Ace of Spades HQ

June 09, 2011

Important Computer Spyware News
— LauraW

This thread is for ladies only. Men, scroll down to the next thread, thanks.

Okay girls, now that we're alone, there is something, like, Super Important we all should know about our laptop computers.

First; modern laptops have little cameras in them.

Second; if your laptop computer tells you to bring it someplace warm and steamy, or if it tells you to arch your back and lather more vigorously in the shower, OMG TOTALLY DON'T.

The software sent fake error messages telling users to Â“fix their internal sensor soon,Â” and Â“try putting your laptop near hot steam for several minutes to clean the sensor,Â” Goodrich said.
The error message prompted some victims to take their laptops into the bathroom with them when they showered, he said.
Â“Once he had access, he would take photographs of the users, usually women,Â” Goodrich said. Â“Often, the female victims were undressed or changing clothes. Harwell then stored the photos on a remote server, and eventually downloaded them on his own computer.Â”

Honestly. Honestly, ladies! It's hard to believe some of you were gulled into this one.

A computer does not have sensors that require a change of ambience. Occasionally there will be emergency or error messages, but generally the only ones you should respond to have to do with security.

For example, in order to login every day, my laptop requires I prove my identity by performing the standard nipple scan. The guys at the computer store said it was the best and safest secure login technique, and I believe them. That stupid scan lasts MINUTES.

The jumping-jacks and pinching seem excessive, but security is very important to me. If I lost my cache of cute cat pictures I WOULD DIE.

Stay safe, girls.

Much thanks for this great computer safety tip from Skinbad, AOSHQ's longtime Utah Stringer.

Posted by: LauraW at 04:11 PM | Comments (234)
Post contains 312 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Real Men of Genius!

Posted by: garrett at June 09, 2011 04:16 PM (QcjoT)

2 It's hard out there for a perv.

Posted by: fluffy at June 09, 2011 04:16 PM (SwkdU)

3 Don't forget to back up your Hump at least once a month, LauraW.

Posted by: garrett at June 09, 2011 04:17 PM (QcjoT)

4 I doubt any webcam could see past LauraW's hump. But why would anyone want to?

Posted by: George Orwell at June 09, 2011 04:17 PM (AZGON)

5 Wow, that's hot!

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at June 09, 2011 04:18 PM (zgZzy)

6 OMG! Those bastards! Does this mean there's no such thing as using a vibrator to calibrate the hard drive?

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 04:18 PM (cBScC)

7 Everyone knows that iPads charge faster when they're put on the floor between your legs.

Posted by: JEM at June 09, 2011 04:18 PM (o+SC1)

8 I paid extra for a special biometric login scanner for my Dell. It's extra large; it has to be. Does that make you hot?

Posted by: Anthony Weiner at June 09, 2011 04:19 PM (AZGON)

9 My bad. Sorry. It was a prank.

Posted by: ace at June 09, 2011 04:19 PM (nj1bB)

10 Pffft. Steam.

I have no less than five Nigerian princes sending me money.

And screw you, Laura.

HUMPBACK SEXIST!!!

Posted by: Circa (Insert Year Here) at June 09, 2011 04:19 PM (7utQ2)

11 Shut the frak up, Laura! You're ruining my only chance to see naked women!

Posted by: Bill Gates at June 09, 2011 04:19 PM (zgZzy)

12 I carried on these frivolities among friends about six times in three years.

Posted by: ace at June 09, 2011 04:20 PM (nj1bB)

13 recommend moisturizing to avoid virus threats

Posted by: 414 Internal Error at June 09, 2011 04:21 PM (QcjoT)

Sorry. It was a prank.

Ace, Podhoertz is coming up next on Hewitt's show. In case you want to call in and mock him.

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at June 09, 2011 04:21 PM (zgZzy)

15 Tony says his BlackBerry gets much better reception in his pocket than in his hand. We think he's pulling something. And we don't get why he needs a flash on his camera to make a phone call.

Posted by: Anthony Weiner's IT Department at June 09, 2011 04:21 PM (AZGON)

16 In the event of a sensor error this mouse doubles as an IUD.

Posted by: Lemmenkainen at June 09, 2011 04:21 PM (Iw4dM)

17 Best way to get rid of a computer virus? Valtrex.

Posted by: Ad-Aware at June 09, 2011 04:21 PM (zgZzy)

18 At least you weren't married while you were doing this, right Ace? And I mean, even if you had been married, it would have been your wife's fault.

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 04:22 PM (cBScC)

19 YOGA SCAN

Posted by: Mac Error Code in '2 x 4' at June 09, 2011 04:23 PM (QcjoT)

20 Ace, Podhoertz is coming up next on Hewitt's show. In case you want to call in and mock him. Meh. He was so wildly wrong about so many things, including his 2008 book "Hillary: Can She Be Stopped?" I think I'll skip the segment.

Posted by: George Orwell at June 09, 2011 04:23 PM (AZGON)

And I mean, even if you had been married, it would have been your wife's fault.

Hey, I shaved his back and the hair clogged the disk drive. Blame him, not me!

Posted by: Ace's Future Wife at June 09, 2011 04:23 PM (zgZzy)

22 so that billboard i saw advertising free remote obgyn scans using skype was likely wrong?

