Ace of Spades HQ

April 13, 2014

Horror Story Open Thread [CBD]
— Open Blogger

Ace posted on Friday about two sentence horror stories, and Oregon Muse mentioned them again in the Book Thread.

So...how about an open thread for Morons' versions of them? I'll start it off with an entry from a friend...

"I went to the liquor cabinet to pour myself a drink. The only bottle in it was vodka. "

Posted by: Open Blogger at 03:07 PM | Comments (271)
Post contains 66 words, total size 1 kb.

1 I think the thread winner this morning was (paraphrasing): Barack Obama elected in 2008. Barack Obama re-elected in 2012.

Posted by: Y-not at April 13, 2014 03:10 PM (zDsvJ)

2 She pushed her horned-rimmed glasses back up her nose. "My husband and I were upset when Google first decided to send him here, but now we think Idaho has plenty of potential!"

Posted by: Colorado Alex at April 13, 2014 03:10 PM (lr3d7)

3 Yay.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at April 13, 2014 03:11 PM (IXrOn)

4 Barack Obama elected in 2008.
Barack Obama re-elected in 2012.

Posted by: Y-not at April 13, 2014 07:10 PM (zDsvJ)

That's gonna be hard to top.

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 03:11 PM (8lmkt)

5 Never ever been this early...

Posted by: Yep, I'm a nerd... at April 13, 2014 03:11 PM (FCgaq)

6 Here it is: Obama elected as president. Obama re-elected as president. Posted by: am We correct yet? at April 13, 2014 11:33 AM (oBzH0)

Posted by: Y-not at April 13, 2014 03:11 PM (zDsvJ)

7 Barack Obama elected in 2008. Barack Obama re-elected in 2012. Posted by: Y-not at April 13, 2014 07:10 PM (zDsvJ) perfection

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at April 13, 2014 03:11 PM (IXrOn)

8 I didn't know threads existed with less than 96 comments.

Posted by: Yep, I'm a nerd... at April 13, 2014 03:12 PM (FCgaq)

9 That's gonna be hard to top. Jeb Bush elected in 2016. Jeb Bush re-elected in 2020.

Posted by: EC at April 13, 2014 03:12 PM (doBIb)

10 We had our family reunion in Las Vegas. In the morning, my sister kissed me on the lips and told me how happy she was that my brother and I had gotten married.

Posted by: rick at April 13, 2014 03:12 PM (snYrg)

11 Jeb Bush elected in 2016.

Jeb Bush re-elected in 2020.

Posted by: EC at April 13, 2014 07:12 PM (doBIb)

Don't even joke about this. Please, I beg you.

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 03:12 PM (8lmkt)

12 Tiger Woods did not play in the Masters. Some good ole' boy won it, instead.

Posted by: Jim Nantz at April 13, 2014 03:13 PM (zDsvJ)

13 President. Hillary.

Posted by: JarvisW at April 13, 2014 03:13 PM (E7Iyp)

14 Please, repeat after me, Mrs. Clinton...

I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.

Posted by: Dread Justice John Roberts at April 13, 2014 03:13 PM (08jH8)

15 Only thing worse then waking up next to two empty bottles of Val-U-Rite vodka? Waking up in a bathtub with the empty bottles and missing a kidney.

Posted by: lowandslow at April 13, 2014 03:13 PM (IV4od)

16 Jeb Bush elected in 2016. Jeb Bush re-elected in 2020. Posted by: EC at April 13, 2014 07:12 PM (doBIb) Now I'm going to have nightmares. thx

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at April 13, 2014 03:14 PM (IXrOn)

17 A creepy guy wearing dark sunglasses and a black suit with a thin tie shot me as I was racing to answer an old phone. Then he turned into and elf and I died.

Posted by: eman at April 13, 2014 03:14 PM (jDL6K)

18 The time traveler, having arrived back in his own time, stumbled into the bar for a stiff drink as he wondered if his mistakes during this last trip through space-time had any lasting effects. His thoughts were interrupted when the bartender replied to his request, "I've never heard of 'whisk-ee' stranger, how about a white wine?"

Posted by: Sean at April 13, 2014 03:14 PM (t+uGE)

19 I went to the animal shelter to adopt a wonderful pet. I came home with a cat instead.

Posted by: grammie winger at April 13, 2014 03:15 PM (oMKp3)

20 Hilary / Jeb win in 2016 Sharia law in 2020

Posted by: Foghorn Leghorn at April 13, 2014 03:15 PM (l0lja)

21 There was another good one from this morning. Not verbatim America first suffered through eight years of rule under Obama. Then they suffered under eight years of rule by Hilary.

Posted by: Adam at April 13, 2014 03:15 PM (Aif/5)

22 OT: BREAKING. SHOTS FIRED AT OVERLAND PARK, KS JEWISH CENTER.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at April 13, 2014 03:16 PM (CMkNk)

23 From Puffington: OVERLAND PARK, Kan. (AP) - Authorities say three people died in a shooting at a Jewish community center and retirement community, and two were shot at but not injured. Overland Park Police Chief John Douglass said at a news conference Sunday that the person who had been reported to be in critical condition was one of the three dead. Douglass said shots were fired behind the Jewish Community Center of Greater Kansas City in a parking lot, and two males died. Shots were reported minutes later at the Village Shalom retirement community, where one female died. Ages and identities of the victims were not released. A man in his 70s who is not from Kansas was taken into custody at a nearby school. Douglass did not provide further information. Douglass said a shotgun was involved.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at April 13, 2014 03:16 PM (CMkNk)

24 Steak for dinner! Honey, where's the dog?

Posted by: Foghorn Leghorn at April 13, 2014 03:17 PM (l0lja)

25 I went to the animal shelter to adopt a wonderful pet. I came home with a cat instead.

Posted by: grammie winger at April 13, 2014 07:15 PM (oMKp3)

grammie winger!!!

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 03:17 PM (8lmkt)

26 Sales were down for the quarter. The managers had a 9 hour long meeting at headquarters.

Posted by: CozMark at April 13, 2014 03:17 PM (BjOkm)

27
Bubba sumthin' or other can't read or write, but the dumb sum'bitch sure can hit a little ball.

Posted by: Alan Grayson, D-Florida and Peruvia at April 13, 2014 03:18 PM (nQjHM)

28 My wife complained in the middle of the night that I had left the toilet seat up. When I went to the bathroom to put it down the floor was covered in wet footprints....

Posted by: Jenk at April 13, 2014 03:18 PM (e2ysZ)

29 I hit my hand with a hammer. Hitting myself in the head had not worked either.

Posted by: CozMark at April 13, 2014 03:19 PM (BjOkm)

30 3/31 I finally got signed up on healthcare.gov 4/30 I called the doctor and the first appointment available is 4/19/2017.

Posted by: Foghorn Leghorn at April 13, 2014 03:20 PM (l0lja)

31 I opened up my browser & started to read the ONT, like any normal Moron would. Moo Moo was there spewing his normal brand thrash, scaring the crap out of all of us, so I threw my phone in the fire pit, and grabbed my crucifix & 12 gauge - just in case.

