Ace of Spades HQ

September 23, 2011

"They Put Bottles In My Anus:" One Jihadi's Tearful, Sexy Tale
— Ace

Apparently this is a jihadi video, intended to incite other jihadis, and warn them that if they are captured by the Infidel, the unbelievers will put bottles in their anuses.

So, you don't want that.

Or... do you...?

I have a feeling that Hadji the Jihadi Comic will be making an appearance.

Thanks to Chip.

Posted by: Ace at 09:48 AM | Comments (218)
Post contains 77 words, total size 1 kb.

1
These muslims are the world's anus.

Posted by: Soothsayer at September 23, 2011 09:51 AM (sqkOB)

2 Two jihadists, 1 bottle.

Posted by: lorien1973 at September 23, 2011 09:52 AM (usXZy)

3 It's either bottles in anuses or water up the nose. You pick.

Posted by: EC at September 23, 2011 09:52 AM (GQ8sn)

want to make joke...can't...better judgement winning out..

Posted by: Ben at September 23, 2011 09:52 AM (wuv1c)

5 ....and so ends the mystery of the missing bottles................

Posted by: phoenixgirl work computer at September 23, 2011 09:52 AM (IpiZb)

6 So which end do they use? I don't mean the bottles.

Posted by: Roy at September 23, 2011 09:52 AM (VndSC)

7 En Fuego!

Posted by: that guy that shouts en fuego! at September 23, 2011 09:53 AM (GTbGH)

8 Bottles and cans, just clap your hands, just clap your hands...

WHERE IT'S AT!!!!!

Posted by: EC at September 23, 2011 09:54 AM (GQ8sn)

9
This jihadi would make a great husband for the gay man who shouted "Your mother's a whore!" to Bristol Palin.

Posted by: Soothsayer at September 23, 2011 09:54 AM (sqkOB)

10 well, if they would rather have a cruise missile....

Posted by: pitchforksandpowder at September 23, 2011 09:54 AM (qxIgK)

11 Hadji was the master jeani(sp?) On I Dream of Jeannie

Posted by: ParisParamus at September 23, 2011 09:54 AM (bN5ZU)

12 Again I ask ... how do you say "go f*** yourself" in Yiddish?

Posted by: Honey Badger at September 23, 2011 09:55 AM (GvYeG)

13 Come for the infidel murder, stay for the infidel sex. It's a win-win for them.

Posted by: MissTammy at September 23, 2011 09:55 AM (SsG4J)

14 Why did he pick "bottles"?

Freudian slip...in jihadiland they can't afford real dildos.

Posted by: Norton at September 23, 2011 09:55 AM (jcAPC)

15 Only if the bottle is already broken into big pointy pieces.

Posted by: dogfish at September 23, 2011 09:55 AM (NuPNl)

16 Itth mothtwy twue. I wath in pwithon with him.

But it wathn't a bottle.

Posted by: Barney Frank at September 23, 2011 09:55 AM (5Rurq)

17 Wait. So I'm not supposed to put bottles in my anus?

Posted by: Andrew Sullivan at September 23, 2011 09:55 AM (usXZy)

18 Wishful thinking?

Posted by: nerdygirl at September 23, 2011 09:56 AM (tQFhY)

19 A good friend of mine had a rather prurient interest in this. We explored the issue in private.

Posted by: Kal Penn at September 23, 2011 09:56 AM (AZGON)

20 No no no! I won't talk. I don't care about waterboard....

But, I might talk if you put a small animal in a bottle and the shoved that up my ass...

No promises!

Just saying it might work....

Posted by: Barry at September 23, 2011 09:56 AM (y0VOX)

21 Massaged with a bottle...

Posted by: Sting (much) at September 23, 2011 09:56 AM (WCm02)

22 Was he hoping for a randy goat?

Posted by: nerdygirl at September 23, 2011 09:56 AM (tQFhY)

23 This is why there are no homosexuals in Iran.

Posted by: I'm in a New York state of mind at September 23, 2011 09:56 AM (4sQwu)

24 These guys hate bottles!

Posted by: MostlyRight at September 23, 2011 09:57 AM (ZG8Ti)

25 It's a "don't throw me in the briar patch" thing, designed for the next time he's captured.

Posted by: hudson duster at September 23, 2011 09:57 AM (nFtfX)

26 Did this start out as one of those "Dear Penthouse" letters?

Posted by: nerdygirl at September 23, 2011 09:57 AM (tQFhY)

27 Barry at September 23, 2011 01:56 PM (y0VOX)

Dibs!

Posted by: Richard Gere at September 23, 2011 09:57 AM (usXZy)

28 How many Palis does it take to screw in a light bulb ... ?

Posted by: Honey Badger at September 23, 2011 09:57 AM (GvYeG)

29 One if by land. Two if by sea.

Doesn't mean what you think it means.

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 09:57 AM (OhYCU)

30 And he didn't even buy me dinner! Sob!

Posted by: jihadi at September 23, 2011 09:58 AM (tQFhY)

31 I like the one scene where they're spraying the Jihadi with lemon Pledge.

Posted by: LeBron Steinman at September 23, 2011 09:58 AM (TQy0T)

32 Why do you think we call it "the pokey" anyway, numbnuts?

Posted by: Andy at September 23, 2011 09:58 AM (5Rurq)

33 Dude, I have Michelle insert a bottle in my anus every morning before breakfast. It really helps with praying the gay away.

Posted by: Marcus Bachmann at September 23, 2011 09:59 AM (nxptv)

34 Can we boo this guy?

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 09:59 AM (OhYCU)

35 The White House was turned upside down today, as the presidential gerbil came up missing after a CAIR conference.

Jay Carney was quoted as saying, "Good Grief, not again."

Posted by: Barry at September 23, 2011 09:59 AM (y0VOX)

36 what a country! in my country, we put anus in bottle! Call it vodka dark!