Posted by: dudeinsantacruz at June 09, 2011 04:24 PM (mwn2O)

23 Oh NOW you tell me.

Posted by: Anthony Weiner at June 09, 2011 04:24 PM (Fw2Gg)

24 Please Insert External Drive

Posted by: Error Code: 1404 at June 09, 2011 04:24 PM (QcjoT)

since we're on moron tech support, I caught the Windows Recovery Virus, a moron got me out of it but the malwarebytes thing hid a bunch of the wife's pictures. she's savvy enough to understand how prawns give you a virus

little help?

Posted by: USS Diversity at June 09, 2011 04:24 PM (RPYjQ)

26 And I mean, even if you had been married, it would have been your wife's fault.

For not putting out. Except for Mr. Turkey Baster.

Posted by: HeatherRadish at June 09, 2011 04:25 PM (0vDuM)

27 Please do not insert yourself into the USB port, Mr. Clinton.

Posted by: Indian Help Desk at June 09, 2011 04:25 PM (zgZzy)

28 This Mac comes equipped with hemorrhoid diagnosis software. Aim screen at chocolate starfish and press any key.

Posted by: Lemmenkainen at June 09, 2011 04:25 PM (Iw4dM)

29 6 OMG! Those bastards! Does this mean there's no such thing as using a vibrator to calibrate the hard drive?

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 08:18 PM (cBScC)

No that's true. Please send me the link to view your webcam so I can make sure you're calibrating properly.

Posted by: buzzion at June 09, 2011 04:25 PM (oVQFe)

30 Harwell then stored the photos on a remote server, and eventually downloaded them on his own computer.Â” Maybe he was in training to run for the NY-9 seat.

Posted by: George Orwell at June 09, 2011 04:25 PM (AZGON)

I didn't fall for this, honest I didn't.

Posted by: ExExZonie at June 09, 2011 04:26 PM (DRR4t)

32 To this day the most prevalent computer error out there is code "I D 10 T"

Posted by: George Orwell at June 09, 2011 04:27 PM (AZGON)

33 And all this time, I tried to get off by putting the fan near my dingus.

Posted by: Newt Gingrich at June 09, 2011 04:27 PM (zgZzy)

34 I think it moved.

Posted by: Circa (Insert Year Here) at June 09, 2011 04:27 PM (7utQ2)

35 Turn Around before you Backup your System

Posted by: Error Code: 406 at June 09, 2011 04:28 PM (QcjoT)

36 "mount the volume" is not a phrase from the Kama Sutra, ladies

Posted by: George Orwell at June 09, 2011 04:30 PM (AZGON)

37 Tap it now! Wait...

Posted by: Al at June 09, 2011 04:30 PM (MzQOZ)

38 Ace is just beng naughty girls. I take my maxipad into the shower all the time. Ward says it's good for the Beaver.

Posted by: June Cleaver at June 09, 2011 04:30 PM (XtpDT)

Hi Ace,

I read your blog all the time and its hilarious as well as informative. This is my first post here. I am a male, and was recently contacted by the "evil yellow horde": from my Inet provider in China.

I have to go there to work because since the Obumbler election its impossible to find work in the US.

They (China) made me download a wide screen viewer to "View my junk" as most Chinese "junk" could fit on the peep hole view screen.

Why do the Chinese have to view my junk? Does this have something to do with the Wiener scandal?

Please advise Ace!

Posted by: Lenny at June 09, 2011 04:31 PM (wkj1T)

40 OMG

I won't even tell you what I had to do to clear my cache.

Posted by: mpurinTexas supports Rick Perry, bitch at June 09, 2011 04:31 PM (J4Pnx)

They thought of me when they put in the Pig Down (PgDn) key.

Posted by: Rosie O at June 09, 2011 04:31 PM (zgZzy)

42 "so that billboard i saw advertising free remote obgyn scans using skype was likely wrong?" Try Pep Boys. The doctors there are really gentle.

Posted by: Joanie (Oven Gloves) at June 09, 2011 04:31 PM (y/+eD)

43 Giant, nuclear, killer ants on TCM. It's THEM! And at 9:45, "Cosmic Monsters".

Posted by: nerdygirl at June 09, 2011 04:31 PM (XmqZJ)

44 Uh, yeah, when the little light is on next to your webcam, that means it's in standby. Yeah, standby. Don't worry about it.

Posted by: Flashy Tony's Tech Support at June 09, 2011 04:32 PM (AZGON)

45 33 To this day the most prevalent computer error out there is code "I D 10 T"

Posted by: George Orwell at June 09, 2011 08:27 PM (AZGON)

We used to refer to it as "BCK": Between Chair and Keyboard.

Posted by: Meiczyslaw at June 09, 2011 04:33 PM (bjRNS)

46 Astroglide works wonders for BSOD's.

Posted by: EC at June 09, 2011 04:33 PM (f4TZ2)

Try Pep Boys. The doctors there are really gentle.

Just lie there while we raise you on the rack. We need to check your undercarriage.