Posted by: shredded chi at April 13, 2014 03:20 PM (hR3cu)

32 Suddenly I was paralyzed with fear and revulsion. Michelle O had slowly begun to remove her clothes.

Posted by: Duke Lowell at April 13, 2014 03:20 PM (snFeN)

33 My elderly uncle who was staying with us said his prostate wasn't too good. Now I know what I stepped in while barefoot in the bathroom.

Posted by: Tilikum the Killer Assault Whale at April 13, 2014 03:20 PM (VqV1Z)

34 Andrew Breitbart left us. He was the best we had.

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 03:20 PM (8lmkt)

35 I'm the first pick in the NFL draft. For the Cleveland Browns.

Posted by: Foghorn Leghorn at April 13, 2014 03:21 PM (l0lja)

36 The door to the nondescript black van slid open next to the playground. "Would you like some candy, young man?", asked Senator Reid in a soft voice.

Posted by: pep at April 13, 2014 03:21 PM (4nR9/)

37 It was a normal walk in the woods, a beautiful Spring day, full of hope and promise. Then I saw the weasel.

Posted by: Lincolntf at April 13, 2014 03:22 PM (ZshNr)

38 Pelosi called. There's a reason you're still itching.

Posted by: Ron at April 13, 2014 03:22 PM (t0+u1)

39 I love these kinds of writing exercises. They really test the whole brevity thing. That said, I ain't got nuthin' yet. To quote Ten Bears, I will think on this.

Posted by: Arthur Cognomen at April 13, 2014 03:22 PM (dkesm)

40 Posted by: shredded chi at April 13, 2014 07:20 PM (hR3cu) Or another one of our tregulars: There was a thread about tensions in Ukraine. In it I was told any negative statement about Putin is advocating for killing Russian babies.

Posted by: Adam at April 13, 2014 03:23 PM (Aif/5)

41 I opened AOSHQ and felt the blood freeze in my veins. Ace had posted the ONT.

Posted by: Dack Thrombosis at April 13, 2014 03:23 PM (oFCZn)

42 The Voices came back. They said it was Karaoke Night....

Posted by: Jenk at April 13, 2014 03:24 PM (e2ysZ)

43 7 dead infants found in boxes in home in Utah. Woman arrested.

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 03:24 PM (8lmkt)

44 I made sweet love to my stalker. Then I told her to get lost.

Posted by: eleven at April 13, 2014 03:24 PM (fsLdt)

45 I walked up to the president to see what he was reading. It was How to Serve Dog.

Posted by: Bo the Portugese Water Dog at April 13, 2014 03:24 PM (4nR9/)

46 The nightmare started in November of 2008...

Posted by: Prez'nit 404 at April 13, 2014 03:25 PM (Dwehj)

47 It's nearing 7:30pm. I've only now begun to work on my tax return.

Posted by: Sandra Fluke's Solid Gold Diaphragm at April 13, 2014 03:25 PM (bHnlE)

48
Forty-seven years ago on Palm Sunday 1967, the 118th Assault Helicopter Company Thunderbirds and armed platoon Bandits in conjunction with the 68th Top Tigers and gunship platoon Mustangs conducted a Combat Assault to LZ Gold in III Corp, Republic of Vietnam with heavy loss of life and equipment.

To all the young men who were sacrificed that memorable day, you will not be forgotten, and God Bless the families of the chosen few.

Bandit 32

http://tinyurl.com/kp88g87

Posted by: Doctor Fish at April 13, 2014 03:25 PM (nQjHM)

49 "Well, you've finally gotten that removed!", said my ex-wife. I dropped the axe and just knew I was going to miss that foot.

Posted by: Slapweasel at April 13, 2014 03:25 PM (lq3Ak)

50 It was a normal walk in the woods, a beautiful Spring day, full of hope and promise. Then I saw the ~~weasel~~ elk. Posted by: Lincolntf at April 13, 2014 07:22 PM (ZshNr)

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at April 13, 2014 03:25 PM (IXrOn)

51 No one can say for sure how or when, but The End must be coming soon.

The Cubs just won the World Series.

Posted by: nah, who am I kidding at April 13, 2014 03:26 PM (08jH8)

52 As usual, my alarm/radio awoke me far too early that day. President Obama sounded more tired and worn than usual, as the station replayed his fourth presidential victory speech from the night before.

Posted by: Grimaldi at April 13, 2014 03:26 PM (mk79I)

53 It was a beautiful day in the park. Then a large Mexican man began to hang his family reunion sign.

Posted by: CozMark at April 13, 2014 03:26 PM (JeBIy)

54 12 Tiger Woods did not play in the Masters. Some good ole' boy won it, instead. Posted by: Jim Nantz at April 13, 2014 07:13 PM (zDsvJ) Jim's in his hotel room humping one of Tiger's green jackets. And sobbing.

Posted by: eleven at April 13, 2014 03:26 PM (fsLdt)

55 I died and St. Peter told me that I could have all the sex I wanted. Then I realized I was in the Happy Days Retirement Home.

Posted by: Roman Polanski at April 13, 2014 03:27 PM (4nR9/)

56 Many a night I've spent on this old boat, letting the waves rock me to sleep, as far from the maddening crowds as earthly possible, and I had planned on spending many more nights just like that. But the leak isn't stopping.

Posted by: Lincolntf at April 13, 2014 03:27 PM (ZshNr)

57 I was smoking a cigar. My wife came home.

Posted by: True Story at April 13, 2014 03:27 PM (XKelX)

58 ooops..

Posted by: eleven at April 13, 2014 03:27 PM (fsLdt)

59 I was hungry. There was no bacons.

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 03:27 PM (8lmkt)

The contents of my trash cans were scattered across my front yard. Ewok feces were smeared across my driveway, spelling out "RINO".

Posted by: Marco Rubio at April 13, 2014 03:27 PM (sQ0LB)

61 >>43 7 dead infants found in boxes in home in Utah. Yeah, terrible. All over the local news. How did the neighbors not notice seven pregnancies with no babies?

Posted by: Y-not at April 13, 2014 03:27 PM (zDsvJ)

62 I recoiled speechless at the specter before me, reaching, reaching. Then, in mounting horror, I recognized her as the ghost of Auntie Zeituni reaching for my wallet.

Posted by: Von Bismarck at April 13, 2014 03:28 PM (qvLHP)

63 I'm from the government. I'm here to help.

Posted by: Tilikum the Killer Assault Whale at April 13, 2014 03:28 PM (VqV1Z)

64
It's a tradition for GWU grads to try and sex the Masters winner, but with a name like Bubba, I'm not going down on any hillbilly dude.

Posted by: Sandra Fluke at April 13, 2014 03:29 PM (nQjHM)

65 I lie in bed in a state between slumber and consciousness, paralyzed, and unable to open my eyes to what approaches. Ever closer the creaks of the floorboards

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at April 13, 2014 03:29 PM (oNvIA)

66 63 I'm from the government. I'm here to help. Posted by: Tilikum the Killer Assault Whale at April 13, 2014 07:28 PM (VqV1Z) AHHHHH!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!

Posted by: EC at April 13, 2014 03:29 PM (doBIb)

67 My insurance doesn't cover birth control for free. Obama will fix that.

Posted by: LIV at April 13, 2014 03:29 PM (IXrOn)

68 Y-not, she had the babies and then she murdered them and put 'em in boxes in her garage. Someone posted a comment on the story: If you don't want your baby, there is a legal form of murder called abortion. Horde-worthy, that.

