December 08, 2011

Every Word This Guy Writes Is A Perfect Valentine
— Ace

Two people went out on a single date, and then the woman blew him off. It happens.

He kept trying to reach her via voicemail, and she didn't return his calls. Rude, but it happens. Non-communication is often perfect communication, at least for those willing to hear the message.

Eventually he tracked down her email by googling her, and wrote her this letter.

I'm cutting out the thousand words or so, because, while they are pathetic and tedious, they are not alarming. I'll start just before he gets into the alarming stuff.

Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I've never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn't look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.

No, you looked like a hair-playing whore. But I found that charming.

-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I've never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

Generally women recoil from the power of my Intense Drifter Staredown, but you held firm, unafraid.

-You said, "It was nice to meet you." at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn't interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said--that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.

Other statements I find inconclusive, FYI: "Please, no;" "Oh god stop you're hurting me;" and "Where is this? What have you done to my husband?"

-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don't think I'm being delusional in saying this statement.

But I'll check with my therapist when I see him at the clinic.

In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. ItÂ’s bad to do that.

Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don't go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I'm curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it's difficult to predict what would happen...

Is it?

Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don't, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don't want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn't want to go again....

Because, seriously, the hair-touching thing. I just cannot get beyond that. I read it in a book and everything.

If you're not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn't given those mixed signals. I feel led on.

Led on. Angry. Desperate. As if I have nothing left to lose.

We have a number of things in common.

Fresh, pulpy organs, for example.

IÂ’ll name a few things: First, weÂ’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom IÂ’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldnÂ’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didnÂ’t like classical music. You said that you're planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You're very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn't take any significant additional time on your part.

The guy is putting a lot of relationship eggs in the classical music basket.

And I'll bet one or both of them don't even like classical music, but just thought it would look good on a dating profile.

According to the internet, youÂ’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, weÂ’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but IÂ’ll stop here.

But I could go on and on. For example, you prefer Kotex tampons, and throw them out with the trash, rather than separating them into "cloth recyclables." I also am totally lazy about recycling! What a pair are we, LOL.

I donÂ’t understand why you apparently donÂ’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didnÂ’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place....

Did I mention the classical music?

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am.

For example, do I cry when I hear a woman scream in pain?

Well, I used to, anyway.

I think it's better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

There are many people, for example, who do not pick up on standard social signals.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens.

Perhaps you will be chopped into tiny pieces with my Courting Axe. Perhaps you won't. That is the excitement of La romantique. You never know if you will end up on the altar at the church, or the altar in my basement, but since you're being a total mixed-signals coozebitch, I'm thinking Satan Pit.

But this could change, madamoiselle. Let me continue to woo you.

Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you havenÂ’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date.

The Satan Pit doesn't fill itself.

However, I would be willing to go out with you again.

Twist my arm, sure. I'll take you out in my Murder Van.

IÂ’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Tonight, you live.

As for tomorrow? But who can speak of tomorrow, madamoiselle.

I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don't want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life.

Going out with me, and also refusing to go out with me, would be two of the biggest, and last, mistakes of your life.

Choose wisely.

If you donÂ’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so.

Because in many cultures refusing to answer the phone is considered flirtatious, even lascivious. Like touching one's hair, or drumming one's fingers in anxiety and fear.

Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing.

I will kill you in your sleep.

In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly.

Say, what time do you want to get together for our big date?

I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner.

I also bought a big bottle of ether and top-quality ligatures.

Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. IÂ’m sure you wouldnÂ’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

And you showed up smelling of cheap perfume and shame.

I'm checking the schedule right now for The Muppet Movie. That probably has some classical music in it. Fozzie, what a character. LOL.

If you're concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don't want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt.

And if you are concerned I will hurt you physically, well, wheels are in motion there, too.

I'm sad and disappointed about this situation.

My mother used to lock me in the closet for days at a time. I imprinted on an ancient, ragged sweater of hers that nevertheless retained some of her essence in the form of sweat and gin.

I would like to put you in said sweater.

If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.

Like, for example, your children's school schedule, and what candy they might be attracted to as bait.

If you don't want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals).

What did it mean when you kept texting your friend "Still alive -- for now"? Was that some kind of code for "he's cute"?

In my opinion, you shouldn't act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. ItÂ’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if youÂ’re not interested in going out with me again.

You should have been brusque and rude to me at the restaurant itself; I would surely have taken such a direct snubbing in stride.

I have tried to write this email well, but it's not perfect.

"Perfect" would be a letter written on fine stationary, in ink I made from gunpowder and tears.

Again, I'm not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc.

But you are passive-aggressive, cowardly, and a food-thieving whore.

I'm disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if itÂ’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and IÂ’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back.

There are any number of modern conveniences which will permit you to communicate with me. Here, let me explain the operation of each, in great detail.

Even if you don't want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt.

I feel the Bloody Blues coming on. (wink)

Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone.

So the list, from least preferable to most preferable, is email, voice mail via phone, live communication via phone, a nice date out seeing some classical music, and, most preferable of all, bathing in your blood before the Children of Babylon.

Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

But I trust I've made my intentions, and my impulses, perfectly plain.

Best, Mike

PS, the shoes I stole from you smell like a whore's. That's another thing that's wrong with you. So we're agreed then -- Muppets at 7:15?

via @jennyerikson

Posted by: Ace at 02:37 PM | Comments (479)
Post contains 1921 words, total size 12 kb.

1 But is being blown off not a successful end to most dates?

Posted by: confused non-native english speaker at December 08, 2011 02:40 PM (sHY5w)

2 Obama is a stuttering clusterf*ck of a miserable failure.

Posted by: steevy at December 08, 2011 02:40 PM (7WJOC)

3 Suddenly I feel all boxed in.

Posted by: andycanuck at December 08, 2011 02:40 PM (sHY5w)

4 Why does this sound like the JEF making a bid for another term?

Posted by: tcn at December 08, 2011 02:42 PM (hQX3k)

5

Quoting a thread?

That's a paddlin.

Posted by: CAC at December 08, 2011 02:42 PM (7LXvT)

6 OK, despite the use of the word "guy" I assumed after reading the title that this was going to be about the latest pro-Mitt column by Jen Rubin. 

Posted by: Y-not at December 08, 2011 02:42 PM (5H6zj)

7

...oh and by the way... don't worry, I never try to over analyze things.

Posted by: Creepy Needy Guy at December 08, 2011 02:43 PM (wAQA5)

8

This is genuinely creepy.

Buffalo Bill creepy.

Posted by: CAC at December 08, 2011 02:43 PM (7LXvT)

9 Okay,which moron was this?

Posted by: steevy at December 08, 2011 02:44 PM (7WJOC)

10 I didn't know that Ace's real name was "Mike".

Posted by: The things you learn on the internet at December 08, 2011 02:45 PM (Wfwje)

11 Okay,which moron was this?

Posted by: steevy at December 08, 2011 06:44 PM (7WJOC)

Kratos has been looking particularly desperate since he caved in to decadance a few weeks ago.

Posted by: CAC at December 08, 2011 02:45 PM (7LXvT)

12 P.S. And sorry about quadruple posting this. I was drunk at work and using the internet.

Posted by: 'Mike' at December 08, 2011 02:45 PM (sHY5w)

13 Asperger's guy. Almost certainly. Trying to use his analytical brain to figure out a woman, a hopeless task. 

Someone should have clued him in when he was about 21.

Posted by: Chester Whitenw at December 08, 2011 02:46 PM (0aAK9)

14

Obama is a SCOAMF.  You can even do a google search on it.

Posted by: dan-O at December 08, 2011 02:46 PM (sWycd)

15 ~ tap tap tap tap tap ~ ... yes, it is like Match.com but you are arranged with melon mongers who know what is in season just how you like ... wait, I am hearing my own voice. This is on? Yes. And so, ace of spades walks out of the bar with a blind date. The question is, could she see before she went into the bar? Yes? It is the funny? No. Chirp twice if it is not funny you cricket-people. Oh, now it is like the forest in here. G'ah, you people are as the infidels are to ... wait, you are actually all infidels. Except two of you - I leave you to figure out who is who. Thank you and good night. Give alms to the poor - and not to yourself, you greedy bastards.

Posted by: Hadji the Muslim Comic at December 08, 2011 02:46 PM (h6mPj)

16 So you're telling me there's a CHANCE?

Posted by: Lloyd Christmas at December 08, 2011 02:47 PM (PwyAv)

17 Sometimes we just need closure.

Posted by: Asbergers at December 08, 2011 02:47 PM (JVEmw)

18 It puts the lotion on its skin!

Posted by: ErikW at December 08, 2011 02:47 PM (QzBOX)

19 The guy is obviously a bit on the nerdy side, which means non-communication tells him nothing.

Posted by: Jared Loughner at December 08, 2011 02:47 PM (e8kgV)

20 One of my insane lefty DC liberal, in the know, friends posted the latest David Frum. Quite the most dishonest thing ever written from someone purporting to be a conservative, did you know: "he GOP nearly forced America to the verge of default just to score a point in a budget debate. In the throes of the worst economic crisis since the Depression, Republican politicians demand massive budget cuts and shrug off the concerns of the unemployed. In the face of evidence of dwindling upward mobility and long-stagnating middle-class wages, my partyÂ’s economic ideas sometimes seem to have shrunk to just one: more tax cuts for the very highest earners." My god, it's like he opensourced his work to the new york times

Posted by: joeindc44 - the one true conservative at December 08, 2011 02:47 PM (QxSug)

21 Probably stores the chopped up body parts in the freezer.

Posted by: snowcrash at December 08, 2011 02:48 PM (w3YD7)

22 Why yes, I do live in Michigan.  Why do you ask?

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 02:48 PM (PwyAv)

23 P.P.S. By the way, I love your tight box quotes.

Posted by: 'Mike' at December 08, 2011 02:48 PM (sHY5w)

24
This movie review seems to ramble. The john cusack part is spot on.

Posted by: sTevo at December 08, 2011 02:48 PM (VMcEw)

25 And this is why I still show up here uninvited seven years later.

You know... for the dating tips.

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at December 08, 2011 02:48 PM (gVqQ3)

26 A grip, Mike. Get one.

Posted by: fluffy at December 08, 2011 02:48 PM (O6q63)

27 26 A grip, Mike. Get one.

I think we all know the only thing he's gripping. 

Posted by: Y-not at December 08, 2011 02:50 PM (5H6zj)

28 Holy crap, Ace, I'm laughing so hard...you're killing my diverticulitis!

Posted by: Moe Ron at December 08, 2011 02:50 PM (yWDpP)

29 yeah, dating tips that are longer than his movie reviews. stick to the porn, tards.

Posted by: joeindc44 - the one true conservative at December 08, 2011 02:50 PM (QxSug)

30

I donÂ’t understand why you apparently donÂ’t want to go out with me again.

 

Maybe she doesn't want to end up in the crawl space under your house.

Just a thought.

Posted by: Jay Guevara at December 08, 2011 02:50 PM (m0PhS)

31 Sounds like something Dwight Schrute would write.

Posted by: jjshaka at December 08, 2011 02:50 PM (t1FFO)

32 So your saying I have a chance.

Posted by: ntac at December 08, 2011 02:51 PM (rhHz3)

33 This guy sounds like a muslim.

Posted by: steevy at December 08, 2011 02:51 PM (7WJOC)

34 Some people were meant to be alone. Very, very alone.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at December 08, 2011 02:52 PM (bxiXv)

35 I totally get where this guy is coming from. Would it hurt her to risk death and mutilation to find Mr Right? I think the answer is clear, and sexy.

Posted by: Dr Spank at December 08, 2011 02:53 PM (H/kgP)

36 >>>Sounds like something Dwight Schrute would write. that is what it sounds like.

Posted by: ace at December 08, 2011 02:53 PM (nj1bB)

37 "First, weÂ’ve both very intelligent."

Much.

Posted by: Dang at December 08, 2011 02:54 PM (BbX1b)

38 Some wimmens just don't recognize a good catch after they reel it in.

It will pass in a year or two fella, put some Neosporin on that hook wound.

Posted by: ontherocks at December 08, 2011 02:54 PM (HBqDo)

39

This is why we should encourage boys to play contact sports.

Posted by: fluffy at December 08, 2011 02:54 PM (O6q63)

40 I think I love ewoks now. Nailed that bitchy little dick,didn't cha huh?

Posted by: Honey Badger at December 08, 2011 02:54 PM (Fr8N6)

41 These kids today act like they've never heard of chloroform.  It's all Ruffie this and Ruffie that.

Posted by: toby928© at December 08, 2011 02:54 PM (GTbGH)

42 "Hey bitch, wanna hose?" doesn't work that well either, but it takes less time to write.

Posted by: USS Diversity at December 08, 2011 02:55 PM (PddVe)

43 Just receiving the e-mail seems a bit leading to me. Why isn't that account closed if she not interested? Mixed signals people, mixed signals.

Posted by: Dr Spank at December 08, 2011 02:55 PM (H/kgP)

44 gal -the date from hell, so bad I can't find a place to hide and  trying to forget it.
 he is -please respond to me i think about you every minute of the day and night. even though we only spoke briefly for 30 minutes, i have no idea why you left so quickly, I was only trying to cut some hair off for my memoirs.

Posted by: willow at December 08, 2011 02:56 PM (h+qn8)

45 This chick must have had some huge knockers.

Posted by: wooga at December 08, 2011 02:56 PM (vjyZP)

46 33 This guy sounds like a muslim.

Posted by: steevy at December 08, 2011 06:51 PM (7WJOC)

That would certainly explain the lack of communication on "her" part. 

Goats aren't very talkative!

Posted by: Havedash at December 08, 2011 02:56 PM (JfvbF)

47

Dang, this is better than a movie review! 

So the list, from least preferable to most preferable, is email, voice mail via phone, live communication via phone, a nice date out seeing some classical music, and, most preferable of all, bathing in your blood before the Children of Babylon.

Even better - a nice date out bathing in your blood before the Children of Babylon to classical music, say Danse macabre.


Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at December 08, 2011 02:56 PM (UR5vq)

48 Oh, lordy, Ace, You brought back memories. When I was younger, in my thirties (yeah I'm old), I made the mistake of going out on dates with 2 different men who were very immature. And by immature I mean Certifiably Nuts. One of them did pretty much what this guy did. He examined every little detail of the date as evidence that I wanted to go out with him a second time. The evening ended with my holding my door open with one hand and physically shoving him through the door with the other. Advice for morons and moronettes: don't ever go out with someone who seems a bit "off" because you feel sorry for them. Unless you are a psychiatrist you can't solve their problems for them.

