October 22, 2011

Critique This Murder Attempt
— LauraW

This just had to have been a spur-of-the-moment kind of homicide, because there's no way anyone could be stupid enough to plan one so badly.

The husband, 36, said he woke up to find a power tool on his neck, which was switched on.

He was treated in hospital for cuts to his neck and shoulder, according to reports.

The victim said it was dark when he first woke but witnessed his wife holding the power saw as soon as he turned the light on.

A power tool? How in the world did he escape certain death?

Hmm. Ah. No.

I mean, yeah, reciprocating saws can hurt you. But...you can definitely get away from this thing. It's not like a whopping chainsaw where as the victim on the business end, you can't reach around to the handle to grab it away from the attacker, and it's just tearing through massive gobs of flesh in an instant and oh my God intestines on my new shoes.

A Sawzall blade is way smaller, and the nose where you can safely grab it and direct it away is right there and the operator has to use both hands to control it, usually. So a man should be able to push this thing away and get a woman off him pretty quickly and receive only minor injuries. Which is apparently what happened.

And the noise. How did she think she was going to keep him from waking up?

There's more atrocious mistakes made/ lack of sensible murder prep at the link. I'm sure you guys will pick up on them all.

No forethought or intelligent effort was invested, whatsoever. This is just disappointing. You rarely see these things done well anymore. It's always some dumbass covered with the victim's blood, saying they saw a boogeyman.

What kind of times are we living in?

Posted by: LauraW at 01:43 PM | Comments (192)
Post contains 317 words, total size 2 kb.

1 dumbass

Posted by: trailortrash at October 22, 2011 01:45 PM (xllDV)

2 One lucky SOB.  lucky he married such a dummy, that is.

Posted by: Chi-Town Jerry at October 22, 2011 01:46 PM (UTq/I)

3 He'd better watch it.  Next time she'll throw in AA batteries while he's taking a bath.

Posted by: AmishDude at October 22, 2011 01:47 PM (73tyQ)

4 In retrospect, maybe those marriage counseling sessions at Home Depot were a mistake.

Posted by: husband at October 22, 2011 01:47 PM (5H6zj)

5

What did I do to piss you off this time baaaaby????

Posted by: J Geils at October 22, 2011 01:48 PM (w9/cy)

6 Next time your wife asks, 'do these jeans make my butt look big?' think of this!

Posted by: Holly at October 22, 2011 01:51 PM (nqctR)

7 Sawzall, hatchet...I'm sensing a theme.

Posted by: huerfano at October 22, 2011 01:52 PM (fecOD)

8 Okay, this plan is off for my ex-wife then.

Posted by: Blaster at October 22, 2011 01:52 PM (Fw2Gg)

9 If you know how to use a sawzall, you should be able to do some serious damage to your sleeping victim before they have a chance to stop you. OK, cutting their whole head off in one go might be a bit optimistic, but taking out some major blood vessels should be doable. You get the blade in position and then in one stroke you hit the trigger and plunge the blade into the neck at the jugular.

And for a woman, don't they already have the kill your sleeping husband defense all worked out? You just have to claim some kind of abuse. That's harder to pull off though if you leave him alive to tell his side.

Posted by: Anon Y. Mous at October 22, 2011 01:53 PM (2iNyf)

10 This is why, in the olden days, girls took home economics and boys took shop. The Patriarchy knew what it was doing in keeping the womyn down.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at October 22, 2011 01:55 PM (REXkU)

11 Lazy. Whatever happened to the good old days when women would just put rat poison in your coffee?

Simpler times.

Posted by: Glenn Frey at October 22, 2011 01:56 PM (B0LGd)

12 I would have used an icicle...no prints

Posted by: Alaska Gal at October 22, 2011 01:56 PM (w9/cy)

13 "Honey, why is the wood chipper in the bedroom?" Oh well. Anything that makes me forget about the SCOAMF I guess. (BTW I misspelled SCOAMF and my iPhone just corrected it! Ha!) It's Saturday Moron Nation. See ya all around the Marula tree.

Posted by: PugBoo Four Legged TeaPug Jihadist at October 22, 2011 02:01 PM (/WpPE)

14 The stabbing attempt with the soup spoon didn't go anywhere either.

Posted by: al-Cicero, Tea Party Jihadist at October 22, 2011 02:01 PM (Ys0KI)

15

A womam with a power tool?! Tieing my shoes is more dangerous.

 

 

 

Posted by: Z Ryan ;) at October 22, 2011 02:02 PM (tsC/8)

16 In fairness, it is entirely possible Cosmo-Mag suggested she do this to "spice things up".

Posted by: ktgreat at October 22, 2011 02:03 PM (hqGID)

17 So when it comes to murdering your man with power tools, LauraW. recommends gas power over voltage. What an adorable little mean streak she has(clutching my neck).

Posted by: Spiker at October 22, 2011 02:03 PM (MaA4d)

18 The guy is 36.  How old is the woman?  34?  Younger?

Me?  I blame our public education system.

Posted by: Jack at October 22, 2011 02:03 PM (zKFOT)

19 First I tried to put his head in the blender but it wouldn't fit.

Posted by: A Homicidal Wife at October 22, 2011 02:05 PM (Ys0KI)

20 So when it comes to murdering your man with power tools, LauraW. recommends gas power over voltage.

What an adorable little mean streak she has(clutching my neck).

Posted by: Spiker at October 22, 2011 06:03 PM (MaA4d)

Heh, like a chick would know how to cold start a 2 cycle chainsaw engine.

Posted by: ErikW at October 22, 2011 02:06 PM (nk0Yp)

21 Whatever happened to good old yankee ingenuity I think she needed a mexican to do this job an american can't do

Posted by: Doom am I, full-ripe, dealing death to the worlds, engaged in devouring mankind. at October 22, 2011 02:06 PM (6QZ7V)

22 In fairness, it is entirely possible Cosmo-Mag suggested she do this to "spice things up".

Posted by: ktgreat

 

Now that right there is pretty funny.

