes- one i think is a book. But I cannot wait until she opens hers. Her friends helped me out packing it and arranging it, and when she asked them what it was they just stared at her with goofy expressions. She shook it, thinking its a box inside a box. I freaked her out by telling her "I hope you didn't break it...it is very delicate." Since she sometimes visits AoS I won't go into further details but it will be my masterwork, so to speak.

86

Not a tradition, thank goodness, but I'm still mad at my oldest son for what he did 3 years ago.

He woke up early on Christmas morning and instead of waking us up, he just went and opened most of his presents!

I'd found something really cool for him and was soooo looking forward to seeing his happy face when he opened it. But noooo...

87

I have 4 brothers.  One would always try to slow things up on Christmas.  When it was his turn to open a present, he would take each piece of tape off the package, and slowly unfold the wrapping paper.  We would get so mad, because our parents would only let us open presents one child at a time, so they could watch everyone's expression.

Once I was older.....I fixed his wagon.  When I wrapped his present from me, it took awhile.  I wrapped it so carefully 'without' any tape.  Only the ribbon held it in place.  The rest of the family was in on the gag.  His face was priceless when he took off the ribbon and the wrapping paper fell off.

88

I guess you could call this my Christmas tradition.  I wrote it years ago, back before I blogged, and my friend Michele liked it enough to post it for me.

89

#87

Buzzkill.

90 we go buy a real tree the day after Thanksgiving...13 footer...we sleep under the tree that night with the kids and then again Christmas night...its nice, (except for the year the tree fell)..kids look forward to it..we watch ralphie while falling asleep.

91 Uhm...I come home on christmas day. WTF. I SHOW UP! The one night of the year I have my bail pre-paid. Pretty damn thoughtful of me!

92

Oh, oh, I know a tradition! Finding a present or two in early January that I'd buried deep in my closet.

Go all out. Hide the instructions in a seperate place. And the controllers. And the games.....

Yeh, the above tradition makes me think this might not be a good idea...

93 Hubby and I have this tradition of giving completely inappropriate holiday cards.
Like a Get Well card for  Christmas, with pictures of children enclosed. The children? Complete strangers.

One of my friends has a family tradition where all the married men in the family had to sit down and roll up one pantleg to the knee.

Their wives were blindfolded and led into the room.

Each woman had to feel each man's calf, then they had to guess which one was their husband.

Harder than you'd think, since most of the men are brothers.

94 I think Dad is getting a bar mitzvah card this year, with a picture of a chicken in it.

That just feels right.

95

My fiance and her kids have a tradition called... and I am NOT making this up...  hide the pickle.

I have asked not to be part of this.  I just don't want to know.

96

#88

The Crap Tree V The "Nice Tree" is something my extended family has gone through over and over. Thankfully we avoid the whole mess with rock-paper-scissors.

We pre-plan our trees about a year in advance. She got her bird tree this year, but next year I get my surrealist Christmas tree with melting clocks, furry spoons, bowler hats, fish, upside-down birds, and have the whole thing leaning onto a stick. If only I can find boob ornaments as well to go with the theme.

 

and Jalapeno lights kick ass, btw.

97

Since my oldest boy turned 10, him and I go down to Lackawanna Av in Scranton and look for hookers. When they approach the car, we grab ahold and see how far we can drag her (him?). When the wiggle free and stop rolling we give them $100 bucks. Hey...it's Christmas..gotta dig deep!

X-mas whore draggin' "!

98

X-mas whore draggin' "!

That is something that could really catch on.

99

My family is exactly the same with the box in the box in the box deal and we still do it today. I remember one year when I was young, my father gave my mom a set of curlers and wrapped each curler individually.

Now I know all of you are thinking.......man, redwhiteandblue's dad is quite the romantic! He is! One Christmas my mother opened a gift of jewelry.............unfortunately for her.................my father had had the jeweler make a necklace and earrings out of his recently removed TEETH!

True story, not urban legend. My mom, brothers and I all recoiled in absolute horror. We thought he was joking. Alas, he was not.

