Ace of Spades HQ

April 20, 2010

John McCain: What Do You Want to Hear Arizona?
— Dave in Texas

It's been quite an impressive week for J-Mac, who decided to re-clarify his position on immigration reform by declaring we have to secure the borders first before we take on comprehensive immigration reform.

"I believe that we can convince our Republican colleagues that we have to secure the border first," McCain said during an appearance on KFYI radio in Arizona. "There's no point of having immigration reform unless you can have the borders secure first."

Convince your colleagues? Hell, you couldn't even convince yourself John.

Kind of odd watching McCain fight harder to hold onto his Senate seat than he did to win the Presidency, but whatever. If you're buying, he's selling.

Last night Exurban Jon suggested that "by week's end, McCain will join the Minutemen". Seedubya joined in with "By week's end, McCain will call Tancredo a"pinko pantywaist who needs to start getting serious about defending our sovereignty" Dave: By this time next week, McCain will have led ICE raids on 37 Arizona businesses yelling "FEDERALES" and "NINGUNA CERVEZA NO PAZ"!

And it was on.

What about you? Got some Moron John McCain Predictions™? Throw em in the comments. The sky's the limit.

Bonus Seedub below the thingy: McCain was last seen disappearing into a drug-smuggling tunnel in Nogales with a machete & a dog-eared copy of The Necronmicon.

That was so good I want to dip my balls in it.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at 04:01 PM | Comments (85)
Post contains 253 words, total size 2 kb.

1 By this time next week John McCain will have apologized to Sarah Palin. By giving her a lovely platter with staffers' heads on it.

Posted by: alexthechick at April 20, 2010 05:04 PM (6Cojl)

2 He'll build the goddamned fence himself before he'll let JD catch him in the polls.

Posted by: Andy at April 20, 2010 05:06 PM (1/HE7)

3 I want to hear you say "Goodbye", John.

Posted by: Arizona at April 20, 2010 05:07 PM (Ncr1R)

4 Breaking ... McCain accuses Sheriff Joe Arpaio of running "country club" jails; Promises to get tough on crime.

Posted by: Andy at April 20, 2010 05:08 PM (1/HE7)

5 That you are quitting, never to be heard from again.

Posted by: dogfish at April 20, 2010 05:08 PM (sGaoh)

6 By this time next week John McCain will declared a right wing extremist and arrested by Janet Napolitano as a threat to national security.

Posted by: conscious, but randomly incoherent at April 20, 2010 05:09 PM (YVZlY)

7 By Monday, McCain will be declared a "growing threat" by the Southern Poverty Law Center. By Tuesday, he'll feed Morris Dees to Arizona tarantulas. (That would be awesome, by the way)

Posted by: UGAdawg at April 20, 2010 05:11 PM (/VjHB)

8 "I believe that we can convince our Republican colleagues that we have to secure the border first," McCain said during an appearance on KFYI radio in Arizona. "There are abominations and blasphemies which must be stamped out, and it may be that your own evil magic will undo you all again. Lindsay, my friend, a man can't tamper with immigration beyond certain limits, and every horror you have woven will rise up to wipe you out.' So in a clear voice Senator John McCain began the formulae: YOG-SOTHOTH 'NGAH'NG AI'Y ZHRO SCOTTSDALE FENCE VIRTUALIS! There had, as he had predicted, been no need for filibuster. For like his accursed campaign a year before, Lindsay Graham and J. D. Hayworth now lay scattered on the floor as a thin coating of fine bluish-grey dust.

Posted by: H. P. Lovecraft at April 20, 2010 05:11 PM (AZGON)

9 If McCain wins, will his conservative act continue?

Posted by: kansas at April 20, 2010 05:12 PM (2kVkH)

10 Next week, John McCain will seek to shut down every Taco Bell in Arizona, declaring: "We don't need no stinking Taco's!".

Posted by: Breaker19 at April 20, 2010 05:12 PM (xU5Oi)

11 This is how low the Republican Party has sunk:

John McCain: "I believe that we can convince our Republican colleagues that we have to secure the border first."

John McCain thinks he can convince his own Republican colleagues that we have to secure our borders.

He's not sure. But he's convinced there may be a chance we can argue and cajole and convince Republicans that the fucking border ought to be secured.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ. We are well and truly fucked as long as these stupid fuckers are leading our political party.

Frankly, I don't think it's in John McCain's prowess to convince Lindsey Graham that we ought to secure our own fucking borders.