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes.... at October 22, 2011 02:07 PM (sJTmU)

23 Speaking of SCOAMF, I see steevy hasn't yet arrived, so:

Obama is a stuttering clusterf*ck of a miserable failure.

Carry on.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at October 22, 2011 02:08 PM (REXkU)

24 It could have been a fine tooth blade.. or it could have been mounted up facing..

She might have also got a kickback when she first started it..

Lol.. she should have practiced on the kids first!

Posted by: Chi-Town Jerry at October 22, 2011 02:09 PM (UTq/I)

25 Speaking of SCOAMF, I see steevy hasn't yet arrived, so:

Obama is a stuttering clusterf*ck of a miserable failure.

Carry on.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at October 22, 2011 06:08 PM (REXkU)

Thanks for the proxy!

DRINK!

Posted by: ErikW at October 22, 2011 02:09 PM (nk0Yp)

26 I blame Sarah Palin and the tea party climate of hate.

Posted by: Brendan at October 22, 2011 02:09 PM (2jQGY)

27

18 The guy is 36. How old is the woman? 34? Younger?

Article said she was 43. ....Seven years older. That's not a lot, but could be some basis for raging jealousy if she'd been doing the sugar mama thing for him.

Posted by: ConservativeMenAreJustHotter at October 22, 2011 02:10 PM (OEMhx)

28 One pissed off spouse. He's lucky to be alive to grumble about it. She'll get off with a plea, no doubt some kind of abuse defense. I'd be finding new digs if I were him, kinda hard to stay awake 24/7.

Posted by: tonynoboloney at October 22, 2011 02:10 PM (61GLw)

29

ninjas of love never really sleep.

 

they just wait.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at October 22, 2011 02:10 PM (PjVdx)

30 No hatchet available?

Posted by: lizzie borden at October 22, 2011 02:10 PM (GTbGH)

31 Forget it.

Posted by: Dremel Moto-Tool at October 22, 2011 02:12 PM (Ys0KI)

32 She just forgot to put the special head on the fucksaw.

Posted by: toby928© at October 22, 2011 02:12 PM (GTbGH)

33 Dude!

How deep a sleeper is that man?

Posted by: As If! at October 22, 2011 02:13 PM (piMMO)

34 USE THE HAMMERDRILL

Posted by: at October 22, 2011 02:13 PM (GTbGH)

35

Well I think she should have pinned him to the bed with a nail gun first. Then duck-taped his mouth and then proceed with the reciprocating saw. .....That's if she was dead-set on going the Home Improvement route.

But personally.....I think she should have just taken him on a camping trip. ....Near some cliffs.

Posted by: ConservativeMenAreJustHotter at October 22, 2011 02:14 PM (OEMhx)

36 5

What did I do to piss you off this time baaaaby????

--------------

She said MmmMmmMmMm, I don't know.

Posted by: f2000 at October 22, 2011 02:14 PM (FcMtg)

37 No hatchet available?

Yes! She had already washed it. She had the sawzall, a hatchet, and another saw.

So, again, how deep a sleeper was that man that she drew blood in several places before he woke up?

Posted by: As If! at October 22, 2011 02:14 PM (piMMO)

38 Why do I feel that alcohol was involved?

Posted by: toby928© at October 22, 2011 02:16 PM (GTbGH)

39 Ma'am, you're doing it wrong!

Posted by: Sawzall Customer Support at October 22, 2011 02:17 PM (REXkU)

40 Should have used a limb blade ...

Posted by: USCitizen at October 22, 2011 02:18 PM (VoMvU)

41

32 She just forgot to put the special head on the fucksaw.

Maybe she found some 'trace' of another woman on that special head......and that is why she was so intent on using it on him?

Posted by: ConservativeMenAreJustHotter at October 22, 2011 02:18 PM (OEMhx)

42 Why don't they name the woman?

Posted by: Wm T Sherman at October 22, 2011 02:18 PM (SYrAh)

43 Speaking of murder.

I was sitting here, working away and watching FNC. A half hour later and I log-off the phone and sign off from work and turn around and find I'm watching 'E!'. Not that that isn't bad enough, but they are talking about Casey Anthony. There are all these people talking about what a wonderful connection she had with her daughter, as if they had been personal friends. I mean, statements like "She was so connected with her Kaylee..."

They are folks who worked on the defense.

RYFKM?!

Posted by: As If! at October 22, 2011 02:18 PM (piMMO)

44 Now, I'm stuck watching the effin train wreck.

Posted by: As If! at October 22, 2011 02:19 PM (piMMO)

45 Broads shouldn't be allowed to use power tools. Or vote.

Posted by: USS Diversity at October 22, 2011 02:19 PM (aD5Kx)

46 I use my sawsall a lot for trimming trees and brush. A tree blade is about 8" long and has large serrated teeth. If she had used one of those blades he would have woke up long enough to bleed to death awake.

If she had been rather strong she may could have made it all the way through his neck in a few seconds with one of those blades.

Posted by: Vic at October 22, 2011 02:20 PM (YdQQY)

47 She couldn't kill a sleeping man with a HATCHET? That's humanity's original murder tool.

Posted by: Trimegistus at October 22, 2011 02:20 PM (jwf9q)

48

Fuck, we used to have good murderers here in washington. National murderers famous for their trail of multiple victims Now look at us.

Posted by: robtr at October 22, 2011 02:22 PM (MtwBb)

49

Critique This Murder Attempt

A reciprocating saw isn't designed for decapitation. If, however, she wanted to make a clean cut in his thorasic cavity so that when he woke up he would see her holding his still-beating heart, she picked the right tool.