Posted by: yakov Smirnoff at September 23, 2011 09:59 AM (T1boi)

37 Better bottles than things that 'splode.

Posted by: dogfish at September 23, 2011 09:59 AM (NuPNl)

anyone else here watching Netanyahu tearing the UN another one?

damn, that man is GOOD.

Posted by: pitchforksandpowder at September 23, 2011 09:59 AM (qxIgK)

39 how depraved that infidels would put a bottle in a place that's normally reserved for their fellow jihadi's dicks.

Posted by: bannor at September 23, 2011 10:00 AM (6AXh/)

40 He never got to his feelings on a Balanced Budget Amendment.

Posted by: ontherocks at September 23, 2011 10:00 AM (HBqDo)

41 message in a bottle?

srsly i have nothing it's just yick.

Posted by: willow at September 23, 2011 10:00 AM (h+qn8)

42 Oh thank Allah!

Posted by: All middle Eastern goats at September 23, 2011 10:00 AM (X6akg)

43 Bibi is phenomenal!

Posted by: Jypsea Rose at September 23, 2011 10:00 AM (A4C5M)

44 Is it considered torture if they use petroleum jelly?

Posted by: nerdygirl at September 23, 2011 10:01 AM (tQFhY)

45 They put bottles in your anus! And then they bring falafels and sheep! It's para -- [SIGNAL LOST]

Posted by: Hadji Ackspitfurball at September 23, 2011 10:01 AM (RD7QR)

46 They LIKE the bottles, STAY AWAY from the bottles

Posted by: Navin R. Johnson at September 23, 2011 10:01 AM (136wp)

47 Okay, I'd better stop or I'm going to hell.

Posted by: nerdygirl at September 23, 2011 10:01 AM (tQFhY)

48 Sounds awesome!

Posted by: Fag Who Called Bristol's Mom a Whore at September 23, 2011 10:01 AM (Xm1aB)

49 going back to last post

Posted by: willow at September 23, 2011 10:01 AM (h+qn8)

50 I had an Iranian roommate in college way back in the days of the Shah. He told me a joke about this in which the Shah's secret police SAVAK allegedly tortured dissidents in this fashion. It's wasn't exactly a knee-slapper so perhaps it's just as well that I can't remember the entire joke. The punchline was that you should request Coke so you can get some relief pursuant to the 36-24-36 shape of the bottle.

P.S. I won't quit my day job.

Posted by: WalrusRex at September 23, 2011 10:01 AM (Hx5uv)

51
Why wasn't he thrown out of the bar?

If you own or manage a bar and some creepy old gay dude is shouting "Your mother's a whore" to other patrons, wouldn't you tell him to leave?

Posted by: Soothsayer at September 23, 2011 10:01 AM (sqkOB)

52 It's the old Kids in the Hall.

Aliens are randomly probing men's anuses and about 10% of them like it.

Then again, if these are Pashtun jihadis, that percentage is quite a bit higher.

They call them Pashtun cuz they like their shit pushed-in.

Posted by: King Friday at September 23, 2011 10:01 AM (g0AWn)

53 One-in-a-millon shot Dr. Abdullah!

Posted by: Hamid Costanza at September 23, 2011 10:01 AM (+lsX1)

54 That jihadi says it as if he didn't enjoy it.

Posted by: KG at September 23, 2011 10:01 AM (LD21B)

55 In Soviet America, anus bottle you.

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 10:02 AM (OhYCU)

56 It's called "Aisha's Revenge".

Posted by: Breaker19 at September 23, 2011 10:02 AM (WCm02)

57 So they put this bottle in my anus, right?

And didn't even rub my balls while they did it.

Infidels.

Posted by: Jihadi at September 23, 2011 10:02 AM (usXZy)

58 Go Bibster ... tell them all to "go f*** themselves" ... in Yiddish!!

Posted by: Honey Badger at September 23, 2011 10:02 AM (GvYeG)

59 Certainly this is a joke. I am still laughing. by the way :

23 Massaged with a bottle...

PRICELESS!!!

Posted by: haavamaal at September 23, 2011 10:02 AM (3032/)

60 We should be leaving them where we find them, mostly. I mean, some can bring their anuses with them, but mostly we should just blow their asses off and leave them there for the buzzards. Really, very sorry about the torture boyz, but that is just one more reason that you should all stay the f* home and tend to your goats.

Posted by: Errol at September 23, 2011 10:02 AM (vewos)

61 They only gave us one cup!

Posted by: Two Jihadettes at September 23, 2011 10:02 AM (xvZW9)

62 He stopped complaining when they pointed the bottles toward Mecca.

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 10:03 AM (OhYCU)

63 "anyone else here watching Netanyahu tearing the UN another one? damn, that man is GOOD. " Kind of makes you wish WE had a leader with balls, doesn't it?

Posted by: nerdygirl at September 23, 2011 10:04 AM (tQFhY)

64 Where do I sign up ?

Posted by: Richad G at September 23, 2011 10:04 AM (2cfUo)

65 If it was a bottle of Milwaukee's Best , it's torture going in either end.

Posted by: LeBron Steinman at September 23, 2011 10:04 AM (TQy0T)

66 The Team America solution (instead of using a d*ck). Definitely NSFW! You've been warned!

http://tinyurl.com/2us67zp

Posted by: The Robot Devil at September 23, 2011 10:04 AM (136wp)

67 The next time I see Muslims praying at the Ground Zero Mosque, I will think it's a big vending room.

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 10:05 AM (OhYCU)

68 Kind of makes you wish WE had a leader with balls, doesn't it?

Hey, what about me!