Posted by: someguy at April 20, 2010 05:13 PM (VRJIW)

12 McCain on the floor tomorrow "We deal in lead, friend"

Posted by: Dave in Texas at April 20, 2010 05:13 PM (Wh0W+)

13
By next week McCain will volunteer to fly bombing runs over Mexico.

Posted by: Atomic Roach at April 20, 2010 05:16 PM (Oxen1)

14 By week's end John McCain will denounce Lindsey Graham as "Filthy RINO sellout".

Posted by: DrewM. at April 20, 2010 05:17 PM (9B5OK)

15 By the end of April, McCain will demand RFID chips implanted in every gardener and busboy within 500 miles of the Canadian border.

Posted by: George Orwell at April 20, 2010 05:17 PM (AZGON)

I want to hear him say:

I am sorry I told America not to be afraid of Senator Obama. Please take me off you list.

McCain, of course would remain on my list. As would Obama.

Send your candidates MONEY11 eleventy111

Posted by: mghorning at April 20, 2010 05:18 PM (nVAwE)

17 At least John doesn't have to contend with that waxed back, Marco Rubio.

Posted by: Charlie Crist at April 20, 2010 05:19 PM (xU5Oi)

18 By the end of this week, John McCain will introduce legislation mandating that salsa be renamed Freedom Ketchup.

Posted by: See-Dubya at April 20, 2010 05:20 PM (gyvrc)

19 [Monty stops by an HONEST JOHN'S SNACK SHACK, a humble roadside establishment near Gila Bend, AZ.] Monty: Attend, please! I crave a salty snack to satiate my ravening appetite. Honest John: You came to the right place, pilgrim! What'll it be? I've got MexiChips, HispaniRinds, and the ever popular Raza'n'Cheez pretzels. Monty: I note with interest that your snacks seem to be a rather...off-brand...assortment. Honest John: I make 'em myself! And only from the freshest immigrants! Er...I mean ingredients! Monty: I see. How much for yon jerky? It has a rather unwholesome look to it. Honest John: Bosh! My Paco-flavored jerky is a local favorite! Monty: Don't you mean taco flavored? Honest John: Sure, why not? Here, try a piece on the house and tell me if it isn't the most delicious piece of homemade jerky you ever ate! Monty: (Gnaws at the leathery strip of desiccated flesh.) Well, I must say, this is quite piquant. Tangy. But lean! No gristle. Honest John: Well, I run my stock before I slaughter 'em, you see. No lazing around in their pen watching Oprah, gorging on Ho-Ho's and warm beer. And the best thing is, I don't have to pasture 'em! All I have to do is roll by the Home Depot with a HELP WANTED sign and they jump right in the truck! Monty: You disturb me, my good man, but I simply cannot deny myself this delicious comestible. Wrap up five pounds and throw in a couple of bags of Paco-flavored MexiChips. Honest John: Here ya go, friend! Tell your friends: Honest John is all about practical solutions to difficult problems!

Posted by: Monty at April 20, 2010 05:20 PM (O3eFQ)

20 By early May, McCain will lead rallies to surround maternity wards with virtual fences. He will be heard to say "My friends, whether by coyote or stork, we demand control of entry to this great nation."

Posted by: George Orwell at April 20, 2010 05:22 PM (AZGON)

21 By the end of the month John McCain will crash a La Raza convention, grab the mic and shout,

"English motherfuckers, do you speak it?"

Posted by: DrewM. at April 20, 2010 05:23 PM (9B5OK)

22 At dinner, McCain keeps asking every busboy "are you SURE your name's not Alfredo Garcia?"

Posted by: See-Dubya at April 20, 2010 05:23 PM (gyvrc)

23 Don't keep us in suspense, Monty. Are you going to finish the story?

Posted by: Natasha & Boris at April 20, 2010 05:24 PM (ITzbJ)

24 By the end of the week, John McCain will recommend to his Republican colleagues that America should retake the Alamo.

He will encounter stiff resistance from Lindsey Graham.

Posted by: someguy at April 20, 2010 05:25 PM (VRJIW)

25 By the time he has his first debate w/Hayworth, McCain will proclaim...."Illegal aliens? We don't need no stinkin' illegal aliens."

Posted by: DrewM. at April 20, 2010 05:25 PM (9B5OK)

26 If you elect me I will lock my liberal wife in an attic and sell my fat daughter into bondage in Venezuela.

Posted by: John "Barry Goldwater:"McCain at April 20, 2010 05:26 PM (nVAwE)

27 PHOTO AVAILABILITY: Tomorrow 5AM, Senator McCain will don General Pershing's frayed campaign hat and pound claymores into the Sonoran Desert sand

Posted by: See-Dubya at April 20, 2010 05:26 PM (gyvrc)

28 TONIGHT ON THE O'REILLY FACTOR: John McCain and Juan Hernandez will sing "the Ballad of the Alamo" and get all misty-eyed.