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 03:29 PM (8lmkt)

69 43Â 7 dead infants found in boxes in home in Utah. Woman arrested. Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 07:24 PM (8lmkt) --------------- AWWW, jeez... that's not part of this 2 sentence game, is it? Fuck me running. Dammit, I want off this planet right now.

Posted by: shredded chi at April 13, 2014 03:30 PM (hR3cu)

70 The zombies came across the Mexico/Arizona border in hordes, yet we had nothing to fear from them.

Posted by: Señor Juan McCain at April 13, 2014 03:30 PM (Dwehj)

71 We had spent hours laying out the new hardwood floors. We awoke to realize that something had replaced the old, diseased green carpeting. Not very good, but this was a dream I had after spending several weekends placing hardwood floors in my house.

Posted by: Arthur Cognomen at April 13, 2014 03:31 PM (dkesm)

72 I was reveling in the new warrior spirit on the Right. Then Andrew Breitbart died.

Posted by: rrpjr at April 13, 2014 03:31 PM (s/yC1)

73 I realized I had clumsy cockroaches crawling on my ceiling. I sleep with my mouth open.

Posted by: Tilikum the Killer Assault Whale at April 13, 2014 03:31 PM (VqV1Z)

74 >>>43 7 dead infants found in boxes in home in Utah.

Yeah, terrible. All over the local news. How did the neighbors not notice seven pregnancies with no babies?
Posted by: Y-not at April 13, 2014 07:27 PM (zDsvJ)<<<

It was cold, what else were we to do?

Posted by: British National Health Services employee now living in Utah at April 13, 2014 03:31 PM (08jH8)

75 Coffee was banned. Coffee was banned.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at April 13, 2014 03:31 PM (IXrOn)

76 43 7 dead infants found in boxes in home in Utah. Woman arrested. Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 07:24 PM (8lmkt) That last bit was more of a sentence fragment than a proper sentence. Also, I'm more into storage jars rather than boxes. But, different strokes for different folks.

Posted by: Dr. Kermit "2 Cool 4 Mengele" Gosnell at April 13, 2014 03:32 PM (bHnlE)

77 If it came down to Jeb or Hillary, both bad, I would prefer Jeb. IÂ’m hopeful for a true conservative & not a moderate for GOP nominee. I can dream canÂ’t I?

Posted by: Carol at April 13, 2014 03:32 PM (gjOCp)

78 >>68 Y-not, she had the babies and then she murdered them and put 'em in boxes in her garage. --- Yeah, but the neighbors being interviewed on my tee-vee clearly had a lot of contact with her. She was babysitting their kids, for pity's sake. So I just gotta wonder how she brings seven pregnancies to term and none of the neighbors notice -- either that she was pregnant or that after 9 months there was no baby.

Posted by: Y-not at April 13, 2014 03:32 PM (zDsvJ)

79 If a man wants to fuck a goat that's fine. Because I support ghey marriage.

Posted by: Alvin Holmes at April 13, 2014 03:32 PM (Aif/5)

80 I'm Paul Ryan. I support a comprehensive solution for immigration that includes illegals getting a path to citizenship, but don't call it amnesty, cause it's not.

Posted by: pep at April 13, 2014 03:33 PM (4nR9/)

81 I know, Y-not, it's mindboggling. WTF? It's so easy to give up your baby, nobody has to kill their baby! Sorry, I need to calm down, this really upset me.

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 03:33 PM (8lmkt)

82 I had bacon for breakfast every day. Then one day I was the second to last left.

Posted by: eman at April 13, 2014 03:34 PM (jDL6K)

83 I opened an email this morning with the subject line 'nude photos of Christina Hendricks', but there were no nude photos of Christina Hendricks, only a virus. I opened another email with the subject line 'nude photos of Nancy Pelosi', but it actually contained nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.

Posted by: OregonMuse at April 13, 2014 03:34 PM (fTJ5O)

84 Government only helps you out of your money and into a mass grave.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at April 13, 2014 03:35 PM (CMkNk)

85 Then it hit me. I would have to hunt the horde of hobos without weapons.

Posted by: Tilikum the Killer Assault Whale at April 13, 2014 03:35 PM (VqV1Z)

86 know, Y-not, it's mindboggling. WTF? It's so easy to give up your baby, nobody has to kill their baby! Sorry, I need to calm down, this really upset me. Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 07:33 PM (8lmkt) Seven couples who wanted to adopt are crying right now.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at April 13, 2014 03:35 PM (IXrOn)

87 84 I opened an email this morning with the subject line 'nude photos of Christina Hendricks', but there were no nude photos of Christina Hendricks, only a virus. I opened another email with the subject line 'nude photos of Nancy Pelosi', but it actually contained nude photos of Nancy Pelosi. Posted by: OregonMuse at April 13, 2014 07:34 PM (fTJ5O) Is that horror or comedy?

Posted by: EC at April 13, 2014 03:35 PM (doBIb)

88 79 So I just gotta wonder how she brings seven pregnancies to term and none of the neighbors notice- Posted by: Y-not at April 13, 2014 07:32 PM (zDsvJ) If'n she's a big gal. And by big, I mean Shamu.

Posted by: Yep, I'm a nerd... at April 13, 2014 03:36 PM (FCgaq)

89 Patriots have an unbeaten season. Patriots lose Superbowl.

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 03:36 PM (8lmkt)

90 As I went to vote a poll worker asked me for my ID card. In Spanish....

Posted by: Jenk at April 13, 2014 03:36 PM (e2ysZ)

91 The DNC selected Elizabeth Warren in 2016. She won.

Posted by: PaleRider at April 13, 2014 03:36 PM (5CusZ)

92 #19 grammie winger ftw!

Posted by: OregonMuse at April 13, 2014 03:37 PM (fTJ5O)

93 One attempt. I love snow. But with these broken legs, I find it hard to keep from suffocating.

Posted by: Arthur Cognomen at April 13, 2014 03:37 PM (dkesm)

94 92 The DNC selected Elizabeth Warren in 2016. She won. -------- We have taken back our ancestral lands!

Posted by: Chief Liawatha at April 13, 2014 03:37 PM (Aif/5)

95 shouldn't we be writing two sentence horror stories here?

Posted by: yankeefifth at April 13, 2014 03:37 PM (rDidD)

96 I arrived at work on Monday. An envelope marked "Your new benefits under "PPACA"strared sullenly at me.

Posted by: joinnj at April 13, 2014 03:38 PM (T3Pu3)

97 Monty was right. Idiocracy was not a movie, it was a documentary from the future.

Posted by: Conservative Crank at April 13, 2014 03:38 PM (sQ0LB)

98 I went to an animal shelter to adopt a wonderful pet. I came home with an STD instead.

Posted by: Tilikum the Killer Assault Whale at April 13, 2014 03:38 PM (VqV1Z)

99 It's snowing here in Colorado. Not hard, but not quite giving up. The thing that gets me is how whiny people are about a fairly benign weather event. I come from a place where snow in late May is not unusual.

