She:  Hmmm...carpets, wallpaper, drapes.....

He: WHOZEYER DADDY?

<i> if you factor in begging time</i>

I prefer to think of that as foreplay, myself.

>> I prefer to think of that as foreplay, myself.

po-tay-to, po-tah-to 

I use an egg timer.  When that bell goes off, you better be finished, or I'm gonna start talking loudly about cats and gardening.

>> wouldn't this be a better topic for an overnight thread?

I fully expect Maet to link this.  Otherwise I'm spittin in his coffee cup in the break room.

well i'll put my 2c in, against my better judement.

_{I'm kidding, i'm stupid but not That stupid}.

Posted by: FreakyBoy at June 26, 2010 10:16 AM (uKraB)

btw, i believe this Post is a trap. I'm waiting for someone to say the wrong thing (i have no idea what that might consist of 

and have a hand reach through the computer with a bottle of valu-rite and use it to beat us silly.

Contrary to popular fantasy about the need for hours of passionate activity, sex therapists say around ten minutes is perfectly satisfactory

they lie

Al Gore begged for 48 minutes.

You think he don't know how the game is played?  Do ya?  Suckas?

about actual sex, after midnight, with ladies, in their vaginas

Not interested.

twice, he must be doing it right.

_{won't look at the rest of the chatters here.}

_{might be a good idea  for me to run and hide}.

32 Is that ten minutes WITH a partner?

Ten minutes without will leave you raw.  Um, so I've heard.

Ten minutes without will leave you raw.  Um, so I've heard.

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at June 26, 2010 10:39 AM (zgZzy)

not very cost effective Herr.

10 minutes time 4 x 15k x 18+ =?

not very cost effective Herr.

10 minutes time 4 x 15k x 18+ =?

Posted by: willow at June 26, 2010 10:47 AM (HyUIR)

I feed them hay.  Changes the equation quite a bit.

You've got a rat-pack too, don't ya girl?

"Brushing your teeth beforehand might be a nice touch. Showering might also be a plus."

If I do it with the pizza guy, won't the 10-minute Wonder who ordered the pizza get mad?

Guys, all you need to do is spend some time making sure that She gets to where Heaven meets Earth *wink*

They will allways come back for more.

yes Herr, 5 .

what was i thinking!

srsly. i pretty much still love them.  almost worth the gray hair , and nervous breakdown.

Posted by: FreakyBoy at June 26, 2010 10:16 AM (uKraB)

I think you may think she wants this. I'm guessing she's thinking, oh for god's sake enough, get on your own side of the bed already and leave me alone. Assuming, of course, you contribute to her welfare in other ways like having a job or opening jars.

Posted by: FreakyBoy at June 26, 2010 10:16 AM (uKraB)

I think you may think she wants this. I'm guessing she's thinking, oh for god's sake enough, get on your own side of the bed already and leave me alone. Assuming, of course, you contribute to her welfare in other ways like having a job or opening jars.

Posted by: dagny at June 26, 2010 10:55 AM (aVzmf)

hahahahaah

>> Guys, all you need to do is spend some time making sure that She gets to where Heaven meets Earth *wink*

Pike's Peak?

You kids with your crazy euphemisms for "don't wipe it off on the drapes afterwards".

Posted by: Viagra at June 26, 2010 10:58 AM (SjXGn)

If you're under the age of 20, you play with it.  20-40, you call a doctor. From 40 onwards, call your friends.

Posted by: Herr Morgenholz at June 26, 2010 10:59 AM (+9iYg)

You promise to wash and iron them afterwards?

63 What do I do with this four hour hardon?

Hang your laundry on it?

"don't wipe it off on the drapes afterwards".

Or her face towel. You know, fyi. 

You promise to wash and iron them afterwards?

Posted by: willow at June 26, 2010 11:00 AM (HyUIR)

Uh, yeah.  And then I'll cook dinner and do my nails.

Blazer!

o-man you really are evil.

Or her face towel. You know, fyi. 

Posted by: Joanie (Oven Gloves) at June 26, 2010 11:01 AM (HaYO4)

Cut. Jib. Newsletter. Pics, please.