Posted by: See-Dubya at April 20, 2010 05:27 PM (gyvrc)

29 The more I see of McCain, the more I detest the stupid old RINO. If he was going to open his yap, it's about 2 years too late. Re-clarifying your position means your position wasn't a position to begin with. This is shameless posturing from a worthless old scrotum lookalike. Retire now, you stupid old fool, with whatever microscopic shreds of dignity you still have. Quit now. F off. Go away forever. Unless you want to pair up with Bob Dole and run for prez again in 2012. Gaaaaa. I hates RINOs.

Posted by: KilltheHippies at April 20, 2010 05:28 PM (VKfXw)

30 Did I just hear McCain say he thinks Mexicans masterminded 9/11? Who is this Khalid Sheikh Martinez he's talking about?

Posted by: See-Dubya at April 20, 2010 05:29 PM (gyvrc)

31 By the end of the week, John McCain will have fired Cindy's pool boy.

Posted by: Breaker19 at April 20, 2010 05:31 PM (xU5Oi)

32 WE NEED PRECINCT AND POLL WORKERS. SIGN UP.

Posted by: mghorning at April 20, 2010 05:31 PM (nVAwE)

33 By May 7, John McCain will be seen lurking around graveyards at midnight, in a Bobcat with a frontloader. Later, authorities will discover several disinterred graves, bearing Hispanic names on their headstones. The investigation will lead to a rental dump truck found abandoned in Nogales, with a horrific cargo. Locals will speak of seeing an "ancient white ghoul" but the Federales dismiss it as superstition.

Posted by: George Orwell at April 20, 2010 05:32 PM (AZGON)

34 Before the end of the week McCain will be arguing that Border Patrol UAVs should be armed with Hellfire missiles.

Before the end of the campaign, McCain will personally push the button to launch one at a van full of illegals.

Posted by: DrewM. at April 20, 2010 05:33 PM (9B5OK)

35 John McCain's after-action report from Battle of Vera Cruz to be read into the Congressional record on Friday.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at April 20, 2010 05:33 PM (Wh0W+)

36 Hey, how about a John McCain lookalike contest? All you need to enter is your scrotum, a Sharpie, and a camera! Fun for the whole family. OK, maybe not that last item.

Posted by: KilltheHippies at April 20, 2010 05:36 PM (VKfXw)

37 I just saw John McCain jumping up and down on top of Mt. Popocatepetl, screaming "YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS!"

Posted by: See-Dubya at April 20, 2010 05:37 PM (gyvrc)

38 Good night! Try the veal! Don't forget to tip your moronbloggers!

Posted by: See-Dubya at April 20, 2010 05:39 PM (gyvrc)

39 John McCain in about 2 weeks, "Woodrow Wilson was an ass. If I were President back then, I'd have followed Pancho Villa to the gates of Hell"

Posted by: DrewM. at April 20, 2010 05:39 PM (9B5OK)

40 The question is: will Republican voters be dumb enough to fall for this transparent BS? I say the odds are better than even they will. Sometimes I think republicans suffer from battered spouse syndrome. They always come back for more.

Posted by: TakeFive at April 20, 2010 05:41 PM (l0hSb)

41 48 hours prior to the election, John McCain will appear as a judge on "Iron Chef America" and declare the jalapeÃ±o to be "the Devil's Cucumber." He will lose his temper and wrestle Masaharu Morimoto to the ground, demanding his "green card and hakimachi."

Posted by: George Orwell at April 20, 2010 05:41 PM (AZGON)

By the end of this week, John McCain will sponsor legislation investigating those three questionable journal entries in the Gadsen Purchase GL account.

WHAT DID YOU BOOK AND WHEN DID YOU BOOK IT?

Posted by: Dave in Texas at April 20, 2010 05:43 PM (Wh0W+)

43 Fight with me! Fight with me! Fight with me mi amigos! Por favor?"

Posted by: Juan McCain at April 20, 2010 05:43 PM (xU5Oi)

44 By this time next week, he'll introduce a bill making English the official language of the United States, and a congressional medal of freedom for CIA interrogators who water-boarded KSM.

Posted by: JCNY at April 20, 2010 05:45 PM (C634M)

45 By this time next week, McCain will insist that Obama refund NASA so that they can provide him the most advanced frickin' lasers for the schools of sharks he's acquired for border moats.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at April 20, 2010 05:45 PM (swuwV)

46 John McCain: Did I say "one Zimmerman telegram?" Shoot, I'll give you three.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at April 20, 2010 05:49 PM (Wh0W+)

47 By this time next week, John McCain will prove his unexcelled alacrity for border security by demanding people present a passport and visa to leave Arizona.