Proper planning (what the lawyers call premeditation) would've had her giving hubby one of those ergonomic pillows the night before. A miter saw would work splendidly with one of those.

Posted by: FireHorse at October 22, 2011 02:22 PM (XFU/t)

50 Reciprocating saw? You imbecile, that's not a reciprocating saw! That's a Doc Johnson Vibrating Fist Penetrator... the elongated long thing on the left side is the handle, and the white lever sets the speed.

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 02:23 PM (niZvt)

51 She couldn't kill a sleeping man with a HATCHET? That's humanity's original murder tool.
Posted by: Trimegistus at October 22, 2011 06:20 PM

Rock first.  Then, rock tied to stick.  Then hatchet.

Posted by: huerfano at October 22, 2011 02:24 PM (fecOD)

52 If only you people would pass our bill, there'd be enough cops to stop this sort of thing.

Posted by: Scranton Joe at October 22, 2011 02:25 PM (REXkU)

53 Critique this, lauraw: http://goo.gl/WPaoT

Posted by: mike at October 22, 2011 02:25 PM (DwgH5)

54 If she had been rather strong she may could have made it all the way through his neck in a few seconds with one of those blades.

Posted by: Vic at October 22, 2011 06:20 PM (YdQQY)

Well, you're assuming that she would know how to hold it.

I mean, she would know how to plug it in (same as a vacuum cleaner) but she would be just as likely to hold it upside down as hold it right side up, she being a female and all.

 

Posted by: ErikW at October 22, 2011 02:26 PM (nk0Yp)

55 Protip: chloroform

Posted by: Casey Anthony at October 22, 2011 02:26 PM (s7mIC)

56 Amateur!  You use the sawzall after they're dead.  ::facepalm::  Clearly, she didn't even read the directions.

Posted by: Guy who knows about this stuff at October 22, 2011 02:26 PM (Ba7Wl)

57 I mean, she would know how to plug it in (same as a vacuum cleaner) but she would be just as likely to hold it upside down as hold it right side up, she being a female and all.

Bite my ass.

You know you had that coming.

Posted by: As If! at October 22, 2011 02:27 PM (piMMO)

58 She couldn't kill a sleeping man with a HATCHET? That's humanity's original murder tool. You kids today, I swear.

Posted by: Zombie Lizzy Borden at October 22, 2011 02:27 PM (9Lm5R)

59 Rock first.

Rock?

Posted by: proto-human from "2001 - A Space Odyssey", clutching a tapir femur at October 22, 2011 02:28 PM (FDAl+)

60 Maybe she wanted sex.

Posted by: soothsayer at October 22, 2011 02:29 PM (LPRBM)

61 The original murder tool? Pointed sticks. First even before fresh fruit.

Posted by: Fourth Man at October 22, 2011 02:29 PM (REXkU)

62 She'd been better off trying to beat him to death with a Shake WeightTM

Posted by: Breaker19 at October 22, 2011 02:30 PM (ze29X)

63 Remember the story a few months ago about the college sex class? They used a reciprocating saw with a Biden attached to it.

Posted by: soothsayer at October 22, 2011 02:31 PM (Y4TdB)

64 Bite my ass.

You know you had that coming.

Posted by: As If! at October 22, 2011 06:27 PM (piMMO)

Posted by: ErikW at October 22, 2011 02:31 PM (nk0Yp)

65 THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MAKE FUN OF THE DRUMMERS

Posted by: Crazy Wife and OWS Hippie at October 22, 2011 02:32 PM (s7mIC)

66 I'm going to step out on a limb here and say this woman is not a big CSI watcher.

Posted by: huerfano at October 22, 2011 02:32 PM (fecOD)

67 ErikW@54,

Yeah, she should've kept practicing on his sammiches to hone her skills. Really poor planning and execution from beginning to end.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at October 22, 2011 02:34 PM (REXkU)

68 She might've tried to suck his brains out with a Car VacTM

(they're on sale at Target)

Posted by: Breaker19 at October 22, 2011 02:35 PM (ze29X)

69 She should have gone with the frozen lamb leg to the head. Then she could have roasted it (the lamb) and invited the investigating police to dinner, like in that episode of Hitchcock.

Posted by: BuddyPC at October 22, 2011 02:35 PM (nSkOL)

70 She might've tried to suck his brains out with a Car VacTM

She could have driven the saw into his eye or cut through the cartilage in his nose and had more success.

Posted by: As If! at October 22, 2011 02:38 PM (piMMO)

71 She should have gone with the frozen lamb leg to the head. Then she could have roasted it (the lamb) and invited the investigating police to dinner, like in that episode of Hitchcock. Posted by: BuddyPC at October 22, 2011 06:35 PM

Wow, Mrs. Johnson, I've never had such a tender roast.  How do you do it?

Posted by: huerfano at October 22, 2011 02:38 PM (fecOD)

72 69 She should have gone with the frozen lamb leg to the head. Then she could have roasted it (the lamb) and invited the investigating police to dinner, like in that episode of Hitchcock.

Wasn't that a Roald Dahl story?

Posted by: Zimriel at October 22, 2011 02:39 PM (6GvAC)

73 She should have gone with the frozen lamb leg to the head. Then she could have roasted it (the lamb) and invited the investigating police to dinner, like in that episode of Hitchcock.

Screw that! A frozen armadillo is the way to go!

Posted by: As If! at October 22, 2011 02:39 PM (piMMO)

74 >>and it's just tearing through massive gobs of flesh in an instant and oh my God intestines on my new shoes.

If the man did in fact have intestines in his neck, it may have been an attempt by a physically and emotionally exhausted wife at a mercy killing.

Posted by: ontherocks at October 22, 2011 02:40 PM (HBqDo)

75 60 Maybe she wanted sex. Posted by: soothsayer at October 22, 2011 06:29 PM (LPRBM) You mean, she wanted some head?