Posted by: nerdygirl at December 08, 2011 02:56 PM (2oBun)

49 Well it's about time we had a lifestyle update around here .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at December 08, 2011 02:56 PM (npr0X)

50 scary

Posted by: phoenixgirl at December 08, 2011 02:57 PM (SH3gZ)

51

So we're agreed then -- Muppets at 7:15?

 

Pancakes at Dawn!

Posted by: garrett at December 08, 2011 02:57 PM (p/j8z)

52 I love you Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey!

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 02:57 PM (GZitp)

53

That really is some scary, serial killer shit right there.

In my opinion, you shouldn't act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. ItÂ’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if youÂ’re not interested in going out with me again.

Like in "it's bad" and you upset me so welcome to the dry well until I can kill you and you can become part of my sexy skin suit.

I hope the FBI is shadowing this guy.

Posted by: ErikW at December 08, 2011 02:57 PM (QzBOX)

54 How he missed commenting on her length of bone, and good bag with cheap shoes, is a wonder.

Posted by: toby928© at December 08, 2011 02:58 PM (GTbGH)

55 Oh, I don't know. His email reminded me of some of your posts the pasts month or so.



N'est ce pas?

Posted by: Vote for me and I'll set you free! at December 08, 2011 02:58 PM (xqpQL)

56

Yeah, this isn't as creepy as you seem to think it is.  This guy is borderline autistic or Aspberger's. 

And thanks for the plain sherbet palate cleanser between bouts of outrage, Ace.

Posted by: Truman North at December 08, 2011 02:58 PM (I2LwF)

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 02:58 PM (PwyAv)

58 Come on Ace, fess up.  Wasn't this really you and Pam Geller?

Posted by: Havedash at December 08, 2011 02:58 PM (JfvbF)

59

No matter how many times I get let down on the political side, the Ace social commentary (re: dating-etiquette-tips) always keep me coming back for more.  More enjoyable, spit take, water through the noise, thank God I'm alone, laugh-out-loud per column inch than any other blogger in the business (even if it is, sometimes, nervous laughter). 

 

Posted by: jokin at December 08, 2011 02:59 PM (EVeqO)

60 "You don't lie to me, son--you lie to girls."

Posted by: derit at December 08, 2011 02:59 PM (FQlFL)

61 This chick must have had some huge knockers.

Posted by: wooga at December 08, 2011 06:56 PM (vjyZP)

If they were that big, his email would have been simply "fap" typed over 1200 times.

Posted by: CAC at December 08, 2011 02:59 PM (7LXvT)

62 I read the whole thing, I don't see the problem here. It's heartfelt, well written, gets to the point.

Why she won't respond to him is beyond me.

Posted by: Unclefacts Out Of Commenting Retirement Just For This One Thing at December 08, 2011 02:59 PM (6IReR)

63 Killing me telepathically with his song.

Posted by: vinman at December 08, 2011 03:00 PM (nEvyg)

64 That is the most beautiful thing I've ever read.

Posted by: Jame Gumb at December 08, 2011 03:00 PM (rKhgG)

65 Stalk much?

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at December 08, 2011 03:01 PM (8/+nB)

66 I learned through bitter experience that women do not like marriage proposals on a first date.

Posted by: steevy at December 08, 2011 03:01 PM (7WJOC)

67 don't ever go out with someone who seems a bit "off" because you feel sorry for them.
nerdygirl

:^(

Posted by: andycanuck at December 08, 2011 03:01 PM (sHY5w)

68 Bet he was listening to George Michaels "Last Christmas" when he wrote this.

Posted by: snowcrash at December 08, 2011 03:01 PM (w3YD7)

69 Browns vs Steelers tonight dopes.

Posted by: soothie at December 08, 2011 03:01 PM (DlaLh)

70 Mocking the guy with Asperger's, Ace? Thats kinda low. Poor freak can't help himself.

Posted by: Texan Economist at December 08, 2011 03:02 PM (TC/9F)

71 Hilarious post by the way.

It's almost like it's directed directly at me, it's as if you want something from me, like a PayPal donation, or sex.

Posted by: Dr Spank at December 08, 2011 03:02 PM (H/kgP)

72 Best, Mike

"Best?" Sounds like a mixed signal.

Posted by: Waterhouse at December 08, 2011 03:02 PM (ALRB2)

73

Was that the letter AllahPundit wrote to Kirsten Powers?

Posted by: el mao at December 08, 2011 03:02 PM (RZ5o3)

74 well, as a guy who is both nerdy and has struggled a great deal in the dating scene, I can't help but feel a bit sorry for Mike.

I had a first date this summer with this woman, we exchanged a few texts and had a few phone conversations, a few of them were a bit flirtatious even.  So we had lunch at this little deli, I thought things went fine.  Not terrific, but at least second-date worthy.  Afterwards - I just got one abrupt text that she wasn't interested, and that was that.   So maybe she sent some super-secret hidden body language code that my analytical nerd brain couldn't pick up.  But I didn't try to track her down or stalk her or anything, at least I had sense enough not to do that.

So, yeah, I hope Mike does find someone.

Posted by: chemjeff at December 08, 2011 03:02 PM (s7mIC)

75 I feel sorry for the guy. He's got a classic Asbergers Syndrome. Think "Sheldon" in Big Bang Theory.

Posted by: Max Entropy at December 08, 2011 03:03 PM (i4Zbb)

76 66 I learned through bitter experience that women do not like marriage proposals on a first date.

But what really get them hot is parking your car across the street and waiting.

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at December 08, 2011 03:03 PM (8/+nB)

77  Browns vs Steelers tonight dopes.

Posted by: soothie at December 08, 2011 07:01 PM (DlaLh)

Spoiler- the team that lost to the Ravens twice beats the Cleveland steamers.

 

There, now you can spend your three hours fapping like usual.

Posted by: CAC at December 08, 2011 03:03 PM (7LXvT)

78

Yeah, this isn't as creepy as you seem to think it is. This guy is borderline autistic or Aspberger's.

Posted by: Truman North at December 08, 2011 06:58 PM (I2LwF)

Definitely.

Posted by: Grey Fox, team Solomon Kane at December 08, 2011 03:04 PM (sEvRn)

79 Bet he was listening to George Michaels "Last Christmas" when he wrote this.

Posted by: snowcrash at December 08, 2011 07:01 PM (w3YD7)

That might drive me to homicide too.

Posted by: ErikW at December 08, 2011 03:04 PM (QzBOX)

80

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am.

 

My frenulum of prepuce is almost sentient.

 

 

 

Posted by: Best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:04 PM (p/j8z)

81

"bathing in your blood before the Children of Babylon."

That is SO0ooooo Classic. You gotta tell that story ACE. Make it a Christmas Tradition!

Posted by: hutch1200 at December 08, 2011 03:04 PM (XouHj)

82 76 With camera equipment.

Posted by: steevy at December 08, 2011 03:04 PM (7WJOC)

83 Mocking me is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. So when can I see you people again?

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 03:05 PM (GZitp)

84 >>> So we had lunch at this little deli, I thought things went fine. Not terrific, but at least second-date worthy. Afterwards - I just got one abrupt text that she wasn't interested, and that was that. Yeah but you understood. it happens. most people should NOT be going out with each other, so a lot of dates will end up as nothing. as they should. Women and men too have to understand there is no such thing as "mixed signals." Mixed signals = no. Anyone who's interested will make it happen. if they're not making it happen, it's a no.

Posted by: ace at December 08, 2011 03:05 PM (nj1bB)

85 I agree with the others on the Aspbergers. My mother in law writes my wife letters with same tone about why she doesnt visit or why she doesnt call her back etc ... she is an Aspy

Posted by: The Jackhole at December 08, 2011 03:06 PM (nTgAI)

86

That might drive me to homicide too.

Posted by: ErikW at December 08, 2011 07:04 PM (QzBOX)

Worse, he was listening to Baltimora's Tarzan's Boy. Looped. For the last six years.

Posted by: CAC at December 08, 2011 03:06 PM (7LXvT)

87 Check and mate. His logic is unassailable. Unless she has data to refute the hair twirling signals and their shared fondness for classical music, it would be irrational for her not to go out with him again. The probability of an "accidental" boob graze just hit double digits.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at December 08, 2011 03:06 PM (+lsX1)

88

There, now you can spend your three hours fapping like usual.

 

Three hours?  I can't  fap 120 times a day!!! 

Posted by: Truman North at December 08, 2011 03:06 PM (I2LwF)

89 This isn't just "temporary restraining order" creepy; this guy is "two-deadbolts-pepper-spray-and-a-.45-ACP" creepy.  That letter would qualify her for a carry permit - in California.

Posted by: Keith Arnold at December 08, 2011 03:06 PM (Jdtsu)

90 Have you seen your dog lately?

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:06 PM (nj1bB)

91 I thought you said Ass Burgers and I was sit down and eat one.  Really.

Posted by: Bill Clinton at December 08, 2011 03:06 PM (BbX1b)

92 82 76 With camera equipment.

And a directional microphone and spy drones that are able to get video feeds from inside the house...oh dear, I'm giving away too many secrets of the craft, aren't I?

Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at December 08, 2011 03:06 PM (UR5vq)

93 You're missing out on a real find, sweetheart. I am also the proprietor of a political blog who switched sides about 3 years ago so that I could support more mainstream candidates like our beloved president. What do you say now?

You go, Ch- uh- Mike.

Posted by: slug at December 08, 2011 03:07 PM (vVv3V)

94 I have two problems with this post. First english is not my first language and second I'm married, have been for 17 years. Could someone explain what the point behind this post was. Was there a point?

Posted by: GMB who has changed his mind and now hopes for a Perry comeback at December 08, 2011 03:07 PM (wY55N)

95

Yeah, this isn't as creepy as you seem to think it is.  This guy is borderline autistic or Aspberger's. 

Posted by: Truman North at December 08, 2011 06:58 PM (I2LwF)

Okay. Are you gonna let a loved one go on a date with him?

I sure as fuck won't.

Posted by: ErikW at December 08, 2011 03:07 PM (QzBOX)

96 PS, I fixed the squeaky hinge on your garden gate.  No thanks necessary.

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 03:07 PM (GTbGH)

97 "Best?" Sounds like a mixed signal.

I used to end these letters "Make your peace with God now, whore" but it was hard to get second dates that way.  And when I did get second dates they were dead, and that's no fun.  I like good conversation.  Okay, there was that one girl who wouldn't shut up even after three months on the sofa and yes maybe that was because I couldn't keep the jaw closed but it still got annoying and even though the sex was okay I still had to get rid of her.

So anyway, now I just use "Best".

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 03:07 PM (PwyAv)

98  Is this what happens to a guy when you have an erection for more than four hours?

Posted by: Dang at December 08, 2011 03:08 PM (BbX1b)

99 mike needs to get his money back from "mystery's school of picking up girls"

Posted by: phoenixgirl at December 08, 2011 03:08 PM (SH3gZ)

100 So we had lunch at this little deli, I thought things went fine. Not terrific, but at least second-date worthy. Afterwards - I just got one abrupt text that she wasn't interested, and that was that.

Yeah but you understood. it happens. most people should NOT be going out with each other, so a lot of dates will end up as nothing. as they should.

Women and men too have to understand there is no such thing as "mixed signals." Mixed signals = no.

Anyone who's interested will make it happen. if they're not making it happen, it's a no.

Posted by: ace at December 08, 2011 07:05 PM (nj1bB)

Definitely...

 

Posted by: The Jackhole at December 08, 2011 03:08 PM (nTgAI)

101 This post needs some theme music.

Posted by: huerfano at December 08, 2011 03:08 PM (7wEgI)

102 TL; DR Ace fisks himself, and we are the ones to suffer.

Posted by: Less at December 08, 2011 03:08 PM (PGXeZ)

103 This is the decadence of the modern age.

I don't believe in nagging outside of the bonds of marriage.

Posted by: AmishDude at December 08, 2011 03:08 PM (T0NGe)

104 I've been married for 12 years, but I'm not dead.  And not only is English not my first language, I don't even speak English!  Everything I've ever written here has been translated by babelfish from my native Caspiaranto.  A thousand-word email deconstructing an unsuccessful first date is unusual to say the least.

Posted by: Truman North at December 08, 2011 03:09 PM (I2LwF)

105

Three hours?  I can't  fap 120 times a day!!! 

Posted by: Truman North at December 08, 2011 07:06 PM (I2LwF)

Three minutes of fapping, followed by one hundred and seventy two minutes of crying, followed by three minutes of fapping.

 

The ghosts that watch you fap told me, in case you were getting creeped out.

Posted by: CAC at December 08, 2011 03:09 PM (7LXvT)

106 You need better window treatments .

Posted by: call me , Mike at December 08, 2011 03:10 PM (npr0X)

107 74 well, as a guy who is both nerdy and has struggled a great deal in the dating scene, I can't help but feel a bit sorry for Mike.

I'm with you there (hey, we're both chemists, what are the odds?).  However, I'm also the father of 4 daughters of dating age, so find this a whole lot less funny than some will.  My sister went through something similar with a guy who turned out to be a real nutbar, and my other sister had to deal with a guy pumping the platypus in the bushes outside her apartment. 

Seriously, guys, get a grip.  You know what I mean. 

Posted by: pep at December 08, 2011 03:10 PM (6TB1Z)

108

If I was a psychologist or a psychiatrist or another one of those psy-y type people, I could retire with this guy as a patient...

...to my own private island in the Bahamas and a perpetual supply of those  drinks in the coconuts with the little umbrellas in them.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, working towards full Curmudgeonhood at December 08, 2011 03:10 PM (d0Tfm)

109 This guy read one page of fastseduction, but everything else is purest Ben Ryan.

Posted by: Morgan at December 08, 2011 03:11 PM (hqlrn)

110

Okay. Are you gonna let a loved one go on a date with him?

 

No.  My daughter, who is 7, already has a spot reserved in a convent on a remote Greek island.

So maybe it's not this guy, but dating in general, that I'm against.  Being a man, I know what we're interested in, and my daughter is definitely off-limits.

Posted by: Truman North at December 08, 2011 03:11 PM (I2LwF)

111 One of my favorite genres of books are true crime.  This guy is very creepy.  Stalker creepy.  Controlling freaky.  Obsessed freaky.  Murder Van creepy. 

Posted by: Lady in Black at December 08, 2011 03:11 PM (ycuSb)

112 Too wordy. I just stick to candy and a promise to show off my "trophies."

Posted by: Jerry Sandusky at December 08, 2011 03:12 PM (AZGON)

113

my other sister had to deal with a guy pumping the platypus in the bushes outside her apartment. 

