Ace of Spades HQ

February 04, 2010

Full Paul Anka Rant
— Ace

The video linked below was just sort of the highlights, edited together.

Some of the stuff he says it's hard to understand the first... um, 20 times listening to it. So in the video reenactment, they cut that stuff.

Here's the full version. Kind of a Revolution No. 9 of profanity, and integrity.

This is the original audio, which is much, much better quality than the YouTube version, but you can't pause it or go back and forth.

If you're having problems following the context, this will help:

He doesn't like the band not coming in costumey, dressy shirts, but instead coming on stage with t-shirts.

Anka is mad about the band not coming to their "cut-offs" on cue, on various songs, like My Way (he wrote it) and I'm Not Anyone. They're supposed to cut-off when he raises his arms before a bow. But they're sloppy and not doing it when he signals.

Vinny Falcone is obviously a scary, hard-ass conductor. "Man of Substance" actually gave me a real Vinny Falcone business card, long ago. (Wait-- actually, he gave me CJ Powell's card, mentioned near the end.)

Full Transcript: Yeah, we were a little obsessive about this. Geoff just finished it.

I tried to do this one time and gave up.

The end of the tape is some of the best stuff, really. It's all firing threats and talk of "integrity," "substance," and "conscious" (sic).

Posted by: Ace at 02:01 PM | Comments (65)
Post contains 244 words, total size 2 kb.

1 In the Amber series by Roger Zelazny, the heart of the universe was "the Pattern" and everything in the universe was based on it. This Anka monologue is the pattern at the heart, the very core, of AoSHQ.

Posted by: OregonMuse at February 04, 2010 02:03 PM (hoowK)

2 Plus, if you repeat the pattern to yourself, you will acquire mystical powers, just like in the Zelazny novels.

Posted by: OregonMuse at February 04, 2010 02:04 PM (hoowK)

3 Epic. Can we get Anka over here to chew out the Phoenix politicians? He'd get the fear of G-d into them, certainly. _{Bastards and their food tax....}

Posted by: soulpile at February 04, 2010 02:05 PM (afWhQ)

4
And here, again, is the transcript for the first several minutes.

Posted by: geoff at February 04, 2010 02:05 PM (G/5Za)

5 Oh, my. It's so unexpected that this man's marriage failed.

Posted by: Peaches at February 04, 2010 02:10 PM (9Wv2j)

6
The end of the tape is some of the best stuff, really. It's all firing threats and talk of "integrity," "substance," and "conscious" (sic).

Yeah - I ran out of steam after doing that much.

Posted by: geoff at February 04, 2010 02:12 PM (G/5Za)

7 Geoff-- One thing I picked up, you say "Hold that quarter and ******," I guess you couldn't make it out. It's "hold that quarter and cut it," which I guess means "hold that quarter note and then cut it off."

Posted by: ace at February 04, 2010 02:15 PM (jlvw3)

8
It's "hold that quarter and cut it," which I guess means "hold that quarter note and then cut it off."

Ah. I listened to that several times, and could never make sense of it. Thanks - I'll fix it now.

Posted by: geoff at February 04, 2010 02:17 PM (G/5Za)

9
Can anyone make sense of this line?

Do you remember the last meeting where I said **** ******* **** except for Â“IÂ’m Not Anyone,Â” IÂ’ll give Â“IÂ’m Not Anyone.Â”

Posted by: geoff at February 04, 2010 02:19 PM (G/5Za)

10 man you are so close to finishing...

I'll see about transcripting the rest and shoot it to you.

Posted by: ace at February 04, 2010 02:20 PM (jlvw3)

11 If you're having problems following the context, this will help:

He doesn't like the band not coming in costumey, dressy shirts, but instead coming on stage with t-shirts.

Anka is mad about the band not coming to their "cut-offs" on cue, on various songs, like My Way (he wrote it) and I'm Not Anyone. They're supposed to cut-off when he raises his arms before a bow. But they're sloppy and not doing it when he signals.

You forgot that Paul Anka is the most important person on that stage. And that's just. The fucking. Way it is.

Posted by: INCITEmarsh at February 04, 2010 02:23 PM (31oQh)

Thanks for the human resource management tips Ace!

Really, if you don't stay on top of your people, they will walk all over you. Sometimes the tree of organizational efficiency has to be watered with the blood of slackers.

Posted by: Jim in San Diego at February 04, 2010 02:23 PM (F09Uo)

13
man you are so close to finishing...

Is that right? I had to keep starting it from the beginning since I was working from the original audio, and it seemed like it just kept going, and going, and going.