Posted by: Manny, Moe, and Jack at June 09, 2011 04:33 PM (zgZzy)

48 Wait so the USB cable _doesn't_ go there?

Posted by: Richard Gere at June 09, 2011 04:35 PM (LeKZF)

49
O/T

Wait a minute. I've been out all day babysitting, hoping to come home to the news that Weiner was gone. wtf?

Posted by: arhooley at June 09, 2011 04:36 PM (cWXTm)

50 Pictures or it didn't happen!

P.S.
I've been gone months.
Anybody miss me?

Posted by: Nom de Blog at June 09, 2011 04:37 PM (0LABp)

51 Wait so the USB cable _doesn't_ go there?

No, neither does the gerbil.

Posted by: Manny, Moe, and Jack at June 09, 2011 04:37 PM (zgZzy)

52 If you encounter further problems, visit our computer/OBY/GYN clinic at Daves U-Stor-It, unit 69.

Posted by: Tony W. at June 09, 2011 04:38 PM (osUof)

53 seconded Nom. and welcome back

Posted by: todler at June 09, 2011 04:38 PM (OluE0)

54 Pictures or it didn't happen!

P.S.
I've been gone months.
Anybody miss me?

Nom!

Now that you mention it, you have been gone awhile.

What's shaking?

Posted by: mpurinTexas supports Rick Perry, bitch at June 09, 2011 04:38 PM (J4Pnx)

55 Apropos of nothing, could we lose the pictures of the Joaquin Phoenix Fan Club that have been popping up in the ads lately?

Posted by: Fa Cube Itches at June 09, 2011 04:39 PM (xy9wk)

56 58 Apropos of nothing, could we lose the pictures of the Joaquin Phoenix Fan Club that have been popping up in the ads lately? AM I NOT MERCIFUL?!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Manny, Moe, and Jack at June 09, 2011 04:39 PM (zgZzy)

57 So you say you want to mount your external hard drive? Okay! This might call for a house call

Posted by: naughty tech support dude at June 09, 2011 04:41 PM (LeKZF)

58 Two words, Joystick. Hello ... Look at this thing. Hiding in plain site. http://tinyurl.com/67wdj2f

Posted by: JackStraw at June 09, 2011 04:41 PM (TMB3S)

59 _{Apropos of nothing, could we lose the pictures of the Joaquin Phoenix Fan Club that have been popping up in the ads lately?}

Those ads are generated based on info in your cookies.

What have you been spanking it to?

Posted by: fluffy at June 09, 2011 04:41 PM (SwkdU)

60 Nipple scan pictures contain a computer virus which will hack into your online credit card and bank accounts and bankrupt you. The virus can only be quarantined by sending your entire MyPictures folder to AverageJoeHQ -at - gmail.com. Cat pictures will be returned.

Posted by: Average Joe at June 09, 2011 04:41 PM (Z+JNA)

To correct this current computer problem and prevent the destruction of this laptop, you will need to do the following.

1. Take a joystick.

Posted by: Coleco Adam at June 09, 2011 04:42 PM (GKQDR)

62 Free body mass index check. Turn on computer, open flat, undress, straddle and stand still for 5 minutes.

Posted by: BMI free check by VI Rus at June 09, 2011 04:43 PM (ldUCK)

63 46 Giant, nuclear, killer ants on TCM. It's THEM! ... Posted by: nerdygirl Screech, screech, screech.

Posted by: US at June 09, 2011 04:44 PM (seMjh)

64 Real Womyn 2.0 Men of Genius!

New and Improved

Posted by: John P. Squibob at June 09, 2011 04:44 PM (/U/Mr)

65 This all started when they did away with the flopppy disk.

Posted by: mghorning at June 09, 2011 04:45 PM (Q+eIF)

66 If your operating system has been naughty then it deserves to be punished. You'll need a whip and leather dominatrix outfit ...

Posted by: naughty tech support dude at June 09, 2011 04:46 PM (LeKZF)

For example, in order to login every day, my laptop requires I prove my identity by performing the standard nipple scan.

Humps have nipples?

Ah, I have to pity people who find this blog in the future and ask a simple question about how to post a link or something. They may never learn why 3 people respond with "First, steam clean your sensor."

Posted by: Mama AJ at June 09, 2011 04:47 PM (XdlcF)

68 LOL! Log in nipple-scan ID.

I thought that was a special program I got, not something available to everyone.

Posted by: Synova at June 09, 2011 04:48 PM (P0X9Q)

69 This all started when they did away with the flopppy disk.

Not a problem for me, IYKWIMAITTYD

Posted by: Anothy Weiner, detachable congressman at June 09, 2011 04:48 PM (SwkdU)

Cat pictures will be returned.

Whew! For a minute there, that sounded creepy.

Posted by: Mama AJ at June 09, 2011 04:50 PM (XdlcF)

71 That Gerbil thing never happened. The mouse on the other hand....

Posted by: Richard Gere at June 09, 2011 04:50 PM (Q+eIF)

72 What the heck? Women actually fell for that? And took their computers into the bathroom? They didn't steam it in the kitchen?

And didn't anyone ever tell them that moisture is not good for electronics?

Arg. This is why my webcam is ALWAYS unplugged. And I always check the light on my laptop when I use it.

Creeeepy.

