Ace of Spades HQ

May 20, 2010

Roommate Wanted, Must Keep Track Of Individual Bowel Movements
— Ace

No big deal, really. He just wants you to track your pooping.

He's also into riding bikes.

Thanks to Dave @ Garfield Ridge.

Posted by: Ace at 10:45 AM | Comments (331)
Post contains 41 words, total size 1 kb.

1 What happened to Barney Frank's roommate? The ad doesn't say...

Posted by: t-bird at May 20, 2010 10:47 AM (FcR7P)

When he rides those bikes does he use a seat? Or just the post?

'Cause there might be a relationship there.

Jus' sayin'

Posted by: Sean Bannion at May 20, 2010 10:48 AM (sbV1u)

3 So, is this because of something he is researching in his job at the Department of Defense, or part of his Master's Thesis, or is he really just a creepy dude? Perhaps he should buy the "Poo Journal" that I've seen at several stores. It allows you not only to track it but to draw pictures of your favorite bowel movements...

Posted by: ParanoidGirlInSeattle at May 20, 2010 10:48 AM (RZ8pf)

4 So, you're implying that keeping track of your bowel movements isn't a normal activity? What about taking pictures of them and making the occasional sculpture from them?

Posted by: koopy at May 20, 2010 10:49 AM (ctR4U)

5 I read about this in the Obama Care Bill I think?

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 10:49 AM (0GFWk)

6 A poop-recording, kickball playing, Department of Defense researching, grad student?

What could possibly go wrong?

Posted by: DelD at May 20, 2010 10:49 AM (eWtdM)

7 da f*ck.. :\

Posted by: dsfsdfs at May 20, 2010 10:49 AM (jHNjB)

8 It has to be a spoof. Who plays kickball past the age of 10?

Posted by: mare at May 20, 2010 10:50 AM (X1fsj)

9 Let me be the first to suggest a compromise....

Posted by: comatus at May 20, 2010 10:50 AM (/VEEI)

10 Just to get this straight, is this someone that you or D@GR actually know?

Posted by: cthulhu at May 20, 2010 10:50 AM (fYgoq)

11 So when are you moving in with him, Ace?

Srsly? He keeps a "Captain's Log" so to speak?

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 10:50 AM (c0A3e)

HYDEE HO

Posted by: the christmas poo at May 20, 2010 10:51 AM (yf5QI)

13 They screen 'em well at the DoD, don't they?

Posted by: grognard at May 20, 2010 10:51 AM (v0kvW)

14 He's anal. He rides bikes. Hum? Wonder if he plays with his litle green balls?

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 10:51 AM (0GFWk)

15 You mean everybody doesn't keep track of their bowel movements?

Posted by: FUBAR at May 20, 2010 10:51 AM (1fanL)

16 8 It has to be a spoof. Who plays kickball past the age of 10?

My friends. For reals.

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 10:52 AM (c0A3e)

Kickball is actually a big deal here in DC among 20-something Congressional staffers and assorted other strap hangers.

Just try being in a bar with them after a game.

To quote The Great Santini - "God why did you put so many assholes in the world?!?!?!"

Posted by: Sean Bannion at May 20, 2010 10:52 AM (sbV1u)

18 This kind of thing is the norm on Craigslist.

Posted by: slug at May 20, 2010 10:52 AM (n8Nln)

19 Sounds like the poor fella has gone through the painful trauma of a missing bowel movement.
Or one that's moved away and not kept in touch.

Posted by: ontherocks at May 20, 2010 10:52 AM (HBqDo)

20 monday took stinky white castles shit at 9:05am Took another stinky shit at 1pm going to blame that on the White Castles from Sunday night also.. ------------- Tuesday.. Took shit at 2:30pm at work tore up the bathroom, blamed it on co-worker.. bean burrito.

Posted by: dsfsdfs at May 20, 2010 10:53 AM (jHNjB)

21 15 He's anal. He rides bikes. Hum? Wonder if he plays with his litle green balls?

Ahahaha! Cahrles Jhonson might be interested then.

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 10:53 AM (c0A3e)

Srsly? He keeps a "Captain's Log" so to speak?

Captain's Log! Thanks. I now have a computer monitor covered in Diet Coke. How about a warning next time?

But...damn funny.

Posted by: Sean Bannion at May 20, 2010 10:53 AM (sbV1u)

It's just a simple checklist, really.

Why's everyone poo-pooing this??

Posted by: laceyunderalls at May 20, 2010 10:53 AM (pLTLS)

24 monday

took stinky white castles shit at 9:05am

Took another stinky shit at 1pm going to blame that on the White Castles from Sunday night also..

-------------

Tuesday.. Took shit at 2:30pm at work tore up the bathroom, blamed it on co-worker.. bean burrito

Posted by: dsfsdfs at May 20, 2010 10:54 AM (jHNjB)

25 Hey I guarantee you that when ever I go to the reading room, you'll know. You'll know.

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 10:54 AM (0GFWk)

26 Who plays kickball past the age of 10?

Posted by: mare at May 20, 2010 02:50 PM (X1fsj)

me and my friends are in an adult league. We're also in a dodge ball league (and then the typical softball beer league)

Posted by: fartbubble at May 20, 2010 10:55 AM (gAmQ1)

27 Sometimes he's nutty
Sometimes he's corny
He can be brown or greenish brown
But if you eat fibers on Christmas Eve
He might come to your town

Posted by: FUBAR at May 20, 2010 10:55 AM (1fanL)

What could possibly go wrong?

DependsÂ™.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at May 20, 2010 10:56 AM (QMtmy)

It's just a simple checklist, really.

Why's everyone poo-pooing this??

Posted by: laceyunderalls at May 20, 2010 02:53 PM (pLTLS)

Pretty sure we should shit-can the whole idea.

Posted by: FUBAR at May 20, 2010 10:56 AM (1fanL)

I'm struggling to come up with any legitimate reason someone would demand that a roommate would log their shits.

"You took 12.4% more dumps per week than I did! You owe me an extra 19 cents for your share of the TP! Pay up!"

Posted by: Hollowpoint at May 20, 2010 10:57 AM (plsiE)

31 Well, he'll have plenty of material for Everyone Sculpt Mohammed Day.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at May 20, 2010 10:58 AM (UOM48)

32 I read somewhere that Tom Tom is working on software that allows you to track your shit ( slang version of BM), when you're traveling.
I think it's called Road Apps.

Posted by: ontherocks at May 20, 2010 10:58 AM (HBqDo)

33 Hey North Korea craps all over us and doesn't right it down?

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 10:59 AM (0GFWk)

Pretty sure we should shit-can the whole idea.

Agreed. Only a little turd monkey would come up with something this assinine.

Posted by: laceyunderalls at May 20, 2010 10:59 AM (pLTLS)

35 #29 He might turn out to be a mad surgeon, like the guy in this trailer.

The Human Centipede Trailer

/Saw this horror on Empire of Jeff's blog.

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 10:59 AM (c0A3e)

When you're fecally obsessed
and it splatters on your chest...

When your tummyÂ’s feeling funny
and your pants are hot nÂ’ runny...

When youÂ’re shopping at the store
and itÂ’s dripping on the floor...

When youÂ’re dancinÂ’ to the Clash
And you feel something splash

Posted by: Dr. Varno at May 20, 2010 10:59 AM (QMtmy)

37 It's just a Baby Ruth.

Posted by: Fickle Fecal Fetishist at May 20, 2010 10:59 AM (SwjAj)

38 That is stretching the term Capitol Hill a little far. What a miserable little dump of an apartment.

Posted by: Jean at May 20, 2010 11:00 AM (h0rZ/)

39 We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted flatulence, whether sought or unsought, by man's digestion complex!

Posted by: President Dewy Johnson at May 20, 2010 11:01 AM (zgd5N)

Agreed. Only a little turd monkey would come up with something this assinine.

Posted by: laceyunderalls at May 20, 2010 02:59 PM (pLTLS)

It'd probably end up being the turd in the punch bowl to any prospective roommate.

Posted by: FUBAR at May 20, 2010 11:01 AM (1fanL)

41 It allows you not only to track it but to draw pictures of your favorite bowel movements...

Posted by: ParanoidGirlInSeattle at May 20, 2010 02:48 PM (RZ8pf)

How about just a quick picture of it with your cell phone?

Posted by: conscious, but quite incoherent at May 20, 2010 11:01 AM (YVZlY)

42 I don't have a chart on my bathroom wall. I have a poster of Jar Jar Binks from an old Rolling Stone magazine.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at May 20, 2010 11:01 AM (QMtmy)

43 39 It's just a Baby Ruth.

It's no big deal!

Posted by: Bill Murray at May 20, 2010 11:03 AM (c0A3e)

44

why is this considered weird?

Posted by: Howard Hughes at May 20, 2010 11:03 AM (UaxA0)

45 Sure, his ex-roommate "moved to another town." I think that may be code for "got the hell out of the crazy shit-stalker's apartment."

Posted by: huerfano at May 20, 2010 11:03 AM (Updet)

46 33 I read somewhere that Tom Tom is working on software that allows you to track your shit ( slang version of BM), when you're traveling.
I think it's called Road Apps Apples.

