March 25, 2010
— Jack M. The blogosphere is renowned for enabling "citizen journalism". And last night, I found myself facing a choice: write a satirical epic poem about health care reform legislation that revolves around Homer's Iliad, Mila Kunis' unrequited love for me, and the moral lessons embodied in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure or call in a few chips and do some original reporting. Fortunately for you, I chose to do some original reporting.
So, I called a couple of Democratic Members of the House of Representatives and invited them out for coffee so that they could share their horrific stories of abject terror with me. After all, don't we owe it to future generations to document our modern day Teabagging Kristallnacht? I think so.
We agreed to meet at the Capitol Hill Starbucks (237 Pennsylvania Avenue...just steps from the Capitol) and I had barely settled in when the stories started. I have to say your humble correspondent was shocked and dismayed by what he learned...... Begin transcript:
Jack: So I understand that we live in terrifying times now. In fact, were I a literate man, I would compare the present atmosphere to that in a "Tale of Two Cities." All we are missing is the guillotine and the flow of blood in the streets, n'est ce pas?
Pelosi: That's a great analogy. I've always viewed my Speakership through the prism of "what would Madame Defarge do?"
Jack: Tell me what the past several days have been like for you, Madame Speaker. Oh, and Hoyer, Stupak and Clyburn...feel free to join in if you want.
Stupak: I won't feel free to speak my conscience until the President gives me a letter saying there will be no repercussions for speaking my conscience.
Jack: Wait...don't you already have that language in the 1st Amendment?
Stupak: You can never be too careful. I'll wait for my letter to cover my ass, thank you.
Pelosi: Settle down, Bart. You are from Michigan, after all. One would think you would be used to all these gun-owning, bible-clutching, hate-mongering, rednecks. That kind of thing simply is "declasse" in San Francisco, tho, and I'm having a hard time with it.
Jack: Do go on...
Pelosi: Well, for the first time in my career I have to do something to protect myself from the violent mobs that have been gathering outside the Capitol, with their dangerous and violent "kill the bill" rhetoric...
Hoyer: Not to mention their uncanny spitting prowess...
Pelosi: I hear that Curt Schilling teaches them how to do that, you know.
Jack: Wait...what?
Pelosi: The spitting. It's a baseball thing. And Schilling did endorse Scott Brown....and George W. Bush.
Hoyer: Makes perfect sense to me.
Clyburn: I haven't seen professional spitting like that since I marched on Selma in 1965! The Alabama River was so swollen with spittle that it threatened to overrun it's banks and drown the city of Montgomery.
Which would have been OK, actually. Would've taught that racist, segregationist Alabama Governor George Wallace a lesson.
Jack: But Wallace was a Democrat, wasn't he?
Clyburn: And a damn fine Democrat! Even ran for President he was so popular.
Jack: But you just wished that he would have been drowned in a flood of spit...
Pelosi: Don't mind him...he's really only here so we can compare everything to Selma, '65. And because I told him we would mandate that you buy all of us coffee.
Jack: How about I just deem it already done?
Pelosi: Typical conservative, always looking for a trick to avoid being held accountable. Or for paying your fair share.
Getting back on topic, there can really be no doubt that all this spitting is "astroturf". Which, again leads to baseball, and from there, to Curt Schilling.
Hoyer: How can you not see that? It's so clear. Well, never mind...when Olbermann reveals this in tomorrow night's "extra special and crispy comment" the truth will be known.
Jack: Yeah...so is that all that frightens you? A potential flood of spit?
Pelosi: Oh, heavens no! Let's get back to all the hurtful language that's being thrown around?
Clyburn: Just like in Selma, 65! Damn tea-baggers and their use of name-calling attacks.
Hoyer: Yep. Tea-baggers really bring down the level of discourse in this country.
Pelosi: I mean, let's take the tea-baggers favorite slogan, "Kill the Bill".
Jack: What about it?
Pelosi: Don't you see?