After much derision from his children, he came to his senses and bought her some actual ruby and diamond necklace and earrings.

100

Christmas traditions so early?  It's not Christmas until January 7th!

Mir Bozic!  Hristos se Rodi!

101 Our family bowls on Christmas day.  No cooking, cleaning and putting up with extra people in your house.  Everyone brings one present and high score gets his pick. 

102 Since I've moved back near family we go to church on Christmas Eve where the kids in the crew are in a Christmas program, then go out for a movie.  This year it'll be the new Narnia flic.  Then back to my sister's, where I usually stay overnight to be up early for the morning's festivities.  Christmas Eve is where the adults bore the kids to death talking about Christmases we remember as kids, and we sing Christmas carols.  As for the older kids, they spend that time Christmas Eve texting their friends and hearing "I said put that phone away, dammit!" from their parents.    

103 I always wanted to bang a chick named Carol for Christmas. Just to say .."I was Caroling"... =

104 Lutefisk for Christmas Eve dinner. By far the most horrible food on the planet.

I revolted when I hit 18 and told Mom I'd never eat it again. Now she makes a side of lasagna.

Posted by: TimB53 at December 22, 2010 12:17 PM (o2K5o)

 

We gave up on lutefisk years ago, but I still make the potato sausage by hand, and we special order the Bond-Ost cheese, the hardtack, and mom makes a rice pudding for our Christmas eve celebration.

105 Christmas ammo.  One year, as a young lad, I told my mother that all I wanted for Christmas was some .22 shells.  That kicked off a 30 year tradition of holiday ammo.  Boxes and boxes of 5.56, 30.06, .308, .45 and occasionally the traditional .22 of my youth.  Glorious Christmas ammo.

106

My 5th grade teacher was named Carol Christmas.  Right before break she handed out pencils that said "A Christmas Carol from Carol Christmas".

The funny thing, she made it very clear she was an athiest.

107 My extended family (cousins, aunts and uncles) for the past 35 years have gotten together for a party. One of the mainstays of the party is to sing "The 12 Days of Christmas" in groups. Each of six groups randomly chooses 2 of the 12 days and when we sing it your group has to stand up and sing your "day". It's silly and dumb. As teenagers we used to enjoy doing our best to sing off-tune or with the wrong tempo, but now we make our kids participate. 35 years and we haven't missed a year yet.

108

My mother had this figurine set that spelt out NOEL.  My brother and I used to drive her crazy by rearranging the letters (OLAN, LEON), and moving them to various places around the house where she couldn't find them. 

109 I get coal.

110

Glorious Christmas ammo.!!!

Ted Kennedy's Gristle Encased Head at December 22, 2010 01:10 PM

I'm gettin' choked the F^ck up over here. You Sir, are truly Blessed!

111 BTW..am I the only one who re-arranges every lawn deer set I see in the humping position?

112 111 BTW..am I the only one who re-arranges every lawn deer set I see in the humping position?

Posted by: hutch1200 at December 22, 2010 01:24 PM (xwPh7)

I  did stick an arrow in one of ours one year. Does that count? My wife didn't see the humor in it. Mmmmmm, maybe that's why I don't get holiday sex?

113 My Christmas tradition is to become enraged at every manifestation of Christmas, from people saying "Merry Christmas" to fake snowmen on lawns in the neighborhood.  Someday my anger will drive me to kill infidels, but for now I just keep CAIR's hotline number on my speed dial.

114

Used to do the gag gift.  One year the SIL KNEW she was getting luggage.  So i got a scooby doo suitcase, toiletry bad and everythign and got it wrapped in the real box.  Sher saved that box for last since she knew what it was.  when she finally opened it, and realized it was a scooby suitcase, and not the nice travel luggage she expected the crushed look on her face was priceless. We let her think she got that for abot 3 hours, the ex finally relented and gave her the real luggage just before dessert.

another year, it was a barbie kitchen for th eyoungest sister, who comlained she hadn't gotten it when she was little, she was 23 when she got it finally.

lots of random stuff like that.