Posted by: ontherocks at May 20, 2010 02:58 PM (HBqDo)

FIFY.

Posted by: conscious, but quite incoherent at May 20, 2010 11:03 AM (YVZlY)

47 Maybe I missed something, but perhaps this really odd guy is a really odd girl? The "but sometimes like to stay home and watch a movie" rings a bit like the prototypical dating site ad from the ladies that has the obligatory "Just as comfortable dressing up to go out as staying at home for a movie." Maybe that chick from Single, White Female has "lost" another one...

Posted by: poopster at May 20, 2010 11:03 AM (zfXF7)

48 Dude's obviously a serial killer. This is the tenth add like this in the past three years.

Posted by: ontherocks at May 20, 2010 11:03 AM (HBqDo)

49 OT, Sheppie's is shrieking about the gulf again. I can't stand that shrill bitch.

Posted by: huerfano at May 20, 2010 11:04 AM (Updet)

50 Works for DoD, keeps obsessive track of shit...Logistics guy for the Air Force?

Posted by: joncelli at May 20, 2010 11:04 AM (RD7QR)

51 I'm watch YOU poop, too, buddy.

Posted by: Jeff Goldblum at May 20, 2010 11:05 AM (mHQ7T)

52 Humanure. Human compost. I crap you not... http://bit.ly/81xUs0 "Sawdust toilet." I call it a bucket shitter. Hippies, God love 'em. What will they think of next?

Posted by: Sped at May 20, 2010 11:05 AM (00dNX)

53 Maybe he's a competitive shitter. What do you win if you get 90+?

Posted by: Joanie (Oven Gloves) at May 20, 2010 11:06 AM (HaYO4)

54
Keeping track of dumps with just a checklist? I use a toilet seat insert, a digital camera, a small kitchen scale and a checklist. He's doing it wrong.

Posted by: Dang at May 20, 2010 11:06 AM (UA4gE)

JackM lives in DC doesn't he?

Just sayin!

Posted by: EC at May 20, 2010 11:06 AM (mAhn3)

56 I'd be checking for cameras under the toilet seat. Seems like the logical next step.

Posted by: huerfano at May 20, 2010 11:06 AM (Updet)

57 48 33 I read somewhere that Tom Tom is working on software that allows you to track your shit ( slang version of BM), when you're traveling.
I think it's called Road Apps Apples.

Posted by: ontherocks at May 20, 2010 02:58 PM (HBqDo)

FIFY.

48 Well Duh. (not D'oh)

Posted by: ontherocks at May 20, 2010 11:07 AM (HBqDo)

58
Wait.

Fred was on David fucking Letterman, yesterday?

Posted by: Mr. Slate at May 20, 2010 11:08 AM (uFokq)

59 Shart Chart
6:35am
0.45 Courics
Outside Temp 22Â°F
Note: Almost blew an o-ring.

Posted by: Defense Guy at May 20, 2010 11:08 AM (zgd5N)

60 If the Captain's log is for TP tracking, he/she/it would just love to room with Sheryl Crow, as she only uses one sheet at a time.

I work at the Department of Defense as a researcher and I'm also pursuing a Master's Degree at Georgetown.

Who has time to do both, unless this Master's Degree is in English? Any ideas?

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 11:08 AM (c0A3e)

61 This is kinda like the movie "Year One". The joke was good for 5 minutes but a 90 minute movie not so much?

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 11:09 AM (0GFWk)

62 I had a roommate back in the day who was bat shit crazy. Seemed like a normal, attractive person......stalked an ex-boyfriend for a year. Constantly believed she had some terminal illness, etc. I could almost see her doing this.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at May 20, 2010 11:09 AM (UOM48)

63 WTF?

and if somebody will let the guy know for me to put a checkmark for about 10 minutes ago. Thanks.

Posted by: Guy Fawkes at May 20, 2010 11:09 AM (7VvJB)

64 My old next-door neighbor used to post fake ads on the Craigslist as a joke. He showed me one that was a casting call for a rap music video. It was headlined "Need Wimmens with Ass Like Horse."

Posted by: MikeO at May 20, 2010 11:09 AM (lBmZl)

65 5th St NE? I think that area is a little rough.

Posted by: The Chicken at May 20, 2010 11:09 AM (2+9Yx)

66 Jean's right, calling 5th and H "Capitol Hill" is a bit much.

Posted by: joncelli at May 20, 2010 11:10 AM (RD7QR)

67 You mean everybody doesn't keep track of their bowel movements?

Posted by: FUBAR

Uh. This means that this sterling example of government employment wants to indirectly keep track of other people's movements. Wow. they really do want to regulate everything

Posted by: Blue Hen at May 20, 2010 11:10 AM (R2fpr)

68 56 Keeping track of dumps with just a checklist? I use a toilet seat insert, a digital camera, a small kitchen scale and a checklist. He's doing it wrong.

Piker. I actually have that Hodgins guy from Bones check each log for potential parasites and their specific gravity.

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 11:10 AM (c0A3e)

69 0.45 Courics

You pansy.

Posted by: FUBAR at May 20, 2010 11:10 AM (1fanL)

70 Do wet farts count?

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 11:11 AM (0GFWk)

71 No turd is illegal!!

Posted by: Philip Calderon at May 20, 2010 11:11 AM (4Kl5M)

"Need Wimmens with Ass Like Horse."

Huh. So you roommate met FLOTUS back in the day, huh?

Posted by: laceyunderalls at May 20, 2010 11:11 AM (pLTLS)

73 Just got back from the head! Put me down for a checkmark!

Posted by: Gerry Owen at May 20, 2010 11:11 AM (W7JkV)

74 I had a roommate back in the day who was bat shit crazy. Seemed like a normal, attractive person......stalked an ex-boyfriend for a year. Constantly believed she had some terminal illness, etc. I could almost see her doing this.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at May 20, 2010 03:09 PM (UOM4

Uh-huh. And now your "roommate" just happens to be a frequent poster on AoSHQ, right?

Posted by: FUBAR at May 20, 2010 11:12 AM (1fanL)

75 You mean everybody doesn't keep track of their bowel movements?

Some fucking hobo on MetroBus last year obviously didn't track his BM long enough to remember to wipe. Either that or he wasn't finished yet.

Posted by: MikeO at May 20, 2010 11:12 AM (lBmZl)

One of those beer snobs, I see. Oh, the duality of enjoying Mr. Everyman's favorite beverage, only to refine one's palate to the point of appreciation for the good ones. Well, I like wine in a box, so take that.

Posted by: FireHorse at May 20, 2010 11:12 AM (cQyWA)

77 I had a colleague that showed me some sort of chart. I though it had to do with a science experiment of some sort. He was recording his volumetric evacuation after surgery. Terrible.

Posted by: Sped at May 20, 2010 11:12 AM (00dNX)

78 FUBAR@76 heh

Posted by: Jane D'oh at May 20, 2010 11:12 AM (UOM48)

79 At my house we call them democrats.

As in "I am going to take a democrat"

Shit=democrat. Same thing.

Posted by: Kemp at May 20, 2010 11:13 AM (2+9Yx)

80 Do wet farts count?

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 03:11 PM (0GFWk)

Depends on whether you wiped.

Posted by: FUBAR at May 20, 2010 11:13 AM (1fanL)

81 And just a checkmark? What if you need to dump more than once in a day? Do they then need to time-stamped? Is their independent verification of the log?

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 11:13 AM (c0A3e)

82 52 Works for DoD, DoDy keeps obsessive track of shit...Logistics guy for the Air Force?

Posted by: ParisParamus at May 20, 2010 11:13 AM (GgR+e)

This might be like phone sex or a pornographic novel to a scat freak. Maybe he takes the list into his room at night.

Posted by: Joanie (Oven Gloves) at May 20, 2010 11:14 AM (HaYO4)

84 DooDy

Posted by: ParisParamus at May 20, 2010 11:14 AM (GgR+e)

85 Do wet farts count? Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 03:11 PM (0GFWk) Depends on whether you wiped. Posted by: FUBAR at May 20, 2010 03:13 PM (1fanL) You wipe?

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 11:14 AM (0GFWk)

86 #83

Perfect

Posted by: Sanchez's Mustache at May 20, 2010 11:14 AM (2+9Yx)

87 What if you need to dump more than once in a day?

You should try Fit For Life.

Posted by: FUBAR at May 20, 2010 11:14 AM (1fanL)

88 #78 Well, I like wine in a box, so take that.

Ever have any of 7-11's wines?

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 11:14 AM (c0A3e)

89 [Kirk]: Hey, Spock! Come in here a look at this! [Spock]: Er...I'm busy doing a sector-scan now, Captain. [Kirk]: Let Uhura do it! You gotta see this! [Spock]: (Sotto voce, to Uhura) How come I have to look at his human fecal extrusions? Why not you or Chekov or Sulu? Sulu always seems to get a kick out of it.... [Uhura]: (Shuddering) There is no way in hell I'm going in there, Spock. The last time I had to go throw up. I'm serious. He made me take a picture of it and put it on the bulletin board in the ship's forward lounge. [Spock]: I thought that was a picture of the Horta. You know, that lava-monster? I don't even want to know what he's been eating to make something that would look like that! [Kirk]: (Insistently) Come on, Spock! It's starting to break apart! [Spock]: (Muttering) Dammit. (Aloud) Be right there, Captain! (To the bridge crew) You fuckers owe me for this!