Jack: See what? They don't like the health care bill.
Pelosi: Steny, he doesn't get it.
Hoyer: Everyone in America loves our health-care bill, Jack. We told that to all our caucus to get them to vote for it, and they believed it long enough to do so. Despite all the negative polling it really is intensely popular.
Jack: Then why do the vast majority of Americans want the bill repealed?
Clyburn: Because the vast majority of Americans were at Selma in 1965!
Pelosi: Let's try this from another angle. What do you notice about the "Kill the Bill" signs?
Jack: What?
Pelosi: The "B" in "Bill" is capitalized. And when are nouns capitalized? When they are proper names.
Jack: I'm not following...
Pelosi: "Bill" stands for Bill Clinton! These protesting tea-baggers never did get over our greatest ex-president's exoneration in that bogus impeachment, and have been biding their time to string him up! I'm thinking about introducing legislation to have them all arrested. Or at least calling the Secret Service.
Jack: That seems a little far fetched to me, Madame Speaker.
Pelosi: Well, you just don't understand politics like I do. If you were on the receiving end of this kinda stuff, you'd be plenty scared too.
Jack: So you are afraid of a flood of spit and a potentially misunderstood slogan.
Hoyer: And spiders.
Jack: What's that got to do with this?
Hoyer: Nothing. I'm just really, really scared of spiders. In fact, last time I saw one in my bathroom, I sold my house and bought another.
Jack: Really.
Hoyer: Obama credited me with having spurred more economic activity in the real-estate market by myself than he had been able to do since Jan 2009.
Jack: Yeah.
Hoyer: I didn't have the heart to tell him I did that in 2007.
Clyburn: 2007 reminds me of Selma, 1965!
Jack: Does that even make sense?
Clyburn: Are you questioning my moral authority, Jack?
Jack: No...I'm just saying....
Clyburn: It's like Selma, '65! Jack is trying to silence me!
Jack: Hey...where's Barney Frank, by the way? Didn't he claim to be insulted to?
Pelosi: We learned a long time ago not to know "too much" about what Frank gets up to when he isn't around.
Hoyer: Plausible deniability is vital to a successful DC career, Jack.
Jack: I think I'm going to go home now.
Pelosi: Would you like to borrow my big gavel? It makes a pretty good weapon (since carrying a gun would be wrong!) After all, you can never be too prepared for the zombie apocalypse. I worry about that too.
Jack: Zombies?
Pelosi: Yes. Zombies. They are right wingers, you know.
Jack: No....I didn't.
Pelosi: Oh yes....you always hear about Zombie Reagan and Zombie Nixon....but do you ever hear about Zombie Truman? Nope.
Hoyer: It's a sad testament to the political affiliation of the undead.
Clyburn: Just like in Selma '65- No Justice, No Rest-In-Peace!
Jack: So the upcoming Democratic election campaign is going to be based on...
Pelosi: Providing Americans with universal protection against spit, bad words, and right-wing undead zombies.
Hoyer: We are still negotiating my amendment on spiders.
End Transcript.
Posted by: Jack M. at
10:27 AM
| Comments (88)
Post contains 1269 words, total size 8 kb.
Posted by: StuckOnStupid at March 25, 2010 10:30 AM (e8T35)
What year is a good vintage for that?
Hoyer: We are still negotiating my amendment on spiders.
ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH
I'd hide under my desk BUT THERE'S SPIDERS THERE I KNOW THERE ARE
Posted by: alexthechick at March 25, 2010 10:32 AM (8WZWv)
Posted by: joejm65 at March 25, 2010 10:33 AM (vSncj)
Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 25, 2010 10:34 AM (UOM48)
Hoyer: It's a sad testament to the political affiliation of the undead.
Funny, I thought they were primarily Democrats. There's just something about death that changes people, makes them always want to vote for the Dem even beyond the grave.
Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at March 25, 2010 10:36 AM (9hSKh)
Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 25, 2010 02:34 PM (UOM4
Friggin' right wing arachnaphobes.
