Ace of Spades HQ

June 15, 2011

Conan O'Brien's Pretty Darn Good Commencement Speech
— Ace

The first half is the jokes, and they're pretty good. But in the last half, starting around 15:15, he gets to a more serious, heartfelt message.

He's just talking about his own worst failure -- losing the Tonight show -- and while that may be pretty trivial as far as losses go, it was a big deal to him. So he uses that opportunity to talk generally about risk, and recovery from failure, and dreams, and losing your dream, and finding a new dream as you muddle on through.

Takeaway: Quoting himself from 17 months ago, his NBC signoff was "Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen." He sums up: "I have never been more convinced that is true."

Now here's where I spoil the good feeling that speech created:

Thanks to CharlieBrownsDildo.

Bonus: Samuel L. Jackson reads the audiobook of "Go the F**k to Sleep."

Thanks to Aplusplusplus.

Another Bonus: If you haven't seen it, Michael Bolton joins the Lonely Island crew (Andy Samberg & Co.) for a rap video that gets derailed by Michael Bolton's odd agenda.

Posted by: Ace at 02:43 PM | Comments (90)
Post contains 195 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Eleven years ago I gave an address to a graduating class at Harvard. I have not spoken at a graduation since because I thought I had nothing left to say. But then 2010 came. And now I'm here, three thousand miles from my home, because I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I'd like to share it with you. In 2000, I told graduates "Don't be afraid to fail." Well now I'm here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Nietzsche famously said "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you. Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting. What Nietzsche should have said is "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning."

Posted by: stuiec at June 15, 2011 02:50 PM (HMdeP)

Best commencement speech I've ever heard. So awesome.

Posted by: runningrn at June 15, 2011 02:50 PM (ihSHD)

3 This was also pretty classy:

Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.

Posted by: stuiec at June 15, 2011 02:51 PM (HMdeP)

4 yeah. It's a little sap, but it's *good* sap. Nothing wrong with good sap once in a while.

Posted by: ace at June 15, 2011 02:52 PM (nj1bB)

5 I liked the shout-out to George H. W. Bush, seated behind him. Conan said that H. W. was the war hero and respected President, and Conan was the one asked to impart wisdom. Therefore we're DOOMED. (he said it funnier)

Posted by: Sort-of-Mad Max at June 15, 2011 02:52 PM (2PTT7)

6 Videos are blocked here at work, but my cell phone camera works.

Posted by: 'foot long' fluffy at June 15, 2011 02:52 PM (SwkdU)

7 Nice stump Darmouth has for a lectern.

Posted by: Sort-of-Mad Max at June 15, 2011 02:53 PM (2PTT7)

Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.

Truly one of my favorite lines. That and the shout out "dis" to Timothy Geithner.

Posted by: runningrn at June 15, 2011 02:55 PM (ihSHD)

9 Nice to see someone give a speech without it costing me a trillion dollars.

Posted by: sifty at June 15, 2011 02:55 PM (2dbd9)

10 I liked the part where he says, "and Harry, Jimmy, Trent, wherever you are out there, fuck you too!"

Posted by: Ted Kennedy's Gristle Encased Head at June 15, 2011 02:58 PM (+lsX1)

11
What are you compensating for???

that was funny...because Dr Kim is Asian and has a small penis

Posted by: leftover soothsayers at June 15, 2011 03:01 PM (GKYRR)

12 Dr Kim is my favorite.

Posted by: Joanie (Oven Gloves) at June 15, 2011 03:04 PM (y/+eD)

13
see the two guys in the background?

are they secret service?

they're getting a kick outta Conan

Posted by: leftover soothsayers at June 15, 2011 03:09 PM (GKYRR)

14 I had one of the Google guys at my graduation ceremony. Sorry I didn't take him out then. I didn't know they would become so evil!

Posted by: Anony at June 15, 2011 03:09 PM (Yigvc)

15 that was funny...because Dr Kim is Asian and has a small penis

Unlike you American morons with your ; font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/103420/japanese-charm">gigantic American penises.

Posted by: Clueless at June 15, 2011 03:10 PM (piMMO)

16 After attending a couple of college commencements this season I wondered whether it was possible to do a commencement address without actually saying "reach for the stars" one time. Conan's address was superb (even though he did say "reach for the stars," if kind of ironically).

Posted by: Cicero at June 15, 2011 03:10 PM (QKKT0)

17 President Barack Obama said yesterday that you would want Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D.-Fla.) Â“on your sideÂ” because Â“sheÂ’s got a cute smile,Â” and you would want her Â“in your foxholeÂ” because Â“not only is she charmingÂ” but she has a Â“dazzling smile,Â” and " has thighs that make Michelle's thighs look like Rihanna's".