Posted by: Monty at May 20, 2010 11:15 AM (4Pleu)

Speaking of dropping loads....

Did anyone notice the pic of meechelle talking to the little kids yesterday?

She was sitting just like she would on a toilet and even had the facial expressions one makes while taking the browns to the super bowl...so if anyone's ever wondered what she looked like while squeezing one out, you don't have to wonder anymore.

Posted by: Bret Michaels Wig at May 20, 2010 11:15 AM (s3LK6)

91 You wipe?

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 03:14 PM (0GFWk)

Depends on how wet the fart is.

Posted by: FUBAR at May 20, 2010 11:16 AM (1fanL)

92 @93 Brain bleach please. Seriously.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at May 20, 2010 11:16 AM (UOM48)

93 Look he's just a regular guy and he can prove it. It's just a checklist
read newspaper - yes,
pooped - yes,
recycled newspaper - yes
washed hands - maybe

I mean it's not like he's asking you to weigh it or sculpt it into little Mohammad tchotchkes. That takes time. Trust me, it takes a lot of time.

Posted by: FPC at May 20, 2010 11:16 AM (aC6Za)

94 I did not know that Dr. Sheldon Cooper needed another roommate.

Posted by: alexthechick at May 20, 2010 11:17 AM (8WZWv)

95 #90 You should try Fit For Life.

Death before healthy eating!

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 11:17 AM (c0A3e)

96
The first thing Spock would say would be a sarcastic, "Fascinating."

Posted by: Mr. Slate at May 20, 2010 11:18 AM (uFokq)

97 Dear roommate,

I am confused. I thought it was going to be a normal dump, but it came out a calderone. should it be counted as two or should this one remain "undocumented". And really, there is no need to show me your "papers" in the future.

Oh yeah, were out of mayonnaise.

Thanks.

Posted by: your crappy roomy at May 20, 2010 11:18 AM (7VvJB)

Dude,

I didn't have a pencil, so I crapped in your bed as a reminder. Please put me down for one dump when you get a chance.

Peace.

Posted by: mark c at May 20, 2010 11:18 AM (SBIko)

99 Death before healthy eating!

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 03:17 PM (c0A3e)

The shits are to die for.

Posted by: FUBAR at May 20, 2010 11:19 AM (1fanL)

100 maybe he is in charge of BM managment at the department of defense.

Posted by: Ben at May 20, 2010 11:19 AM (wuv1c)

101

Dude,

I didn't have a pencil, so I crapped in your bed as a reminder. Please put me down for one dump when you get a chance.

Peace.

Posted by: mark c at May 20, 2010 03:18 PM (SBIko)

I nominate for Thread Winner.

Posted by: FUBAR at May 20, 2010 11:20 AM (1fanL)

102

It's a request for a simple checkmark

what's the big deal, really?

Posted by: crap dragon at May 20, 2010 11:20 AM (yf5QI)

103

Am i the first to do it? Really? at AoSHQ? No one else?

This man is clearly in charge of preventing a Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids

Posted by: Ben at May 20, 2010 11:20 AM (wuv1c)

104

_{I did not know that Dr. Sheldon Cooper needed another roommate.}

Is that the guy who's Seven Year Old Daughter has Giant Bowel Movements?

I love that infomercial.

Posted by: PM Netanyahu at May 20, 2010 11:21 AM (/emsw)

105 2 So, is this because of something he is researching in his job at the Department of Defense, or part of his Master's Thesis, or is he really just a creepy dude? Perhaps he should buy the "Poo Journal" that I've seen at several stores. It allows you not only to track it but to draw pictures of your favorite bowel movements...

Maybe he's helping the government study the appropriate amount of toilet paper we citizens will be allotted each day.

Posted by: Pyrocles at May 20, 2010 11:21 AM (xzSvW)

106 It puts the poop into the toilet.

Posted by: Buffalo Bill at May 20, 2010 11:21 AM (aC6Za)

107 Does a blumpkin get special consideration? ...just asking.

Posted by: Fritz at May 20, 2010 11:21 AM (GwPRU)

108 Well for what it's worth, I can back up almost any toilet.

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 11:22 AM (0GFWk)

109 OT: Senate closes off debate on financial reform bill. DJIA at -244.64. Although correlation is not causation. Necessarily.

Posted by: joncelli at May 20, 2010 11:22 AM (RD7QR)

110

Dude,

I didn't have a pencil, so I crapped in your bed as a reminder. Please put me down for one dump when you get a chance.

Peace.

Posted by: mark c at May 20, 2010 03:18 PM (SBIko)

That's funny dude. Reminds me of the time one of my cousins got all fucked up, his wife woke up in the middle of the night to find him standing on the bed and pissing on her dresser. The next day his wife was pissed and bitching, he laughed and said "you should be glad I didn't have to shit".

Posted by: Bret Michaels Wig at May 20, 2010 11:22 AM (s3LK6)

111

_{I nominate for Thread Winner.}

Kratos at #11 with the 'Captain's Log'.

#1- with a Bullet.

Posted by: PM Netanyahu at May 20, 2010 11:22 AM (/emsw)

112 A poop-recording, kickball playing, Department of Defense researching, grad student?

What could possibly go wrong?

Posted by: DelD at May 20, 2010 02:49 PM (eWtdM)

Don't forget the peace sign.

Posted by: Hillary's Hubby at May 20, 2010 11:23 AM (xxgag)

113 How much do it pay. I be eaten alots lately and if be piding byes the pond I be raking in thee buks....

Posted by: LaQuisha LargeAss from South Central Los Angeles at May 20, 2010 11:23 AM (k7Ddt)

114
A scat thread, Ace? Really? The morons may never leave.

Posted by: Dang Straights at May 20, 2010 11:24 AM (fx8sm)

115
76 I had a roommate back in the day who was bat shit crazy. Seemed like a normal, attractive person......stalked an ex-boyfriend for a year. Constantly believed she had some terminal illness, etc. I could almost see her doing this.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at May 20, 2010 03:09 PM (UOM4

Uh-huh. And now your "roommate" just happens to be a frequent poster on AoSHQ, right?

Now FUBAR, be nice. It's the same roommate Jane had that she would only see near the windows at night and behind those other "windows" inside that just sort of hung on the walls. You know, the ones that don't open and you can't get through.

That roommate who looked a lot like Jane, but had her hair parted the other way.

Posted by: s'moron at May 20, 2010 11:24 AM (UaxA0)

116 #1- with a Bullet. Posted by: PM Netanyahu at May 20, 2010 03:22 PM (/emsw) Bibi! When are you guys taking care of Iran, anyway?

Posted by: joncelli at May 20, 2010 11:24 AM (RD7QR)

117

This reminds me of how parents of babies will often obsess over the baby poop. Is it supposed to be that color? Etc. And then they talk about it. Frequently. In public.

Thankfully my ex and I were not that type of parent. Well, except for one time when our son had a massive one, I mean we are talking epic, and my ex commented "that's my boy!"

Posted by: ParanoidGirlInSeattle at May 20, 2010 11:25 AM (RZ8pf)

118 [Kirk]: What'd I tell you, Spock? A masterpiece of ass-art! [Spock]: Er...ah...yes. Indeed. May I inquire as to why you defecated in the corner of the room rather than in the proper receptacle? [Kirk]: I wanted to go where no man has gone before! Get it? Because no one has ever pooped there! [Spock]: Yes, Captain, I understand. Rather a play on words. What certain humans would think quite humorous. [Kirk]: (Sighing and adjusting his tunic.) Well, back to work. Get that with a bucket and sponge, would you, Spock? And use some of that solvent Scotty keeps down in Engineering on the stain. [Spock]: (Under his breath.) You will die in your sleep tonight, you sick bastard. [Kirk]: What's that? [Spock]: Nothing, sir. [Kirk]: Well, hop to it! We're due at Altair IV for some kind of Starfleet thingie shortly, and I want this bathroom ship-shape and Bristol-fashion! [Spock]: Aye, you soul-crushing dullard. [Kirk]: What's that? [Spock]: Just Pon-Farr me right now, okay? I live in hell and pray for the sweet release that only death may bring.

Posted by: Monty at May 20, 2010 11:25 AM (4Pleu)

119 Hey, it could be part of the lease, for all than any of you morons know. Two dumps per day. He/she is generous enough to share the allotment instead of forcing you to hold it until you go to work.

Posted by: bigpinkfluffybunny at May 20, 2010 11:26 AM (KWhJd)

120

_{Bibi! When are you guys taking care of Iran, anyway?}

The Iranian Mullahs have been dutifuly recording their bowel movements. I think Syria might be the first domino to fall with Hezbollah this summer.