I was transcribing it for Mrs. Peel, so I figured that at that point she had enough of it to get the gist and follow all the inside jokes.

You're absolutely welcome to take it and do whatever you want with it. I can email the Word file if that's any help.

Posted by: geoff at February 04, 2010 02:24 PM (G/5Za)

14 He says "A bow I'll do, take it, end it," or something like that. He's saying something about the bow being the signal for the cut-off, but I think he changes his thoughts so it comes out confusing as he says.

Posted by: ace at February 04, 2010 02:25 PM (jlvw3)

15
He says "A bow I'll do, take it, end it," or something like that.

I'll go with that, then.

Posted by: geoff at February 04, 2010 02:26 PM (G/5Za)

16 >>>Is that right? I had to keep starting it from the beginning since I was working from the original audio, and it seemed like it just kept going, and going, and going. Yeah... see, the YouTube video, you can pause and go back, even though it's not of as high a quality. Looking at where your transcript ends, it looks like there are two meandering paragraphs left and then a "Where's Joe?"

Posted by: ace at February 04, 2010 02:27 PM (jlvw3)

17 That NEVER gets old. It's got as many takeaway lines as Tombstone. One of my favorite quirks is that he rants and raves and hammers the same points home again and again, EXCEPT for the three times he asks, "Where's Joe?" That's it - "Where's Joe?" No follow up, just boom, on to the next rant. Sure he's asking, but he's not SELLING me on the fact that he wants to know where Joe is. There's no anger, no urgency. Like Joe is probably the only one who hasn't shit the bed and wouldn't it be nice if Joe were there so he could turn to him and say, "Hey Joe, aren't they on thin ice?" "You know I slice like a fucking hammer, huh, Joe? " "Joe understands where I'm coming from with integrity." This should be reposted at least yearly.

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at February 04, 2010 02:27 PM (xGIqT)

18 Good times

Posted by: BrewFan at February 04, 2010 02:28 PM (mZu8a)

19 Zappa was also famously tough on his band - but I don't know if there is a video.

Posted by: FailedState at February 04, 2010 02:29 PM (QJzQi)

20 I guess you should claim he says "A bow I'll do to take it, to end it," even though the "to's" aren't heard, that's what he's trying to say, I think.

Posted by: ace at February 04, 2010 02:29 PM (jlvw3)

21 Where is Geezer? We need Geezer!

Posted by: Tushar at February 04, 2010 02:34 PM (KXhmI)

22 Joe is Joe Guercio the arranger/conductor. He was also Elvis' conductor IIRC.

John is Johnny Hayes, probably the conductor at the time.

The blue light was the blue conductor down light, that stayed on all the time so the musicians could see the conductor during the blackouts. It probably got bumped onto the projection screen.

I was on the road 5 times with him. He actually treated the crew pretty good. We stayed in the same hotels he did, not in Roadie Roach Motels.

This tape was made after I stopped touring with him.

Retired Geezer aka Man of Substance

Posted by: Retired Geezer at February 04, 2010 02:39 PM (fhL3h)

23 Paul Anka shot his bass player for wearing tennis shoes.

Posted by: Joe at February 04, 2010 02:44 PM (0FiCa)

24
I tried to finish the transcript, so that it is now complete, at least as a draft.

Posted by: geoff at February 04, 2010 02:48 PM (G/5Za)

When I first started lurking here a couple years ago I went thru the whole list of the Anka stuff, good lord what a riot. If you're new here I suggest you check it all out in the sidebar.

Good times, good times.

Posted by: Grunt2Jag at February 04, 2010 02:49 PM (Yr6lx)

26 Hey, classic AoSHQ stuff right here. Good times.

Keep your eyes on The Pilot. Where's Joe?

Posted by: brak at February 04, 2010 02:55 PM (W5NBA)

Good times, good times. I remember when my chapter of the Hells Angels did Security for him at Altamont.

It was one of his fans that pulled a gun, that led to a stabbing, not those ...Rolling Who Beatle bands.

Posted by: hutch1200 at February 04, 2010 03:00 PM (eScrM)

28 That is some good stuff. Buddy Rich was worse (I am Buddy alum). Shit, Buddy would kick your ass... you wouldn't even have an ass left to chew out.

Posted by: rawmuse at February 04, 2010 03:00 PM (6Kciv)

29 Sinatra would kick your ass, too, basically. Times were different. I miss them.

Posted by: rawmuse at February 04, 2010 03:02 PM (6Kciv)

30 Don't make a fucking maniac outta me!

Posted by: Iblis at February 04, 2010 03:05 PM (9221z)

31 Actually, he's much kinder and more diplomatic than the millionaire powerhouses I've worked with--they make him sound like a pansy. Anka takes pride in his work; it's his name. What's the point of doing something if it's half-assed? I think he's perfectly justified in doing this. he's trying to achieve excellence. He doesn't need to work with B-students.

