January 10, 2011

Movie Review: Black Swan
— SPADES-OF: ACE

Two weeks ago I witnessed a crime in progress. That crime was plagiarism, and the culprits were Natalie Portman and David Aronofsky. I was aghast as I witnessed a nearly shot-for-shot swipe of another, better movie, and one beloved by me.

Here's the plot of Black Swan: A performer/athlete is technically gifted, beautiful in movement, and virtuous -- and virginal -- in personal character. This Black Swan must compete for top honors with a "Black Swan," who represents the dark side of humanity, the id, the demiurge, the primal and the sexual, and whose style of performance is more free-flowing, unrestrained, and, ultimately, better appreciated.

The "White Swan" ultimately finds that triumph cannot come by beating the "Black Swan," but only by fusing with the "Black Swan," synthesizing control and abandon, caution and recklessness, order and chaos, and sexual restraint and a hungry, all-devouring sexual urge. The climax comes in the film's final moments, which featrures, in rapid succession, a shocking crime, a tour de force maneuver involving tight spinning, representing the ultimate fusion of super-ego and id , and, after this moment of triumph, the true triumph-- that of escape.

Does any of this sound vaguely familiar? Of course it does.

Blades of Glory (2007), the mind-bending psycho-sexual thriller by Josh Gordon and Bill Speck, explored the duality and dilemma of human nature, the dark and the light, in the context of the high-stress world of competitive figure skating. The auteurs Gordon/Speck explored the ice-cold, ice-hard world of figure skating, going beyond the pretty image presented to the public, to reveal the dark heart of the sport and the hidden turmoils within those who practice it.


Chazz Michael-Michaels, the first and only "Black Swan."

The Black Swan script does not even attempt to hide the cinematic crime it's committing. Compare the following text from Black Swan, in which the cruel director Tomas inquires about Nina/the White Swan's sexual inexperience...

Thomas Leroy: So, you got a boyfriend?

Nina: No.

Thomas Leroy: And you've had many in the past?

Nina: A few but no one serious.

Thomas Leroy: You're not a virgin are you?

Nina: [nervously] No.

Thomas Leroy: So there is nothing to be embarrassed about.

...with this virtually beat-for-beat identical passage from Blades of Glory, in which Chazz, the Black Swan, mocks Jimmy for not understanding the sexual nature of his (Chazz's) technique:

Jimmy: That was disgusting.

Chazz: THAT, young man, is how babies are made.

Both Blades of Glory and its imitator Black Swan flirt with the idea of homosexual attraction between competitors. Compare:

Lily: Wait, did you have some sort of lezzy wet dream about me?

Nina: [whispers] Stop it.

Lily: Oh my God? Oh my God! You did! You fantasized about me!

Nina: Shut up!

Lily: [gasps] Was I good?

with:

Coach: What do you two have that other skaters don't?

Chazz (raising hand, confidently): Twin dongs.

Coach: Exactly.

Both films underline the physical hardship of top-level competition, and feature the presence of a domineering, driven parent -- in Black Swan, Nina's mother pushes her into isolation, and there is a nasty, and somewhat gory, shot of Nina's foot breaking under the strain of placing her full weight upon a single toe. Whereas Blades of Glory features this stronger, more compelling revelation about the perils of having a stage-parent:

Jimmy: When I was eight, my dad had me get a circumcision to minimalize air resistance.


The triumphant fusion of Bacchanalian revel
with Apollonian discipline -- done right the first time.

Both films are about the duality of the human nature, and the need to balance the super-ego with the vital id. Compare Black Swan:


Coach: The truth is when I look at you all I see is the white swan. Yes you're beautiful, fearful, and fragile. Ideal casting. But the black swan? It's a hard fucking job to dance both.

Nina: I can dance the black swan, too.

Coach: Really? In 4 years every time you dance I see you obsessed getting each and every move perfectly right but I never see you lose yourself. Ever! All that discipline for what?

With the superior treatment in Blades of Glory...

Coach: Chazz, you can't go it alone! No lone wolf out there! And Jimmy, don't be afraid to improvise!

In far fewer words but infinitely more dramatic depth, Blades of Glory summarizes the key thematic opposition of Black Swan.

But the similarities are not constrained to mere plot and dialogue -- no, the key visuals of Blades of Glory are shamelessly appropriated for the thief-film Black Swan. Both films play with the idea of apotheosis into a great bird pregnant with symbolic heft. Black Swan of course fixates on the image of the swan, whereas Jimmy McElroy begins the film as a peacock:


The Black Swan can only build to the
mindblowing imagery Blades of Glory assumes from the outset.

While some praise Aronofsky for his "inventiveness" in the swan motif, few seem to remember the unbridled joy they first felt upon seeing Jimmy McElroy's "galloping peacock."

Having watched both films recently, virtually identical in all respects, I confess that at this point have trouble distinguishing between them. I cannot remember from which movie comes the line "You all have had the chance and the privilege to be enchanted, transported, and even sometimes devastated by the performances of this true artist of our company," and from which comes "Great! That'll give me time to wax my jugs!"

Or which film featured an Ecstacy-fueled debauch, and which featured a man vomiting inside a wizard costume, or which an ice princess, and which an "ice-devouring sex-tornado."

Or which film contained the bloodcurling cry, upon seeing a beloved sports mascot wounded by a crossbow bolt: "Snowflake!!!"

It is shocking in this day and age that such shameless stealing can pass not only unremarked by the critical audience, but in fact be rewarded. Or that the true innovator should be shunned as inferior while its imitator receives the accolades.