Posted by: soulpile is... expendable at June 09, 2011 04:51 PM (afWhQ)

73 Wow. Young, but still mumbling James Arness on THEM!

Posted by: Circa (Insert Year Here) at June 09, 2011 04:51 PM (7utQ2)

74 "Free body mass index check. Turn on computer, open flat, undress, straddle and stand still for 5 minutes." Okay, but what does yelling "hard drive! hard drive!" repeatedly have to do with it?

Posted by: Joanie (Oven Gloves) at June 09, 2011 04:52 PM (y/+eD)

75 ps - if you don't use your webcam put a piece of tape over it. just in case of stupidity attacks.

Posted by: Guy Fawkes at June 09, 2011 04:53 PM (ldUCK)

76 Yes, yes, *steeples fingers*. Everything is going to plan.

Posted by: Dani's Hard Drive at June 09, 2011 04:55 PM (c0A3e)

Posted by: Rep. Anthony's Weiner at June 09, 2011 08:27 PM (c9Ivb)

Between you and me Tony; if the choice was between you penis and your nose, you made the right decision.

Posted by: mghorning at June 09, 2011 04:56 PM (Q+eIF)

78 OT: How long has Jim Carrey been coaching the Mavericks?

Posted by: Circa (Insert Year Here) at June 09, 2011 04:56 PM (7utQ2)

79 The error message prompted some victims to take their laptops into the bathroom with them when they showered

What a great idea!

Posted by: Meggy Mac at June 09, 2011 04:56 PM (5I0Yr)

80 The guy with the Justin Bieber haircut at the Apple Genius Bar was great to me. He installed all the best software on my new MacBook. I had no idea about all the new advances. Like the new rectal scanning software. Isn't that amazing? Apparently it's much, much more accurate than iris scanning. He said everybody has their own unique swirley-q.

The new automatic taint recognition software is also fairly impressive.

Posted by: Muhammad's Left Nut at June 09, 2011 04:58 PM (QcFbt)

81 Are you embarrassed by the size of your floppy? Call for instant relief

Posted by: naughty tech support dude at June 09, 2011 04:59 PM (LeKZF)

82 Mine has a post-it note over it, has since the day I bought it. For some reason the HP laptops don't have a little door.

Posted by: Milo at June 09, 2011 04:59 PM (DfCT7)

83 i don't know what to say...

Posted by: phoenixgirl at June 09, 2011 05:00 PM (eOXTH)

84 i don't know what to say...

Posted by: phoenixgirl at June 09, 2011 09:00 PM (eOXTH)

That's a sign of malware.

Take off your top.

Posted by: Circa (Insert Year Here) at June 09, 2011 05:02 PM (7utQ2)

85 Talk about MENSA members.I'd like to see the pictures of the dumb broads who fell for this.I mean,I really want to see the pictures.

Posted by: steevy at June 09, 2011 05:02 PM (hnpFc)

86 i don't know what to say...

"I've been very naughty. Spank me hard!"

Posted by: the voice in phoenixgirl's laptop at June 09, 2011 05:03 PM (SwkdU)

87 Omg I am screaming with laughter at the nipple security scan. I startled the creepy middle eastern guy who keeps pacing past my office. OT do you think I should be worried a ME guy keeps pacing by my office?

Posted by: ParanoidYadaYada at June 09, 2011 05:03 PM (LAEjd)

88 Hey, girls weren't the only ones dumb enough to fall for this shit. You know this has to be what happened to teh weiner.

Posted by: Steph at June 09, 2011 05:04 PM (AkdC5)

89 Those SEC guys sure are smart .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 05:05 PM (npr0X)

90 circa ....ok....now what?

Posted by: phoenixgirl at June 09, 2011 05:05 PM (eOXTH)

91 Talk about MENSA members.I'd like to see the pictures of the dumb broads who fell for this.I mean,I really want to see the pictures.

Sure, right after you eat my pussy.

Posted by: Miss Charming from West Virginia at June 09, 2011 05:05 PM (SwkdU)

92 >>i don't know what to say... Hush. Don't say anything. Just move a little to your left.

Posted by: JackStraw at June 09, 2011 05:05 PM (TMB3S)

93 I heard that flashing large breasts at a built in camera will recharge your laptop faster.

Posted by: CAC at June 09, 2011 05:06 PM (M7pkd)

94 The spam is making me hot .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 05:07 PM (npr0X)

95 OT do you think I should be worried a ME guy keeps pacing by my office?

Posted by: ParanoidYadaYada at June 09, 2011 09:03 PM (LAEjd)

Stop being so parano...oh, nevermind.

Posted by: Robert at June 09, 2011 05:07 PM (4q6A5)

96 Jeez. Why is it all the women around me are too smart to fall for this kind of thing?

Posted by: Ace's liver at June 09, 2011 05:07 PM (XIXhw)

97 I'd comment, but I'm too busy trying to hack S.E. Cupp's laptop

Posted by: tangonine at June 09, 2011 05:08 PM (x3YFz)

98 Clearly Mr. Harwell has motherboard issues.

Posted by: Dr. Sigmund Freud, Tech Support at June 09, 2011 05:08 PM (LeKZF)

99 circa

....ok....now what?

Must be a spreading malware because now I got nothin'.