Posted by: ahem at February 04, 2010 03:08 PM (yO8ge)

32 I am happy that the morons get a kick out of this stuff. I have so many stories I could tell in private...

Posted by: rawmuse at February 04, 2010 03:10 PM (6Kciv)

33 Linda Ronstadt, she could tear you a new asshole in the middle of your chest... believe it.

Posted by: rawmuse at February 04, 2010 03:11 PM (6Kciv)

34 If you play any Paul Anka song backwards you can clearly hear "Where's Joe?".

Posted by: Dr. Spank at February 04, 2010 03:13 PM (0FiCa)

35 I gotta find that Terri Gross interview with Anka where she tried to embarrass him about this and he just laughed at her.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at February 04, 2010 03:22 PM (Wh0W+)

36 All ass-chewings arent equal. This is so filled with weapons grade weirdness/goodness that I still crack up. Just saying fuck you, assholes, doesnt cut it.

Posted by: dibutler,perpetuallypissed at February 04, 2010 03:23 PM (S3xX1)

37 It looks like it's on between Palin and Rush. Via Allah.

Posted by: Dr. Spank at February 04, 2010 03:26 PM (0FiCa)

Jim- Thank you. This is perhaps the greatest managerial lesson I could ever find.

"Sometimes the tree of organizational efficiency has to be watered with the blood of slackers."

Posted by: newguy40 at February 04, 2010 03:30 PM (kduZC)

39 Never was interested in seeing Paul Anka PRIOR to hearing this tape. Am now. Sounds like he really cares.

Posted by: moviegique at February 04, 2010 03:33 PM (1y5Vr)

40 I gotta find that Terri Gross interview with Anka where she tried to embarrass him about this and he just laughed at her

Terri Gross is a miserable little twat.

Posted by: OregonMuse at February 04, 2010 03:38 PM (hoowK)

41 Shit, that twerp Anka is a fucking piker.

Posted by: Buddy Rich at February 04, 2010 03:43 PM (iBzKc)

42 39 It looks like it's on between Palin and Rush. Via Allah.

Dude, it's Allah, Palin skeptic extrordinaire. Take the story with a fist-size grain of salt.

Posted by: Hoss Fuentes at February 04, 2010 03:44 PM (ISEr/)

43 All morons must learn the history of slicing like a fucking hammer.I did the research as soon as I started coming here.

Posted by: steevy at February 04, 2010 03:55 PM (catJU)

44 Does Johnny Coldcuts get a shirt?

Posted by: mesablue at February 04, 2010 03:56 PM (jc7YC)

45 Terri "Fresh Air" Gross is scrunt of the highest order.

Posted by: dibutler,perpetuallypissed at February 04, 2010 04:00 PM (S3xX1)

46 I did the research as soon as I started coming here.

Posted by: steevy at February 04, 2010 07:55 PM (catJU)

Reasearch. Listen you asshole schtevie, if that's your meme, take that research bullshit with you someplace else. Moron. Research..Pwhett. What do you think this is? D-cuz? What's next? you want fact chechecking and shit.

1st rule of AoS fact club, we don't talk about "facts" at AoS fact club.

Posted by: hutch1200 at February 04, 2010 04:34 PM (eScrM)

47 I've worked with musicians. Mr. Paul Anka is no musician.

He is something more. That's just the way it is around there.

Posted by: Herr Morgenholz at February 04, 2010 04:44 PM (qWLc4)

48 One thing I picked up, you say "Hold that quarter and ******," I guess you couldn't make it out.

It's "hold that quarter and cut it," which I guess means "hold that quarter note and then cut it off."

Actually, it says "Hold this quarter ounce and if you tell them it's mine, I swear I'll cutting your fucking balls off. That's just the way it is around here."

Posted by: Mr. Paul Anka at February 04, 2010 04:47 PM (qWLc4)

In the words of the the immortal Johnny Carson... "heh-heh.. funny stuff.. very funny stuff"

Anka.. the absolute must see act of our generation.

He's sounds like a mutant hybrid of paranoid/bully/oghre.... like Eliot "Fucking Steamroller" Spitzer & Captin Queeg of the Cain Mutimy.

This Anka thing has alway's been a riot.... keep it coming... we need fresh episodes of these tantrums... somebody must have the goods.

Posted by: Last Conservative In Brooklyn at February 04, 2010 05:40 PM (7uAeI)

"You know how I move. When I move, I slice like a fucking hammer."