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 02:41 PM (niZvt)

76 "If an ice pick is not available, use a toothpick" - 8 Simple Rules for Killing Your Husband

Posted by: Breaker19 at October 22, 2011 02:42 PM (ze29X)

77 I'd have grabbed the saw and made her fix me a sammich.

Posted by: USS Diversity at October 22, 2011 02:42 PM (aD5Kx)

78  I'd have grabbed the saw and made her fix me a sammich.

Posted by: USS Diversity at October 22, 2011 06:42 PM (aD5Kx)

This.

Posted by: Osama bin Truck Monkey, TEArrorist Son of a Bitch at October 22, 2011 02:45 PM (jucos)

79 Yeah, she should've kept practicing on his sammiches to hone her skills. Really poor planning and execution from beginning to end.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at October 22, 2011 06:34 PM (REXkU)

A case study of missed opportunities.

Crazy bitch shoulda just gone old school and cut his dick off with a dull chef's knife.

It would be dull because chicks don't know to sharpen them either.

Posted by: ErikW at October 22, 2011 02:45 PM (nk0Yp)

80

I once woke up with a headache and heavy wooden rocking chair on my face.

The ex-wife ("Plantiff" to you and me) had put it there forceabley whilst I slept.

Just call me lucky or call her dumb, I don't really care.

Posted by: Whitehall at October 22, 2011 02:46 PM (1+mGd)

81 Sort of related, since it murdered yesterday's evening: We finally saw the last installment of the Harry Potter flicks, and GOD, that series is ending not a minute too soon. This is a kids' movie??? Murder and mayhem galore, including the (not quite what it seemed) murder of Harry Potter himself! A small kid sitting behind us started freaking out right after the apparent killing, humming to himself to calm down. His mother tried desperately to console him. What the hell is going on, when even kids' movies are now as full of mayhem and sadism as Silence of the Lambs and the Batman movies EVER were??

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 02:46 PM (niZvt)

82

Nail gun in the medulla oblongata would do the trick.

Posted by: CanaDave at October 22, 2011 02:47 PM (IkUvh)

83 Why not just use a Slap Chop on his neck and a Sham Wow to soak up the blood? Those are more suited to a woman's kitchen based skill set.

Posted by: Vince! at October 22, 2011 02:47 PM (B0LGd)

84 one good hammer or hatchet blow would have done it .. obviously she wanted to get his attention.

So HE needs to be charged with some form of neglect ... if he is a white male, we already know he is guilty.  He needs counseling and probably jail time.  If he goes back home and is killed, it is STILL his fault .. he obviously did not submit.

Any here that don't recognize the white male as the oppressor, probably need sensitivity training.  Hopefully this site is monitored and you Neanderthals will be drug in to be reprogrammed.

Posted by: Illini bill at October 22, 2011 02:48 PM (qYIxi)

85 Hubby lucked out because the little lady not only isn't the sharpest tool in the tool box, she clearly has no clue where to find them.

Posted by: ontherocks at October 22, 2011 02:48 PM (HBqDo)

86 She gets a B+ on Barrack's scale.

She would also get an "I" for "incomplete", but my "I" would be for "incompetent". 

Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at October 22, 2011 02:48 PM (AUdXG)

87 I wonder how good she is in the rack. That would affect my response.

Posted by: USS Diversity at October 22, 2011 02:49 PM (aD5Kx)

88 If she was Chinese, I'd imagine she would have simply shoved two stainless steel chopsticks 7 inches up his nostrils. A skilled chopstick user could then extract his brains bit by runny bit.

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 02:52 PM (niZvt)

89 Empowered Man Murders Controlling Wife In Lifetime For Men Original Movie from The Onion.

  "The new made-for-television movie A Just Killing—the inspiring true story of a man who finds his own inner strength by murdering his needy, overbearing wife—premiered on Lifetime for Men this past Saturday, earning the network its highest ever ratings."

Maybe someday.

Posted by: Guardial at October 22, 2011 02:53 PM (HXO2S)

90 87 I wonder how good she is in the rack. That would affect my response. Posted by: USS Diversity at October 22, 2011 06:49 PM (aD5Kx) She shoved her nipples one in each of his ears, to keep the sound of the saw from waking him up.

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 02:53 PM (niZvt)

91 He was treated in hospital for cuts to his neck and shoulder, according to reports.

Meh, coulda been worse.

Posted by: John Bobbitt at October 22, 2011 02:54 PM (6TB1Z)

92 Maybe she can suck a Sawzall through a garden hose.

Posted by: USS Diversity at October 22, 2011 02:55 PM (aD5Kx)

93 He also told police he was cut with a hatchet.

....

A hatchet in the kitchen was wet and appeared to have been freshly washed, court records state.

At least she had thought of using a secondary weapon to off her husband. 

Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at October 22, 2011 02:55 PM (AUdXG)

94 What the hell is going on, when even kids' movies are now as full of mayhem and sadism as Silence of the Lambs and the Batman movies EVER were??

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 06:46 PM (niZvt)

A segment of our culture is swirling the shitter. Disney is the biggest evil of them all.

I encourage my nieces to watch sports flicks because there is value in them.

Hollywood is morally bankrupt to the extreme.

Posted by: ErikW at October 22, 2011 02:56 PM (nk0Yp)

95 She should have tried suffocating him to death by stretching her labia over his nose and mouth, forming an airtight seal. That would have worked. I'm certain of it.

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 02:59 PM (niZvt)

96 Damn it Navy you had that.

Posted by: USS Diversity at October 22, 2011 03:02 PM (aD5Kx)

97

She should have tried suffocating him to death by stretching her labia over his nose and mouth, forming an airtight seal.