 

Now that i'm single and alone, i'm thinking i'll get a bottle of vadka and see how drunk i get before passing out. :/

115 Posted by: A Moderate Muslim at December 22, 2010 01:30 PM (QKKT0)

http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DwskT6YfVB6E

116

My parents were insane:  Santa brought everything, including the tree.

So every year for about 14 years they had to wait until all the kids were in bed, and only then go and get everything from a neighbor's garage, put up the tree, the lights, the ornaments, wrap the presents (and all with bows), stuff the stockings, clean up, etc., so that we would have the whole thing Christmas morning.

Apparently this took until about 6:00 a.m. and we got up at 7:00 a.m.

And we wondered why Mom & Dad were so quiet on Christmas Day.  They were trying to stay awake.

It was great, though, let me tell you.

117 I'm starting a tradition this year. My 5 year old boy is very adamant about not getting any "girly" stuff. A commerical will come on for some princess or barbie crap and he'll say "don't even think about getting me that mom". So this year, I'm going put his very macho construction set inside a pink Disney princess box and wrap it up.

118 When my oldest grandson was 6 or 7 years old, he would rip apart his wrapped presents like a starving man attacking a filet mignon.  Noticing this, one year when I was unwrapping my own presents, I got an Xacto knife and started carefully slitting the transparent tape, being careful not to cut the wrapping paper.  My grandson noticed this and could not believe his eyes.  "Rip it open!  Rip it open! Rip it open!" he shouted.  Drove him nuts.

This worked a couple of years, until he realized he was being played.  The whole family still laughs about this.

119 Christmas traditions:

Huge extended family gathering on Christmas Eve for Chili,  oyster stew and ham.

Appearance of The Scout Reindeer when young ones need to go home.  (The Scout Reindeer is a stuffed deer head which was salvaged from my dad's hunting cabin in Wisconsin when the bears broke in and trashed it.)  One of the guys takes the deer head outside and holds it up to an appropriate window and turns it from side to side,  like it is "looking" for children who are still up. (The Scout Reindeer is the one who comes BEFORE Santa,  to make sure everyone is in bed.)

It looks very real.  We have done this since my son was a little boy,  and now we do it for his children,  although this will be the last year for a while,  I think.   The youngest granddaughter is the last Santa believer  until my nieces have children.

My son once told me he STILL thinks that he saw Santa following on his sleigh,  because the Scout Reindeer was so realistic his imagination went into overdrive.

When they were younger,  my grandkids would almost go into a panic to get home when they saw that Scout Deer!

120 Love the Scout Deer story!

121 #119 - thread winner.

122 Hubby has been saying he'll quit smoking for better than 15 years now - so every year, I wrap up a pack of nicorette or other stop smoking device in black wrapping paper, scrunching it up to look like a lump of coal.  It's the only present in his stocking.

(And yes, his real gifts are under the tree - I love that man.)

123 #119 - thread winner..Second, motion carries!

124 Chocolate covered raisins, placed strategically behind the oxen, lambs and donkeys in the manger lend an air/feel of realism to the Nativity Scene.

125 We rotate giving "the tacky gift". Velvet Elvis painting, nude wrestlers statue grappling in the most, shall we say "interesting" ways, a lamp made from a Dom Perignon bottle, various homemade monstrosities found at yard sales, etc. When the nephews and nieces got to the age where we just gave gift cards, I wanted to give some $15, others $20 and a lucky one $30 just to see the sh*t hit the fan when they noticed. My wife wouldn't let me.

126 Being of mexican ancestry, growing up we would eat all sorts of tasty mex dishes like tamales, chicken mole, and various pastries at christmas time. All that changed when I got married. My ol' lady's family is of east european descent. Her great-grandparents that came over to US instituted a meal on christmas eve to remember the challenges they faced in the old country in an effort to foster gratitude for being in this new land. What is that meal? Cold fish on a bed of saurkraut, cold cabbage thingies stuffed with rice, perogies, and a couple of  other things. It sure as heck makes me grateful to be a citizen of this great land and in being grateful for that, I do remember the true meaning of christmas, so I reckon it's win all around.