I may have made that last part up.

Posted by: Pooter Hound at June 15, 2011 03:11 PM (le5qc)

18 damnit!

; font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/103420/japanese-charm">Your gargantuan American penises!

Posted by: Clueless at June 15, 2011 03:11 PM (piMMO)

that was funny...because Dr Kim is Asian and has a small penis

Now I get it.

Posted by: Cicero at June 15, 2011 03:11 PM (QKKT0)

20 My 9- and 6-yr-old have been digging the "Jack Sparrow" song for the last few weeks. I'm going nuts trying to turn off the volume for the f-bombs. So far, so good.

It's the second-funniest Lonely Island song IMO, after "Threw It On The Ground."

Posted by: Bender Bending Rodriguez at June 15, 2011 03:11 PM (1H47k)

21
btw, NJConservative needs to stop using that crude blasphemous name

Posted by: leftover soothsayers at June 15, 2011 03:11 PM (GKYRR)

22 Shit@

I give up. The link thingy has been screwing with me about one a week for a while now. It's just goes all wiggy.

Posted by: Clueless at June 15, 2011 03:12 PM (piMMO)

23
don't worry about it; i've seen the ep

Posted by: leftover soothsayers at June 15, 2011 03:13 PM (GKYRR)

24 o/t

hmm LulzSec is now going after the CIA

Posted by: The Dude at June 15, 2011 03:13 PM (Ig1Wo)

25 Ok, SLJ just cemented his place as one of the true grandmasters of profanity.

Posted by: Burn the Witch at June 15, 2011 03:14 PM (A/oSU)

26 Fail and Fail. What is Fail?

Posted by: General Motors at June 15, 2011 03:16 PM (v8wYt)

27 frown

Posted by: Ben (Pawlenty at the moment) at June 15, 2011 03:17 PM (DKV43)

28 Ok, SLJ just cemented his place as one of the true grandmasters of profanity.

I thought Go The Fuck To Sleep couldn't get better. And then it did!

Conan's speech is great because it's true and you can tell he's not really joking about the angst of failing.

Posted by: alexthechick at June 15, 2011 03:18 PM (sf+iw)

29 24 I thought they already painted a big enough target on themselves after going after Minecraft.

Posted by: Anony at June 15, 2011 03:18 PM (Yigvc)

30 Failure can lead to good things. Failure on an Biblical scale can lead to huge rewards. And I do mean HUGE.

Posted by: Jamie Gorelick at June 15, 2011 03:21 PM (QKKT0)

31 The motto of the amazingly successful KIPP Charter Schools is Work Hard. Be Nice. Plagiarist!

Posted by: Jan at June 15, 2011 03:22 PM (4VmJI)

32 Good speech, but falling from network television and rich rich to cable tv and just rich isn't quite...school of hard knocks or pain and suffering.

Posted by: ParisParamusInBrooklyn at June 15, 2011 03:23 PM (cdCC7)

33 Knowledge is Good

Posted by: Emil Faber at June 15, 2011 03:24 PM (QKKT0)

34 btw, NJConservative needs to stop using that crude blasphemous name Posted by: leftover soothsayers at June 15, 2011 07:11 PM (GKYRR) Why? Do you worship Charlie Brown? Fuck your false god if he can't figure out that Lucy's going to yank the foot ball away. Again.

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at June 15, 2011 03:25 PM (lbo6/)

35
Charlie Brown has no use for a dildo. Okay?

he's a good little cartoon boy

Posted by: leftover soothsayers at June 15, 2011 03:27 PM (J/h7H)

36 Now, there's some irony in this:

Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting. What Nietzsche should have said is "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning."

Because apparently getting pretty much everything you want in life makes you tweet your dic pic to every female you run across online, and/or makes you wonder if you really want that second term while you head out for your 72nd round of golf or your 50th fundraiser since taking office.

Posted by: stuiec at June 15, 2011 03:28 PM (HMdeP)

37 OT: Game 7 = :30 away!

Posted by: Troika37 at June 15, 2011 03:28 PM (eqTkp)

38 And I apologize for mentioning it, but this is the only blog I frequent that has even bothered covering the Stanley Cup. Kudos to Ace & Co.

Posted by: Troika37 at June 15, 2011 03:29 PM (eqTkp)

39 "Always look on the bright, side, of life." -- Thomas Jefferson

Posted by: Dr Spank at June 15, 2011 03:29 PM (k0TKJ)

40 Charlie Brown has no use for a dildo. Okay?

he's a good little cartoon boy

Posted by: leftover soothsayers at June 15, 2011 07:27 PM (J/h7H)

Perhaps he rents it to Lucy. She's making the bank with her psychiatry gig, and she has a lot of needs that Schroeder doesn't want to fill.