I got nothin

Posted by: USS Diversity at October 22, 2011 03:03 PM (aD5Kx)

98 #95 In your dreams, buddy. I would have crushed him between my silken thighs while he a in the throes of orgasm. Some of us can do that, you know (grins evilly )

Posted by: San Antonio Rose at October 22, 2011 03:03 PM (F12pH)

99 nail gun FTW

Posted by: The Great Satan's Ghost at October 22, 2011 03:03 PM (08Pe8)

100 At least if my wife gets that pissed, it'll be a double tap. None of this sawzall shit.  She shoots as well as any female I've ever encountered.

  Have to say, reading about this kind of crap is wearing.  Did we run out of normal, everyday people, or something?

Posted by: irongrampa at October 22, 2011 03:04 PM (SAMxH)

101 >>I wonder how good she is in the rack.

If this were 17th Century New England she'd probably be there right now.
On the other hand sawzalls were pms powered in those days, which would have aided stealth and efficiency.
She just might have skated.

Posted by: ontherocks at October 22, 2011 03:05 PM (HBqDo)

102 What kind of times are we living in? Posted by: LauraW Interesting times, my dear. Interesting.

Posted by: soothsayer at October 22, 2011 03:05 PM (KUrJA)

103 I would have crushed him between my silken thighs while he was in the throes of orgasm. Some of us can do that, you know (grins evilly ) Posted by: San Antonio Rose at October 22, 2011 07:03 PM (F12pH) Why yes, I do know that. *Tightening my belt*

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 03:05 PM (niZvt)

104 If I was that guy, and woke up with that thing on my neck, I would have gotten even with her by blowing into the vajajay!!

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 03:08 PM (niZvt)

105   Have to say, reading about this kind of crap is wearing.  Did we run out of normal, everyday people, or something?

Posted by: irongrampa at October 22, 2011 07:04 PM (SAMxH)

I think this is a refuge from the normal political posts and commentary that beats everyone to death.

The political wonkiness is a bit too strong around here.

Posted by: ErikW at October 22, 2011 03:08 PM (nk0Yp)

106

OT.  Time to cut slingload from this turd too.

http://tinyurl.com/65sldw6

Posted by: MAJHAM at October 22, 2011 03:10 PM (ecBKc)

107 Slow around here today.

Posted by: molasses at October 22, 2011 03:14 PM (5H6zj)

108

See, this is why you only marry a woman with very, very, very large breasts.

 

My theory remains solid.

Posted by: CAC at October 22, 2011 03:14 PM (Yxi4M)

109

OT.  Time to cut slingload from this turd too.

MAJHAM at October 22, 2011 07:10 PM (ecBKc)

 

Way past time. These cocksuckers are not our friends.

Posted by: ErikW at October 22, 2011 03:15 PM (nk0Yp)

110

Never let it be said that Washington State doesn't have its fair share of crazy dumb people.

Oh wait, we elected Patty Murray and Maria Cantwell, guess that fact is already obvious.

Posted by: ParanoidStillAGirlInSeattle at October 22, 2011 03:16 PM (RZ8pf)

111 I needed a good laugh and I've been LOLing all the way through this thread.

Posted by: As If! at October 22, 2011 03:16 PM (piMMO)

112 Honey, i was just trying to trim your hair.

Posted by: willow at October 22, 2011 03:18 PM (h+qn8)

113

Oh wait, we elected Patty Murray and Maria Cantwell, guess that fact is already obvious.

Posted by: ParanoidStillAGirlInSeattle at October 22, 2011 07:16 PM (RZ8pf)

I wonder who is doing all that vital muslim philathropic work now that Osama Obama killed Usama?  Patty Murray seemed to imply that Usama was a regular Bill Gates.

Posted by: Osama bin Truck Monkey, TEArrorist Son of a Bitch at October 22, 2011 03:19 PM (jucos)

114

Besides I thought that the Sawzall was supposed to be used after the person was already dead, to cut up the body into managable little pieces. After rolling it onto a plastic shower curtain to make clean-up easier.

Not that I know anything about that sort of thing. Nope.

Posted by: ParanoidStillAGirlInSeattle at October 22, 2011 03:19 PM (RZ8pf)

115 What the hell is going on, when even kids' movies are now as full of mayhem and sadism as Silence of the Lambs and the Batman movies EVER were??

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 06:46 PM (niZvt)

We quit sugarcoating reality back in 1983.

You just started to notice.

Frankly, I'm glad. The world is more and more like the ending of The Mist than a damn Disney film anyway. Brace your children for the suck, and they can beat it back and be fantastically happy.

Posted by: CAC at October 22, 2011 03:21 PM (Yxi4M)

116 honestly , she should have suggested a fishing trip.

Posted by: willow at October 22, 2011 03:22 PM (h+qn8)

117

Not that I know anything about that sort of thing. Nope.

Posted by: ParanoiDStillAGirlInSEattle at October 22, 2011 07:19 PM (XTERpf)

Ah...

Posted by: CAC at October 22, 2011 03:22 PM (ZJ0R+)

118 I have been hearing a lot about head chopping lately.

i don't remember hearing about it that often prior to last decade

Posted by: willow at October 22, 2011 03:23 PM (h+qn8)

119 Too bad for her that back in High School she spent shop class texting instead of paying attention to the power drill instructions.

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 03:24 PM (niZvt)

120 106 OT. Time to cut slingload from this turd too. http://tinyurl.com/65sldw6 Posted by: MAJHAM at October 22, 2011 07:10 PM (ecBKc) You know, considering all the US-provided security personnel he's got around him, just how hard would it be for us to make Karzai wake up to the sound of his severed head hitting the floor of his bedroom?

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 03:26 PM (niZvt)

121
  Not into this tonite. Besides there's guns to clean.



   Have an excellent evening, good people. See ya tomorrow.