Posted by: Hillary Clinton at September 23, 2011 10:05 AM (136wp)

69 Don't Bitch, some people pay big money for that. If I could vote for Bibi for POTUS, I would.

Posted by: Oldsailor's poet at September 23, 2011 10:05 AM (ZDUD4)

Go Bibster ... tell them all to "go f*** themselves" ... in Yiddish!!

better to have bad press, than good eulogy = i think he just did

Posted by: pitchforksandpowder at September 23, 2011 10:05 AM (qxIgK)

71 If it's 2 liter bottles, I'm in.

Posted by: Barney F at September 23, 2011 10:06 AM (2cfUo)

72 Waiting for Bibi to throw down the "FYNQ"!!!!!

Posted by: Honey Badger at September 23, 2011 10:06 AM (GvYeG)

♫ Message in the bottle

Posted by: CanaDave ---Say Yes to the Keystone Pipeline--- at September 23, 2011 10:06 AM (T3vxL)

74 Looks like he got a swirley, too (the line drawings, about 1:50).

Posted by: CUS at September 23, 2011 10:06 AM (84pE9)

75 I don't always insert beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 10:06 AM (OhYCU)

76 I can see the 12th Imam!

Posted by: Wait, it's a bottle, not a proctoscope at September 23, 2011 10:06 AM (tq6K2)

77
Remember going to a CARNIVAL when you were a kid and winning one of those stretched-out COKE bottles?

Posted by: soothsayerwing plover at September 23, 2011 10:06 AM (sqkOB)

Kind of makes you wish WE had a leader with balls, doesn't it?

i see what you did, there.

Posted by: pitchforksandpowder at September 23, 2011 10:08 AM (qxIgK)

79 Reminds me of the bear-hunting joke.

"Admit it. You're not in this for the hunting, are you?"

Posted by: Meiczyslaw at September 23, 2011 10:08 AM (bjRNS)

80 80 ... so that explains SO much ...

Posted by: Honey Badger at September 23, 2011 10:08 AM (GvYeG)

81
We (or our older siblings) all had at least one of those bottles but none of us have one now.

Weird, ya? Where'd they all go? What happened to all those stretched-out Coke bottles?

Posted by: soothsayerwing plover at September 23, 2011 10:08 AM (sqkOB)

82 Well, that sure attracked my attention.

Posted by: FireHorse at September 23, 2011 10:08 AM (F5OMl)

83 Happy Folsom St. Fair weekend, beardo. Take it up the ass like a good Muslim.

Posted by: SFGoth at September 23, 2011 10:09 AM (dZ756)

84 If you return the Jihadi, do you get back a 10 cent deposit?

Posted by: LeBron Steinman at September 23, 2011 10:09 AM (TQy0T)

I'm in charge of questioning detaniees

Posted by: Fatty Arbuckle at September 23, 2011 10:09 AM (2cfUo)

86 So that's where my bottle ended up...

Posted by: Linda Lovelace at September 23, 2011 10:09 AM (90BnA)

87 This may backfire on them. We may see streams of Arab terrorists banging on the walls of Gitmo to get in....

Posted by: The Robot Devil at September 23, 2011 10:10 AM (136wp)

88 Is Team America this generations Hamlet? I'm thinkin so.

Posted by: Oldsailor's poet at September 23, 2011 10:11 AM (ZDUD4)

89 The thing that got me is his constant reference to lectures. It's almost as if he's saynig, "oh, sure, they did the usual bottles-in-the-anus-thing.....but during sweeps week!!!!!"

Posted by: cthulhu at September 23, 2011 10:11 AM (kaalw)

90 If you return the Jihadi, do you get back a 10 cent deposit?

You get more if you look in there for the Hilo, HI stamp.

/ old guys will know what I'm talkin about.

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 10:11 AM (OhYCU)

91 Under a Ron Paul presidency, the world can rest assured that these types of bottle stuffing foreign adventures will cease. Don't we have enough of our own anuses to stuff with bottles?

Posted by: Hamid Costanza at September 23, 2011 10:12 AM (+lsX1)

♫ 99 bottles of beer on the wall

♫ 99 bottles of beer

♫ take one one down, ...

Posted by: Infidel in Utah at September 23, 2011 10:12 AM (90BnA)

93
Today's song is from 1978.

Cheap Trick, everyone!

♪ Mommy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird
♪ Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away

Posted by: wolfman soothsayer at September 23, 2011 10:13 AM (sqkOB)

Why wasn't he thrown out of the bar?

'Cause of the television cameras.

(Wrong thread, by the way. But stick around. Hadji should be taking the stage any minute.)

Posted by: FireHorse at September 23, 2011 10:14 AM (F5OMl)

95
Bottles? amateurs. Me? I'd be putting my steel-toed boot up your ass. Or on you neck. Your call, Jihadi Joe.

Posted by: I R A Darth Aggie © at September 23, 2011 10:14 AM (1hM1d)

96 Gives a whole new meaning to the game "Spin the Bottle"

Posted by: Infidel in Utah at September 23, 2011 10:14 AM (90BnA)

97
yeah, you're right, the cameras were for the drama

Posted by: soothsayer at September 23, 2011 10:15 AM (sqkOB)

98 Now they know how the goats and camels feel. Ha

Posted by: julie at September 23, 2011 10:15 AM (O/fK8)

99
This feels like 1978, kinda.

Posted by: soothsayer at September 23, 2011 10:16 AM (sqkOB)

100 If it was, say, a Tabasco bottle, there might be a legitimate reason for this type of interrogation technique. But I don't think you can justify a 40 oz. Olde English bottle. You can probably draw the line somewhere around a Lucky Lager stubby.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at September 23, 2011 10:16 AM (+lsX1)

101 "anyone else here watching Netanyahu tearing the UN another one?
damn, that man is GOOD. "

The only man who ever dressed down Obama to his face, and it was awesome to watch.

Posted by: Bevel Lemelisk at September 23, 2011 10:16 AM (FkKjr)

102 I'd like to buy the world a coke....then shove the bottle directly up it's ass

Posted by: lib at September 23, 2011 10:16 AM (2cfUo)

103 Bottles are haram.

Posted by: A Jihdi With A Can Up His Ass at September 23, 2011 10:17 AM (nj1bB)

104 Hey, where's that guy go? He told us he would be ready for the shoot after he took care of some prep work for this scene.