Did I hear that right?

Posted by: Hairy Palms at February 04, 2010 05:40 PM (C39a6)

51 Heh ... Man of Substance ...

That right there is an anonymous Internet name.

Posted by: Inside Step-Over Toe Hold at February 04, 2010 05:49 PM (4dajf)

52 Now weÂ’re all important in the totality. You donÂ’t care like I care, I donÂ’t need you guys to take my money. Just like that guy last night, that fucked up my crew and weÂ’re short labor Â– I lost out 20 or 30 fuckinÂ’ thousand dollars because my crew got fucked. DÂ’ya understand? You understand where IÂ’m coming from with integrity?

A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

Posted by: Language Maven at February 04, 2010 06:05 PM (4dajf)

53 Herr Morgenholz is correct. Anka is an entertainer, which means he is the Star of the Show. He is the one people pay money to see, not the drummer or bassist or sound man. He probably had hundreds of people relying on him to turn a buck. That is why he is a hard ass. That is what the job requires at times. Ball busting, it's an ugly job, but someone's got to do it.

Posted by: rawmuse at February 04, 2010 06:18 PM (6Kciv)

54 So this is what it's like to be a fly on the wall in an all-guy gathering. I like it. Not being the fly, of course, but just soaking up the unrepentant, politically incorrect, man-humor. This is meant to be a compliment. I love to see men being men with no f-g apologies. keep up the good work. Anka does it, too. ...and the guys take it because they're men. Hey did you hear how the Prez pronounced corpsman? Three times. Corpse-man. Now here's a girly-man if I ever saw one.

Posted by: katemaclaren at February 04, 2010 06:45 PM (HqGZw)

55 as a long-time musician and band leader's prospective, I defended the guy (a few years ago)

Posted by: ms. docweasel at February 04, 2010 08:40 PM (kgwdA)

56 Paul Anka did NOT write "My Way," he adapted it to English. The Anka English lyrics are much more beautiful (and have a completely different meaning) than the original French lyrics. However, the music was never composed by Anka, it's an original French song.

"Comme d'habitude," which would become My Way, was written by Claude Francois and two other Frenchmen after a heartbroken Francois broke up with the pop singer France Gall. Officially, Gilles Thibault gets credit for the lyrics, and Jacques Revaux for the music. Precisely what Francois added to the creative process remains unclear.

read more here:

Few of the nitwits who insist that the song My Way be played at their funerals are aware that this hymn to self-absorption originated with a flamboyant French pop singer who died in his bathtub while changing a light bulb. The long and winding road that would culminate in Frank Sinatra's eternal identification with a song he personally despised begins in the unassuming Egyptian town of Ismailia, where Claude Francois was born in February 1939.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2007/jul/05/popandrock1

Posted by: Ketchup at February 04, 2010 10:31 PM (2L0wG)

57 Hey, I heard David Bowie was commissioned to write the lyrics for the English version of My Way, but the commissioners didn't like his version, so they kicked it over to Anka.

Posted by: ms. docweasel at February 04, 2010 10:55 PM (kgwdA)

It's great revenge when someone on the crew rolls tape on these hairy chest divas. Here's text from Christian Bale's rant, surreptitiously recorded and released by one of the sound engineers:

"Bale: Stay off the ------- set man. For ----- sake. Alright, let's go again.

McG (director): Let's just take a minute.

Bale: Let's not take a ------- minute, let's go again.

Bale: I'm going to ------- kick your ------- ass if you don't shut up for a second! All right?

Unknown voices: Christian, Christian. It's cool.

Bale: I'm going to go... Do you want me to ------- go trash your lights?

Do you want me to ------- trash 'em? Then why are you trashing my scene?

Hurlbut: I'm not trying to trash your scene.

Bale: You are trashing my scene!"

google Christian Bale rant for the full text in the UK Telegraph

Posted by: kallisto at February 05, 2010 06:31 AM (TFw2a)

59 "Where's Joe?" X3 reminds me of Paula Abdul on her short lived show ranting "I. Work. My ass. Off. Jeff. Jeff. Where's Jeff?" Nice to see Hollywood pass on traditions.

Posted by: FeFe at February 05, 2010 06:56 AM (TjlA2)

60 Caesars Palace, Anka called us backstage after there were several mistakes during the first show.
The second show went well and he called us all backstage again and gave us each a $100 chip.

Posted by: Retired Geezer at February 05, 2010 10:10 AM (fhL3h)

61 Hearing this for the first time made me realize I had true moron potential. Still a classic in our house.

What's with all the spam advertising?

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