Posted by: irongrampa at October 22, 2011 03:27 PM (SAMxH)

122 We need the government to step in and mandate a three day waiting period on all power tools.

Posted by: pawn at October 22, 2011 03:27 PM (iMsF6)

123 that  will teach him to ever ask her again to make him a sammich.

Posted by: willow at October 22, 2011 03:29 PM (h+qn8)

124 This whole thread is deader than Ben Stein's severed foreskin tonight. And unlike Stein's foreskin, if you rub it won't expand into a wallet.

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 03:30 PM (niZvt)

125 She couldn't operate a hatchet so her 2nd option was a Sawzall?


At the same link : Man caught driving with 3 tires, 1 baby.

Posted by: Dr Spank at October 22, 2011 03:30 PM (L8TIZ)

126 You're gonna love my nuts!

Posted by: Vince! at October 22, 2011 03:31 PM (B0LGd)

127 At the same link : Man caught driving with 3 tires, 1 baby. Posted by: Dr Spank at October 22, 2011 07:30 PM (L8TIZ) Well, the baby must have been well rounded, after that.

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 03:32 PM (niZvt)

128 There was a episode of Tales from the Crypt where the main character used a Sawzall-like tool properly - to dismember the body of the significant other and hide the pieces in a trunk.  "Two for the Show". 

Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at October 22, 2011 03:33 PM (AUdXG)

129 That will teach him to never buy her power tools for her birthday ever again!

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 03:33 PM (niZvt)

130 >>You know, considering all the US-provided security personnel he's got around him, just how hard would it be for us to make Karzai wake up to the sound of his severed head hitting the floor of his bedroom?
Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 07:26 PM (niZvt)

In concept, prolly doable. But the acoustic part would be tricky and have to be executed like greased lightning.

Posted by: ontherocks at October 22, 2011 03:33 PM (HBqDo)

131 Have an excellent evening, good people. See ya tomorrow.

Posted by: irongrampa at October 22, 2011 07:27 PM (SAMxH)

And a relaxing evening to you as well.

Posted by: ErikW at October 22, 2011 03:35 PM (nk0Yp)

132 well at least she didn't throw cup-cakes at him.

Posted by: willow at October 22, 2011 03:35 PM (h+qn8)

133 At the same link : Man caught driving with 3 tires, 1 baby.

Did he mount the baby on the front axle or the back?

Posted by: As If! at October 22, 2011 03:39 PM (piMMO)

134 See the real problem with a tool like that is that the battery is never fully charged

Posted by: Nevergiveup at October 22, 2011 03:39 PM (aYQHH)

135 Is this what Law and Order would refer to as "hesitation wounds"?

Posted by: As If! at October 22, 2011 03:41 PM (piMMO)

136 It's worse than that. This thread's dead, Jim!

Posted by: Bones McCoy at October 22, 2011 03:45 PM (niZvt)

137 The electric skill saw is dangerous. Durable also. I used to drop a Milwaukee 12 times a shift and it took nearly 6 months to break one.

Posted by: FlaviusJulius at October 22, 2011 03:46 PM (ieDPL)

138 Damn.

Where' a DOOM thread when you need one?

Posted by: As If! at October 22, 2011 03:46 PM (piMMO)

139 Main Problem. I've been watching this new network called ID, It's all true crime. The police look at the spouse first. Know why? Because husbands and wives kill each other. Sad but true. So she saws his head off in a bloody, gory mess. And the cops are going to think, "Gee, who could have been pissed off at him enough to do such a hideous thing?" Then the cop thinks about the last fight he had with his wife. And right away he knows that the wife did it.

Posted by: nerdygirl at October 22, 2011 03:47 PM (7zwe6)

140 She used the wrong blade...also, for murder you really don't want a cordless model.

Posted by: garrett at October 22, 2011 03:48 PM (gtVJa)

141 See the real problem with a tool like that is that the battery is never fully charged

Posted by: Nevergiveup at October 22, 2011 07:39 PM (aYQHH)

That's why I have a 15 amp Milwaukee with a 50' extension cord.

Posted by: ErikW at October 22, 2011 03:49 PM (nk0Yp)

142 chopping heads off has been going on forever........

Posted by: phoenixgirl at October 22, 2011 03:49 PM (SH3gZ)

143 chopping heads off has been going on forever........ Posted by: phoenixgirl at October 22, 2011 07:49 PM (SH3gZ) Well of course

Posted by: Old Jewish Mohel at October 22, 2011 03:51 PM (aYQHH)

144 Dispirited, depressed, and dickless! Posted by: Doctor Fish at October 22, 2011 07:51 PM (Lt/Za)

Posted by: B. obama at October 22, 2011 03:52 PM (aYQHH)

145 145 Dispirited, depressed, and dickless! Posted by: Doctor Fish at October 22, 2011 07:51 PM (Lt/Za) Who are you calling dickless?

Posted by: Chaz Bono at October 22, 2011 03:57 PM (niZvt)

146

If you know how to use a sawzall, you should be able to do some serious damage to your sleeping victim before they have a chance to stop you. OK, cutting their whole head off in one go might be a bit optimistic, but taking out some major blood vessels should be doable

I was thinking the same thing. To saw a person's head off it's not a bad tool to do it, but you have to saw the damn head off. It'd take a minute. This isn't a swift decapitation... person would die of blood loss and shock long before you got through.

But yeah, also, if I could get the thing against your neck, it is quite lethal and you're probably going to die. That would do some serious damage to a neck. But you've got realize how to use it.

This chick certainly doesn't know how to use it. The guy probably had dozens of very very shallow surface cuts on him thankfully.

Posted by: Entropy at October 22, 2011 03:58 PM (MGZjj)

147 I've seen a livelier crowd at a Shriner's convention...

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 03:58 PM (niZvt)

148 Can a blog actually close for the weekend?

Posted by: Dr Spank at October 22, 2011 03:59 PM (L8TIZ)

149 In fact, speaking of Shriners, I'd like to propose that AoSHQ issue morons official AoSHQ Red Fezzes with the coveted Flaming Skull Logo, and that all morons and moronettes be required to wear one whenever they post comments! Why? Why NOT??