Posted by: S.L.F. (Spider Liberation Front) at March 25, 2010 10:37 AM (nxUYP)
Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 25, 2010 10:37 AM (UOM48)
Posted by: nancy pelosi at March 25, 2010 02:34 PM (nxUYP)
Thanks for that visual...
Posted by: conscious and not a lawyer or accountant at March 25, 2010 10:37 AM (Vu6sl)
Posted by: runningrn at March 25, 2010 10:40 AM (CfmlF)
On a related note: Obama calls out conservatives from across the U.S. and threatens to kick their asses - individually or all at once.
Leftists swoon.
Repubs say, eeeeeewwwwwww.
Posted by: Hussein the Plumber at March 25, 2010 10:40 AM (RkRxq)
6 Honey, you're not done until I come.
Dude, all the news just today is enough to make me sick and now you add that? Ewww....
Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at March 25, 2010 10:40 AM (9hSKh)
And so says our nation before the last collapse.
Posted by: Charles Dickens at March 25, 2010 10:40 AM (QrA9E)
Posted by: nancy pelosi at March 25, 2010 02:34 PM (nxUYP)
But, but, I thought your motto was constituents always come first.
Posted by: conscious and not a lawyer or accountant at March 25, 2010 10:41 AM (Vu6sl)
Everyone knows she drinks non-union blood.
Posted by: MrCaniac at March 25, 2010 10:41 AM (Vol3D)
Posted by: This is Candygram...Plumber...Landshark at March 25, 2010 10:43 AM (z37MR)
Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 25, 2010 10:43 AM (UOM48)
Posted by: Truman North at March 25, 2010 10:45 AM (e8YaH)
Posted by: conscious and not a lawyer or accountant at March 25, 2010 10:48 AM (Vu6sl)
Posted by: Truman North at March 25, 2010 02:45 PM (e8YaH)
Facebook is a time drain, I'd rather NOT spend my time farming virtual vegetables.
Posted by: Ludicrous Speed at March 25, 2010 10:48 AM (zqzYV)
Posted by: Ludicrous Speed at March 25, 2010 10:49 AM (zqzYV)
Leftist MSM reporter adds a diety to the leftist pantheon.
Oh for chrissakes shut the fuck up. Figures the writer would be named Eleanor. Kind of reminds me of post #6.
Posted by: Samuel Adams at March 25, 2010 10:49 AM (nxUYP)
Posted by: runningrn at March 25, 2010 10:51 AM (CfmlF)
Posted by: rightzilla at March 25, 2010 10:52 AM (rVJH4)
Ok.. well, not the Illiad by any means, but best I could do in a pinch:
A Democratic Congress they were known to be
In a land of fruited planes and shining sea
And one day the realized their age old call
Free health care for one and all
So they put thousands of pages in one monstrous bill
And ran to and fro on capitol hill
They heard from the people a resounding no
But decided to tell the people where they could go
There were meetings in secret and members to bribe
And though many were costly not Stupak and tribe
They gave many speeches most of which were a lie
They told stories of dentures designed to make you cry
They promised transparency but gave none at all
Despite all the people who would email and call
Kill the Bill the people shouted in vain
While new taxes and expenses fell from the sky like rain
They played with the numbers and hit all the cost
For if they told the truth they knew it would be lost
They used reconciliation and other dirty tricks
And denounced their detractors as racist hicks
They passed the bill and said Healthcare is fixed
But the people didnÂ’t want it and the reaction was not mixed
And they laughed and rejoiced up on the hill
Even though none of them had even read the damn bill
And these same legislators who told people to pound sand
Now cry and whine that there is anger in the land
The Stupak did cry about nasty phone calls galore
After selling his vote like a 2 dollar whore
You see they think you are stupid and that you donÂ’t matter
They think you’ll forget – there all as mad as the hatter
Because we will not forget, we most certainly will remember
You think unemployment is up now, just wait till November.