Stay tuned...and remember to get your daily dose of fiber.

Posted by: PM Netanyahu at May 20, 2010 11:27 AM (/emsw)

121 I've been thinking of moving out east, I bag all my own poop... hope we can work something out, call me.

Posted by: shoey at May 20, 2010 11:27 AM (yCH89)

122 He/she is generous enough to share the allotment instead of forcing you to hold it until you go to work. Posted by: bigpinkfluffybunny at May 20, 2010 03:26 PM (KWhJd) Well once you get married, that is always how it is anyway?

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 11:27 AM (0GFWk)

123 #120 Bibi! When are you guys taking care of Iran, anyway?

I'm hoping soon, although it will lead to only chaos in the end.

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 11:27 AM (c0A3e)

124 RealLeaderofMenPuppehtOFF!

Posted by: garrett at May 20, 2010 11:27 AM (/emsw)

125

Wig,

taking the browns to the super bowl

Probably an old phrase, but new to me.

I lol'd. Heartily.

Posted by: s'moron at May 20, 2010 11:28 AM (UaxA0)

126 Could pooping too many times/day lead to a "Can Ban"?

Posted by: runningrn at May 20, 2010 11:28 AM (CfmlF)

127

New thread, purdy please.

This one stinks!!

Posted by: laceyunderalls at May 20, 2010 11:29 AM (pLTLS)

128 So what if you have some buddies over for the big game? do they checkmark also?

Posted by: Guy Fawkes at May 20, 2010 11:29 AM (7VvJB)

129 That's just messed up.

Posted by: jewells at May 20, 2010 11:30 AM (l/N7H)

130 #126 ~ yep, once the deed is done.....no more delicacy around your SO.

==============

One other question.....say it's a two-flusher. Does that count for two turds or do you just get credit for one?

Posted by: bigpinkfluffybunny at May 20, 2010 11:31 AM (KWhJd)

131 That's just messed up. Posted by: jewells at May 20, 2010 03:30 PM (l/N7H) That's what they make plungers for after all?

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 11:31 AM (0GFWk)

132 So what if you have some buddies over for the big game? do they checkmark also? That situation doesn't happen often, or...ever

Posted by: checkmark guy at May 20, 2010 11:32 AM (4Kl5M)

133 132 So what if you have some buddies over for the big game? do they checkmark also? Posted by: Guy Fawkes at May 20, 2010 03:29 PM (7VvJB) They count toward your monthly quota. Win/win!

Posted by: joncelli at May 20, 2010 11:32 AM (RD7QR)

134

I wonder what his ex roommate has to say.

Posted by: Ben at May 20, 2010 11:33 AM (wuv1c)

135 Next thing you know, you gringos will want to keep track of the bowel movements we send over the border every minute!

Posted by: Druglord Calderon at May 20, 2010 11:34 AM (VmtE9)

136

Next on Wolf Blitzer's "Shit U Waitin' Room" rude roomates who don't document their big jobs and the ensuing aftermass.

Posted by: runningrn at May 20, 2010 11:34 AM (CfmlF)

137

"It was headlined "Need Wimmens with Ass Like Horse.""

THAT WAS PHONY?

Posted by: M'cel Obama at May 20, 2010 11:34 AM (XiVKO)

138

Perhaps we're judging this man too harshly. Perhaps he has a very small septic tank and he needs to monitor how full it's getting so he doesn't experience a "Code Brown" in the house.

Posted by: runningrn at May 20, 2010 11:35 AM (CfmlF)

139

I wonder what his ex roommate has to say.

I'M ALL CRAPPED OUT

Posted by: vegas at May 20, 2010 11:36 AM (yf5QI)

140 Keeping track of dumps with just a checklist? I use a toilet seat insert, a digital camera, a small kitchen scale and a checklist. He's doing it wrong.

Posted by: Dang at May 20, 2010 03:06 PM (UA4gE)

Still unimpressive. I mean yes you have better evidence, but still unusable for later scientific exploits.

I save and label all my excrement in individual containers in the walk-in freezer I had installed for just such a purpose.

Later generations can not just see my poop and know it's weight on July 7th, 1994, but can actually appreciate the aroma and determine the specific density and texture changes.

For SCIENCE! Or, you know, insanity. I can't always tell why I do things.

Posted by: Gekkobear at May 20, 2010 11:36 AM (2szs8)

141 The Financial Reform bill just clear cloture in the Senate ... lets talk about some real shit.

Posted by: Jean at May 20, 2010 11:36 AM (PjevJ)

142 I just read the sidebar about the British girl who broke off a toilet brush handle in her butt when she was drunk and fell on it. Good God.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at May 20, 2010 11:37 AM (UOM48)

143 . . .

. . .

. . .

why? . . .

Posted by: MikeTheMoose at May 20, 2010 11:37 AM (chPp1)

144

Ever have any of 7-11's wines?

Nope. I don't live near a 7-11.

I did a little travelling this past weekend, however, and I visited a 7-11. I didn't notice any wine, bit I noticed that the trash can inside the store had "trash" written in English and in Spanish, and that pissed me off a little. This store was in the Northeast, just outside a big city. Now don't get me wrong: There are some things that make sense to print in several languages: warning labels, fire routes, etc. I'm won't quibble about language when safety is the issue. I even understand when it comes to just trying to sell stuff -- messages in French or Spanish that tout how soft the toilet paper is, or something.

Buy why on earth does the trash can need to be bilingual?

Posted by: FireHorse at May 20, 2010 11:38 AM (cQyWA)

145 and if somebody will let the guy know for me to put a checkmark for about 10 minutes ago. Thanks.

Posted by: Guy Fawkes

This would make a novel activity for us Morons. We can take bets on how long before he's buried under piles of reports of ....well, you know.

Posted by: Blue Hen at May 20, 2010 11:38 AM (R2fpr)

146 138I wonder what his ex roommate has to say.

After I caught him trying to slip Rohypnol in my beer for a 3rd time, I knew it was time to bid him adieu.

Never got a clear answer as to what happened to his past 2 roommates. I remember hearing him ruffling in the basement more than a few nights screaming "Did you guys really think the Captain's Log could be altered without me knowing it?!" though. WTF does that mean?

Posted by: The ex-roommate at May 20, 2010 11:38 AM (c0A3e)

147

p.s. do you have a beddai?

and is that beddai well designed and of sound construction?

and the beddai, is it insured?

Posted by: shoey at May 20, 2010 11:38 AM (yCH89)

148

If that were my roommate, I wouldn't flush, hence no reason to check the list.

Posted by: booter at May 20, 2010 11:39 AM (eimUK)

149 Ace's Pooh-Fu is strong today.

Posted by: runningrn at May 20, 2010 11:39 AM (CfmlF)

150
funny how things end up jammed in one's arse when one 'falls down' or 'slips,' isn't it?

Posted by: Mr. Slate at May 20, 2010 11:39 AM (uFokq)

151 I bag all my own poop... hope we can work something out, call me.

Speaking of bagging poop

Posted by: Buzzsaw at May 20, 2010 11:39 AM (tf9Ne)

152 Once this kid got his shit together at the crib, he earned his BS at Georgetown.

Posted by: ontherocks at May 20, 2010 11:40 AM (HBqDo)

153 Hey some of you people here act as if you never slept in a barracks with 50 other guys?

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 11:40 AM (0GFWk)

154 145 The Financial Reform bill just clear cloture in the Senate ... lets talk about some real shit. Unfortunately, Scott Brown was the 60th vote to end debate.

Posted by: runningrn at May 20, 2010 11:40 AM (CfmlF)

155 Do not go in there!

Posted by: ace ventura at May 20, 2010 11:40 AM (U0lNn)

156
The best was the vicar who fell off the ladder while putting up curtains and just so happened to land on a potato which got firmly and deeply inserted into his rectum.

Posted by: Mr. Slate at May 20, 2010 11:41 AM (uFokq)

157 Unfortunately, Scott Brown was the 60th vote to end debate. Posted by: runningrn at May 20, 2010 03:40 PM (CfmlF) Was he really?

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 11:41 AM (0GFWk)

158 Oh shit.

Posted by: jewells at May 20, 2010 11:42 AM (l/N7H)

159 IRRELEVANT!!!
IRRELEVANT!!!
IRRELEVANT!!!

Posted by: Charles Johnson at May 20, 2010 11:43 AM (Q0I3E)

160 Yes, with the Maine sisters of course. Two Dims voted against - Feingold and Cantwell; for who knows what - bill probably wasn't crazy enough for them.

Posted by: Jean at May 20, 2010 11:43 AM (JaO+v)

161 My mind struggles just to find a legitimate reason why someone would keep such a log for themselves. My mind comes off the rail trying to define a reason for keeping the same record for a roommate.

:~/

Posted by: MikeTheMoose at May 20, 2010 11:43 AM (chPp1)

162 This vote needs to be logged.

Posted by: Blue Hen at May 20, 2010 11:43 AM (R2fpr)

163 Was he really?

Yes. And, don't forget, he was #60 for the "jobs" bill.

But he probably doesn't know who Alex Jones is, so America is saved.