While some ineffectual, arch dialogue about sexuality is cause for critical celebration in Black Swan, true insights about the Demiurge of sexuality are entirely ignored from Blades of Glory. Savage, sudden bursts of true insight like this:

Chazz: I was just trying to find some peace. A haven, a place where I could feel safe... she was my yoga instructor. So I know she was limber. [H]er friend, a massage therapist walked in the door naked... With a big bottle of canola oil and a monkey who was trained to work on a video camera.

And she rocked my world.

Black Swan may rack up the awards, but Blades of Glory will always have something its pale imitation does not: A monkey trained to work on a video camera.

Funny: "Boner-killing!," rave the reviewers.


Posted by: SPADES-OF: ACE at 06:32 PM | Comments (137)
Post contains 1137 words, total size 8 kb.

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Posted by: China-store at January 10, 2011 06:36 PM (y4983)

2 hilarious!

Posted by: bigdaddyc at January 10, 2011 06:36 PM (lcWls)

3 Will either make me forget The Sound of Music?

Posted by: Banjo at January 10, 2011 06:38 PM (nnZ5F)

4 Also,Jenna Fiher is way hotter than Natalie Dorfman.

Posted by: steevy at January 10, 2011 06:39 PM (4Ue2R)

5 But after watching Black Swan, you have a chance to, uh, make pancakes for whoever dragged you to see it.

After watching Blades of Glory, the best you can hope for is making yourself some microwave Mac-and-cheese.

Posted by: Waterhouse at January 10, 2011 06:40 PM (yMONZ)

6

Yep.  That's why I keep reading this retarded moron blog.

Good job.

Funny too.

Posted by: ed at January 10, 2011 06:41 PM (u44uf)

7 HA HA HA ROUND-EYE!

Posted by: CHINA #1 at January 10, 2011 06:41 PM (5qJM5)

8 So, no pizza rolls for Mila and Natalie?

Posted by: eman at January 10, 2011 06:42 PM (0aJSF)

9 This is some weird-ass reviewing right here, Ace. 

Seriously though, what did you think of Black Swan?  Neither my girlfriend nor I were that impressed with it at the end.  The cinematography was pretty marvelous, but ultimately it played out as a ridiculously screechy (and thoroughly implausible) melodrama.  Most overrated movie of the year, IMO.

Both of us are also getting pretty fucking tired of the Grand Meaninglessness of these sorts of movies, too.

By the way, you want to know what the most shockingly, unexpectedly entertaining movie of the year was?  You'll never guess.  It was a documentary.  Joan River: A Piece Of Work. 

Totally.  Not.  Joking.  It turns out that she's an outrageously funny comedian, a complete exception to the normally ironclad rule that Women Aren't Funny.

Again, I shit you not.  And as a student of comedy, Ace, I think you'll be particularly interested.

Posted by: Jeff B. at January 10, 2011 06:43 PM (NjYDy)

10 You forgot to mention that Blades of Glory is also superior in that it has Bill Fucking Fichtner in an amazing fur coat.

Speaking of Bill Fichtner and his awesomeness, I cannot wait to see him in this.

Posted by: alexthechick at January 10, 2011 06:44 PM (bQ5xy)

11 But after watching Black Swan, you have a chance to, uh, make pancakes for whoever dragged you to see it.

Dude, did you actually see this with a girlfriend/wife?  Let me tell you, sex is the LAST thing she's going to feel like when it's over.  All the softcore lesbian stuff is kinda-sorta cancelled out by the intensely upsetting Cronenberg-esque body horror.

Posted by: Jeff B. at January 10, 2011 06:45 PM (NjYDy)

12 Someone alert The Academy!11!!eleventy!!!11!!!

Posted by: Orson Welles at January 10, 2011 06:47 PM (5qJM5)

13 I hope Natalie gets a chance to talk about quantum physics at the Oscars this year.

Posted by: eman at January 10, 2011 06:47 PM (0aJSF)

14 buzzion -

Awesome.  Absolutely spot-on with that fake ad.  Pretty much exactly what I thought throughout the movie myself.

Posted by: Jeff B. at January 10, 2011 06:49 PM (NjYDy)

15 Honestly, I don't know how anyone watches something with Portman in it.
She has the emotional range of a comatose patient.

Posted by: Rocks at January 10, 2011 06:51 PM (WxagK)

16 He said Boner -- heh-heh, heh-heh!

Posted by: Beavis at January 10, 2011 06:52 PM (5qJM5)

17 Mind-bottling, isn't it?

Posted by: Guy Fawkes at January 10, 2011 06:52 PM (xQAv5)

18 Honestly, I don't know how anyone watches something with Portman in it. She has the emotional range of a comatose patient. Posted by: Rocks at January 10, 2011 10:51 PM (WxagK) What?! What about her earthshaking portrayal of Padme in the Prequels? She acted her ass off!

Posted by: eman at January 10, 2011 06:53 PM (0aJSF)

19 I still think mind bottling is a perfectly cromulent word.

Posted by: alexthechick at January 10, 2011 06:54 PM (bQ5xy)

20 Nancy Kerrigan. You an official here? Cause you've officially given me a boner!

Posted by: Guy Fawkes at January 10, 2011 06:54 PM (xQAv5)

21
What?!

What about her earthshaking portrayal of Padme in the Prequels?

She acted her ass off!

"Pwincesses down't wike weapons!  Ewww."

Posted by: ¤§EZB§¤ at January 10, 2011 06:56 PM (fa9yq)

22 Ace is one Sexy Beast today. I mean Sexy Beast like the movie, not furry Hello Kitty sex.

Posted by: humphreyrobot at January 10, 2011 06:57 PM (EiH7n)

23 She acted her ass off!

Posted by: eman at January 10, 2011 10:53 PM (0aJSF)


That would be about  right as she has no ass....or tits for that matter.