Posted by: Circa (Insert Year Here) at June 09, 2011 05:08 PM (7utQ2)

100 I'd comment, but I'm too busy trying to hack S.E. Cupp's laptop

I'll take euphemisms visible from space for $1,000, Alex.

Posted by: Circa (Insert Year Here) at June 09, 2011 05:09 PM (7utQ2)

101 _{I'd comment, but I'm too busy trying to hack S.E. Cupp's laptop}

Would you mind stopping? It's interfering with my video stream.

Posted by: fluffy at June 09, 2011 05:10 PM (SwkdU)

102 Great. Another IAVA down the pike. Can't wait to see the mitigation plan for this one.

Posted by: Herr Blücher at June 09, 2011 05:11 PM (PaOTm)

103

Just throw the damn Iwhatever or logitech crap out the window and enjoy some privacy.

Posted by: SomeWhereSouthWest at June 09, 2011 05:17 PM (CyPWX)

104 There's a reason they call it a dongle.....

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at June 09, 2011 05:19 PM (nyKxa)

105 It's finally quiet.

Posted by: Henry Bemis at June 09, 2011 05:20 PM (SwkdU)

106 Stupid fuck at NRO takes Ron Paul seriously. Paultards immediately charge in through the open door and behave...exactly as you would expect them to.

Posted by: A Balrog of Morgoth at June 09, 2011 05:21 PM (agD4m)

107 *towels sweat off hunchback*

PHEW!

You would not believe the in depth scan I had to go through to access my computer after making this post. Holy Moly.

I better talk to Ace & Pixy about this site. It must be just all et up with malware.

Posted by: lauraw at June 09, 2011 05:24 PM (DbybK)

108

Harwell, 20, is a former student at the La Mirada Christian college

Religion has some perks I wasn't awae of.

Posted by: Ronster at June 09, 2011 05:28 PM (ZgcMU)

109 110 Stupid fuck at NRO takes Ron Paul seriously. Paultards immediately charge in through the open door and behave...exactly as you would expect them to.

Posted by: A Balrog of Morgoth at June 09, 2011 09:21 PM (agD4m)

I think we could use another post here about him so we can mock him and see what sort of creatures we can flush out of the underbrush with it. Maybe after the debate next week.

Posted by: buzzion at June 09, 2011 05:30 PM (oVQFe)

110

Hurry the hell up with my bailout Obama!!!

I'll be 50 in 2 weeks and I want my pension checks to arrive precisely on time so I can enjoy my retirement!!!!!

Posted by: Zorba teh Greek at June 09, 2011 05:31 PM (Lq/Q9)

111 Oh you are a rotter. But I like you.

Posted by: Fortunata at June 09, 2011 05:32 PM (90H1N)

112 Anybody miss me?

Posted by: Nom de Blog at June 09, 2011 08:37 PM (0LABp)

apparently with every shot so far.

Posted by: Unclefacts Luxury-Yacht at June 09, 2011 05:33 PM (6IReR)

113 Mac users. 'nuff said.

Posted by: Megan at June 09, 2011 05:35 PM (BNv9H)

114 117 Lemmings Mac users. 'nuff said.

Posted by: Megan at June 09, 2011 09:35 PM (BNv9H)

FIFY (yes, I went there)

Posted by: Unclefacts Luxury-Yacht at June 09, 2011 05:36 PM (6IReR)

115 I think we could use another post here about him so we can mock him and see what sort of creatures we can flush out of the underbrush with it.

Are you volunteering to get the stains out of the carpet?

Posted by: Henry Bemis has his eye on you at June 09, 2011 05:36 PM (SwkdU)

116 Nom de Blog?

Posted by: charlie gibson at June 09, 2011 05:37 PM (GTbGH)

117 I better talk to Ace & Pixy about this site. It must be just all et up with malware. Can I recommend a good baby oil based product to clear that up ?

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 05:39 PM (npr0X)

118 I've come to fix your bits.

Posted by: porn 'stache at June 09, 2011 05:39 PM (GTbGH)

119 Laura, you do know that wetting the area speeds up the nipple scan, yes?

Posted by: pervyGUY at June 09, 2011 05:51 PM (ZYKiK)

120 Where the Morons at?

Posted by: Sherriff Cleavon Little at June 09, 2011 05:52 PM (SwkdU)

121 ^ I think pixy is constipated .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 05:56 PM (npr0X)

122 WARNING: Your Computer May Have a Virus! First, take your computer into the bedroom. Turn down the lights. Good. Let your hair down. Have some champagne. Now start unzipping your dress. No, no. Turn around. Do it sexy. Do it... very slowly. Good. Now slip your dress down. Slowly. Good. Slide your nylons off one by one. Now dance for me. No, no, no. Dance sexy. Let your hands be your lover's hands on your own skin as you move. Now lie on the bed and close your eyes. Arch your back some. Yes. Touch yourself. Oh, yes. Yes, yes. Almost fixed. D-oh! Oops. Okay. It's fixed. It's fixed now. Be sure to erase your temporary files cache and defragment your disk drive.