Posted by: oblig. at May 20, 2010 11:44 AM (x7Ao8)

164 145 The Financial Reform bill just clear cloture in the Senate ... lets talk about some real shit.

Damn. Yep, some real shit.

And where we all do that is where we're going to take it hard once this abomination passes.

Posted by: The ex-roommate at May 20, 2010 11:44 AM (c0A3e)

165

What is this guy, a Greek poop counter trolling for ass?

Posted by: Fish at May 20, 2010 11:45 AM (M5t+h)

166

Hey some of you people here act as if you never slept in a barracks with 50 other guys?

Hey! I take umbrage at that gross mischaracterization!

Posted by: Madonna's Vajayjay at May 20, 2010 11:46 AM (CfmlF)

167 Damn, dirty sock!

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 11:47 AM (c0A3e)

168 while we're on this fine topic, what's the DJIA doing now? Has it swirled the bowl yet? Been added to the Captains' log? Been teepee'd?

Posted by: Blue Hen at May 20, 2010 11:48 AM (R2fpr)

169 Down -301. So, yes, it's circling the drain.

Posted by: joncelli at May 20, 2010 11:49 AM (RD7QR)

170 I dropped Mohammed off at the wudu!

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at May 20, 2010 11:49 AM (8lCJT)

171 #174 -293.15.

Wonder what further damage the financial bill is going to do?

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 11:49 AM (c0A3e)

172 while we're on this fine topic, what's the DJIA doing now? Posted by: Blue Hen at May 20, 2010 03:48 PM (R2fpr) About as good as the NY Mets

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 11:50 AM (0GFWk)

173 I poop in his general direction

Posted by: logprof at May 20, 2010 11:50 AM (Mmw0q)

174 Perhaps he should buy the "Poo Journal" that I've seen at several stores.

PGiS, , ick, what kind of stores are you hanging out in?

I don't recall seeing those in my local Barnes & Noble.

Posted by: VKI at May 20, 2010 11:51 AM (LZK9H)

175 Wonder what further damage the financial bill is going to do? Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 03:49 PM (c0A3e) It's got about 10,000 points to play with

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 11:51 AM (0GFWk)

176

Down -301. So, yes, it's circling the drain.

Obviously, this is a direct result of the failed policies of George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan. Capitalism is an abject failure. Tax cuts for the rich resulted in all the current unemployment and downward trends in the economy.

Posted by: MFM at May 20, 2010 11:51 AM (CfmlF)

177 Hey, Assman!

Posted by: Cosmo Kramer at May 20, 2010 11:51 AM (7VvJB)

178

Oh man. This reminds me of an old blog-story I read years ago about a guy who had a roommate who went absolutely bat-shit loco over the course of a semester in college. The author was lucky enough that the two-bedroom apartment was on the 1st floor, and his bedroom had a sliding-glass door. He basically sealed off his door from the rest of the apartment with duct tape and lived in just his room.

I'll have to find the link. Maybe one of the rest of the moron horde remembers where this was, and might have the link? It was a good read, in that "Oh thank God I never had an experience like that" sort of way.

Posted by: reason at May 20, 2010 11:51 AM (XiVKO)

179 Walt Disney was a bigtime student of poop.

Posted by: Wimmens wid ass like a horse at May 20, 2010 11:51 AM (+FkcS)

180
"I like to drink beer and keep track of. my bowel movements"

Well duh! What red-blooded American male doesn't?

I think this ad is just "dog whistle" for discrimination in violation of the Fair Housing law.

Posted by: Chris Matthews at May 20, 2010 11:51 AM (A3zgF)

181

146 I just read the sidebar about the British girl who broke off a toilet brush handle in her butt when she was drunk and fell on it

That's what they tell the nurse at the ER: "yeah, I slipped near the gerbil cage and I never saw Lemmiwinks again"

Posted by: Zimriel, speaking for John Derbyshire and HBDers in general at May 20, 2010 11:52 AM (9Sbz+)

182 Just checked the ad. Who knew the White House was so cramped?

Posted by: Jay Guevara at May 20, 2010 11:52 AM (OWJLB)

183
We're Better Than That, Too!

Posted by: The War Between the Undead States at May 20, 2010 11:52 AM (aYeWs)

184

Okay, on that last account I was more speaking on behalf of those who live near a large medical centre.

@#$%

Posted by: Zimriel at May 20, 2010 11:53 AM (9Sbz+)

185

If I hear "Armageddon!!!" shouted from his bedroom....

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at May 20, 2010 11:53 AM (8lCJT)

186 Sounds like someone from the DOD, I am sure brushing your teeth and what color your pee was is on the list too.

Posted by: robtr at May 20, 2010 11:53 AM (fwSHf)

187 About as good as the NY Mets

Posted by: nevergiveup

Bite me.

Posted by: Mets fan at May 20, 2010 11:54 AM (R2fpr)

188 Wig,

taking the browns to the super bowl

Probably an old phrase, but new to me.

I lol'd. Heartily.

Posted by: s'moron at May 20, 2010 03:28 PM (UaxA0)

Yep, that's an oldie, but it's still funny.

Posted by: Bret Michaels Wig at May 20, 2010 11:55 AM (s3LK6)

189 No shit?

Posted by: kansas at May 20, 2010 11:55 AM (2kVkH)

190 Sounds like someone from the DOD, I am sure brushing your teeth and what color your pee was is on the list too. Posted by: robtr at May 20, 2010 03:53 PM (fwSHf) Well actually there is a poster about the color of your pee at almost all the Urinals on base

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 11:55 AM (0GFWk)

191 did you know today is "draw muhammed day"? started on the internet as a result of the censorship of south park & went viral, especially on campuses. but i had to read about it on CNN?

Posted by: gomm at May 20, 2010 11:55 AM (73jUp)

192 The final words of the previous roommate were written:

Dear Roommate,

After that burrito eating contest, I had explosive diarrhea. So much so that I used all the toilet paper, and had to use your stupid list to wipe with.

Hope that's not a problem!

Posted by: Doc at May 20, 2010 11:56 AM (WKOg4)

193 At DoD, bowel movements record YOU.

Posted by: grognard at May 20, 2010 11:56 AM (v0kvW)

194 Well actually there is a poster about the color of your pee at almost all the Urinals on base

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 03:55 PM (0GFWk)

Heh, yeah I know that.

Posted by: robtr at May 20, 2010 11:56 AM (fwSHf)

195 Can someone get me another roll? Europe? How about you? You have any left?

Posted by: S & Pee 500 at May 20, 2010 11:56 AM (zgd5N)

196 The scary part is that half the rent on that dump is $850 a month.

Posted by: mitchellvii@yahoo.com at May 20, 2010 11:57 AM (kEBiX)

197 Can we get to -400 by 4pm?

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at May 20, 2010 11:57 AM (8lCJT)

198 Can we get to -400 by 4pm? Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at May 20, 2010 03:57 PM (8lCJT) That's not even funny, especially since it is possible

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 11:59 AM (0GFWk)

199 Shit- I mean shoot! It's actually in the healthcare bill. We ALL have to keep a 'Log of Logs.'

Posted by: t-bird at May 20, 2010 11:59 AM (FcR7P)

200 That burrito acted stupidly.

Posted by: Hey.Wheres.Barry at May 20, 2010 11:59 AM (gQLr2)

201

The scary part is that half the rent on that dump is $850 a month.

Posted by: mitchellvii@yahoo.com

Someone would actually rent one? And for that much? Maybe that's why they're logging them.

rimshot! (which is in itself a rather bad attempt at humor.... I'll stop now).

Posted by: Blue Hen at May 20, 2010 11:59 AM (R2fpr)

202 If you can't get into gold, what about diamonds? http://tinyurl.com/bhvyou

Posted by: Jean at May 20, 2010 11:59 AM (h0rZ/)

203 Are you done in the bathroom yet? I need to release the Kraken.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at May 20, 2010 12:00 PM (QMtmy)

204 almost , -375 at the close. Thanks Obama, you fuck

Posted by: robtr at May 20, 2010 12:00 PM (fwSHf)

205 It is blasphemous to keep a log of Muslims!

Posted by: Muhammad at May 20, 2010 12:00 PM (VmtE9)

206 One in a million shot, Jerry! One in a million!

Posted by: Frank at May 20, 2010 12:01 PM (7VvJB)

207

at the bell

DJIA -378

Posted by: pitchforksandpowder at May 20, 2010 12:01 PM (yf5QI)

208 yup, just googled "draw mohammad day" (i'm so modren) and pakistan has shut down youtube.

Posted by: gomm at May 20, 2010 12:03 PM (73jUp)

209 Wow. VIX up 26.25%
(beats head for not buying at 15)

Posted by: S & Pee 500 at May 20, 2010 12:03 PM (zgd5N)

210 DJIA -378 Yep. The Dow fell off a cliff in late trading. Rumor has it that "someone" (the Fed and ECB, most likely) were intervening to prop up the Euro. It didn't work. (Which means, if true, that the Fed just flushed a lot of tax dollars right down the toilet.)