Posted by: Rocks at January 10, 2011 06:57 PM (WxagK)

24 Black Swan II: Riverdance of Blood

Posted by: eman at January 10, 2011 06:57 PM (0aJSF)

25

I showed Blades of Glory to my wife last month, who had never seen it.  She was laughing so hard it was truly a treat to see her reactions.

My favorite part is the "man on the street" reactions to a male-male couples team and the hot dog vendor holds up a bun with two weiners inside it: "Does that look right to you?"

She about pissed herself at the North Korean lopping the head off his partner doing the Iron Lotus.

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at January 10, 2011 06:58 PM (lGFXF)

26 So this movie was filmed in NYC? Not really into foreign films. I pass.

Posted by: Shoppy at January 10, 2011 06:59 PM (Z12xM)

27 Figure skating? Give it up, Jimmy! It's like a cruel bitch mother!

Posted by: Guy Fawkes at January 10, 2011 06:59 PM (xQAv5)

28

Bwhahaha!  That was funneh!

Posted by: runningrn at January 10, 2011 07:00 PM (ihSHD)

29

"I don't ever think I've experienced the sensation of blood rushing out of my penis and back up into my body before."

Priceless!

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at January 10, 2011 07:01 PM (lGFXF)

30 He said Boner -- heh-heh, heh-heh!

Dammit, Beavis, shutup!!  Huh..huhuhuh....

Posted by: Butthead at January 10, 2011 07:01 PM (SHKl9)

31

The Hobo liver that inspired this must have been potent. 

 It might be best to dry the leftover bits and keep them for special occasions.

Posted by: garrett at January 10, 2011 07:02 PM (lB6Z2)

32 The 'real' Black Swan Ballet is wicked awesome....but I like The Corsaire better ....

Blades did have cute costumes though! 

Posted by: ¤§EZB§¤ at January 10, 2011 07:02 PM (fa9yq)

33 What about her earthshaking portrayal of Padme in the Prequels?

She acted her ass off!

Posted by: eman at January 10, 2011 10:53 PM (0aJSF)

Honestly?  She was probably the best actor in the prequels. 

I mean, watching Liam Neeson, was like watching Lebron James playing wheelchair basketball, but still...

Posted by: AmishDude at January 10, 2011 07:03 PM (BvBKY)

34 Epic.

Posted by: Holger at January 10, 2011 07:05 PM (YxGud)

35 Meesa no like see Princess Padme getta hurted.

Posted by: Jar-Jar at January 10, 2011 07:06 PM (0aJSF)

36 Dammit, Beavis, shutup!!  Huh..huhuhuh....

Uhhhhhhhhhhhm, ok.

Posted by: Beavis at January 10, 2011 07:06 PM (5qJM5)

37 You hit the nail on the head cause you're using a damn air gun.

Posted by: humphreyrobot at January 10, 2011 07:06 PM (EiH7n)

38 I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.

Posted by: Quote from the wrong movie guy at January 10, 2011 07:06 PM (xQAv5)

39 Hey Quote, what color are your Depends?

Posted by: humphreyrobot at January 10, 2011 07:08 PM (EiH7n)

40 Aw, that was good.  Like a nice tobacco at the end of the day.

Posted by: rdbrewer at January 10, 2011 07:09 PM (ypYKp)

41 Is Anakin Skywalker gonna have to force-choke a bitch?

Posted by: Anakin Skywalker at January 10, 2011 07:10 PM (lGFXF)

42 well done. Very clever.

I'm also impressed that the spambot got first.

Posted by: bobbo at January 10, 2011 07:11 PM (QcFbt)

43 Has EVERYONE gone insane?  Ace, tell me you still got it together.  This review went on about 30 paragraphs more than it needed.  It's OK to forget about massive, unsustainable debt; Iran nukes and Cloward-Piven for a while.  But this is a dive into the currency of grammar and shaved heads.

If Ace gives a really, really, really long review of Black Swan by comparing it, dialogue-by-dialogue excerpt, to a Will Ferrell movie, then Ace has lost it.

Ace gave a really, really, really long review of Black Swan by comparing it, dialogue-by-dialogue excerpt, to a Will Ferrell movie.

Therefore, Ace has lost it.

Posted by: Randall Hoven at January 10, 2011 07:11 PM (zQupx)

44 I really liked Blades Of Glory. The story of two men overcoming all odds, defying social mores, and really doing things two men should not be doing together. Woops! That was Brokeback Mountain. My bad.

Posted by: Shoppy at January 10, 2011 07:12 PM (Z12xM)

45

I'm terrified of my dream that Padme will die.  I'll do anything to prevent that, up to and including CHOKING HER TO DEATH MYSELF.

Holy SHIT George Lucas is one underappreciated genius.

Posted by: Anakin Skywalker at January 10, 2011 07:12 PM (lGFXF)

46 Best. Movie Review. Ever. I laughed, I cried... a tour de force! Two thumbs up.

Posted by: Caiwyn at January 10, 2011 07:12 PM (pjDQX)

47 Honestly?  She was probably the best actor in the prequels.

A finer example of damning with faint praise I have not seen in ages...

Posted by: Additional Blond Agent at January 10, 2011 07:13 PM (SHKl9)

48 Therefore, Ace has lost it.

You say that as if it's a bad thing.

Posted by: ¤§EZB§¤ at January 10, 2011 07:14 PM (fa9yq)

49 If Ace gives a really, really, really long review of Black Swan by comparing it, dialogue-by-dialogue excerpt, to a Will Ferrell movie, then Ace has lost it.

You're new here, aren't you?

Posted by: Jeff B. at January 10, 2011 07:14 PM (NjYDy)

50 Ace is no Plinkett.

Posted by: AmishDude at January 10, 2011 07:16 PM (BvBKY)

51

If Ace gives a really, really, really long review of Black Swan by comparing it, dialogue-by-dialogue excerpt, to a Will Ferrell movie, then Ace has lost it.