There was one thing that congress never could understand
No matter how many people shouted throughout the land
No matter what they might say or what their lies might be
Most of us know "free health care" damn sure ain't free.
Posted by: StuckOnStupid at March 25, 2010 10:54 AM (e8T35)
Think Barry might have it out for whitey? Maybe a leeetle bit?
Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 25, 2010 10:54 AM (UOM48)
Can the end of the article be a thread winner?
No Justice, No Rest in Peace.
Now there's some funny shit!
Just sayin'
Posted by: BIG ROB at March 25, 2010 10:55 AM (K2iC2)
Facebook is a time drain, I'd rather NOT spend my time farming virtual vegetables.
I learn as much there and do as much networking there as I have ever learned or done. It all depends on what you do there...
Posted by: Truman North at March 25, 2010 10:56 AM (e8YaH)
Think Barry might have it out for whitey? Maybe a leeetle bit?
Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 25, 2010 02:54 PM (UOM4
He reminds me of my old boss. Once hired, tried to get rid of every white person in the group. Upper management finally caught on, but a couple of people lost their jobs.
Posted by: Ludicrous Speed at March 25, 2010 10:57 AM (zqzYV)
28 Maybe we should have a contest who can leave the stupidest voice mail on Stupak's phone?
Bart, I'm so into your right now, but you've gotta be into Betsy too.
Posted by: Pat Obrien at March 25, 2010 10:59 AM (fGMGp)
Rush was just talking about the tanning tax and the demographic who'll pay it.
Think Barry might have it out for whitey?
Well, at least for orange-y.
Posted by: Mama AJ at March 25, 2010 10:59 AM (XdlcF)
Posted by: Barack "light but not quite white" Obama at March 25, 2010 11:01 AM (Vu6sl)
O/T - Actor Dennis Hopper is terminally ill and is unable to undergo chemotherapy to treat prostate cancer.
Farm out man! (60's asshole hippy lingo)
Posted by: Fish at March 25, 2010 11:03 AM (M5t+h)
28 Maybe we should have a contest who can leave the stupidest voice mail on Stupak's phone?
Bart, I'm so into your right now, but you've gotta be into Betsy too.
Posted by: Pat Obrien at March 25, 2010 02:59 PM (fGMGp)
I want to kiss you. I couldn't care less about the team strugg-a-ling.
Posted by: Joe Namath at March 25, 2010 11:03 AM (zqzYV)
Posted by: Annabelle at March 25, 2010 11:03 AM (pEI8G)
O/T - Actor Dennis Hopper is terminally ill and is unable to undergo chemotherapy to treat prostate cancer.
Farm out man! (60's asshole hippy lingo)
Posted by: Fish at March 25, 2010 03:03 PM (M5t+h)
I can't forget the crazy graveyard scene in Easy Rider.
Posted by: Barack at March 25, 2010 11:04 AM (Vu6sl)
What they're trying to do is equate voting against them in November to terrorism. This is their planned response to the national outrage about the dogshit legislation they are cramming down.
Posted by: Dang Straights at March 25, 2010 11:06 AM (fx8sm)
Which was older, the gavel or the blinkin' cretin carrying across the street?
The cretin actually. The gavel first appeared in the 1600's, making it approximately 400 years old.
The cretin carrying the gavel first appeared in 1940, making it approximately 70 years old in human years. However when you convert that to dog years, you get 490, making Pelosi older than the gavel.
However no firm date yet exists on the ugly stick that they beat her with, so I wasn't able to determine if it was older than she was.
Posted by: StuckOnStupid at March 25, 2010 11:07 AM (e8T35)
Posted by: stuiec at March 25, 2010 11:08 AM (7AOgy)
Farm out man! (60's asshole hippy lingo)
Posted by: Fish at March 25, 2010 03:03 PM (M5t+h)
Right arm!