Posted by: A Camel, A Donkey, and a Video Camera at September 23, 2011 10:17 AM (L7dbw)

105 104, No shit, muzzies ass raping boys is as much a part of the rural culture as the prayer rug.

Posted by: Oldsailor's poet at September 23, 2011 10:17 AM (ZDUD4)

106 Mickeys...Saint Ides....24 oz Budweiser? what kinda fucking bottle are we talking about?

Posted by: Mr. Pink at September 23, 2011 10:17 AM (B0ebt)

107

If I could save time in a bottle,

The first second thing, that I'd do to you......

Posted by: Blue Hen at September 23, 2011 10:18 AM (6rX0K)

108 Seriously, they even used K-Y jelly, I mean you can't beat it!

Posted by: Hadji Ackspitfurball at September 23, 2011 10:18 AM (RD7QR)

109 And here I thought you were just happy to see me.

Posted by: Vashta Nerada at September 23, 2011 10:19 AM (ItDg4)

110 We are uncomfortable with this topic ...

Posted by: Gardisil Chimps at September 23, 2011 10:19 AM (GvYeG)

111 When i die, I get 72 shiny new untouched bottles

Posted by: jeee haaad at September 23, 2011 10:19 AM (2cfUo)

112 I like this. The more they try to "inflame" the Muslim world with horror stories of Gitmo, the more Gitmo actually serves as a deterrent.

Posted by: Rusty Nail at September 23, 2011 10:19 AM (HwE/1)

113 As part of our new, 'Do Tell' policy, we aim to embrace this. The policy...not the bottle.

Posted by: Adm Mullen at September 23, 2011 10:20 AM (6rX0K)

114 LOOOOOONG Neck bottle, let go of my gland.

Posted by: Oldsailor's poet at September 23, 2011 10:20 AM (ZDUD4)

115
hahahaha, guess what I just saw on google when I typed in Jimmy Carter 1978?

TIME's cover from October 2, 1978

/pic of Carter

Carter's Breakthrough

Posted by: soothsayer at September 23, 2011 10:20 AM (sqkOB)

116 So much for the nickel deposit.

Posted by: Blue Hen at September 23, 2011 10:21 AM (6rX0K)

117 Now you know why RageBoy was always so... well enraged.

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 10:21 AM (OhYCU)

118 This reminded me of the "I sort glass...that's my job...I started out slow..but now I know by heart" commercial for the Association for Retarded Citizens Don't throw us away!

Posted by: Mr. Pink at September 23, 2011 10:21 AM (B0ebt)

119
Empty Kosher wine bottle- ten cents
Pork fat to grease it up- one cent
Resulting ecstatic call to prayer- the most beautiful sound I've ever heard!

Posted by: B. Hussein Obottle at September 23, 2011 10:22 AM (gppu7)

120
holy shit, this is eery.
Can history repeat itself?

"It was a born-again presidency for Jimmy Carter. After months of discouraging setbacks, a steady decline in the polls and increasingly open disdain from members of his own party, the President was exuberantly on the move, roving from New Jersey to the Carolinas to the Middle West. Everywhere he went, crowds turned out and cheered him for his historic success at the Middle East summit talks at Camp David, and those ringing cheers were backed up by new polls that showed him making dramatic gains in the past week. According to a CBS survey, popular approval of his Administration climbed from 38% in June to 51% last week, while a Gallup poll rose from 39% in August to 56%."

Posted by: soothsayer at September 23, 2011 10:23 AM (sqkOB)

121

Allah's wind chimes.

Posted by: Definitely Anonymous at September 23, 2011 10:23 AM (5aWTl)

122 Help. help, help, MASTER!!! get me out of this Muzztards ASS!

Posted by: I dream of Jeanie, Genie at September 23, 2011 10:24 AM (ZDUD4)

123

Infidels, with their alcohol and their whore women without headscarves. Huh, am I right? Yeah? Am I right?

Haaaaa! It's always interesting being half Dutch and half Jihadi. My mother, from Holland, always have the family over. She buy the miniature Heineken kegs; much, much godless imbibing. And afterwards, my father take the keg, say he do the jihad with it. He say, he doesn't drink because is forbidden in Koran, but OV Splits doesn't do it for him any more.

Yeah? Am I right?

Posted by: Yoos Vander Yoos (Hadji's warm-up act) at September 23, 2011 10:25 AM (F5OMl)

124

Dude, seriously?

If I was captured by Jihadis, and they stuck bottles in my anus, you better believe I wouldn't be telling anyone about it after I was rescued.

"Bottles in my anus? Nope, never happened. Don't know nothing about that. Guys were pretty cool. We just talked about Jihadi U vs Cal State U and how the admissions process was a bitch no matter where you went.

Don't know anything about any bottles. No sir."

Posted by: ed at September 23, 2011 10:25 AM (Y2WVW)

125 It would seem sharia law is a little hazy on the hole recycling thing.

Posted by: ontherocks at September 23, 2011 10:25 AM (HBqDo)

126

anyone else here watching Netanyahu tearing the UN another one?

damn, that man is GOOD.

Posted by: pitchforksandpowder at September 23, 2011 01:59 PM (qxIgK)

Where does he stand on illegal immigration and Obamacare? We might have a winner....

Posted by: Jollyroger at September 23, 2011 10:25 AM (NCw5u)

127 Help. help, help, MASTER!!! get me out of this Muzztards ASS!

Posted by: I dream of Jeanie, Genie

That is one lamp that I shall NEVER rub.

Posted by: Maj. Half Nelson at September 23, 2011 10:26 AM (6rX0K)

128 "If you find something you think may be a piece of UARS, do not touch it. Contact a local law enforcement official for assistance." This is especially important if the space junk looks anything like a bottle, just to be safe.