You're new here, aren't you?

 

The only thing that would have made this post better is if it was a double.  Heh!


Posted by: runningrn at January 10, 2011 07:16 PM (ihSHD)

52 I still think mind bottling is a perfectly cromulent word.

My sincerest contrafibbularities on the state of your cromulosity...

Posted by: Edmund Blackadder at January 10, 2011 07:16 PM (SHKl9)

53 hi all
back from Tucson - into a snowstorm!
man I wish I was back in Arizona

heh liked your review of Black Swan
actually, wasn't there an SNL skit somewhat like this on Saturday?

Posted by: chemjeff at January 10, 2011 07:17 PM (PaSAU)

54 Honestly?  She was probably the best actor in the prequels.

The prequels had pretty much no redeeming qualities, but I'd actually have to say that the guy who played Palpatine was the best actor in any of the prequels.  At the very least, he was the only one who seemed to be having any fun.

Posted by: Jeff B. at January 10, 2011 07:17 PM (NjYDy)

Posted by: chemjeff at January 10, 2011 07:18 PM (PaSAU)

56 I'll do my actual Black Swan review later, I guess. Overall I liked it. But to give away my main beef: I do not like movies that think their flesh-and-blood characters are less important than the Symbols they represent. I did not like that in The Dark Knight, where somewhere along the way Christopher Nolan seemed to grow very bored with Batman and the Joker as real people (too bad, he was making a realistic movie and could almost have sold this! And that would have been a trick!) and began conceiving them only as absolutely-opposite symbols of the twin natures of man, batman, appolonian and I guess Athenian, Joker, Bacchanalian and Hadean. Or, in D&D terms: Perfect lawful good and absolute chaotic evil. Not only did I resent Harvey Dent being dragged in to be a bit player in this Clash of Symbolic Formalism, when he could support his own movie, but I resented him being used just because he was a Symbol of the clash of the two opposites: One half of his face created by Batman, good and flawless, the other half created by Joker, scarred and evil. I do not mind intellectualism in movies, really. I don't mind if there's something going on on a symbolic/thematic level -- EXCEPT when that becomes the whole show. And I start to think, "If the director can't find any interest in these characters as people, but can only conceive of them as interesting as abstractions they represent, then why do I care? Why make a movie? Why use drama as the medium? Why not just write a three page philosophical treatise, since that's what you care about?" In Black Swan, 90% of the movie worked *great* on a real, flesh-and-blood level. And I liked it a great deal. I was aware of all the Thematic/Symbolic clashing; but I just enjoyed that as an overlay on the actual real action of the drama. BUT-- in the end, well, at the end the Symbolic/Thematic narrative is allowed to overwhlem the real story. The ending is a contrivance, I feel, because that's the way the Symbolic/Thematic narrative had to end; the real character-level story is forced to end the same way, just because, it's dragged behind the real engine, the symbolic one. Now, twenty minutes after leaving the movie, I figured out that the director had left behind real-world explanations as to why things ended this way in the "real" level narrative; and fine, that HALF-Way works, in glib way, in terms of pure logic; but, viscerally, emotionally, I don't buy it. It ended in a sort of formulaic way, just because movies Like This end in That Way. So the Thematic/Symbolic stuff was okay with me until the end, when it overwhelmed the show and crushed the real-character story I was pretty interested in. That said: It's still a good movie. 90% of a great movie is still pretty good.

Posted by: OF-SPADES: ACE at January 10, 2011 07:19 PM (nj1bB)

57 Posted by: OF-SPADES: ACE at January 10, 2011 11:19 PM (nj1bB)

okay, but were there (a) boobies, and/or (b) shit getting blown up?

Posted by: chemjeff at January 10, 2011 07:21 PM (PaSAU)

58 Black Swan was okay.  It wasn't great.  It was pretty overrated actually.....
Blades of Glory, however, was fucking hilarious.  I had a good giggle, learned nothing, and walked away.  Rather like every other Will Ferrell movie...

Posted by: specious at January 10, 2011 07:22 PM (KV25a)

59 Hang on a sec here!!!  What's this dumping a post over the ONT bullshit?????  A Matenloch ONT no less..

WTF is wrong with you???  For shame!!

Posted by: Portnoy at January 10, 2011 07:22 PM (azgo2)

60 I think writers come here and release their mad semi quantizer logic experiments upon the populace disguised as happy fun time rides.

Posted by: humphreyrobot at January 10, 2011 07:22 PM (EiH7n)

61 That Nic Cage clip is the Greatest.  Clip.  Ever.

Posted by: alexthechick at January 10, 2011 07:23 PM (bQ5xy)

62 You're about the sexiest bozo ever to wear to a funny blue dress.

Posted by: Quote from Ice Castles at January 10, 2011 07:23 PM (xQAv5)

63 by the way, if you don't know, Black Swan is either a drama with very pronounced horror elements or a horror movie with very pronounced drama elements. Either way. It's kind of a horror movie. Critics call it a "psychological thriller" or something but I think it's kind of more a straight-up horror. Oh, sure, it's psychological, but it's horror. Not a thriller, horror. JeffB. mentioned the Croenenberg body-horror stuff that I usually love but the thing is, when Croenenberg does it, that stuff is actually supposed to be *real* in the film's universe. It's not supposed to be a dream or hallucination. and that's why it's so riveting and memorable. Croenenberg gives you some real "I can't believe I'm seeing this, or that someone imagined this" moments. Because he sells the craziest body-horror stuff as real. It's not the same in Black Swan, where the crazier stuff appears to be a hallucination and not existing in the film's reality at all, except in a character's mind. So, I didn't love most of that. There is some body-horror stuff like broken feet that's pretty gnarly, though.