Posted by: Your Computer at June 09, 2011 05:58 PM (Om8Tn)

123 Just imagine what the de-bugger process entails .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 06:00 PM (npr0X)

124 Bwaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha great post LauraW lmao

Posted by: DaMav at June 09, 2011 06:02 PM (QNU76)

125 That guy had to be the smartest computer tech in his class.

Posted by: rdbrewer at June 09, 2011 06:02 PM (Om8Tn)

126 > 90 do you think I should be worried a ME guy keeps pacing by my office?

Hey: Just because you're Paranoid, it doesn't mean they aren't out to get you...

Posted by: StonerParanoidRemembers at June 09, 2011 06:03 PM (vXagV)

127

Click here.

And also, please tell your anti-virus program you trust Dave in Texas.

kthnx!

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 06:03 PM (Wh0W+)

128 This puts a whole new meaning to mounting my virtual drive. Boy howdy I have been doing this all wrong.

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 06:03 PM (1lqnR)

129 This could be a good Friday contest thread.

Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It

10.) It keeps telling me to stick a little piece of duct-tape over the camera lens
-A. Weiner

Posted by: lauraw at June 09, 2011 06:04 PM (DbybK)

130 Do we have to wait till Friday to do this?

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 06:07 PM (1lqnR)

131 Nope. Get crackalackin' if you like. I'll post the good ones on tomorrow's doodad to get it started.

Posted by: lauraw at June 09, 2011 06:10 PM (DbybK)

132 Incidentally, that vibrator one of yours PJ was frickin' hilarious.

Posted by: lauraw at June 09, 2011 06:10 PM (DbybK)

133 YAY! Stress relief is good.

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 06:12 PM (1lqnR)

134 Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It

10) It keeps telling me to move the cigar around faster and faster - Bill Clinton

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 06:18 PM (nWikJ)

135 So, I haven't had to type with one hand to mack this laptop work? Fuck! I have sore fingers/wrists/pleasure cave for weeks.

Plus, all the outdoor furniture is slimy now.

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 06:20 PM (nWikJ)

136 Your gardening program tells you that "the azalea near the bay window needs a scotch on the rocks and one of those Snackables from the middle shelf of the fridge" to thrive.

Posted by: lauraw at June 09, 2011 06:23 PM (DbybK)

137

>> Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It

The built-in laptop camera is winking at me.

I know it.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 06:23 PM (Wh0W+)

138 Plus, all the outdoor furniture is slimy now. TMI alert .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 06:23 PM (npr0X)

139 My computer gave ME herpes.

Posted by: mare at June 09, 2011 06:24 PM (A98Xu)

140 ONT

Posted by: guy who wants the ont at June 09, 2011 06:25 PM (uwljR)

141 Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It.

Dave in Texas borrowed my laptop last week.

wha?

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 06:25 PM (1lqnR)

142 You tweeted "It's raining like hell here today" and it came out "DM COCK SEE MYCOCK?"

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 06:26 PM (Wh0W+)

143 Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It When I log in , it tells me to lick it or it will cut me .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 06:27 PM (npr0X)

144 Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It

Every time I get undressed it starts playing Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin On

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 06:29 PM (1lqnR)

145 Your pop up window doesn't beep, it starts playin Marvin Gaye.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 06:31 PM (Wh0W+)

146 Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It

When you try to boot up in "Safe Mode" it asks if you want ribbed, or lambskin.

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 06:31 PM (1lqnR)

147 Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It

After about thirty seconds of typing naked and sucking on a sucker, a message pops up and asks 'Was that good for you?'

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 06:31 PM (nWikJ)

148 Oh I'm dying. This is going to be epic.

Posted by: lauraw at June 09, 2011 06:33 PM (DbybK)

149 Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It

You go visit the Capital and all the Dem Congressmen know your name and ask who did your 'Eat at the Y' tattoo.

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 06:34 PM (nWikJ)

150 Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It

It asked me if I would accept a 3 1/2 in. floppy.

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 06:34 PM (1lqnR)

151 #3 When you log off the screensaver is smoking a cigarette.

Posted by: Hugh G. Rection at June 09, 2011 06:35 PM (+mhhR)

152 When you log off the screensaver is smoking a cigarette.

HAHAHAHA!

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 06:36 PM (1lqnR)

153 Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It

A message pops up telling you to put the kids to bed - they're ruining the mood.

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 06:36 PM (nWikJ)

154

"Safe-mode" has a condom icon.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 06:37 PM (Wh0W+)

155 Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It When I'm scratching my junk ( yeah like none of you morons ever has ) , there's a popup for viagra .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 06:37 PM (npr0X)

156 When I'm scratching my junk ( yeah like none of you morons ever has ) , there's a popup for viagra .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 10:37 PM (npr0X)

Or extendz

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 06:38 PM (nWikJ)

157 Your mom calls at a quarter of midnight and asks "are you in some kind of trouble?"

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 06:40 PM (Wh0W+)

158 Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It

After a night of butt love, you start getting ads for hemorrhoid cream .... and adult diapers.

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 06:40 PM (nWikJ)

159 When I log in to on line banking , I get redirected to online spanking .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 06:41 PM (npr0X)

160 Weiner shows up at your door wearing nothing but a cock ring.

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 06:43 PM (nWikJ)

161 Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It

When your cathode ray tube insists it needs to be inserted.