Posted by: Errol at September 23, 2011 10:26 AM (vewos)

129 Black bottle!

Posted by: 7th Earl of Cardigan at September 23, 2011 10:26 AM (HjPtV)

130 Genie: "OK, OK. Stop rubbing already. Turn the lights on"

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 10:26 AM (OhYCU)

131 It would seem sharia law is a little hazy on the hole recycling thing.

ISWYDT

Posted by: toby928™ at September 23, 2011 10:27 AM (GTbGH)

132 The guy that yelled at Bristol Palin has a new group of friends to hang with.

Posted by: The Drizzle at September 23, 2011 10:27 AM (ysCLj)

133 It would seem sharia law is a little hazy on the hole recycling thing.

Posted by: ontherocks \

Kawasaki!!!! Kawasaki!!!!

Posted by: you hadda be there at September 23, 2011 10:27 AM (6rX0K)

134 It may be the accent but I think he said 'they put super models on us'. I'm going with that.

Posted by: polynikes - Texan for Romney at September 23, 2011 10:27 AM (Z6fyp)

135 Maybe a bottle in my ass will help my debate performance?

Posted by: Rick Perry at September 23, 2011 10:27 AM (usXZy)

136

i just heard from somebody who heard it from another who "could" be close to someone who heard the obamas are divorcing. seems that m'chell is tired of doing all the lifting and babblin barryriding around on that girly bike so she wants out. i think the quote that was overheard at the mesquite bar was"damn barry, palin is getten more black dudes than me!...."

can't be hunnerd purrcnent sure but it seems babblin barry likes to go out at night for a wine cooler and have it shoved in his anus.

just a rumor...pass it on as truth, yours BIGUS DIKKUSS

Posted by: bigus dikus at September 23, 2011 10:27 AM (n0C4a)

137 I'm a genie in a bottle, baby
Come, come, come and let me out

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 10:27 AM (OhYCU)

138 Dear Penthouse Forum, The door moved slowly, creaking slightly as it opened inward. My pulse quickened as the drop dead gorgeous man enterted. He was well over 6ft, well muscled, and to my delight had one arm!!! It was always my fantasy to do it with an amputee, and here I was about to make it happen! Needless to say when I noticed he was holding a 40 oz bottle of Saint Ides...I was instantly hard. (idea stolen shamelessly from 12

Posted by: Mohammed Fuktata at September 23, 2011 10:29 AM (B0ebt)

139

If I could save time in a bottle,

The first second thing, that I'd do to you......

^{*in best Dr. Hook voice*}

"That was beautiful, man."

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, Tea Party SOB at September 23, 2011 10:30 AM (d0Tfm)

140 What? We don't shove bottles up their anuses? When did we stop doing that?

Posted by: Hussein the Plumber at September 23, 2011 10:30 AM (jx2j9)

141 i just heard from somebody who heard it from another who "could" be close to someone who heard the

So I'm 5th generation don't give a F* then?

Posted by: MikeTheMoose Camellia Sinensis Operative at September 23, 2011 10:31 AM (0q2P7)

142 Dear Penthouse Forum,

The door moved slowly, creaking slightly as it opened inward. My pulse quickened as the drop dead gorgeous man enterted. He was well over 6ft, well muscled, and to my delight had one arm!!! It was always my fantasy to do it with an amputee, and here I was about to make it happen! Needless to say when I noticed he was holding a 40 oz bottle of Saint Ides...I was instantly hard.

(idea stolen shamelessly from 12

Posted by: Mohammed Fuktata

And when my long, forbidden fanatsy was at long last about to be fulfilled, I realized something...

He hadn't removed the cap.

Posted by: swimsuit edition of the Lancet at September 23, 2011 10:31 AM (6rX0K)

143 He couldn't just say "I fell on it" like everyone else?

Posted by: 29Victor at September 23, 2011 10:31 AM (ES9R7)

144
This next song is from 1980.
REO Fagwagon, everyone!

♪ Heard it from a friend who
Heard it from a friend who
Heard it from another you been messin' around

Posted by: wolfman soothsayer at September 23, 2011 10:32 AM (sqkOB)

145 Hey Bob. Wait. The instructions say "bottle rockets", not "bottles".

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 10:32 AM (OhYCU)

146 And I'm not changing the name of my dog either.

Posted by: Hussein the Plumber at September 23, 2011 10:32 AM (jx2j9)

147 If they just filmed this and put it on MTV they could be millionaires.

Posted by: Steve-O at September 23, 2011 10:33 AM (B0ebt)

148

Posted by: ed at September 23, 2011 02:25 PM (Y2WVW)

cont: "What? Medical exam? Naw, no thanks. I'm cool. No need for that. Certainly no need for me to take my pants off.

I'm just gonna go home and take a shower, OK?"

Seriously, you would't see me wailing and cauterwauling about this later on Bill O'Reily or Sean Hannity's show.

I don't care how much it would do for the war effort.

That shit stays under wraps.

Posted by: ed at September 23, 2011 10:33 AM (Y2WVW)

149 That's your anus? Sorry. Flip him over, Bob.

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 10:33 AM (OhYCU)

150 It seems his chief complaint was that the bottles in his ass were distracting him from paying attention to the lectures.

Posted by: Sgt. York at September 23, 2011 10:33 AM (B6nJc)

151 If you aren't moved by this man's agony, you don't have a heart!

Posted by: Rick Perry at September 23, 2011 10:34 AM (mQMnK)

152 ObamaCare para 12, section 3 "Insert bottles in anus for exam..."

Read it wingnuts.

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 10:34 AM (OhYCU)

153

Hadji! Hadji! Hadji! Hadji! Hadji!

Everybody now...

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, Tea Party SOB at September 23, 2011 10:34 AM (d0Tfm)

154 Why I was just talking to one of the gitmo guards the other day and he said that after a meal of beans, those guys start passing gas and it sounds like a polka festival.