Posted by: OF-SPADES: ACE at January 10, 2011 07:24 PM (nj1bB)

64 OF-SPADES: ACE, how do i know it is really you Acey? Anybody can use caps so you see the quandary here don't you?

Posted by: humphreyrobot at January 10, 2011 07:26 PM (EiH7n)

65 I thought my girlfriend's critique of Black Swan was actually pretty apt - she echoes the exact points you make, Ace (about intellectual symbology overtaking any real human story...this is exactly what I meant when I said we're both tiring of the Grand Meaningless of these sorts of films), and she added a related one that I couldn't really have made myself: that Aronofsky knows nothing of women. 

Seriously, her point was well taken - she's a very arty person herself, very interested in the sorts of intellectual concepts addressed in the film, and yet she couldn't connect at all with it precisely because it rang so goddamn false from a female perspective.  In her words, "this is a guy pretending to know what would motivate a woman in this situation."  All the lesbian sexual motifs, the body-horror stuff...it's a set of uniquely masculine obsessions, not the sorts of stuff that a ballet dancer (or any stressed/psychotic/delusional female artist) would actually be driven by.  Therefore, at the end of the movie, she was left with nastily counterfeit taste in her mouth.

Posted by: Jeff B. at January 10, 2011 07:27 PM (NjYDy)

66 Meesa hates beez.

Posted by: Jar-Jar at January 10, 2011 07:28 PM (0aJSF)

67 I know how, your tracking program for your blog will have my ip address. I'm in Texas, can you tell which city? By the way, i tell everybody that your blog blogs.

Posted by: humphreyrobot at January 10, 2011 07:29 PM (EiH7n)

68 Therefore, at the end of the movie, she was left with nastily counterfeit taste in her mouth.

Actually, wait, that was me.

Sorry, I couldn't help it, I realize I'd set that one up unintentionally.

Posted by: Jeff B. at January 10, 2011 07:29 PM (NjYDy)

69 Well if you want to bust on the Wicker Man, this clip of "Best scenes" is great, because... well, all of this seems pretty ludicrous out of context. Watching this you might think this is a parody of the movie, or that the movie was a goofball comedy; but no, this is all really from the movie, and the movie was serious as a heart attack. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6i2WRreARo I mean, when the guy dressed in the Bear Suit cold-cocks the woman, what can you say. But I really liked that movie. I really like most Nicholas Cage movies. I don't review them anymore because I realize that I seem to be on his wavelength and few other people are. I also loved knowing. I sort of liked Bangkok Dangerous. I am very tempted to see Season of the Witch despite the fact it's being called one of the worst movies of the past 10 years.

Posted by: OF-SPADES: ACE at January 10, 2011 07:30 PM (nj1bB)

70 I also loved knowing.

Thank goodness it's not just me.  I really liked it, mainly because they actually went through with the logical conclusion of the story.

Posted by: alexthechick at January 10, 2011 07:32 PM (bQ5xy)

71 I always like Nicholas Cage movies too.  He's good.

Posted by: Sheriff Pudlick at January 10, 2011 07:32 PM (ypYKp)

72 I really like most Nicholas Cage movies. I don't review them anymore because I realize that I seem to be on his wavelength and few other people are.

Have you seen Bad Lieutenant II: Port Of Call New Orleans?  Because that is right up your fucking alley in a major way.  I absolutely adored it, and it's Cage at his most inspiredly batshit-loony.  Maybe even better than Vampire's Kiss, which is another ridiculously underrated Nicholas Cage movie.

I pretty much love anything he does.  Whenever he wants to sell his special brand of ultra-committed crazy, I'm in line for buyin'.

Posted by: Jeff B. at January 10, 2011 07:34 PM (NjYDy)

73 Haven't seen Cage's Wicker Man flick yet. How many beers do you need to tolerate it?

Posted by: eman at January 10, 2011 07:35 PM (0aJSF)

74 sock

Posted by: rdbrewer at January 10, 2011 07:35 PM (ypYKp)

75 Blades of Glory is one of the funniest movies ever. I even have the DVD, which I never do.

Can do without the over pretentious Black Swan.

Posted by: shibumi at January 10, 2011 07:35 PM (OKZrE)

76 I liked the 1st National Treasure movie and Knowing was pretty good. Did not like The Wicker Man, except for the lady-punching. Loved Blades of Glory especially Chaz's book of poetry.

Posted by: Dr Spank at January 10, 2011 07:36 PM (1fB+3)

77 Jeeze, I've stumbled upon a 'My Crotch is Wet With My Tears' movie review....

But on the other hand, Raising Arizona is probably one of the 10 best movies ever made.

Posted by: Portnoy at January 10, 2011 07:38 PM (azgo2)

78 Seriously, people: Bad Lieutenant II.  You must see this film.

Posted by: Jeff B. at January 10, 2011 07:38 PM (NjYDy)

79 I haven't seen Blades of Glory or Talladega Nights. I've tried several times to sit down and watch them, but I always give up after about 20 minutes. That being said, this review was hysterical. And I do like Nic Cage movies.

Posted by: EmilyM. at January 10, 2011 07:38 PM (zH0Mn)

80 Oh, and another thing...Will Farrel was never funny...he's just cheesy..His 'Funny or Die' thing can eat the corn out of my shit.

Posted by: Portnoy at January 10, 2011 07:40 PM (azgo2)

81 I didn't really care for Knowing that much, but I thought the airplane crash scene was absolutely horrifying (in a good way) and I think that Alex Proyas is responsible for one of the greatest sci-fi movies of all time in Dark City.

This thread is a great way to blow off some steam after all the bullshit in the media today, BTW.  Much better than another stupid ONT.