Posted by: Obama at June 26, 2010 11:03 AM (5I8G0)

Posted by: hates arachnids at June 26, 2010 11:02 AM (uJBct)

and dig holes for the trees and such.

Mr. Bill D. Cat, I do not engage in folklore.

But if I were, I'd say it might involve a ten-thousand dollar line of credit.

But if I were, I'd say it might involve a ten-thousand dollar line of credit.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 26, 2010 11:09 AM (Wh0W+)

Actually, that's 10 G-spots.

Blazer!

o-man you really are evil.

Posted by: willow at June 26, 2010 11:02 AM (HyUIR)

When US President Barack Obama stepped off his helicopter in Huntsville on Friday, the first thing he said was, “You’ve got a lot of golf courses here, don’t you?” Industry Minister Tony Clement told the National Post in an exclusive interview.

Sir Golfsalot, indeed

Posted by: Blazer at June 26, 2010 11:13 AM (t72+4)

depends on if your wife read it.

Posted by: Blazer at June 26, 2010 11:13 AM (t72+4)

depends on if your wife read it.

Posted by: willow at June 26, 2010 11:16 AM (HyUIR)

She's too busy cooking the baconz.

She's trying to kill you?

She's too busy cooking the baconz.

She's trying to kill you?

Posted by: dagny at June 26, 2010 11:22 AM (pUFFa)

Herr.

internet chat has really opened my eyes a lot.

sometimes i'm not sure it's good for me.

75 10 minutes to plug the hole?  That's way too much time to work on that.  I've got golfing, dinner, trips in Air Force One, you know, Presidential shit to do.

We understand, Mr. President.  We've seen your "wife."

Posted by: Wodeshed at June 26, 2010 11:31 AM (MFbfZ)

what works for my husband is his allowing His dog to eat my shoes.

Posted by: willow at June 26, 2010 11:31 AM (HyUIR)

Intriguing.  Please, go on.

110 How do you make a woman scream twice?

Bang her twice and hit her in the head with a brick?

Posted by: Blazer at June 26, 2010 11:33 AM (t72+4)

I watch golf.  The camera just follows Tiger around anyway, and that's what he smells like.

Question: When going down on your old lady should you get her to lie facing opposite the t.v. so you can watch The Deadliest Catch at the same time ? It would be almost like a true interactive experience, like you were actually there iykwim.

There's a "crabs" or "fish smell" comment there, but I'm not touching it!

someone closest reach over and slap Blazer.

_{because it's the right thing to do, for his wifes sake}.

Bang her twice and hit her in the head with a brick?

Frau told me to give her 12 inches and make her bleed, so after the fourth round I punched her in the nose.

Frau just hit me.  Seriously.  Based on your advice.

Want me to type up a domestic violence warrant?  I'm at work anyway.

Herr, she's a lovely ,smart woman. tell her I'll watch her back while you're here.

btw what's her e-mail address.

_{you can make this all go-away if you share your credit card number}.

What a nice Saturday morning thread.

Wyatt, I sensed  violence in His words!

be fair!

or not.

a witness for  Mrs. Herr in this dispute.

That's no joke.  Some of the fucking prosecutors around here think they're going to be governor one day.

Our new D.A. wants third-party witnesses - complete with detailed interviews - before they approve a domestic warrant now.  In the meantime, while we're trying to track down these people, the offender gets plenty of chances to kill the victim.  Fun, huh?

Wow, no one's mentioned squirting midgets yet.

Wyatt, I sensed  violence in His words!

be fair!

or not.

a witness for  Mrs. Herr in this dispute.

Posted by: willow at June 26, 2010 11:45 AM (HyUIR)

Wyatt.

see?

141 Wow, no one's mentioned squirting midgets yet.

It takes so long to get them excited enough to squirt, though.  But the good news is that since they're midgets, the optimum time for the act is dropped to five minutes. 

Herr. that was Loverly!

^{glad you know how to cover your behind}

She is far, far too good for me.  I deserved a fat psycho bitch with 2 kids, a meth habit, and an overbearing mother.