Posted by: stuiec at June 15, 2011 03:29 PM (HMdeP)

41
Go B's!

Posted by: leftover soothsayers at June 15, 2011 03:30 PM (KpRxj)

42 Go Brooooooons!

Posted by: Y-not at June 15, 2011 03:31 PM (TFxd0)

43 I'm so glad it's over after tonight.

I'm sick of hearing about the friggin Bruins.

Posted by: leftover soothsayers at June 15, 2011 03:31 PM (S2LZH)

44 The motto of the amazingly successful KIPP Charter Schools is Work Hard. Be Nice. Plagiarist!

Posted by: Jan at June 15, 2011 07:22 PM (4VmJI)

Plagiarize!!

Posted by: stuiec at June 15, 2011 03:34 PM (HMdeP)

45 His other commencement speech, at Harvard, is here, also hilarious.

Posted by: Adrian at June 15, 2011 03:34 PM (PY4xx)

46 Maybe the Broons will celebrate with cases of "Two if by Tea"

Posted by: Ombudsman at June 15, 2011 03:34 PM (6U4X6)

47 President Barack Obama said yesterday that you would want Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D.-Fla.) Â“on your sideÂ” because Â“sheÂ’s got a cute smile,Â” and you would want her Â“in your foxholeÂ” because Â“not only is she charmingÂ” but she has a Â“dazzling smile,Â” and " better Jerry curls than Rick James in that Super Freak music video".

I may have made that last part up.

Posted by: Pooter Hound at June 15, 2011 03:36 PM (le5qc)

48 The way this series has gone, I gotta believe the Canucks are only in it because they're getting some kind of mystical magical home ice advantage. They've barely squeaked by at their home games while the Bs have clobbered them in Boston.

That, and the fact that the Canucks are a bunch of knuckle-dragging cheap shot artists. They've clearly been coached to try to take out players.

Posted by: Y-not at June 15, 2011 03:37 PM (TFxd0)

49 17 President Barack Obama said yesterday that you would want Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D.-Fla.) Â“on your sideÂ” because Â“sheÂ’s got a cute smile,Â” and you would want her Â“in your foxholeÂ” because Â“not only is she charmingÂ”

Obama has a problem with mixed metaphors and a strange way of evaluating allies. But it does help explain Obama's bizarre foreign policy.

Posted by: Jack at June 15, 2011 03:41 PM (kCT7A)

50 43 I'm so glad it's over after tonight.

I'm sick of hearing about the friggin Bruins.

Posted by: leftover soothsayers at June 15, 2011 07:31 PM (S2LZH)

I got rid of my cable* when the Cup started. I'd be hard-pressed to pick teams I'm less interested in. (In fairness, the Canucks themselves aren't the problem -- I hate HATE HATE their announcers, which sorta dampens following hockey on the West Coast.)

That said, I've been following the NHL's Wheel of Discipline through the series. What a joke.

*I'm probably going to watch hockey via PS3 app next season. They'll give me HD, which Time Warner's version of Center Ice won't.

Posted by: Meiczyslaw at June 15, 2011 03:41 PM (bjRNS)

51 That, and the fact that the Canucks are a bunch of knuckle-dragging cheap shot artists. They've clearly been coached to try to take out players.

Posted by: Y-not at June 15, 2011 07:37 PM (TFxd0)

I can't believe that a Canadian team hasn't won a cup since 1993. If you're a Canadian who loves the game, it has to be humiliating to see US teams - Sunbelt teams yet - dominate your game.

Posted by: Ombudsman at June 15, 2011 03:41 PM (6U4X6)

Where is the Stanley Cup Thread?

Game 7, yo!?

Posted by: garrett at June 15, 2011 03:42 PM (dMnQZ)

53 This is gonna be GREAT! (the Game 7 I mean) /flounder off

Posted by: BlackOrchid at June 15, 2011 03:43 PM (SB0V2)

54 /flounder off

Posted by: BlackOrchid at June 15, 2011 07:43 PM (SB0V2)

Face it- you fucked up. You trusted us

/ Otter off

Posted by: Eric Stratton at June 15, 2011 03:45 PM (6U4X6)

55 51 That, and the fact that the Canucks are a bunch of knuckle-dragging cheap shot artists. They've clearly been coached to try to take out players.
Posted by: Y-not at June 15, 2011 07:37 PM (TFxd0)

Haven't gotten to watch much of the series, but if you're right, this is bullshit. I look forward to watching tonight. And I'm safe (for now...until Peaches and Bebe show up!) right by the airport in LA. Cheers! Free hockey!!!