Posted by: Jeff B. at January 10, 2011 07:41 PM (NjYDy)

82 >>>Knowing was a really fun movie with some of the best effects I have ever seen. They did really try to make it all make sense, and for the most part they were consistent, but it was still one more in a long line of non-scientists trying to write scientist roles and about "math", but it was close enough and done with enough earnestness that one could overlook the problems and enjoy the movie. Even the acting didn't hurt the enjoyment. Yeah the science was ballpark okay, and the scenes where Cage (a rationalist) realizes he's confronting the irrational were well done, believable. He's not ready to jump in and BELIEVE THIS SHIT, but as a scientist, he's also like: Well, can YOU explain this any other way? The scene with his fellow scientist was good, nicely underplayed, not all yell-y and shit. Just Cage saying, "Look, I know this is ridiculous, but you tell me what I'm looking at," and the other scientist saying, "Well I don't know, I just know you must be overlooking *something.*" Another plus in Knowing: They avoided where you know their first thought went, GLOBAL FUCKING WARMING. Not only did they not beat me over the head with that well-worn club, they gave me a different Apocalyptic scenario, which frankly struck me as far more plausible and therefore a little more scary. (Plus, hey, makes for better SFX.) Plus that awesome, awesome choice of that Beethoven piece to score the whole damn movie with. They used it constantly and I never got sick of it.

Posted by: OF-SPADES: ACE at January 10, 2011 07:43 PM (nj1bB)

83

That Rose Byrne chick, who is cute, seems to flip out and cause mayhem in every movie she's in.  She damn near destroyed the solar system in Sunshine (which was a really great movie about why liberals should never be taken on critical missions).

Posted by: Leftard at January 10, 2011 11:38 PM (G/MYk)


Wow, someone mentioned Sunshine, it's one of my favs and just about the best space movie I've seen.

Posted by: KG at January 10, 2011 07:43 PM (1qER1)

84 HaHa this was probably the best damn movie review I've ever read.

Posted by: ThePaganTemple at January 10, 2011 07:46 PM (g/sVL)

85 Sunshine is one of my favorite movies, right up until it all falls apart at the very end.  I even love it despite rubbing in my face that Cillian Murphy is prettier than I'll ever be.

I also love the whole relationship with Chris Evans where Evans' character pretty much despises Murphy's but push come to shove he'll save him first because that's what has to be done. 

Dark City is a masterpiece. 

Posted by: alexthechick at January 10, 2011 07:48 PM (bQ5xy)

86 That review was better than The Wicker Man.

Posted by: Dr Spank at January 10, 2011 07:49 PM (1fB+3)

87 How many beers do you need to tolerate it?

There's a guy in it with bees on his face going OH GOD NOT THE BEES AGAIN so you'll know it's the bees again, in case you can't see them in the giant fucking close-up of his bee-covered face. And there's not enough beer on the beer planet Planet Beer to make that OK.

I like Nicolas Cage. He's in a lot of bad movies. That one's the worst one.

Posted by: oblig. at January 10, 2011 07:51 PM (x7Ao8)

88 Hm, added Bad Lieutenant II and Sunshine to netflix queue... will check out, thanks. I have doubts about Bad Lieutanant II because I didn't like the first one with Keitel and I don't like Cage's dark, serious movies -- I like his goofy commercial movies (which the critics hate) like Guarding Tess, Honeymoon in Vegas, National Treasure, Con Air, etc. I like his supposed crap movies. Never saw Leaving Las Vegas, for example.

Posted by: OF-SPADES: ACE at January 10, 2011 07:52 PM (nj1bB)

89 Dark City is a masterpiece.

Yeah, and Roger Ebert gets a lifetime pass from me, no matter how douchey his politics, for being the guy who turned me on that film.  Never would have discovered it had it not been for his major advocacy on its behalf.

If you haven't seen it before, PLEASE watch the Director's Cut instead of the original version.  It makes one very, very crucial change in the beginning that vastly increases your enjoyment of the film.

Posted by: Jeff B. at January 10, 2011 07:53 PM (NjYDy)

90 There's a guy in it with bees on his face going OH GOD NOT THE BEES AGAIN so you'll know it's the bees again, in case you can't see them in the giant fucking close-up of his bee-covered face.

He also punches a girl in the face while in a bear suit.  Come on, that's awesome.

Posted by: alexthechick at January 10, 2011 07:54 PM (bQ5xy)

91 There's a guy in it with bees on his face going OH GOD NOT THE BEES AGAIN so you'll know it's the bees again, in case you can't see them in the giant fucking close-up of his bee-covered face. And there's not enough beer on the beer planet Planet Beer to make that OK.


This comment is better than an entire good movie. Thank you.

Posted by: thisheavenlyhell at January 10, 2011 07:55 PM (8uDC8)

92 Thank you for this Ace.  I needed a good laugh today.

Posted by: DavidJ at January 10, 2011 07:55 PM (I75AE)

93 I have doubts about Bad Lieutanant II because I didn't like the first one with Keitel and I don't like Cage's dark, serious movies -- I like his goofy commercial movies (which the critics hate) like Guarding Tess, Honeymoon in Vegas, National Treasure, Con Air, etc.

Oh man, you're gonna LOVE this movie then.  It's much more on the "way out there" awesome fun side of things than the "dark serious" side.  I can't wait for your review...and I get the feeling you'll want to write a review.

Seriously, it's SO MUCH FUCKING FUN. 

Posted by: Jeff B. at January 10, 2011 07:55 PM (NjYDy)

94 >>>Although, I've never figured out what the pebbles were. I figured they were souls, or something, but that didn't make sense, either. I don't think they were anything except pointers to the location of the evacuation site. Why the kid would be presumed to know that, I don't know. But they were just pebbles.