Paging Peggy West!

Wow, no one's mentioned squirting midgets yet.

Posted by: Joanie (Oven Gloves) at June 26, 2010 11:46 AM (HaYO4)

For a cold shower without the water, check out What's the Ugliest Part of a Liberal?  The "morphs" are quite right on.

http://tinyurl.com/2ddw655

Evidently, no one has started drinking yet. Give it time.

Chemjeff is still probably drunk from last night.  Get him on the horn!

Posted by: willow at June 26, 2010 11:50 AM (HyUIR)

She just left with it.  I typed that after she left.  No ass covering here.  I meant it.

_{I have bookmarked this post.}

Our new D.A. wants third-party witnesses - complete with detailed interviews - before they approve a domestic warrant now.  In the meantime, while we're trying to track down these people, the offender gets plenty of chances to kill the victim.  Fun, huh?

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at June 26, 2010 11:45 AM (zgZzy)

that's awful.

I missed the ONT last night but I feel right at home.

Posted by: willow at June 26, 2010 11:50 AM (HyUIR)

Depends on how it was before.  In the county next door, the prosecution is so overzealous on DV that they have about a 33% conviction rate, at trial, on DV cases. Prosecutor is some scrunt whose uncle beat her after he raped her, or something.

Before we only needed the victim's statement - barring she wasn't drunk or crazy - and we could usually get a warrant.  How do we find a third-party witness to a husband/wife assault in their own home?  It's lunacy.

This guy wants the cases tried before they get to trial so his clearance rate looks good.  Nevermind that some woman gets beaten up again and again before that time, though . . .

>> I missed the ONT last night but I feel right at home.

Hey, I've heard of sex.  Even if I don't know anything about it.

172 I did not spend 10 minutes with Monica Lewinsky.

But who were you picturing during the hummer?  Couldn't have been Monica.

Hey, I've heard of sex.  Even if I don't know anything about it.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 26, 2010 11:55 AM (Wh0W+)

That's what brothers-in-law are for.  From what I've seen, the truly beaten women are lost in the whole DV industry.  DV now means getting pissed at your wife, telling your drunk brother to go fuck himself, kicking a hole in the drywall, etc.  If you're spending all your time playing referee between two pissed off people, you're missing the people who actually need your protection.

DV laws are generally bullshit that empower police and prosecutors without protecting anybody.

It doesn't help that the next day they call and want to drop the charges because they were either threatened or scared into submission.

Posted by: Blazer at June 26, 2010 12:00 PM (t72+4)

*points and laughs*

I don't get women who don't like sex. 40 years after the sexual revolution, are most husbands that bad in the sack?

Present!

Actually, at the time I was torn.  I wanted Janet Reno but I also loved Madeline Albright so in the end, I imagined both of them being there.

Aaaaand . . . thread killer.

*points and laughs*

Posted by: The Washington Redskins at June 26, 2010 12:01 PM (+9iYg)

Shanahan and McNabb baby, all the way to the house !

O.k., let me stop. I'm starting to sound like a Philly fan and damn do I hate those pricks worse than Cowboys fans.

HEY!  I live in Philly!!!

_{And I despise the Eagles and their fans.}

197 Wyatt, your URL in your sig is 404.

Not the most computer savvy.  What does that mean?

203 Sorry.  When I click your name I get a "404 Not Found".  I always get to your website through your name.

Ah, got it.

Rawmuse, I knew a guy like that once.  About 9 out of 10 times, he'd get a "No," or worse.  Sometimes that one would leave the bar with him on the spot.  Sometimes they'd stay gone, sometimes just a "10 minute" trip out to the car.

Never had the nerve for that myself.

 good reason to get married. 50 k for a wedding

1 hyphenated names are a difficult task with the education system we have.

2 children learn skills- sometimes in a very difficult not often grown up world. (parents house)

3 often  two parents can afford xboxes, 100 $ shoes and awesome clothing.

4 two , three , four sets of grandparents are possibly the best feature.

when one  parent gives up there is usually one left.

1 hyphenated names are a difficult task with the education system we have.

Hyphenated names are a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.