Posted by: Monty at May 20, 2010 12:04 PM (4Pleu)

211 202 The scary part is that half the rent on that dump is $850 a month. Posted by: mitchellvii@yahoo.com at May 20, 2010 03:57 PM (kEBiX) Welcome to DC. Any closer to the Hill and it would be $1000 for a crappy room.

Posted by: joncelli at May 20, 2010 12:05 PM (RD7QR)

212 He said he was a researcher at DoD. Maybe they are developing a non-lethal shit gun and he needs data on how much ammo can be produced in a given period of time.

Posted by: grognard at May 20, 2010 12:06 PM (v0kvW)

213 This is not too far past my sister's husband. His mom safty pinned the blankets and sheets to make sure after they were laundered that the top went to the top and the bottom to the bottom, they use all flat sheets because fitted don't fold well in the linen closet, all cloth napkins, and the kitchen counter is free from all items including the papertowels and toaster.

Posted by: dagny at May 20, 2010 12:06 PM (uUDDq)

214 Breaking: "Suspicious device found at Liberty Bell pavilion"

Posted by: the DL at May 20, 2010 12:07 PM (p302b)

215

Which means, if true, that the Fed just flushed a lot of tax dollars right down the toilet.

business as usual, these daze, (no, that's not spelled incorrectly), business as usual

Posted by: pitchforksandpowder at May 20, 2010 12:07 PM (yf5QI)

216 That was a gruesome dropoff at the end of the market day.

Posted by: Waterhouse at May 20, 2010 12:07 PM (u+34p)

217 May 19th 2010 8:37AM Rabbit pellets cumulative weight 2.1 Courics.

Posted by: damian at May 20, 2010 12:08 PM (4WbTI)

218 #217 Yep. The Dow fell off a cliff in late trading. Rumor has it that "someone" (the Fed and ECB, most likely) were intervening to prop up the Euro. It didn't work. (Which means, if true, that the Fed just flushed a lot of tax dollars right down the toilet.)

At least in the end, there will be only chaos.

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 12:08 PM (c0A3e)

219 "224 That was a gruesome dropoff at the end of the market day.

Posted by: Waterhouse at May 20, 2010 04:07 PM (u+34p)"

Was there a drop off....we didn't notice....we're too busy defending ourselves to worry about the market...

Posted by: the GS guys at May 20, 2010 12:09 PM (p302b)

220 Wig,

taking the browns to the super bowl

Probably an old phrase, but new to me.

I lol'd. Heartily.

Posted by: s'moron at May 20, 2010 03:28 PM (UaxA0)

Yep, that's an oldie, but it's still funny.

Posted by: Bret Michaels Wig at May 20, 2010 03:55 PM (s3LK6)

OK, lemme guess, you haven't heard "Dropping the kids off at the pool" either.

Posted by: Jay in Ames at May 20, 2010 12:10 PM (UEEex)

221

Posted by: mohemeeed cartoon at May 20, 2010 12:11 PM (7VvJB)

222 Which means, if true, that the Fed just flushed a lot of tax dollars right down the toilet. THAT's what I'd like to see on a daily list of flushings!

Posted by: t-bird at May 20, 2010 12:11 PM (FcR7P)

223

I had a gruesome dropoff after morning coffee.

"Shorting the euro" is my new poo euphemism. Speaking of which, I'm going long on the Reichsmark--one RM will buy you a shiny new wheelbarrow.

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at May 20, 2010 12:12 PM (3iMgs)

224 Hey Beavis, he's keeping a log log.

Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh huh

Posted by: Beavis and Butthead at May 20, 2010 12:13 PM (Mmw0q)

225 Friend of mine swears he walked into a portajohnny at the Super Bowl where it was piled a foot up past the seat. That means somebody had to....

Posted by: 48%er at May 20, 2010 12:14 PM (gxpfq)

226 Speaking of which, I'm going long on the Reichsmark--one RM will buy you a shiny new wheelbarrow. Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at May 20, 2010 04:12 PM (3iMgs) Deutschmark. The Germans are kinda touchy about using "Reichs," for obvious reasons.

Posted by: joncelli at May 20, 2010 12:15 PM (RD7QR)

227 It sounds like a perfectly reasonable request to me.

Posted by: dr sheldon cooper at May 20, 2010 12:15 PM (7b1Uc)

228

Monty - imagine how much worse the Dow would have been today if they'd just let it do its own thing.

I'm not condoning Fed / ECB tinkering, just conjecturing.

Posted by: reason at May 20, 2010 12:15 PM (q/kmn)

229 If your mom runs out of the bathroom yelling, "Hey, take a look at this before I flush!" . . .

Posted by: Jeff Foxworthy at May 20, 2010 12:16 PM (Mmw0q)

230 Wasnt this on Big Bang Theory?

Posted by: Mike In BA at May 20, 2010 12:18 PM (1hSHv)

231

"DJIA -378"

The experts assured us that the $1 trillion rescue package would buy Europe time.

They were right. It bought them a week.

Posted by: Dirk Diggler at May 20, 2010 12:18 PM (jmf9+)

232 Everyone... Don't worry about the Dow. It is only a secondary measure of the economy. Beleive me and what I say. The economy is growing at 347.2% this quarter. I have corrected Bush's bad policies. Rest assured I am here to save you....

Posted by: Barack Obama at May 20, 2010 12:18 PM (k7Ddt)

233 Wasnt this on Big Bang Theory?

How would anyone know?

Posted by: Waterhouse at May 20, 2010 12:19 PM (u+34p)

234 Is Ace testing us to see how much shit his readers will put up with? It's a not a slow news day.

Posted by: Mr Whoopi at May 20, 2010 12:19 PM (uFokq)

235 So, another open thread

Posted by: Truman North at May 20, 2010 12:19 PM (e8YaH)

236 236Monty - imagine how much worse the Dow would have been today if they'd just let it do its own thing.

Maybe, but we're still throwing good "money" (since we're really broke) after bad. We're trying to shore up a structure who's foundations are corroded.

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 12:21 PM (c0A3e)

237 Finally !! I found the Perfect Match for roomating and fraternal conversation, etc

Three times a day for me; it that going to be a problem?

Posted by: SantaRosaStan, counting stools at May 20, 2010 12:22 PM (JrRME)

238 funny how Anthony cocksucker Weiner is denanding a federal investigation into Glenn Beck and Goldline but has no problem with Jim fucking Cramer constantly pimping stocks and giving awful investment advice.

Posted by: Mr Whoopi at May 20, 2010 12:23 PM (uFokq)

239 Speaking of Bowel Movements, is the President of Mexico still in this country?

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 12:25 PM (0GFWk)

240 I was in a Barnes and Noble in Anchorage when I walked in on some kid shorting the euro in a urinal. That's dirty pool even by Alaska standards.

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at May 20, 2010 12:25 PM (3iMgs)

241 I'm wiping feces on my computer monitor right now.

Posted by: Jim in San Diego at May 20, 2010 12:26 PM (oIp16)

242 Wasn't this on Big Bang Theory?
How would anyone know?
How would anyone at ace's know. Fixed. Numbnuts.

Posted by: dr sheldon cooper at May 20, 2010 12:27 PM (7b1Uc)

243 Bazinga!

Posted by: dr sheldon cooper at May 20, 2010 12:27 PM (7b1Uc)

244 Perhaps, unbeknownst to everyone except the DOD, Washington DC is about to reach some sort of critical mass?

Posted by: Fritz at May 20, 2010 12:27 PM (GwPRU)

245

247 Beck's answer to him: Weinerfacts dot com

http://tinyurl.com/35gzmau

Posted by: dagny at May 20, 2010 12:27 PM (uUDDq)

246 Geez, all you bitter clingers need to quit yer bitchin'! Ya think you have it bad? I am stretched to the gills and there's no relief in sight!

Posted by: Michelle Obama's Spanx at May 20, 2010 12:28 PM (CfmlF)

247 250 I'm wiping feces on my computer monitor right now.

Uh...good for you?

Does that help the color resolution?

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 12:28 PM (c0A3e)

248

Not only did Dave send you the ad, he also posted it. Dave used to work at the DoD and left to pursue an advanced degree.

I guess it's a spoof, but given his record with women I'm not at all sure.

Posted by: Pigilito at May 20, 2010 12:28 PM (jtWzX)

249 I would say OT, but not really. More and more statments by dick blumenthal about his Vietnam service being found.

I hope his candidacy goes in the crapper.

Posted by: Guy Fawkes at May 20, 2010 12:29 PM (7VvJB)

250 All your turds are belong to us !

Posted by: Poop Czar at May 20, 2010 12:29 PM (sYxEE)

251 253 Perhaps, unbeknownst to everyone except the DOD, Washington DC is about to reach some sort of critical mass?

It already has.

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 12:29 PM (c0A3e)

252 I guess I'm out...... I actually like drinking CRAPPY beer.

Posted by: ObamaSUX at May 20, 2010 12:29 PM (w74G6)

253 May 15th 2010 Dog pile in alley this morning, tire tread across flattened turd.

Posted by: Rorschach's Toilet Journal at May 20, 2010 12:29 PM (4WbTI)

254 funny how Anthony cocksucker Weiner is denanding a federal investigation into Glenn Beck and Goldline but has no problem with Jim fucking Cramer constantly pimping stocks and giving awful investment advice.