He's from Minnesota... said it made him homesick.

Posted by: Hussein the Plumber at September 23, 2011 10:34 AM (jx2j9)

155 If we lined up, end to end, all of the bottles in existance, how many times would it circle the earth before it would end up in a muzzie's ass?

Posted by: Soona - Tearorrist at September 23, 2011 10:35 AM (UnAol)

156 If you aren't moved by this man's agony, you don't have a heart!

Posted by: Rick Perry

I have as much heart as he has colon.

Or,

I found his story moving, but not quite the way you expect.

Posted by: Blue Hen at September 23, 2011 10:35 AM (6rX0K)

157 I'm transferring to Disney
- Bandit

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 10:36 AM (OhYCU)

158
Clank-clank Warriors...come out to play! clank-clank Warriors...come out to play! clank-clank

Posted by: Gang Banging at September 23, 2011 10:36 AM (gppu7)

159 That's not true! Although the guard asked me to give him a sleeve job........

Posted by: Bottles, Mudhead's Crazy Hopped-Up Girlfriend at September 23, 2011 10:36 AM (2PTT7)

160 >>So I'm 5th generation don't give a F* then?
Posted by: MikeTheMoose Camellia Sinensis Operative at September 23, 2011 02:31 PM (0q2P7)

Those groups generally die out before they get to the 5th.
_{Too bad the same thing didn't happen to the honchos @ Solyndra.}

Posted by: ontherocks at September 23, 2011 10:36 AM (HBqDo)

161

Hadji! Hadji! Hadji! Hadji! Hadji!

Everybody now...

Hadji! Hadj! Tell us how spin the bottle should be played!

Posted by: Blue Hen at September 23, 2011 10:37 AM (6rX0K)

162 That's covered in the AQ medical plan ... right???

Posted by: Honey Badger at September 23, 2011 10:37 AM (GvYeG)

163 I'm guessing that he had a really bad case of constipation, so they stuck an enema bottle up his backside.

Posted by: John P. Squibob at September 23, 2011 10:37 AM (qRYS3)

164 That's covered in the AQ medical plan ... right???

Posted by: Honey Badger

Dunno. But vaulting a toll booth barrier with a car and trying to drive it away after it catches fire is covered under the AoSHQ ladies health care plan.

Posted by: Blue Hen at September 23, 2011 10:39 AM (6rX0K)

165 171 I'm guessing that he had a really bad case of constipation, so they stuck an enema bottle up his backside. Posted by: John P. Squibob at September 23, 2011 02:37 PM (qRYS3) Hey, that's what you get for not eating your bacon.

Posted by: joncelli at September 23, 2011 10:39 AM (RD7QR)

166 "The answer to life's problems are not at the bottom of a bottle"

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 10:39 AM (OhYCU)

167

So I have this Moroccan friend, right? He knows some Americans, and he lets slip that he knows things, that the Yankee pig-dogs told him something. I know, right? So word gets out and they take him to the torture center. They work him over pretty good, and finally he breakes, tells the interrogators everything. So they let him go.

On his way out, he says to the interrogator, "I might know more stuff later this week, so keep 2:00 open on Thursday."

I know, right?

Posted by: Yoos Vander Yoos (Hadji's warm-up act) at September 23, 2011 10:40 AM (F5OMl)

168 That's nothing; in my country they put a hookah in you anus, -- and then they light it!

Posted by: Habib the lesser known comic at September 23, 2011 10:41 AM (FabC8)

169 You know how they do statistics on who searches for what via google by region? (like "aminal porn" is a big hit in the middle east) I wonder who's trying to find Tamaarah right now?

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of Lonely Unicorns at September 23, 2011 10:42 AM (bxiXv)

170 Apparently, the word koozie doesn't translate into Arabic properly.

Posted by: Vashta Nerada at September 23, 2011 10:42 AM (ItDg4)

171
That's covered in the AQ medical plan ... right???

Depends^Â™.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at September 23, 2011 10:43 AM (QMtmy)

172 "They Put Bottles In My Anus" I Got Blisters On Me Fingers!

Posted by: PR at September 23, 2011 10:44 AM (8a0kZ)

173

Hadji! Hadji! Hadji! Hadji! Hadji!

Everybody now...

I know, I know, Hadji should be taking the stage shortly.

So, hey! One of my Moroccan buddies was walking down the street the other day. He was carrying a pole with a potato stuck on one end. I said, "What's with the pole and the potato?"

He said, "Bottle broke in a guy's anus. This is the safest way to get it out."

I know, right?

There's a Russian ship moored in the port. Of course the Americans their selling nuclear weapons. I think the ship is full of potatoes!

Hey, thanks! You've been a great audience.

Posted by: Yoos Vander Yoos (Hadji's warm-up act) at September 23, 2011 10:46 AM (F5OMl)

174
Hadji goes to Dr. Arafat for a checkup

"I gotta take your temperature, rectally"

"That thermometer sure is big, Doc"

"That's not a thermometer"

"Okay, but there better be numbers on that thing"

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at September 23, 2011 10:47 AM (6BvaE)

175 Guy should have kept the bottles idea quiet.
Where I come from there would be volunteers lining up to give him six pack butt.