Posted by: stuiec at March 25, 2010 11:09 AM (7AOgy)
Posted by: IllTemperedCur at March 25, 2010 11:09 AM (I/MqP)
Posted by: Jack M. at March 25, 2010 11:11 AM (Ncr1R)
I suppose Code Pink is more "rank-smelling" than "violent." At least when camping out outside her condo.
Posted by: HeatherRadish at March 25, 2010 11:12 AM (mR7mk)
Posted by: Mac Taylor at March 25, 2010 11:15 AM (/3j+Q)
Posted by: bulwark at March 25, 2010 11:16 AM (PO/9k)
Stupak, I hope your micro-penis shrivels up. And you awaken one night to your dog eating your tiny dried up penis because it thinks it's beef jerky. And then I hope your dog pukes all over you and then eats your colon.
Posted by: This is Candygram...Plumber...Landshark at March 25, 2010 11:19 AM (z37MR)
I've never been so ashamed to be an American. These type of violent threats offend my delicate sensibilities.
Posted by: Bill Ayers at March 25, 2010 11:20 AM (cEXzj)
Posted by: Truman North at March 25, 2010 11:20 AM (e8YaH)
Posted by: The Ku-Klux Klan at March 25, 2010 11:21 AM (cEXzj)
Resisting ObamaCare, Gandhi Style
President Barack Obama came into office promising hope and change. But he might get more change than he hoped for. By foisting ObamaCare on a deeply unwilling country he might have set the stage for the largest civil disobedience movement since the civil rights era, which, if it plays its cards right, could undo his legislation and his legacy.
President Obama is betting that come November the bruising, yearlong battle that he has just dragged the country through will be a distant memory. But that profoundly underestimates the dismay of a large segment of the public that sees what he signed Tuesday as a fraudulent piece of legislation based on fraudulent thinking backed by fraudulent facts enacted through a fraudulent process. (Yes, Americans do care about "process," Mr. President. It's another name for representative government.)
Posted by: conscious and medically incoherent at March 25, 2010 11:21 AM (Vu6sl)
Posted by: unknown jane at March 25, 2010 11:23 AM (5/yRG)
I think, if anything, we should admire the Democratic party for its consistency of vision.
They began as the pro-slavery party, and they've never wavered from that position.
Posted by: stickety at March 25, 2010 11:24 AM (cEXzj)
I think many gays understand that virtually all repressive governments that ever existed eventually came after them once they'd outlived their usefulness.
Posted by: Purple Avenger at March 25, 2010 11:30 AM (NA96o)
Right arm!
Posted by: stuiec at March 25, 2010 03:09 PM (7AOgy)
"Gnarly dude!"
Wrong time/wrong culture-Haight and Asbury wouldn't have had a clue.
Piece (Peace)
Posted by: Carednek at March 25, 2010 11:36 AM (onuG5)
Right arm!
Posted by: stuiec at March 25, 2010 03:09 PM (7AOgy)
"Gnarly dude!"
Wrong time/wrong culture-Haight and Asbury wouldn't have had a clue.
Piece (Peace)
Posted by: Carednek at March 25, 2010 03:36 PM (onuG5)
Free dove mon!
Posted by: Fish at March 25, 2010 11:38 AM (M5t+h)
Posted by: Josey Wales at March 25, 2010 11:40 AM (tFbok)
Posted by: Iamnotanalcoholic at March 25, 2010 11:41 AM (UCFfQ)
Posted by: 57 States at March 25, 2010 11:43 AM (kbH+o)
Costa Rica is out because the health insurance company setting it up won't survive to get it done.
Posted by: Rat Patrol at March 25, 2010 11:48 AM (dQdrY)
Why doesn't someone sue the bastards for lying and make them put up evidence, or shut up?