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 04:00 PM (niZvt)

150 149 Can a blog actually close for the weekend? Posted by: Dr Spank at October 22, 2011 07:59 PM (L8TIZ) Can a blog actually die online?? The answer seems to be... why, Yes, it can!

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 04:01 PM (niZvt)

151 A solid B+.

Wait, we're grading Obama's attempt to murder the American spirit, right?

Posted by: The Atom Bomb of Loving Kindness at October 22, 2011 04:02 PM (jqHOY)

152 Can a blog actually close for the weekend? Posted by: Dr Spank at October 22, 2011 07:59 PM (L8TIZ) Why not. A whole football team, the Ind. Colts, does every weekend now a days

Posted by: nevergiveup at October 22, 2011 04:02 PM (aYQHH)

153 I'm not going to say I was disappointed in Chastity. But let's just say, I didn't really try TOO hard to miss that tree, IYKWIMAIKTYD.

Posted by: Sonny Bono at October 22, 2011 04:02 PM (niZvt)

154

 honestly , she should have suggested a fishing trip.

And then tried to cut his head off with a sawzall on the boat.

Posted by: Entropy at October 22, 2011 04:03 PM (MGZjj)

155 I'm not liking ace's 5-5-5 plan. 5 hours, 5 days, 5 months.

Posted by: Dr Spank at October 22, 2011 04:03 PM (L8TIZ)

156 Save a Tree, Plant a Bono!

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 04:03 PM (niZvt)

157 The ending of the short story 'The Mist' was way better than the movie ending.

Posted by: CanaDave at October 22, 2011 04:05 PM (IkUvh)

158

Who are you calling dickless?

Posted by: Chaz Bono at October 22, 2011 07:57 PM (niZvt)

 

Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.

Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!

Mayor: Is this true?

Venkman: Yes it's true. This man has no dick.

Posted by: ErikW adding the obligitory Ghostbusters ref at October 22, 2011 04:05 PM (nk0Yp)

159 This thread is deader than Chaz Bono's mammary glands.

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 04:05 PM (niZvt)

160

Can a blog actually close for the weekend?

This is why we need to redistribute some of Iowahawk's funneh to the Ace.

Posted by: garrett at October 22, 2011 04:05 PM (gtVJa)

161

Officers report that upon reaching the shore of the lake, the man was shouting "It was you! You tried to cut my head off!" while the woman pleaded "I saw a shark!"

Posted by: Entropy at October 22, 2011 04:06 PM (MGZjj)

162 Where the hell IS everyone? Is there some new porn site I need to check out don't know about??

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 04:07 PM (niZvt)

163 This thread is deader than Rick Perry's presidential chances.

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 04:07 PM (niZvt)

164 @166: didn't they make a movie about that?

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 04:08 PM (niZvt)

165 165 Where the hell IS everyone?

Is there some new porn site I need to check out don't know about??

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 08:07 PM (niZvt)

 

Watching They Live cuz of the last thread?...have it going here anyway...

 

Cut off your husband's head with a SawzAllllllll

Posted by: CanaDave - Subliminal Messages for you and me at October 22, 2011 04:10 PM (IkUvh)

166 Ray Stanz: You know, it just occurred to me, we haven't had a completely successful test of this equipment. Egon Spengler: I blame myself. Peter Venkman: So do I. Ray Stanz: No sense worrying about it now. Peter Venkman: Why worry? Each of us is wearing an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back. Ray Stanz: Yep. Let's get ready. Switch me on.

Posted by: ErikW adding the obligatory Ghostbusters reference at October 22, 2011 04:11 PM (nk0Yp)

167

Format fail!

If I even knew what that meant

Posted by: ErikW adding the obligatory Ghostbusters reference at October 22, 2011 04:13 PM (nk0Yp)

168

What the hell is going on, when even kids' movies are now as full of mayhem and sadism as Silence of the Lambs and the Batman movies EVER were??

I've never read the books or seen the movies.

To be fair, it is not uncommon for a series to mature as it progresses over dozens of years. A lot of the time (as is the case with the Harry Potter chick I think), children's authors are writing with their children in mind, who obviously age and have changing interests. Not only that, the fans are aging. Those first Harry Potter books came out years ago. The little kids who were the fanbase are getting older.

In the movies, what is Harry Potter now, 20? In wizard College?

Posted by: Entropy at October 22, 2011 04:14 PM (MGZjj)

169 Don't frak with my tenure track position, bitchez.

Posted by: I am DOCTOR AMY BISHOP!!!! at October 22, 2011 04:15 PM (IkUvh)

170 He should have abstained from using  one of her mothers lovely buffet legs to make a rifle stock.

you can only blow it a few times before the head comes off.

Posted by: willow at October 22, 2011 04:16 PM (h+qn8)

171 I was very happy to search out this web-site.I needed to thanks to your time for this excellent read!! I definitely enjoying each little little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you weblog post.

Posted by: The End of Normal ePub at October 22, 2011 04:40 PM (PNadQ)

172 Oh Laura....loosen up! A bit of drumming practice and maybe he'd have made his attempt first. *Ngvbvgb*. That's what my puppy typed. Yes, really.

Posted by: Fortunata at October 22, 2011 04:43 PM (90H1N)

173 This is what draconian gun control laws beget.

Posted by: I'm in a New York state of mind at October 22, 2011 04:48 PM (4sQwu)

174 Kittens are cute, but this is a magnificent Burmese albino python.

I love the look of those but the Banana Python is just gorgeous. That link kept mentioning "projects" which meant just what I thought it meant after scrolling down the page. As a result, there are some fucked up looking snakes on that page.