Posted by: George Orwell at April 20, 2010 05:49 PM (AZGON)

48 kansas: "If McCain wins, will his conservative act continue?"

Ahh, rhetoricals. I was ace-ing those back in elementary school.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at April 20, 2010 05:50 PM (swuwV)

49 By this time next week, John McCain will launch an investigation into the immigration status of the Plymouth Colony.

Posted by: George Orwell at April 20, 2010 05:52 PM (AZGON)

50 Hires Ramos and Compean as his security detail.

Posted by: Andy at April 20, 2010 05:54 PM (1/HE7)

51 By this time next week, McCain will sport an "I'm a Bigot" T-shirt and chase Lindsey Graham's gardener around his front yard with a net.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at April 20, 2010 05:54 PM (swuwV)

52 By the middle of next month McCain will wonder aloud..."Why didn't we get the Baja Peninsular during the Mexican-American War? I am going to introduce legislation declaring war on Mexico to correct this injustice."

Posted by: DrewM. at April 20, 2010 05:57 PM (9B5OK)

53 George Orwell@51,

Top notch humor there, racist paleface.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at April 20, 2010 06:02 PM (swuwV)

By Monday McCain will have insisted that all Americans have the right to donate to the politican of their choice whenever they want. Additionally they will be allowed to say what they want.

By Tuesday morning McCain will be seen digging for oil with a blazer on stating Drill Baby Drill and screw the caribou.

By noon McCain will be waterboarding Gramnesty

Posted by: Serfer62 at April 20, 2010 06:18 PM (HLCnI)

55 By the end of next week McCain will be flying non-stop sorties along the Rio Grand in an A-10 Warthog, canopy open, taunting the illegals to "shoot me down motherfuckers! I'll just kick your asses back across!".

Posted by: Unclefacts, AoSHQ Professional Debate Team at April 20, 2010 06:30 PM (erIg9)

56 By the weekend, the "Gang of 14" will be McCain wearing a 26-ear necklace.

Posted by: Dr. Spank at April 20, 2010 06:38 PM (muUqs)

57 By Wednesday, McCain will be personally waterboarding illegal-smugglers and coyotes in the waters of Rio Grande.

Posted by: People's Republic of Baltimore at April 20, 2010 06:43 PM (5HEMF)

58 I think you are right.

Posted by: Supply dental zirconia at April 20, 2010 07:05 PM (0tMwp)

59 Jesus, I hope you're correct supply dental zirconia! You always make the gutsy calls.

Posted by: lopan at April 20, 2010 07:10 PM (Ddmk1)

60 Move along, Supply dental zirconia. This is my side of the street.

Posted by: Lace Wigs at April 20, 2010 07:18 PM (swuwV)

61 Tomorrow morning John McCain will declare Mexican beer to be illegal. Requiring all bottles to be relabeled with a bud sticker. He will also have his wife and daughter declared certifiable insane for their stand on gay marriage.

Posted by: Buffalobob at April 20, 2010 07:18 PM (ubfQ1)

62 By the end of next week Senator McCain will demand that Sarah Palin prove her conservative roots saying "you know she seems a bit lefty to me". After that he punched Lindsay Graham in the nose claiming "He's just a pussy lefty, not like me who's a real conservative. Really. I swear."

Posted by: scr_north at April 20, 2010 07:21 PM (HjCLB)

63 This reminds me of Bob Dole, his presidential campaign in death-spasms, asking "Where's the Outrage?" to a demoralized Republican base.

Posted by: Max Entropy at April 20, 2010 07:29 PM (7FgWm)

64 "Kind of odd watching McCain fight harder to hold onto his Senate seat than he did to win the Presidency, but whatever." THANK YOU I am no Hayworth fan, but Arizona has every reason to put a creep in place of this Mccain character. Really admired his heroism that he has played to the full as a politician and kinda contradicted.

Posted by: Lenient Playstation at April 20, 2010 07:41 PM (dUOK+)

65 McCain will do a Crist, and run as an independent. You heard it here first.

After losing to Hayworth, he'll denounce "racist" Whites who want to live in America not Mexico Norte, and announce his 100% support for Obama's instant Amnesty for about 30 million illegals.