Posted by: Arthur Cognomen at April 13, 2014 03:39 PM (dkesm)

100 Am I the only one trying the two-line horror story thing here? Yes, said the NSA guy in my computer....

Posted by: Jenk at April 13, 2014 03:40 PM (e2ysZ)

101 A triumphant day for all of us here at Weight Loss Adventure Centre and Court Club! Rosie O'Donnell is our newest board member and will be overseeing daily operations.

Posted by: Lincolntf at April 13, 2014 03:40 PM (ZshNr)

102 shouldn't we be writing two sentence horror stories here?

Posted by: yankeefifth at April 13, 2014 07:37 PM (rDidD)

Not everybody is good at math. Oh, including you!!

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 03:40 PM (8lmkt)

103
Harry Reid showed up.
At a little league game.

Posted by: YIKES! at April 13, 2014 03:40 PM (mETGQ)

104 The door creaked open wearily. Michelle and Nancy broke their embrace and beckoned for me to join them on the bed.

Posted by: Yep, I'm a nerd... at April 13, 2014 03:40 PM (FCgaq)

105

"Wake up, George, you're just having a nightmare. Of course, we are still in Hell."

--Stolen from Gary Larson

Posted by: Conservative Crank at April 13, 2014 03:41 PM (sQ0LB)

106 I'd like to introduce our new CTO to all of you here at Amazon. Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Kathleen Sebelius.

Posted by: Jeff Bezos at April 13, 2014 03:41 PM (4nR9/)

107 It's not the graveyards that are haunted, the old man leaned over and whispered in my ear, it's the people in them. And then I ran.

Posted by: Lincolntf at April 13, 2014 03:42 PM (ZshNr)

108 I went to wright on the paper when I realized I was still holding the suppository. Instantly, I knew where my pen was.

Posted by: Tilikum the Killer Assault Whale at April 13, 2014 03:42 PM (VqV1Z)

109 I snitched for the FBI. Where teh white women at?

Posted by: Al Sharpton at April 13, 2014 03:43 PM (8lmkt)

110 I had a dream of darkness and choking and smothering. I woke up underneath a naked Roseanne Barr.

Posted by: Dack Thrombosis at April 13, 2014 03:43 PM (oFCZn)

111 After years of successfully navigating the lake in my canoe, today, the unthinkable happened.

I capsized, and all of my weapons were lost to the depths.

Posted by: random Moron at April 13, 2014 03:43 PM (08jH8)

112 I came in the house to collect my dollar for mowing the lawn and, at the tender age of 13, saw my very first naked woman. It was Helen Thomas.

Posted by: qdpsteve at April 13, 2014 03:44 PM (HVI5a)

113
I opened the jar.
It was mayonnaise.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 13, 2014 03:45 PM (mETGQ)

114 103 shouldn't we be writing two sentence horror stories here? .... I made an effort, scary or not

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at April 13, 2014 03:45 PM (oNvIA)

115 I used to be a simple Mexican shopkeeper. Now I curse Eric Holder and the cartels from my grave.

Posted by: Conservative Crank at April 13, 2014 03:45 PM (sQ0LB)

116 - Jennie watched as M.C. Escher descended down the staircase, his chromed ax coated red with the blood of her sorority sisters. He turned left and walked away as she began running towards the ceiling, five seconds later Jennie saw the flash of the ax a second before she noticed her blood hitting the wainscot. _

Posted by: BumperStickerist at April 13, 2014 03:45 PM (4CVLy)

117

I had a dream in which I was fucking my son in law.

Fortunately he had become a woman at some point during the sequence

**I had to discard that particular set of underwear**

Posted by: pendejo grande at April 13, 2014 03:46 PM (25zIQ)

118 I grew up fearing clowns. I did not know that they were merely trying to protect me from a far greater evil... Mimes.

Posted by: Arthur Cognomen at April 13, 2014 03:46 PM (dkesm)

119 I have had my television off all day today. I had to go to FNC on iPad for the story of the woman with the dead babies. SheÂ’s got to be mentally ill. She probably belongs in a psych ward. If she is not mentally ill, she deserves death penalty.

Posted by: Carol at April 13, 2014 03:47 PM (gjOCp)

120 It's been three days since I've seen my dog, I've been calling his name day and night. Tonight he called mine.

Posted by: Lincolntf at April 13, 2014 03:47 PM (ZshNr)

121 - Jim stared at his tax return. His tax return stared back. _

Posted by: BumperStickerist at April 13, 2014 03:47 PM (4CVLy)

122 I went to wright on the paper when I realized I was still holding the suppository. Instantly, I knew where my pen was.

Now that's some first rate comedy right there.

Posted by: OregonMuse at April 13, 2014 03:47 PM (fTJ5O)

123 It's been three days since I've seen my dog, I've been calling his name day and night. Then one day I caught Barack Obama walking by my house with a bib on. FIFY, Lincolntf. ;-)

Posted by: qdpsteve at April 13, 2014 03:48 PM (HVI5a)

124 I opened the liquor cabinet. All the bottles were empty.

Posted by: no good deed at April 13, 2014 03:48 PM (ILBCY)

125 It had been a night of heavy rainfall. As I padded into the kitchen, I saw water dripping from the sagging ceiling.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at April 13, 2014 03:49 PM (aDwsi)

126 I looked out my window after several soothing glasses of locally grown, sustainable agriculture, fair trade, organic wine. To my horror, I saw a short rotund man in an Ewok costume HAVING SEX WITH MY GARBAGE AGAIN!!!!

Posted by: Mary Cloggenstein from Brattleboro, Vermont at April 13, 2014 03:50 PM (vez/B)

127 I have had my television off all day today. I had to go to FNC on iPad for the story of the woman with the dead babies. SheÂ’s got to be mentally ill. She probably belongs in a psych ward. If she is not mentally ill, she deserves death penalty.

I'm sorry, but the horror stories on this thread have to be 2 sentences.

(I denounce myself...)

Posted by: OregonMuse at April 13, 2014 03:50 PM (fTJ5O)

128 I found out that my ex-GF just struck oil on her home property. Weird, given that she lives in a fifth-floor condo.

Posted by: qdpsteve at April 13, 2014 03:50 PM (HVI5a)

129 My life had been good. Then they brought the dog home.

Posted by: Mike Hammer's Cat at April 13, 2014 03:50 PM (aDwsi)

130 She probably belongs in a psych ward.

I say, burn the witch.

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 03:51 PM (8lmkt)

131 Jim stared at his tax return. His tax return stared back. _ Posted by: Bumper ------------------- You just *had* to remind me.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at April 13, 2014 03:52 PM (aDwsi)

132 Before we had our roof fixed, MH, that was the reality in our guest room. Literally dripping down through the ceiling onto a bed. When they replaced it you could tell the flange that went around the vent pipe was Swiss cheese, and the shingles were way past their due date. Huge mess, but a great feeling to not have to look for a pan when you hear it start raining.