Posted by: Mr Whoopi at May 20, 2010 04:23 PM (uFokq)

I was watching Cramer the other evening and he was telling everyone to buy high yield dividend stocks and not to worry if they go down because the lower they get the higher you dividend is.

He didn't explain how he squares that with your original investment.

Posted by: robtr at May 20, 2010 12:31 PM (fwSHf)

255

I'd hate to see the checklist he hangs on your bedroom door.

Posted by: PugBoo at May 20, 2010 12:31 PM (wEYaf)

256 One sheet please, then make a checkmark.

Posted by: Sheryl Crow at May 20, 2010 12:31 PM (7VvJB)

257

Eh...he likes good beer, can't be all that bad. Just keep you knives and fire arms secured at all times. You'll be fine.

Posted by: dananjcon at May 20, 2010 12:33 PM (pr+up)

258

Oh, dear. I regretted posting, yesterday, to look out for lefties starting to say, "The Tea Party Bowel Movement."

My karma has a way of repeating key words the next day by others.

Posted by: Crystal Lucille Ball at May 20, 2010 12:33 PM (gbCNS)

259 The accumulated stench of all the rabbit piles and pipebusters will rise up about their nostrils, and all the roomates and neighbors will look up and shout "Courtesy flush!"... and I'll whisper "no."

Posted by: Rorschach's Toilet Journal at May 20, 2010 12:33 PM (4WbTI)

260

*just read the comment about discussing / commenting on your child(ren)'s productions*

Not completely guilty of this, though we will on occassion discuss the scent some of the more pungent ones will give.

When First Born was still moving onto baby-food, we gave her strained carrots with lunch for the first time. She loved 'em, and ate the whole container. Once she was full and cleaned up, we all went out to run some errands. She's sitting, happy as a clam, in her carrier in the shopping cart, when all of a sudden, Mrs. Reason and I simultaneously catch a whiff...

Sweet. Fancy. Moses. There are not words for that odor. I've sat here for five minutes, trying, and then deleting, and then trying again. No words.

I'm pushing the cart as quickly as I can to the front of the store, blinded by the sting in my watering eyes. First Born is giggling, and as I pass people, I am watching them smile as they see the sweet baby with me, and then melt into writhing grimaces of horror as I pass and they get caught in the backdraft.

Posted by: reason at May 20, 2010 12:34 PM (XiVKO)

261 He just wants you to track your pooping.

He's also into riding bikes.

Also, no lurking. Must be agreeable.

Must like obscure jazz, comic books, and amateur photography.

Donut lovers preferred

Must hit the tip jar

SWM, bisexual preferred

Posted by: Charles Comic Bookstore Johnson at May 20, 2010 12:35 PM (sYxEE)

262 Monty Is it possible that the stimulus money was used to buy stock and keep the dow up? Looks like all the money got spunt and they need some more today.

Posted by: td at May 20, 2010 12:35 PM (w7TI0)

263 He just wants you to track your pooping.

What if I don't give a shit?

Posted by: kbdabear at May 20, 2010 12:36 PM (sYxEE)

264 The other thing I noticed is that he just asks to simply put a check mark on the days you have a movement. That would imply that he doesn't take a dump every day. Sounds like someone needs to put more fiber in their diet.

Posted by: HeftyJo at May 20, 2010 12:36 PM (ckQml)

265

Sweet. Fancy. Moses. There are not words for that odor. I've sat here for five minutes, trying, and then deleting, and then trying again. No words.

I'm pushing the cart as quickly as I can to the front of the store, blinded by the sting in my watering eyes. First Born is giggling, and as I pass people, I am watching them smile as they see the sweet baby with me, and then melt into writhing grimaces of horror as I pass and they get caught in the backdraft.

Posted by: reason

Heh. The shopping cart of the apocalypse. Do remember that cherished memory at the rehearsal dinner. Especially if they serve carrots.

Posted by: Blue Hen at May 20, 2010 12:37 PM (R2fpr)

266 He just wants you to track your pooping.

If I never poop again, well that's just who I am

Posted by: Hank Hill at May 20, 2010 12:37 PM (sYxEE)

267 The other thing I noticed is that he just asks to simply put a check mark on the days you have a movement. That would imply that he doesn't take a dump every day. Sounds like someone needs to put more fiber in their diet. Posted by: HeftyJo at May 20, 2010 04:36 PM (ckQml) A day without a dump is like a day without sunshine?

Posted by: nevergiveup at May 20, 2010 12:38 PM (0GFWk)

268

Was there a drop off....we didn't notice....we're too busy defending ourselves to worry about the market... discussing finance reform with the Fed and the Administration in order to use the new reg's to punish our investors and competitors.

Posted by: the GS guys

FXed

Posted by: Garbonzo the Garrulous at May 20, 2010 12:38 PM (zgd5N)

269

Among the other negative indicators, the lack of inflation is disturbing the markets. Maybe there's something to that Phillips Curve after all....

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at May 20, 2010 12:39 PM (3iMgs)

270 This cannot be real. Is this some sort of reincarnation of Ted Bundy or something?

Posted by: RM at May 20, 2010 12:39 PM (GkYyh)

271 "Who is in charge of the clattering train?
The axles creak and the couplings strain;
And the pace is hot, and the points are near,
And Sleep has deadened the driver's ear;
And the signals flash through the night in vain, ..."

Posted by: Zimriel, resuscitating Punch 1890 at May 20, 2010 12:39 PM (9Sbz+)

272

At the end of the month he creates spreadsheets and pie charts to track trends.

Jeez, what would this guy do at an outdoor festival with 20+ porta potties and lines 10+ deep on each.

Probably lose it.

Posted by: PugBoo at May 20, 2010 12:39 PM (wEYaf)

273 Anyway... Reason mag is having a big Draw Mo Day and no one's talking about it? By the way, notice how religion-hater Chris Hitchens isn't saying too much about the muslims lately ever since he got jacked up in Lebanon?

Posted by: Mr Whoopi at May 20, 2010 12:40 PM (uFokq)

274 241 How would anyone know? I would imagine one of the 10 million people that watch it.

Posted by: Mike In BA at May 20, 2010 12:40 PM (1hSHv)

275 256 250 I'm wiping feces on my computer monitor right now.

Uh...good for you?

Does that help the color resolution?

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 04:28 PM (c0A3e)

It really cuts down on the glare. The color resolution is different, but I can't say that it's better. Everything now has a sepia tone.

Posted by: Jim in San Diego at May 20, 2010 12:40 PM (oIp16)

276 Baby Ball made his first doody within an hour of his birth. Sulferous would best describe it. Trust me, the smell is perfume-like after they've had their first meal.

Posted by: Crystal Lucille Ball at May 20, 2010 12:40 PM (gbCNS)

277 I have saved the economy again. Without my strategy and plan implemented seconds before the market closed, the Dow would have been down 700 points. I have again saved all of your sorry racist ass's again

Posted by: Barack Obama at May 20, 2010 12:41 PM (k7Ddt)

278 But we need to give credit where creidt is due... All those 'moderate' muslims who have come forward and publicly condemned the terrorism Faisal Shithead and Nadil Hassan.

Posted by: Mr Whoopi at May 20, 2010 12:41 PM (uFokq)

279 You know what is so sad.....BO just came out describing the regulatory reform bill and I remember when he came out and did the same thing with HC and guess what, nothing he said turned out to be correct so why should I believe him now?

Posted by: the GS guys at May 20, 2010 12:42 PM (p302b)

280 .......and if you could measure it........and take a picture of it.........that would help me out.....it's no big deal.......really.....

Posted by: phoenixgirl at May 20, 2010 12:43 PM (BpwZe)

281

It will be fun!! Good beer, good movies, good pooh jokes and euphemisms like:

Dropping your friends off at the pool.

Pinching a loaf.

Chuck a deuce.

and my personal fave...Time to make the brownies.

Posted by: dananjcon at May 20, 2010 12:44 PM (pr+up)

282 #284 It really cuts down on the glare. The color resolution is different, but I can't say that it's better. Everything now has a sepia tone.

heh. How do you deal with the smell?

Posted by: Kratos (missing from the side of Mt Olympus) at May 20, 2010 12:44 PM (c0A3e)

283 The economy is Bush's Beck's fault!

Posted by: Kos Kiddie at May 20, 2010 12:46 PM (XiVKO)

284 dropping a log

Posted by: phoenixgirl at May 20, 2010 12:47 PM (BpwZe)

285 hatching a brown trout

Posted by: phoenixgirl at May 20, 2010 12:47 PM (BpwZe)

286 That is taking "anal retentive" a little too literally.

Posted by: TSgt Ciz at May 20, 2010 12:47 PM (ymwj3)

287 Cutting the processed cheese.

Posted by: Crystal Lucille Ball at May 20, 2010 12:48 PM (gbCNS)

288 I love plants and animals. I hate humans. I wish all humans would go away, then life would be nice

Posted by: Pippy Handlstein at May 20, 2010 12:49 PM (k7Ddt)

289 One more thing, please read this so we don't waste each others' time! On our bathroom door is a checklist. I like to keep a record of my bowel movements and I expect you to do the same. It's a just a simple checklist with each day of the month, simply place a check on the day if you have a bowel movement. It's no big deal and you needn't worry about replacing the list, I'll take care of everything. Hope to hear from you!