Posted by: whiskey at April 20, 2010 07:42 PM (t3UKO)

66 at end of race will be wearing spats, tri-cornered hat and finally quoting correctly from the Constitution (U.S. that is).....

concession speech will detail not a withdrawal from public life but an actual need to complete a lifelong dream of engineering the perfect nozzle to top off the containers that papa-in-law so graciously left to his trust....

blah..., bla, blahhh...
thank you my friends.

kisses wife....

exits stage left.

Posted by: JAM2 at April 20, 2010 07:54 PM (DCdSz)

67 next up to continue the fight...................!!!

Posted by: JAM2 at April 20, 2010 07:59 PM (DCdSz)

68 O

Posted by: JAM2 at April 20, 2010 07:59 PM (DCdSz)

69 M

Posted by: JAM2 at April 20, 2010 07:59 PM (DCdSz)

70 G

Posted by: JAM2 at April 20, 2010 08:00 PM (DCdSz)

71 !!!

Posted by: JAM2 at April 20, 2010 08:00 PM (DCdSz)

72 MEGHAN !

Posted by: JAM2 at April 20, 2010 08:01 PM (DCdSz)

73 McCain!!!!1111!!!!111!!!!1111!!!!1!!!!

Posted by: JAM2 at April 20, 2010 08:01 PM (DCdSz)

By the end of the week, John McCain will have jumped atop the 1/17 mile long border fence between Arizona and Mexico and screamed at Janet Napolitano, "COME AND GET ME, DIRTY COPPER!"

He will then throw his Panamanian birth certificate into the air and riddle it with bullet holes from his concealed firearm. After which he will proclaim, "That birth certificate is full of fuckin' holes!!"

He'll stop by Tombstone on his way back to his Cottonwood ranch, eat some dust, and wash it down with a cold sasparilla.

Posted by: Dewey at April 20, 2010 08:58 PM (7Akwu)

75 From McCain's campaign site: "John McCain is committed to securing our borders. A secure border is an essential element of our national security and the economic well-being of Arizona and its citizens...John McCain does not support amnesty and believes that we should not reward lawbreakers. Any measure designed to fix the broken immigration system must deal with the undocumented population, and as we all know...We need a practical solution for dealing with undocumented immigrants currently living and working in our country...Our policies must promote robust economic growth...These policies must recognize the importance of a flexible labor market to keep employers in business...John McCain believes an essential component of any comprehensive reform to AmericaÂ’s immigration policy must include the implementation of temporary worker programs that reflect the labor needs of Arizona and the United States." This is all nothing new. It's the same old thing John's been saying. The same old bullshit just wrapped this time in an extra layer of tough talking bacon. "Securing our border first" - "it's not an amnesty" - "business needs a 'flexible' labor market" (so it can piss on you and yours) - etc., etc., etc. Note that "securing the borders" says jack shit about what to do with the 12 million illegals already here.

Posted by: Bubba at April 20, 2010 10:17 PM (tBrQI)

76 By the end of the week Juan McAmnestia will be wearing a sombrero and bandoleers, screaming through a bull horn from the Fast Talk Express Bus Straight to Hell: Votar! Votar! Plata o Plomo!

Posted by: frito bandido ayayay at April 20, 2010 11:51 PM (o/6NB)

77 McCain richly deserves the dumping upon. But to even consider replacing him with Abramoff crook Hayworth, he of the Birther persuasion, who blew a safe GOP House seat and seems incapable of controlling his mouth, means you are just nucking futz, Toots.

Posted by: Adjoran at April 21, 2010 02:33 AM (3hg5M)

78 Hmmm.

At this rate J-Mac will nail himself to a cross to show how turgid is his love of Christ the Redeemer by August.

And I don't believe one single word of anything coming out of J-Mac's mouth. He's spent decades pursuing conservative voters before election and then hammering them afterward.

Time to go J-Mac. Or perhaps j-mac.

Posted by: memomachine at April 21, 2010 03:37 AM (MwCol)

79 Hmmmm

"YOG-SOTHOTH
'NGAH'NG AI'Y
ZHRO SCOTTSDALE FENCE VIRTUALIS! "

Which translated into English reads as:

"Hey man! Did I leave my underwear at your place? Dude I got laid. That party fucking rocked!"

Posted by: memomachine at April 21, 2010 03:39 AM (MwCol)

80 The price of tenure is eternal campaigning.

Posted by: John Barry Morris McCain at April 21, 2010 04:26 AM (N/Bgb)

81 Dental Zirconia? Diamonds in your teeth? Not clicking that.

Posted by: Jay in Ames at April 21, 2010 06:40 AM (UEEex)

Amen to Hayworth's inelectability. A blowhard that's almost as annoying as McCain.

McCain's newest campaign ad will have the world's most interesting man saying "stay in Mexico, my friends".

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