Posted by: Lincolntf at April 13, 2014 03:52 PM (ZshNr)

133 This weekend is Easter, and the forecast calls for a freeze. Will this Global Warming never cease?!

Posted by: no good deed at April 13, 2014 03:53 PM (ILBCY)

134 Ok, serious one: She said "Wake up, wake up; you're having a bad dream!" When I woke up, I was alone.

Posted by: 5Cats at April 13, 2014 03:53 PM (EbYrW)

135 We've gotta new home all ready for you, Bo, my good old puppy-wuppy!
Hello, Mr President.

Posted by: bo the dog at April 13, 2014 03:54 PM (hn5v5)

136 My second chakra called. It needs release.

Posted by: Al Gore at April 13, 2014 03:54 PM (4nR9/)

137 .

Posted by: Marcel Marceau at April 13, 2014 03:54 PM (jucos)

138 Fucking 60 Minutes. You can count on them if you are Barack Obama. After a nice piece on Pope Francis, they did their little tap dance with Barry, so he could lie about having talked about inequality with Francis, and how Francis is going to be a big help to him solving this huge weighty problem. Of course the 60 Minutes stooge smiled and nodded.

Posted by: the littl shyning man at April 13, 2014 03:55 PM (tmFlQ)

139 I despise mimes.

Posted by: yankeefifth at April 13, 2014 03:55 PM (rDidD)

140 I smiled as my old friend shook my hand, pulled me close and slapped me on the back. Then my chest tingled, and the smile faded away as a crimson stain spread across my shirt...

Posted by: Conservative Crank at April 13, 2014 03:55 PM (sQ0LB)

141

OOOOOOGA BOOOOOOOGA

Posted by: Marcel Marceau at April 13, 2014 03:56 PM (jucos)

142 he spilled hotsauce on your shirt?

Posted by: yankeefifth at April 13, 2014 03:56 PM (rDidD)

143 I have to go the farm tomorrow armed only with my wits and a knife, to possibly confront the beast that's been terrorizing our herd. That's exaggerated, but fundamentally true. Two Sentence Non-Fiction Horror Story.

Posted by: Lincolntf at April 13, 2014 03:56 PM (ZshNr)

144 Everyday at about 4:30 am hundreds of employees walk into the Val-U-Rite Bacon Factory & Charcuterie. Only 13 leave at night.

Posted by: weft cut-loop [/i] [/b] at April 13, 2014 03:56 PM (SZLoS)

145 - What started off as a nice, bran-brindled poop, the kind where use of paper is optional, in my local IHOP ended in tragedy. My whoop of pride and relief happened to be the summoning spell for Dalmarth, Destroyer of Worlds. _

Posted by: BumperStickerist at April 13, 2014 03:56 PM (4CVLy)

146 I'm sorry, but the horror stories on this thread have to be 2 sentences. (I denounce myself...) Posted by: OregonMuse at April 13, 2014 07:50 PM (fTJ5O) IÂ’m sorry but I hadnÂ’t heard that particular true horror story! What a sick bitch.

Posted by: Carol at April 13, 2014 03:56 PM (gjOCp)

147 I saw my ex-wife yesterday. Today I'm adding another foot of dirt to the flower bed.

Posted by: 5Cats at April 13, 2014 03:57 PM (EbYrW)

148 My mommy found out she was pregnant with me. A man named Kermit Gosnell told her.

Posted by: Baby at April 13, 2014 03:58 PM (w40Pv)

149 OT, but did anyone else see Sander Levin being turned into Chris Wallace's bitch today. Wallace asked him, repeatedly, to explain why 100% of conservative groups were audited, while only 30% of liberal groups were (that was the spin, I'm sure it's much less than that). Levin utterly beclowned himself, as he was obviously trying to run out the clock with a bunch of inane, irrelevant babble. Wallace, to his credit, kept cutting him off and telling him to answer the question. It was golden.

Posted by: pep at April 13, 2014 03:58 PM (4nR9/)

150 You want to really be horrified.
John Boehner is the best we can do for Speaker.

Posted by: DaveA[/i][/b][/s] at April 13, 2014 03:58 PM (DL2i+)

151 - I have no mouth and I must scream - because I must orgasm and I have no penis. And I am not a chick. _

Posted by: BumperStickerist at April 13, 2014 03:58 PM (4CVLy)

152 Based on a "Cards against Humanity" game I played not long ago: "It was an erection lasting for more than five hours" the man shouted. The jury at the abused puppies trial winced.

Posted by: The Hat against Humanity at April 13, 2014 03:59 PM (AymDN)

153 I left an open tag.[\i]

Posted by: andycanuck at April 13, 2014 03:59 PM (hn5v5)

154 The year is 2032. President Chelsea Clinton is elected President.

Posted by: Lauren at April 13, 2014 04:00 PM (hFL/3)

155 I have to go the farm tomorrow armed only with my wits and a knife, to possibly confront the beast that's been terrorizing our herd.

You got a chupacabra out there?

Posted by: OregonMuse at April 13, 2014 04:00 PM (fTJ5O)

156 Again.

Posted by: Lauren at April 13, 2014 04:00 PM (hFL/3)

157 118

*Golf clap*

Posted by: Socrates at April 13, 2014 04:00 PM (SeWvG)

158 2 sentence movie plot When I entered into the small room I had no idea the beast would insert the tube into my mouth and down my throat so that it could plant its seed in my esophagus. Then I remembered I was pulling a double shift at the porno theater glory hole.

Posted by: Ashley Judds' Puffy Scamper, former MrCaniac1 at April 13, 2014 04:00 PM (HxSXm)

159 I tugged desperately, each hand losing skin to the metal handcuffs, but I was attached to the metal bars of the bed, with no chance of escape.

She didn't say anything, as the robe fell away, revealing her wrinkled flesh and I cringed as she moved onto the bed, the light shining on those ancient, drooping orange sized breasts pressed against my chest, she straddled me before joking "You're going to have to pass it, to see what's in it..."

Posted by: Stateless Infidel at April 13, 2014 04:00 PM (AC0lD)

160 And was told, "The Barrel's over here, dickhead."

Posted by: [/i]andycanuck[/b] at April 13, 2014 04:00 PM (hn5v5)

161 There's math on the blog.
You know the right answer.

Posted by: DaveA[/i][/b][/s] at April 13, 2014 04:01 PM (DL2i+)

162 - The first to notice the death of James Tatterdemalion were the bedbugs that jumped off him in search of the warmer blood of the rats that were drawn to the scene. - one sentence.

Posted by: BumperStickerist at April 13, 2014 04:01 PM (4CVLy)

163 "Congratulations Mr Johnson, you've won a Million Dollars!" "I'm Mr Jackson, the Johnsons live next door..."

Posted by: 5Cats at April 13, 2014 04:01 PM (EbYrW)

164 Chief Justice Sonya Sotomayor swore in Chelsea Clinton today.

Today she starts her second term as President.

Posted by: GnuBreed at April 13, 2014 04:01 PM (cHZB7)

165 For a long time, I thought the dog was trying to look into my eyes. Then I realized he was actually looking longingly at my throat.

Posted by: Hrothgar at April 13, 2014 04:01 PM (o3MSL)

166 I opened the early morning Top Headlines thread. Gabe had posted a music video.

Posted by: grammie winger at April 13, 2014 04:02 PM (oMKp3)

167 I saw my ex-wife yesterday. Today I'm adding another foot of dirt to the flower bed.

Posted by: 5Cats at April 13, 2014 07:57 PM (EbYrW)

lol!!!