Posted by: NC Ref at June 15, 2011 03:46 PM (59gom)

56 48 The way this series has gone, I gotta believe the Canucks are only in it because they're getting some kind of mystical magical home ice advantage. They've barely squeaked by at their home games while the Bs have clobbered them in Boston.

It's the last change. (The home team gets the last change on a face-off.) The Bruins, as good as they are, have a real difference in the quality of their defensive pairings. Because the Canucks first two lines can avoid Chara, they can put more pressure on the attack.

I'm thinking the Canucks have about a 70% chance to win this game.

Posted by: Meiczyslaw at June 15, 2011 03:47 PM (bjRNS)

57 That, and the fact that the Canucks are a bunch of knuckle-dragging cheap shot artists. They've clearly been coached to try to take out players.
Posted by: Y-not at June 15, 2011 07:37 PM (TFxd0)

Old time hockey, eh? Eddie Shore!

Posted by: Hansen Brothers at June 15, 2011 03:47 PM (6U4X6)

58 Charlie Brown has no use for a dildo. Okay?

Peppermint Pattie on the other hand.

Posted by: toby928™ at June 15, 2011 03:49 PM (GTbGH)

She's making the bank

Posted by: stuiec at June 15, 2011 07:29 PM (HMdeP)

You've just outed yourself and an unhip, old fart.

I know that because I'm an old dog in a young man's sport, so I can commiserate.

Posted by: ErikW at June 15, 2011 03:50 PM (2+jgD)

Posted by: Y-not at June 15, 2011 07:37 PM (TFxd0)

and the Bruins aren't? the Bruins have gotten away w/ just as many cheap shots and frankly Horton had it coming after his various shenanigans, including throwing crap at my fellow Bolts fans in game 6 after they lost that one.

the reason the series has gotten so ugly is because BOTH teams play dirty and rough and I saw "getting personal" aspect of a Bruins VS Canucks series from a mile away.

Posted by: YRM at June 15, 2011 03:50 PM (UzBwz)

61 "Always look on the bright, side, of life." -- Thomas Jefferson Alexander Hamilton

Posted by: that guy at June 15, 2011 03:51 PM (GTbGH)

62 ATMs don't destroy jobs. Politicians who treat the country like an ATM destroy jobs.

Posted by: Truman North at June 15, 2011 03:52 PM (G5JPI)

63 Peppermint Pattie on the other hand.

Posted by: toby928Â™ at June 15, 2011 07:49 PM (GTbGH)

Probably had a strap-on. Definitely lez.

Posted by: ErikW at June 15, 2011 03:52 PM (2+jgD)

64 "Always look on the bright, side, of life." -- Thomas Jefferson Alexander Hamilton

Posted by: that guy at June 15, 2011 07:51 PM (GTbGH)

Except for you. Your ass is mine.

Posted by: Aaron Burr at June 15, 2011 03:54 PM (6U4X6)

65 Marcie likes oysters and snails.

Posted by: toby928™ at June 15, 2011 03:55 PM (GTbGH)

Posted by: Ombudsman at June 15, 2011 07:41 PM (6U4X6)

Canadian NHL Teams Since 93:

94 - Rangers def. Canucks 4-3

04 - my Bolts def. Flames 4-3

06 - Hurricanes def. Oilers 4-3

07 - Ducks def. Senators 4-1

11 - Canucks VS Bruins 3-3 (Game 7 Tonight)

btw since that 93 win by Montreal we've had 6 first time cup winning teams from the US win the cup (Devils in 95, Avalanche in 96, Stars in 99, Lightning in 04, Hurricanes in 06, & Ducks in 07)

Posted by: YRM at June 15, 2011 03:55 PM (UzBwz)

67 I'd like to fail and still walk away with millions of dollars.

Posted by: Lemon Kitten at June 15, 2011 03:56 PM (0fzsA)

68 New post.

Posted by: toby928™ at June 15, 2011 03:58 PM (GTbGH)

69 62: +100

Posted by: PaleRider at June 15, 2011 04:00 PM (dkExz)

70 about time we had an NHL post

Posted by: YRM (Go Canucks Tonight) at June 15, 2011 04:00 PM (UzBwz)

71 Leno, but I don't watch either. Sorry.

Posted by: Rick Santorum at June 15, 2011 04:05 PM (Ga8x4)

72 I know I'm gonna regret saying this but, my daughter was there for this. She said it was great.

Posted by: Tami at June 15, 2011 04:11 PM (X6akg)

What he meant to say is I'm a dickwad liberal entertainer who has made it a lot harder for you to find a job.