Posted by: As If! at October 22, 2011 04:49 PM (piMMO)

175 That is useful information and its quite easy to come a croper if you are not vigilant.

Posted by: Three and Out ePub at October 22, 2011 04:50 PM (XeLW+)

176
I recently bought a DeWalt 18v cordless saws-all, and with a big-ass Milwaukee demolition blade that guy's head would've been totally sawed off in a few seconds.

Posted by: Ed Anger at October 22, 2011 04:56 PM (7+pP9)

177
There are so much to learn from your post here, Uma, well done.

Posted by: Forgotten AudioBook at October 22, 2011 04:57 PM (Qyx/v)

178 This is what draconian gun control laws beget.

Cory Booker is a fucking clown. I heard him a little while back going on about the danger of citizens carrying guns in the street.

From the mayor: "We cannot have a situation where Congress passes a law and the next thing you know is people are showing up in your community with hidden weapons that you, your state legislature, your mayors don't want to have happen," he said.

You know what is dangerous Cory? The law-breaking citizens who march into your eff'ed up town, knowing they can easily pick off a law-abiding, unarmed citizen.

Posted by: As If! at October 22, 2011 04:58 PM (piMMO)

179
DeWalt is now pushing a 20v line of cordless power tools. Using one with a big-ass Milwaukee demolition blade, that guy's head would've come off like cutting through butter.

Posted by: Ed Anger at October 22, 2011 05:03 PM (7+pP9)

180 It wasn't attempted murder.

It was attempted nostril rape.

Posted by: kdny at October 22, 2011 05:18 PM (SrCor)

181 182 Kittens are cute, but this is a magnificent Burmese albino python. Actually, it's kind of a toofer... that bulge in the middle of the snake was a cute kitten.

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 05:25 PM (niZvt)

182 Oh oh... the spam is starting to talk to the moronettes! Who the hell is Uma, and how big are your boobs, hon??

Posted by: CoolCzech at October 22, 2011 05:26 PM (niZvt)

183 Yep! I was agreed, I'll keep in touch to your blog.

Posted by: The Mozza Cookbook ePub at October 22, 2011 06:44 PM (HHICA)

184
This web site is my breathing in, really fantastic pattern and perfect subject matter.

Posted by: Harry Potter Page to Screen ePub at October 22, 2011 06:50 PM (3Znrq)

185 Posted by: ErikW adding the obligatory Ghostbusters reference at October 22, 2011 08:11 PM (nk0Yp)

====

Don't quote Ghostbusters to me. In 1984, I wrote a script called Rumpbusters and thew it at a guy that looked like Harold Ramis on the bus. Then, two weeks later Ghostbusters comes out!

Coincidence?

Probably.

Posted by: Roger at October 22, 2011 07:28 PM (B0LGd)

186 He'd better watch it.  Next time she'll throw in AA batteries while he's taking a bath.

Posted by: AmishDude at October 22, 2011 05:47 PM (73tyQ)

OK will be laughing over this one for DAYS.  

This thread is a hoot.  I love AOSHQ.

Posted by: long time lurker, occasional commenter at October 22, 2011 07:36 PM (lDLUG)

187 Now I know why he refused.You may be different than me though...

I just hate airline travel and the way it makes me miss sleep or even the chance to relax for an hour or two every 6 hours.


ipad 3 converter  hulu downloader  convert mts files

Posted by: charings at October 23, 2011 04:07 AM (q1sov)

188 This has Dexter Copy-Cat with not so much copy. She missed a few steps before going for Goliath's head.

Posted by: sTevo at October 23, 2011 05:40 AM (VMcEw)

189 The big question is this: what was his neck doing switched on? He could've damaged the power tool with a switched on neck!

Posted by: apodoca at October 23, 2011 05:50 AM (0byLO)

190 Obama is a stuttering clusterf*ck of a miserable failure.

Posted by: steevy at October 23, 2011 10:42 AM (fyOgS)

191 This particular attempt brings to mind that classic law school question: if a would-be killer sticks pins in a voodoo doll because he intends to kill the victim and thinks the voodoo doll will do it, is he guilty of attempted murder?** I agree that of all the sharp-edged tools available for this act, she chose… poorly. Apparently even the DA didn’t think much of her attempt; note they didn’t charge her with attempted murder, rather “first-degree domestic violence.” But something else about this story makes even less sense. Supposedly the husband said he was also cut with a hatchet, and a “freshly washed” hatchet was in the kitchen. [Nothing else was washed.] Did she have at him with the hatchet first, fail, wash it to conceal the evidence, then go for the saw? If so, wouldn’t you think the husband would have awoken? Frankly, I think being whacked with a hatchet would probably wake me up, maybe even better than that buzzy little alarm clock. Did she try with the saw first, fail, then go for the hatchet? If so, how did she get close enough to use it on him? You would think he’d be somewhat on his guard after the first time she tried to murder him that night. And if she nevertheless got to him with the hatchet, why didn’t she finish the job, and why did she wash it off? You don’t have to be a CSI to figure out that with blood everywhere in the bedroom, cuts on his neck, and a surviving victim to tell what happened, washing off the hatchet to cover her tracks would seem a somewhat futile gesture. Poor planning, poor tool selection, poor execution (so to speak), poor cover-up. I doubt she is a Cain or Romney voter. ** IIRC, the “book” answer is that if the chosen tool is manifestly incapable of accomplishing the murder, it isn’t attempted murder regardless of intent. Just goes to show you there are very few voodoo practitioners sitting on judicial benches.

Posted by: Zumkopf at October 23, 2011 12:59 PM (5k+1t)

192 Jesus. Why didn't she use a nice sharp knife. Do I have to teach these women everything?

Posted by: Lorena Bobbit at October 23, 2011 02:09 PM (h1hkE)

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