Posted by: S at March 25, 2010 11:53 AM (ME+Yl)
Posted by: Unclefacts, Purveyor of Fine Meteors at March 25, 2010 12:01 PM (erIg9)
I notice the big thing on YouTube is a video supposedly showing George W. Bush 'wiping' his hand on Bill Clinton's shirt after shaking hands with Haitians. Of course, if you actually LOOK at the film clip it looks like a back pat with 'Hey, Bill, time to go', but no: W. Hateses the Black People! Halliburton!! Eleventy!!!!
I begin to despair........
Posted by: Sort-of-Mad Max at March 25, 2010 12:02 PM (ERJIu)
Posted by: Truman North at March 25, 2010 02:45 PM (e8YaH)
was wondering where my daily bacon went to
Posted by: Unclefacts, Purveyor of Fine Meteors at March 25, 2010 12:04 PM (erIg9)
79 So all the tapes of the march show jack shit about the "N" word.
Hey, I personally know Jack Shit!
Posted by: 57 States at March 25, 2010 12:08 PM (kbH+o)
Posted by: Minka at March 25, 2010 12:08 PM (/8wMS)
Posted by: IllTemperedCur at March 25, 2010 12:11 PM (I/MqP)
Posted by: Garbiel Malodor at March 25, 2010 12:14 PM (dP6Ky)
"France, less favoured on the whole as to matters spiritual than her sister of the shield and trident, rolled with exceeding smoothness down hill, making paper money and spending it. Under the guidance of her Christian pastors, she entertained herself, besides, with such humane achievements as sentencing a youth to have his hands cut off, his tongue torn out with pincers, and his body burned alive, because he had not kneeled down in the rain to do honour to a dirty procession of monks which passed within his view, at a distance of some fifty or sixty yards."
Dickens apparently exaggerated the punishment but the tongue part was accurate:
http://tinyurl.com/yd294ux
Posted by: ExZonie at March 25, 2010 12:51 PM (as47X)
Posted by: Jack M. at March 25, 2010 01:09 PM (Ncr1R)
But in all seriousness, a massive assemblage of conservative protesters would do well to adhere to the edict of civil disobedience. It works very well, and it would certainly send a powerful message that we intend to not only work through the system, but preserve it. Imagine a hundred thousand protesters marching on the Capital in complete silence. Instead of shouting at the congressional bottomfeeders as they walk by, the protesters could all turn their backs on them as these prigs stroll by in all of their arrogance. The conservatives could stage sit ins, and disrupt the business on the hill, all in silence and without any violence. To further augment the symbolism of a silent and marginalized majority they could even put tape over their mouths. This would show that it is actions, not words that are going to get the country back on track. Imagine...Ghandi would be proud...sorta (he was a big lefty, ya know)...
Posted by: mistress overdone at March 25, 2010 02:19 PM (2/oBD)
Posted by: Laura Castellano at March 25, 2010 02:26 PM (fuw6p)
Iowahawk is American Idol funny.
I hate to say this because it would be super-wonderful to have a consistently funny person on our side.
Jack's series has been something folks here feel obligated to deem as funny. They have not been funny at all. They have the tinny "sound" of being funny, which is the biggest bogusness of all.
One of the most painful aspects of our current political situation is that the Left has a monopoly on creativity, including funniness. It is a goddam irony of life, and a proof of life's unfairness, that Leftists should have this talent, when they are (other than their undeniable creativity) many tons of sodden newspaper flopped on humanity.
Jack should write according to his ability and no more.
I may as well say, PJ O'Rourke, a marvelous person, is also not very funny. Nor is Dennis Miller, even when he was a Leftist, the thought of which is super-discouraging.
On a lighter side, Shakespeare, Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy and almost every great literary artist and philosopher is not a Leftist in pov. That explains why the Left wants them banned from the curriculum.
Woody Allen cannot be a non-Leftist. A thought to ponder. And welcome to him, although I love his movies and his wit.
Ace has had some really funny stuff. Wry. Can we try for that level?
Posted by: Tonawanda at March 25, 2010 07:20 PM (fgysf)
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Posted by: Tonawanda at March 25, 2010 10:30 AM (bN5ZU)