127 fastfreefall,  that is really a beautiful tradition.   It is sort of like eating the "bitter herbs" in the Seder meal at Passover.

Thank you for sharing that.  Maybe I should institute a dinner where I make the crummy stuff we had to eat when we were first married and poor.It would make us thankful for our good fortune we enjoy today.

128

As an inveterate procrastinator, I put off gift shopping for as long as possible.  This afternoon, I'll mosey on out and see if I can find anything on my kids' lists.  Smart kids that they are, "money" and "gift cards" are always on their lists.

It was way worse when almost everything on their lists came from Toys R Us.  Now it's GameStop and BestBuy.

129

Every Christmas Eve a different neighbor would come around dressed as Santa to "hand out" a gift. If you wanted him to drop by to "deliver" the gift, a parent would leave the porch light on with the gift hidden in the milkbox for Santa to pick up before he knocked.

When Santa knocked one year and came in with the present, my precocious and astute 9-year-old self looked at the gift, looked at Santa, then turned to Mom to quip, "Look! Santa has the same wrapping paper we do!"

130 88 I guess you could call this my Christmas tradition.

I salute the Crap Tree! 


I love Christmas.  Everyone's traditions (except perhaps the hobo-killing and anal -- or was that annual? -- sex) gives me warm fuzzies. 

Our traditions include making a different special meal each year.  This year it will probably be a mixed shellfish dish with dungeness crab and mussels.  In past years we've had kangaroo, duck, lamb, rabbit, and lobster.  (Creatures flee us when they see us coming!)

In recent years we only do stockings for each other using a tradition of my mom's -- nylon stockings instead of those goofy felt ones.  'Just came back from Walmart where I picked up Queen size (2x) "fat lady" thigh highs.  Hey, I'm greedy, what can I say. 


As a child I loved Christmas.  Mom would work on the gifts all year, picking up bargains.  Gifts were tagged using some sort of a code so my sister and I would open gifts of equivalent "value" at the same time.  She'd hand them out in sequence.  Dad would be listening to a transistor radio in his bathrobe. 

Christmas Eve we'd go to early Mass, then drive around looking at Christmas lights. 

Mom has been gone 18 Christmases now.  Man I miss her. 

131 Oh, and re the white lights versus colored lights thing.  We've done both over the years, but for a spell when we moved to Massachusetts somehow we wound up with blue and white light strings.  Everyone thought we were Jewish. 

And, yes, I was working at Brandeis at the time!

132 If you wanted him to drop by to "deliver" the gift, a parent would leave the porch light on with the gift hidden in the milkbox for Santa to pick up before he knocked.

Wow, milk boxes.  That brings back memories. 

What a nice neighborhood tradition. 


My mom had us stumped on Easter every year.  I finally had to ask her how she managed to have the Easter baskets out waiting for us when we came home from Mass.  Turns out every year she just pretended she'd forgotten something as we were headed out the door.  We were pretty dumb to not be able to figure that out! 

We also used to get matching Easter outfits to wear to church.  That was a nice tradition. 

133

So, one Christmas my mom comes home kind of late, and she's scraped from stem to stern, "Ma", I says, what happened?!? 

"Shuddup, kid," Ma says back, "We're movin... to Delaware..."

"Since my oldest boy turned 10, him and I go down to Lackawanna Av in Scranton and look for hookers. When they approach the car, we grab ahold and see how far we can drag her (him?). When the wiggle free and stop rolling we give them $100 bucks. Hey...it's Christmas..gotta dig deep!

X-mas whore draggin' "!"

134 133-thats big freaking deal!

135
My grandmother grew up at the turn of the century on a farm in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.  Sleighs were transportation and sleigh bells were warning devices, not decorations.