Posted by: OF-SPADES: ACE at January 10, 2011 07:55 PM (nj1bB)

95 so, ace, I see you are still "watching Shep"

sometimes the Shep  must be watched; watching the Shep is part of life, etc


Posted by: UNIT-DESIGNATE: SantaRosaStan at January 10, 2011 07:56 PM (UqKQV)

96 Seriously, Ace - Bad Lieutenant II is practically a gonzo comedy.  It has almost nothing to do with the Keitel original, tonally-speaking.  You're right -- the original is dark, grim, deeply unpleasant.  Whereas Bad Lieutenant II features a cracked-out Cage demanding "shoot him again - his soul is still moving!"

And it was directed by Werner Herzog.

Posted by: Jeff B. at January 10, 2011 07:57 PM (NjYDy)

97 I'll watch, man. Ease up, Ripley, you're just grinding metal.

Posted by: OF-SPADES: ACE at January 10, 2011 07:58 PM (nj1bB)

98 When I saw "Black Swan" the girl sitting behind me would burst into tears during the scenes where Portman masturbated and Mila Kunis "went there."  Most people cry when ET dies or someone lobs a grenade at Bambi's mother.  For this chick, it's when Queen Amidala goes knuckle-deep in honey.

Posted by: CrustyB at January 10, 2011 07:58 PM (qzgbP)

99 Seriously Ace...this is a film where Nic Cage swears by his "lucky crack pipe."

You're gonna love it.

Posted by: Jeff B. at January 10, 2011 07:59 PM (NjYDy)

100 I don't think they were anything except pointers to the location of the evacuation site. Why the kid would be presumed to know that, I don't know. But they were just pebbles. Posted by: OF-SPADES: ACE at January 10, 2011 11:55 PM (nj1bB) Why didn't they evacuate people long before you know what? (avoiding a spoiler)

Posted by: eman at January 10, 2011 07:59 PM (0aJSF)

101 I thought you were going for White Nights there at the beginning...

Posted by: garrett at January 10, 2011 08:01 PM (lB6Z2)

102 Alright, alright, I'll stop grinding metal.

Posted by: Jeff B. at January 10, 2011 08:01 PM (NjYDy)

103 Godfather Coppola's nephew Unit-Designate Nicolas Cage turns every movie into shit

.....except Valley Girl   &   Matchstick Men

Posted by: UNIT-DESIGNATE: SantaRosaStan at January 10, 2011 08:01 PM (UqKQV)

104 Bad Lieutenant II is a waste of time, in my opinion; Sunshine is definitely worth seeing.

Posted by: Dr Spank at January 10, 2011 08:01 PM (1fB+3)

105 okay, Con Air was good, mostly because of Other Cast Members

( not the members of the cast, but the actors; use math to discern the difference )

Posted by: UNIT-DESIGNATE: SantaRosaStan at January 10, 2011 08:04 PM (UqKQV)

106 okay, Con Air was good, mostly because of Other Cast Members

Steve Buscemi in the Lecter cage will never not be faboo. 

Posted by: alexthechick at January 10, 2011 08:07 PM (bQ5xy)

107 >>>Why didn't they evacuate people long before you know what? I presume there are two answers. 1) Why do it earlier? To what end? They can do it whenever they like. They do not seem like they're so disorganized as to oversleep on The Big Day. Why NOT do it on the last day? 2) I suppose there's some bullshit about not interfering with a, um, program in progress and letting that program run uninterrupted as long as possible. When they do their thing, there's like, you know, two minutes left. So it's not a breach. Also, I guess, you know: They would inflict a lot of harm on the parents if they did that, wouldn't they? Like if they just stole children years before the big day, eh? What would Nicholas Cage feel like if that happened? The way they did it, it's like two minutes of pain. Plus, Cage understood the reasons. They seemed pretty conscientous like that.

Posted by: OF-SPADES: ACE at January 10, 2011 08:07 PM (nj1bB)

108 I don't get it.

Posted by: Caboose at January 10, 2011 08:08 PM (bxiXv)

109 I would say because there were two tests that had to be passed. Following the instructions, to begin (figuring them out and folowing them) and then the exercise of free will at the end - by different people. At least that's what I think the movie was saying. Posted by: Leftard at January 11, 2011 12:08 AM (G/MYk) I thought it was a gimmick so they could have a stupid ending.

Posted by: eman at January 10, 2011 08:12 PM (0aJSF)

110 The stupid part of the ending was the contrived race-against-the-clock car chase, all because the woman decided that Nic Cage was wrong and, rather than discuss that with him, to steal his child and race away into the night. Still, I can sort of see why they felt they needed something like that at the end; I just wish they had figured out a more plausible way of getting there. Hey, a carjacker would have worked just fine, right?

Posted by: OF-SPADES: ACE at January 10, 2011 08:21 PM (nj1bB)

111 Sunshine? Eww. That thing sure went off a cliff at the end. All setup and no finish.

Posted by: Waterhouse at January 10, 2011 08:27 PM (yMONZ)

112 ",,,,,more plausible way of getting there....." Posted by: OF-SPADES: ACE at January 11, 2011 12:21 AM (nj1bB) Getting where? To where they evacuate a tiny fraction of the human race to a marshmallow planet that is a new Eden?

Posted by: eman at January 10, 2011 08:31 PM (0aJSF)

113 61 Remember, Ace considers this to be cinematic genius. ----------------------------------- Nic Cage with the bee wicker basket on his head? I haven't seen that kind of range since Charlton Heston in Planet Of The Apes. And that's saying something.

Posted by: Shoppy at January 10, 2011 08:33 PM (Z12xM)

114 Knowing actually began as the story of a defrocked Priest who loses his faith and goes on a journey of self discovery and it ends with the Priest sacrificing himself to save the life of a gangster. Matt Daman and Ben Affleck were originally targeted for the leads, but the studio wanted more action and comedy so it was changed to a Medieval moat guard buddy movie and offered to Jim Carrey and Seth Green, but they declined. Then it became the story of a time traveling wizard who falls in love with a homeless waitress with HIV. The wizard uses all his magic to cure the waitress but in doing so is trapped in Iowa forever.