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 04:03 PM (8lmkt)

168 My husband came home, took off his hat, and sat.down in his chair. I died 3 weeks ago.

Posted by: Lauren at April 13, 2014 04:03 PM (hFL/3)

169 I had a vivid dream that I was attacked by a hairy, foul smelling beast. I woke up next to Lena Dunham

Posted by: Albie Damned at April 13, 2014 04:03 PM (cGaCp)

170 My husband came home, took off his hat, and sat.down in his chair. I died 3 weeks ago. This was pretty much the plot of "The Others" with Nicole Kidman, iirc

Posted by: boulder t'hobo at April 13, 2014 04:04 PM (30eLQ)

171 A woman's screams echoed through the dark forest. I realized I hadn't buried her deep enough...

Posted by: 5Cats at April 13, 2014 04:04 PM (EbYrW)

172 It's really great to be back on set with everyone, and I look forward to being your director once again.

Now, let's make some new Star Wars!

Posted by: George Lucas at April 13, 2014 04:05 PM (08jH8)

173 Really Boulder Hobo? Never saw it.

Posted by: Lauren at April 13, 2014 04:05 PM (hFL/3)

174 I saw my ex-wife yesterday. Today I'm adding another foot of dirt to the flower bed.

Bravo!

Posted by: DaveA[/i][/b][/s] at April 13, 2014 04:06 PM (DL2i+)

175 I lost my wallet today. And everything else below my waist.

Posted by: GnuBreed at April 13, 2014 04:06 PM (cHZB7)

176 I awoke to the sound of a cat purring loudly at the foot of my bed. Then I remembered, I own a dog...

Posted by: 5Cats at April 13, 2014 04:06 PM (EbYrW)

177 My kid believes everything her college professors tell her. She plans to vote in 2016.

Posted by: Shadowczar at April 13, 2014 04:06 PM (LZosW)

178 Coyotes, who have gone from being a couple of "regulars" that we recognize to a pack of six that attacked the neighbor's dog. They chase deer through the pastures when they're in packs, freaks out the horses, they can break through fences, gates, when all riled up, and then it's a sure bet they'll get seriously hurt running around uncontained. I hate to kill anything that's just doing it's natural job, but these fuckers are getting to be too much. The owner of the place lives on the property and is in her late Eighties, can't be worried about this shit.

Posted by: Lincolntf at April 13, 2014 04:07 PM (ZshNr)

179 Thanks @Peaches and @DaveA! It's a variation of a classic. I usually lurk, but I've been a Moron for many years.

Posted by: 5Cats at April 13, 2014 04:08 PM (EbYrW)

180 michelle. obama.

Posted by: yankeefifth at April 13, 2014 04:08 PM (rDidD)

181 um... spoiler alert. Sorry. The Others is a good movie but on the other hand it is one of those Movies With A Twist. On the grasping-hand it came out in 2001, so the spoiler statute of limitations might be over

Posted by: boulder t'hobo at April 13, 2014 04:09 PM (30eLQ)

182 Game of Thronse comes on at 9. My wife wants to watch "August: Osage County" instead.

Posted by: Kasper in Arrears..... at April 13, 2014 04:09 PM (OVmhO)

183 It was perfectly clear there had been massive voter fraud in the past election and the thinking citizens wanted justice. Eric Holder said no.

Posted by: Zoo ear at April 13, 2014 04:09 PM (aiEoI)

184 My new parents seemed strange but I was grateful that someone finally adopted me, the Fat Kid. Then we arrived home and they chained me to a post in the kennel and opened the cages.

Posted by: lyle at April 13, 2014 04:10 PM (w2pv/)

185 I wrote a brilliant blog post and other bloggers linked...to the comments. And the first 4 comments were "First", "Not First", "Frist" and "Oops".

Posted by: Ewok Blogger at April 13, 2014 04:10 PM (SUKHu)

186 On sales call at 30 Rock in elevator with Racheal and Chris Hayes.
East coast power failure.

Posted by: Edgar Allen Hoe at April 13, 2014 04:11 PM (8/dgB)

187 @ 187 Heh.

Posted by: Arthur Cognomen at April 13, 2014 04:11 PM (dkesm)

188 Game of Thronse comes on at 9. My wife wants to watch "August: Osage County" instead.

Posted by: Kasper in Arrears..... at April 13, 2014 08:09 PM (OVmhO)

You only gots the one tee vee? So sad . . .

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 04:11 PM (8lmkt)

189 My ex-wife cut off my cock and balls. Then I woke up, with her in bed, next to me...

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at April 13, 2014 04:11 PM (vHRtU)

190 I woke up, again, to the sound of Sonny and Cher's "I Got You Babe". It was Gerbil Day again . . .

Posted by: the guy Boy George chained in his cellar at April 13, 2014 04:12 PM (30eLQ)

191 I wrote a brilliant blog post and other bloggers linked...to the comments. And the first 5 comments were "First", "Not First", "Frist", "Oops" and "Why are you blogging about that?"

Posted by: Ewok Blogger at April 13, 2014 04:13 PM (SUKHu)

192 I've always been a "glass half full" optimist. Sadly, I found the Obama administration is a glass half full of piss.

Posted by: Mr. Feverhead at April 13, 2014 04:13 PM (6ahup)

193 "Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit" said the Nurse as she tied Mommy down and sedate her. "Is the saline ready," inquired the doctor.

Posted by: The Hat against Humanity at April 13, 2014 04:13 PM (AymDN)

194 I wanted to be Magnum P.I.. I ended up being Higgins.

Posted by: Lincolntf at April 13, 2014 04:13 PM (ZshNr)

195 A crazed Nazi broke into a Jewish assisted living home and killed someone, and then ran next door to the JCC and opened fire on children performing To Kill A Mockingbird. He killed three more, one a child.

Posted by: thunderb at April 13, 2014 04:13 PM (zOTsN)

196 180 Lincoln, did you ever get a pellet gun? At the very least, you can scare them a little

Posted by: shredded chi at April 13, 2014 04:14 PM (hR3cu)

197 Puff piece on my parents? Oh god, my pinkie!

Posted by: Jay Carney's at April 13, 2014 04:14 PM (hFL/3)

198 The Cubs have the bases loaded in the bottom of the 9th in the seventh game of the World Series. A guy named Bartman takes a seat in the bleachers.

Posted by: grammie winger at April 13, 2014 04:15 PM (oMKp3)

199 Rachel Madcow came toward me holding a meat cleaver. "Kiss me or die," she said.

Posted by: Donna & V. at April 13, 2014 04:17 PM (2w+1/)

200 Game 6. Nelson Cruz is at the warning track.

Posted by: The Rangers at April 13, 2014 04:17 PM (hFL/3)

201 Nope on the pellet gun, but I did decide on the (watch me get this wrong) Crosman .177 pistol that you pump by jacking the barrel. It's in my cart, but I haven't ordered it yet. I'm afraid that my kinder, gentler pellet gun window may have closed now that the dog was bitten. Everyone out there has dogs, and cats, and kids, it's a 9 acre island surrounded by "new" development.

Posted by: Lincolntf at April 13, 2014 04:17 PM (ZshNr)

202 I wrote a brilliant blog post and other bloggers linked...to the comments. And the first 7 comments were "First", "Not First", "Frist", "Oops", "Why are you blogging about that?", "Open tag! Now the blog is leaning to the right" and "Oh, you fixed it".