 

I told you, my platypus had a slow leak. 

Posted by: Guy in the bushes... at December 08, 2011 03:12 PM (p/j8z)

114 If she wasn't interested, why did she let me pay for the whole meal? And what about that whole "you frighten me" line she used during dessert? What does that mean? The mixed signals make me want to scream. And murder.

Posted by: MIKE at December 08, 2011 03:12 PM (H/kgP)

115 You shouldn't put food waste in with the re-cyclables .

Posted by: fyi , Mike at December 08, 2011 03:12 PM (npr0X)

116  "People donÂ’t grow on trees."
But when you bury a person close to a tree, it will blossom as it slowly feeds upon their soul.  Here.  I got you some potpourri.


Posted by: Dang at December 08, 2011 03:12 PM (BbX1b)

117

Isn't Mike the guy from dontevenreply.com?

Emails From an Asshole. I never fail to bust out laughing.

Posted by: USS Diversity at December 08, 2011 03:12 PM (PddVe)

118 People tell me I'm one hell of a cook.

Posted by: Jeffrey Dahmer at December 08, 2011 03:13 PM (QKKT0)

119

"People donÂ’t grow on trees."

But if you were to plant a human hand in the ground, they might.

Posted by: Truman North at December 08, 2011 03:14 PM (I2LwF)

120 I grown my own organic fava beans.

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 03:14 PM (GTbGH)

121 I was out polishing my bludgeons, did I miss your call?

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:14 PM (nj1bB)

122 Ewok dates never end well. What, you guys think ace just "happened" to stumble upon this gem? You think this is Narnia??

Posted by: thirtyandseven at December 08, 2011 03:14 PM (/0bHq)

123

Worse, he was listening to Baltimora'sTarzan's Boy. Looped. For the last six years.

Posted by: CAC at December 08, 2011 07:06 PM (7LXvT)

That's the worst video I've ever seen. Did he get his makeup advice from Grace Jones?

Posted by: ErikW at December 08, 2011 03:14 PM (QzBOX)

124

Aspies can't read body language well, and have to learn it almost like a foreign language. What this poor guy probably did was to read through all those guides out there on how to flirt, memorized the signs, and then looked for them. What he didn't grasp is that body language is variable depending on person and circumstance, and that he needed to look for a preponderance of evidence, not just a single sign.

Posted by: Grey Fox, team Solomon Kane at December 08, 2011 03:15 PM (sEvRn)

125 But if you were to plant a human hand in the ground, they might.

No dice.  Tried it and all I got from that was a family of raccoons.  Though in hindsight, they were much better lays than the bitch anyway.

Posted by: Ekim at December 08, 2011 03:16 PM (PwyAv)

126 Bring back chaperoned dating. "He was all wrong for you, dear. Too rich and unhip."

Posted by: derit at December 08, 2011 03:16 PM (FQlFL)

127 This guy is the Mycroft Holmes of stalker dating.

Posted by: George Orwell what knows Obama is a stuttering clusterfuck of a miserable failure at December 08, 2011 03:17 PM (AZGON)

128

P.P.S. - You should really crack a window when you shower. 

That much humidity trapped in your upstairs bathroom can lead to mold issues down the road.

Posted by: Best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:17 PM (p/j8z)

129 Someone has been reading the "playas" site a little too much. That stuff doesn't work at all. But ace's hint on the murder van - that will make this dude a real lady killer.

Posted by: blaster at December 08, 2011 03:17 PM (Fw2Gg)

130 i hope this girl stays away from the philharmonic because this guy is going to find her and chop her into little pieces.........

Posted by: phoenixgirl at December 08, 2011 03:18 PM (SH3gZ)

131

What he didn't grasp is that body language is variable depending on person and circumstance, and that he needed to look for a preponderance of evidence, not just a single sign.

Posted by: Grey Fox, team Solomon Kane at December 08, 2011 07:15 PM (sEvRn)

So a bad case of head lice could be interpreted as "I want you to bang me like a screen door"?

Posted by: Havedash at December 08, 2011 03:18 PM (JfvbF)

132 Thank you, Mr. Spades!  Classic Ace.

Posted by: dogfish at December 08, 2011 03:18 PM (N2yhW)

133 Posted by: Lady in Black at December 08, 2011 07:11 PM (ycuSb)

I wonder if any studies have been done as to how many stalker types (stalkists??) may well be Aspies?

Because, yes, this could be seen as creepy, but it is also textbook Asperger's. Dude could just be a harmless dork. I have taken a few under my wing and tried to teach them how to dance and behave somewhat normally in social situations. Perfectly sweet and harmless guys, but I did eventually have to find them someone else to obsess over.

The problem is knowing whether they are just off, or full-blown psychos.

Posted by: MissTammy at December 08, 2011 03:18 PM (SsG4J)

134 Would you like to see my butterfly collection ? Excellent , I've got a fresh one in the kill jar ..... it's in here ....

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 03:19 PM (npr0X)

135 #117  hilarious site. Disguised weapons is the best.

Posted by: snowcrash at December 08, 2011 03:19 PM (w3YD7)

136 Would you like to see daddy's "special work"?   

Posted by: Freddy Krueger...err, Mike. at December 08, 2011 03:19 PM (UR5vq)

137 Seriously, guys, get a grip. You know what I mean. Seriously, fuck off. Today's world has changed a bit since your first blow job.

Posted by: Christina Hendricks' Mighty Jugs Supports Rick Perry's Hair for President at December 08, 2011 03:19 PM (4o3YT)

138 Sounds reasonable to me.

Posted by: DOCTOR amy bishop!!!11!!! at December 08, 2011 03:19 PM (sHY5w)

139 I thought we both really liked the classical music in A Clockwork Orange.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:19 PM (nj1bB)

140 I don't believe in nagging outside of the bonds of marriage.

Posted by: AmishDude at December 08, 2011 07:08 PM (T0NGe)

Single and loving it!

Posted by: ErikW at December 08, 2011 03:19 PM (QzBOX)

141 I've had a few occasions where I didn't want to go out with a persistant guy.  I handled it by not taking or returning their calls.  For a nice girl, such as I was, it was really hard to do and say what was necessary to let a guy know I wasn't interested in them.  I felt more comfortable just not acknowledging their calls, hoping they'd take the hint.  It was the only way I knew how to hurt their feelings as least as possible.

Posted by: Lady in Black at December 08, 2011 03:19 PM (ycuSb)

142 130 i hope this girl stays away from the philharmonic because this guy is going to find her and chop her into little pieces.........


Why would I harm a perfectly good sperm receptor? THINK!!

Posted by: MIKE at December 08, 2011 03:20 PM (H/kgP)

143 Rule 1 of Courtship: Try not to be clingy.

Good to know.

OK, Ace. Give me another one. This is gold, baby. Gold!

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at December 08, 2011 03:20 PM (eHIJJ)

144 Mike should have never shared his extensive knowledge of hide tanning and taxidermy. You save that for the second date.

Posted by: George Orwell what knows Obama is a stuttering clusterfuck of a miserable failure at December 08, 2011 03:21 PM (AZGON)

145 141 I've had a few occasions where I didn't want to go out with a persistant guy.  I handled it by not taking or returning their calls.  For a nice girl, such as I was, it was really hard to do and say what was necessary to let a guy know I wasn't interested in them.  I felt more comfortable just not acknowledging their calls, hoping they'd take the hint.  It was the only way I knew how to hurt their feelings as least as possible.
Posted by: Lady in Black at December 08, 2011 07:19 PM (ycuSb)

Oh, right.  You think I'm finished with you.

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 03:21 PM (PwyAv)

146 The problem is knowing whether they are just off, or full-blown psychos.
Miss Tammy
:^(

Posted by: andycanuck at December 08, 2011 03:22 PM (sHY5w)

147 I don't see the problem here.

Posted by: Glenn Close at December 08, 2011 03:22 PM (AZGON)

148 He's just Counting out Time until he can get her on a second date.

http://bit.ly/dszcXt

Posted by: Doofus at December 08, 2011 03:22 PM (xKC/c)

149 Women and men too have to understand there is no such thing as "mixed signals." Mixed signals = no. Wait, what? I'm not good at body language either, but when I see mixed signals, I assume no interest, only to get schooled (by the women giving me mixed signals) that she was just playing hard to get. I always thought that was a myth too, but apparently not. Or maybe she was just a lying bitch.

Posted by: Christina Hendricks' Mighty Jugs Supports Rick Perry's Hair for President at December 08, 2011 03:23 PM (4o3YT)

150 Mr. Breibart, you should really read the post this time.  Seriously.

Posted by: dogfish at December 08, 2011 03:23 PM (N2yhW)

151 Sounds like a great guy to me.

Posted by: Squeeky Fromme at December 08, 2011 03:23 PM (BbX1b)

152 I was out buying some lime and tarpolines, did you try to buzz me?

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:23 PM (nj1bB)

153 It was the only way I knew how to hurt their feelings as least as possible.

Posted by: Lady in Black at December 08, 2011 07:19 PM (ycuSb)

From my own experience, that is the worst possible thing you could do. A polite but firm explanation is far better, and keeps the man in question from 1) wasting his time trying to figure out what you are doing 2) thinking that you were just leading him on when he does figure out that you aren't interested.

Posted by: Grey Fox, team Solomon Kane at December 08, 2011 03:24 PM (sEvRn)

154 If you don't wan't sugar in your gas tank , you need a locking gas cap .

Posted by: fyi , Mike at December 08, 2011 03:24 PM (npr0X)

155 So Kratos' first name is Mike?

Posted by: Twighlight at December 08, 2011 03:24 PM (lTbec)

156 "I felt more comfortable just not acknowledging their calls, hoping they'd take the hint.  It was the only way I knew how to hurt their feelings as least as possible."

TEASE!!!!!!!111!1!!!!

Posted by: Vote for me and I'll set you free! at December 08, 2011 03:24 PM (xqpQL)

157 I'm not sure it's the MOST prudent thing Ace has ever done, here posting & then deconstructing his woo missives.

Posted by: Rex the Wonder God at December 08, 2011 03:24 PM (vahvH)

158

...and also, I noticed that your toenail clippings are brittle (and really infrequent).  You might want to think about getting yourself on a supplement regiment. A good multi-vitamin should help.

Call me. 

Posted by: Best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:25 PM (p/j8z)

159 >>>I'm not good at body language either, but when I see mixed signals, I assume no interest, only to get schooled (by the women giving me mixed signals) that she was just playing hard to get. I don't know if I believe in that, and I think women who do that might just be trying to get self-validation. I don't think women play hard to get with someone they really want to be gotten by. Maybe with the marginal types, the ones they suck validaiton from.

Posted by: ace at December 08, 2011 03:25 PM (nj1bB)

160 Muppets sucked.  I'd go The Smurfs.

Posted by: Robert, movie conny-surrr at December 08, 2011 03:25 PM (F79HU)

161 When did John Hinckley, Jr get into a day release program?

Posted by: The Robot Devil at December 08, 2011 03:25 PM (GaIwz)

162 Signed,

Mike

Dexter's brother.

Posted by: Tami at December 08, 2011 03:25 PM (X6akg)

163 Good piece of investigative journalism. No wonder they call you Ace.

Posted by: ontherocks at December 08, 2011 03:25 PM (HBqDo)

164 I have a feeling Obama's open letter to the American people after he's voted out will read something like this.

Posted by: Dante at December 08, 2011 03:26 PM (DfNBe)

165 Madame, your chariot awaits... I have a tank full of gas and a cigar-box full of fingers.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:26 PM (nj1bB)

166 161 Muppets sucked.  I'd go The Smurfs.

Once you go blue, you'll always know what to do...

Posted by: The Robot Devil at December 08, 2011 03:26 PM (GaIwz)

167

This crackpot reminds me of a guy I worked with, at two different companies.  I was his boss at company #1 and then several months after being "laid off" from company #2 (the company was afraid he might go postal and was afraid to straight out fire him), I got a long rambling email from him.

He accused me of being behind his ouster (I was brought in to replace him, unbeknownst to me at the time), among other insults and accusations.  He had obviously been stewing about things for a long time, referencing things that happened nearly 10 years before.

The kicker is, at the end of this email he asked me for a letter of recommendation.  Seriously.

These guys must be brothers or something.  Or think insulting and scaring the crap out of a woman will get her to like him.  Righty-o.

 

 

 

Posted by: Mayday at December 08, 2011 03:26 PM (orrLR)

168 Obviously, she didn't give him his Participation Award

Posted by: franksalterego at December 08, 2011 03:26 PM (9XykO)

169 Ace, this is up there with your saying good-bye to Keif that sad day when he left MSNBC for his bubble bath time.

Is it bad that I was playing with my hair while reading this? I apparently flirt a lot.

If I were this girl I'd request the witness protection program or to stay in hiding with Casey Anthony taking Spanish classes.

Posted by: ChristyBlinky at December 08, 2011 03:27 PM (baL2B)

170 I have a feeling Obama's open letter to the American people after he's voted out will read something like this.

Hee hee.  A "letter".

Posted by: Obama Scratching His Chin With His Middle Finger on National Television at December 08, 2011 03:27 PM (PwyAv)

171 33 This guy sounds like a muslim.

Posted by: steevy at December 08, 2011 06:51 PM (7WJOC)


He sounds like someone with Asperger's Syndrome. AND he sounds like a Muslim.  Coincidence?  I think not!!

Posted by: kathysaysso at December 08, 2011 03:27 PM (ZtwUX)

172 So, after our 2nd date, what time did you tell your roommate you thought you were going to be getting home?

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 03:27 PM (vVv3V)

173 I was out buying some lime and tarpolines, did you try to buzz me? Nothing is more romantic than sleeping under the stars. In a pit freshly dug with my Bobcat. It's awesome.

Posted by: George Orwell what knows Obama is a stuttering clusterfuck of a miserable failure at December 08, 2011 03:27 PM (AZGON)

174 It's anecdotes like this that have been dogging my family's heritage for generations. I wish my last name was Smith or Jones.

Posted by: Murder VanCreepy at December 08, 2011 03:27 PM (eHIJJ)

175 155 So Kratos' first name is Mike?

*sighs*, you got me.  It's all ruined, thanks to you! 

Next time, I will incorporate that "Children of Babylon" line and ditch the whole classical music bit - nobody buys that anymore.  I should have figured that out 18 tries ago...  maybe recasting myself as a secret billionaire ought to help!

Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at December 08, 2011 03:28 PM (UR5vq)

176 This, ladies, is what testosterone does to our brains when we don't get any.

Posted by: dogfish at December 08, 2011 03:28 PM (N2yhW)

177 I don't think women play hard to get with someone they really want to be gotten by. Maybe with the marginal types, the ones they suck validaiton from. To me it's game playing, and even if it's true that they were interested, I really do not have time for this shit. It's basically telling me, yeah she's in to me, but she's going to pretend not to be into me so I'll pursue her harder. Seriously? Right away I know this would be a relationship that just wouldn't work.

Posted by: Christina Hendricks' Mighty Jugs Supports Rick Perry's Hair for President at December 08, 2011 03:28 PM (4o3YT)

178 So, remember ladies it's a 50-50 thing -- misunderstood Aspy or murderous psycho. On the one hand if you reject the Aspy you're a cold-hearted, judgmental bitch. Think of the upside of becoming romantically involved with someone for whom emotions are an alien concept and finds you and his keychain Tamagotchi about equally emotionally expressive (and at least the Tamagotchi is consistent -- you sad you were fine an hour and now you say you aren't fine at all and objectively nothing has changed. You just sat there quietly while I alphabetized my toenail collection with, as far as I can tell, no external stimuli applied to you. Definitely not enough to make you cry as clearly you are now doing.) So again. 50-50. One offers a potential fulfilling relationship with a soulless android-like human male. The other offers likely dismemberment. And remember, most men who look at women as ... things with warm holes ... never actually seriously harm the thing. Think of how many women a typical murderous psychopath runs into. The vast majority of them never ever get murdered. Are you really gonna turn down that robotic emotionless love that only the Aspy can provide out of fear of being brutally murdered? Has America really fallen that far? Remember,after 10 years of keeping a journal and photographing female faces in various emotional stages, I can now reliably (over 80%+ accuracy) distinguish between happy and sad emotional states. And my research indicates most females find most males inadequate in emotional sensitivity. So my 80% accuracy, judged in context, is plausibly above average.

Posted by: Clubber Lang at December 08, 2011 03:29 PM (QcFbt)

179

Maybe with the marginal types, the ones they suck validaiton from.

Damn. 

That there is true, 20/20, fucking insight.  

 

Posted by: garrett at December 08, 2011 03:29 PM (p/j8z)

180 Nice to see that Plinkett is dating again.  As I remember, his first marriage didn't work out so well.

Posted by: TH at December 08, 2011 03:29 PM (LIZRu)

181 Aspy love -- objectively proven to be just as satisfying as traditional love as I've detailed here in my 352 point white paper. In closing, let me just say that it is my understanding that it is unlikely that my penis will fill your vagina in a manner statistically distinguishable from another male with a similarly sized and shaped penis. I hope you take that into account while making your decision.

Posted by: Clubber Lang at December 08, 2011 03:29 PM (QcFbt)

182 I gotta dash, but the hair-touching thing reminded me about a recent visit to Texas Roadhouse a month or so ago.  I was with my man and we had to sit at the bar when this trying-to-hard tarted up blonde chick showed up with her bf and sat next to me.  She effed around with her hair constantly, mostly by flipping it in my direction, nearly hitting my food and drink several occasions.  I told my husband, sotto voce, that I was 'this' close to grabbing a fistful of her hair and throwing her to the floor. 

He seemed intrigued and suggested I start a newsletter. 

Posted by: Y-not at December 08, 2011 03:29 PM (5H6zj)

183 Come here, Mike.  I am your friend.  I can make this girl be like putty in your masterful hands.

Posted by: Rohypnol at December 08, 2011 03:30 PM (4q5tP)

184 Ace, Stop stealing and publishing my love letters. My home security video shows you going thru my drawers, playing with your hair as you sniffed my socks. You made extended eye contact with the security camera. You had a creepy expression on your face as you looked inside my fridge. You looked excited when you read the letter. If you keep this up, I won't bake Christmas cookies for you anymore.

Posted by: CoolCzech at December 08, 2011 03:30 PM (niZvt)

185 Usually, they pay me so that I'll leave.  With Mike it had to be the other way around.

Posted by: SuzyTheBlowUpDoll at December 08, 2011 03:30 PM (PwyAv)

186

-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation.

Maybe Mike is not that messed up.  Afterall, the letter didn't elaborate on what hair she was playing with.  Bitch could have driven the guy mad if he had to watch her fluffing the beaver all evening.

Posted by: Havedash at December 08, 2011 03:31 PM (JfvbF)

187 Clearly this isn't the product of a guy that's accustomed to getting some regularly.
I'm thinking he submitted this for Creative Stalking 101.
Just another OWSer working on his degree

Posted by: ontherocks at December 08, 2011 03:31 PM (HBqDo)

188 From my own experience, that is the worst possible thing you could do. A polite but firm explanation is far better, and keeps the man in question from 1) wasting his time trying to figure out what you are doing 2) thinking that you were just leading him on when he does figure out that you aren't interested.

Never could do that. "I'm sorry, I'm just not that into you" or something similar I would've had trouble with. Of course, I could've easily lied and said I wasn't ready to be involved.  That's plausible in hindsight.  Would "get off my lawn" work? 

Posted by: Lady in Black at December 08, 2011 03:31 PM (ycuSb)

Posted by: stuiec at December 08, 2011 03:33 PM (Di3Im)

190 "Would "get off my lawn" work? "

yeah, if you turn the sprinklers on.

Posted by: Vote for me and I'll set you free! at December 08, 2011 03:33 PM (xqpQL)

191 Another thing we have in common?  I also love to sleep with the window open.  By the way, I really like the way your hair smells.

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 03:33 PM (vVv3V)

192 OT, but:

@NYCAviation Would be scarier if Iran could build replica that accurate. BREAKING U.S. official believes Iran TV images are of real US drone

Posted by: The Robot Devil at December 08, 2011 03:34 PM (GaIwz)

193 Honestly, Mike could have just sent her a tweet with one word: "BITCH!!!!" and achieve the same result. Hell it's what I do.

Posted by: Christina Hendricks' Mighty Jugs Supports Rick Perry's Hair for President at December 08, 2011 03:34 PM (4o3YT)

194 OT: Looks like the big fix for the euro, um, isn't.

A day when everything that could go wrong for the euro and eurozone has just gotten worse. Hours away from the completion of the summit, whose failure will unleash a nuclear bomb of serial downgrades by S&P ..., The Telegraph writes that the summit is already in tatters after a rebellion and threats by Finland, Holland and Ireland are poised to scuttle the summit.

Posted by: Methos at December 08, 2011 03:34 PM (sOXQX)

195  don't know if I believe in that, and I think women who do that might just be trying to get self-validation.

I don't think women play hard to get with someone they really want to be gotten by. Maybe with the marginal types, the ones they suck validaiton from.

Posted by: ace at December 08, 2011 07:25 PM (nj1bB)

Are you fucking serious?

Ace.

Dude.

Girls chase boys and boys chase girls.

You're making it WAAAYYY too complicated.

Posted by: ErikW at December 08, 2011 03:34 PM (QzBOX)

196 This guy is obviously not in sales. He could have asked five women on dates for the amount of time it took him to write that futile letter.

Posted by: Arms Merchant at December 08, 2011 03:35 PM (kPT11)

197 In a way it's kinda creepy that we can step into Mike's head so accurately for our comment's.

HMMMM.

Posted by: Vote for me and I'll set you free! at December 08, 2011 03:35 PM (xqpQL)

198 Way to pitch the woo, Ace.

Posted by: Emperor of Icecream, Cultist for Jesus at December 08, 2011 03:35 PM (epBek)

199 @NYCAviation Would be scarier if Iran could build replica that accurate. BREAKING U.S. official believes Iran TV images are of real US drone

The drone looked intact.  If that was the true drone, they didn't shoot it down - either it malfunctioned and landed unscathed (unlikely) or the Iranians downed it with some type of electronic attack. 

Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at December 08, 2011 03:36 PM (UR5vq)

200

Think of the upside of becoming romantically involved with someone for whom emotions are an alien concept.

Posted by: Clubber Lang at December 08, 2011 07:29 PM (QcFbt)

I am glad to see that you know so much about Aspies. You do realize that a fair chunk of the world's music and art have been produced by folks who were slightly autistic, right?

Inability to read body language does not mean that they are unemotional or unable to feel empathy. It is a comunication issue.

Posted by: Grey Fox, team Solomon Kane at December 08, 2011 03:36 PM (sEvRn)

201 OMG, this is the funniest thing I've read all year, Ace. I am literally crying and hyperventilating from laughter. (Seriously!)

Posted by: Al Myers at December 08, 2011 03:36 PM (vq7an)

202 Nice to see that Plinkett is dating again. As I remember, his first marriage didn't work out so well. Well played, sir.

Posted by: George Orwell what knows Obama is a stuttering clusterfuck of a miserable failure at December 08, 2011 03:37 PM (AZGON)

203 200 They claim they brought it down electronically.

Posted by: steevy at December 08, 2011 03:38 PM (7WJOC)

204 Perhaps you will be chopped into tiny pieces with my Courting Axe. Perhaps you won't. That is the excitement of La romantique. You never know if you will end up on the altar at the church, or the altar in my basement, but since you're being a total mixed-signals coozebitch, I'm thinking Satan Pit.

Good thing I wasn't on a call or drinking while reading that.



Posted by: Hollowpoint at December 08, 2011 03:38 PM (SY2Kh)

205 Blie blub you.

Posted by: what Mike says while performing cunnilingus at December 08, 2011 03:38 PM (wAQA5)

206 Girls chase boys and boys chase girls. I heard a BOY in there.

Posted by: Maureen Dowd at December 08, 2011 03:38 PM (4o3YT)

207 It's the old guilt-tripping between the obsessive statements trick.

Posted by: Miss'80s at December 08, 2011 03:39 PM (d6QMz)

208 # 3,187 of the things I like about you:  the sound of your breathing while you sleep really relaxes me. 

# 3,188 : the sound of you not breathing.

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 03:39 PM (vVv3V)

209 BREAKING U.S. official believes Iran TV images are of real US drone

What, we just send those drones out like the Wicked Witch of the West releasing her flying monkeys and don't have a clue if one doesn't return home?

Posted by: Havedash at December 08, 2011 03:39 PM (JfvbF)

210 I felt more comfortable just not acknowledging their calls, hoping they'd take the hint.  It was the only way I knew how to hurt their feelings as least as possible.

Posted by: Lady in Black at December 08, 2011 07:19 PM (ycuSb)



DON'T DO THIS

just be honest with the guy

it is better to rip off the bandaid once, than let it fester

Posted by: chemjeff at December 08, 2011 03:39 PM (s7mIC)

211 well, I see you're giving this exposition to disguise the fact, but there can be only one conclusion drawn from the fact that this letter is long, rambling and pointless: it's one of Ace's unpublished posts. Kind of rich, ace ranking on someone for going on and on and on... (and in a post that goes on and on).

Posted by: docweasel at December 08, 2011 03:39 PM (J0twV)

212 84 Anyone who's interested will make it happen. if they're not making it happen, it's a no.

Indeed.

In my youth (hell I'm still young) I had an... ahem... very clear indication of what it looks like when someone's interested. It was a good early lesson on interpreting mixed signals as "nope."

Posted by: fb at December 08, 2011 03:40 PM (JVEmw)

213 Girls chase boys and boys chase girls.

Bullshit.  When I was these kids' age I never chased a boy, or called a boy, or sat in a parked car with a boy....

Posted by: Lorraine McFly at December 08, 2011 03:40 PM (PwyAv)

214 Clubber Lang @178 and 181...Thread Winner!

Posted by: Arms Merchant at December 08, 2011 03:40 PM (kPT11)

215 Maybe they MEANT for it to be captured. Like it's got some Stuxnet type viras hidden in the circuits and when they try to back engineer all their shit gets infected.

ORRRRR, they have failsafes and codes to protect the software/hardware.

The stealth body and such isn't that unknown tech. It's knowing HOW to build it that matters. And having the machines to make the material. and having the techs to maintain the materials. etc.

Posted by: Vote for me and I'll set you free! at December 08, 2011 03:40 PM (xqpQL)

216 208 Girls chase boys and boys chase girls.

I heard a BOY in there.

Posted by: Maureen Dowd at December 08, 2011 07:38 PM (4o3YT)

  I'd FIFY to Girls chase Obama and Obama chase girls. but since no woman has come forward to admit dating the dweeb...

Posted by: The Robot Devil at December 08, 2011 03:41 PM (GaIwz)

217 I used to get Aspergers til I found out about Zantac.

Posted by: ontherocks at December 08, 2011 03:41 PM (HBqDo)

218 Let me share my trocar collection with you. Few have seen one as extensive.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:41 PM (AZGON)

219 viras, virus, viri, viagras whatevs.

Posted by: Vote for me and I'll set you free! at December 08, 2011 03:41 PM (xqpQL)

220 The drone looked intact.  If that was the true drone, they didn't shoot it down - either it malfunctioned and landed unscathed (unlikely) or the Iranians downed it with some type of electronic attack. 

Kratos, check this out

A computer virus has infected the cockpits of AmericaÂ’s Predator and Reaper drones, logging pilotsÂ’ every keystroke as they remotely fly missions over Afghanistan and other warzones.

Posted by: Methos at December 08, 2011 03:41 PM (sOXQX)

221 For some odd reason when I think of what Mike's voice might sound like I'm reminded of the voice of Hal 9000.

Posted by: Christina Hendricks' Mighty Jugs Supports Rick Perry's Hair for President at December 08, 2011 03:41 PM (4o3YT)

222 Oh noes! I've insulted the Aspy community. Do we have to ban that word now -- like tranny? These be the jokey-jokes. I realize those are difficult to comprehend if you are a soulless, robotic lifeform. Here let me explain, in detail, my 27 stage process of joke formation that I've developed along with my catalog of 2,753 joke examples I've archived over the past 3 years. Step 1: Lighten up.

Posted by: Clubber Lang at December 08, 2011 03:41 PM (QcFbt)

223

Lauren,

You really should pay closer attention to your tire pressures.  After yesterday's cold snap, I checked and you were down on all tires by at least 5 lbs.  I aired them up to the correct pressures and retightened your lug nuts.

No need to thank me.

 

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 03:42 PM (4q5tP)

224 Maybe she was flipping her hair around in an attempt to dislodge the lice.  Maybe Mike should be happy she hasn't responded (she's covered in Kwell and kerosene, and can't get to the phone).