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 06:43 PM (1lqnR)

162 You google-image "Dirk Nowitski" and adjust safe-search after catching your breath.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 06:44 PM (Wh0W+)

163 When I click on Amazon.com it isn't a shopping site .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 06:44 PM (npr0X)

164 You notice that all the nerdy boys in school have a pic of your titties hanging up in their lockers.

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 06:45 PM (nWikJ)

165 Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It: Instead of hearing the M$Windows music at start up, you hear Ron Jeremy asking you to move a little to the left.

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 06:45 PM (18WU4)

166 When I boot up , the search engine appears as GOBBLE .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 06:46 PM (npr0X)

167 When a message pops up swearing to you that 'it's on the pill'.

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 06:47 PM (nWikJ)

168 When you try to open a .pdf, a window opens to tell you that Adobe will not honor your request until you send a pair of your previously worn underwear to an address in Hong Kong.

When you try to close that window, 15 other little popup windows flood up your screen with the "Are you sure?" message and a picture of Hello Kitty shedding tears.

Posted by: lauraw at June 09, 2011 06:48 PM (DbybK)

169 You mouse-over the Eject DVD icon and it says "now.. oh God, now"

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 06:48 PM (Wh0W+)

170 When you go to WebMD, every 'cure' is petercillin.

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 06:48 PM (nWikJ)

171 When your new mail indicator sounds out "You've got fan mail."

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 06:48 PM (18WU4)

172 YAY CYN!

*claps excitedly
*rocks back and forth
*says SCHNORFFLE

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 06:49 PM (1lqnR)

173 >>picture of Hello Kitty shedding tears<< ROR!

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 06:49 PM (18WU4)

174 When you try to close that window, 15 other little popup windows flood up your screen with the "Are you sure?" message and a picture of Hello Kitty shedding tears.

HAHAHAHA!

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 06:50 PM (1lqnR)

175 Anytime you "google" dictator, your computer giggles.

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 06:51 PM (1lqnR)

176 "Shut down" is replaced by "spent"

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 06:51 PM (Wh0W+)

177 When a pop up message appears reading "Attention! You have misbuttoned your blouse! Please unbutton before proceeding!"

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 06:52 PM (18WU4)

178 When every weather site you go to tells you it's going to be "hot and steamy" today.

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 06:53 PM (18WU4)

179 When all the file folders on your computer have been renamed with hair colors and bra sizes.

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 06:56 PM (18WU4)

180 When you try to click open a file, you get a pop up message suggesting that you click harder and faster.

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 06:57 PM (18WU4)

181

Every evening before 8pm, Windows suggests you "clear your cache IYKWIMAITYD"

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 06:58 PM (Wh0W+)

182 A pop up tells you your computer's on/off button is in a new location. Please remove your clothes to find the new location.

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 07:00 PM (1lqnR)

183 When a site meter shows up on your desktop.

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 07:00 PM (nWikJ)

184 Your new screensaver is a candid across-the-street-without-your-knowledge picture of you leaving work.

Posted by: lauraw at June 09, 2011 07:00 PM (DbybK)

185 When you go to a restaurant, order a steak and the waiter says 'Oh, I know you like it rare you dirty, dirty girl'.

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 07:02 PM (nWikJ)

186

Top ten signs your computer has Perv-ware--

Task Manager tells you to suck her cock.

Posted by: Old Dad at June 09, 2011 07:02 PM (XtpDT)

187 Bwaah, I'm so paranoid after that "school spies on students via laptop cameras" that I taped paper over the camera on my Mac.

Posted by: bebe's boobs destroy at June 09, 2011 07:03 PM (gMRWk)

188 When a pop up tells you to please clean the camera cover because the clients are complaining.

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 07:03 PM (nWikJ)

189 When you log on and the AoSHQ logo is your desktop background.

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 07:04 PM (1lqnR)

190 Your neighbors won't make eye contact in the morning.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 07:04 PM (Wh0W+)

191 When Excel starts coming up as EXXXcel .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 07:04 PM (npr0X)

192 All your Windows sounds changed to 'fap...fap...fap'

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 07:06 PM (nWikJ)

193 You suddenly have 100s of new friend requests at facechimp.

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 07:08 PM (18WU4)

194 On a Mac , when you click on Finder , you end up at at an Adult Friend site .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 07:09 PM (npr0X)

195

you don't get any more of those annoying "Are you sure?" popups, but something feels wrong and you don't know why.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 07:12 PM (Wh0W+)

196 When you go to a restaurant, order a steak and the waiter says 'Oh, I know you like it rare you dirty, dirty girl'.

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 11:02 PM (nWikJ)

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Posted by: Steph at June 09, 2011 07:16 PM (AkdC5)

197 You Tube shows up as You Lube .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 07:16 PM (npr0X)

198 Right when you click on that thing you know you shouldn't, the phone rings and it's your mom.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 07:22 PM (Wh0W+)

199 The printer for the desktop spit out photocopied naughty bits until the ink ran out .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 07:29 PM (npr0X)

200 CRAP I'VE BEEN CAUGHT!

Posted by: Allahpundit at June 09, 2011 07:30 PM (O0/OX)

201 ^ and they weren't yours .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 07:31 PM (npr0X)

202 When you're popping zits, burping, and picking your nose, and UNINSTALL PERVWIZARD window appears on your screen.

Posted by: lauraw at June 09, 2011 07:31 PM (DbybK)

203 HAHAHA!

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 07:33 PM (18WU4)

204 When your mouse moves unexplainably to the edge and off the desk, into your lap, so you keep having to bend over just slightly to pick it up.