Posted by: eman at January 10, 2011 08:46 PM (0aJSF)

115

Ace still in?  Ace, here's an idea for a post for Saturday: 

"Tomorrow's Frank Rich Article" 

Posted by: rdbrewer at January 10, 2011 08:46 PM (ypYKp)

116 Sunshine was awesome until the last 20 min. or so.  I left the theater feeling abused; I'm still a little bitter about it several years later, because the first 2/3 of it were so terrific.


Posted by: Fallen Sparrow at January 10, 2011 08:47 PM (l48cv)

117 Whichever poster wrote "Natalie Portman has the emotional range of a comatose patient" was correct as far as the films I have seen her in. I have read two reviews of "Black Swan" film by former ballet dancers-both women. One said it was so campy it was horribly laughable trotting out every cliche about dancers imaginable. The other one-the blogger ar Neoneocon.com said that she not only disliked it, she loathed it. The same theatre that was playing Black Swan was also playing "The King's Speech". I opted for the latter; It was excellent. Dance Films? I'll stick with "The Turning Point" and the fine old chestnut, "The Red Shoes"

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at January 10, 2011 09:05 PM (se1K4)

118 Who gives a ratfuck?

Posted by: TexasJew at January 10, 2011 09:21 PM (u7MHs)

119 Hey look!!  A chance to move away from the Giffords shooting and the demagoguery done by the lefties. 

Posted by: Dave C at January 10, 2011 09:29 PM (p13tD)

120 It insists upon itself.

Posted by: Old Gay Dude in Heaven at January 10, 2011 09:33 PM (4o/Qp)

121 It needed a Samurai sword fight and The Gimp.

Posted by: eman at January 10, 2011 09:38 PM (0aJSF)

122 133 Who gives a ratfuck?

Posted by: TexasJew

 

Well, rats do give a ratfuck.  That's how they make more little rats.  Those rats.

Posted by: Reader C. J. Burch writes... at January 10, 2011 10:35 PM (sJTmU)

123 Wazyer number, Callsenner? Wutter yuh wearin?

Posted by: drunken dialer at January 11, 2011 12:23 AM (SwkdU)

124 True Grit >>>>>>> All I can contribute here.

Posted by: CAC at January 11, 2011 12:27 AM (lV4Fs)

125 I've read that Black Swan has women in it but from this post I'm not so sure.

Posted by: goldbricker esq at January 11, 2011 12:34 AM (h2t8r)

126 Ebert does a commentary on the Dark City DVD (at least the one I saw years ago). it's actually pretty damn good.

Posted by: whatever at January 11, 2011 12:57 AM (oqAsw)

127 http://www.breitbart.tv/twitter-users-wish-death-on-sarah-palin/

Posted by: Sock Puppet 5000 at January 11, 2011 01:01 AM (W58PC)

128 Jimmy: When I was eight, my dad had me get a circumcision to minimalize air resistance.

You laugh,

But I can testify, I cut 3/10ths of a second in the quarter-mile, simply by circumcising my '54 Chevy.

Posted by: franksalterego at January 11, 2011 02:46 AM (qvaB9)

129 I agree with the guy or gal who remarked here that Microsoft's "Windows 7" is the shittiest software that was ever put on the market. Microsoft's people have to be real scumbags to have released that shitty software. It wasn't even debugged  and it is so primitive and there are so many tasks that it can't perform that it is a complete waste off money. Their ads for that software are a baldface lie. Microsoft's CEO Bill Gates is a lazy, sloppy, sleazy and careless asshole and a liar.

Posted by: Brian at January 11, 2011 03:28 AM (sYrWB)

130 There is a certain "moronic" sickness to this dual review. FIGURE SKATING - "...the dark heart of the sport and the hidden turmoils within those who practice it". Thanks for the laughs after a couple of days in which there weren't many, if any.

Posted by: RM at January 11, 2011 03:52 AM (GkYyh)

131 I know people who saw it and they say it is a psychological study more than anything else.  They also say that Natalie Portman is going to win the oscar for her performance.

Posted by: curious at January 11, 2011 05:05 AM (p302b)

132 But was the lesbo stuff hawt? That's all I care about.

Posted by: ol_dirty_/b/tard at January 11, 2011 06:03 AM (IoUF1)

133 Ace, I think I know why Season of the Witch is so derided, but it would be spoilers to say why.  It wasn't great, or even all that good, but it wasn't any worse than standard movie action-adventure junk.  Worst in 10 years?  No way. 




Posted by: shillelagh at January 11, 2011 06:22 AM (Oz4Bj)

134 A more appropriate title for this massively, uninteresting, predictable turd from the anus that is Hollywood is "Burnt Turkey".  The only role Natalie Portman is suited to play in a film is as a coat of paint drying on a wall. 

Posted by: Doctor Simplicity at January 11, 2011 06:24 AM (Fs5+k)

135 It's even closer to Roman Polanski's Repulsion. The problem with these kinds of movies is that they're very predictable. The main character either dies or goes insane at the end. Blades of Glory breaks the mold, adding to its brilliance.

Posted by: moviegique at January 11, 2011 09:07 AM (1y5Vr)

136 ROTFLMAO!!!
Ace, you da man! I haven't laughed this hard in days.
And yeah, I own "Blades of Glory" and have watched it more times than I care to admit.

Posted by: Kathy from Kansas at January 11, 2011 09:35 AM (yJlU8)

Posted by: Tibia at January 11, 2011 12:14 PM (R/42U)

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