Posted by: ontherocks at September 23, 2011 10:47 AM (HBqDo)

176 This is just the Coors Light Gay-Bar Exam

Posted by: cherry pi, terrorist hostage taking SOB at September 23, 2011 10:50 AM (OhYCU)

177 Unfortunately he was referring to Pepsi Liter Bottles.

Posted by: Bill Mitchell at September 23, 2011 10:51 AM (uVlA4)

178 ~ tap tap tap tap tap ~ This microphone? But it is all sweaty from the previous Hadjis? Just use it? Did they hold it with the left land or the right hand? You don't know. Terrific. The things Hadji does in the name of Comedy. What? No, I do not want any bottled water. And so ... Hadji is just come back from a visiting of your America and boy is my asshole stretched. It is true ... I attempted to eat one of your McDonalds SuperSized value meals all at once and Hadji was bereft of stool for days. I felt like a camel with a turban in its nether regions. But Hadji is all better now. Did you hear the one about the Muslim Freedom Fighter Who Took a Shower While Working In the Bottled Water Factory? He slipped three times ... an hour. That ... that was torture, my friends. I received my copy of "Infidel Slaughtering Monthly" -- it is sent by mail, your US Postal Service, it is very good - Goatse has joined our struggle. He is helping instruct the brethren on how to defeat your American terrorist running-dog tactics. Your wine bottles and water bottles and other bottles will soon be no match for our lower intestines. You will have to build a bigger bottle, America. Speaking of which, Andrew Sullivan is writing a guest column on the enmuscling of the hamstrings. When you kneel five times per day, you do not want to pull a "hammie" or - as we Muslim fitness men say "let a jew incapacitate you" Hadji is lookig forward to the next issue. Well - Hadji has learned that he must always leave an audience smiling - that is, if the bomb fails to go off - so I will now make with a funny line and then let go of the button. What is a Stuttering Clusterfuck of a Miserable Failure and Repete were Sitting on a Fence - the Stuttering Clusterfuck of a Miserable Failure Fell Down so who was left? .... thank you thank you thank you. Give alms to the waitresses if you are too cheap of a bastard to give them money. Good night!

Posted by: Hadji the Muslim Comic at September 23, 2011 10:53 AM (h6mPj)

179 OK, a friend of my (currently an orthopedic surgeon) told me that he was called one time to the ER. . .

guess where this is going. . .

punchline. . .he removed an entire Snapple ice tea bottle from a guy's anus. Yeah. . .one of these: (link safe for work, by the way).

Patient was totally non-plussed. . .he said he actually been to an emergency room before for the exact same thing!

Posted by: looking closely at September 23, 2011 10:53 AM (6Q9g2)

180 The microphone, it is on? Yes. Good evening, kuffirs! Many of you have heard of the misfortunes our mujahid has suffered by having a bottle of Coca-cola placed in his rectum. Needless to say it was a misunderstanding, as only Mecca cola or Zam-Zam is allowed to the faithful. So, when he was brought in to be questioned by the infidels and they asked him if he would like a drink. Seeing the forbidden libation, he asked for one in a moment of weakness, then soon was screaming, "I said an Invader's Cola, not to Invade My Colon!" Blessings upon you, sons of apes!

Posted by: Caliphate of Jeff at September 23, 2011 10:53 AM (z/Mo8)

181 It was me. I admit it.

Posted by: Bill Clinton at September 23, 2011 10:54 AM (k4bdL)

182 Fuckin' Hadji is the suicide bomb!

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at September 23, 2011 10:56 AM (z/Mo8)

183 Unless they dress the bottle up as a pretty young boy. Then it's okay.

Posted by: Upstanding Taliban Man at September 23, 2011 10:57 AM (k4bdL)

184 Dear Penthouse, You will not believe what happened to me this morning, but it is all true...

Posted by: Johnny Jihad at September 23, 2011 10:59 AM (niZvt)

185 Doesn't the DOD have a new bomb called the BOTL (Bitchin' Ordnance, Targets Losers)?

Posted by: Wikitorix at September 23, 2011 10:59 AM (0BezK)

186 Sounds like they gave them a Bottoms Up review...

Posted by: CoolCzech at September 23, 2011 11:01 AM (niZvt)

187 rectum ??? Damn near killed him

Posted by: jeee haaad at September 23, 2011 11:02 AM (2cfUo)

188 Dear Mohammad Sharezirakal,

I nearly cursed you and your camel wives when you sent me to this land of infidels. Disgusted at the thought of sharing air with people so obsessed with bottles. Disgusted at the thought of these indecent horrible Americans.

But hours have passed by since landing in America. I take it back. These people own air conditioning, screw that hot desert. They use bathrooms instead of the darkest corner of the cave. And all of the bottles go to be recycled into more bottles. No one leaves them in their asses. They merely dispose of them and they are made into new bottles! To DRINK out of!

So yes, my dear Mohammad, I think I shall stay here. I shall not blow anything up. And I am writing this to you on my new iPhone that I purchased with the money you wanted me to use to buy bombs.

With Allah's Blessings
- Infidel in training

Posted by: Why go back to the desert? at September 23, 2011 11:02 AM (tQJlw)

189 ~ tap tap tap tap tap ~ what is that? an encore? Okay, Hadji is not due for the suicide vest fitting for another half hour. I have time, and jokes, to kill. So, Hadji was talking to my friend - the friend tells Hadji the tale of how they put bottles into the place where the bowel ends. I said "Rectum" and he said "it damn nearly killed me" Then Hadji had to ask "So why did you let yourself be captured again?" my friend, he say "You pay extra for that kind of service in town." Once in a while, when Hadji is all by himself, the thoughts of all our martyrs who have their bottoms violated by bottles over and over and over ... and over and over ... again. Hadji starts to think: Maybe it's not just about the jihad. and, good night ... Hadji must not keep the tailor waiting.

Posted by: Hadji the Muslim Comic at September 23, 2011 11:05 AM (h6mPj)

190 Ahh. The old banana in the tailpipe trick. Well played.

Posted by: Axel Foley at September 23, 2011 11:05 AM (2cfUo)

191 "No, private! You're not supposed to leave it in there! Are you trying to get us in trouble? You're supposed to use it to open the bottle!"

Posted by: Vashta Nerada at September 23, 2011 11:07 AM (ItDg4)

192 There's a joke here about Dr Pepper, but it's not emerging.

Posted by: Blue Hen at September 23, 2011 11:07 AM (6rX0K)

193

pepper upper ?