Posted by: Drumming at June 15, 2011 04:14 PM (lnxmm)

Marcie likes oysters and snails.

Posted by: toby928Â™ at June 15, 2011 07:55 PM (GTbGH)

That's a new one! Nice!

Posted by: ErikW at June 15, 2011 04:15 PM (2+jgD)

75 Tami why would one regret saying their daughter graduated or had a friend or SO graduating from Dartmouth? Congrats to whomever. I'm influenced by the powerline folks from when I used to read them but I got the impression Dartmouth hasn't sunk as far as some other Ivies.

Posted by: PaleRider at June 15, 2011 04:19 PM (dkExz)

76 She's a junior there Palerider. Probably one of the 10 most conservative kids at that school....and not afraid to tell her professors that.

(I said that because I know how people here feel about Ivy schools.)

Posted by: Tami at June 15, 2011 04:23 PM (X6akg)

77 Well...... given some famous Harvard law school graduates I think I'd argue against anyone going there -even if offered a scholarship --as I would guess schools compete for top talent to keep boosting their images. But my own state university I graduated from is a mess of PC crap and a party school. The engineering college was decent when I went and probably still is but if I were a parent I wouldn't send my kids to any of the bachelor of arts schools even with in-state tuition.

Posted by: PaleRider at June 15, 2011 04:37 PM (dkExz)

78 59 She's making the bank Posted by: stuiec at June 15, 2011 07:29 PM (HMdeP) You've just outed yourself and an unhip, old fart. I know that because I'm an old dog in a young man's sport, so I can commiserate. Â Posted by: ErikW at June 15, 2011 07:50 PM (2+jgD) It's so true - but that was established about me on last night's ONT.

Posted by: stuiec at June 15, 2011 04:38 PM (HMdeP)

79 Wow sweet pass.

Posted by: NC Ref at June 15, 2011 04:43 PM (OXZsr)

80 It's so true - but that was established about me on last night's ONT.

Posted by: stuiec at June 15, 2011 08:38 PM (HMdeP)

I don't do the ONT, because it's unhip as well.

_{And also because it's past my bedtime.}

_*coff*

Posted by: ErikW at June 15, 2011 04:45 PM (2+jgD)

81 Just killer. Great speech.

Posted by: Berserker at June 15, 2011 04:47 PM (FMbng)

Posted by: leftover soothsayers at June 15, 2011 07:27 PM

You're missing the history. Ace went on a rant about accountability on his end coupled with the annonimity of commenters and stated that someone could write whatever they wanted and call themselves "Charlie Brown's dildo", If I'm not mistaken that was the moment NJ Conservative morphed...

Posted by: KZnextzone at June 15, 2011 04:57 PM (ZUWaD)

83 Never mind anything. WE are supposed to feel gifted that Gifford's has been released. That is the news, god damn it.

Posted by: Ginger Ale at June 15, 2011 05:00 PM (Rx9BH)

84 Lace wigs

Posted by: Ginger Ale at June 15, 2011 05:01 PM (Rx9BH)

85 This WAS an excellent speech and fits my daughter's freshman year experience. It WAS awesome!

Posted by: DefendUSA at June 15, 2011 05:04 PM (c81D+)

86 Tuna, it smells like tuna.

Posted by: Sully at June 15, 2011 05:10 PM (u/9pG)

87 Actually, I really thought his speech was spot on. I am the victim of my own stupidity regarding graduate student loans. He was moving, and honest, which is rare these days.

Posted by: Sully at June 15, 2011 05:12 PM (u/9pG)

I normally hate criticizing Ace, but...

The "takeaway" is the whole damn video. You really suck the freakin wind out of it. You watch the video waiting for that moment. Honey Badger is displeased

Posted by: theworldisnotenough at June 15, 2011 07:35 PM (BRXFk)

89 In our daily life, we pay more attention to our dress-up and life taste. In 2011 summer, we don't need to worry about it because summer clothing is always stylish and charming. However, we often feel annoyed in winter because those winter coats in general are heavy. Thus, we cannot show our personality and style during the winter time. However, when the canada goose label comes into our sights, we know that everything would be all right. It is because Canada goose clothing can bring us a stylish and charming look even under the brutal conditions.(yang)

Posted by: canada goose at June 15, 2011 07:45 PM (+Yddc)

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Posted by: makeup at June 15, 2011 11:25 PM (nJrdC)

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