When Gramma died, we found a six foot string of genuine sleigh bells in her basement. There are about a dozen bells the size of golf balls on leather strap. It hurts the ears to ring them in a confined space.

When the kids were little, I had a neighbor ring them outside the kids' window at bed time and warned them, "if Santa finds any kids awake or out of bed he just goes right past that house."

Worked every time.  The last year we had a believer in the house, we claimed to find the string on the lawn.  Told the kids they must've fallen off Santa's sleigh.

136 The next time I hear or see that commercial for "hoodie footies", I'm going to damage something.

137 Posted by: Opinionions at December 22, 2010 03:01 PM (Xv7f/)

When my son was 3 or 4 he found Santa hat in our fire place. He was very afraid that his head would get cold. We had to assure him that Santa probably carried "spares" in his sleigh just in case of such emergencies. He's 20 now and we still tease him about it.

138

Yeah.  Mostly hookers and/or junkies, which is why there are very few witnesses.

NOOOOOOOOOO!

 

139 #95 The hidden pickle ornament is a German tradition. My family's done it for years.

140 This year I hid the pickle ornament in a stocking ornament - with just the tip sticking out. No one has found it yet. But it's funny to see them stumped.

141 We like to get all of the gift cards, checks and cash tangled-up in the wrapping paper and throw them in the fireplace.

142 A few years ago, our family had a spate of bad fortune.  So when Christmas came around, I was too emotionally drained to think about decorating.  But our daughter, only 5, was expecting the Christmas magic.  My awesome hubby took over all the decorating, and she was his little helper.  They had so much fun that they now do it every year.  They do a great job, and I get to relax and enjoy.  Yay!

143

Over-the-top gag gifts. A couple of years ago my husband and I got a garden yeti from our favorite cousins and gave them an iPod shuffle prefilled with Barry Manilow. It was the best Christmas ever.

144 143 A few years ago, our family had a spate of bad fortune.  So when Christmas came around, I was too emotionally drained to think about decorating... My awesome hubby took over all the decorating, and she was his little helper. 

That's wonderful!

Last year my husband was very down.  Health and job problems.  I was afraid we'd never get around to getting a tree (we usually get a real one) so in a panic I went to Lowe's and got an artificial one.  Lugged it home in the convertible (with the top down it actually fit in the little car) and had it set up for him before he got home from work.

This year was my turn.  I've been sick and stressed over the move and all the changes.  So he found a tree and set it up.  I still put the ornaments on the tree, but he did the big job of getting it ready to decorate. 

145 I'm not sure this is an off-the-wall family tradition but we set off fireworks during Christmas -- Roman candles, firecrackers, and so forth. It sort of died out over the years although the fireworks simply shifted a few days over to New Years.

Some of the more religious adults didn't like it but I considered it celebratory. The shephards got a heavenly choir, we got fireworks.

146 Tamales for Christmas breakfast.

147 When my folks were alive, we had standing rib roast with yorkshire pudding, homemade horseradish sauce, the works every Christmas Eve. Then- We'd retire to the den to watch- "Strange Brew" My parents absolutely loved that goofy movie and somehow watching it became a Christmas tradition. Good times.

148

When we were little, my Dad would make us promise to wait until 7:00 a.m to come get them out of bed to have Christmas.  After we fell asleep he would come in and set the clock back two hours.  They got to sleep in until 9:00 until we were about ten years old.  Worked like a charm.

149 A viewing of "Scrooged" is always in order. When the kids were young, the standard plate of cookies and some carrots were left by the fireplace for Santa and the reindeer. Santa never ate the whole cookie- just took a bite.

150 looks like all the best Christmas traditions involve the same thing: Family.

151 Santa never ate the whole cookie- just took a bite.

The fatty should've stuck with the carrot. 

152

We are big SNL fans in my house.  For a few years we always put out with the "Santa" gifts boxes of socks from Hannukah Harry.  Now our kids are teenagers and a little old for that.  This year I wanted to give my son a "dick in a box" - he is 17 and at that age where he loves dirty jokes - but my husband won't let me. 