Trust me I'm a Doctor ?

Posted by: Hen Helper at September 23, 2011 11:09 AM (2cfUo)

194 As a professional interrogator at Gitmo, I would like to confirm for the jihadis that yes, we do put bottles in the anuses of your captured comrades. We start small, nail polish remover bottles, work up to the 16 oz coke, and finally graduate you to the full 2-liter (we tried a whole gallon once, but that proved unpleasant for all involved).

Anyway, it's our most successful interrogation technique. Miles beyond waterboarding. This took us by surprise, actually, as the whole thing is pretty easy to train against. A regular regimen of jamming pickle jars up the poop-chute tends to blunt the effects quite drastically. Some times I lie awake at night, tossing and turning, in fear that al-Qaeda will learn of this vulnerability, and start requiring its opperatives to cram large objects in their rectums as often as possible. God, I once came across a subject that used to have cacti rammed into his backdoor for fun. The guy simply would. not. break.

So, on behalf of all Americans, please continue giving us an edge in intelligence gathering and do not start sitting on sharpened steel pipes wrapped in barbed wire.

Posted by: JSchuler at September 23, 2011 11:10 AM (yKEQc)

195 There's a joke here about Dr Pepper, but it's not emerging.

Posted by: Blue Hen at September 23, 2011 03:07 PM (6rX0K)

I was afraid you were going to say Prairie Dog Ale.

Posted by: Vashta Nerada at September 23, 2011 11:12 AM (ItDg4)

196 The real disagreement was that alcohol bottles were used, those are haram.

Posted by: fb at September 23, 2011 11:14 AM (JVEmw)

197 That should be the caption for the next ewok photo illustration.
"Put a bottle in my anus."

Posted by: elliot m at September 23, 2011 11:17 AM (zPich)

198

#202

Awe. Some.

Posted by: speedster1 at September 23, 2011 11:22 AM (v40Bj)

199

The gods must be crazy, haji.

http://tinyurl.com/3cya8af

Posted by: Drillanwr at September 23, 2011 11:37 AM (z+Dxj)

200

Thank you, Hadji!!

No, no -- I'm just bussing tables now. This is how I supplement my pay -- a little stand-up comedy, a little bit of clearing the tables, but mostly government checks from the Netherlands.

Please, leave your glasses, ash trays, wine bottles and candles on the table. I said LEAVE IT!!! I have many Moroccan friends. I come by and clean your table soon.

Posted by: Yoos Vander Yoos (Hadji's warm-up act) at September 23, 2011 11:39 AM (F5OMl)

201

Oh, please, please, Br'er Fox, don't put that bottle in my anus!

Posted by: Br'er Jihadi at September 23, 2011 11:51 AM (1Rgee)

202 14 Again I ask ... how do you say "go f*** yourself" in Yiddish? Posted by: Honey Badger at September 23, 2011 01:55 PM (GvYeG) Vayr gehargit = Drop dead. Just as good.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at September 23, 2011 12:05 PM (UlUS4)

203

pepper upper ?

Trust me I'm a Doctor ?

Posted by: Hen Helper

These are better then mine. I was torn between:

the doctor is 'in'

say ahh

wouldn't you rather NOT be a pepper too? Then start talking.

Posted by: Blue Hen at September 23, 2011 12:06 PM (326rv)

204 who here knew that '7UP' was a measurement?

Posted by: Blue Hen at September 23, 2011 12:07 PM (326rv)

205

they put a botlle up my anus

and i cried

Posted by: leperous at September 23, 2011 12:10 PM (Q6qGS)

206 Obama is a stuttering clusterf*ck of a miserable failure.

Posted by: steevy at September 23, 2011 12:18 PM (fyOgS)

207 Better a bottle up your ass than a Hellfire missile.

Posted by: steevy at September 23, 2011 12:18 PM (fyOgS)

208

Old excuse: I fell on it in the shower.

New excuse: Infidels put it in there.

Posted by: Rich Fader at September 23, 2011 12:21 PM (SF/wy)

209

Too bad the gerbal was blocking the path.

Posted by: KLH at September 23, 2011 12:39 PM (4+tm0)

210 Homophobes.

Posted by: Leo Ladenson at September 23, 2011 12:42 PM (mAm+G)

211

. .he said he actually been to an emergency room before for the exact same thing!

Friend of mine in the local scope lab sees your Snapple Bottle and raises you a Potato Ricer.

Posted by: garrett at September 23, 2011 01:20 PM (xRx+e)

212 not all muslims are terrorists but all muslims believe in a terrorist religion

Posted by: pd at September 23, 2011 01:48 PM (mVdiW)

213

Would that be a 2 liter or one of those monster 4 liter soda bottles?

Or maybe a 40 ouncer malt liquor bottles from the hood? And with or without the twisted dirty, brown paper bag?

Posted by: Drillanwr at September 23, 2011 02:55 PM (z+Dxj)

214 I rofl'd.

Yeah. Johnny Jihad would be happy to have a bottle shoved up his ass because I have 2x4's with nails in them waiting in the garage for just that opportunity.

Posted by: tangonine at September 23, 2011 10:51 PM (x3YFz)

215

Ah, something that will finally fit in my stretched bung hole. If it works IÂ’ll try it on Barkey in the back of the Limo.

Posted by: Barney F at September 24, 2011 01:39 AM (XjzEc)

216 No Coke!! Poopsie!!

Posted by: samurai interogator at September 24, 2011 12:10 PM (cBndz)

217 "You're not here for the jihad, are you?"

Posted by: ep at September 26, 2011 01:32 AM (vUBoQ)

218 So I'm 5th generation don't give a F* then? سوق العقارات وظائف خالية عقارات وظائف

Posted by: yomna at September 28, 2011 01:10 PM (mi8z8)

Hide Comments | Add Comment | Refresh | Top

Comments are disabled. Post is locked.