212 Hyphenated name=douchebag or douchebag parents. Period.

People should man up and do what I do: take my wife's last name. 

215 my ex preferred manontopgetitoverwithquick

The missus likes being on top.  It's the shiite.

I HATE the whole, I have a different name than my children crap.

A college friend of mine refused to take her husband's last name.  Wouldn't even hyphenate it because she wanted to let the world know she was "an independent woman."  And obviously, a douche.

Single and lovin' it, baby. Downside: No sex, at least not with humans. Upside: My married friends tell me there's no sex with their betrothed anyway so the point is moot.

Bottom line? FREEDOM!!!

Posted by: Dave C at June 26, 2010 10:46 AM (qmecx)

Dave, forget these pervs for awhile.  Isn't there a third-party or Tea Party guy running?  Hopefully he has the brains to use the above to get everyone so disgusted with Juan and J.D. that they vote for him.  You should e-mail this to him.  I can't recall his name, but I was on a conservative site recently and a commenter said that after some investigation they'd decided the third-party guy was actually pretty good.  A brand-new senator with no baggage is a +1.

People should man up and do what I do: take my wife's last name. 

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at June 26, 2010 12:27 PM (zgZzy)

So your last name in Clinton?

Single and lovin' it, baby. Downside: No sex, at least not with humans. Upside: My married friends tell me there's no sex with their betrothed anyway so the point is moot.

Bottom line? FREEDOM!!!

Posted by: ErikW at June 26, 2010 12:38 PM (FEuk2)

Erik, meet Kratos.  Kratos, meet Erik.  You might want to swap newsletters.

So your last name in Clinton?

Hey, cankles are very hawt!

Posted by: RushBabe at June 26, 2010 12:43 PM (W8m8i)

the problem is that the Tea Party and folks like Michelle Malkin threw their support towards Hayowrth because of what I perceive (and I get crap for this every time I mention it and expect this time to be no different so i'm ready for the profanity lased backlash) McCain Derangement Syndrome.

Now people are realizing what I said all along, Hayworth is just a bad a choice as McCain and that's why I decided to back McCain on that race in AZ, plus polls show he easily wins re-election and Hayworth would make that race a toss up.

That said, if this 3rd party guy pulled off the miracle you speak of and becomes a viable candidate he'll be better then McCain or Hayworth, but it looks like Mac is winning by about 8-10 points and will probably win in the general

Posted by: Ric Flair at June 26, 2010 12:46 PM (UqJ8A)

He cut a promo this past week (you may have seen it to reference him) where he pointed at some chick in the audience and shouted at her "Get ready to ride the Mountain tonight!"

Posted by: Austin Powers at June 26, 2010 12:51 PM (UqJ8A)

and so it begins...

wouldn't this be a better topic for an overnight thread?

And contribute to the reputation that all we talk about is sex.

The site looks funny.

I'll be sure to put "sex at least 12 times a month" in my prenup.

/why I'll never marry

Actually, at the time I was torn.  I wanted Janet Reno but I also loved Madeline Albright so in the end, I imagined both of them being there.

Posted by: Bill Clinton at June 26, 2010 12:01 PM (5I8G0)

Try Barbara Mikulski...guaranteed to work!

Posted by: Mindy at June 26, 2010 01:44 PM (jlRAA)

Well said, Mindy!  I never say no to Mr. Puppeh and I don't always wait for him to initiate sex.  Men need to feel desirable too!  And he is...

The survey posted is quite useful in determining the duration that relations should properly last.

But what I really want to know, the BIG question that we need a study done to determine is;

Which partner is supposed to sleep on the wet spot?

As for positions, my wife doesn't like 69.

She prefers 68.

That's were I have to go down on her and she just owes me one. 

Unless you understand sexual theology, you will never have the best sex life. . . not with a real, unpaid-for woman that you are married to anyways.

All this talk of making it to 10 minutes is a lofty goal. When I return home after 18 months in the desert, I doubt I'll be able to look through a Sears cataglogue without, without...well, you know, much less being in the same space with a nekkid girl. It'll be like a being a teenager all over again! The shame.