Posted by: Ewok Blogger at April 13, 2014 04:18 PM (SUKHu)

203 I was upset to learn my Grandma had voted for Obama twice. She's been dead since 1980.

Posted by: Mr. Feverhead at April 13, 2014 04:18 PM (6ahup)

204 I dreamed I died.Then I woke up, and killed myself.

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at April 13, 2014 04:19 PM (vHRtU)

205 The blood spurted then gurgled loudly as I sawed through what I thought was the aorta. When I reached for the pliers, a grimy hand suddenly gripped my wrist and it was then I realized that my hobo wasn't completely dead.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at April 13, 2014 04:20 PM (jsn41)

206 Lena Denham and Rosie O'Donnell. Nude having sex.

Posted by: thunderb at April 13, 2014 04:20 PM (zOTsN)

207 The last thing I remember seeing is my family being slaughtered. I got corneal transplants last week.

Posted by: Lauren at April 13, 2014 04:21 PM (hFL/3)

208 208 Lena Denham and Rosie O'Donnell. Nude having sex ON TOP OF ME.

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at April 13, 2014 04:22 PM (vHRtU)

209 The Brewers are still on top of the NCL division in early Sept. Then Ryan Braun's pee test results come back.

Posted by: Donna & V. at April 13, 2014 04:22 PM (2w+1/)

210 I called the police when I saw armed men jump my fence and kill my dog for no reason. The dispatcher said "You're under arrest".

Posted by: Mr. Feverhead at April 13, 2014 04:23 PM (6ahup)

211 I ran towards my bicycle and jumped. In midair I realized much to late I had removed the seat and not replaced it.

Posted by: Tilikum the Killer Assault Whale at April 13, 2014 04:23 PM (VqV1Z)

212 The Others is a good movie but on the other hand it is one of those Movies With A Twist.

--

Likewise, the 1972 movie, The Other, is another twisty, creepy flick. It comes on TCM every so often. Worth the watch if you like that sort of thing.

Posted by: Lady in Black at April 13, 2014 04:23 PM (tsGZY)

213 As I entered Chelsea's apartment after a raucous night of drinking, I confessed that I hadn't been with a woman in several months. "That's okay, I'm still a few surgeries from being one," she replied.

Posted by: Boone at April 13, 2014 04:23 PM (tIyK2)

214 I dropped my iPhone off the side of the bed. When I went to reach for it, I heard it being turned off.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at April 13, 2014 04:24 PM (IXrOn)

215 I am a mentally disabled student who filmed my classmates hurling horrible insults in my direction. I am charged with wiretapping and disturbing the peace.

Posted by: Lauren at April 13, 2014 04:24 PM (hFL/3)

216 It was the first time I had a nap that long since my toddler turned two. My heart sank as I realized the sharpies I'd left on the table were gone.

Posted by: Burn the Witch at April 13, 2014 04:24 PM (bf+1U)

217 Posted by: Donna & V. at April 13, 2014 08:22 PM (2w+1/) You guys are having quite a run there!

Posted by: grammie winger at April 13, 2014 04:24 PM (oMKp3)

218 I'd never been to prison before, so when I got the same cell as Aaron Hernandez I thought I'd lucked out. But then Jared Remy moved in.

Posted by: Lincolntf at April 13, 2014 04:25 PM (ZshNr)

219 I woke up dead. Jar Jar Binks was ass raping my cold corpse.

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at April 13, 2014 04:26 PM (vHRtU)

220 Moochelle made me lunch. I feel Ethiopian.

Posted by: Beer Ninja at April 13, 2014 04:26 PM (Sl4c6)

221 The burning hobo gave the shed a cheery warmth, transporting me back my childhood and a neighbor's quinceanera where the driveway had been neatly lined with festive burning luminarias. Except to the best of my remembrance, the luminarias didn't scream and try to get up.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at April 13, 2014 04:27 PM (jsn41)

222 Private gun ownership is made illegal. President Clinton announces that she will remain in office for a third term.

Posted by: Lauren at April 13, 2014 04:27 PM (hFL/3)

223 Say, if this is a horror movie / book thread (and why shouldn't it be) - Anyone seen "Oculus" yet? It's running a 71% at RT currently. But I trust morons more than critics. And by that I mean, literal morons. But you guys too.

Posted by: boulder t'hobo at April 13, 2014 04:27 PM (30eLQ)

224 I thought those kittehs loved me. Then I ran out of kibble.

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 04:28 PM (8lmkt)

225 President Hillary Clinton had to select a Supreme Court Justice to replace Clarence Thomas. She chose Eric Holder!

Posted by: Hrothgar at April 13, 2014 04:28 PM (o3MSL)

226 I watched the great white shark from the safety of the boat; then I felt the fisherman pull the hook out of my mouth.

Posted by: Boone at April 13, 2014 04:28 PM (tIyK2)

227 Judge, how can I be convicted of killing a lifelong Democrat? His brain was already dead.

Posted by: Mr. Feverhead at April 13, 2014 04:29 PM (6ahup)

228 Moochelle is using my entire body as a dildo. She drives me head first up her canal of death, until my face is buried in the green pus leaking from her cancerous and worm ridden Cervix of Hell.

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at April 13, 2014 04:29 PM (vHRtU)

229 As I entered Chelsea's apartment after a raucous night of drinking at the Songkran Festival, I confessed that I hadn't been with a woman in several months. "That's okay, I'm still a few surgeries from being one," she replied. Fixed for the HQ

Posted by: boulder t'hobo at April 13, 2014 04:29 PM (30eLQ)

230 Grammie winger, sorry to see the Cubs win today. I always root for them when they play the red birds - who will be visiting us tomorrow (gulp) Don't know how long it will last, but it's fun right now.

Posted by: Donna & V. at April 13, 2014 04:30 PM (2w+1/)

231 My mom called. my idiot sister her loser limey husband and stupid kid are in nyc and need a place to stay.

Posted by: yankeefifth at April 13, 2014 04:30 PM (rDidD)

232 I awoke from my decade long coma to find an anti-American commie had become president and was destroying my beloved country. I cannot return to my coma.

Posted by: Tilikum the Killer Assault Whale at April 13, 2014 04:30 PM (VqV1Z)

233 Posted by: yankeefifth at April 13, 2014 08:30 PM (rDidD) Now that's a horror story!

Posted by: Hrothgar at April 13, 2014 04:31 PM (o3MSL)

234 Update on today's shooting: Apparently the shooter asked people if they were Jewish before shooting them. The killed included a 14 year old and his grandfather, and another elderly woman.

Posted by: Lauren at April 13, 2014 04:33 PM (hFL/3)

235 The food was cooked well, but the meat was kind of gamy. "Old family recipe," replied President Obama.

Posted by: Boone at April 13, 2014 04:33 PM (tIyK2)

236 A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Obi-Wan accepted his first Padawan. "Meesa so happy-happy yousa be mentor-mine for next ten years!"

Posted by: boulder t'hobo at April 13, 2014 04:33 PM (30eLQ)

237 My mom called. my idiot sister her loser limey husband and stupid kid are in nyc and need a place to stay.

Posted by: yankeefifth at April 13, 2014 08:30 PM (rDidD)

Haha! Did you have a list of hotel phone numbers handy?