Posted by: kathysaysso at December 08, 2011 03:42 PM (ZtwUX)

225 hey speaking of stalkers, it's docweasel.

Posted by: ace at December 08, 2011 03:43 PM (nj1bB)

226 I am literally crying and hyperventilating from laughter. (Seriously!)

I'm crying and hyperventilating too.

But not from laughter.  Oh no.

That'll come later.

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 03:43 PM (PwyAv)

227 I'd FIFY to Girls chase Obama and Obama chase girls. but since no woman has come forward to admit dating the dweeb... Not true, I've dated Obama and he could make me scream his name all night long! Yep, true story! But then he left me so he could date Michelle who's beauty and intelligence I just couldn't match.

Posted by: David Axelrod wearing a wig at December 08, 2011 03:43 PM (4o3YT)

228 MMMM. Speculums.

Posted by: Vote for me and I'll set you free! at December 08, 2011 03:43 PM (xqpQL)

229

...don't hang up!

...Why do you always wear the same dress!?!

...hello?

Posted by: Jerry at December 08, 2011 03:44 PM (p/j8z)

230 It would be best for you to keep your crawlspace clear of debris. This presents a fire hazard, and besides it is already difficult enough to text in here.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:45 PM (AZGON)

231

Posted by: Methos at December 08, 2011 07:41 PM (sOXQX)

Incidentally, if I may ask an inconvenient follow-up question, how certain are we that the encryption keys for purposes such as updating the targeting (or aborting) of Tomahawks and similar weapons while in flight remains secure?

Wonderful.

Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at December 08, 2011 03:45 PM (UR5vq)

232 I felt more comfortable just not acknowledging their calls, hoping they'd take the hint.  It was the only way I knew how to hurt their feelings as least as possible.

Posted by: Lady in Black at December 08, 2011 07:19 PM (ycuSb)

DON'T DO THIS

just be honest with the guy

it is better to rip off the bandaid once, than let it fester

Posted by: chemjeff at December 08, 2011 07:39 PM (s7mIC)

********

Classic illustration of one of the biggest differences in how men and women think/operate.

Posted by: MissTammy at December 08, 2011 03:46 PM (SsG4J)

233 Maybe Skynet landed that drone for a REASON!

Posted by: Vote for me and I'll set you free! at December 08, 2011 03:47 PM (xqpQL)

234 I'll tell you what's mofuckin sick - and that's ace sitting down to write a line-by-line commentary of this tripe.

Posted by: HondaV65 at December 08, 2011 03:47 PM (Wm6n5)

235 224 Oh noes! I've insulted the Aspy community.

Posted by: Clubber Lang at December 08, 2011 07:41 PM (QcFbt)

Mostly just displayed your ignorance and poor manners. I imagine that Mozart and Tolkien might be mildly offended if you told them that they didn't understand human emotion, though.

Posted by: Grey Fox, team Solomon Kane at December 08, 2011 03:47 PM (sEvRn)

236 Was that Herman Cain's letter?

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 03:47 PM (WsOiK)

237 you really need to repaint the trim on your bedroom window.

Posted by: willow channeling Mike at December 08, 2011 03:48 PM (h+qn8)

238 I used to work for a guy like this (mild Aspy). Could not keep from micromanaging every aspect of his very nerdy business.

Then he was surprised because people would not take any initiative for fear of the boss. And thus, of course, people constantly disappointed him.

He was convinced that his Chief Engineer was passive-aggressive and sabotaging his business. Maybe he played with his hair to much.

Posted by: Arms Merchant at December 08, 2011 03:49 PM (kPT11)

239 and Btw, Your carpet doesn't match the curtains perfectly does it?

Posted by: willow channeling Mike at December 08, 2011 03:49 PM (h+qn8)

240 Sifty ass fucked me with a baseball bat.

Posted by: unidentified woman at December 08, 2011 03:49 PM (sHY5w)

241 You don't suppose Mike is a student at Virginia Tech, do you?

Posted by: Havedash at December 08, 2011 03:49 PM (JfvbF)

242 FUCKSALT!!!1

Posted by: sifty channels other famous internet guy at December 08, 2011 03:49 PM (WsOiK)

243

Dearest Lauren,

I made a mix tape CD for you, to express how I feel about us.  It's just one of those little things I do for the people I care about.  Enjoy!

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 03:49 PM (4q5tP)

244 hey speaking of stalkers, it's docweasel.

a docweasel.  Remember, they are a group blog.  That way, each can deny that the were the asswipe that was here before.

Posted by: toby928© at December 08, 2011 03:49 PM (GTbGH)

245 We could visit the local art house to see some vintage films, Lauren. The one near me is now showing "Play Misty For Me," "Dial M For Murder," and "The Sound of Music."

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:50 PM (AZGON)

246 Sifty ass fucked me with a baseball bat.

Posted by: unidentified woman at December 08, 2011 07:49 PM (sHY5w)


Is that you, Corey Feldman? You loved it, you little minx.

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 03:51 PM (WsOiK)

247 I got you another bottle of OJ since I drank the last bottle.

I also refolded everything in your underwear drawer...

You're welcome, bitch! 

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 03:51 PM (UR5vq)

248 I don't know who broke into your house and pooped on each floor. I hope this doesn't mean we're off for the Muppets.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:51 PM (nj1bB)

249

DON'T DO THIS

just be honest with the guy

it is better to rip off the bandaid once, than let it fester

Meh- I can sympathize with women who simply refuse to pick up the phone instead of answering to say "No, thanks".

Some guys (i.e. Mike) don't take rejection well.  Either they'll respond with insults or by being whiny bitches about it.

On a (rare) online date, a woman with a very different definition of "average" body type than the rest of planet Earth told me she'd prefer to be honestly told up front if a guy was interested in a second date.  The date was fine; took her to a decent place, had a nice dinner and conversation... but though she was nice enough, I wasn't at all interested.

I found out how that whole "honesty" thing works when I very gently told her that I had a good time but things just didn't "click" for me (she said she could've gone "either way"), and had to watch her leave crying.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at December 08, 2011 03:51 PM (SY2Kh)

250 your showers are obsessively long. btw i always dream of you this way.

Posted by: willow channeling Mike at December 08, 2011 03:51 PM (h+qn8)

251 This ends with a call from the police saying that they've trace the call, right?

Posted by: toby928© at December 08, 2011 03:52 PM (GTbGH)

252 there's no point showering that long; you will never wash away the scent of death we all carry inside of us.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:53 PM (nj1bB)

253 I'll tell you what's mofuckin sick - and that's ace sitting down to write a line-by-line commentary of this tripe.

If by "sick" you mean "hilarious".

Posted by: Hollowpoint at December 08, 2011 03:53 PM (SY2Kh)

254 ha, that sounded like a jon kellerman novel

Posted by: willow channeling Mike at December 08, 2011 03:54 PM (h+qn8)

255 Beyond creepy...this is "spend the next ten years looking over your shoulder " creepy.
I say ten years because by that time [surely] he will have already been arrested for the 30 women he has killed with his mother's pantyhose.
But I'm sure they all played with their hair too.
This is talk to the cops right away creepy.....

Posted by: christmasghost at December 08, 2011 03:54 PM (ibzsd)

256 not that i read kellerman.

Posted by: willow channeling Mike at December 08, 2011 03:54 PM (h+qn8)

257 Nobody alphabetizes their DVD's anymore. I broke in and re-did them by genre while you were out getting the court order.

Love, M.

ps: You have way more yogurt in your fridge than I have ever seen.

Posted by: sifty tries to be like mike at December 08, 2011 03:54 PM (WsOiK)

258 This ends with a call from the police saying that they've trace the call, right?

Posted by: toby928© at December 08, 2011 07:52 PM (GTbGH)

THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

Posted by: ErikW, all I got at December 08, 2011 03:55 PM (QzBOX)

259

Honey, (if I may be so bold)

I observed that you were all out of Venus Razor blades so I got you a refill pack.  Keep those glorious gams smooth and sexxy!

Your friend (wanting more),

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 03:55 PM (4q5tP)

260 When I'm in love, I treasure watching my chosen one sleep in the quiet hours of the early morning. Then the cold ring of the telescope eyepiece reminds me how cruel the world can be, and I weep bitter tears.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:55 PM (AZGON)

261 Were you satisfied with your recent Verizon service call? The next series of questions have to do with your broadband experience. Question 1: Why don't you call Mike back? Question 2: Why do you play with your hair like a wanton hussy?

Posted by: Verizon Door-To-Door Customer Service Survey-Taker at December 08, 2011 03:56 PM (nj1bB)

262 I added something to one item of food in your refrigerator.

A Born Romantic,

M.

Posted by: sifty tries to be like mike at December 08, 2011 03:56 PM (WsOiK)

263 that right there is a joke for breitbart, in case he reads the threads later tonight.

Posted by: ace at December 08, 2011 03:57 PM (nj1bB)

264

just be honest with the guy

it is better to rip off the bandaid once, than let it fester

It's unpleasant, and hard, to reject someone if you are a normal, empathetic person.  Even if you get past this, it would be ok if the woman is sure the man is no threat.  But if you have a whiff that the guy might be off in any way, the last thing you want to do is reject him outright, or be cornered into a debate about why you should continue dating.  And this guy Mike had put a LOT of thought into his debate points. 

Posted by: Mayday at December 08, 2011 03:57 PM (orrLR)

265

Incidentally, if I may ask an inconvenient follow-up question, how certain are we that the encryption keys for purposes such as updating the targeting (or aborting) of Tomahawks and similar weapons while in flight remains secure?

Wonderful.

Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at December 08, 2011 07:45 PM (UR5vq)

Too serious for the chaos line?

On the upside, and I don't actually know anything about anything, but it seems to me that it's easier to break a code on the predators and such, that have been constantly running for a decade now (allowing one to monitor the signal), than tomahawks, which have been used at most sporadically (and I think not at all in Afghanistan).

That of course assumes that this was some kind of shenanigans on the battlefield and not espionage.

Posted by: Methos at December 08, 2011 03:58 PM (sOXQX)

266 We have a lot in common. For example, neither of us winces at the taste of my urine.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:58 PM (nj1bB)

267 Classic stuff.  Well done sir.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at December 08, 2011 03:58 PM (PjVdx)

268 Dear female , I am so sorry i mentioned dahmer: ramez , bundy as the subject of discourse , after our classical music discussion I tried to explain it was only One of my hobbies.

Posted by: willow channeling Mike at December 08, 2011 03:58 PM (h+qn8)

269 She should just give the guy a pity boink.  That will make ditching him easier.

Posted by: toby928© Perrykrishna with tattooed knuckles at December 08, 2011 03:58 PM (GTbGH)

270

Posted by: sifty tries to be like mike at December 08, 2011 07:54 PM (WsOiK)

You broke into the wrong house, silly.

If you're that eager for a classy woman's touch, let me get you acquainted with my friend Fiona.  She also loves classical music - it keeps her calm and collected while she's pulling out a man's fingernails.

Thanks for reorganizing my DVDs, but after you regain consciousness and staunch the bleeding, I would like my Burn Notice - Seasons 1 through 5 back ASAP.  

And I love yogurt! 


Posted by: Michael Weston at December 08, 2011 03:59 PM (UR5vq)

271 I am deeply hurt that you have not returned my call. Almost as hurt as I will be if you light that Presto-Log.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 03:59 PM (AZGON)

272 Wanting to control everything about you just means I am interested in everything about you, Silly Goose!

Now put the lotion in the basket.

M

Posted by: sifty tries to be like mike at December 08, 2011 03:59 PM (WsOiK)

273 237 . Oh, fuck off. Seriously. Eat a dick, Grey Fox. Yeah, you're right, peckerface, Mike here is probably Mozart or Tolkein. Probably both combined. I'm so sorry, my joke offended you, you humorless fuckwad. And yeah, I'm wrong. So, so wrong and ignorance-filled. You are wise and correct. Aspy men don't have severe difficulties forming relationships with women. Not at all. It's a communication thing. It's like dating a sexy Italian guy who speaks with a think accent and talks with his hands more than American dudes. You are so right. Women find Aspy men just as romantically fulfilling as a regular, not emotionally retarded dude. It's only evil bigots like me who've created this cruel stigma. Lighten the fuck up.

Posted by: Clubber Lang at December 08, 2011 04:00 PM (QcFbt)

274

I think this guy makes a very convincing argument about their compatibility.

"I like classiscal music.

You like classical music.

I need human flesh to appease The Dragon.

You are made of human flesh."

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at December 08, 2011 04:00 PM (DiqH3)

275 >>>It's unpleasant, and hard, to reject someone if you are a normal, empathetic person. Even if you get past this, it would be ok if the woman is sure the man is no threat. But if you have a whiff that the guy might be off in any way, the last thing you want to do is reject him outright, or be cornered into a debate about why you should continue dating. Seriously no one "misses a call." Certianly no one misses two. Not when they're interested in someone. Anyone who doesn't get that this means "no interest" is telling themselves stories and ignoring the plain information in front of their faces. People want to fall in love and will move heaven and earth to be with someone they really like. if they are not calling back, THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED. Period! There's a whole book trying to explain this to people, mostly women, but I guess men too: "He's Just Not That Into You." It's not a mystery. It is people attempting to tell themselves a story, explaining away what is obviously true (not that into you) in favor of what they WANT to be true (into you, but "conflicted" or "playing hard to get"). No call back = no interest.

Posted by: ace at December 08, 2011 04:01 PM (nj1bB)

276 Too serious for the chaos line?

I haven't used that in forever because it's too damn depressing to type.  Who would have thunk that a tag-line from a silly 2010 game would be the most apt description of the times we live in come 2011? 

Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at December 08, 2011 04:01 PM (UR5vq)

277 When I first read it, I thought 269 was the autoposter!

Posted by: Arms Merchant at December 08, 2011 04:02 PM (kPT11)

278 i am deeply concerned about the expiration date on your milk.

Posted by: willow channeling Mike at December 08, 2011 04:02 PM (h+qn8)

279 #1 But is being blown off not a successful end to most dates? Posted by: confused non-native english speaker at December 08, 2011 06:40 PM (sHY5w) That is brilliant.

Posted by: LiveFreeOrDie at December 08, 2011 04:02 PM (JucRt)

280 Almost every therapist I see thinks we are a perfect match.

M

Posted by: sifty tries to be like mike at December 08, 2011 04:02 PM (WsOiK)

281 No call back = no interest.


They might have lost my your number.