Oh, it would be sooooo easy to fuck with this guy's head...I'm guessing he's got some kind of obsessive-compulsive issues, which would ordinarily make him off-limits, but - come on. Really? Seriously? Like somebody who doesn't find tracking his turds totally creepy would be appropriate roommate material?
Speaking of which - anybody want to take a guess what really happened to the first roommate?

Posted by: antisocialist at May 20, 2010 12:49 PM (Rwudm)

290 Casting ones' bread upon the waters.

Posted by: Blue Hen at May 20, 2010 12:51 PM (R2fpr)

291

At the end of the month he creates spreadsheets and pie charts to track trends.

Jeez, what would this guy do at an outdoor festival with 20+ porta potties and lines 10+ deep on each.

Probably lose it.

Posted by: PugBoo at May 20, 2010 04:39 PM (wEYaf)

Maybe he works for Rasmussen?

Posted by: antisocialist at May 20, 2010 12:52 PM (Rwudm)

292 Launching lunch.

Posted by: Blue Hen at May 20, 2010 12:52 PM (R2fpr)

293

Fertlizing the facility.

Posted by: Crystal Lucille Ball at May 20, 2010 12:52 PM (gbCNS)

294 rectal regatta

Posted by: Blue Hen at May 20, 2010 12:52 PM (R2fpr)

295 May 17th 2010 Prison chili with broccoli and cheese. I can't imagine a more dangerous opponent.

Posted by: Rorschach's Toilet Journal at May 20, 2010 12:53 PM (4WbTI)

296

REference item #292.

This is not Bush's fault. I beleive it is the Illuminati and the Priory Of Scion. President Obama said this when addressing the problem of fat content in our plant food.

Posted by: Mike Hunt at May 20, 2010 12:53 PM (k7Ddt)

297 Hen - heck, why wait that long? It'll be discussed with every boy she brings home.

Posted by: reason at May 20, 2010 12:54 PM (XiVKO)

298 Green emissions

Posted by: Crystal Lucille Ball at May 20, 2010 12:55 PM (gbCNS)

299 "so if anyone's ever wondered what she looked like while squeezing one out, you don't have to wonder anymore."

Well, I wasn't thinking about that until now, fuck you very much!

Posted by: jwpaine at May 20, 2010 12:55 PM (g4J4S)

300

freeing my people.

Posted by: dananjcon at May 20, 2010 12:55 PM (pr+up)

301 Sweet. Fancy. Moses. There are not words for that odor. I've sat here for five minutes, trying, and then deleting, and then trying again. No words.
Posted by: reason at May 20, 2010 04:34 PM (XiVKO)

No words are necessary for those of us who have been there...

Posted by: antisocialist at May 20, 2010 12:55 PM (Rwudm)

302 Hen - heck, why wait that long? It'll be discussed with every boy she brings home.

Posted by: reason

Fair warning is the least that they deserve. Along with death threats contingent upon dishonorable activity.

Posted by: Blue Hen at May 20, 2010 12:56 PM (R2fpr)

303 flatulant fallout

Posted by: Crystal Lucille Ball at May 20, 2010 12:57 PM (gbCNS)

304 Am I the only one who really really really thinks that his is a really really really scary creepy person?

I mean BM's are the most personal of items. I know people who wait until everyone is not around to perform this function so really this is too creepy and for what nefarious purpose does this apparently young guy need this information.

Posted by: curious at May 20, 2010 12:57 PM (p302b)

305

#305

Give my 130lb black lab a picked egg.

Then book a room at a hotel for the next two nights while he fumigates the house. Makes for a great watch dog while I'm out of town. He wont bark or bite, but no one lacking a class IV Bio/Chem suit is going to make it two steps past the front door for the next three days. Even the cat left home and came back minus a goodly portion of it's hair. Guess cleaning off the film had it's price.

Posted by: TSgt Ciz at May 20, 2010 12:58 PM (ymwj3)

306 passing a colon stone

Posted by: MikeO at May 20, 2010 12:58 PM (lBmZl)

307 If we get rid of all the animals on the Earth, would could reduce greenhouse emissions dramtically.

Posted by: Mike Hunt at May 20, 2010 12:59 PM (k7Ddt)

308 Passing out, in more ways than one.

Posted by: Crystal Lucille Ball at May 20, 2010 01:00 PM (gbCNS)

309 curious.....relax......he said it's not big deal and you don't have replace the list.......he handles everything

Posted by: phoenixgirl at May 20, 2010 01:01 PM (BpwZe)

310

184 Oh man. This reminds me of an old blog-story I read years ago about a guy who had a roommate who went absolutely bat-shit loco over the course of a semester in college. The author was lucky enough that the two-bedroom apartment was on the 1st floor, and his bedroom had a sliding-glass door. He basically sealed off his door from the rest of the apartment with duct tape and lived in just his room

I know it well. Great story.

http://www.wyseguys.com/blog/articles/ shitty_roommate_1.aspx

take out the space after "articles/"

unreals.

Posted by: s'moron at May 20, 2010 01:03 PM (UaxA0)

311 BM bomber

Posted by: Crystal Lucille Ball at May 20, 2010 01:03 PM (gbCNS)

312 I'm going to book a look at the place, late in the day, and place some saran wrap over the bowl. Take care of that, won't you? Don't worry, it's good beer.

Posted by: BuddyPC at May 20, 2010 01:03 PM (nSkOL)

313

OK, lemme guess, you haven't heard "Dropping the kids off at the pool" either.

No. That's the one I use.

Posted by: s'moron at May 20, 2010 01:05 PM (UaxA0)

314 Pruning the prunes.

Posted by: Crystal Lucille Ball at May 20, 2010 01:09 PM (gbCNS)

315 Holding a faculty meeting.

Posted by: Dr Amy Bishop at May 20, 2010 01:11 PM (7b1Uc)

316

Ha ha!

#255 said "bitter clingers".

Posted by: FireHorse at May 20, 2010 01:13 PM (cQyWA)

317

Down chucking

Posted by: Crystal Lucille Ball at May 20, 2010 01:13 PM (gbCNS)

318 If you had ever roomed with Naje Davenport you'd want a log log too.

Posted by: D Bowman at May 20, 2010 01:18 PM (k7SeR)

319 Lowering the Lincoln log

Posted by: Crystal Lucille Ball at May 20, 2010 01:19 PM (gbCNS)

320

ROOMMATE MOVE IN: Day One

After a long day over moving, the new roommate is greeted by the other roommate after coming out of the bathroom.

"Okay! Now how do we dispose of our BM? Well we start with our paper towely. Two peices unbroken. Fold it over keeping the corners squared. Place the BM on the towely and fold over once. Then we take our aluminum foil...a miracle product... it really is. Place the wrapped BM on the foil and fold over neatly. Then we take our paper bag and place the wrapped foil inside. Fold the bag over twice and seal with scotch tape, making sure the tape is centered. I alway keep my tape dispener cozy in the bathroom so it's handy if I need it. There, isn't that nice. Now that's sh*t you can live with..."

Posted by: PugBoo at May 20, 2010 01:25 PM (wEYaf)

321 OK, then. Shit talk stops being fun after I have to start scrolling down every time after reloading.

Posted by: Crystal Lucille Ball at May 20, 2010 01:30 PM (gbCNS)

322 Shit talk stops being fun after I have to start scrolling rolling the roll down every time after reloading my colon.

Posted by: Crystal Lucille Ball at May 20, 2010 01:34 PM (gbCNS)

323 s'moron found the story. Required reading for anyone that has ever had a bad roommate. It really helps you gain a little perspective.

Posted by: reason at May 20, 2010 02:26 PM (q/kmn)

324 PUNCHING DOWN!

Posted by: someguy at May 20, 2010 02:27 PM (q/kmn)

325 It was just on Monday's episode of Big Bang Theory. Leonard does a flashback of when he became Sheldon's roommate One of Sheldon's questions was 'when are your bowel movements?'. Leonard's response was when he needed to. After plodding from Sheldon he replies 7:30 am. Sheldon responds with 'You can have 8:00'.

Posted by: DSkinner at May 20, 2010 03:12 PM (9ZwyM)

326

Dude only keeps track of when?

Let's break down the data! Floaters or sinkers? Anything recognizable (corn kernels, etc.)? Any real monsters?

Inquiring minds want to know!

Posted by: Jay Guevara at May 20, 2010 05:52 PM (75iE3)

327

lay a cable

pinch a loaf

choke a darkie

Posted by: thug at May 20, 2010 06:05 PM (0KpSp)

328 After that Rand Paul argue-fest, I had to come back here for air. Sulfurous over there.