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 04:33 PM (8lmkt)

238 I just watched a commercial for Big Ass Spider on SyFy. I thought it was an Orkin commercial at first. That's not really a horror story, but some folks might want to avoid watching that channel for a while.

Posted by: no good deed at April 13, 2014 04:35 PM (ILBCY)

239 Oops I meant sorry to see the cubs lose today. just got tickets for a cubs-brewers game at Wrigley in May. I'll want the Cubs to lose that game

Posted by: Donna & V. at April 13, 2014 04:37 PM (2w+1/)

240

Lena Dunham's on my TV. It's a wide screen TV.

Posted by: otho at April 13, 2014 04:38 PM (9gNQd)

241 213 I ran towards my bicycle and jumped. In midair I realized much to late I had removed the seat and not replaced it. Posted by: Tilikum the Killer Assault Whale at April 13, 2014 08:23 PM (VqV1Z) This shoulda come with a Jharles Cohnson sock.

Posted by: Dack Thrombosis at April 13, 2014 04:40 PM (oFCZn)

242 They can download data from deep space. But they can't do it from a black box on a lost airplane.

Posted by: Peaches at April 13, 2014 04:40 PM (8lmkt)

243 This shoulda come with a Jharles Cohnson sock. That's for the "dear hustler" open-thread

Posted by: boulder t'hobo at April 13, 2014 04:41 PM (30eLQ)

244 Sec. of State announced he had successfully convinced Iran to destroy its recently acquired nuclear bombs. Five minutes later Israel was wiped off the map.

Posted by: Lizzy at April 13, 2014 04:41 PM (gzJJ2)

245 I'm running in 2016. You're welcome.

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 13, 2014 04:44 PM (PaTRG)

246 space thread up

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at April 13, 2014 04:47 PM (DmNpO)

247 Obama challenges Putin to a chess match, with Alaska as the prize. Obama plays chess as well as he shoots hoops and throws baseball.

Posted by: Sarah Palin front porch is in Russia at April 13, 2014 04:47 PM (2w+1/)

248 Fucking snow. Very confused and pissed off Robins.

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at April 13, 2014 04:47 PM (vHRtU)

249 Jo Jo Biden eats out Moochelle on PBS. His 3d vomit spews on your screen.

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at April 13, 2014 04:48 PM (vHRtU)

250 32 Duke Lowell at April 13, 2014 07:20 PM (snFeN) Now that is scary. Creeping me right out.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at April 13, 2014 04:48 PM (u82oZ)

251 Bert and Ernie gobble up Jo Jo Bidens green pus maggot infested cervical spew from eating out Moochelle. Then she squirts another load into your 3d TV.

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at April 13, 2014 04:50 PM (vHRtU)

252 Barrack Obama in 2016? Oh yes we can!

Posted by: Mike at April 13, 2014 04:52 PM (Rk8LS)

253 "When I woke up the next morning, I found out Obama had been re-elected."

Posted by: Null at April 13, 2014 04:53 PM (xjpRj)

254 When I awoke from the general anesthesia, I discovered Obama's Surgeon General had attached a lab-grown vagina to my left palm.

The hymen wasn't intact.

Posted by: Fritz at April 13, 2014 04:53 PM (oJUxt)

255 The NPS and BLM share your corpse, skull fucking your left and right eye socket respectively. While singing the Smoky Bear song.

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at April 13, 2014 04:54 PM (vHRtU)

256 You awake tonsils deep in Hillary's snatch. Then she moves forward leaving you tonsils deep up her asshole, after she has eaten corn and tomatillos.

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at April 13, 2014 04:59 PM (vHRtU)

257 You are the newly promoted Secret Service agent. It's the night shift and Hillary is giving you The Look...

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at April 13, 2014 05:02 PM (vHRtU)

258 I was awakened by a long, rough tongue licking my face. Then I remembered I live alone and don't own any pets.

Posted by: Insomniac at April 13, 2014 05:03 PM (mx5oN)

259 - I awoke to find people used only haiku fuck fuck fucking fuck. -

Posted by: BumperStickerist at April 13, 2014 05:07 PM (4CVLy)

260 - "Nine billion commenter identies are in our database, sir" reported the NSA's third shift duty officer. "Is that why the stars are winking out" -

Posted by: BumperStickerist at April 13, 2014 05:14 PM (4CVLy)

261 263 BumperStickerist at April 13, 2014 09:14 PM (4CVLy) Great homage to Arthur C. Clarke. OBSF THe Nine Billion Names of God.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at April 13, 2014 05:21 PM (u82oZ)

262 Helen Thomas's smoldering dark eyes fell upon his strapping young body. To his horror, her mood and arousal sensing clothing was becoming transparent.

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars™ [/i] [/s] [/u] at April 13, 2014 05:23 PM (HsTG8)

263 My SO came in the door. She has a 50 Shades of Grey book, a large bag with a whip handle peeking out, and a maniacal look.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at April 13, 2014 05:25 PM (u82oZ)

264 My mom called. my idiot sister her loser limey husband and stupid kid are in nyc and need a place to stay. Posted by: yankeefifth at April 13, 2014 08:30 PM (rDidD) Haha! Did you have a list of hotel phone numbers handy? Posted by: Peaches it is not an option. it is let them stay or catch hell from mom.

Posted by: yankeefifth at April 13, 2014 05:25 PM (rDidD)

265 265 Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling StarsÂ™ at April 13, 2014 09:23 PM Nooooooo!

Posted by: NaCly Dog at April 13, 2014 05:26 PM (u82oZ)

266 Will re-post from the Book thread my contribution.

Ronan Farrow awoke with the sunlight streaming through the window of his rent controlled apartment in New York City, he rolled over and felt his arm fall upon another slumbering body in his bed. They say his blood curdling screams could be heard all the way down in the Battery when he spied Roseanne Barr next to him.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at April 13, 2014 05:32 PM (/8So2)

267 I'll repeat the one I did earlier on a dying thread: I dreamed I painted the town red in a Maidenform bra. I probably should have taken her breasts out of it first.

Posted by: jwpaine @PirateBallerina at April 13, 2014 06:12 PM (2oU2+)

268 I woke up at 10am feeling great Saturday morning, ready to have my cup of coffee and hit the ground running. The room spins and suddenly I'm back in bed, realizing it's actually Monday, it's 5am, and there's no coffee.

Posted by: FGCU_James at April 13, 2014 06:23 PM (if2JC)

269 Fredric Brown had a great one: The last man on earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock at the door... Brown ended up writing a longer story with this as its closing line in order to make it not scary at all. It's called "Knock". Very good.

Posted by: Jim S. at April 13, 2014 07:00 PM (mjUvK)

270

Yada, yada, yada.

Then I realized that I was dead.

Posted by: cortezoid at April 13, 2014 07:58 PM (yZNE5)

271 Arthur awoke with his bladder full and aching to be emptied. He almost did so, but decided to wait until he got to work so at least something interesting would happen there today.

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars™ [/i] [/s] [/u] at April 13, 2014 09:17 PM (HsTG8)

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