Posted by: toby928© Perrykrishna with tattooed knuckles at December 08, 2011 04:02 PM (GTbGH)

282 If you weren't interested (and who wouldn't be), why did you shake my hand like a dirty, slutty harlot at the end of our date?

You knew that was my autoerotic asphyxiation hand.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at December 08, 2011 04:04 PM (SY2Kh)

283 No call back = no interest.


Posted by: ace at December 08, 2011 08:01 PM (nj1bB)

 

Good.  We understand each other, then.

 

Posted by: Marco Rubio at December 08, 2011 04:05 PM (p/j8z)

284 As usual EoJ nails it @276 . Your nic should be The Distillery .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at December 08, 2011 04:05 PM (npr0X)

285 I'm sorry the voice mailbox is full, please call back again.
I know you must have forgotten where i work, I'll remind you again, the county morgue, congress

Posted by: willow the female at December 08, 2011 04:05 PM (h+qn8)

286 Your words say no, but the way you chew your PF Chang's in the far back left corner of your mouth screams "Take me now!"

Posted by: sifty tries to be like mike at December 08, 2011 04:06 PM (WsOiK)

287

Posted by: Clubber Lang at December 08, 2011 08:00 PM (QcFb)

What was that you said about lightening up? 

Posted by: Grey Fox, team Solomon Kane at December 08, 2011 04:06 PM (sEvRn)

288 that's not even an asperger's thing, that's how a lot of people drive themselves crazy wondering about "mixed signals" and other nonexistent stuff.

Posted by: ace at December 08, 2011 04:06 PM (nj1bB)

289
I will NOT be ignored!

Posted by: Mike boiling a rabbit at December 08, 2011 04:06 PM (JYheX)

290 I knew she wants me!

Posted by: willow channels Mike at December 08, 2011 04:07 PM (h+qn8)

291 Mike should stick with women who take cash.

Posted by: toby928© Perrykrishna with tattooed knuckles at December 08, 2011 04:07 PM (GTbGH)

292 While I understand I may have come on too strong, you must admit there is no excessive cupidity in asking whether you know what the average weight of a human head may be.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 04:08 PM (AZGON)

293 call me ,

or else.

Posted by: willow channels Mike at December 08, 2011 04:08 PM (h+qn8)

294 Asperger's has made me the man I am today and why is that mutherfucker from next door parking in front of my house again the dirty prick I'll burn his house down.

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:08 PM (WsOiK)

295

My sweetest Lauren,

I couldn't help but notice the accumulation of dust on your room vents, so I wiped them down.  I also replaced the HVAC return plenum filter with a better grade of filter to keep the air you breathe as clean as possible. I really like a healthy set of lungs on my girlfriends.

You see the higer the filter's MERV rating, the more particulates the filter traps and removes from the air.  For years the American Society of Heating, Refrigerating and Air-Conditioning Engineers (ASHRAE) provided a test standard/procedure for determining the performance of an air filter. Adopted in 1968 as Standard 52-68 it went through revisions in 1976 and again in 1992. Its current title is ASHRAE Standard 52.1-1992. This test, while valuable, was difficult to explain and, as a result, could be somewhat confusing. In an attempt to provide more specific information that was easier to understand, ASHRAE created a new document titled ASHRAE Standard 52.2 which identifies a filterÂ’s performance on specific particle size ranges. The results are reported as Minimum Efficiency Reporting Value (MERV) levels.

The MERV levels provide a clear understanding of what removal percentage can be expected for specific particle size ranges. Range E1 is for particles in the 0.3 – 1.0 micron* range. E2 is for particles 1.0 – 3.0 microns in size and E3 is for particles 3.0 – 10.0 microns. The filter is tested on all three ranges and based on its performance is rated numerically from 1 – 16. Becoming familiar with the MERV level of a filter being considered for use will ensure that a minimum performance standard can be planned for and counted on.

Your friend in ardent longing,

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 04:09 PM (4q5tP)

296 best, Mike.
g
you're killin me (not literally) but...
hey are you???mike

Posted by: willow channels Mike at December 08, 2011 04:09 PM (h+qn8)

297 People die. It's what they do. It's all they do. Let's go see the new Anna Farris movie.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 04:10 PM (nj1bB)

298 should i be worried we are so good at this?

Posted by: willow channels Mike at December 08, 2011 04:10 PM (h+qn8)

299

if they are not calling back, THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED. Period!

 

Nonsense.  It is common knowledge that women sometimes are forgetful lack focus.

I find that nothing focuses there attention like the gleam of a naked lightbulb in my kill room, winking off the shiny blade. 

See how her eyes gleam, ace?  She can't take her eyes off it!  That is human connection.

 

 

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at December 08, 2011 04:10 PM (DiqH3)

300 Mike is the Dane Cook of dating.

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:10 PM (WsOiK)

301 Mike.
Let's talk.

Posted by: The kind of person who answers before you hear the first ring tone. at December 08, 2011 04:11 PM (JVEmw)

302 before bodies get dry they get black and juicy. Let me buy you sushi.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 04:11 PM (nj1bB)

303 Just so you know , after Thursday nights opera , our taxidermy class starts at 12:30 ........ I'll bring both of our projects . ttfn , Mike

Posted by: fyi , Mike at December 08, 2011 04:12 PM (npr0X)

304 sifty, but what wine goes with...?

Posted by: willow channels Mike at December 08, 2011 04:12 PM (h+qn8)

305 If i had a nickel for every woman who turned me down...

my crawlspace would be far less smelly.

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:12 PM (WsOiK)

306 I found out how that whole "honesty" thing works when I very gently told her that I had a good time but things just didn't "click" for me (she said she could've gone "either way"), and had to watch her leave crying.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at December 08, 2011 07:51 PM (SY2Kh)


but here's the thing - she would have cried either way.  By being honest with her you didn't cause her to cry, you just caused it to happen in front of you.

Posted by: chemjeff at December 08, 2011 04:13 PM (s7mIC)

307 Lauren, we can reach a more amicable conclusion if we discuss this in person. Permit me to offer you a quiet drink in a secluded place I know; it's just off the freeway by the Pick-A-Part. I'll swing by around 3AM.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 04:13 PM (AZGON)

308 sifty, but what wine goes with...?

Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill and murder go together like duct tape and vans.

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:14 PM (WsOiK)

309 gently?

Posted by: willow channels Mike at December 08, 2011 04:14 PM (h+qn8)

310 I went to college with guys like this. Hell, I have ex-girlfriends who would argue that I am like this myself. Really, this guy is almost certainly entirely harmless. He is probably really, really bad at reading social signals and therefore really, really thought things were going swimmingly. He read a book about social signals hoping to fill in the gaps in his social skills but didn't get to the part about signs of disinterest until after the date. I suspect he is honestly confused and honestly hurt and just wants to know what went wrong.

(And the mask made of skin? A souvenir from Malaysia. Honest.)

Posted by: joncelli at December 08, 2011 04:14 PM (+MbqG)

311 my crawlspace would be far less smelly.

Glade air-fresheners.  Just sayin'. 

Posted by: Mr. Plinkett at December 08, 2011 04:14 PM (UR5vq)

312 That guy is a freak and a potentially dangerous one at that.

Posted by: mpfs at December 08, 2011 04:15 PM (5zBoE)

313

you really need to repaint the trim on your bedroom window.

One night around midnight, I got a call from my neighbor, a single guy who lives across the alley from me.  I didn't know him well, just enough for the occasional wave or pleasantries when putting out the garbage.  So when he called that night solely for the purpose of asking why I was watching boxing on TV, that was a bit freaky.  My bedroom is on the 2nd floor and the blinds were closed.  Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well that night.  

Helpful tip for you morons, don't call a woman you barely know in the middle of the night to discuss what you see looking through her bedroom window.

It was some comfort to me that I was not watching boxing, so he could not in fact see through my blinds.  I successfully avoided the guy for the next year, and he eventually moved without further incident. 

Although what he did was creepy, my gut instinct was that he wasn't dangerous, just oblivious to how his phone call would be perceived.  I think he meant to be funny, and thought since we were both up at the same time it was ok to call that late.

Posted by: Mayday at December 08, 2011 04:15 PM (orrLR)

314 you have pretty eyes. you'd look good in a plastic bag. Let's go hiking.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 04:15 PM (nj1bB)

315 Maddog 20/20 is good too.

Posted by: Vote for me and I'll set you free! at December 08, 2011 04:15 PM (xqpQL)

316 Nobody gets me. -Mike in his kimono dancing to Ina Gada Da Vida.

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:15 PM (WsOiK)

317
There is a lot of things wrong with you, but I would consider a second date.  Ya know that meat house in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  Yeah, they play classical music there now.

best,

Mike

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at December 08, 2011 04:16 PM (JYheX)

318

(she said she could've gone "either way") 

 

... she might have been offering you a choice of inputs. 

Posted by: garrett at December 08, 2011 04:16 PM (p/j8z)

319 '
Mayday;

He was testing your security and your nerve.


booga booga.

Posted by: Vote for me and I'll set you free! at December 08, 2011 04:17 PM (xqpQL)

320 The mixed signals thing is tough to figure out though.

The last time I went on a first date I asked if she wanted to go back to my place for some pizza and anal.

She told me she likes pizza, so what's with kicking me in the balls?

Posted by: Hollowpoint at December 08, 2011 04:17 PM (SY2Kh)

321 should i be worried we are so good at this?

Very worried. But keep it up, please. My sides hurt from laughing.

Posted by: Retread at December 08, 2011 04:17 PM (ALZZ7)

322 that's not even an asperger's thing, that's how a lot of people drive themselves crazy wondering about "mixed signals" and other nonexistent stuff.

Posted by: ace at December 08, 2011 08:06 PM (nj1bB)

That's where friends come in to help. You have friends, right?

Posted by: ErikW at December 08, 2011 04:17 PM (QzBOX)

323 Hi Papa Editor, glad you could join us

Posted by: chemjeff at December 08, 2011 04:18 PM (s7mIC)

324 You know, it's like your eyes are saying "fear" and "pain" but the whimpers coming from behind your gag seem excited. Almost passionate. ITSMIXEDSIGNALSYOURETRYINGTOMIXMYSIGNALSYOUWHOREMIXEDMIXEDMIXED!

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at December 08, 2011 04:18 PM (vzFJV)

325 She told me she likes pizza, so what's with kicking me in the balls?

I'm the food of love.

Posted by: pancakes at December 08, 2011 04:18 PM (GTbGH)

326 Mr. Mike like horse head bookends?

Posted by: Sometimes Malvert pee red at December 08, 2011 04:18 PM (Ixum5)

327 I hope my missive has convinced you of my thoughts towards you, please call .

Posted by: willow channels Mike at December 08, 2011 04:19 PM (h+qn8)

328 Does this smell like chloroform?

Posted by: Mike, giving homage to the classics at December 08, 2011 04:20 PM (vVv3V)

329 My Sweet Sweet Love,

Missed you so much today I forgot to buy pool acid and plastic sheeting.

I'm such a scatterbrain sometimes.

M.

ps: You have a wasp nest started under your eaves in the backyard.

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:20 PM (WsOiK)

330 Mike = Joe Davola

Posted by: mpfs at December 08, 2011 04:20 PM (5zBoE)

331 314 That guy is a freak and a potentially dangerous one at that.

Posted by: mpfs at December 08, 2011 08:15 PM (5zBoE)

I was going to say, this guy sounds like a psychopath. That shit is crazy and I'm betting she picked up on that and that's why she dropped him like a hot rock.

Posted by: Rum doesn't date because of guys like this all over Los Angeles at December 08, 2011 04:20 PM (E+E+p)

332 why did you move? that isn't very nice.

Posted by: willow channels Mike at December 08, 2011 04:20 PM (h+qn8)

333 Had my share of personal run ins with desperate psycho chicks who confuse human decency with flirtation... so this is what the hyper emotional socailly retarded male version of that looks like....

Posted by: Shiggz - Newt (Maximum Warp!) at December 08, 2011 04:20 PM (RfvTE)

334 Had my share of personal run ins with desperate psycho chicks who confuse human decency with flirtation...

But was she hot?

Posted by: toby928© at December 08, 2011 04:21 PM (GTbGH)

335 Is your dad a thief? Because he must have stolen the eyes of a supermodel and put them in your eye-sockets.

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 04:22 PM (JVEmw)

336 Lauren, be not so icily chaste with your favors. Your perfumes linger yet in my mind, like the familiar odor of chloroform tippled into a restaurant napkin.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 04:22 PM (AZGON)

337

He was testing your security and your nerve.

Did I pass the test?

Posted by: Mayday at December 08, 2011 04:22 PM (orrLR)

338 I'm pretty sure we connected , sort of like an unborn child and a mother ... wanna se my umbilical cord collection ?

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 04:22 PM (npr0X)

339 Rum! You are right on point with this guy. He believes he is the catch of the century. Alarms bells going off!

Posted by: mpfs at December 08, 2011 04:23 PM (5zBoE)

340 He.took.IT.out.

Posted by: elaine at December 08, 2011 04:23 PM (GTbGH)

341 Had my share of personal run ins with desperate psycho chicks who confuse human decency with flirtation...

Yeah. But the sex is usually great with the crazies. Just don't get drunk or fall asleep or give a real number or address or go back to where you met them ever again.

and pour tequila on everything.

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:23 PM (WsOiK)

342 Car starting ether. Can't get chloroform anymore since 911.

Posted by: Vote for me and I'll set you free! at December 08, 2011 04:23 PM (xqpQL)

343 Do you like games? Let's play "Try to dial for help before I rip the phone out of the wall and tie you with the cord."

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at December 08, 2011 04:23 PM (vzFJV)

344 you really should get a new security lock on you back door.

Posted by: willow channels Mike at December 08, 2011 04:23 PM (h+qn8)

345 but here's the thing - she would have cried either way.  By being honest with her you didn't cause her to cry, you just caused it to happen in front of you.

Maybe, but had I been less honest and just blown her off I wouldn't have had to feel like the asshole who made his date cry.  If she cries in the comfort of her own home after I don't call her back, it's no skin off my back.

At least I was smart enough to lie when I answered that sure, her 5'7" and 200 lb frame was exactly what I thought an "average" body type meant.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at December 08, 2011 04:23 PM (SY2Kh)

346 It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets a note again.

Posted by: nickless will probably get accidentally banned again soon at December 08, 2011 04:24 PM (MMC8r)

347 Your feces has a good amount of consistency and solidity. I consider that a mark of good character. Do you like ice skating?

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 04:24 PM (nj1bB)

348 Rum doesn't date because of guys like this all over Los Angeles

I left, what more can I do?