I always get my husband a gag gift.  This year I really scored at Borders with a "Big Lebowski Kit" that includes a rug mouse pad, a mug that says "The Dude Abides" and some other crap from the movie.  He will love it.

We have always watched "A Christmas Carol" (the version with George C. Scott as Scrooge, it is the best one ever made) on Christmas Eve before the kids go to bed.  Then I make cranberry bread which we have on Christmas morining while opening presents, then after we finish opening presents and cleaning up I make a big breakfast and we stuff ourselves.  We aren't going to do that this year, though, because a Scandinavian friend of ours invited us to her house for a traditional Swedish Christmas Eve  smorgasbord dinner, and after that we are going to the late Christmas Eve service together, now that my kids are old enough to stay up for it.

153 Posted by: rockmom at December 22, 2010 05:23 PM

That sounds great, rockmom.

I'm still struggling with my high altitude cooking.  Made my cranberry-orange-nut bread a few weeks ago... but it fell.  Still edible, but a bit of disappointment. 

154 Every year My Mom and step-dad du jour would ask what I wanted and every year I said "I wanna watch". Usually they would let me.

155 I grew up in Alaska and Mom always put tangerines or clementines in the toe of our stockings. She thought it was a wonderful treat. I thought it was a piece of fruit taking up space where candy could have been. Also, my sister started a weird tradition of putting earwax candles in our stockings when she went to college. So on Christmas day we all take turns lying on the sofa with a candle sticking out of our ear to clean them. And finally, we have mexican food for dinner. Dad was always tired of turkey & ham by the time Christmas rolled around, so we make fajitas or enchiladas instead.

156 I generally put odd items in everybody's stockings. Mouthwash, Odor-Eaters, Adult Diapers, etc...

157

Many years ago, I went around the house picking up little junk items (cheap ugly candle, partially used post-it note pad, free perfume samples, leftover Halloween candy, etc).  Put it all in a box and wrapped it up for one of my sisters with a note that these were carefully selected and treasured items meant just for her. 

That gift of previously used crap was passed around each Christmas from one family member to another.  Each receiver would take anything they actually wanted out and add in some new junk of their own the next year, but some original items were always included.

I think we stopped the year somebody recognized a regifted item they'd given somebody - oops!  However I think perhaps it's time to start that tradition up again.

 

158

When we were kids, every year Mother would put an orange or tangerine in the toe of our stockings.  This made sense for a woman born in 1927, growing up in the Depression.  Citrus fruit would have been a very rare treat.  We children, however, did not understand this.  Getting a present of an orange made no sense at all.  It wasn't that we grew up in comparative luxury (which was really just typically suburban 1960s).  It was the fact that we grew up entirely in Florida and the problem was too much citrus rather than too little.

159 My parents still insist that Santa brings the presents on Christmas Eve, even though we are 16 and 21 years of age now.

160 put a big bow on a new mercedes, then take a polaroid picture of it,
then put a match-box toy car in the drive-way

161 Whore dragging? Pickle hiding? Drunken gift wrapping? Scout Reindeer? WOW! I have never laughed so hard or been moved with quality stories in a very long time. Mrs. Sailor and I have a few cocktails, wrap presents and on a good night get busy. I think I will add reading this thread aloud to our adult friends. You fuckers are wonderfully nuts. Merry Christmas!

162 I am proud to say that my family has been making banana PUDDING!!! every Xmas for at least 3 generations.

163 Christmas Eve we have a nice, traditional dinner (ham, or roast or something along those lines), then open up one present each. Christmas Day, after all the presents are opened and the football is watched, we have a tradition of making homemade pizzas for dinner. We started this about ten years ago, and it is always a great treat. It's nice to have something simple and communal (we all help to make the pizzas) on this day. Most of all, it's about the family coming together and sitting around the table - good times.

164

onitsuka tiger      

asics tiger      

asics kayano

165 Thanks for posting this. i really enjoyed reading this.