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 07:36 PM (18WU4)

205 Your watching the news and notice that all of Osama's goats are wearing masks with your face it it.

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 07:37 PM (nWikJ)

206 When, in that off chance you have to take your computer in for repairs, every.single.one. of the guys from the back work areas comes out to greet you.

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 07:39 PM (18WU4)

207 You tug on your mouse to free up the wire a bit and you hear deep soft moans coming from your speakers.

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 07:40 PM (18WU4)

208 When you dangling morons receive a 'things will get better' card in the mail, a long with a penis pump.

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 07:40 PM (nWikJ)

209 The icon "Flash Cookies" no longer means what you think it means.

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 07:42 PM (18WU4)

210 .... dangling morons ...... Heh .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 07:43 PM (npr0X)

211 Your Acrobat software now comes with whooping and applause sounds when opened.

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 07:44 PM (18WU4)

212

Your gmail account becomes a gspot account.

And you know the gspot is mythical, which just makes it even worse.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 07:44 PM (Wh0W+)

213 Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 11:44 PM (Wh0W+)

My fingers dial up my gspot every night

Posted by: momma at June 09, 2011 07:46 PM (nWikJ)

214 And you know the gspot is mythical, which just makes it even worse. Had to pick at that scab , didn't you ?

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 07:46 PM (npr0X)

215 Your computer screen shudders when you insert a thumb drive.

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 07:46 PM (18WU4)

216 When your anti-virus program comes in a vial .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 07:51 PM (npr0X)

217 HAHA!

Posted by: Cyn at June 09, 2011 07:53 PM (18WU4)

218

Look, I know about vajayjays. And they're just wrong.

Like when I google "William Howard Taft" and I get "two girls one cup".

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 09, 2011 07:53 PM (Wh0W+)

219 LauraW,

Thanks for fucking up our entire life's work.

Regards,

The Guys

P.S. - We won't tell anyone how you were the first to fall for our ploy. I promise. Cross your back hump, and swear to Allah...

Posted by: 5th Level Fighter at June 09, 2011 07:54 PM (hfWKa)

220 When it keeps asking you to insert disk in drive over and over and over again.

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 07:55 PM (1lqnR)

221 When your "eject disk" button gets renamed to "ejaculate dick"

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 07:56 PM (1lqnR)

222 When you click on Zerohedge and Baldbeaves pops up.

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 08:00 PM (npr0X)

223 When you click on Zerohedge and Baldbeaves pops up.

HAHAHAHA!

it's been a long time since we've played together Bill D.

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 08:02 PM (1lqnR)

224 Newyears me and you .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 08:03 PM (npr0X)

225 awwwwwwwwww, SO long ago.

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 08:12 PM (1lqnR)

226 hahaha, too bad the you thing doesn't work anymore, that was fun.

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 08:13 PM (1lqnR)

227 Good times .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at June 09, 2011 08:16 PM (npr0X)

228 Top Ten Signs Your Computer Has Perv-Ware On It:

Your computer emits the unmistakeable odor of desperation and fail.

Posted by: pajama momma at June 09, 2011 08:30 PM (1lqnR)

229 If you aren't a computer genius, and I mean really sharp on the technical details, you should probably put a little piece of tape over your webcam and this can never happen to you. At least not with your own machine. Then when you actually want to use your webcam to take a picture or video chat, you remove the little piece of tape. Then after you're done, you put the little piece of tape back over the camera until the next time you're really really sure you want to be on camera. If you're not a computer tech and you use a PC, your webcam is probably already controlled by somebody else because of your careless behavior and your lack of understanding of how viruses, trojans, malware, and hacks work. Do you have any naked pictures of yourself? Would you like to buy some?

Posted by: Peeping Tom at June 09, 2011 09:36 PM (E5Shg)

230 Somos un grupo profesional de turismo. Nos dedicamos a ayudarle para conocer bien de China. China es un paÃs con larga historia, civilizaciÃ³n antigua, paisaje bonito, pueblo hospitalario......

Posted by: coat hangers at June 09, 2011 11:55 PM (+UuXE)

231 He makes the rest of Congress look just as disgusting by his continued presence in the same room. swf to video converter
Will a wildfire be blamed? hard drives and air chillers wind down i feel the solar wind video to ipad converter
pdf to flash converter

Posted by: chaeli at June 10, 2011 01:13 AM (H6JXe)

232 Why consult and consort with expensive computer store nerds when any red-blooded (benefit of the doubt) moron here would gladly *secure* your computer for you? Complete with hardware. All you'd have to do is a sound and lighting check. You'd never have to worry about personal security ever again.

Posted by: Full Moon at June 10, 2011 04:24 PM (m75CK)

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Posted by: dell cheap computers at June 16, 2011 03:59 AM (vyaMX)

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