:=)

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:24 PM (WsOiK)

349 347 Do you like games? Let's play "Try to dial for help before I rip the phone out of the wall and tie you with the cord."

Great, that's going to be one of the traps for the next Saw movie...thank you so very much for that! 

Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at December 08, 2011 04:24 PM (UR5vq)

350 Look, she wrote that and planted it on my computer. I figured it was her way of saying, "I'm shy so maybe if you send this to me we can see each other again." So I did and then these Homeland Security guys show up only they claim to be police officers but one of them might be a Jew and he is on the radio to some guy who frankly didn't sound human at all and when I said I like Jews he said "My name is OLeary. What is wrong with you Jack?" and so I knew he was really a shape shifter and he knew my name was not Jack but at least his partner didn't know so I wouldn't be killed right away but then they mention my girlfriend and everything went bad...

Posted by: the real mike at December 08, 2011 04:24 PM (aKiIq)

351 "Rohypnol" is just another way of saying "I love you."

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 04:25 PM (AZGON)

352 "Did I pass the test?"

So far.


Posted by: Vote for me and I'll set you free! at December 08, 2011 04:25 PM (xqpQL)

353 cell phone alert! verizon brings you a message of Hope!
no change needed.

Posted by: willow channels Mike at December 08, 2011 04:25 PM (h+qn8)

354 IT

Posted by: elaine at December 08, 2011 04:25 PM (GTbGH)

355  have just tried The Naked Man.

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:26 PM (WsOiK)

356 If I told you had a great body, would you let me create a silicone duplicate of it and hold that against me?

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 04:27 PM (JVEmw)

357 Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 08:24 PM (WsOiK)

I'm going to tell your wife you said that. :p

Posted by: Rum <3 Mrs. Sifty at December 08, 2011 04:27 PM (E+E+p)

358 At least I was smart enough to lie when I answered that sure, her 5'7" and 200 lb frame was exactly what I thought an "average" body type meant. That IS average for mature female Hutts.

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at December 08, 2011 04:27 PM (PLHIl)

359 Jeffrey Dahmer had healthier relationships.

Posted by: nickless will probably get accidentally banned again soon at December 08, 2011 04:28 PM (MMC8r)

360 female, Is it that i stiffed you with the bill after ordering food for all my male friends?

Posted by: willow channels Mike at December 08, 2011 04:28 PM (h+qn8)

361 This Mike guy is a major "down twinkles."

Posted by: mpfs at December 08, 2011 04:28 PM (5zBoE)

362 Let myself in earlier today to fix those creaky stairs for you , you're welcome .

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 04:28 PM (npr0X)

363

@31:  "Sounds like something Dwight Schrute would write"

More like Woody Allen, but I've probably got thirty years on you.

Posted by: 66chevelle at December 08, 2011 04:29 PM (QjSgY)

364 with profound frowns, maybe a tear or two.

Posted by: willow channels Mike at December 08, 2011 04:29 PM (h+qn8)

365 I'm going to tell your wife you said that. :p

You are a cruel cruel Disney villain.

Give her hugs for me. You'll see her before I do.

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:29 PM (WsOiK)

366 so sorry about your dog.

Posted by: willow channels Mike at December 08, 2011 04:29 PM (h+qn8)

367

My sweet baboo (that's you, Lauren),

I don't understand why you won't accept my friend request on facebook.  I've changed my status to "Seeing a SPECIAL! Someone," and I know you are much too nice a person to leave me hanging.

Besides, your pupils distinctly dialated on three separate occasions during our first date and you licked your lips seductively at least 5 times, so I know the attraction/chemistry is there.

Passionately burning for you,

 

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 04:30 PM (4q5tP)

368 We both enjoy long walks on the beach, curling up by the fireplace, sharpening skinning tools and Chopin. If we don't give this another try, we may both regret it. Although you won't regret it very long, I must admit.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 04:30 PM (AZGON)

369 Am I attractive to you yet? Perhaps you require more alcohol.
Please respond.

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 04:31 PM (JVEmw)

370 Sometimes I sneak into your house and stand in your bedroom listening to you sleep. We breath the same air.

Posted by: the human mike at December 08, 2011 04:31 PM (aKiIq)

371 Glad I used a fake name for that E-Mail otherwise I'd be embarrassed.

Posted by: Holger at December 08, 2011 04:31 PM (zaVyn)

372 Even your mother believes you treated me unfairly and thinks you should go out with me on another date.

Here, let me take the duct tape off her mouth and she'll tell you herself.

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 04:31 PM (SY2Kh)

373 I'm not used to being stood up for dates.

You aren't used to checking your car for bombs.

Even Steven.

Best,

Mike

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:31 PM (WsOiK)

374 Looks aren't important to me. I'm more interested in what you look like on the inside.

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at December 08, 2011 04:32 PM (PLHIl)

375 Does anyone envision Mike as an insane Pepe La Pew?

Posted by: mpfs at December 08, 2011 04:32 PM (5zBoE)

376 379 Does anyone envision Mike as an insane Pepe La Pew?

At least Pepa La Pew had some style! 

Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at December 08, 2011 04:33 PM (UR5vq)

377 You won't leave me until I pick you out of my teeth.

Posted by: Mike. Mike. MIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKEEEEE! at December 08, 2011 04:33 PM (MMC8r)

378 Pepe Le Pew made date rape cool before date rape was cool. -Mike

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:34 PM (WsOiK)

379 You know, Lauren, you make me fear the same thing will happen again. I meet a lovely woman, we go out once, and I never hear from her again. Maybe there just isn't anyone out there for me. Not above ground, anyway.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 04:34 PM (AZGON)

380 Thanks Ace, for this post.  Whatta nice break from all the other political insanity.

Posted by: Count de Monet at December 08, 2011 04:35 PM (4q5tP)

381 Lauren, Your picture would look lovely on the side of a milk carton. Best, Mike

Posted by: mpfs at December 08, 2011 04:35 PM (5zBoE)

382 Try not to think of it as kidnapping. Think of it as Hide and Seek with the whole world.

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:35 PM (WsOiK)

383 384 Thanks Ace, for this post.  Whatta nice break from all the other political insanity.

Yes, indeed.  So when is the Captain America movie review coming out for us to scorn and mock read adoringly? 

Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at December 08, 2011 04:36 PM (UR5vq)

384 I will close for now, I'm trying to finish a book on taxidermy.

Posted by: Mike. Mike. MIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKEEEEE! at December 08, 2011 04:36 PM (MMC8r)

385 I understand that you have a hard time opening yourself up to men. But I have many scalpels and a new bone saw. Is Thai food okay? Too spicy?

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at December 08, 2011 04:36 PM (PLHIl)

386 You'll get used to the cfc lighting in a few days . Trust me on this , you WILL thank me later .

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 04:36 PM (npr0X)

387 did i tell you i own a lovely place in the woods, where one could listen to classical music at any range and no one would complain?

Posted by: willow channels Mike at December 08, 2011 04:36 PM (h+qn8)

388 When I tried to touch you you went all stiff and cold. I knew you understood me then.

Posted by: mike from alternate universe at December 08, 2011 04:37 PM (aKiIq)

389 With time, you'll learn to write on cinder blocks with your fingernails. I recommend tic tac toe.

Best,

Mike

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:37 PM (WsOiK)

390 Gratuitous dry humping aside, I did not have sex before marriage at 24, (also,  why I no longer climb mountains, "endurance challenges" aren't thrilling anymore)

My understanding based on friends and TV is that Crazies suck and ride dongs like their Daddy's love is about to finally arrive after decades of emotional and affection level ie chick blue balls.  In short... I can certainly see the appeal and risk calculation to that.

Posted by: Shiggz - Newt (Maximum Warp!) at December 08, 2011 04:38 PM (RfvTE)

391 Anyone else concerned about Empire of Jeff?

Posted by: Hannibal Lector at December 08, 2011 04:38 PM (zaVyn)

392 did i tell you I knew another Lauren, she disappeared out of my life one day, You bring her back to me.

Posted by: willow channels Mike at December 08, 2011 04:38 PM (h+qn8)

393 Lauren my lovely, you can't sleep ma Cherie? It's nothing that a little Prozac and a polo mallet wouldn't fix. Best, Mike

Posted by: mpfs at December 08, 2011 04:39 PM (5zBoE)

394 You've stolen my heart. Here, take this canopic jar.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 04:39 PM (AZGON)

395 Lauren sounds like an uptight bitch.

Posted by: nickless will probably get accidentally banned again soon at December 08, 2011 04:40 PM (MMC8r)

Posted by: willow channels Lauren, at December 08, 2011 04:40 PM (h+qn8)

397 Maybe were crazy and this guy is sane and this chick is playing a masterful long game of "hard to get."

^how crazy people think^

Posted by: Shiggz - Newt (Maximum Warp!) at December 08, 2011 04:41 PM (RfvTE)

398 Gotta go, my Daily Kos diary is overdue.

Posted by: Mike. Mike. MIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKEEEEE! at December 08, 2011 04:41 PM (MMC8r)

399 Mike, that wasn't me twirling my hair that was you, and it was more pulling than twirling, even the man at the neighboring table had to ask you to stop or He would call the police.

Posted by: willow channels Lauren, at December 08, 2011 04:41 PM (h+qn8)

400

@89: "That letter would qualify her for a carry permit - in California."

If you are hot enough, a peasant making eye contact with you justifies a carry permit in California.

Posted by: Fa Cube Itches at December 08, 2011 04:42 PM (jAqTK)

401 400 You've stolen my heart. Here, take this canopic jar.

Chicks really dig it when you give them your own ear. 

Posted by: Vincent van Gogh at December 08, 2011 04:42 PM (UR5vq)

402 As my dear old maiden Aunt used to say,

A crazy woman will suck a dick like it holds the last oxygen on the space station.

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:43 PM (WsOiK)

403 Was there a point to this, other than wasting bandwidth?

Posted by: Chuckit at December 08, 2011 04:43 PM (NJx3e)

404 lend them your ear, dear friend.

Posted by: willow channels Lauren, at December 08, 2011 04:43 PM (h+qn8)

405 I'd hire a private investigator to find out what this guy is up to. Gives me thecreepy crawlies.

Posted by: mpfs at December 08, 2011 04:44 PM (5zBoE)

406

To my gorgeous googlybear Lauren,

I've calculated your pelvic dimensions and have concluded we'd be a perfect fit, IYKWIM.

You can ditch that, that device in your nightstand drawer.  It's not even the right color.

Your adoring friend,

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 04:44 PM (4q5tP)

407 Was there a point to this, other than wasting bandwidth?

Posted by: Chuckit at December 08, 2011 08:43 PM (NJx3e)


it was to bring forth your untapped aquifer of boundless mirth.

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:45 PM (WsOiK)

408 I notice you haven't bothered passwording your home computers . This could be a huge problem if the wrong person ever had access .... just sayin' . call me

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 04:46 PM (npr0X)

409
No, not really. Anyway, I hear the expression 'eats like a bird' - it-it's really a
[stammers] fals-fals-fals-falsity. Because birds really eat a tremendous lot. But -I-I don't really know anything about birds. My hobby is stuffing things. You know - taxidermy.

Posted by: Mike Bates at December 08, 2011 04:46 PM (JYheX)

410

@107: "my other sister had to deal with a guy pumping the platypus in the bushes outside her apartment."

She was in my thoughts; I was in her bushes - it all equals out.  I know she loves me - she left her curtains open.

Posted by: Francis Dolarhyde at December 08, 2011 04:46 PM (jAqTK)

411 Guy doesn't call you after the first date = he's not interested.
Girl doesn't call you back after the first date = she's not interested.
Very simply really.

Posted by: Syracuse1989 at December 08, 2011 04:46 PM (OIIe6)

412 I've longed to build you your own little place, where just the two of us can croon and cuddle in a burrow of love. Quiet, close, and you can breathe through a tube in the lid. I'll be down later, honey.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 04:47 PM (AZGON)

413 Three cats is too many. Now you have two.

You'll thank me later.

Love,
Mike

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 04:47 PM (WsOiK)

414 "Teh emotional damage that dads can do to daughters" is so thoroughly discussed in our culture. 

This guy is a great example of what emotional damage by mothers can create.

Notice every-time there is some heinous serial killer... always seems to turn out he had an extremely messed up relationship with his mom.  Feminists don't like to think/talk about that.

abusive fathers often = alcoholics and sluts
abusive mothers often = dead hookers in the trunk

Posted by: Shiggz - Newt (Maximum Warp!) at December 08, 2011 04:47 PM (RfvTE)

415 who was that other man with you last nigth?

Posted by: willow channels Mike, at December 08, 2011 04:48 PM (h+qn8)

416

abusive mothers often = dead hookers in the trunk

It's always the mother's fault.  First place to look to place blame! That's so unfair.

Posted by: Marie Barone at December 08, 2011 04:50 PM (4q5tP)

417 Your bedroom closet is difficult to breathe quietly in .

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 04:50 PM (npr0X)

418 Hey! Anakin talked about killing an entire tribe of Sand People (men, women, and children) at length, mind you, and Natalie Portman still slept with him.

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 04:51 PM (jAqTK)

419 Masturbating during dinner just means I like you!

Posted by: Mike. Mike. MIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKEEEEE! at December 08, 2011 04:51 PM (MMC8r)

420 I just can't quit now. Not when I've learned so many fascinating things about you. Your love of Haydn and Beethoven, your taste in food, your social security number, your bank and credit card account numbers, your medical history and number of prescriptions, the addresses of your nieces and nephews... so many captivating details. And I haven't even begun on your recycling.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 04:51 PM (AZGON)

421 it was to bring forth your untapped aquifer of boundless mirth.

Especially if you read the whole thing (if you have the stomach for it):

Perhaps, you donÂ’t think I have a "real" job. Well, IÂ’ve done very well as an investment manager. I've made my parents several millions of dollars.

So he did try the "I'm a millionare route". 

That's real money. That's not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it's a real job. Donald Trump's children work for his company. Do they have "real" jobs? I think so. George Soros's sons help manage their family investments.

Talking positively about any of the Antichrist's Soro's family or Soros himself is immediate grounds for not taking you seriously all by itself.

Do they have "real" jobs? I think so. In addition, IÂ’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that IÂ’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer.

It shows from this letter, Mike.  It really shows...


Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at December 08, 2011 04:52 PM (UR5vq)

422 (I don't get it, I'm acting just like one of those 'Twilight' characters that all the women love...)

Posted by: Mike. Mike. MIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKEEEEE! at December 08, 2011 04:52 PM (MMC8r)

423 #OccupyLauren

Posted by: Mike. Mike. MIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKEEEEE! at December 08, 2011 04:54 PM (MMC8r)

424 I noticed all your kitchen knives were very sharp.  I'm just going to hold onto them for a while lest you cut yourself.

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 04:54 PM (SY2Kh)

425 And now we know what happened to DMXRoid.

Posted by: Warden at December 08, 2011 04:54 PM (CL7aA)

426

@141: "I felt more comfortable just not acknowledging their calls, hoping they'd take the hint.  It was the only way I knew how to hurt their feelings as least as possible."

Great - now you tell me.  Well, better late than never, I suppose.

Posted by: Zombie Charles Whitman at December 08, 2011 04:55 PM (jAqTK)

427
You shouldn't have led me on by breathing.  That was not nice.

PS - your bath mats don't match your towels.

best,
Mike

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at December 08, 2011 04:55 PM (JYheX)

428 I knew if i just explained in this letter , my importance , you will change your mind.

Call Me!

Posted by: willow channels Mike, at December 08, 2011 04:55 PM (h+qn8)

429 Definitely uses Axe product, like the good beta male that he is. If he was an Old Spice man, he'd have tapped that and her best friend... AT.THE.SAME.TIME. By the way, Mike, the classical music angle was a TRAP just to see how big a flaming pussy you were.

Posted by: Brock O'bama at December 08, 2011 04:58 PM (/WZ6r)

430

My sweet, sweet, winkle-monkey,

I really enjoy the chase and your pretending to play hard-to-get.  I know you enjoy it also by the expression of anticipation on your face as you run from your car to your front door.  It's like your head is on a swivel, looking for me, seeking me out.

Soon my squiggle-button.  Soon!

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 05:00 PM (4q5tP)

431 -Is Lauren a leftist?  Why is she being "greedy" with her body?

-Women, advice, don't let men pay if you have zero intention of ever going out with them again.

-When I got engaged and we were poor I kept thinking back to all the money and time I spent on previous girls and wish I had it all saved up to give to my wife.

Posted by: Shiggz - Newt (Maximum Warp!) at December 08, 2011 05:01 PM (RfvTE)

432 I got to go call Lauren. She's obviously single and needs a man.

You kids be cool and you never saw me.

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 05:02 PM (WsOiK)

433

@189: ""I'm sorry, I'm just not that into you" or something similar I would've had trouble with."

Awww, jeez - if only you could have said that.  There's a few couples who were on dates a while back that I now owe major apologies.

Posted by: Zombie Arthur Leigh Allen at December 08, 2011 05:03 PM (jAqTK)

434 I'm putting together a scrapbook of my work life and was wondering if you have any recent photographs that I didn't find while ransacking tidying up your place while you were at work today . I'm waiting for your answer patiently , for now .

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 05:03 PM (npr0X)

435

@215: "When I was these kids' age I never chased a boy, or called a boy, or sat in a parked car with a boy...."

Prude.

Posted by: David Berkowitz at December 08, 2011 05:07 PM (jAqTK)

436 By the way, Mike, the classical music angle was a TRAP just to see how big a flaming pussy you were.

-
Them's fightin words.

Posted by: Classical Music Lover at December 08, 2011 05:10 PM (wQ1iq)

437 I'm attracted to young people.

Posted by: Jerry Snadusky's left testicle at December 08, 2011 05:11 PM (g7KDy)

438

hey Mike,

Valu-Rite and fat chicks, think about before you end up in a cell with Inmate # iturnumout.

 

Posted by: shoey at December 08, 2011 05:19 PM (m6OUa)

439 Dear Mike,
I'm a dude.  You went on a date with a dude in drag.  Hetero a-hole, leading me on with your "I'm such a homo" dating profile.

Posted by: dustydog at December 08, 2011 05:21 PM (2p9Ss)

440 Is it just me, or does this reek of something Charles Johnson would have written?

Posted by: Your Tax Dollars At Wrok at December 08, 2011 05:24 PM (OmxMs)

441 Masterful, Ace. Simply hilarious.

Posted by: ARRRJAYYY at December 08, 2011 05:25 PM (QTVh2)

442 Who the hell did Mike date, anyway? Eleanor Clift?

Posted by: CoolCzech at December 08, 2011 05:26 PM (niZvt)

443 #398, "When I tried to touch you you went all stiff and cold.
I knew you understood me then." 

I'm stealing that.  That's seriously funny.

Posted by: dustydog at December 08, 2011 05:26 PM (2p9Ss)

444 Wow.  On reflection, my dating life is actually pretty good!  Although I think I dated - ONCE - his better-adjusted brother.  Pro tip for the guys.  If your Match.com photo shows you bald, don't wear a dead muskrat on your head for a date.  I'll be looking for the confident bald guy and completely overlook you.  Plus, dead muskrat on your head.

Posted by: bad cat robot at December 08, 2011 05:26 PM (fwc5w)

445 Sounds like the plot to 'Boxing Helena' , the worst movie of alllll time

Posted by: Pooter Hound at December 08, 2011 05:27 PM (le5qc)

446 I am very late to this and couldn't even read the entire creepy thing. But my advice to the woman who received this message is:
1. Hide
2 Buy a  gun and learn how to use it. Keep it with you at all times. Practice reaching for it in the dark from a sleeping position.
3. Move. To a different state.
4. STOP dating guys you have never met.
5. Go to church. Listen to your soul.
6. Be at peace.

Posted by: Pecos, Perry in a blaze of Glory at December 08, 2011 05:31 PM (2Gb0y)

447

@351: "Rum doesn't date because of guys like this all over Los Angeles

I left, what more can I do?

:=)

Posted by: sifty at December 08, 2011 08:24 PM (WsOiK)

--------------------------

Think we made a mistake leaving her alive?  I mean, I'd eat Chinese, but I'd just be hungry again an hour later.....

Posted by: Fa Cube Itches at December 08, 2011 05:32 PM (jAqTK)

448 Lay off brother Mike. He seems fine and well-balanced to me.

Posted by: Ed Gein at December 08, 2011 05:34 PM (m0PhS)

449 Dear Ace: What kind of life do you lead to have found this in the first place?
Poor Dear. You need to run for your life. And take the advice I sent to the woman.
Get thee out of the the pit of vice you live in and breathe free clean air while it is still possible.

Posted by: Pecos, Perry in a blaze of Glory at December 08, 2011 05:35 PM (2Gb0y)

450

Knew a guy like that.  Never went out with him, but he fixated on me.  Wound up having to go to the police, drop out of a beloved organization, get a lawyer.

There's Aspberger's, and there's nuts.  This guy's nuts.  And she should take that to the police and get a file started on him.

Posted by: Biblio at December 08, 2011 05:36 PM (LNe4F)

451

Well crap.

Posted by: Lauren at December 08, 2011 05:37 PM (29T98)

452 Excitable boy, they all said.

Posted by: Zombie Warren Zevon at December 08, 2011 05:39 PM (jAqTK)

453 You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her PUBIC hair is a common sign of flirtation FIFY

Posted by: Pooter Hound at December 08, 2011 05:39 PM (le5qc)

454 This woman needs to move to another  apartment, change her job and/or move to another state.   Maybe she needs to move to another country.  A sane man would have taken the hint she didn't want to see him again.  This guy is not sane and sounds like he could be a futre stalker.  Woman need to more careful who they date for there are a lot of kooks out there and it is a mistake to let them know you exist.

Posted by: BarbaraS at December 08, 2011 05:47 PM (H6kVp)

455 I made a doll of you out of ground beef and razors.

Posted by: best, Mike at December 08, 2011 05:47 PM (nj1bB)

456 Holy shit.  This is like a transcript of my last two relationships, only the perpetrators were female. 

Yeah, I spiked my cell phones.

Posted by: Fritz at December 08, 2011 05:48 PM (FabC8)

457 This is just like the one Michelle sent me after our first date.  Difference is I said "yes" to a second date and things kinda snowballed from there. 

Snowballed.  Get it?

Posted by: B. Barack Dickus at December 08, 2011 06:02 PM (u+8qs)

458 This letter is my worst nightmare.  I am hoping my autistic son is never articulate enough to make an ass out of himself like this.


Posted by: Deanna at December 08, 2011 06:08 PM (QjZhI)

459

My Cheri Amor,

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? (Not really, because it makes no sense to compare a person to the astronomical phenomenon of the Earth's axis of rotation not being perpendicular to the orbital plane, but as we all know is currently at an angle of about 23.44° (aka the "obliquity of the ecliptic"), and that the axis keeps its orientation with respect to an inertial frame of reference.  As a consequence, for half the year (from around 20 March to 22 September) the Northern Hemisphere is inclined toward the Sun, with the maximum around 21 June.  You can't compare a person to that.)

Anyway, I just wanted to gently remind you that according to the internet, youÂ’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, weÂ’re a good match in terms of age.  A fertile woman of your age is nearing the end of her healthy child bearing years.  You can even do a google search on it.  Seems many fertility problems and birth defects begin to grow exponentially beginning at age 35, so there's still a window of a few years where we could begin a family.  Before your eggs hit their expiration date.

I remain,

Steadfastly devoted to you,

You are my sweet butternut,

Posted by: Mike at December 08, 2011 06:17 PM (4q5tP)

460 I donÂ’t usually add my comments, but I will in this case. Nice work. I look forward to reading more.

Posted by: Tiny Buddha ePub at December 08, 2011 06:32 PM (NnwTo)

461 This has to be an early draft of a "Shelton" episode of The Big Bang Theory.

Posted by: Amy (not my real name) at December 08, 2011 06:44 PM (D+Cui)

462

Mike,

Call me.

 

Posted by: Helen Thomas at December 08, 2011 06:54 PM (aDEFz)

463 I bet Mike voted for Obama in 2008, and will vote for him again in 2012.  Because he is an idiot and extraordinarily self-centered, and he likes that in a President, too.

Posted by: BeckoningChasm at December 08, 2011 07:08 PM (i0App)

464 Hopefully he never finds this post; he sounds so earnest and clueless it made me sad for him, but your commentary was wicked funny, Ace.

Posted by: venus velvet at December 08, 2011 07:39 PM (mztDG)

465 Crazy white guys.

Posted by: baldilocks at December 08, 2011 07:45 PM (T2/zQ)

466

Funny stuff, Ace. Nicely done.

 

456...... This guy's nuts. And she should take that to the police and get a file started on him.

Yeah, absolutely. This guy knows where she lives now. .....Some of this sounded creepily familiar to me, since I had a guy fixate on me once. It didn't end well.

Posted by: wheatie.....aka ConservativeMenAreJustHotter at December 08, 2011 08:16 PM (HvKWW)

467 Hah. I was mocked once for writing a long ass email to a girl, but she was an ex girlfriend and I had to spell out for me why I wish death upon her. Not...just some lady I just met.

 Maybe I should introduce her to him? She broke up with me when I was on vacation, I think he'd find it to be a term of endearment.

Posted by: Crazee at December 08, 2011 08:22 PM (sbtxl)

468 Who was that crazy mensa internet chick who was all over the web for months and then disappeared.  She might be perfect for this guy. 

Posted by: Joe at December 08, 2011 08:50 PM (UwxZ1)

469 Boy, this post escalated quickly... I mean, it really got out of hand fast.

Posted by: Dr Spank at December 08, 2011 09:08 PM (Sh42X)

470

On a serious note, this guy is a classic stalker and I recommend the book The Gift Of Fear by Gavin de Becker to anyone, man or woman, who finds themselves targeted by a nut like this.  In the book de Becker explains that all a stalker cares about is contact.  Any kind of contact.  The worst thing any victim can do is respond in any way at all. 

Do not change your phone number.  Use an answering machine or voice mail and have a FEMALE friend record the greeting and then never answer the phone.  Get a new line (this was before cell phones were popular, so would be much easier today) and only give it to friends and family.   DO NOT have a male friend record the greeting because that will piss off the stalker.  Don't record it yourself because he'll call it just to hear your voice.  Never listen to the messages.

Ignore everything he does.  Letters, post cards, emails.  Never respond.  If he shows up in person make it very clear you do not want anything to do with him even if it means being rude.  But be clear.  Then ignore him.  Do NOT get a friend or your brother or your father to try to scare the guy.  It won't work.

Chances are very good that if you ignore him from the very beginning he'll find someone else to fixate on and move on to that person.  Yeah, not a great solution but worry about yourself.  If it does come down to getting the cops involved and a restaining order, buy a gun and be prepared to use it.

 

Posted by: Jaynie59 at December 09, 2011 03:45 AM (4zKCA)

471 I feel like I just watched the "Swingers" answering machine scene. How pathetic.

Posted by: Teleprompter at December 09, 2011 05:28 AM (NbmYl)

472 "My mother in law writes my wife letters with same tone about why she doesnt visit or why she doesnt call her back etc ... she is an Aspy" No she isn't.

Posted by: Bsmeter at December 09, 2011 05:49 AM (eJo44)

473 "I am glad to see that you know so much about Aspies. You do realize that a fair chunk of the world's music and art have been produced by folks who were slightly autistic, right? Inability to read body language does not mean that they are unemotional or unable to feel empathy. It is a comunication issue." Shut the fuck up and stop lying asshole. Seriously, what a pathetic thing to lie about.

Posted by: Bsmeter at December 09, 2011 05:58 AM (eJo44)

474 " I imagine that Mozart and Tolkien might be mildly offended if you told them that they didn't understand human emotion, though." They'd be more offended by you lying about them having Asperger's.

Posted by: shutthefuckup at December 09, 2011 06:04 AM (eJo44)

475
For the record, I did not write that email.

When it comes to dating, I'm like the honey badger: I don't give a fuck.

Posted by: I R A Darth Aggie © at December 09, 2011 06:05 AM (1hM1d)

476 I can't believe I spent so much time reading this, although I found some of the comments to be brilliant, especially #58 and 180. Does Ace get dating tips from Plinkett?

Posted by: I Agree More With Pam at December 09, 2011 08:28 AM (iURW8)

477 Awww, c'mon....he's just like Pepe Le Pew, sans French accent!

Posted by: model_1066 at December 09, 2011 08:53 AM (YbQJm)

478 TEASE!1!  If you don't want to ride in the panel van, don't take the candy.

Posted by: Crabby Old Bat at December 09, 2011 01:08 PM (ZVKoE)

479 "I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you" Gosh. If only I had a nickel for every time I whispered that "sweet nothing" into some gal's ear!

Posted by: proof at December 10, 2011 01:18 PM (ik6yX)

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